1.) Martha Stewart Vs. Rachael Ray
Last night on Nightline, Cynthia McFadden tried to stir up shit between the two women.

2.) Martha Stewart Vs. Sarah Palin
But on the red carpet this week, Martha didn't need any encouragement to talk shit on Sarah.

3.) Piper Palin Child Beauty Queen
Earlier this week, I joked that Piper Palin was wearing so much makeup for Sarah's interview with Barbara Walters that she practically looked high glitz.

Later that day, Oprah's camera crew went to Wasilla to film the Palin family at home, where Piper was wearing a crown and a sash.

4.) Mother/daughter bonding

5.) The D.E.N.N.I.S. System
It's funny 'cause it's true.

6.) Crap letter from a dude
As featured on True Life: I Can't Leave My Boyfriend. The guy later came back to her apartment when she wasn't home, and stole all of her electronics and her dog.

7.) America's Next Top Amityville Horror
ANTM aired some never-before-seen moments, and I'd rather that this one had stayed unseen.

8.) Drunk idiots
The people on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge get so stupid drunk that they always end up fighting, and subsequently kicked off the show (whichseems to be their sole source of income). Brad started in with Darrell for no reason.

And then Darrell turned Brad into Quasimodo.

9.) Sewing with Nancy
Her awkwardness makes me uncomfortable.

10.) Stomache

Alexis has three children and two nannies. Her husband appears to make a lot of money (on this show, we've learned that in many cases, people's finances are about as authentic as their breasts) yet doesn't really have that descriptive of a job. The couple talks about God a great deal.


As for Jeana, it seems that her new financial situation has humbled her, and she is opting out of the show and the "mean girls."


Two words: Slade Slimy

• It's Complicated's Alec Baldwin has amazing body image. "I have a great ass, if I may say so. That's a part of my body that needs no surgical enhancement or rearranging." But when it comes to cosmetic surgery, Baldwin says:

"I'm not saying I wouldn't do something! I intend to do something, I probably will. Let's put it this way: I wouldn't rule it out because... You don't think I wake up every day and wish I looked like this and this and this? But I can't let that bother me." Costar Meryl Streep is not convinced: "If you've ever even contemplated that stuff and looked at what can go wrong in any of those magazines, it's terrifying!" [Us via Entertainment Weekly ]

• Oooh! Julianne Moore on 30 Rock! Maybe as Alec Baldwin's love interest! [E!]
• Britney Spears' Australian tour has yet to begin, but it's already controversial: People have heard she'll be lip-syncing, and they are not happy. [AFP, Sydney Morning Herald]
• The Michael Lohan mess continues! Now Lindsay has Twittered, "Haha he's needs the book for dummies on HOW TO BE A MAN." In response, Michael says: "Lindsay is grasping at straws and when she gets angry she lashes out." And! "I want her to go into rehab." Yeah. We know. [RadarOnline]
• Lindsay also Tweeted that her father is a "loser" and, in reference to her mom, says: "She blames herself for staying w/him for so long, I'd beg her not to leave b/c he always threatened to kill her if she did." Michael Lohan responds: "That's a lie. I guess Lindsay is on more drugs than I thought to say something like that. Now I'm going to release more recordings that prove everything she is saying is nothing more than a bunch of lies. No wonder why God is taking her entire career away from her. Because she's forsaken everything He's given her and she's done nothing but misuse all the gifts she's given." [Page Six, ABC News]
• Want video of Michael Lohan saying Lindsay lies and so on? You got it. [Radar Online]
• Speaking of Michael Lohan, he and Hailey Glassman are among the witnesses TLC plans to subpoena in a breach of contract lawsuit filed against Jon Gosselin. That should be fun. [People, Radar Online]
• OMG OMG! The White House will host an episode of Iron Chef America, and contestants will use food from Michelle Obama's garden! [NY Daily News]
• Levi Johnston is pissed that William Shatner read his Tweets on The Tonight Show. His rep released a statement which reads: "My client, Levi Johnston, is being impersonated on your media (Twitter) and this is leading to libel and slanderous statements being attributed to him. ... We want you to put an immediate end to this illegal activity. ... You are being used as a medium to promote this illegality and we want immediate action." Etc., etc., etc. [ET, TMZ]
• Levi Johnston went shopping for hockey gear. For his ten-month-old son, Tripp. [ET]
• Levi Johnston is getting an award from our sister site, Fleshbot. [E!]
• Kate Hudson and A-Rod celebrated the Yankees' win by partying late. [NY Daily News]
• Will Oprah move her show from Chicago to L.A.? In a word: No. Not in the immediate future, anyway. But since her network, OWN, supposedly launches next year, she may move the show. But a source calls the OWN company "rudderless." [MSNBC Scoop]
• "Oprah Winfrey is removing gospel singer BeBe Winans from her show's 'karaoke challenge' until charges against him for allegedly pushing his ex-wife to the ground are resolved." [AP]
• Colin Farrell's sex tape has come back to haunt him, his girlfriend, and his girlfriend's family. [Irish Central]
• Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush are house-hunting together, if you care. [People]
• As you may have read in Midweek Madness, the stripper who claims she hooked up with Josh Duhamel claims that they fell asleep together after doing the deed, but "he kept waking her up for more sex." [Us]
• Awww: Slumdog Millionaire director Danny Boyle says Freida Pinto and Dev Patel are "soul mates." [Mirror]
• Um, David Gest plans to hold a seance tonight to attempt to contact Michael Jackson. You know who Gest needs to contact? A good hairdresser, because there is something WRONG. [The Sun]
• Kevin Spacey made a joke about Simon Van Kempen, Alex McCord and Ramona Singer of the Real Housewives of NYC, but they didn't think it was funny. [Gatecrasher]
• A suicide prevention group is not happy about the scene in The Office when Michael tries to scare kids by hanging from a noose. [AP]
• Jesse James is ordering his ex-wife to leave new wife Sandra Bullock out of their custody battle. Sandra has been helping Jesse raise his 5-year-old daughter ever since January, when Jesse's ex-wife — porn star Janine Lindemulder — wen to jail for tax evasion. [People]
• Mean! Sharon Osbourne thinks that Susan Boyle "looks like a hairy [bleep]hole." [Page Six]
• Spotted: Paula Abdul bawling at a screening of Precious. [Page Six]
• Stephen Colbert saw Bob Woodruff trying to tape an interview with Bruce Springsteen near a bathroom, so, naturally, Colbert flushed the toilet every time Bruce started to talk. [Page Six]
• Kevin Federline certainly likes to procreate. The National Enquirer is reporting hat his girlfriend is pregnant. That's K-Fed's fifth kid. [Perez]
• "Morgan Freeman has settled a lawsuit related to a 2008 car accident that seriously injured him and a passenger, according to court records posted Thursday." [USA Today]
• Pamela Anderson has been living in a trailer while her home was being worked on. "I moved there because I was waiting for this damn house to be built in this posh part of Malibu — then I realized I was so much happier." But now she's ready to move back into her house, although, she says: "The kids don't want to leave." [Daily Express]
• MTV host Alexa Chung celebrated her birthday with Agyness Deyn, cake, and ice cream. [Page Six]
• James Gandolfini doesn't like it when you film him without his consent. In this video, he tells a guy with a camera, "I'm gonna break your fucking face." Jeez. Do not make Tony Soprano mad! [Gothamist]
• Whatshername's kid is okay and out of the hospital. [The Sun]
• "Being out and just open: It's very liberating. Now I don't have to dance around anything. I don't have to think 'Well, if I say that, they're going to figure this out and that's going to lead to this.' Now, everything is out on the table. I don't have anything to hide; I can be even bolder." — Wanda Sykes. [USA Today]
• "There's that saying, what other people think of me is none of my business? But I don't really care. And I've dined with my heroes, man. If we're talking about comedians and people that have taken shots at me, I don't get it. I don't get that, 'cause I know that the Chris Rocks and the Steve Martins and the Billy Cosbys and the Rodney Dangerfields, guys that I loved, embraced me. Other comics, what people deem 'alt comics,' a lot of them have egg on their face 'cause they're now making talking-animal movies. 'Cause they sold out hard-core. And they have to answer to their fans now - 'Hey, I took a shot at Dane,' but you're in Alvin and the Chipmunks. And you know what? More power to you. You did a movie that goes against what you preached, and what you hard-core vehemently nailed me on. I know you got a kid to feed. You might have a sick mom that you have to take care of. And that's okay. I'm not gonna take your legs out from under you. But I am aware that you put your head in your pillow, and maybe you should have bit your tongue a little bit." — Dane Cook. [NY Mag]
• "I've done a few things, playing around with the OCD thing — when I leave my house I do a few things just to see what that's like. It's fun — you just have to maintain a real level of stillness. There's an air of confidence that comes through that stillness which dictates on the character so it's been a fun ride." — Dominic Monaghan pretends he has OCD because he plays a character with OCD on FlashForward. [Mirror]
• "Pepsi has created a soda that has Viagra in it. It's not going to be called a soft drink anymore." — Bruce Springsteen. [Gatecrasher]
• "I wouldn't have made it on that show. The pressure is unbelievable. Success wasn't measured back then as it is today — it took us three albums to make it big and I don't think they would have let happen now." — Jon Bon Jovi on X Factor. [Telegraph]
• "We are not supposed to still be here." — Jon Bon Jovi on being in the biz for 25 years. [BBC News]
• "I'm gonna get in trouble for this, but I don't watch any of the shows! The only show that I've seen anything on was a couple episodes of Atlanta and that's because I'm really good friends with [Atlanta's] NeNe and she was telling me about something and I was like, 'Oh, that sounds juicy. I gotta watch it!' I just developed a makeup line called Gretchen Christine Beaute and I'm working on the Gretchen Project and I just don't have time to watch TV — it's hard enough to get me to sit down and watch the show I'm on! I already have enough drama, obviously, in my life, so I don't need to watch the drama of the other ones." — O.C. Real Housewife Gretchen. [PopWrap]
• "I just finished writing a script and I am trying to get funding and casting for it, believe it or not. It's called We and it's a love story… It is two parallel love stories told from a woman's point of view, obviously. One is a historical story that took place with the Duke and Duchess of Windsor. And the other is one I made up about a couple in New York." — Won't you please fund Madonna's film career? [Daily Express]
• "No more farm animals — and no more children!" — George Clooney. [CNN]

