According to Paris, her mother, Kathy Hilton, is the one who bestowed upon Paris this gem of wisdom. Paris claims that she doesn't give head, even though there is plenty of video evidence to the contrary.

1.) Danielle's Messes
As we learned from court documents dug up by The Smoking Gun, Danielle's past was pretty accurately portrayed in Cop Without a Badge — extortion, kidnapping, drug cartel, prostitution whoring, cocaine use — despite the fact that she said that the only two things that were true was that she was arrested and changed her name. She denied most of the accusations in an interview with People last week, particularly about the cocaine, saying, "I was a pothead. Period." It should be more like Ellipsis…

Staub was charged with one felony count and convicted of extortion; she "worked for an escort service," according to an FBI agent on the case; and she was sentenced to drug treatment and weekly urinalysis tests for six months. Two years later, her substance abuse counselor recommended that her "drug aftercare" program be extended, "considering the severity of Beverly's drug history and her former drug life style."

But Danielle did have a win today when a judge ordered an injunction banning the release of "any sexually explicit video or pictures of Danielle Staub and her former boyfriend Stephen Zalewski" until a hearing next month. She also filed a lawsuit against Steve, claiming that he filmed their intimate moments without her knowledge, and that this has caused her children "emotional distress." She says he just trying to grab some of her attention.

Check out the preview from part 2 of the reunion, which airs on Thursday.

2.) Andy Cohen
Andy — who is mostly known to audiences as the host of all the Real Housewives reunion shows, but is also Senior Vice President of Production and Programming at Bravo — weighed in on both Danielle and last night's reunion on his blog, saying, "I wish I'd have pushed Danielle about her eyebrow lift because it looks to an amateur like me like she had one." We were thinking the same thing!

We're gonna be seeing a lot more of Andy because he apparently has his own talk show now. Watch What Happens will air weekly on Thursday nights at midnight, beginning next month. It will include interviews with cast members from Bravo's different reality series.

3.) Real Housewives of Atlanta
The second season of the series will premiere on July 30, with a new cast member: Kandi Burruss, a former member of the girl group Xscape. There's already drama involving her fiancé, who is accused of being a deadbeat dad and a drug dealer.

The description of Kim on Bravo's site is priceless:

When We Last Saw Her: Weeping on a couch at the Reunion Special. Kim's castmates accused her of lying about her cancer, while Kim recalled waiting for the diagnosis at Chili's.

Also: She put out a single called, "A Crack in the Foundation" and this season will show her struggling to launch a wig line!

NeNe seems to be doing okay, considering that she was in a financial shitstorm after last season wrapped. This preview clip from the upcoming season shows her living in a new fancy house and hanging out with that stylish gay guy who continues to use the word "dreadful" to describe things.

4.) Bethenny's Mouth
The Real Housewives of New York City will begin filming for the third season at the end of the summer, according to an interview with Bethenny. She also talked about Kelly Bensimon, saying, "She's a complete and utter idiot."

On her blog on E!, Bethenny opined about the New Jersey reunion. My personal fave was this: "How can I delicately say the following but just to say it? Is Teresa a total moron?"

But this is also a very good point:

I disagree that even if Tamra or Jill lived in Sicily that anyone would think they have mob ties. Some of these Jersey girls really fit that mold. The jobs in construction, the name Teresa, the furniture for cash, the big McMansions, the German shepherd and the best friend of Caroline's who is the former police commissioner who used state money for shady activities. Go figure why these rumors started.

5.) Record Ratings
Bethenny may have thought that the reunion was boring, but a shitload of people watched it. It was the highest-rated reunion episode ever, and made Bravo the No. 1 cable network in the hour (also out-delivering broadcast networks FOX, ABC, CBS and the CW) among adults 18-34.

Judge Stops Release Of 'Real Housewives' Sex Tape [Yahoo]
Housewives of NJ: New Details Emerge From Danielle's Past [People]
"Jersey" Girl's Sordid Past [TSG]
NJ Housewife — Reality Show Good, Sex Tape Bad [TMZ]
Danielle Staub Of 'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' Has A Very Real Criminal Past, Documents Show [NY Daily News]
'New Jersey Housewife' Danielle Reacts To Sex Tape [Entertainment Tonight]
Bravo To Stay Up Late [NY Post]
Atlanta Housewife Kandi Burruss Defends Her Man, 'He's Not A Deadbeat or Drug Dealer' ! [Singers Room]
Five Questions For Bethenny Frankel [Star Tribune]
Real Housewives Of N.Y.'s Bethenny Frankel On New Jersey Reunion: "Boring" [E!]

1.) Bacon, cultural insensitivity, measurements: The Yenta Hour with Kathie Lee and Hoda has it all.

2.) "Inappropriate affect" is my new favorite description.

