Jezebel 
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New York, 1:32 PM
Sat Dec 19
73 posts in the last 24 hours
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11/25/09
11/25/09
1) Success in Japan is decided heavily early on in your life. If you didn't pass your exams to get into the "right" middle school, you probably won't be able to get into the "right" high school, and in turn the "right" college, and in turn get a full-time job upon graduation. Otherwise, you're stuck with an endless stream of low-wage, temporary, part-time jobs. If you're lucky, you'll be a permatemp with no job security and get paid a fraction of what you're worth. This whole system of going to the "right" schools and whatnot makes it so that Japanese otaku can't do what American nerds/geeks do where they can just show an employer their mad skillz and turn that into a job at Google or whatever (and in turn, start having "real" adult lives.)
2) Because it's basically expected that you'll live at home until marriage, these guys will usually manage to not be in complete poverty, although some do end up homeless and "live" in places like all-night net cafes. The ones that live at home will fortunately have few living expenses.
3) But while they have few living expenses, they still don't make remotely enough to live, for lack of a better term, "real" lives and still need to make decisions about spending on essentials. In a sense, it could very well cost them basically all of their income to live a facsimile of a "real" life by doing things like dressing well and whatnot. Yet even though they look the part, it's still basically pointless, so why bother? Honda's point is similar to this, although his is based on some kind of psychology rather than simple financial realities.
4) Then, women are similarly in a bind. They may have been in the same situation where they didn't get on the right track in 6th grade, so they're stuck working at 7-11 or at best, being a temp clerical worker. Even if they got one of those real full-time jobs, Japanese society is so sexist that women are still really not "supposed" to work. I remember a story earlier this year, for example about a woman who sued her company for firing her because he had a baby. Their reasoning? You need to take care of the baby, and you couldn't possibly be able to take care of it properly while still working. And of course, if the women is one of those top candidates that IS able to have a real career and a real life, she can have her pick of men.
5) Therefore, there also really isn't a female equivalent of these body pillow dudes because women are coming from a different angle socially. "Fujoshi" commonly gets translated as meaning "female otaku" and while it's the closest thing that there is to a "female otaku", it's not really the same as that. Fujoshi are more like those Twilight Moms. In other words, they're basically "just" fangirls.
6) Also related to #4 are those hostesses like in the one article here earlier this year. That's one of the few jobs where women outside of that insider track can earn enough money to be independent. When you think about it though, it's still functionally equivalent to the women that just try to find one of those full-time workers to marry, because all the money that flows to those hostess clubs are from the expense account crowd, since after all they are the only ones that can afford to splurge like a thousand dollars in a single night. And of course, that's a job with an expiration date.
tl;dr the broken economy has made the standard male/female relationships start to break down.
11/25/09
It also explains why most of the Western woman I know who are married to Japanese dudes are married to working class dudes who have "nothing to lose." The dudes I dated fell into this category. If you actually do get that brass ring, it is utterly necessary to conform. I don't think people get how utterly inflexible these roles can be and how psychologically damaging.
I see the Japanese guys I went to college with (at Waseda, which is like an Ivy) now that they've been salary men for a while and they are seriously BEATEN DOWN by it. On the other hand, my host brother failed his college entrance exams twice and had a nervous breakdown and lives at home and shoplifts and burns himself with cigarettes. You're pretty much damned either way.
Career+love life (or dissatisfaction with these things) was a big part of why I left after 4 years of living there.
11/25/09
11/25/09
11/25/09
I can't say I fully understand why I've failed so badly in relationships, but it has fucked me up. In high school and then my early twenties I used to have a ton of friends, as they paired up and 'grew up' and I kept failing at dating we grew apart. Now the lonliness is desperate. No social life, no idea of how to restart one. Without work friends I'd go insane. I have so much sympathy for all guys and girls who have only ever known any kind of romance or affection in their heads. It hurts, and after a while it really damages you.
Some people just aren't attractive enough or social enough to find mates. I believe I'm one of them. I won't judge others for trying to lessen that pain.
The joke is that my only criteria in a woman is kindness. There must be at least some equivalent women in my position, but Isuppose that with both parties out of the system and so hurt by rejection, there's no chance of us meeting, you know. It's kinda sad. Very sad.
11/25/09
If you're 28 and have never had a girlfriend, you know nothing of kissing, sex, going out, how to deal with arguments, buying presents, being spontaneous. A woman your age is not going to accept that. So these guys imagine the more exploratory adolescent relationships that they never had, where it's far more acceptable for both parties to be making mistakes, and learning as they go along. That's why a lot of these guys, though not actual paedophiles, follow stories about 16 year olds as opposed to 26 year olds.
11/25/09
She didn't have a problem with his sexual status. She found it a little odd, as in, not what she expected, but she didn't care, because she liked him. Sure, they didn't stay together for life, but they had a good go while they were together.
It is possible. I know it's hard - I have my own set of issues that makes a long-term relationship damn near impossible. But it can happen. There's so much pressure to be in a relationship, to have one, or you will end up alone. It's difficult to be in that non-knowing stage when it seems like everyone else has long passed it. I'll be 23 in a month, and I'm still a virgin, though I am by choice. I'm not really capable of certain kinds of physical intimacy. I can understand how the pressure builds up and becomes almost insurmountable. PM me if you ever want to chat. I've seen your comments, and I think you're an insightful, intelligent addition to Jez.