• Billy Ray Cyrus knows you're worried about Miley Cyrus dancing on an ice cream cart while holding a pole, and he has this to say:

"You know what? I just think that Miley loves entertaining people… I always tell her to love what you're doing and stay focused for the love of the art and not worry so much about opinion," In other words: Keep on poledancin', honey! [Access Hollywood]

• Miley Cyrus has a new man, her Last Song costar Liam Hemsworth, 18. A quick Google search finds him fairly cute. Or, you know, hot. [Gatecrasher]
• Gerard Butler threw Jennifer Aniston into the trunk of a car yesterday… on the set of The Bounty. [NY Post]
• Madonna — recently seen kissing Jesus Luz in Portofino, Italy while on a break from touring — is happy to have Luz around. And her kids "see Jesus as 'Mommy's friend.'" [MSNBC Scoop]
• Ugh: Stomach-churning details from the Jasmine Fiore murder. Cops claim that the murdered model's teeth and fingers were removed, probably to keep authorities from ID'ing the body. Suspect Ryan Jenkins (Jasmine's ex-husband), who taped Megan Wants A Millionaire in March, is still at large. [AP]
• The producers of Megan Wants A Millionaire say: "[The production company] was not aware of Ryan Jenkins' record when it cast him… Obviously, if the company had been given a full picture of his background, he would never have been allowed on the show. The company did have in place what it thought was a thorough vetting process that involved complete background checks by an outside company for all contestants on its shows. Clearly, the process did not work properly in this case." Jenkins was convicted of assaulting a girlfriend in 2005. [TMZ]
• Robert Hasman, a former boyfriend of Jasmine Fiore, was texting with Jasmine right before she died. She texted Hasman, saying she was going to Las Vegas to see him. TMZ claims: "It appears [Ryan] Jenkins may have seen the text because Hasman received a text shortly after saying 'suck it.'" Did the text set Jenkins off and send him into a murderous rage? [TMZ]
• Hmm. Jasmine Fiore never told her "mother figure" she married Ryan Jenkins. [CNN]
• A woman charged with snooping at Britney Spears' home in April has been sentenced to three years probation and 240 hours of community service. [Contact Music]
• Lindsay Lohan and Michael Lohan are NOT distant and are always happy to see each other. Says Michael Lohan. [Radar Online]
• Lindsay Lohan Tweeted that she'd be shopping at a store in downtown Manhattan yesterday afternoon, and then complained to friends, "Why are there all these people here?" when she arrived and found a pack of paparazzi outside the store. [Page Six]
• Let's just pretend this Heidi Montag workout website and fitness e-book is not happening, mmmkay? [Perez]
• Maybe we can also pretend that Spencer Pratt isn't talking about his new book How To Be Famous and saying stuff like "If I weren't me, I'd hate me. When you're the villain, you don't have to worry about how your enemy feels." [Gatecrasher]
• "Battle of the busty blonde singers: Heidi Montag and Kim Zolciak face off on the airwaves." [NY Daily News]
• BREAKING: Tyra Banks and rumored boyfriend John Utendahl had dinner. [Page Six]
• Katy Perry weighs in on the Lady Gaga-has-a-penis rumor: "Oh please, it's all very calculated. She knows what she's doing." As calculated as a former Christian singer warbling about a same-sex kiss? [LA Times]
• Hayden Panettiere, 20, is now dating Pink Taco owner Harry Morton, son of Hard Rock mogul Peter Morton. This column notes: "Harry, 28, is only slightly more age-appropriate for Panetierre than her 32-year-old ex, Milo Ventimiglia." [Page Six]
• Claire Danes looks smoking hot wearing platforms and fishnets in this photo shoot. [BlackBook]
• Some idiot threw a dildo at American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert during a show, and "Glambert" kicked it right back into the crowd. [Perez]
• Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon was on the Wendy Williams show when she let it slip that Jamie Foxx had a new baby. Apparently this had been a secret, but the baby girl's mother is a real-estate agent, described as "tall, muscular, pretty, brunette and white." [Mirror]
• Usher's ex-wife Tameka Foster wrote a blog entry for the Huffington Post called "She's Pretty For A Dark-Skinned Girl." Author Aisha Curry wrote the book Pretty For A Black Girl in 2007 and says: "I cannot and will not say she stole my idea, because you never should assume. However, I will say that It seemed like one heck of a coincidence and everything I touched on she did." [ONTD]
• Here's an interview with Michael Jackson's personal artist, David Nordahl, who created mythical and fantastical paintings for the King Of Pop. He created a work called Field of Dreams, in which MJ leads children of all nationalities (plus sister Janet, AIDS activist Ryan White and actor Macaulay Culkin) on a sunlit path. Click through for a different painting of MJ surrounded by cherubs. [USA Today]
• "A chubby clinic worker has claimed he had a LOVE AFFAIR with Michael Jackson." [The Sun]
• Tickets for the Michael Jackson movie go on sale September 27. [CNN]
• If you take pictures of Kenny Chesney during his concert, he will jump down and steal your memory card. [UPI]
• The divorce between Kelis and Nas is getting down to the dirty details: Who should get how much money. Apparently Nas makes about $244,000 a month; Kelis makes a mere $13,000 a month. She's asking for child support, spousal support, retro child support and retro spousal support. Maybe she should sing a song that's like, "Hey, hubby, baby I want your money…" Oh. Wait. [TMZ]
• Real Housewife Of Orange County Lynne Curtin was supposed to be evicted from her home but the papers were served to her daughter, who's a minor. [TMZ]
• Ladies love Salman Rushdie. [Page Six]
• Nelly and Ashanti: Splitsville. [Gatecrasher]
• Barbra Streisand's ex-boyfriend is auctioning off tapes he made of her earliest performances, in case you have $1 million lying around. [Page Six]
• Kids In The Hall reunion! [Variety]
• Billy Bob Thornton will star in a boxing flick called Pound for Pound, based on a novel by F.X. Toole, the author of the book that became Million Dollar Baby. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• "I don't think I have ever changed a diaper." — newly pregnant Kourtney Kardashian. [E!]
• "I wish my dad was here, but I know that he is here with us [in spirit], and I feel like this is definitely a blessing from him. It's bittersweet, and that's how I feel about getting married, too. I almost don't want to get married because I don't want him to not be there." — Kourtney Kardashian, on being pregnant without being able to talk to her late father, famed attorney Robert Kardashian. [People]
• "People come up to me in airports, and they're asking for my autograph not because I'm the drummer for the Chili Peppers. They really think I'm Will Ferrell. [I say] 'No, I'm not.' But they're still like, 'I loved you in 'Old School.' You're so funny.'" — Chad Smith. And really, the side by side pictures show an uncanny resemblance. [Gatecrasher]
• "He's such a cutie patootie. Sometimes I forget just how good-looking he is. While relationships are work, this just didn't feel like it. It's the kind of work that feels energizing rather than enervating. There's that pledge, and people talk about it being claustrophobic but I find it the opposite. I find it very freeing to know that, okay, it takes constant nurturing and attention, but I can also stop looking for the one-that's established. I can apply myself in other ways now. I have more time and energy to get shit done." — Claire Danes on recognizing fiancée Hugh Dancy is "the one." [BlackBook]
• "The fun thing about surgery is that they always have new things and you can always try things. I'm not sure what's on that list right now, but I'm sure as I get older, I'll want to keep up with maintenance as most Hollywood does." — Heidi Montag. [Perez]

