• Timbaland recorded a song with Chris Brown for his upcoming album, but now he's removed Chris' vocals from the track. Timbaland's manager says it's a "creative decision for both parties," but sources say he's done with the "drama" surrounding Chris.

• Timbaland's manager added, "There's nothing against Chris. We love Chris." Coincidentally, Timbaland's album will be released on December 8, the same day as Chris'. [TMZ]
• In May Chris Brown was sued by a paparazzo who claims he fell down a staircase at an L.A. Fitness after being chased by his bodyguards. Now Chris has filed papers saying he's not responsible for the injuries because LA Fitness didn't keep the paparazzi out.TMZ]
• Someone threw a packaged ham at Paula Deen at a charity event in Atlanta. It smacked her in the face, but she wasn't injured. [TMZ]
• Her rep says she was "startled at first, but quickly regained focus and kept her humor... She's okay now and is icing her face." [Us]
• ABC received about 1,500 complaints about Adam Lambert's performance at the AMAs last night, which included a dancer on a leash, simulated oral sex, and Lambert kissing another man. ABC said that isn't an unusual number of complaints, and the executives probably don't care because it was the highest rated AMAs since 2002. [USA Today]
• Jennifer Lopez joked about tripping at the AMAs, saying, "Did I trip a little bit? I don't even remember... Yeah, I meant to do that. That was part of the choreography." [People]
• Roman Polanski's lawyers are fighting amongst themselves. Last week, his French lawyer said, "he will not accept being extradited to the United States," but his L.A. lawyers just issued a statement saying, "Any statements made in the press to the effect that Mr. Polanski will not accept lawful orders of the courts, including relating to extradition, are not true." [Daily Express]
• In response to Perez Hilton writing: "It's been one year since Asslee pushed Bronx Mowgli through her vayjayjay and it's all the family is talking about!" Jessica Simpson Tweeted: "Does perez hilton..whatever his name really is..have no heart at all? Don't ever attack my family again.Sad to know u hate so deeply.Sad 4 U" [Us]
• Jon Gosselin's former lawyer Charles Meyer, who withdrew from his divorce case in September, has filed an emergency petition asking that the $43,000 Jon owes him be taken out of Jon's share of the property distribution before it's handed out to Jon. [TMZ]
• Dr. Conrad Murray returned to work today at his Houston clinic for the first time since Michael Jackson's death. [AP]
• The Texas Medical Board is now conducting their own investigation of Dr. Conrad Murray, which was triggered by the ongoing DEA investigation of the doctor. [TMZ]
• Alexandra Forbes Kerry, Senator John Kerry's daughter, won't be prosecuted for DUI because when she was stopped last week, she was under the legal limit. [TMZ]
• A jury found Barry Carpenter, the Ohio police chief accused of breaking into the home of Sarah Jessica Parker's surrogate, guilty of receiving stolen property, theft in office and tampering with evidence. He was acquitted on charges of burglary and unauthorized used of property or services. He faces up to 10 years in jail. [AP]
• Michael Barrett, the man accused of secretly filming Erin Andrews in hotel rooms, has pled not guilty to one count of interstate stalking. [Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt gave more than $6 million to charity last year, doubling what they gave in 2007. [Showbiz 411]
• Today on her show, Martha Stewart said there are "some comments that are circulating on the Internet regarding me and Rachael Ray" but, "just for the record there are no bad feelings between us nor have there ever been... I truly believe that Rachael has done a terrific job bringing people, many people who would of never of even stepped into the kitchen or made a dish to cook. I applaud Rachel for her enthusiastic approach to cooking." [CNN]
• In a clip from tomorrow's episode of The Hills, Spencer Pratt says he took Heidi Montag to a sushi restaurant "for a little alcohol test" because he thinks she has purposely ditched her birth control pills, and that's the easiest way to tell if your wife's pregnant. [Us]
• Someone at the L.A. Times read and summarized How to be Famous by Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, so you wouldn't have to: [L.A.T.]
• Candy Spelling has settled with the ex-maid who was suing her for overworking her. A Spelling source says the maid didn't get much, but "Maybe in maid money it's a lot." [TMZ]
• When asked about his relationship with Kate Hudson, A-Rod said, "Life is good I'm happy. We're happy, I have lots to be grateful for." [Radar Online]
• Keith Urban says he hopes his daughter Sunday Rose grows up to be a singer. "She's got some pipes," he says. "I think she sounds quite musical. I sit at the piano with her in the morning and we mash the keys together." [Us]
• Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson spent the weekend frolicking in New York. They went to a few bars, were spotted making out, and finished the weekend at Megu last last night. "They were with two friends and looked very cozy," says a source. "Both were having a great time." [People]
• Zac Efron says:"My first audition ever was for this Peter Pan live action show when I was 15 and I'd just done the play Peter Pan so I thought 'who could be better'. I showed up and it was on tape in this tiny room. On stage you speak to the back of the room and you project and Peter Pan is very animated and jumping off things and going crazy so that's what I did in the audition, running around and jumping off my chair, singing the lines. This woman interrupted me and goes 'you've never done this before have you?' and I went 'no' and she went 'okay you can go' and that was the worst audition ever, ever in my life. I kind of wept about that one." People]
• Here's Chippendales dancer Nathan Minor's critique of Levi Johnston's Playgirl photos: "The only problem — his hairy armpits! We take only mostly shaved guys. He should also focus on his diet to help him get a bit harder. He doesn't have to go the fitness-y hard look, but he could tighten up a little bit. His body is a little soft. But he has good hair and a great face. He's definitely Chippendales material. Anytime he wants to do the show, he's more than welcome!" [Us]
• Q: "In light of your song 'Baby By Me,' if you could pick a celebrity to be your 'baby mama,' who would it be? 50 Cent: "That would probably be an easier question for someone who isn't a celebrity. I don't know. Maybe I'd have an interracial relationship with Megan Fox... I'll get me some Jada and walk around like I'm Will (laughs). Maybe, who else? I'm not really excited by celebrity because I'm a celebrity. People who have a little bit more normalcy can't understand exactly what it is, but you get accustomed to it and it becomes less interesting." [AP]

1.) Martha Stewart Vs. Rachael Ray
Last night on Nightline, Cynthia McFadden tried to stir up shit between the two women.

2.) Martha Stewart Vs. Sarah Palin
But on the red carpet this week, Martha didn't need any encouragement to talk shit on Sarah.

3.) Piper Palin Child Beauty Queen
Earlier this week, I joked that Piper Palin was wearing so much makeup for Sarah's interview with Barbara Walters that she practically looked high glitz.

Later that day, Oprah's camera crew went to Wasilla to film the Palin family at home, where Piper was wearing a crown and a sash.

4.) Mother/daughter bonding

5.) The D.E.N.N.I.S. System
It's funny 'cause it's true.

6.) Crap letter from a dude
As featured on True Life: I Can't Leave My Boyfriend. The guy later came back to her apartment when she wasn't home, and stole all of her electronics and her dog.

7.) America's Next Top Amityville Horror
ANTM aired some never-before-seen moments, and I'd rather that this one had stayed unseen.

8.) Drunk idiots
The people on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge get so stupid drunk that they always end up fighting, and subsequently kicked off the show (whichseems to be their sole source of income). Brad started in with Darrell for no reason.

And then Darrell turned Brad into Quasimodo.

9.) Sewing with Nancy
Her awkwardness makes me uncomfortable.

10.) Stomache

• Nicole Richie has been complaining that she doesn't feel well for days, and now she's been hospitalized at Cedars-Sinai for pneumonia. Her rep says she's "doing well."