11/25/09
11/25/09
11/25/09
I don't want to become the Jezebel poster girl for lonely hearts but it is not just men who seek out something to fill the void. I have joked with friends that if I could afford a male real doll I would get one. I don't actually know if I would go that far but I do find comfort in having that option.
11/25/09
11/25/09
Just to give everyone here some context, this guy was always trying to get dates with other women and actually succeeded in developing a few relationships with some of them. However, most never lasted more than a month because the woman would dump him or he would loose interest in them for some reason or another. His biggest problem was that he was a very shy/introverted individual and I suppose he fell into the "Nice-Guy" category for most women and wasn't very keen on being accommodating to other people.
When he finally got his first doll (it was one of those non-anime mannequin dolls from Japan that he ordered from) and I asked him why, he basically said that he had "given up" on the whole dating scene and said flat out that women only wanted successful guys with money and that he wasn't going to be part of the "rat race" anymore. Now, while still think he was over reacting to the whole situation and if he had just decided to put more effort into putting himself out there and worked developing his conversational skills a bit, I think he would've found somebody that would like him and could form a more lasting relationship with said person.
I've pretty lost contact with him now, but I can't help be feel sad for the guy. He basically just stopped trying, and maybe that's why most of these men have turned to these dolls now. Part of the reason is that they want to have a consequence free relationship, with all the trimmings, but it makes me think that maybe they weren't meant to be in a real relationship anyway.
11/25/09
See, it's things like this that make me worried. Any kind of personal belief that includes something like "women only want such-and-such" makes me worry. It's like a version of the guy who went to the gym and shot all those women in an aerobics class. He also had all these beliefs about what "all women" were like and what they wanted and how he wasn't it and how angry that made him. It's just that instead of getting angry and shooting someone, these men buy dolls. Which, obviously, is the preferable way of dealing with the rejection, but I do think it comes from the same sense of entitlement to women's bodies and relationships.
11/25/09
No, it's the same reason why little girls and old women can't seem to get enough of Edward Cullen.
I don't think this is a symptom of technology so much as it's an conflict of our own personal issues.
There are many reasons why people are drawn to these inanimate creations. There is no one answer, but there are several major factors that I think affect it.
1. A sense of safety.
Pain, on both a physical and emotional level, is something that most people will do anything to avoid. So much so that they are willing to bypass the good that could come with taking that risk. They don't have to worry about the woman/guy dumping them. Or saying the wrong thing and making a fool out of themselves. This allows them to be more relaxed and not feel in any sort of danger of being hurt.
2. High standards.
Many men and women out there, just don't seem to match up to the horrendous list of requirements we set. When these standards are not met, or if any issues should arise it feels all the more like you are in the wrong relationship, when maybe it is merely time to step back and reconsider both your true needs and that of your lover's.
3. Low self esteem.
This is an easy one, we set high standards, all the while feeling like we are not worth a person's time. It is a feeling many experience and can literally crush you if not properly combated.
4. It's easier.
It's so much easier to go home, turn on your console or open a book and dive into this character whenever you want. You don't have to call it. You don't have to tell it when you're going out for a beer with the guys. And you can work late guilt free.
There are many more reasons but these are the ones that come to mind when I hear of stories like these.
11/25/09
Rabbits bond REALLY close with you if you don't have another bun. Well when I first got her she tried to form a bond with anything that resembled her...a fuzzy pillow, slipper, blanket...anything I would find her snuggled up to. She kept acting out, and biting and marking whenever I tried to move said objects.
All this went away when I got her a companion bunny. She was so much happier.
I know it's a REALLY weird parallel but I see it clear as day with the Real Doll guys.
11/25/09
[en.wikipedia.org]
11/25/09
11/25/09
Are they just as adamant that their dolls are people, or is it more like my relationship with my vibrator? Or is it like my vibrator mixed with my affection for, say, the love interest in a YA fantasy novel? Because these men see their dolls/girlfriends as their girlfriends, not sex toys/fictional characters with attractive traits.
This trend seems to be made up of mostly men. I think an exploration of the women who have realdoll boyfriends would be interesting, or women who marry male anime characters*. I wonder if the fact that it's mostly men has something to do with male privilege and assumption of a right to a relationship with a woman who fits all your criteria? Do men simply feel more entitled to a "perfect" relationship, and so the weirdness of finding it a doll becomes nullified? Are men taught to see women as having less agency than themselves, so a relationship with an agency-less object is more plausible?
*A queer look would also be interesting, but for wholly other reasons. The continued suppression and demonization of queerness would affect the potential motivation for finding not-human companionship, I think.
11/25/09
I think people aren't willing to make the necessary compromises to make relationships work anymore- they want absolutely everything on their terms which is a lot easier when your partner is a figment of your fantasy imagination.
11/25/09
11/25/09
All I have to say is thank god this man is not in the dating pool.
11/25/09