The purpose of all of this? Charity, supposedly. Viewers can vote for the Housewife they thought did the best job putting together an outfit with the budget they were given, and the winner will be announced on May 12, during the premiere of Real Housewives of New Jersey. The winning Wife will have $10,000 donated to the charity of her choice.

I voted for Kim — the woman who wears a wig because she thought she might've had cancer two years ago — and the security text to secure my vote was totally ironic:

All of The Real Housewives of Orange County were there, four of the original Atlanta cast were there, and only three — Bethenny, Ramona, and Kelly — from New York were there.

The most interesting (to me at least) was that Gretchen from Orange County was there with Slade Smiley, the guy from the first two seasons of Real Housewives, who dated Jo, and then was later arrested on back child support payments. We posted a little while back that we heard that the two began dating before the body of Gretchen's late fiancé got cold. Does this confirm it?

Earlier: Real Housewives Star Arrested For Being A Deadbeat Dad?

• And then there were seven?!?! Angelina Jolie reportedly told one of the Slumdog kids that she is planning to adopt an Indian orphan. The papers will surely turn this into a race with Madonna. [Telegraph]

• So you know how Lindsay Lohan has a $115,000 Maserati but no job? Turns out a "porn king" loaned her the car, no strings attached. Uh-huh. Right. [TMZ]
• This UK paper is calling Madonna a "manipulator" who will "stop at nothing" to adopt a second child. They're saying she dressed conservatively for her court appointment, when she actually is way more wild, divorced and a Kabbalah enthusiast. Apparently Malawaians "take their Christianity seriously." Well, she did date Jesus! [Daily Mail]
• Hmm. Madonna wore a $2800 Chanel tracksuit while in Malawi. [Telegraph]
• The mark on Katie Holmes' back is indeed troubling. Scientology? Melanoma? [Perez]
• Countess Luann de Lesseps of Real Housewives has split with Count de Lesseps. He is "with an Ethiopian woman" now. Does this mean Luann is still a countess? Are any of the Housewives actual wives? So many questions. [Page Six]
• Meanwhile, Vicki Gunvalson of the California Real Housewives has been receiving death threats from an obsessed female fan who "takes the show way too seriously." [Yahoo via E!]
• The latest on Britney Spears is that while her dad was away, she hooked up with a backup dancer. His name is Glo, and she bought him some clothes and shoes. But now that her dad is back? "It's basically over," says a source. As you'll recall, the last time Brit picked up a backup dancer she got married and had two kids. [Gatecrasher]
• Halle Berry is "mentally ready" for more kids, FYI. [Mirror]
• "I'm not engaged. If she is engaged we have a problem." — Justin Timberlake on Jessica Biel. [The Star]
• Miley Cyrus says there won't be any more Hannah Montana movies. Also, she says if you're a young kid trying to decide between college or potential stardom: "Be a freak. Go to Hollywood." [Yahoo News via AP]
• The rumors that Rihanna is not cooperating with the D.A.'s office? Untrue. A rep for the D.A. says: "We have been in contact with her attorney, and he has always said she is a cooperating victim." [E!]
• Queen Latifah is being sued by a makeup artist and a fashion stylist, who claim she failed to pay them. At stake? $1 million. [Yahoo News via AP]
• ScarJo and RyRen went on a motorcycle ride. [Socialite Life]
• Drew Barrymore is back with Justin Long — in the movies, at least. He'll play her boyfriend in a romcom called Going The Distance, about what else? A long-distance relationship. [E!]
• Zac Efron dropped out of the Footloose remake, and now Gossip Girl's Chace Crawford is auditioning. Similarly pretty, but charismatic? Uh… [E!]
• Michelle Rodriguez will kick your ass if you try and snap her picture when she is not feeling well and sitting in a wheelchair at the Mexico City airport. [E!]
• Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are still friends, in case you were wondering. [People]
• When Jennifer Lopez arrived at LAX from Japan yesterday, Jenny from the block had 11 bags. [Daily Mail]
• Andie MacDowell, Mike Myers and Ed Westwick (!) took part in a kilt fashion show. Men in skirts! [The Star, Daily Mail]
• André 3000 was busted for going 109 mph in a 65 mph zone. He drives a Porshce? You'd think it would be a model T or something to match his plus-fours. [E!]
• Congrats to Alyson Hannigan, who had a baby girl — on her birthday. [ET]
• If instead of sparkly vampires, you like actual boodsuckers with fangs, take note: True Blood returns June 14. Season 2 photos at the link. [E!]
• Epic! Law & Order: SVU will be shooting at the U.N. [CNN]
• Star Trek hasn't yet hit theaters but they're already talking sequel. And Lost cocreator Damon Lindelof could be on board. [E!]
• The Karate Kid remake will be called Kung Fu Kid, says Jackie Chan. [EW]
• Friends, here is a picture of Sir Paul McCartney with his fly open. [Daily Mail]
• Friday Night Lights: Renewed for two more seasons. [EW]
• Blind item! "Which pretty young songbird is freaking out male paramours with her overly hairy tummy?" [Gatecrasher]
• "It doesn't mean no more musicals forever, but right now I had so much fun doing (new comedy film) 17 Again that I think that's the direction I want to head in." — Zac Efron, on why he pulled out of the Footloose remake. [The Star]
• "Max and I are really good friends. We were just too young. That's all it was. I still love the idea that we did it. I love the idea I can tell my kids one day about it and I know he does too. It just got really crazy. It was something that exploded. And then it ended. And now we're just back to being friends, which is so much better." — Peaches Geldof, 20, who doesn't regret her six-month marriage. [The Sun]
• "After this album and tour I have a brand new business I am setting up, but i can't say what it is yet. I am definitely considering quitting music." — Lily Allen. [This Is London]
• "If you've got a character, particularly on TV, you can watch him doing nothing if you like him. If you haven't got a great character, you could be delivering the greatest lines in the world, but who cares? There are stand-ups that just aren't likable. They can have the best lines in the world, but you go, (yawn) 'Yeah. Brilliant. Don't like you though.' Whereas, someone shambles out and they're a putz and they get their hands dirty and they tell you what a bad day they've had, you want to hug them. They don't say anything funny, they are funny." — Ricky Gervais. [Yahoo via AP]