• On Sunday she Tweeted: "ok cold, it's been 6 days. Lets part ways graciously & keep it moving." [People]
• Amy Winehouse has spent a third night in the hospital after being admitted for mixing cold medications. [People]
• Michael Barrett has been officially charged with one count of interstate stalking for allegedly filming Erin Andrews in hotels around the country. [TMZ]
• Jennifer Lopez's ex-husband Ojani Noa claims he's been receiving death threats since threatening to sell the video they made during their honeymoon. "She's having him followed. We just ran the license plate of the car . . . and it goes directly back to Jennifer Lopez. Ojani's scared," says his lawyer. [N.Y. Post]
• Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt reportedly got into such a bad fight this morning that the police were called. An eyewitness said Doug got in his car, but Paris screamed, "don't go, don't go." He got out of the car and they started shoving each other. [TMZ]
• Paris Hilton denies that she and Doug Reinhart were fighting. She said: "Doug and I were in bed, sound asleep, when Doug's houseguests from hell got into an argument. We had nothing to do with it. Doug told the LAPD that his guests' fight was over and that we had nothing to do with it." [TMZ]
• Kate Major is planning to sue Jon Gosselin for breach of contract for violating their handwritten agreement. Kate resigned from her position at Star because, "Jon told her he would match the salary she was making at the magazine if she came to work for him as his personal employee," says a source. [Radar Online]
• Cindy Crawford's alleged extortionist, Edis Kayalar, cannot be extradited to the U.S. He turned himself in to German police on Monday, but the country doesn't have an extradition policy with the U.S. He is still facing charges because he's accused of emailing about transferring the money into a German bank account, which is against the law. [TMZ]
• The court has notified Roman Polanski's lawyers that a request has been made to allow TV coverage of his bail hearing on December 10. A judge hasn't decided if the cameras will be allowed or not. [N.Y.T.]
• Sarah Palin invited Levi Johnston to her house for Thanksgiving dinner on Oprah but he won't be attending. He told Playgirl it's "a nice gesture, but she didn't mean it." He said having dinner with the Palins would be "awkward." [People]
• The Sarah Palin interview gave Oprah Winfrey her biggest audience in two years. [Politico]
• We thought everyone knew this already, but Radar Online his confirmed that Carrie Prejean was over 18 when she took those nude pictures by analyzing her tan lines in various states of undress. It's unclear why she couldn't have tan lines at 17. [Radar Online]
• Carrie Prejean's dad says of her sex tapes, "The personal information they are bringing out against Carrie is irrelevant to anything." Will Prejean continues, "Carrie is supposed to be doing all of these TV appearances to promote her book, and everyone can only focus on the tapes... I'm not someone who looks backwards. I think we need to look to the future. Why isn't anyone talking about the charity work and all of the charitable organizations that Carrie's involved in?" [E!]
• In an interview on Good Morning America, Janet Jackson admitted that Michael Jackson's family staged several interventions about his drug use but "weren't very successful." She says he understood "that it was out of love," but in these situations, "people tend to be in denial." [TMZ]
• Somehow "Michael Jackson's estate" is fighting with Janet Jackson because her new song "Make Me" includes the line "Don't stop till you get it up," even though the people in charge of MJ's estate say they're unaware of the dispute. [ET]
• Sources say Evan Chandler, the father of the boy who accused Michael Jackson of molesting him, had been estranged from his family for three years before he committed suicide earlier this month and had changed his appearance with plastic surgery to avoid a backlash from the case. [Radar Online]
• Michael Jackson's kids attended the L.A. premiere of New Moon and avoided the paparazzi by sneaking in a side door. A friend says, "They loved it." [Showbiz 411]
• Whoa. Miley Cyrus may be the only 16-year-old who isn't into Twilight. "I've never seen it and nor will I ever," said Miley. "I don't believe in it... I don't like vampires. I don't like the wolf that pops out of the screen when I'm watching my TV at night. I don't like it. I don't want anything to do with it. I don't like the shirts. I don't like any of it." [People]
• Kristen Stewart says her character Bella "Has a lot of really innate female qualities... For a character in literature, I think it's awesome that so many girls can look up to her, because she's fickle and unabashedly (so)." [Reuters]
• Robert Pattinson says in his pre-Twilight life, "I loved driving around L.A. I know not a lot of people say that, but if you don't have to get anywhere, L.A. is the best place to drive 'round in. I used to have this little car, a convertible ... and I really do miss doing that, as the sun is going down, driving over the mountains. It's a great thing and I kind of do miss that a little bit. It's not really the same thing when you've got 10 cars following you." [AP]
• "I don't think there's something particularly alluring or topical about vampires right now that our generation takes to. I think it's more just that Stephenie [Meyer] wrote these characters with really creative, really gloried character traits. He's a vampire - he sucks blood and all that - but being a vampire is really just a symbol of who he is. I think if you take all of the mythical aspects away from the story, these characters would still be interesting. And they'd still stand. That's what people have become addicted to. At least concerning the fans. I don't think it's a vampire thing." — Kristen Stewart [Time]
• New Moon director Chris Weitz says he's quitting making movies after doing one more film. "Every time I make a movie I'm pretty much convinced it's the last time I'm going to be able to do it and that really it's a rather silly occupation to undertake," he says. "But I think I have maybe one more film in me." [People]
• Pamela Anderson says she has told her sons about the sex tape she made with Tommy Lee. "I knew the kids were going to watch [Borat] and there was a reference to the tape in the movie and they're that age and, you know, people are going start saying things," she said. "I just said, 'Look, Mummy and Daddy were massively in love, we videotaped everything, everything was videotaped, and you're probably going hear about something at school.'" [The Sun]
• Pamela Anderson says, "I've tried it (cocaine) and I don't like it. I'm completely hyper and it actually doesn't work for me. I've dabbled in things." [Contact Music]
• Nicolas Cage, a U.N. ambassador, went to a jail in Kenya to talk to the suspected Somali pirates. "Then I'm in a position where I can actually make some sense and talk about it when I go back to the States where I go talk to different U.N. councils and discuss the matter," Cage said. [AP]
• Andrew Lloyd Webber has be re-admitted to the hospital after developing an infection following surgery for prostate cancer. [AP]
• Penny Marshall has liver cancer, according to The National Enquirer. "Most people would have been devastated, crying on the shoulder of friends and family. But not Penny - she was angry!" said a family source. "The last thing Penny wants is for anyone to feel sorry for her." [National Enquirer]
• Jennifer Hudson will play Winnie Mandela in Winnie, Clint Eastwood's movie about Nelson Mandela's ex-wife. "I was compelled and moved when I read the script," Hudson said. "Winnie Mandela is a complex and extraordinary woman, and I'm honored to be the actress asked to portray her. This is a powerful part of history that should be told." [People]
• Clint Eastwood says the U.S. is "becoming more juvenile as a nation. The guys who won World War II and that whole generation have disappeared, and now we have a bunch of teenage twits..." [Daily Express]
• The Black Eyed Peas' manager, Liborio Molina, won't face charges for punching Perez Hilton in the back of the head. Here's what Molina wrote: 'I apologize for what I did on June 22 of 2009, even though you engaged in highly offensive comments, including a homophobic slur to my clients, I acknowledge that these kinds of issues should not be resolved through a physical response." [TMZ]
• Liborio Molina has also agreed not to contact Perez HIlton and cannot carry any weapons for a year. [AP]
• Precious will be awarded the Producers Guild of America's Stanley Kramer Award, which goes to a film that tackles provocative social issues in a constructive way. [N.Y.T.]
• Kirstie Alley Tweeted about being the butt of Conan O'Brien's fat jokes saying, "ONE BITCH I'm gonna knck [sic] out next time I see her is CONAN O'BITCH O'BRIAN [sic]. That guy acts like I bit his dick off." Star Jones Tweeted back: "You know Conan probably 'wanted some' and you chumped him...I know a few brothers from Brooklyn who owe me! LOL" [Us]
• Roger Moore was named the 2009 Person of the Year by the U.K. branch of PETA for campaigning against foie gras. [Reuters]
• Mariah Carey was late to the British show This Morning, so host Phillip Schofield Tweeted: "Sitting here twiddling our thumbs waiting for Mariah Carey. la la la laaa," before adding: "It's her album... which we will talk about IF she hurries up!" [The Sun]
• Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair got into a fight at a press conference in Australia. Some say it was staged to promote a wrestling even, but in the picture at the link Hogan's head is coated in blood. [TMZ]
• Fantasia Barrino's fans are upset because she's dating a married father of two who left his wife and kids to move in with her. [Star]
• Robin Williams, who split from his wife of 19 years in 2008, has found love again with graphic designer Susan Schneider. A source said, "Robin truly believes it's no coincidence that Susan came into his life right before his heart operation. He told a pal, 'She saved me - she helped me heal.'" [Daily Express]
• Tyra Banks tried to get model Jessica White, who has been seen holding hands with Sean Penn, to confirm that they're dating, but she said, "I hold hands with my friends." [Us]
• Daniel Radcliffe will guest star in The Simpsons' "Treehouse of Horror XXI" next season. [ONTD]
• Hugh Jackman has forgiven his mother for abandoning the family when he was young, and was spotted spending time with her in New York yesterday. "My mother was not well," Jackman has said. "I always hoped she would come back, but I never blamed her for anything that went wrong. At the time, I was miserable and angry, and my brothers and I used to fight all the time." [News.com.au]
• Carrie Underwood says she isn't moving in with her boyfriend Mike Fisher. "Call me old-fashioned. He's there. I'm here... We're both doing our thing and it's good. The next guy I move in with will be my hubby. Whoever that is. I'm not saying it's going to be him." [People]
• Jessica Simpson Tweeted about her sister Ashlee Simpson-Wentz's Broadway debut: "I can't wait to watch @ashsimpsonwentz on broadway in all of her glory!!! I get chillbumps from toes to noggin thinking about it!!! YAY!!!!!" [Us]
• Pete Wentz said, "I just spent the last weekend – Mom was rehearsing for Chicago – being Dad without a nanny, without Mom, and didn't burn the house down, so I'm pretty excited about that." [People]
• Jessica Szohr says "we had fun" shooting the Gossip Girl threesome. "Penn is really easy to work with and very professional and [so is] Hilary," Szohr said. "We just went with it and tried to make it as easy as possible." [Us]
• Sandra Bullock says her family didn't like her going blonde for The Blind Side. "It was entertaining for a couple of months but it's not really my color palette," she said. Her husband didn't like it either. "Thank God an important person in my life didn't want me being blonde. He was like, ‘I don't like the blonde on you. You want him to say that!" [People]
• "I want boobs, a gentle six-pack and a perky butt," says Amanda Peet. "If I could choose an ideal body, I'd take Gisele Bunchen's. I challenge anyone to say she wouldn't want Gisele's body, deep down... Actually, I'd take a number of people's bodies. I'd take Jennifer Aniston's, too." [People]
• Susan Sarandon is going to meet table tennis legend Jan-Ove Waldner when she travels to Stockholm to receive an award next week. "It was on her initiative, we just made the effort to find him," says Git Scheynius, director of the Stockholm Film Festival. "She's actually involved in a table tennis club in New York — that's one of her greatest hobbies." [Reuters]
• "I feel like I have learned a lot. The movies could not be more different," says Penelope Cruz of her upcoming films Nine and Broken Embraces. "To be able to sing for the first time professionally and dance, it was a scary experience. Broken Embraces is like three women in one. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world." [Reuters]
• Vera Farmiga says she was drawn to the film Up In The Air because, "I thought it was a refreshing spin on feminine desire. It's something you don't too often get to see, a woman being so demanding and libertine and unapologetic about her sexual prowess. She's an adventuress; she's a full-blown romantic operative. That was pretty exciting. And tricky. Because usually, female characters who are so masculine in their needs can come across as lacking dignity. Alex represents to me what's so hard about being a woman, post-feminist. Wanting it all: a family, a career. That sort of pendulum between romance and respectability, virgin-whore, all these lady problems we have to contend with and there will never be an answer to. A modern heroine of sorts." [L.A.T.]
• Heidi Klum says she's wearing something sexy when she hosts the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, even though she wants to lose weight. "I have some great one-of-a-kind latex pieces that were made for me. I figure why not? I embrace that I have more curves right now," said Klum, "I'm definitely one of the heaviest of the bunch of the 30 girls in the show. And I still have 20 lbs. to go... But why not? I like my outfit. I like the way it looks on me." [People]
• "I have a really big scrapbook. I still actually have these notes that Marty Scorsese wrote to me while we were making The Age of Innocence. I save everything. I definitely have that gene in me. Someone was telling me about this show called Hoarders. I was like, 'Oh no!' I save everything. I'm scared I might be a hoarder." — Winona Ryder [Daily Express]
• Martha Stewart says Rachael Ray is "more of an entertainer ... with her bubbly personality, than she is a teacher, like me. That's not what she's professing to be," adding, "To me, she professed that she could — cannot bake... She — just did a new cookbook which is just a re-edit of a lot of her old recipes. She — and that's not good enough for me." Rachael Ray responded: "Why would it make me mad?... Her skill set is far beyond mine. That's simply the reality of it... I'd rather eat Martha's than mine, too." [Us]