3.) Jersey Shore Unleased
We posted on this new reality show earlier this week, but there was So. Much. More. Even though I'm more familiar with, and endeared to, South Jersey, where I've spent a lot of summers down the shore, I still love the Northerners depicted on this show, because although their accents slightly differ from the douchebags and douchebaguettes I've grown up around, everything else is pretty much still the same…in Jersey, we don't pump our gas, we pump our fists.

4.) Also, I love their love.

5.) Male boobs.

6.) Teyona is America's Next Top Model. Duh.

7.)

8.) Ramona's on no "crap pike."
Part 2 of the Real Housewives Of New York reunion was crazy eyes.

9.) "Cartwheels have no price." — Kelly Bensimon, 2009

10.) Darling

I can't tell if Kelly is stupid or weird, but either way, she doesn't make sense.

Here, the Countess tells Kelly that she's jealous of the Countess. (But who isn't, according to the Countess?)

In this clip, all the girls go after the Countess for her superiority complex. (But "darling" is her favorite word and she's not giving it up for anyone!)

The reunion taping went so "well" (meaning there were lots fights) that there will be a part 2 airing on Thursday. Here are the summaries of the fights from last night.


Round #1
Kelly Vs. The Media



The Fight: The media has attacked Kelly's very important name with allegations that she beat up her ex-boyfriend.
Kelly said: "Every single day my name was in the paper."
Bethenny said:


Kelly said: "Does anyone ever asked me what happened? No."
We thought: "Someone just did."
Luann said: "Well, he's definitely not a gentleman."
The Winner: Bethenny.

Round #2
The Countess Vs. The Count



The Fight: They couple are getting divorced after several years of marriage.
The Low Blow: Count Alex ended their relationship via email.
The Winner: No one really wins in these situations, but it would seem like the Countess does by default since he was an asshole and she gets to keep her title.

Round #3
The Countess vs. The Ethiopian Princess



The Fight: The Countess' husband left her for a woman who is reportedly a princess.
Luann said: "I think that was slipped by [Alex and the princess] in order to make her look like just not an Ethiopian woman. I just thought it was interesting that he releases the fact that she's a princess to make it look 'OK.'"
The Winner: The Princess has a better title, but she's dating below her rank. She still wins though.

Round #4
Ramona Vs. The Countess



The Fight: Ramona said that the Countess' husband was an old man. The Countess overreacted.
Jill said: "If it's none of my business, then why knock my rules that you would never take a guy's number when you [asked for my husband's best friend's number]."
The Countess' defense: "Oh you are really searching, darling."
The Countess' jab: "Then why did you buy me a magnum of champagne?"
Jill said: "That I paid for by the way and you never paid me back."
The Winner: Jill.

Round #5
Ramona Vs. Jill



The Fight: Ramona said she was working on a skin care line for a year and a half. Jill insisted that it was less time than that.
Ramona said: "I have so many things, sometimes I get my age wrong."
Jill said: "Ok, then say that maybe you got the date wrong."
Ramona said: "Maybe I got the date wrong."
Jill said: "Alright, we're good. You said maybe you got the date wrong. That's all."
The Winner: Jill.

Round # 6
Ramona's Mouth Vs. Everyone



The Fight: Ramona has no filter from her brain to her mouth.
Her reasoning: She had a bad upbringing and she does "the best I can."
Jill said: "That's a good answer."
The Winner: Ramona's mouth.

Round #7
Ramona Vs. Alex



The Fight: Ramona thinks Alex's kids are ill-behaved. They tried to hump her at a dinner party.
Alex's defense: They were one and three years old at the time.
The Winner: François.

Round #8
Alex Vs. Bethenny



The Fight: Alex didn't appreciate Bethenny's Greek chorus interviews in which she made one-liners about people.
Alex said: "I don't go behind your back and say things that are really snarky. I say everything to your face."
Bethenny said: "Fair enough."
The Winner: Alex.

Round #9
Kelly Vs. Crying



The Fight: Kelly doesn't like it that Bethenny cries all the time about men.
The Weirdness: Kelly was the "ambassador for wool" and this makes her "authentic."
Kelly said: "I'm not gonna cry over crying."
The Winner: Crying.

Round #10
Ramona Vs. Bethenny



The Fight: Ramona wrote on her blog that the last laugh is on Bethenny because she is single."
Ramona said: "She said my advice went back before there were phones."
Jill said: "She's being snarky not reality."
We thought: Are the two mutually exclusive here?
Ramona said: "I'm not writing blogs anymore. I'm not doing blogs."
The Winner: Blogs.

Did anyone else notice that Fatima—from Top Model cycle 10, who was circumcised as a young girl—was in the Moroccan fashion show that Bethenny hosted?

And we have many, many glasses of pinot gregio to thank for this awesomeness.

As with most of the Real Housewives franchise, the reunion special is always better than the whole season combined. Here are a few clips from the show, set to air next week. In this first one, Ramona (and her eyes) bugs out over blogs the cast had written.

