[Image via Oh! My God! I Miss You ]

Star
"Insane! Inside Britney's Tragic Freefall Into Madness" If you haven't been keeping up with the Britney developments, Star offers thorough, detailed coverage. You might even learn things you didn't already know, like: When the cops found Britney and Jayden James locked in the bathroom, JJ was "drowsy from the NyQuil she'd given him to quiet him down." Britney threatened to jump out of the ambulance, forcing the EMTs to restrain her ankles. And! When the (poor, probably underpaid) court-appointed monitor took Sean Preston out of the house and came back for Jayden with the help of Brit's bodyguard Big Mike, Britney "pounced" on Mike and bit his leg. That's when the monitor dialed 911. Plus, Britney had been self-medicating all afternoon with Prozac and Adderall — washing the pills down with Purple Drank™. (That's cough syrup, pain killers and diet Sprite for you newbies.) While hospitalized, Britney was "mean, rude and belligerent" to the staff, threw a tray and ripped out her IV. She says she already has a suicide note written, stating Kevin drove her to it, which she keeps in her wallet in case she dies. But that's not all! Britney's new man, Adnan Ghalib, was born in Afghanistan but moved to London when he was 5 years old. He later moved to America, specifically the West Coast, inspired by Tupac's "California Love." And yeah, he is still married to his second wife, Azlynn Berry, thought they lead separate lives... but share a checking account. Also inside: Linday Lohan "has a PhD in lying," says a source. "She spins everything to look good." She's not sober, although she tries to act like rehab made her a new woman. And she told her record label she'd have new material by January 1st but went to Capri and made out with dudes instead. There's a photo-driven story called "Gym Or Genes" that explains how certain female celebs stay slim. Sienna Miller, Angelina Jolie and Hilary Swank have skinny genes; Fergie, Jennifer Garner and Hayden Panetierre have to work out. Halle Berry and her baby daddy Gabriel Aubry are living separate lives: He's trying to focus on his career; she doesn't want to get married. Ooh, page 30 has an item titled "Is Nicole Pregnant?" while page 94 has a short piece called "Nicole Kidman Is Pregnant! Guess which page shipped first in the magazine's closing schedule?
Grade: B- ("Gimme More")


In Touch
"Pregnant Jamie Lynn Dumped!" Britney is supposedly talking shit about her sister! She told a friend Jamie Lynn's supposed baby daddy Casey Aldridge doubts the kid is his, since there are rumors JLS slept with a producer on her show — and Casey wants a paternity test. "They've both strayed a bit from their relationship," says an insider. "They're teenagers, after all." JLS wants to decorate her baby's room with Care Bears — "She played with them up until a few years ago," a source snipes. Also inside: Britney coverage. When she had brunch with Adnan in Palm Desert over the weekend, a staffer at the restaurant says "she looked like she'd dragged herself out of bed," and "I remember thinking, 'This girl is messed up.' Especially when she took her drink to the bathroom." Cosmetic surgery peeps this week: Heidi Montag has collagen; Nicolette Sheridan's ass is way smoother than it used to be, and Jen Bunney from The Hills had a nose job. Madonna spends $10,000 a month on water — Kabbalah water! It's all she drinks and she has it shipped wherever she travels. There was a "vacation showdown" when Ashlee Simpson went to Costa Rica, where her sister's ex husband Nick Lachey was also on holiday, yawn. There's also some stuff from Andrew Morton's unauthorized Tom Cruise biography — some think Suri was spawned by the frozen sperm of L. Ron Hubbard. Not sure about this story called "Is Lindsay Lohan Addicted To Sex?" A 21-year-old who makes out with three guys while on vacay in Italy is not necessarily an addict, right? Jennifer Aniston was set up on a blind date with Entourage star Kevin Connelly by her "friends" Tobey Maguire and his wife Jennifer Meyer. "She usually goes for taller guys, but Jen likes guys who can make her laugh and Kevin kept her in stitches," says a source. "Their Boyfriends Are Loaded" is a list of women dating rich dudes: Geri Halliwell's man, Evgeny Lebedev, is a Russian heir whose dad is known as the Donald Trump of Russia; Uma Thurman's dude Arpad Busson is worth $500 million; Salma Hayek "wins" with François-Henri Pinault, whose luxury goods company is worth $14.5 billion.
Grade: C ("Oops!...I Did It Again")


OK!
"Last Day With Mommy" Photographer Dani Brubaker spent a day photographing Britney Spears and her kids. She tells her story to the mag, painting the pop star as a model mom. "She was very loving, she was very attentive to their needs," Brubaker says. "I'm told that when she saw the photographs, she cried for over an hour and stared at them all night long." Know what? The pix are really sweet. Also inside: Amy Winehouse tells the mag: "I have lost weight because I don't smoke weed anymore. I go to the gym, I drink a lot of water, and I eat right." What does she eat? "West Indian food, KFC, tuna salad and chicken soup." Angelina is desperate to get pregnant: She tried to gain weight by eating Brad's mom's home-cooking (pot roast, potatoes and cherry pie.) There's a story called "Their Life Together" that's all about Jamie Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge house-hunting in Louisiana and enjoying each others' company. Casey is an "environmental engineer", aka a pipe fitter. He thought about becoming an extra on Zoey 101 but decided against it and is laying low. Also Tara Reid says: "I'm not anorexic. I was thin for a movie that I just finished." It's a horror film called Vipers. Oscar alert!
Grade: C ("Crazy")