• Paris Hilton's dogs live better than you do. She posted pictures via Twitter of their doghouse—for her 13 purse-sized dogs—that was designed as a mini version of her own home. [Daily Mail]

• Women who have had sex with David Carradine are beginning to come out of the woodwork, talking about the late actor's penchant for auto-erotica (which does not involve cars…maybe) and how he'd "spend days planning to construct elaborate sexual devices." [TMZ]
• The headline "FBI Allowed To Observe Carradine Probe" sounds super perverted after reading about Carradine's sex life. [CBS News]
• Diddy was seen leaving the home of Miley Cyrus. Maybe he prayed to baby Jesus for such an encounter with the star, just like Spencer Pratt did. [Perez Hilton]
• After all their back-and-forth publicity stunts on I'm a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! Heidi and Spencer are actually trying to leave the Costa Rican jungle for good, but can't get clearance to fly from doctors who have treated Heidi there. [TMZ]
• NBC has released pictures of the "torture chamber" in which Heidi and Spencer claim they were held in solitary confinement for three days without food or water. NBC says the pair were in there for 14 hours and were given rice and beans, as well as water. [TMZ]
• Even Heidi's reps are saying that the couple's claims of abuse are false. [Us]
• Tila Tequila is "not currently pregnant." Phew! After Tweeting, and then un-Tweeting, that she was knocked up, she clarified the confusion by saying, "The point is…maybe I was pregnant, or maybe I wasn't pregnant. I think that is something very personal." She posted that on her MySpace Celebrity blog, BTW. [People]
• Bret Michaels has a fractured nose and a busted lip from his run-in with a piece of a set at last night's Tony Awards. He always sucked at head banging. [Yahoo]
• Britney Spears' conservators have filed a response to her former manager Sam Lutfi's lawsuit against her in which he seeks cash for unpaid work, as well as damages stemming from an "assault." [TMZ]
• Gwen Stefani will grace the cover of July's Elle, in which she discusses her future with No Doubt, saying, "Everybody's making it like there's all this tension, you know, like I stepped away from the band and now they're jealous of me." Yeah, who could've put that idea out there? (*Cough* "Don't Speak" video *Cough*) [Just Jared]
• Kelly Bensimon of Real Housewives of New York was ordered to two days of community service for assaulting her ex-boyfriend in March. Her charges will be removed from her record if she completes the work and stays out of trouble for a year, which is a good thing, since she wouldn't want her name attached to something like that. [TMZ]
• Katee Sackhoff—aka Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica—will be joining the cast of 24 as a series regular next season. Frack yeah. [EW]
• Chuck Bass wants people to stop calling him fat. [E!]
• Susan Boyle is back home, well, and with her beloved Pebbles. [People]
• Danny Boyle is getting the gang back together. The director has bought the rights to turn Maximum City: Bombay Lost and Found—a book penned by Slumdog Millionaire screenwriter Simon Beaufoy—into a movie that he is planning to shoot with his Slumdog team in Mumbai. [Telegraph]
• Here's news you don't get to hear that often: DMX doesn't have to go to jail. After pleading guilty to felony attempted aggravated assault, he was given 18 months probation. Yay! Party up (up in here)! [TMZ]
• Get ready for three more years of EVOO. CBS has renewed The Rachel Ray Show through 2012. [Mediaweek]
• CBS News says that Julia Roberts has a "brand new role" as a philanthropist because of her involvement with Paul Newman's Hole in the Wall Camps. The article then went on to talk about how Roberts has been involved with the organization for 13 years. [CBS News]
• Rosie O'Donnell is a fellow philanthropist, donating "in excess of $50 million" to various charities. [CBS News]
• Ashton Kutcher Tweeted that he's "gonna have nightmares" after helping his wife Demi Moore sort through her vast collection of rare dolls. There was no mention of whether any of the over 3000 dolls were robbed from a cradle. [Daily Express]
• Sherri Shepherd's Tweeting got her in trouble with her nutritional coach and trainer—who follow The View co-host on the networking site—after she posted about eating buffalo wings and fried calamari this weekend. [People]
• "Man of faith" Terry O'Quinn—who plays John Locke on Lost—was noticeably snubbed from the ballot of this year's Emmy nominations. [NY Mag]
• Pete Wentz spit on a paparazzo—who tried to take a picture of him and his wife Ashlee Simpson—at his birthday party in Vegas on Saturday night. He turned 30. [Perez Hilton]
• John Travolta will not be doing any press or promotional appearances for his latest film, The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (which opens Friday) because he admittedly is still grieving the loss of his son Jett. [People]
• Are Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson back on? She's been meeting up with him on the road while Mötley Crüe is on tour, according to Vince Neil. But he also said it probably has to do with their kids. [Mirror]
• Jon and Kate Gosselin—as in Jon and Kate Plus 8— haven't been as lucky in the housing market as Paris' dogs. Their old home has been on the market for 89 days and isn't budging. Aren't they going to be needing separate residences soon anyway, to fit all their bodyguards and girlfriends? [People]
• The Humane Society is now after the Gosselins after receiving dozens of complaints about how the couple's children are abusive to the family dogs. [People]
• "He used to show me all the sex tapes of him before they got on the Internet." - John Stamos talking about hanging out with Bret Michaels when the two were neighbors a few years back. [NY Mag]
• "Could you imagine the same thing happening to Anthony Bourdain? He could have negotiated his way out with a bottle of Crown Royal and some Marlboro reds." - Margaret Cho in her call for action against North Korea's sentencing of journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling. [MySpace via ONTD]
• "Obviously there's always people can say it's cheesy, it's whatever, but to me it feels real, to me it feels I truly do it because I feel it just feels real at that moment so I just can't stop." - Enrique Iglesias not making sense, but feeling real about it. [Mirror].
• "I'll always be grateful for the sound advice, the friendship, the inspiration that Jon [Voight] gave me. Hopefully, when I'm older and wiser, I can pass on the favor to someone else. Even if it is just my cellmate." - Shia LaBeouf. [ONTD]