In this one, the Countess goes on the attack regarding her marriage, while somehow never admitting that she's actually getting a divorce.

Lastly, Kelly (sorta) explains her courtroom dramz.

In other news, I thought that Alex and Simon's renovation (or at least, the few rooms we've seen of it) looked amazing.

Earlier: Kelly Bensimon Delivers Verbal Smack Down

The purpose of all of this? Charity, supposedly. Viewers can vote for the Housewife they thought did the best job putting together an outfit with the budget they were given, and the winner will be announced on May 12, during the premiere of Real Housewives of New Jersey. The winning Wife will have $10,000 donated to the charity of her choice.

I voted for Kim — the woman who wears a wig because she thought she might've had cancer two years ago — and the security text to secure my vote was totally ironic:

All of The Real Housewives of Orange County were there, four of the original Atlanta cast were there, and only three — Bethenny, Ramona, and Kelly — from New York were there.

The most interesting (to me at least) was that Gretchen from Orange County was there with Slade Smiley, the guy from the first two seasons of Real Housewives, who dated Jo, and then was later arrested on back child support payments. We posted a little while back that we heard that the two began dating before the body of Gretchen's late fiancé got cold. Does this confirm it?

Earlier: Real Housewives Star Arrested For Being A Deadbeat Dad?

I love that lil' LuLu didn't even bother having a pen or reading from notes as she dictated copy into her writer's — Diane Reverand — tape recorder. A Google and Amazon search has informed me that Diane is something of a bigwig in publishing. She's ghostwritten like 50,000,000,000 books and edited and published a bunch more, like the bestseller Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, as well as books for Dr. Mehmet Oz and Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Class With the Countess hits bookstores tomorrow, btw.

To her benefit, Bethenny's calm demeanor made her come off way better than Kelly, who appeared unhinged, during the conversation. (The Botox in Bethenny's forehead also helped a whole lot, making her appear completely serene.) Anyway, Bethenny better watch her ass, because Kelly might punch her.

When LuAnn married Count Alexandre de Lesseps (the great-great-great grandson of Ferdinand de Lesseps, who built the Suez Canal and presented the Statue of Liberty to the United States) she gained the title Countess, and was "legally entitled to the privileges of peerage," meaning that she had a "life estate in her husband's dignity." She is not a peer in her own right, but simply "style" alone. Still, it's considered a legal title.

She loses her legal right to the "peerage style"— being Countess LuAnn de Lesseps — following divorce. However, with divorce having become more and more common in the last couple of centuries, a convention was developed that allows divorced wives to retain a "courtesy title," which means that her first name will be placed before the title, followed by her last name, e.g. LuAnn Countess de Lesseps. This helps distinguish divorced wives from a peer's subsequent wives. She's not required to be addressed that way, and can instead go by her given name, or simply LuAnn de Lesseps. Knowing how much she's come to identify with her husband's aristocracy, I think it's safe to say that LuAnn will opt for the courtesy title.

LuAnn is actually Alex's fourth wife, and it's unknown if he has children from his previous marriages. On the show she mentioned that the family heirlooms and jewelry will get passed on to her son, who will inherit her husband's title. Does this mean that LuAnn's jewelry will be taken when the divorce is final, since it belongs to the title, and not necessarily to her?

In her most recent blog post, she said that her mantra is "if you don't take care of yourself, nobody else will," which is why she's taking a few days off to go to a spa. Perhaps she'll take some time there to reflect on what she thought was the problem with women: that they're "too equal" with men.

Count 'Housewife' Couple Out [NY Post]
Courtesy Titles [Wikipedia]
Earlier: Countess LuAnn: "The Problem Today With Women Is That They're Too Equal With Men"
LuAnn's Insistence On Being Called "Countess" Is Not Very Civilized

The Black:
Leighton Meester plays it safe in basic black.
Jamie-Lynn Sigler and Leighton Meester either got dressed together or were secretly pissed when the other one showed up.


The White:
Don't think the black accessories make this okay, Constance Zimmer! Fine, it's sorta pretty, she said sullenly.
Okay dress, lousy shoes, Real Housewife Jill Zarin.
I'm confused not just by Julia Levy-Boeken's defiance, but also her hair. Why is she so angry?
You'd think a self-described classy rich person like Real Housewife Bethenny Frankel would know better than to thwart Miss Manners!


The Bad:
This must be what a bad trip feels like. Cause I'm in 1994 with Behati Prinsloo. And I don't like it.
Y'know, if you wanna wear lime green like Carla Gugino, maybe don't do a fabric with a horizontal weave, too.
You know how during the Depression sometimes folks would wear flour-sack dresses? Let's pretend one of those sacks was made of sequined lame and trimmed with feathers. Monique Lhuillier did! Okay, maybe not the sharecropper part.

Images via Getty