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Oversharing, Undersharing, And Why People Should Have Opposite-Sex Friends
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jrhys
07/15/09

In reply to Oversharing, Undersharing, And Why People Should Have Opposite-Sex Friends
A few men I've first-dated lately -who are 40ish and who I realize now are depressed and desperate - are into massive oversharing. Like not sleeping with them on the second date or returning their multiple phone calls within the day turns into a 14 year old tailspinny freakout. They confuse oversharing or emotional puking with intimacy. It 100% makes me feel like the guy - and also makes me lose their numbers.
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msAnthrope
07/14/09

In reply to Oversharing, Undersharing, And Why People Should Have Opposite-Sex Friends
my husband is my bf/co-hort. what i've discovered from him is that i must tell "a story" before "getting to the point." apparently there are always little details to the bigger picture that i feel i must paint in. which causes his eyes to glaze over, most of the time.

so i don't know if opposite-sex friends solves the problems. could be, the communication style of each could drive the other slightly insane.
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Zombie Ms. Skittles
07/14/09

@msAnthrope: Meh, usually I just bitch to my opposite sex friends the same way I would if I had any same sex ones. They serve the same purpose, except the dudes tend to be more snarky about it.
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PreposterousHypothesis
07/14/09

In reply to Oversharing, Undersharing, And Why People Should Have Opposite-Sex Friends
I think it's less about having different communication styles, or rather, and more about having a friend who will call you on your shit. My best friend and I can talk about feelings with both efficiency and at length, depending on our moods, and we'll also tell each other to address our problems with the person who is giving us problems, after hashing it out between us. We're both women, but both of us can put on the perspective hat.

Plus, the oversharing isn't the issue. It's your audience. And there should be some discrimination in who you talk to, and how many people you talk to, about your personal issues. The depth of the issues you address should be gagued individually.
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The HZA.
07/14/09

In reply to Oversharing, Undersharing, And Why People Should Have Opposite-Sex Friends
Sometimes it seems like oversharing info is what is needed. It seems better than leaving bits out. That's my thinking at least.
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Scout
07/14/09

In reply to Oversharing, Undersharing, And Why People Should Have Opposite-Sex Friends
I (we) accidentally over-share as the walls and floors of our apartment are wafer thin. needless to say, trying to act like nothing is happening, while in the midst of the neighbors company, becomes difficult ahem
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Penny
07/14/09

In reply to Oversharing, Undersharing, And Why People Should Have Opposite-Sex Friends
And, does anyone have this "opposite-sex friend" relationship with their partner?
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kithkin
07/14/09

@Penny: Absolutely. My husband is my best friend, and we use the term "team" instead of "marriage" more often than not. Unless it's in the context of Team Marriage: Fuck Yeah. For years before we were married we were close friends and we have always confided in one another, for the last 8 years or so. I think the partner-as-teammate metaphor is extremely important and is a huge part of my relationship's success.
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bluebears
07/14/09

@Penny: and kithkin: I have this relationship with my partner as well. We were friends before we started dating. I mean for me at least I can't imagine being with someone that I didn't consider like, (at least one of) my best friend.
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rah29
07/14/09

@Penny: My partner is amazing but there are some things he doesn't understand that my male friends do. Most importantly, I happen to have male friends who have gone through depression, and he (thankfully) hasn't, so he just can't understand what I'm going through sometimes, especially since his instinct is to tell me that all my self-criticism is nonsense.

I find it very useful to have a male perspective on some of these issues, because my communication style is a bit more stereotypically masculine (meaning: I will NOT talk unless I'm drunk, and I can't really deal with people telling me the 'nice' thing instead of the true thing). But then again, that's a matter of personality. By no means has every girl group I've known been passive-aggressive in the way my current group of female friends tends to be.
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Penny
07/14/09

In reply to Oversharing, Undersharing, And Why People Should Have Opposite-Sex Friends
I totally overshare, not about problems as much as general information. I don't really give a shit. I've been called out on it here, but never in life, so I figure I'm fine.