• It's unclear why Kiefer Sutherland allegedly headbutted fashion designer Jack McCollough. Some say McCollough bumped into Brooke Shields, but his rep says, "he was the victim of a vicious, violent, unprovoked assault." [People]

• Brooke Shields' rep insists "nothing happened to her" and that "Jack did nothing inappropriate." Police plan to interview Shields and Sutherland. [E!]
• Carrie Prejean sent Keith Lewis, Co-Executive Director of Miss California USA, an email about the topless pictures of her on the internet. She wrote, "This was when I was 17 years old. I was a minor. It was when I was first getting into the modeling world, being naive, and young. I shouldnt (sic) have taken the photo of me in my underwear. There are no other photos of me. This was the only one I took." But, TMZ says someone sent them four pictures over the weekend, but they didn't publish them because her rep said she was only 17. Lewis responded, "I'm absolutely stunned. This completely changes things for us. Yesterday we thought she had explained things accurately. We need to revisit this issue with her." [TMZ]
• As Carrie Prejean suggested in her statement on the topless photos yesterday, her rep says, "It's not a semi-nude pose because she's modeling for lingerie." That would mean she has not violated her Miss California contract that says she may not pose nude or semi-nude. [TMZ]
• Deanna Hummel, the woman whose brother told Us that she's having an affair with Jon Gosselin of Jon and Kate Plus 8, says it's not true. "My brother is making this all up," Hummel says. "He has no credibility ... I can't even stomach the lies he's saying about me. My brother is very shady," says Hummel. "He has no job. He has a criminal background. He was charged for drug distribution. He's on probation right now." [People]
• Earlier this week two bystanders were injured in a car crash stunt on the set of the Nicholas Cage movie Sorcerer's Apprentice in Times Square. Last night, the crew crashed into a parked car when swerving to avoid a taxi and while filming in Brooklyn a fire broke out at a cleaner's and parked production trucks may have blocked firefighters. Gothamist asks, "How many people have to be hospitalized before Nic Cage's reign of terror ends?" [Gothamist]
• Tyler Perry's alleged stalker, Dawne Wilson, was indicted yesterday on a felony aggravated stalking charge. She will be arraigned tomorrow. [TMZ]
• Today Tyra Banks told Rachel Ray that she's glad she lost prom queen in high school, because otherwise she might have become "a bigheaded bitch." [E!]
• Paris Hilton is being sued by movie producers who say she didn't do enough to promote the film Pledge This!, which subsequently bombed. When being questioned about her cell phone usage, Hilton said, "I've never looked at my phone bill in my entire life," adding that she has no idea who does pay the bill. "With my phone I never know, because I lose it all the time," she testified. "I probably get a new cell phone like every two weeks." [The Smoking Gun]
• Judd Apatow said in order to secure a PG-13 rating for his film Year One, he had to cut a joke about "a certain character who could put a part of his anatomy in his own mouth. I don't think you can say that online. It's not one of the main characters. We removed that. It was definitely one of our favorite jokes." [NY Magazine]
• Michelle Obama filmed her Sesame Street appearance yesterday and said, "I think it's probably the best thing I've done so far in the White House." The Daily Mail pointed out that she's met the Queen. We still don't see anything wrong with Michelle's statement. [Gawker]
• Here's a list of 10 famous people who have been banned from entering the U.K., including Martha Stewart, Snoop Dogg, and Barack Obama's half-brother. [Mental Floss]
• The Associated Students of the University of Arizona are almost one million dollars in debt from putting on a concert featuring Jay-Z and Kelly Clarkson. The students gave away 4,000 tickets assuming they would make up the money they paid the performers from advertising sales, but due to the recession the ad revenue didn't come pouring in. [Perez Hilton]
• Jennifer Garner co-wrote an editorial on the Huffington Post to advocate for early childhood education on behalf of Save the Children. [HuffPo]
• Jennifer Garner credits her sister Melissa with her success. "If I'm totally honest, I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for the fact that I have this bigger-than-life, incredible older sister," says Garner. "She's beautiful, and she was valedictorian, got a 1600 on her SATs and was the head majorette. I was just the middle kid, kind of looking for attention. So that's what drove me, I think, to do things she wasn't doing." [The Independent]
• Now The Daily Mail is attacking Gwyneth Paltrow for suggesting in her GOOP newsletter that people should use natural beauty products, which seems pretty unfair. [Style]
• There are so many X-Men spinoff movies in the work it's hard to keep track. After X-Men Origins: Wolverine's big opening weekend, it has been announced there will be a sequel to that film starring Hugh Jackman, and Ryan Reynold's character Deadpool will get his own film. Fox is also working on a X-Men Origins film about Magneto and another called X-Men: First Class by O.C. creator Josh Schwartz. [E!]
• You can watch the new U2 music video for "Magnificent" here: [Rolling Stone]
• Kylie Minogue will perform in six North American cities this fall, in her first concert tour of the continent. [People]
• MTV Movie Awards host Andy Samburg made a fake "Best Fight" nomination video starring Will Arnett and Bill Hader. Watch it here: [Video Gum]
• Food critic Gael Greene Tweeted the a TV pilot based on her memoir is in production. She said, "Uma Thurman is standing by to play me." [Eater]
• South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone are big Monty Python fans. "I'd love to meet John Cleese - he is a legend. The real struggle is to find the story," says Stone, "We don't set out to offend. We always do - but that's not the starting point." [The Daily Express]
• Katy Perry says that three years ago she and her boyfriend at the time got "fake married" in Las Vegas. She explains, "We took all the pictures with the minister, with the fake cake, in the fake chapel and got a fake marriage certificate. We went and bought a wedding dress and a suit at a thrift store, and scanned the pictures and the certificate to my family members, my manager at the time [and] totally freaked the shit out of them." [People]
• The Barnsley House hotel in the Cotswolds, which celebrities such as Gwyneth Paltrow, Elizabeth Hurley, and Nicole Kidman have stayed in, is for sale as debts have put the company that owns it out of business. [The Guardian]
• Tom Hanks has produced three of the past five films he starred in. He said, "I'm certainly not in it for the business. I mean, it's not like I need the job. I guess, if the truth be told, I didn't want to be at the mercy of the marketplace. I don't want to have to wait for the phone to ring to say, 'You now get to create something.' As an actor I am always waiting for my luck to run out. Now, I'm very lucky that, as yet, that hasn't happened, but I'm very aware that, any time now, the marketplace could say, 'That's it, we're done with you.' If I am producing, I can create something every day and it's a darn sight more fun than woodworking or building a stereo." [The Telegraph]

