• Cyndi Lauper and Lady Gaga's M.A.C. Viva Glam ad is out. Gaga looks...surprisingly normal. [FWD]

• Helena Christensen protested in Copenhagen this weekend. In quieter times, she reads the dictionary to expand her English vocabulary. And she's one of those people about text messages: "I get obsessed with spelling. I make every text message I send correct in punctuation," explains the Danish supermodel. "I am super-fastidious about certain things." [Daily Express]
• Phil Knight is standing by Tiger Woods. The scandal-plagued golfer's endorsement deal with Nike is worth a reported $30 million annually; Knight admitted doing a background check on Woods before signing him. "He came out clean," the company founder said. [Reuters]
• It has been confirmed that André Leon Talley is a new judge for the whole next cycle of America's Next Top Model. Kimora Lee Simmons is only a guest judge. It's puzzling that Vogue would want to touch anything in Tyra Banks' smizing empire with a bargepole, but it'll be great to see André's judicial robes on nighttime television. (Also: I would leave New Zealand only for Tyra et al. to set off there. They are shooting the CoverGirl challenge today in Half Moon Bay, apparently.) [TVNZ]
• Christian Lacroix has designed new uniforms for 20,000 French railway employees. They are grey and purple. Few more of these gigs and he'll have his couture business back in no time. [WWD]
• "I've struggled with it! I've struggled with that. I've struggled with that," says Tom Ford, on the luxury culture of insatiable accretion, and charging $75 for socks."Just because one is spiritual doesn't mean one doesn't like crocodile, cashmere. We live in a material world." [TDB]
• To produce its fashion show, Victoria's Secret allegedly filled half a city block with noisy generators that ran 24 hours a day for over a week. This disturbed the sleep of nearby residents, including those at a home for people with HIV. Michael Musto's anonymous source claims that the company, which coincidentally finally broadcast its show on World AIDS Day, had to offer the residents a cash settlement. [Village Voice]
• Serena Williams returns to the Home Shopping Network to sell her line of clothing today. Last time the tennis star did the HSN rounds, her goods sold out in under three hours. How? "Everything in the collection is under $100," Williams explains. "And everything you get from me [is] great quality. I think for those prices and [this] quality, it is a no-brainer." Do you hear that? A no-brainer. It's not buying her clothes that really defies explanation. [People]
• The family that owns Salvatore Ferragamo bought a decrepit estate with a vineyard in Tuscany in 1993. The restoration process now complete, Ferragamo is now introducing four wines into the U.S. market, ranging in price from $15-$80 per bottle. They do not carry the family name trademark, because that would be so vulgar. [BW]
• Project Runway alumnus Rami Kashou has been dressing Queen Rania of Jordan. His spring collection is partly inspired by Frank Gehry. [LATimes]
• Knitwear designer Carmen Colle's lawsuit against Chanel has been thrown out by a Paris court. Colle's company, World Tricot, which designs new knitting and crochet patterns for various designer clients to incorporate into their runway looks, sued Chanel in 2004 when she spied a Chanel coat made from what she alleged was a World Tricot crochet pattern that Chanel had rejected, and never paid for. But it wasn't all bad news for Colle. World Tricot also sued for breach of contract, after Chanel abruptly stopped patronizing the house. Chanel countersued for besmirching its good name by bringing the suit at all. The court found World Tricot was owed €400,000 for the breach of contract, and it also found that Chanel was owed €200,000 for "commercial prejudice." World Tricot may appeal the forgery ruling. [WSJ]
• Jason Wu was asked if he was for or against brunch. "Pro, but only if it's after 1:30," the designer responded. Who the hell is against brunch? [TFI]
• Christopher Kane clarifies his earlier statements about not liking fashion blogs because designers have little to no control over what they publish. Now he says blogs can be fine, so long as they're not "critical" or "negative": "You're allowed to say what you want but sometimes the blogs that you read are really negative and that's what I meant to say really. Sometimes it's too negative for my liking and I think maybe they could give someone a compliment or say something nice. But bloggers nowadays seem to be a bit negative...but when it gets to someone's work and they're being critical, it's like ‘Give them a break'." [Grazia]
• Unilever has suspended its relationship with a palm oil supplier after Greenpeace alleged that the supplier was not harvesting its oil sustainably. Palm oil is a key ingredient in many cosmetics, but deforestation and environmental destruction can result when farmers slash and burn forests to plant palms. [WWD]