I also love people who overshare with me. There's a difference between excessive obsessing over something (I think my boyfriend is going to leave me and here's why in 50000 words) and an "I don't care" attitude about things that some may find offensive/embarrassing.
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amowls
07/14/09

@Penny: Exactly. Although it is a problem at work and a reason why I am so stoney around my superiors. I'm afraid of saying ANYTHING around them because most of the time, I'm thinking about something entirely inappropriate.
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Penny
07/14/09

@amowls: I find that I don't trust people who can't be crude or honest about themselves (unless that person is my mother, who is as square as they come). I am lucky at work because my boss and I have a CRAZY open relationship and talk about everything from our bowel movements to the guys we have fucked. The only downside is that these conversations can sometimes carry over into professional settings. I can't tell you how many times I've accidentally called a coworker by one of our nicknames in a meeting.

Also, like you, I find myself thinking about totally inappropriate shit when I am around people and sometimes struggle not to bust out laughing. I pretty much avoid all eye contact with my boss in meetings unless he and I are engaging about work.
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BeckySharper
07/14/09

In reply to Oversharing, Undersharing, And Why People Should Have Opposite-Sex Friends
I'm all for oversharing if it helps women get advice, sympathy, help, or just feel less isolated. That's the whole reason any human being shares/commiserates, and it's a very important social/emotional tool.

What I can't handle is masturbatory oversharing where it's the same problem over and over again in a constant, never-ending loop (i.e. I hate my husband, I hate my body, I hate my job, I hate my roommate). That's stressful for the sharer and for the listener and it doesn't help solve those problems (and if you're not looking to solve your problems, quit inflicting them on others).
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Rooo sez BISH PLZ
07/14/09

@BeckySharper: Someone make this woman Deputy Secretary, HHS, Mental Health Division, right away, plzkthx.
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elliebean
07/14/09

@BeckySharper: That whole comment was incredibly eloquent, and I think this is a good point (the unhelpful oversharing), which is why I've always found it helpful to find friends to talk to who will actually help/not put up with any of that shit, and why I try to be that kind of friend to others. Because I've definately got the tendency if I'm feeling really low.
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Slumdog_Mamabear
07/14/09

@BeckySharper: I had a close friend that was so guilty of the "masturbatory overshare" that it prompted me to make a rule.

She was allowed to complain to me about something exactly TWICE before she either had to shut up or do something about it.

Nothing drives me quite so crazy as people who continually complain but never take action. Don't whine about your weight while eating french fries. If you are doing something about it and it still bothers you, I will be your most supportive friend.
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thegogglesdonothing
07/14/09

@BeckySharper: You make a great point (and well-stated) but to me, what you're describing is just sharing, not OVER sharing. I think we as individuals and as a society are still trying to figure out what the line is between what's emotionally appropriate and acceptable and what's masturbatory or manipulative. I know that's largely in the eye of the beholder on some levels, but I'd like to see more discussion of what standards we should hold and expect others to hold.
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BeckySharper
07/14/09

@Slumdog_Mamabear: I think establishing boundaries is really useful. Because I can't just sit there and listen to hour after hour of negativity on the same topic (unless it's truly extreme, like someone has cancer or lost a child or something genuinely tragic and unfixable.)

I once dumped a friend because after a couple years of trying to be sympathetic, I couldn't stand another minute of hearing about her hopeless affair with a married man.
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rednrowdy
07/14/09

@BeckySharper: i'm against mastubatory overanalysis in general...overshare or not. i don't like to have the same conversation about the same thing every single damn time i talk to someone.
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jrhys
07/15/09

@BeckySharper: Great point. And men do it too.
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swimmingly
07/14/09

In reply to Oversharing, Undersharing, And Why People Should Have Opposite-Sex Friends
I have learned the hard way that when you share all your problems with everyone you do and don't know, they get blown WAY out of proportion and you end up getting more upset about them then you really should. I also hate it when people make their problems/emotions their Facebook status (in the form of song lyrics is the best) or put it all over Twitter. I am hoping by not responding to this behavior that they will get the hint and stop.
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freestylewalker
07/14/09

@swimmingly: Right on. I actually got off of Twitter because I found people constantly complained and reading the series of complaints put me in a terrible mood.
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Rooo sez BISH PLZ
07/14/09

@freestylewalker: You know, while nodding my head vehemently, I wonder how much of that is related to the fact that, as a society, we *don't* have that many community support systems in place for people to feel a little bad for a little while?
Like, in public, you're supposed to be cheerful ALL. THE. TIME. (Especially if you're a girl.) So either you're going to vent on Twitter, or take a looooot of Xanax.
IMO our society generates a lot of dysfunction - just read the Jezzie headlines, from athletes literally getting away with murder, to Mark Sanford, to Wailin' Palin.
You have to have coping mechanisms, or that mess is going to ooze out somewhere.
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Opti-Miss
07/14/09