• "If I were writing a letter to Sarah Palin it would be a lot of whys and hows. Who are you? Do you know? Why do you hate animals? Please point out Iraq on a map… This woman hates women. She is not a feminist. She is not the woman that's going to come behind Hillary Clinton and do anything that Hillary Clinton would've been capable of … I can't imagine overturning Roe vs. Wade. She's not of this time. The woman terrifies me." — Pink. [Perez Hilton]
• Lindsay Lohan on Sarah Palin: "Is our country so divided that the Republicans best hope is a narrow minded, media obsessed homophobe? Oh, and...Hint Hint Pali Pal- Don't pose for anymore tabloid covers, you're not a celebrity, you're running for office to represent our, your, my COUNTRY!" [TMZ]
• Lindsay and Samantha Ronson: Seen in an "intense liplock" for "at least half an hour" at NYC's trendy Beatrice Inn. [Page Six]
• Lindsay punched a paparazzo because she thought he tripped her, but actually, she tripped on a metal barricade. Whoops. [TMZ]
• Jennifer Lopez completed her first-ever triathlon on Sunday in Malibu and raised $127,000 for the Children's Hospital of L.A. in the process. A very quick "recovery" from the "foot injury" she had that prevented her from judging the Project Runway fashion show on Friday. Could it be that she wanted a part in a Harvey Weinstein film, and found out she wasn't getting it, so pulled out? [MSNBC]

• Has being Woody Allen's muse turned Scarlett Johansson into a bitch? [Page Six]
• Liz Taylor went to her favorite gay bar on Thursday night! She was out at The Abbey in West Hollywood. Says a witness: "She was lively. She was laughing and she was smiling." Apparently she "held court" in a back corner, holding a martini while a friend held her Maltese, Daisy. [People]
• Five Leaves, the Brooklyn bar owned in part by Heath Ledger's estate, has opened. The decor is '20s-era industrial steel. Mary-Kate Olsen and Michelle Williams maybe attended the unofficial opening. [Gothamist]
• Frances Bean Cobain's 16th birthday party was a "suicidal 16" bash in which guests were awarded prizes if they dressed the "most dead." Girl, where is your mother? Oh yeah. [E!]
• Producer Swizz Beatz is getting divorced and Alicia Keys could be "the other woman." [Rush & Molloy]
• Carla Bruni's ex, Jean-Paul Enthoven (she left him for his son, with whom she had a kid before marrying President Nicolas Sarkozy) is getting "revenge" with a novel. The main character is a cold, wealthy, shopping-obsessed woman. [Times of London]
• Amy Winehouse didn't show up to her own birthday party. She missed a guitar-shaped birthday cake! [The Sun, Mirror]
• Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have made a $2 million donation to create a health center for AIDS and tuberculosis affected children in Ethiopia. The center will be named after daughter Zahara. [E!]
• Guinness World Records says that Brad and Angelina are the world's Most Powerful Actor and Actress. But we all know Maddox, Pax, Zahara, Shiloh, Knox and Vivienne are actually in control. [UPI]
• Daniel Dae Kim of Lost pleaded no contest to drunk driving charges (from Oct. 25) and paid a $500 fine. [Breitbart]
• The Promises Foundation received an autographed oil painting of Britney Spears from Britney Spears, which they're going to sell on eBay with a starting bid of $10,000. Good luck with that! [UPI]
• See the painting here. She's not wearing a top. [TMZ]
• Is manager Larry Rudolph to thank for Britney's epic turn around? [Daily Mail]
• Brit threw her boys a truck-themed birthday party on Saturday. Jamie Lynn brought daughter Maddie. The kids drove around in toy cars with personalized license plates. There were no DUIs. That we know of. [Yahoo News]
• Naomi Campbell is in love, and after having surgery on her ladyparts, thinks she would like to have a baby. [Daily Mail]
• George Takei and Brad Altman were married Sunday in a multicultural ceremony at the Japanese American National Museum that featured a Buddhist priest, Native American wedding bands, a Japanese Koto harp and a bagpipe procession. [Yahoo News]
• "I did not set out to make a controversial film or a social commentary. If Dakota Fanning is so shamed for telling that story, what message does that give victims? I did not set out to make a statement, but in the 12-year process of trying to get this film made I have been unable to avoid facing the politics of being a woman filmmaker and telling women stories…" — Deborah Kampmeier, director of Hounddog, the film often called the "Dakota Fanning rape movie." [NY Times]
• Maryline Blackburn, who won the 1984 Miss Alaska pageant — when Sarah Palin came in second — is now a singer living in Atlanta. Blackburn, who is African-American, says, "Sarah was kinda in my top five. You're kind of looking at all the girls and when I first saw her I thought, 'Oh my goodness, she's absolutely beautiful.' She's a gorgeous woman." But! On November 4? "It's all about Obama, Obama," Blackburn says. [WSBTV]
• Jennifer Hudson: Engaged to boyfriend David Otunga. [People]
• Peaches Geldof and husband Max Drummey now have matching tattoos. [Mirror]
• Spike Lee is ending his feud with Clint Eastwood and maybe starting one with Judd Apapoe [sic]. [Deadline Hollywood]
• Kylie Minogue will perform on the artificial Palm Island in Dubai at the opening ceremony of a 5-star hotel… Ending speculation that Madonna was gonna do the gig. [Mirror]
• John Mayer did a striptease for Heidi Klum. Yeah. [Rush & Molloy]
• Check out Beyoncé playing a hot cop in her new video. [Concrete Loop]
• Damon Dash indeed has sole custody of his son, Damon Jr. His ex girlfriend enrolled the 16-year-old in school in Long Island when he went to visit her, but a judge was like: No. [UPI]
• The only Sienna Miller fansite online might be shutting down! Says the webmistress: "I cannot get past the fact that to me she has completely changed from the Sienna I became a fan of back in 2004." [ONTD]
• This picture shows Sienna walking while Balthazar Getty drives alongside her, in an effort not to be photographed together. [The Sun]
• Contrary to earlier reports, Holly Madison did not dump Hef for Criss Angel! [E!]
• While accepting her award at the Creative Arts Emmys for the video "I'm Fucking Matt Damon," Sarah Silverman said: "Thanks to the person for whom this whole video was made: Jimmy Kimmel, who broke my heart – ohh, who'll always have a place in my heart." [People]
• Matt Damon and Wyclef Jean distributed rice, beans and oil to residents of Haiti, where hundreds of people are homeless and hungry after four devastating hurricanes have hit since mid-August. [Yahoo News]
• Shannen Doherty has shot four episodes of the new 90210, which is all she signed up for. Will she do more? Does the CW want her to? [Yahoo News]
• Shenae Grimes has been "tormenting everyone on set" of the new 90210. [Page Six]
• Mark Ronson and Daisy Lowe: Splitsville. [Mirror]
• A bunch of teachers spill about what stars Amy Winehouse, Jude Law, Simon Cowell and Lily Allen were like as kids. Guess who was an arrogant, "polished character" and popular with the girls? [Guardian]
• Short on cash, Pete Doherty paid for a taxi with paintings he'd done. [The Sun]
• Queen Latifah was going to call her new album The L Word "just for fun" to mess with people who think she is gay. (But, um, isn't she?) [Daily Express]
• Cyndi Lauper to mentor contestants on Australian Idol! [News.com.au]
• Sir Paul McCartney will be guarded by armed secret agents during his gig in Israel — he's apparently the "enemy of Muslims." [The Sun]
• Richard Gere and Debra Winger: Acting together again for the first time since An Officer and a Gentleman? [Fox 411]
• David Beckham: Booed, after his soccer football team lost. [Independent]
• Steve Irwin's 4-year-old son wants his own TV show. [Independent]
• "There is such a great lesson to learn in having your children in the kitchen with you. Children can smell the smells and watch all that goes into the preparation of the food. It’s a five-sense experience for them." — Rachael Ray. [NY Times]
• "I feel there must be an enormous amount of really talented songwriters out there who can't sing. So, please, send me your songs." — Roger Daltrey of The Who. [Daily Express]

• Shia LaBeouf: Arrested on suspicion of drunk driving Sunday. He was trying to make a left turn at a West Hollywood intersection at 3 am when his pickup truck smashed into another vehicle and rolled over. Shia was taken to Cedars-Sinai for injuries to his left hand and a knee, as well as a minor head injury. Don't drink and drive, people. [AP]
• Shia was booked at the hospital. He's recovering from "extensive hand surgery" and will return to the set of Transformers 2 in about a month. [Yahoo News]
• This picture of Shia's truck shows a "mangled mess." [TMZ]
• Mary-Kate Olsen has confirmed that she was Heath Ledger's "secret lover" when he died in January. If you believe Grazia magazine. She says: "I'm just completely shattered about Heath. I loved him so much. We had this amazing connection and now he's gone. I just can't get over him." Plus! She's convinced that Heath's family, friends and fans hate her... She may be right. [ONTD]