[New York, September 21. Image via Getty]

NEW YORK - SEPTEMBER 21: Students at the Young Women's Leadership School in the East Harlem neighborhood of Manhattan listen to Queen Rania of Jordan September 21, 2009 in New York City. The queen met with students and staff at the school as part of her activism in girls education. (Photo by Chris Hondros/Getty Images)

• Oprah's been gushing about meeting Shawn Carter:

"Jay-Z is my new best friend!" Oprah told Gayle King. "He was so charming and delightful - and he smelled so good." [People]

• If I'm reading this story correctly, Lily Allen's "brickie boyfriend" ran away down the street to avoid being snapped by the paparazzi and she was left holding some Indian food and a pair of pants. [The Sun]
• The latest on Jon and Kate Gosselin is that he's still trying to appear on that show Divorced Dad's Club; which does not make TLC happy. And they're not happy about his conduct lately; apparently his contract has a "morals clause" that does not include being seen going in and out of bars and drinking. Kate's been "pulling up the slack" Jon's created. Plus! All the money made last season from Jon & Kate Plus 8 went into a joint account. Kate put some into a college fund for the kids; Jon spent his share. "Kate's people say Jon is making money
  on the side by selling pictures and stories of him and the kids to the tabloids." [TMZ]
• "When pictures emerged of Kate Moss looking haggard as she sunbathed in St Tropez, nobody was more shocked than the supermodel herself… now she has planned a '10 years younger' health plan to regain her youthful complexion." [Daily Mail]
• Survivor winner Richard Hatch was sent to jail after doing an interview for the Today show, even though the interview was cleared by the Bureau of Prisons. (Hatch had been on house arrest.) [AP]
• Naomi Campbell, Queen Rania, and Jacques Chirac are in Saint-Tropez, and you are not. [Page Six]
• Pregnant Penelope Cruz: Avoiding the spotlight. [Page Six]
• Mariah Carey's album has been pushed back to September 29, which means that she'll miss the Grammy cutoff date by just one day and won't be in the running. She also won't hit shelves the same day as Whitney Houston's new album, which comes out September 1.
• You know how Dr. Conrad Murray has released a video statement? Columnist Courtney Hazlett points out that Michael Jackson really pioneered the scripted, recorded statement. [MSNBC Scoop]
• "Michael Jackson 'self-harmed' to get painkillers"… "He'd bang his head against the wall, hit his fists and arms against furniture, anything to cause a cut or bruise." [Mirror]
• Michael Jackson's funeral could cost $50,000 when you add in police and pther city services. [TMZ]
• Cue screams: Joe Jonas will be one of the celebrity judges on American Idol. Victoria Beckham, Mary J. Blige and Shania Twain will also appear in the spot vacated by Paula Abdul. [People]
• Yesterday, a judge ruled that Paris Hilton won't have to pay investors from failed flick Pledge This, who were claiming she didn't promote the movie enough. [Page Six]
• "Russell Brand shows off sex moves." [UKPA, Twitter]
• Ask Katy Perry a question her manager doesn't like, and he will pull the plug on your interview. Literally. Like, the lights will go out. Despite this, Katy was "delightful." [News.com.au]
• Inglourious Basterds prequel? "If the movie proves to be very popular, then we'll do it," says Quentin Tarantino. [Gatecrasher]
• Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush went to dinner together on Monday — strolling into a Ruth's Chris Steak House in New Orleans. Back together? Just friends? [People]
• "Kourtney Kardashian Agonized Over Whether to Keep Her Baby." [People
• Susan Sarandon's daughter Eva Amurri took pole-dancing lessons to appear as a stripper in the third season of Californication. "I have such a respect now for women who do this. It's very athletic, I mean, they're athletes!" she says. And her mom came to a few classes: "We didn't, like, do it together, although I'm sure that's a nice visual for people." Of appearing naked on TV, Amurri says: "You basically see boobs and butt. It's the same as you would see on a European beach. It's nothing scandalous… Men are naked as much as the women are on that show, which I really like. If you're going to be naked, at least it's equal-opportunity nudity." [Observer]