In reply to Oversharing, Undersharing, And Why People Should Have Opposite-Sex Friends
I live in France and it amazes me how often english speakers will assume no-one understands them when they talk loudly in public (umm, this is the most popular tourist destination in the world)...yesterday I was subjected to 2 New Zealanders on the Metro talking about how they had diarrhea for 3 hours on the plane. Oversharing should have its limits set by those within the interaction, without being forced onto others.
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Everything MidnightBikeRide does is a balloon.
07/14/09

@Opti-Miss: Im abroad right now too and a couple of the Americans Im staying with like to treat English as their own personal bubble-- more in a "HA, check out the haircut on the dude whos standing three feet away from me right now" sort of way. As if the whole world is like the US where nobody has more than a high school class worth of foreign language. Or as if your facial expressions and gestures dont tip the guy off anyway. Of course, thse people still expect to hear English from all service employees.
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Trulymadlyme
07/14/09

In reply to Oversharing, Undersharing, And Why People Should Have Opposite-Sex Friends
I will never, ever understand the whole sharing personal things about my romantic relationships with tons of people. I get it; telling your best friend about relationship issues might yield some good advice and at the very least sharing is a good thing. What I don't get and saw constantly during grad school was how people were completely willing to share very, very personal things with tons of fucking people they do not know well. At all. It's disrespectful. And I hate that the first thing that comes to mind when I hear something about X person (who I don't know well) is that Y person and X person enjoyed sexing it up in public places. Seriously people. Stop it.
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thegogglesdonothing
07/14/09

In reply to Oversharing, Undersharing, And Why People Should Have Opposite-Sex Friends
I think opposite-gender friends are a great thing to have, but failing that, at least get some friends that have nuanced perspectives. Especially when it comes to relationship issues, there's a huge difference between hearing 'well, all women/men are clingy/controlling/other stereotype, what can you do?' and hearing 'you can work it out, just be reasonable, etc, etc.'
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southernbitch
07/14/09

In reply to Oversharing, Undersharing, And Why People Should Have Opposite-Sex Friends
you know what? hands down, the MALES in my group of friends are the obsessive, over-sharing, over-sensitive ones. they also tend to take longer to get ready to go places.
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GayRobotsRUS
07/14/09

@southernbitch: This. I have had more men cry on my shoulder or obsess if so and so loves them than any woman I know. And I can pee faster than all of my guy friends.
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jrhys
07/15/09

@southernbitch: Yes. I find that once men they let themselves feel something they don't know how to handle their emotions so well, so they get blown out of the water by things a woman would take in stride.
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colormeroutine
07/14/09

In reply to Oversharing, Undersharing, And Why People Should Have Opposite-Sex Friends
Everyday I find more evidence in popular culture telling me that I am secretly a man on the inside
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amowls
07/14/09

@colormeroutine: We're all secretly men. "Woman" is a mystical inhuman illusion. Why do you think "man" is the default and "woman" is the other?
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Ailanthus-altissima
07/14/09

In reply to Oversharing, Undersharing, And Why People Should Have Opposite-Sex Friends
Oversharing is the plague of my generation. Between twitter, Facebook, and all the rest of those networking sites, you have the potential to air out your grievances to everyone you know (just look at stfumarrieds if you doubt that this happens).

I will crusade day and night against the overshare. I'm thinking of making tshirts and a catchy jingle.
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CubeRootOfPi
07/14/09

@Ailanthus-altissima: Discretion is the better part of valour indeed.
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Sev
07/14/09

@Ailanthus-altissima: I will embrace your t-shirt and jingle crusade and bring it to the woman in my office who cannot go 3 minutes without mentioning all sorts of pointless information about her pregnancy. She's only 3 months along and so far I have heard everything from how she found out when going in for fertility testing to when and where she conceived.

I wish I had a jingle to sing to block out all the information.
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Ailanthus-altissima
07/14/09

@Sev: Brilliant, I will add you to the newsletter. Have you ever looked at stfuparents? Because that helps get me through discussions of swollen ankles and morning sickness.
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jrhys
07/15/09

@Sev:OK this is totally politically incorrect, and Im not making light of incest, but maybe you can tell your co- worker that you had a tragic incest baby adopted out when you were 12 and you cant hear anything about babies without freaking out? Maybe that will shut her up?
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