• "In all this glorious (and quite deserved) rediscussion of Heath Ledger’s passing now that The Dark Knight is out, no one seems to be mentioning what the ef killed the Aussie star, i.e., drugs… Way too many of them. I mean, when Di got smashed up a decade ago in Paris, the world was out to kill the press corps, blaming our kind for destroying the princess, when in fact, it was a drunken driver who killed the poor gal. And now, nothing at all’s being blamed. It’s just being labeled “tragic” and “too soon” that Heath passed. Look, idiots, it’s called drugging yourself to death. Wake up. I exclaim this entirely respectfully, too, mind you—no one misses his über talents more than I. Superdamn shame." — Ted Casablanca. [E!]
• Was Lindsay Lohan hit by a motorcycle in New York Friday night? Did she go to the hospital? Her dad says: "She's not hurt." [UPI]
• Some reports claim that Lindsay Lohan was "flattened" by a motorcycle late Friday night. Her spokesperson says "Nothing happened." [Yahoo News]
• Bono will be the godfather of the Jolie-Pitt twins! [ONTD]
• Angelina and Brad plan on having more biological kids. A source says, "A dozen kids would be their dream." And my nightmare! [MSNBC]
• Halle Berry is pissed at the paparazzi. A photographer trespassed on private property to get a shot of Halle and her infant daughter Nahla. Halle says: "I have long since come to terms with the fact that choosing a career as an actress has made me a public figure, but my baby has made no such choice, and unless and until she does, I will do everything I can…to keep her out of the public eye." She wants everyone to know that the pix were taken illegally. (They were published by In Touch and Life & Style.) [AP]
• Lord Of The Rings star Sean Bean was arrested over the weekend over allegations he assaulted his fourth wife. Boromir would never do such a thing! [Perez Hilton]
• Guy Ritchie speaks! "My marriage is fine as far as I'm aware of," he says. Ha! Poor thing. [Yahoo News]
• But wait! Madonna and Guy plan to renew their vows, at a special Shabbat party in August. Shabbat Nachamu, M and Guy will make speeches in front of the rabbis, letting everyone know they still love each other. [The Sun]
• Madge will unveil her new documentary, I Am Because We Are, at a film festival in Traverse City, Michigan. [UPI]
• Dita Von Teese has a not-so-secret admirer: David Beckham. Dita is friends with David's wife Victoria but David thinks Dita is "very talented." And sent her a text recently. [Daily Mail]
• Jimmy Choo founder Tamara Mellon is moving in with her boyfriend Christian Slater. Good luck, kids! [Daily Mail]
• Ryan Seacrest, Heidi Klum, Tom Bergeron, Howie Mandel and Jeff Probst will host the Emmy Awards on September 21. Heidi could probably do a great job all by herself, no? [People]
• Christian Bale's former assistant, Harrison Cheung, sheds light on Bale's personality. He says: "From the moment [Christian] got the part in Empire Of The Sun, everything changed. Christian became the family’s main breadwinner.We would talk about his parents’ unhappy marriage and how his was the ultimate dysfunctional family. He found it hard to trust people because he’d been so hurt as a child. We would talk about his parents’ unhappy marriage and how his was the ultimate dysfunctional family. Christian [was] deeply insecure about who he could trust." [Daily Mail]
• Amy Winehouse punched a wall yesterday and burst into tears. There's a picture of her bloody fist with a broken thumbnail. Her dad says, "She's fine." [The Sun]
• Blake Incarcerated is "begging" Amy to leave London before something terrible happens. Dude, problems follow you, dontchaknow? [Mirror]
• Rachael Ray has launched a charity-driven line of dog foods based on recipes she has created for her pit bull, Isaboo. Sorta cute, sorta nauseating. [AP]
• Rosie O'Donnell is potentially getting a show on NBC. It could be live, with skits and all kinds of acts from comedy to drama to music. Would you watch? [Fox News]
• Even though Britney and Kevin's child-custody settlement has been finalized, it could change down the line. This story explains: "As the boys grow older, and Spears and Federline's lives evolve, so too might their custody arrangements." Brit has improved. A lot. [AP]
• K-Fed gets $20,000 a month in child support. That's 10 grand per kid, though surely you could take care of 20 kids for that kind of dough. [Yahoo News]
• Will Eva Longoria — sorry, Eva Parker — open a new location of her L.A. restaurant, Beso, in Las Vegas? [E!]
• Keira Knightley has refused to let her publicity stills for The Duchess be Photoshopped. Apparently she's sick of studios giving her drawn-on boobs. [Daily Mail]
• Miley Cyrus made fun of teen queens Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato in a YouTube video, but she's sorta sorry. "We were, like, just having fun," she says. [MSNBC]
• Charlie Sheen wants to get full custody of his daughter after his ex-wife Denise Richards accused him of molesting them. Ugh, when will this crap be over? [The Sun]
• Sam Ronson is pissed that Page Six claimed she won't play Ali Lohan's single when she DJs. Sam says "Where do they come up with this shit? I wouldn't be responding to this one — but I'm afraid that people might actually believe that and that's not fair to Ali. She's 14 years old — high school is bad enough — do tabloids really need to torture teenagers as well?" [Perez Hilton]
• Susie Feldman, wife of Corey, is in Playboy. The mag asks the oh-so important question: Have you ever had a threesome with the two Coreys? Susie sez: "No — absolutely not. Would never even consider it. I'm sure there are girls out there who might've had that fantasy at one point in their life. I don't find Corey Haim attractive; he's not really my type." [Playboy]
• People don't make money off of YouTube, but Avril Lavigne's manager thinks the site owes her about $2 million. Which she would not get anytime soon. [Silicon Alley Insider]
• A clip of Paris Hilton, acting and singing in that movie musical Repo! The Genetic Opera. If you care. [Perez Hilton]
• Paris tells People: "I think my whole life I was kind of living as a teenager and not really taking responsibility." You don't say! "Now I realize that I'm an adult and I'm running a huge company and I'm in love. I'm in a great relationship. I have my family. I'm just excited for life." [People]
• Sienna Miller loves a house in London — too bad it's five doors down from Jude Law's place. Not worth it! [Mirror]
• This report says that Sienna has "fled" to New York to escape the Balthazar backlash. Her dad lives here. [Daily Mail]
• Balthazar Getty: Begging wife's forgiveness after being pictured frolicking on a yacht with topless Sienna Miller? Word is he wants a second chance with the wife. [Mirror]
• Balthazar's been sending wife Rosetta e-mails that read, "I love you." [TMZ]
• George Clooney's ex Sarah Larson says "I'm staying single." Yawn. [People]
• None of the living Golden Girls went to Estelle Getty's funeral. They each had really good excuses, though. Except Betty White. [Perez Hilton]
• In this cast photo from the Broadway play All My Sons, Katie Holmes looks just like Katie Holmes. [ONTD]
• Priscilla Presley's 21 year old son — half-brother of Lisa Marie — is a "hippie" and a "pot dealer" who lives in a run down house in California growing marijuana under lights in the basement. Possibly because he's escaping Scientology, in which case, it makes sense. [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]
• Apparently when there was a fatwa out on Salman Rushdie, he expected the cops protecting him to pay for their rooms in the safe house. WTF. [Times Of India]
• OMG Andrew Ridgeley might join George Michael on stage at the end of GM's tour next month. Wham! fan here. I am never going to dance again. Guilty feet have got no rhythm. [The Sun]
• Do you want Johnny Depp's sausage in your mouth? [BoingBoing]
• Connie Francis is in the hospital with dangerously high blood pressure. Be well! [UPI]
• What the world needs now: A Jackson 5 museum. [Mirror]

• Minnie Driver confirmed that she is expecting her first bebe on the Tonight Show. Unlike Avril Lavigne's pregnancy, this one is not the brainchild of Ashton Kutcher but an actual fetus. Who's the daddy? [People]
  
• Britney on How I Met Your Mother: "Everyone, including the cast, the crew and the producers, has been wonderful and Abby is such a fun girl to play. I'm having a blast!" [People]
  
• Did Britney have her Hebrew neck tattoo lasered off??? [TMZ]
  
• "I would love, love, love to give Britney Spears a makeover. I think that she is so cute and sweet and has a great style. But it's all fallen apart and it's a mess now. I would love to bring her back to where she used to be." — Kim Kardashian. [People]