• "I think they prerecord the backgrounds in the studio and maybe the backgrounds are a little lip-synced. But I think the solos are definitely live. Because these kids aren't dancers and they're trying to do choreography, that's why it happens … if it happens at all." — American Idol judge Randy Jackson, on the lip-sync controversy. [Gatecrasher]
• "Kissing him wasn't bad at all. Justin's a sweetheart, and the whole shoot felt very organic. It all flowed so well." — Ciara, on smooching Timberlake in her new video for "Sex Love Magic." [Gatecrasher]
• "We were going to a Mexican restaurant and he and I were the first ones in. We sat opposite each other. He looked at me. It was a look that wasn't sexual; it was almost evil. It was like rape except it wasn't sexual. I just burst into tears. I never forgave him for it. It was cruel. I think maybe he fell into what he does sometimes with women. He had no right to do that. I was helpless. I got mad at him, and I never talked to him again." — Cloris Leachman on Marlon Brando. [LA Times]

• Grey's Anatomy star T.R. Knight was in a three-car crash yesterday. He was not injured, but two other people were taken to the hospital by ambulance. [LA Times]

• The President Of The United States, Barack Obama, was on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno last night. He brought lulz (More later). [NY Daily News]
• Barack Obama made a joke about the Special Olympics and for that he is sorry. [NY Daily News]
• Here's a picture of Chris Brown getting off of a private jet and riding a bike around on the tarmac like he's having the time of his life. Raise your hand if it makes you feel stabby. [TMZ]
• Jennifer Aniston is narrating a children's book. Cue the ZOMG SHE WANTS BABIEZ headlines. [Gatecrasher]
• Are Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel on a fast train to Splitsville? [Perez, Chicago Sun-Times]
• When Beyoncé stopped at Patricia Field the other day, she spent $11,000 in 20 minutes. How come didn't get us anything? [Page Six]
• It's a big weekend at the box office, with lots of stars: Nicolas Cage, Paul Rudd, Jason Segel, Clive Owen and Julia Roberts. Plus, Amy Adams's Sunshine Cleaning will move into additional theaters. What to see? [Reuters]
• "Five Reasons Julia Roberts Is Too Old (or Not)." Wait, what? [E!]
• This article asks "Is John Hamburg (the writer/director of I Love You Man) The New Judd Apatow?" [LA Times]
• Actual headline: "Miley Cyrus Shakes Her Ass For Paps." And it's not on Perez! [E!]
• For some reason there is a feud between Chris Jericho and Mickey Rourke. Jericho says when Rourke comes to Wrestlemania, he will "get out of the ring, walk over to Mickey, and slap him in the face." Lame. [Gatecrasher]
• Someone is pregnant on The Office. [E!]
• Speaking of The Office, did you dig Idris Elba? He has a Twitter. [EW]
• A Sheryl Crow/Stevie Nicks tour? Maybe! [Gatecrasher]
• There's a new Facebook group called UCLA Students Against James Franco as Commencement Speaker. It's jut mean! [E!]
• Dane Cook's half-brother and former business manager was indicted Thursday on eight counts of larceny; he'd been funneling millions from Cook's business accounts. No joke there. [E!]
• Real Housewives Of Orange County star Gretchen Rossi was spotted making out with Slade Smiley. [TMZ]
• Nick Lachey pitched a reality show to MTV and they liked it! Taking The Stage is about kids at a performing arts school (his alma mater in Cincinnati). Kinda like Fame, if you're old enough to remember hot lunch. [LA Times]
• Debra Messing is named in a lawsuit involving a traffic accident in which her car struck a police officer, even though Messing wasn't driving the car. [TMZ]
• The cast of the new Star Trek flick is heading to Australia; the movie will make its world premiere at the Sydney Opera House on April 7. No word if that guy with the Kirk chair will get to go. [Yahoo News via Reuters]
• Not only is Vanessa Williams awesome on Ugly Betty, she is working on a new album. "I had been wanting to do a Latin-flavored album since I played a ballroom dancer in the (salsa) movie Dance With Me," Williams says. [USA Today]
• Ooh, Elle Macpherson on TV! The CW show is called Beautiful Life, and she'll okay the owner of a modeling agency, naturally. [Reuters]
• Hmm, Mary J. Blige is joining the cast if the next Tyler Perry movie. Love her; not sure about him. [Reuters]
• Gossip Girl fans: Check out this new clip that's popped up: Chuck vs. Dorota! [People]
• Whitney Port and actor Robert Buckley were seen making out all over Miami. Hopefully someday soon we can stop thinking about these semi-famous [E!]
• There is a new romcom in the works called Merman. Yes, it is about a man who is half fish. He "comes to land so he can win back his mermaid fiance, who has left him for a real man." I'm not lying when I say it's produced by the dude who brought you Splash. [EW, Variety]
• Tara Reid has a job! She's been cast in an untitled horror film, in which she will play a mother whose family is terrorized by an unsees presence. [Variety]
• Former Soul Train host Don Cornelius has been sentenced to three years probation after pleading no contest to misdemeanor spousal battery. [Reuters]
• Blind item! "Which engaged young couple shocked an entire film crew when they were caught having sex on set?" [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item: "Which hip-hop fashion team is taking more credit than it deserves? While most designers acknowledge their assistants do much of the work, this up-and-coming pair accept kudos but never mention the staff in the back who actually make it happen." [Page Six]
• "I remember a performance of The Fantasticks where a mom brought a teenage son with Tourette's syndrome to the show. It was explained to me that because he liked me a lot, it became especially difficult for him to control his outbursts when I came on stage. Every time I said or sang anything, he would snort, howl or bellow some expletive about bodily functions or female anatomy, [and drop] F-bombs." — Kristin Chenoweth, in her memoir, A Little Bit Wicked. [Page Six]
• "I like all the Wii games. Love Guitar Hero. Growing up, I liked Tetris. I even like BrickBreaker on the BlackBerry. [My first console was] a Nintendo. I would play Super Mario Bros. We weren't supposed to play it after nine o'clock, and I would sneak and play all night. I loved it." — Beyoncé. [Mirror]
• "I had my tonsils taken out [at age 13], and they gave me liquid Vicodin. I found, when I take this, people like me. I'm having fun, I'm not getting picked on. It became a confidence thing." — Kelly Osbourne, who says she is finally completely clean after a month in rehab. [People]
• "I am shirtless and I have back hair in Observe And Report, and it's glorious. They did have me shave my back for Knocked Up. Judd Apatow said, 'People are not ready for a hairy back in a sex scene. We're just not there yet as a society.'" — Seth Rogen. [Page Six]

