I did the quiz again and chose B), and that got me labeled "Blindly Ambitious," which, in Cosmo world, is a no no. Because showing your ambition makes you seem like an undainty "bulldozer," and nobody likes that in a lady. Just for the good of womanity, I took the quiz a third time, and chose C) and other answers that were similarly manipulative. Like for the question, what do you do when you hear that your crush is dating another girl, you're supposed to "Snoop around to find out how serious they are. If it's just a casual thing, you can still make a play for him." When I choose those sorts of passive aggressive responses, Cosmo was delighted, and called me a "savvy goal-getter" who could manage to be simultaneously "likely to succeed…and likable." Sigh. The takeaway: stabbing your coworkers and friends in the back with your fuck-me heels is a-ok by Cosmo standards as long as you have a shit-eating grin on your perfectly glossed lips.

Are You Destined For Success? [Cosmopolitan]

The results are broken down into four groups. Here's how the Mirror lists them:

CHEAT IN WAITING
You may think it's all just harmless flirting but because you rely on sexual attention to feel good it only takes a rough patch to send you into the arms of another. Wake up to your cheating potential now, and accept that true self-esteem always comes from within.

DITHERER
You grew up desperate for security, so you won't risk losing your relationship. But you wonder if you should have someone else waiting in the wings. When men pay you attention, you're scared of rejecting them so you're liable to give out mixed sexual signals, then panic when they expect more from you. Face up to the games you're playing - and put your trust back into your real relationship.

QUEEN OF DENIAL
You're unhappy in your relationship yet you won't even look at another man in case you're tempted to stray. Being this closed down suggests that your self-confidence has taken a real battering and you're prepared to put up and shut up rather than leave. And if that sounds way too risky consider pursuing a friendship with the other man - that alone may show you that there's an alternative out there.

FAITHFUL.. NEARLY
Everyone has the potential to start an affair, but you're nowhere near it at the moment. You're happy in your relationship and sexually confident enough to enjoy a harmless spot of flirtation with other men occasionally. When problems do arise you talk about them, and you would never expect a man to be the answer to everything.

Our results:
Anna : Faithful...Nearly
Dodai: The Ditherer
Moe: Faithful...Nearly (For the most part. She admits to being all over the map.)
Tracie: 50/50 split between Faithful...Nearly and Cheat in Waiting
Jennifer: Faithful...Nearly

Obviously, such a quiz shouldn't be taken to heart, since answering eight questions about yourself with answers that don't even necessarily reflect how you feel could never truly be that enlightening. But you know, we never met a silly British quiz we didn't take.

How Likely Are You To Cheat? [Mirror]

It's easy to forget that celebrities are people too! And so we turn our loving gaze towards Rachel Bilson, who we can never actually recognize, but we know she's the one from that show that isn't Mischa Barton, who we can recognize. As Rachel limps slowly but determindly back into the dating scene, we present our quiz: What Kind of First Date Are You? Find out, Rachel dear, after the jump.

It's your first date, where would you go?

1. Somewhere expensive, intimate and romantic, where the lighting is low enough to conceal your desperation.
   
2. To the nearest puppy farm, to cuddle some puppies.
   
3. To the nearest puppy farm, to shoot some puppies.
   
4. The nearest 8-Ball motel with rooms for rent by the hour.

What would you wear?

1. Jeans and a teeshirt. Why make an effort when all men are pigs anyway?
   
2. Little black dress, long gloves and a tiara because you think you're fucking Audrey Hepburn you deluded fat fool.
   
3. That coat you made for your project runway audition out of dead lepers' skin and infused with your menstrual blood.
   
4. Your vagina, and a dab of perfume.

You go out for dinner, and order drinks first. What's your tipple?

1. Something pink and creamy because you're a girly girl and you are entirely hairless below the neck.
   
2. Champagne. If you're going to have to sleep with this jerk, you're gonna get your money's worth. Oh yes.
   
3. Water or a soft drink. Because you are a crashing bore.
   
4. Nothing too over the top - just a couple of bottles of vodka.

The bill comes. What do you do?

1. Run.
   
2. Offer to pay because you refuse to bow before the patriarchal norms of society, which is why you never get a second date, and also you don't shave your armpits, you lesbian.
   
3. Lean over seductively and whisper in his ear that cheapskates don't get their cocks sucked.
   
4. You don't notice, you passed out under the table an hour ago.

He walks you to your apartment and suggests coming up for coffee. You:

1. Can't hear him over the noise of slamming the door in his face
   
2. Vomit apologetically on his shoes.
   
3. Bring him up and make him coffee and then say goodbye and thank him for such a lovely night, you boring pathetic goody-twoshoes, no wonder no-one loves you and you will die alone.
   
4. Bring him up, drink another couple of bottles of vodka, smoke some weed, have enthusiastic but inept ultimately unsatisfying drunk sex, repeat for six months until you're both deluded enough to get married, have a couple of kids, wake up one day wondering how you ended up saddled with such a dickhead, divorce him and slide into a banal, lonely alcohol-infused middle age.

Mostly 1s, 2s, 3s or 4s: Kill yourself, loser.