• Snoop Dogg will appear on ABC soap opera One Life To Live on May 8 and May 9. "I've been a fan of One Life to Live since I was a baby," says the Dee Oh Double Gee. "My momma always had it on the tube in the crib growing up." [Nicole Kidman's bodyguard attacked a paparazzo who was stalking her as she and her trainer were hiking. The photog claims to be injured, but who knows? [ONTD]
• Superbad star Jonah Hill is psyched to host Saturday Night Live this weekend. "It's my life's dream, and it's come true, so that's pretty sweet." [ET]
• Uh, there are pictures of Patrick Swayze with a cigarette in his mouth, though he continues to undergo chemotherapy for pancreatic cancer. [The Sun]
• Amy Winehouse canceled a gig for record execs from her label because she was "sick" but actually, she'd fought with hubby Blake Incarcerated over the phone and was too upset to sing. These tears dry on their own! [The Sun]
• Chris Rock had a one night stand in 1998; the woman tried to sue him three years later and call it rape; for some reason details of a phone call he had with a private eye regarding the situation are in the paper today. [Page Six]
• Michael Jackson has saved Neverland Ranch from foreclosure with a confidential refinancing deal. The ferris wheel is still rusty, though. [Page Six]
• What's up with Ed Norton and the final cut of The Hulk, which he wrote and stars in but is threatening not to promote? [Page Six]
• Despite yesterday's report that Rachel Ray's syndicated show may get canceled, this reports says she ain't going anywhere. Sigh. [Rush & Molloy]
• Weird blind item! "Which rehabbed screen siren flipped out when her sobriety caretaker tried to shoo stray cats away from the facility and into the woods? The bombshell tried to have him fired, but was told to calm down and focus on herself." [Rush & Molloy]
• Jackass star Steve-O was hospitalized yesterday and charged with felony possession of cocaine. Well, we knew he liked to snort stuff. [TMZ]
• Oh, yeah, video of Steve-O with a big coke booger. Warning: You will never get back the 5 minutes of your life you spend watching him talk crazy, so choose wisely. [Perez Hilton]
• Lily Allen leaving a club with blood in her nostril? Eh, don't really see it. [Daily Mail]
• The court in India has suspended an arrest warrant against Richard Gere for breaking obscenity laws by kissing actress Shilpa Shetty at an event last year. He is now allowed to visit the country — and leave — without getting arrested. Namaste! [Yahoo News]
• The April issue of Interview magazine features Michelle Williams, Naomi Watts, Ellen DeGeneres and several of Heath Ledger's other industry friends sharing memories about him. "He had uncontrollable energy. He buzzed ... His mind was turning, turning, turning - always turning." — Michelle Williams. [People]

• Spencer Pratt is getting an advice column in Radar. "Yo Spencer!" will debut in the April issue; the idea is so dumb it's genius. [USA Today]
  
• The Beckhams went shopping at the Pleasure Chest adult store in Hollywood and stocked up on supplies. "They seemed to know exactly what they wanted," a witness says. What do you think was on their list? Vibes? Lube? The purple penetrator? [The Sun]
  
• Watch Britney's new anime video! [People]
  
• "It pains me to report that on the first day of the shoot, Britney knew her lines better than I knew mine," How I Met Your Mother actor Josh Radnor says. "She's been great to work with." [People]
  
• The CW network is developing a contemporary spinoff of Beverly Hills, 90210. Maybe think of it as a mashup of The OC and Gossip Girl. [The Hollywood Reporter]

• Nicky Hilton says: "There's no truth to any starvation, eating disorders rumors. I think the press has been printing a lot of pictures of me from unflattering angles. My friends see the pictures and they're like, 'Oh my god are you OK?' And then they see me, and they're like 'Oh...' It's really not that interesting or true." [MSNBC]
• Amy Winehouse's father says the fact that he had an mistress when Amy was young is partly to blame for her troubled life — he had a "work wife" while he was still married to Amy's mom. Sigh. [The Sun]
• Is Rachael Ray's syndicated show going off the air? The ratings suck. She'd still have her Food Network shows, though. Unfortch. [Page Six]
• Anne Hathaway: Into absinthe. [Page Six]
• Top Chef host Padma Lakshmi and actor Skeet Ulrich? Hot. [Page Six]
• Three blind items! 1. "Which friendly actor recently fell off the wagon? Though he's been in rehab several times, he was spotted stumbling out of a Hollywood hotel at 7 a.m. looking totally 'wasted.'" 2. "Which young soap starlet made networks execs extremely nervous when she was starting out? She was known for fooling around with her much older producers." 3. "Which Hollywood hunk cheats on his gorgeous model girlfriend all the time? They've been together for a while but he's clearly not ready to settle down." [Page Six]
• Is Paul Newman OK? He's having back problems. Be well! [Rush & Molloy]
• Melissa Joan Hart popped! The actress and her hubs welcomed their second child, a son, on Wednesday. Welcome to the world, Braydon Hart Wilkerson. [People]
• The final Harry Potter book will become two movies; the first is due in November 2010 and the second in May of 2011. [ET]
• Paul McCartney is appearing in ads for PETA — the organization that dumped his estranged wife Heather Mills last year. [Mirror]
• Speaking of Sir Paul — the judge should be ruling on his divorce — and deciding how much cash Heather will get — on Monday. [Yahoo News]
• China's Culture Ministry says it will tighten controls over foreign artists after Björk shouted "Tibet! Tibet!" at a recent concert in Shanghai. China forbids artists from performing content that "harms national unity." [Reuters]
• Patrick Swayze's mom on her son's cancer: "He just doesn't deserve it. He's got such a big heart. He's been such a good and generous and thoughtful person. It breaks my heart to know he's suffering." [Perez Hilton]

• Nicole Kidman's pregnancy has made her "voluptuous" and she is so happy. "I can't ask for anything more except big boobs. I've wanted Marilyn Monroe curves all my life." [Rush & Molloy]
  
• More on Angelina Jolie's op-ed piece for The Washington Post: She urges the US to help Iraqi refugees displace by the war. "What we cannot afford, in my view, is to squander the progress that has been made. In fact, we should step up our financial and material assistance." [People, WaPo]
  
• HX magazine asked: "If a 'Janet' drag queen had to battle a 'Madonna' drag queen, what advice would you give the 'Janet' queen? Janet Jackson replied: "Kick the bitch's ass!" [Perez Hilton]
  
• This was in Midweek Madness, but Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are back together. "Inside Kate & Owen's Hookup" is kind of a gross title for a gossip item. Depending on what your definition of "hookup" is. But like, vadge cam? Is that what we're talking about? [People]
  
• Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem: "It's getting pretty serious." [Page Six]

• In case you missed it in Midweek Madness, Nicole Richie has been offered the role of Roxie Hart in Chicago on Broadway. Give 'em the old razzle-dazzle! [Us]
• Amy Winehouse's husband, Blake Incarcerated, was in court in London this morning. He pleaded not guilty to the charge of conspiring to "pervert" the course of justice. [People]
• Guess who was not in court? Amy! She stayed home and "Good Blake," the sober one, came over. [Daily Mail]
• Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Patrick Dempsey and Kathy Bates are all named in a list of the "10 Worst Nude Films Scenes" of all time. [Page Six]
• Bruce Willis: Shouting lines from There Will Be Blood in an NYC restaurant, for the fun of it. [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which music manager with debts around town might want to pay up before his creditors go to the gossip columns with all the details of his secret S&M lifestyle?" [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! This is translated from Ted Casablanca: Which closeted TV star finally decided to have gay sex for the first time — and unknowingly ended up shagging a journalist, who's not being quiet about it? [E!]
• The United Negro College Fund will honor Denzel Washington for helping historically black colleges and universities and for assisting minorities in paying for education. Congrats! [USA Today]
• Funnyman Will Arnett is addicted to Xbox game "Call of Duty — he plays 15 hours a week and admits, "It's really embarrassing." Poor Amy Poehler. [Rush & Molloy]
• Rachael Ray shed real tears while taping her show after meeting a pit bull rescued from Michael Vick's dogfighting pits. [Rush & Molloy]
• Ellen cried on her show as she discussed the murder of Lawrence King, a 15-year-old who asked a male student to be his Valentine and then was shot by that student. [TMZ]
• Britney visited with her kids again yesterday. [TMZ]
• The visit was full of hugs and affection. Yeah, not really newsy. But there it is. [People]
• Oh, and Britney is working on a dance routine for a new video — "Hot As Ice" should be the next track! [E!]
• The driver who was racing Nick Hogan the night of the crash that left Hogan's friend in a coma has been sentenced to 90 days probation, 25 hours of community service and a $500 fine. [TMZ]
• Lindsay Lohan, in that horribly styled & shot story for Paper magazine: "Now I know what it's like to be an out-of-work actor, and how much it scares me." [People]
• Julianne Moore on three episodes of Desperate Housewives? Hmm. Downgrade. [ONTD]
• Pete Doherty was named Hero Of The Year at the NME awards? Is there a new definition of the word "hero"? [The Sun]
• MTV is not planning on playing Paula Abdul's new video — it hasn't even been submitted for consideration. It's that bad. [MSNBC]
• John Ritter's widow testified yesterday in the wrongful death suit she brought against his doctors. [USA Today]
• Will former Destiny's Child singer Kelly Rowland pose for Playboy? She does have new boobs. So. [Miami Herald]
• There was a tech glitch at the Technology, Entertainment and Design conference in Monterey, CA and Robin Williams saved the day by filling the dead air with jokes, hooray! [Wired]
• Check out this painting done by the younger of Tilda Swinton's two lovers. Not bad! [Village Voice]
• Justin Chambers, lying around without a shirt on. Good morning! [A Socialite's Life]