• Bruce Willis and wife Emma Heming took a tour of L.A.'s "megapricey" Carlyle Residences, where apartments start at $2.9 million and penthouses go for as much as $15 million. [E!]
• A Leona Lewis track leaked on to the Internet, and Simon Cowell, quite naturally, called the cops: Looks like her record label was being targeted by hackers. [The Sun]
• Jon Hamm has joined the cast of Sucker Punch, an action fantasy flick with Vanessa Hudgens, Abbie Cornish and Carla Gugino, among others. It's set in the 1950s and directed by 300's Zack Snyder. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• American Idol's David Cook, 26, has an "older woman" in his life: She's 35. [Page Six]
• Liam and Noel Gallagher no longer speak to each other. "He doesn't like me and I don't like him, that's it," Liam says. Nevertheless! Oasis will headline the V festival this weekend. [Independent]
• "Mindy McCready Wouldn't Leave My Daughter's House Says Kari Ann's Mom." [Radar Online]
• Rhea Perlman and her daughter, Lucy DeVito, will appear in Love, Loss And What I Wore, an Off-Broadway production produced by Nora and Delia Ephron. [Variety]
• The surviving members the iconic British comedy troupe Monty Python will be presented with a special BAFTA honor this fall. [UPI]
• "I'm a fan of the traditional Speedo. I think it's time to bring back the ass cleavage." — Vivica. A. Fox. [WWD]
• "This is the first time someone gave me a part where I'm strong, where I'm the engine, the motor of the scene. Many times actresses are an accessory to a story line. To be handed intelligent dialogue was nice. It was a very new experience for me." — Diane Kruger, on Inglourious Basterds. [Reuters]
• "I love the way my mother wore clothes. She used to cut her own hair and wore very little make up and she just did things differently. She used to wear odd, different-colour argyle socks but then she also wore beautiful British tailored suits and little tea dresses with platform shoes. That's sort of how people dress now so she was very modern and ahead of her time in many ways. She really didn't give a damn about what people thought and back then it was all about conforming. It really wasn't the done thing to reflect your own personality through your clothes. She was also an amazing photographer. Much of her work launched Rolling Stone magazine and at the same time she was very modest. If she had met the Queen she would probably have been more interested in talking to the butler. That's just the way she was." — Stella McCartney on late mother Linda, to Harper's Bazaar. [Daily Express]
• "It's awesome and has great margaritas and tacos... How fun is that? I just go and sit on a bar stool and it's fun, like, 'Oh, I'm hangin' here at my place.'" — Renee Zellweger, on the East Hampton taco bar, Blue Parrot, she co-owns. [Daily Express]
• "I'd be out there, and it would be scorching hot, so I would take off all of my clothes and garden. And then I would jump in the pool and swim — and I always get in the pool naked. I used to spend a lot of time with Woody Harrelson, and he's not afraid to get naked." — Alicia Silverstone on gardening naked. [Page Six]
• "[Our relationship] was amazing… [But] Jon said he couldn't be seen having a girlfriend, so he told me to drive to a neighbor's house after midnight, when the kids were asleep. He said he'd pick me up in his four-wheeler, take me to his house and drop me off again at 6 a.m." — Kate Major on seeing Jon Gosselin, with whom she claims she had three sexual encounters. More in Midweek Madness. [Gatecrasher via Life & Style]
• "HIV/Aids is a huge pandemic that to be fair, to be honest, governments have not responded to effectively enough. Churches can do a tremendous amount, and I know they do, but then again they can do tremendous harm, because when the Pope goes to a country in Africa and tells them that they shouldn't be using condoms when we know that HIV is a sexually transmitted disease, I don't think that makes any sense at all. I'm comfortably wealthy, white, educated — I'm one of the lucky ones. I have had good healthcare and my children have good healthcare. I want that for everybody, I want people to have fundamental access to the most basic things. Everybody can do something, I really believe that, that each of us have a sphere of influence, whether it be your friends, your family or workplace, or colleagues." — Annie Lennox, at the Festival of Politics at the Scottish Parliament in Edinburgh. [BBC News]