Us
"Time Bomb": Yet another play-by-play of the Britney drama, which the writer Kevin O'Leary calls "Surreal and Shakespearean." After her hospitalization, Britney went to a Saks Fifth Avenue in Palm Desert, California and a clerk asked if she was Britney Spears. Britney answered in a sing-song voice, "No, but I wish I was." Also, Adnan Ghalib's wife may be in cahoots with him on this whole posing for pix with BritBrit thing — a source says they have an arrangement. "She encouraged her husband to pursue the pop star so they both reap the windfall." Classy! Lastly, Lauren Conrad is back on with her Laguna dude, Stephen Colletti, formerly of TRL: they were seen dancing and making out at club LAX.
Grade: D- ("Do Somethin'")


Life & Style
"What Her Kids Saw": When Britney Spears locked herself in the bedroom, an insider says, "It was like something out of a horror movie. All you could hear was screaming. Jayden was crying hysterically." In addition, Britney began to speak in a series of strange voices: "She was talking in all these different accents. It was creepy." Experts and insiders agree she probably has bipolar disorder. There's also information about Lindsay Lohan's exploits in Capri: One dude was 27, one guy was 21, the other was 40. You go girl!
Grade: D- ("I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman")

• Okay, get ready for this: The UK'sNews Of The World alleges that, the night she ended up in the hospital, Britney Spears took 10 sleeping pills, 12 Vicodins, six Ritalins and 10 Zantacs — and washed them all down with her "purple drank", i.e. vodka, NyQuil and Red Bull. She also supposedly phoned her sister and shouted, "You're not going to be the only fucking Spears on the front cover of a magazine next week!" As for reports that Brit will be on Dr. Phil, a source says, "Based on the interaction between Dr. Phil and Britney . . . it'll be a cold day in hell before Britney goes on his show." [New York Post]
  
• Doctors at Cedars-Sinai hospital are pissed that Dr. Phil visited Britney in the first place — the patient has to give consent for stuff like that and it was a violation of her rights. [TMZ]
  
• Dr. Phil says he went to see Britney at the request of one Lynne Spears, her mother. [TMZ]

• Wait, what? A "reliable source" says Britney tested free of illegal drugs and alcohol while in Cedars-Sinai. Well Vicodin isn't illegal, right? Anyway, she might have seemed drugged but actually just has undiagnosed bipolar disorder, says an insider. [People]
• In any case, over the weekend, Britney went to Palm Desert with her new "friend," paparazzo Adnan Ghalib. [People]
• Meanwhile, Kevin Federline — who has sole legal and physical custody of the kids now — is in "lockdown mode" and just keeping his ass at home. Smart kid. [People]
• Britney's father "broke down" and was in tears after she was discharged from the hospital. [People]
• Also, despite reports to the contrary, Britney did not have a gun in the house when she held her children hostage. [Perez Hilton]
• Is Nicole Kidman knocked up? Signs point to maybe. [Page Six]
• Author Andrew Morton's new book alleges that Tom Cruise is the number-two guy at the Church of Scientology and that frozen sperm was used to spawn Suri, who has L. Ron Hubbard as her real baby-daddy. Sigh. [The Sun]
• Also, Scientologists threatened to blackmail Nicole Kidman if she said anything bad about the religion, Morton's book claims. [Sydney Morning Herald]
• Singer Norah Jones and live-in love Lee Alexander (bassist in her band) have broken up. We know where to find some sad songs for them to listen to. [Page Six]
• An insider says that Paul McCartney's secret heart surgery was one of the reasons he and Heather Mills split: She was focused on him and he wasn't taking care of himself. Yawn. [Page Six]
• Because of the writers' strike, no one seems to know what the hell is going on with the Golden Globes... and it's happening Sunday. [Gatecrasher]
• In fact, NBC may not even televise the Golden Globes. Which might help, since the WGA says guild members would not picket if the event wasn't televised. [UPI]
• Blind item! "Which highbrow talk show host telephoned a female massage therapist from the Pierre hotel last week and requested she perform intimate acts with his lady-friend, while he watched? Sadly, the answer was 'No.'" [Gatecrasher]
• Mick Jagger gathered almost all seven of his offspring for the holidays... Only Jade and Elizabeth didn't join him on Mustique — they're not fans of his current girlfriend, L'Wren Scott. [Rush & Molloy]
• Producers of The Hills convinced JustinBobby to play Audrina's boyfriend by paying him as a cast member. Romantic! [Rush & Molloy]
• Lily Allen: "I get upset about illiterate young people. Someone texted me in fuckin text speak without any vowels, so I replied just in vowels." [Mirror]
• Funnyman Jack Black's wife is expecting a second child! Doesn't he seem like a fun dad? [Breitbart]
• Reese Witherspoon was number one in a survey of most-liked celebs; Jennifer Aniston was number two. This country is kind of weird. [Reuters]
• Just like her ex, Riley Giles, an Italian waiter has also sold his Lindsay Lohan story to the News Of The World. Alessandro di Nunzio says LL was "extremely flexible and adventurous" in the bedroom and her panties and bra did not match. Alessandro was "hurt and sad" when he found out that LL was also seeing two other dudes while in Italy, but we suspect cash he got from the UK tab should ease his pain. [MSNBC]
• Madonna: Still in India, doing stuff like singing karaoke with the Maharaja of Jodhpur. [Mirror]
• Charlize Theron's Aunt says her brother, Charlize's father, was "mildmannered" and never would have attacked his wife or daughter. She has doubts about what really happened 16 years ago when Charlize'smother shot her father. [Daily Mail]
• Vanessa Paradis says she is "not proud" of her past as teen pop star — her song, "Joe le Taxi" was No. 1 in France for 14 weeks in 1987. Have you seen the video? She was cute! [Independent]