• Too bad you missed Britney's Tampa concert: At the end of one number, she announced, "My pussy's hanging out." Why, yes, there is video. [TMZ]

• Britney's dad fired three dancers from her tour for suspected drug use. Keepin' it clean! [Daily Mail]
• WTF. Madonna dressed as a naughty schoolgirl for Purim? She seems to be wearing Lourdes' clothes. [The Sun]
• Madonna and Jesus Luz's mom are both bleach blondes who wear skimpy tops? [Gatecrasher]
• Miley Cyrus has tachycardia: her heart rate exceeds the range of a normal resting heart rate. She writes in her autobiography: "The type of tachycardia I have isn't dangerous. It won't hurt me, but it does bother me. There is never a time onstage when I'm not thinking about my heart." [Gatecrasher]
• Little Jakey Gyllenhaal looks like a brawny hunk in this picture from The Prince Of Persia. [The Life Files]
• So you know how Usher slammed Chris Brown, and then apologized for his comments? An insider says he was "forced" to do so. [Gatecrasher]
• This piece is about why couples reunite. It begins, "No one - not Oprah, not anyone - can figure out why Rihanna decided to get back together with an allegedly abusive Chris Brown." [NY Post]
• Usually we're talking about which team David Beckham is going to play for; this story is about which team he would like to own. "I have the right to own an MLS franchise, which I will action immediately after I have stopped playing," Beckham says. You also need about $40 million and a stadium. [BBC News]
• If you watched Dancing With The Stars last night you know that replacing Jewel and Nancy O'Dell, who were sidelined by injuries, are Holly Madison and Melissa Rycroft — the latter really stretching the definition of the word "star." She was dumped on The Bachelor. [AP]
• This story begins, "Should Dancing With the Stars be renamed Dancing With People You Might Have Heard Of? [MSNBC Scoop]
• Nadya Suleman, mother of 14, has a new house. Her father bought her a four-bedroom, three-bath place in Orange County, CA; the money probably came from the donations and from TV shows who pay her for interviews. Elizabeth Snead of the LA Times writes: "Tell us how you feel about this freaky freeloader — on food stamps, disability and lord knows what else — getting a new home when so many honest, hard-working people in the country are losing theirs." [LA Times]
• Whoa, Real Housewife of New York Kelly Killoren Bensimon was arrested for assault! Her boyfriend, Nicholas Stefanov, told cops she punched him… [NY Daily News]
• Gretchen Rossi of Real Housewives of Orange County denies cheating on her late fiancé. But what's this about calling some dude her boyfriend in a 911 call? [People]
• Uh-oh: TMZ is getting more involved in celebrities' lives: They saved Andy Dick from getting arrested. [TMZ]
• Lawyers for the late Anna Nicole Smith are asking the Supreme Court for help — the money dispute involving her dead husband and his dead son is crazy complicated. Everyone has passed away but the legal issues live on! [AP]
• Gossip Girl's Leighton Meester may star in a thriller called The Roommate. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• Rebecca Romijn will star in Eastwick, the new ABC pilot based on John Updike's The Witches Of Eastwick. She'll be the blonde one? [Variety]
• Marcia Cross probably won't be on the new Melrose Place, even though that would be awesome. She says: "I'm really busy. I say never say never, but it's not the first thing on my mind." [Mirror]
• Anil Kapoor of Slumdog Millionaire will be on Fox TV show 24! [Hindustan Times]
• U2 used to be all over Apple products, but their new album has a partnership with Blackberry. What does it mean??? [AdAge]
• If you want to see Mel B modeling underwear — as she "prepares" for her Vegas burlesque show — click the link at the end of this sentence. The white corset is nice. [Daily Mail]
• Roger Friedman says Jane Fonda is "fantastic" in the Broadway play 33 Variations. OMG Dolly Parton was in the audience??? [Fox 411]
• Michael J. Fox is doing a special for ABC about optimism. [AP]
• Here's an interview with the chiseled Irishman Cillian Murphy. [MetroMix]
• The dude accused of stalking Saturday Night Live producer Lorne Michaels is a free man as his case was adjourned for six months. [USA Today, NY Daily News]
• Mischa Barton's been blogging about breaking up with the guy from the Kooks, yawn. [Perez]
• Anne Heche is officially single again, if you care. [E!]
• This picture of Reno 911's Niecy Nash celebrating her 39th birthday is awesomesauce. [Concrete Loop]
• Headline of the day: "Police Seize More Than $1 Million In Drugs From Phish Fans." [USA Today]
• Holy-crap blind item! "Which top model's plastic surgeon is in big trouble? He accidentally spilled acid on her chest while they were having sex in his office." [Gatecrasher]
• "Back up! Don't you ever touch me! You all make my life miserable." — Hayden Panettiere, to photographers and reporters on the red carpet at a hospital fundraising event. [MSNBC]
• "I have to brush my teeth before I go on stage, otherwise I don't feel smart enough." — Chris Martin. [The Sun]
• "I'm a very spiritual person and he's come to me many of times in my dreams… at the end of the day, he knows who's who and what's what. Believe that. And let me tell you something, the way he's feeling is going to come out. Like, trust me. Everything is going to come out later. You're going to see who he really loved and the ones that's standing up for him the right way is the ones representing him the right way. I'm going to tell you what my spiritual connection from Biggie is telling me, 'Don't look back, just do you' and that's why my success is right here for me… Biggie said 'Don't look back. Forget Cease, forget all of them because they going to be sorry. Cause what they did was wrong.'" — Lil Kim, who says the late Notorious B.I.G speaks to her from beyond the grave. [Perez]
• "I'm here and I'm doing it now and I'm working as hard as anybody. Life took me in a different direction, but I'm not here as a lark and I'm not whizzing in and stopping by for two weeks. I've done all kind of things in my career, but this feels like a big deal. Broadway has a mythic greatness — and an actual greatness. No one wanted me to be gone for a year and be unavailable for movies and stuff. They're right. It's a chunk of time. But I have learned from other times, mostly in terms of travel, when I said 'Oh, I'll do it next time.' There were many trips that I had a chance to take, and I'd say 'there's too much going on right now; I'm not going to do it' — and then I've never done it. Guys and Dolls felt like one of those things. In order to survive I will need to have a steady job again, like a television show, and so I don't know when this time will come again. But I fell in love with the play and I fell in love with the part. I thought it was a risk worth taking." — Lauren Graham, of Gilmore Girls, on her new stint as Adelaide in Guys and Dolls on Broadway. [WSJ]