• The details of Fashion's Night Out — aka Anna Wintour's Plan To Save Retail — have been announced. Over 700 stores in all five boroughs will be participating in events that range from sewing circles to cook-ins to rock shows:

• Celebs and designers who will be in attendance at the various festivities include Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen, Francisco Costa, Manolo Blahnik, Isaac Mizrahi, Kate Mulleavy, Diane von Furstenberg, Liev Schreiber, Stephanie Seymour, and Anna Wintour herself. Although all the tee shirt customization and free music will be enough to drag us around to at least a few stores come September 10, we're also tremendously excited by the idea of taking salsa lessons taught by Juan Carlos Obando. [WWD]
• As is to be expected, Vogue is apparently attracting a lot of attention from cost-cutting consultants McKinsey. Dare we hope that McKinsey will shake things up at the tired mag, and shake them hard? In other Condé Nast news, Teen Vogue's very stylish accessories editor, Taylor Tomasi Hill, is leaving to take a position at Marie Claire. There are no plans to replace her. [Fashionista]
• Agent Provocateur is launching a new line of super-expensive lingerie it's calling couture. Agent Provocateur Soirée will launch with an in-season show at New York Fashion Week on September 9, and hit stores in November. Prices top £2450. [Elle UK]
• The second issue of Love is out, and it turns out the preview image that surfaced online last month actually is one of the covers — editor Katie Grand chose Alex Hartley, and 18-year-old bass player she found on the Internet, for one cover, and Sting spawn Coco Summer for the other. [Fashionologie]
• Katie Grand had 35 guests at her recent wedding. Thirty-five guests who finished 28 bottles of vodka. Our kid of woman. [ToL]
• Dasha Zhukova, the 28-year-old heiress, art gallerist, and Grand's replacement editor at Pop, is rumored to be pregnant by her 42-year-old boyfriend, Roman Abramovich. [P6]
• An image of Scarlett Johansson which might be part of the ad campaign for a Dolce & Gabbana perfume launching later this year has leaked. The perfume is called Rose The One, and the picture is very soft and rosy looking, plus Johansson is already confirmed to be the face of the scent, both of which are signs that point to yes. [SassyBella]
• Tori Spelling has launched a children's clothing range. Little Maven will cost $26-$88, and is designed for kids up to 4 years of age. [Daily Mail]
• Naomi Campbell and Queen Rania of Jordan were introduced while holidaying in the south of France. There's no word on what they discussed upon meeting. [Daily Mail]
• The mayor of Kennesaw, Georgia, which is male model Sean O'Pry's hometown, is today giving the 20-year-old an official proclamation, because O'Pry speaks highly of Kennesaw in the interviews he does between gigs for Armani and Calvin Klein. [P6]
• Comme des Garçons and Converse are giving their collaboration wider distribution this fall. Four styles of the Comme des Garçons-designed sneakers will go on sale in select cities at the end of this month, and worldwide in October, for $100 a pop. [WWD]
• When asked about the person who irrevocably changed the way she looked at fashion, Heidi Klum generously named Karl Lagerfeld, despite the designer's stated dislike of her. [Newsweek]
• Everybody is wearing Lolita glasses. And by everybody, we mean Madonna, Drew Barrymore, Katy Perry, Nicole Richie, Kelly Osbourne, and Kim Kardashian. Clearly we ought to be wearing them, too. Or something. [NYDN]
• If you are a man who wants to buy Levi's jeans that are "re-created using the original techniques from 1873" for $395, you can do so, at J. Crew's downtown men's stores. [WWD]
• Riam Dean, the young woman who was asked to work in the stockroom by Abercrombie & Fitch because of her prosthetic arm, has sold the full, terrible story of her experience of discrimination to the Daily Mail. Dean says the £9,000 she won from the company in damages hasn't covered her legal fees. [Daily Mail]
• Hats are back, again. This story gets re-written every six months. [WSJ]
• The alligator "harvest" begins later on this month in Florida, but wildlife experts expect the number of the creatures that will end up as purses this year to be drastically reduced: while revenue from alligator skins topped $71 million in Florida in 2007, a mere $10 million is this year's industry estimate. What doesn't make sense about all these stories about exotic skins, whether alligator, crocodile, or python, losing their marketplace appeal, is the fact that among luxury categories, the bridge products — wallets, keychains, and other "aspirational" branded baubles — are the ones that are experiencing the steepest decline in sales. Brands from Hermès to Louis Vuitton have reported that their most expensive offerings, like exotic skinned bags, are still experiencing strong sales — if not actually leading sales across the whole brand. So what gives? Are the pythons and gators going to be left to their own devices in the Everglades this season, or not? [MSNBC]
• H&M's same-store sales fell 3% on last year during the month of July; analysts had expected a more modest 1% drop, since the fast fashion chain has been performing relatively well in the recession so far. [Reuters]
• Following another disastrous quarterly result, Abercrombie has announced it plans to further cut its prices. [WSJ]
• Escada USA filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy in New York, one day after the German parent company opened bankruptcy proceedings there. [WWD]