Here's a lady who will give up on finding real love for the sake of power, who will take money from whatever crook is doling it out, whose laughter is somehow Machiavellian, and who, oh Jesus Christ, might be our only hope for dealing with the Islamofascist lead-poisoning homicide bombing Holocaust-denying child labor-exploiting democratically-elected leader poisoning fucktards and preserving our motherfucking way of life while not being a complete disaster. (Wait a sec: is that how we got in this shit to begin with? I'm so confused.) But anyway: Rachel Ray is kind of mainly appealing because of her voice, right?

Festival of Vadge [Newsweek]

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, the Wednesday refresher course in all the week's most important news we provide you free of charge so you don't fail the exam. In which we (and our trusty TA who does all the work) Intern Maria "read" the Wednesday celebrity tabs. So you don't "have" to.

Us Weekly

• Cover story: How Hilary Did It! (pages 48-51) More summer dieting tips from the stars! It's funny how many different ways magazine editors can reprint and repackage the simple idea of "eat less calories and exercise more." So anyway, Hilary Duff was fat? She also decides to take the high road when asked about Joel Madden's future baby with professional trainwreck Nicole Richie, saying he'll be a "great dad" (page 51). Aw!
• Precociously trainwrecky jailbird Jason Wahler will be making a few bloated appearances on The Hills this season. Oh we cannot wait!
• Victoria Beckham claims that she "can get a muffin" (page 14). Right, but what to do with it?
• Pamela Anderson looks back at her life in bikinis (pages 56-59) including two marriages in swimsuits! Pamela says that her marriage with Kid Rock seems "like it never even happened" (page 57). It's probably better that way.
• Some NASCAR guy and his wife spawned (pages 66-67).

Star

• Cover story: Nicole's Baby in Danger! (pages 48-51) Nicole Richie might have problems with her unborn baby's health because her body is pumped full of booze and muscle relaxants. Oh no! The mag quotes Nicole on Letterman as saying "I'm scared" with regards to mommydom rather than the actual context, her possible jail time. Is it Romenesko-y of us to catch them on that? Also: Joel Madden goes to seedy Thai "massage" parlors in Studio City (he likes his ladies a little bit syphilised these days!!) then redeems himself for all of that — plus breaking Hilary Duff's heart plus any unprosecuted murders he may have committed — by telling Spencer Pratt he's going to kick his ass (page 51). Swoon.
• What's this! A missing page! Ah, the Lohan Lesbo Love story Moe is in heat over right now.
• The mag cautions Drew Barrymore on her new love with vomitous Zach Braff (he'll "hit on anything with two legs," you know). Also: Did you know he cheated on Mandy Moore? Page 18! Oh please do not spoil our illusions about Zach Braff, media!
• Rachel Ray is having problems with her "lawyer/rock musician" husband whose "dark side" manifests itself in a habit of paying women to spit and rub their feet on him.
• Best and Worst Plastic Surgery! (pages 54-65): An eleven-page spread on all the boob jobs, nose jobs, and "man surgery" (not what you think!) that the stars get! Salma Hayek and Angelina Jolie win for "best nose job," Gwen Stefani's padded bra gets her added to alleged boob jobbers, and Donatella Versace tries to disguise her cocaine-abused nose with some horrible, horrible surgery. Also, 'Worst surgeries': Not for the delicate of stomach!

In Touch

• Cover story: Janet's Shocking Weight Gain! (pages 36-39) Janet's up-and-down weight is on an "up" at the moment. Apparently her fiancée Jermaine Dupri doesn't mind her with "some meat on her bones" and "doesn't stop her from eating" (page 39). Yeah, what an asshole.
  
• Page 14 sports a spread on old child stars all growed up and surprise! Most of them look gross and coked out (pages 14-15).
• EXCLUSIVE! Jessica Biel opens up to the weekly about her life with Justin. We kept searching for "as she told Marie Claire" or "in an upcoming interview in Vogue" or just some hint that she didn't actually have direct contact with anyone at In Touch, but ah no such evidence materialized. What a classy lady! (pages 40-41)
  
• A real estate investor and alkie named John Sundahl got the National Enquirer to pay him some money for claiming that he slept with Britney Spears and all her friends can say is "well, it sounds like something she would do.." (page 54)

Life & Style

• Cover story: Depressed Angie Refuses to Eat! (Pages 26-29.) Angelina probably isn't anorexic, she is just too depressed by her terrible life to eat. She might also be "too thin" to have another Brad baby, though every time she refreshes TMZ to check up on Nicole Richie she feels a distant glimmer of that thing they call "hope."
  
• Scrambling for a sidebar, Life & Style claims that Britney has some "chemistry" with her bodyguard who even "accompanied" her to an event (page 31). You think he maybe he "accompanies" her places because he's her hired muscle?
  
• Nicole Richie had some spotting and thought she was going to lose her baby but it was just a false alarm (page 37). We bet it's the first time in a few years she had blood on her panties! Which kinda makes you wonder: When you're a pillhead who probably spends more time puking than menstruating, how do you know if you're pregnant at all? Did the Angel Gabriel have to come down and break the news? It's just, er, fishy.
• Life & Style runs some more "candid" shots of their besties Spencer and Heidi Montag frolicking on the beach (page 20) for what has to be the forty-ninth straight week. But! L&S is the only weekly not to print anything about Joel Madden's blow-up at Spencer, probably because, you know, their journalistic standards demand they find at least four corroborating eyewitnesses to run with that sort of thing. HAH.

• Star's juiciest filler feature is about Rachael Ray's crusade against studio audience members who dress tackily. On-set, she bans prints, velour pantsuits, sweats, T-shirts, sequins, capri pants, ripped jeans, and tank tops. This is the best kind of filler: While clearly based on a single horrified email sent by a sequined, denim capri-pant-wearing reader from Tuscaloosa, the weirdness of the story makes it seem juicy. Grade: B+
• In a more prototypical filler feature, Star runs a four-page guide to picking up celebs which "stars" Steve-O and Lost actress (wait, someone gave this ho an actual job? On an actual network television show?) Bai Ling divulging the top 5 pickup lines that worked on/for them, respectively. Bai: "Are you gay?" Steve-O: "Can I tempt you with this joint?" Grade: C
• InTouch gets the prize for most dubious filler content for the two pages it runs this week suggesting the contestants of this season's American Idol are actually hybrids of two previously-established celebrities, with Sanjaya being the cross of drunk churchgoer Paula Abdul and Harold & Kumar Kumar Kal Penn. Grade: D
• US fills two spreads, starting on page 66, by resurrecting celeb yearbook photos you've seen on 1,000 reruns of E! True Hollywood Story and using them to pose the question "Would They Have Dated In High School?" to Mo Rocca. This type of filler is a favorite of writers, obviously, because they get to e-mail Mo Rocca, and we enjoy being reminded that some celebrities are older than 23, and some even existed in the era of overteased-hair. Grade: C
• Life & Style, a magazine not long ago almost wholly comprised of filler, runs a story (page 72) on celebrities and hypnotherapy, detailing how Fergie, Martha Stewart, Drew Barrymore and Debra Messing all used hypnotherapy to conquer addictions and fears (Debra was afraid of being underwater!) Another page is devoted to fun facts like about how the average woman spends 385 hours a year shopping, which we think sounds low, since we spend at least that much time per year standing in checkout lines trying not to buy these fucking magazines. Grade: D.
• Finally, US devotes an entire page (70, for those of you following along!) to asking Ashlee Simpson how she manages to stay thin (Ashlee says if she wants bread, she doesn't eat a whole loaf... just a few slices!). We also learn that Ashlee wants to collaborate with The Cure. Grade: A+

Rachel Ray Enforces Strict Dress Code [StarPulse]