• Rihanna is currently on a beach in Mexico, and this picture on the cover of the NY Daily News is the first we've seen of her in a long while. [NY Daily News]

• Chris Brown's March 5 arraignment may be postponed because the LAPD is still investigating the case. A source told E! News, "The D.A. is being even more thorough than usual with this case. They don't want to mess it up." [E!]
• Kevin Federline is starting his own children's clothing line because he doesn't want to pay a lot for jeans. He says: "It's a really tough business, I'm trying to take it seriously and make a quality product for kids but not have parents pay like $500 or something ridiculous for a pair of jeans. You buy your kids a pair of True Religions, then they roll around in the dirt like kids do and a $200 pair of jeans is gone. With this economy, I'm looking to do something much more reasonable." Uh… All you have to do is shop at The Children's Place or Old Navy or Target or somewhere they don't sell True Religion for children. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Meanwhile, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are suing baby buggy company Silver Cross, claiming the manufacturer unlawfully used a picture of the celebrity parents pushing twins Emme and Max in their strollers. Don't you know if you want J. Lo and Marc to endorse your product, you have to pay? [E!]
• It's hard to focus on this story about how Lily Allen likes naked lapdances and partying with Lindsay Lohan because the picture of Lily and Lindsay wearing black masks and showing off their "shh" tattoos is oddly mesmerizing. Question: Did we ever figure out what LL meant when she said the "shh" tattoo was a "woman empowerment thing"? [The Sun]
• Katie Holmes may be working on a flick in New York, but she plays "fourth fiddle" behind Kevin Kline, Paul Dano and John C. Reilly. Fox's Roger Friedman calls her movie career "over." [Fox 411]
• Slumdog's Dev Patel is in talks to appear on the real Who Wants To Be A Millionaire to raise cash for kids living on the streets. [The Sun]
• What's next for the stars of Slumdog? Lots more movies. [NY Daily News]
• Madonna is helping Rosie O'Donnell get through menopause. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Dita Von Teese signed a record deal. She will be singing now. Of course, she won't be warbling "All The Single Ladies" or anything: She plans to cover Irving Berlin's "Lazy." [E!]
• Keira Knightley was to play Cordelia in a £25 million film version of King Lear, but it's been scrapped. [Telegraph]
• Peaches Geldof was not allowed to drink at the NME awards; she placed an alcohol ban on herself. [Daily Mail]
• Jay Leno was questioned by a Writers Guild panel yesterday; they are trying to determine if he violated strike rules by delivering a monologue last year (during the strike). [Variety]
• LOL: Ever since Kellogg's dumped Michael Phelps, there have been oodles of negative stories about the brand. [Silicon Alley Insider]
• DMX is in jail, where he is not behaving himself: He stole a tray of food from the dining hall and threw it at a corrections officer. How would they handle this on Oz? [Perez]
• Chris Isaak has his own talk show, The Chris Isaak Hour, on the Bio channel. It starts tonight! Guests play songs and chat and hang out with Chris's dog. [USA Today]
• If you get divorced, the guys you date afterward, who put a "spark" back in your heartbroken life — Jennifer Aniston calls them "defibrillator men." [Daily Mail]
• "Big Poppa" has moved in with Real Housewives' Kim Zolciak. Yeah, he's married. [NY Daily News]
• In case you've been wondering what the hell she's been up to, Kate Bosworth is producing the film based on a book called Lost Girls and Love Hotels. [Gatecrasher]
• What the world needs now: A Jerry Seinfeld marriage-oriented reality show. Celebs, comedians and athletes will "judge couples in the midst of marital disputes while recommending various strategies to resolve their problems." I thee dread! [Hollywood Reporter]
• Brenda Blethyn opened a new library in her hometown and paid a fine for a book she borrowed 50 years ago. Bet Hortense loves this one. [The Sun]
• Clint Eastwood is the second person ever to received a lifetime achievement honor from the organizers of the Cannes Film Festival; he hot the Palme D'Or yesterday. Ingmar Bergman got one in 1997. [Reuters]
• The James Brown museum may be on hold, but there is a James Brown exhibit at South Carolina State University. See glittering suits and glossy shoes and the comb he used to neatly sculpt his hair. [AP]
• Star Jones's ex, Al Reynolds, is maybe getting engaged again, if you care. [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which sleazy reality star is going to have a cow when he finds out there's a sex tape of him floating around? In it, he's having a threesome with his very best friend." [Gatecrasher]
• "I'm probably a little bit shocked but I remember the overwhelming thing was feeling like I was just floating on a cloud. I went into that event knowing that was my last rally but no one else knew that. So when I crashed and I realised we were both OK, it was a massive relief." — Eric Bana, on crashing his race car during a Tasmanian rally. [Sydney Morning Herald]
• "I sincerely hope that this tragedy will make people realize that great apes should never be kept as pets or exploited for films, television, or advertising. Their lives are miserable from the day that they are taken from their mothers... until they are cast off to roadside zoos or meet a violent end, as Travis did in this tragic case." — Anjelica Huston, on the chimpanzee attack. [Daily Express]
• "I think that at 12:30, either you're awake or you're not. I don't think the 10 p.m. will affect me at all. If we can do decent ratings, hold on to Conan's numbers, I'll be happy. It's a marathon, not a race. It's a long, long thing if it's going to work." — Jimmy Fallon. [USA Today]
• "The stars made by television who were once so big you just couldn't believe it-Johnny Carson, Carol Burnett, people like that, Sid Caesar-they were enormous stars made by television, but there were lots of real stars in America. Now everything is so vitiated because there is so much media, if we want to dignify a lot of it, it begins to just all run together. At least when you said "Clark Gable" or "Elizabeth Taylor" or "Katharine Hepburn," you knew exactly who you were talking about, you didn't have to explain them. Now you have to talk about people like Paris Hilton and Britney Spears and the people on the American Idol. I mean, it's very diminished in quality, I guess is what I'd say, the quality of stardom. Because I don't know who most of those people are. I'm not kidding! I read Page Six mystified every day, and everybody I talk to agrees with me. They don't know who anybody is." — Liz Smith. [The Daily Beast]
• "A real gossip story is Lana Turner's daughter killing Johnny Stompanato. It had all kinds of tragic ramifications-celebrity, sex, a little girl involved and so forth. I mean, who cares if somebody you've never heard of is sniffing cocaine in a bathroom down in Soho? That's the level of gossip today. There seems to me to be no real stories and the real ones all appear in the headlines-A-Rod taking steroids, though why anybody gives a shit I don't understand. You know, the real story of this year is Bernie Madoff, and betrayal, disaster and everything else, lives being smashed and ruined by somebody's criminal activity. But gossip? Even the ‘90s are beginning to look good." — Liz Smith. [The Daily Beast]
• "I thought that was something that you could use for humor, like any other comedian or someone else would utilize current events. After I saw the photographs of Rihanna, that wasn't funny anymore. There's a point you're already past a woman fighting you back. You look at (the photograph), and it obviously went past that point, so there's some issues there that definitely gotta be addressed. Not to take any shots at Chris or Rihanna or to take sides in any way, but it's really not cool. It's not funny at all anymore. That's why there won't be no more references to that from me in any way." — 50 Cent, who initially mocked the Rihanna/Chris Brown incident with a "Street Fighter"- like characters in an animated video. [MSNBC]
• "I was average. I had a lot of friends but I was not in that ultra cool circle. I was a bit of a class clown. I guess to get through the tedium of the quadratic formula, I thought everyone was fair game. Between self-discovery and the social hierarchy, high school can be the most confusing time of your life." — Zac Efron. [Mirror]
• "I'm so negative against her. She just shouldn't have any of those children as far as I'm concerned. I know that's going to get me in a whole mess of trouble, but I don't know where her mind is. She says the strangest things. I don't think she's doing drugs, but she acts like someone who is not of this world. It's like, 'hello, come down to Planet Earth with the rest of us!'" —Cher, on Nadya Suleman. [USA Today via ET]
• "My mom is like this hard-core, liberal feminist. She's a professor in Boston, and she's been teaching women's studies for 30 years and international politics. So I've traveled, and I've heard so many women's stories, and I've heard stories of really, really hard lives. And I just feel like there are so many stories to be told, and it's hard to find someone who can sort of intertwine them with the right kind of action and suspense and use genius metaphors ... while striking a chord with the universal theme of the search for one's true identity. I asked Joss [Whedon] to create it with me and for me, and it was really special to me." — Eliza Dushku, star of Dollhouse. [USA Today]