A look inside proved no help. In addition to a long profile of the un-mockable Michelle Obama, March Vogue details the humanitarian work of Melinda Gates, Queen Rania of Jordan, and Silda Spitzer. At first glance, these women are doing good in the world, and Vogue doesn't deserve our derision for profiling them. At second glance, all the things that make this Vogue less funny than usual also make it crappier.

Take Queen Rania's profile, by Vicki Woods. There's the obligatory mention of her style ("her curvy, oyster-colored, soft wool jacket with three-quarter sleeves, cinched with a black belt over a soft-pleated black skirt, is perfectly proper and regal") and her body ("Rania is beautiful, model-skinny, and so tall she can step into anything straight off the runway"). Then they talk politics. Woods says she pities women in headscarves, then records the Queen's response thus:

Rania juts her chin and spools out a seamless paragraph about tradition, culture, national differences, religious differences, political differences between "the woman in Afghanistan who is forced by the Taliban to wear the burka as a tool of oppression and the woman in Abu Dhabi who wears it as traditional dress," until she sees my stubborn, unaccepting face and smartly changes tack: "You know, if I were to sit in front of an audience of American or European women, some wearing trousers and some wearing skirts, and I was going to make assumptions — judgments! — about what they're thinking based on whether they're wearing skirts or trousers, can you imagine how misguided I'd be?" Triumphantly, she wins her point.

Uh, really? Isn't Vogue in the business of detailing exactly how your choice of skirts or trousers reflects the inner you, at the very least a quality of personal style that makes you worthy of praise or criticism? Hasn't Queen Rania been chosen for a profile in large part because of this style? Isn't her response, under the circumstances, actually pretty glib and worth arguing over? Sure, but this is Vogue, and Vogue is in the business of profiling remarkable women, always with the presupposition that they are remarkable and above any real criticism. Presumably anybody whose publicist (Silda Spitzer now has one, according to her profile) lets her talk to Vogue knows this, and it's one reason that while Vogue might be a little more cerebral than Cosmo (which reveals that Ali Larter cracks her knuckles and Marisa Miller curls her eyelashes), it's not all that much more substantive.

Which is why we say to Vogue, just do what you do best. Amuse us with your bizarre beauty treatments and your five-page spreads of Oscar de la Renta's bedroom. Let Plum Sykes romp through your pages in her bespoke riding gear. You may think that the recession is a time to be serious, but take it from us: you're just not that good at it. We appreciate the Michelle Obama cover, but for April, get your head back in the clouds where it belongs. We want to write some cover lies.

Jordan's Queen Rania Wins YouTube Award [AP]
[Queen Rania's YouTube Channel]

[All images via Bauer-Griffin]

Or maybe because she is not that intellectually curious and therefore lacks opinions that might lead her into something more meaningful!

Portman seemed to know enough about her subject — but no more than enough. I asked if she had the time to read books on economic development. Portman giggled and said, "I have time; I just don't want to."

That's not hard to fathom; Portman is a 26-year-old movie star. Still, she thinks of her discovery of poverty, and of this particular solution to it, as a pivot point in her life. She has stopped doing commercials. "I want to be comfortable and proud of everything I do," Portman says. She has designed a line of vegan shoes. She doesn't want to be controversial, but she does want to be taken seriously.

The Celebrity Solution [NYT Magazine]