Earlier this week, we pointed out a National Enquirer story about a man who says he was dating Gretchen throughout her relationship with Jeff, who passed away in September, and that this man - Jay Photoglou - moved in to her home shortly thereafter. He allegedly broke up with her because she went on a date with former cast member Slade Smiley, who was arrested at Gretchen's house last week. It kinda all makes sense now why the girls weren't very nice to her during filming.

Interestingly, when host Andy Coen asked Gretchen if she was more like All About Eve or Florence Nightingale, she didn't know either reference to properly answer the question.

Earlier: Real Housewives Star Arrested For Being A Deadbeat Dad?
Related: HOUSEWIVES STAR CHEATED ON DYING FIANCE [National Enquirer]

• Ne-Yo, who worked with both Rihanna and Chris Brown, says the former "says she's fine." He says the picture of Rihanna "really hurt me to my heart, man." But he's not taking sides.

• Ne-Yo went on to say: "I'm not going to crucify [Chris]. I'm not going to do that. That's still my homeboy at the end of the day. For it to go to that level was wrong. I won't say who was responsible. I won't pick no sides. I'm just saying it was wrong it had to happen like that, and I'm praying for the both of them." [Rolling Stone]
• Lil Wayne is facing criminal gun possession charges. Prosecutors say a gun was found in his tour bus in July 2007. His trial will begin on April 20, and if convicted he could be sentenced to 15 years in jail. [Yahoo]
• Arkansas police found 500 lbs. of marijuana on rapper Fabolous' tour bus. Fabolous was not on the bus at the time but two of his employees were arrested. [Perez Hilton]
• A judge has ruled that the details of a settlement in the dispute over Heath Ledger's life insurance policy will not be made public. Ledger's daughter, Matilda, is the beneficiary and the judge said she has a right to privacy because, "She is not a celebrity. She is a minor child." [The Daily Express]
• George Clooney got to meet with President Obama yesterday, and now every celebrity wants a piece. Sir Elton John wants to go to the White House to discuss a national AIDS strategy and gay marriage. He said: "You read in papers that there are schools that won't even put on Rent! You think, 'Oh, my God! What kind of country is this?' Hopefully, with this administration we will be making headway." Also, Fran Drescher wants to meet with Michelle about women's health issues and may be running for the Senate. [E!]
• Andy Richter will rejoin Conan O'Brien as the announcer for The Tonight Show when Conan takes over in June. Andy was Conan's sidekick for eight years on Late Night but left in 2000 to pursue his acting career. Guess that went well. [NY Times]
• The New York Post has dropped Liz Smith's gossip column citing economic troubles. It's the first time in 33 years that Smith won't have a column in a New York tabloid, but she already has plans to blog for wowOwow. [NY Times]
• Audrina Patridge's home was robbed on Sunday. Audrina is going to post incriminating surveillance footage on her blog to aid in the capture of the thieves. She knows she can take those tapes to the police too, right? [Perez Hilton]
• Wait: Audrina's footage of the robbers is posted. They're dressed like Hills fans - these burglars are so on trend! [Perez Hilton]
• Police were called to Nadya Suleman's neighborhood last night because a neighbor was outside brandishing a shotgun. Other neighbors say the man was actually just carrying the gun into his house from his car. Also, they're sick of all the media attention because their kids can't even play outside anymore. [TMZ]
• Nadya Suleman says she will allow paternity tests to prove Denis Beaudoin is not the father of her children. If you can handle more information on Nadya's uterus, her representative said Beaudoin's semen was placed directly in her womb and did not result in pregnancy, so there are no Suleman-Beaudoin embryos out there. [ABC News]
• There's been suspicion that Beyonce lip synched during her performance at the Oscars, and the Academy will not confirm or deny the rumors. Hugh Jackman and the rest of the cast could be heard laughing and breathing during the performance, but Beyonce's vocals may have been mimed. [MTV]
• Did you notice that Evan Rachel Wood looked a tad Dita-esque at the Oscars? That may be because she and Marilyn Manson are back on. [Perez Hilton]
• Michael Lohan has moved his unsolicited comments about his daughter's life to Twitter. He writes: "my daughter needs help. please, reach out to her it saddens ALl of us. godbless" [Perez Hilton]
• A man who found Bianca Jagger's £176,000 ring is suing her because she didn't give him a reward. By law he is entitled to 5% of the item's value. [The Daily Express]
• In this video, Taylor Momsen, a.k.a. Jenny from Gossip Girl talks about her new band, The Reckless. Little J sings, plays guitar, and writes all the music, which she describes as "dark and heavy" (like her 15-year-old soul?) [Teen Vogue]
• Paris Hilton and Robert Pattinson were seen flirting at an Oscar after-party. Wasn't Pattinson also seen flirting with Natalie Portman that night? [Radar]
• Pattinson shouldn't hold his breath. Paris is on a romantic trip to Tokyo with Doug Reinhardt, Amanda Bynes' ex. [E!]
• Also, it's rumored that Portman has been dating Brazilian actor Rodrigo Santoro for about a month, though some say Ryan Gosling has been texting her and asking her to hang out too. [Just Jared]
• After a two year engagement, Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green have split. [Us]
• Mischa Barton is blogging about her reported weight loss, writing, "I've just been watching what I eat." She added, "To my female fans: Just be happy and secure with yourself and don't let other people's perceptions of you dictate the way you live your life." [People]
• There will be a national tour of the musical version of Little House on the Prarie this fall. Melissa Gilbert, who played Laura on the '70s TV show, will play Ma Ingalls. AP]
• In this video, an interviewer keeps asking Clive Owen about the financial crisis, even though Clive points out that just because his new movie is about a bank doesn't mean he knows anything about finance. [The Guardian]
• Simon Cowell may lose up to $15 million. He invested in real estate in Barbados and now construction is delayed and the project is being reviewed due to the economy. [The Sun]
• A memoir by Isabel Gillies, who used to star on Law & Order: SVU will be the next book featured at Starbucks. There's nothing like sitting down with a hot cup of coffee and a TV star's book about her marriage falling apart. [AP]
• Here are photos from Kourtney Kardashian's new cover shoot for 944 magazine, if you care. [E!]
• Cure frontman Robert Smith is complaining about Radiohead not charging enough for their 2007 album In Rainbows. Smith says: "You can't allow other people to put a price on what you do, otherwise you don't consider what you do to have any value at all and that's nonsense. If I put a value on my music and no one's prepared to pay that, then more fool me, but the idea that the value is created by the consumer is an idiot plan, it can't work." [ONTD]
• The indie-rock band Pavement reunited this weekend - sort of. Four of the five members played together at a Nashville club to celebrate the wedding of former percussionist Bob Nastanovich. [Rolling Stone]
• Gretchen Rossi of The Real Housewives of Orange County says she regrets going on the show while her fiance Jeff was fighting cancer. It was announced during the season finale that Jeff had died. She says: "When Jeff and I agreed to do the show, he was doing really well. We actually thought that he was going to go into remission... Unfortunately, cancer has a mind of its own and a month after we started shooting, he got extremely sick... The cancer just really started to take over his body more quickly than we could get to it with chemo and everything else we were trying." [People]
• Bono is going to keep playing until he's old to teach us all a lesson. He says: "One of the things we like about rock'n'roll is the religiosity. And genuinely people do want you to die on a cross age 33, with a Jack Daniels in your hand ... [U2's] job is in part to de-rail a mythology that isn't helpful to music or musicians." [The Mirror]

While most of the Housewives were showing off the new stuff they bought, Jeana took the opportunity to show off a pair of old purchases.

Divorce looks good on her.

Former Housewife Tammy was there.

So were her kids. They admired Jeana's breasts, too.

Kimberly, from the first season, also showed up. She moved to Chicago.

Jo also attended. She moved to LA. They must not have texture scissors there.

Jo brought her ex-boyfriend Slade.

Tamra said what I've always thought. But the thing is, she's the one who's married to a guy in a purple and pink striped shirt. That's like the pot calling the kettle latent.

Still, Slade tried to come off as hetero as possible, much to the dismay of this chick.

Slade was delinquent on his mortgage payments and had to sell his house. Usually when this happens, you'd say that someone lost their shirt. It appears as though he also lost his shoes.

Gretchen bought all the girls Coach change purses, but Lauri didn't really need one, since she already has a really nice wallet.

A week later, Gretchen's much older fiancé Jeff lost his battle with cancer.

He texted his mother a bunch of times while she was driving to the ballpark, telling her not to "fucking show up." Once she got there, he was furious that she walked onto the field with the other fans and took pictures with the team mascot. Afterward, they all went out to eat, and he continued being an insolent shitbag, telling her that he wanted to throw a baseball bat at her, and threatening to kill her. She just smiled.

Gretchen has all the makings of a classic gold digger. She's gorgeous, young, and engaged to a very much older wealthy man who has a terminal illness who is financially supporting her. But even though she isn't working, she does take care of him, gives him injections, and sits in the hospital with him. It might seem callous, but she should look out for herself and what lies ahead, so when Vicki was telling her to make sure she gets a percentage of his life insurance policy, it made sense, since Gretchen's fiancé wanted her to leave her job to take care of him.

Nothing says "life of privilege" like being miserable in a luxury box at a racetrack, and talking shit on people three feet away. Not surprisingly, Tamra (perhaps the only technical "housewife" on the show) made fun of the other women for being chubby. Surprisingly, though, she hated on fellow castmate Gretchen for being "attention seeking"... all while displaying two very large, fake breasts.

Vicki's vacation was almost ruined when she found out that Jeana brought her gay friend Frankie—who wears false lashes—along on the trip. Vicki is suing him for nonpayment of rent. She did shots with Tamara to make herself feel better. After having a lot to drink, Tamara seemed to be having a good time because she publicly grabbed her husband's penis, but then when her twenty-something son showed her the tattoo he got on the inside of his lip, she began to cry about how she's a failure as a mother. (Oddly, she has a tramp stamp.) Vicki cried with her, and the two women embraced, making their straw cowboy hats go crooked, as they professed BFF status.

Indeed, the New York Times dutifully covers the whims of the top 2% of American spenders, and today they're telling us that those vain women among them are getting less plastic surgery now that they have less disposable cash. The number of breast implants has gone down by 5% during the three months ending Sept. 26 over the same period last year.

What's more:

“In Orange County, where plastic surgery is a part of their culture, doctors told me business is down 30 to 40 percent,” said Thomas Seery, the president of realself.com, a site devoted to reviewing vanity-medicine procedures. “That tells me something is fundamentally changing there.”

Thank goodness! Maybe some day, O.G. Real Housewife Lauri will let her face move again.

Putting Vanity on Hold [NYT]

Earlier: Plastic Surgery Patients Care About Looking Great, Not Getting Laid

Lynne makes "upscale arm cuffs" that start at $275. She has brown hair, which means she deviates from the pack slightly, but as she says herself in the clip, she is the "typical Orange County housewife" because she is obsessed with how she looks and would like to be signed up for any age-reducing treatment.

Earlier: O.G. O.C. Real Housewife Lauri Leaves Show After Son Is Jailed

The girls involved in the attack are students at Newport Harbor High School (you know, the one Marissa Cooper got kicked out of?). Thankfully, you can no longer watch the video, as it's been removed from the Internet, and a police sergeant says he doesn't know the motive for the assault. Do you think it's because this developmentally disabled young woman didn't fit into the picture-perfect lifestyle they're pushing out there? What is it about Orange County? Is everyone a blonde, spoiled, shopaholic? Does money make people do despicable things? Is there something in the water?

Newport Beach Girls Arrested In Videotaped Beating Posted On MySpace [LA Times]
Related: Real Housewives Mingle At A "Botox Party"

Related: Trouble In Lakewood [The New Yorker]