• Oprah asked Jennifer Aniston about calling Angelina's behavior "uncool." Jen said she was merely responding to the reporter's question. "I basically just answered it as honestly as I could." Plus, did you know that her flick, Marley And Me, is opening the same day as Brad Pitt's The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button? [People]
• Brad Pitt called Jen and cut her a slice of "shut it" cake. [TMZ]
• Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are heading to Paris, where they'll get engaged, says a spy. "After spending weeks discussing rings, they want to visit two leading jewellers there with their finalised design." OMG please do it at the top of the Eiffel Tower? Please? [Mirror]
• Prince Harry on his hair: "I'm not ginger. I'm auburn, that's what I've been told." Some of us would beg to differ, dear. [Telegraph]
• Oh God: Sarah Palin on Desperate Housewives? [Page Six]
• Madonna told a friend that A-Rod "has the heart of a poet trapped inside an insanely gorgeous body." Vom. [Page Six]

• Miley Cyrus says she'd love for Sasha and Malia Obama to come to the set of Hannah Montana: "I know they have a lot going on, but I think for them to come and hang out with normal kids would be fun." Cuz having your own TV show is like, so normal. Way more normal than having a dad in politics! [E!]
• Three Amy Winehouse fans buzzed her apartment, found her to be at home and had a lovely conversation with her through the intercom. She asked them for the spelling of their names and then signed photos for them. Watch the video just to hear the girls adorable Liverpudlian accents! [TMZ]
• Whoa. George Clooney may come back to ER for the finale? Yeah. Right. [E!]
• Goodbye, Lipstick Jungle and My Own Worst Enemy! NBC has canceled you, and you will live on in TV heaven. [E!]
• Mariah Carey went to London for three days and brought 20 pieces of luggage: Business as usual. [MSNBC]
• Mariah Carey says she goes over the top at Christmas and has a bedroom in her Aspen home made to look like the North Pole. What's cooler than cool? [The Sun]
• Here's how Mariah celebrates the holidays with her friends: "We go in the hot tub in our Christmas bikinis, then roll in the fresh snow and jump back in the tub." Her Christmas outfit is "a red bikini with a Santa hat." [Page Six]
• '90s boyband Boyzone got into a drunken brawl with Rihanna's band in Sydney and security had to break it up. When did pop get so rock and roll? [News.com.au]
• Speaking of Boyzone, they've got a gay couple in their new video. [BBC News]
• As for Rihanna, she canceled a concert in Indonesia after a travel advisory was issued. [Yahoo News]
• Click to see a snippet of Rihanna's new video, the one with Justin Timberlake! [Concrete Loop]
• Will Arnett on his new baby with Amy Poehler: "He's loving being a baby right now. He's thinking about smiling. He's trying to decide if he's ready or not." [People]
• If you'd like to see a picture of Clay Aiken, his egg donor and his baby, click away. [Perez Hilton]
• Some gay rights groups are thinking about boycotting the Sundance Film Festival in an effort to protest the Mormon Church and hurt Utah's business. But is affecting Robert Redford's celeb-studded film fest the right way to go? "Sundance was founded on the idea of championing diversity and freedom of expression," says a spokesman. "It would be a grave disappointment to us if our festival were to be singled out for a boycott." [Independent]
• Ed Norton's documentary about Barack Obama, or as one commenter suggested, "Barackumentary," is drawing wide interest. A lawyer repping the film says: "We’ve had an enormous number of incoming calls from territories all over the world." It should hit HBO next spring. [NY Times]
• Bob Saget approves of Mary-Kate and Ashley's boyfriends.
  "I approve of anyone that makes my friends happy, and they're my friends," he says. What he meant was: "I am not their actual father, I just played their dad on TV, get over it." [People]
• The former American Idol contestant found dead in an apparent suicide near Paula Abdul's home had been causing "a disturbance" there for several years, the police say. [People]
• Read more about Paula Goodspeed, one of the "delusionally bad performers" from American Idol, here. Was she ridiculed when she was clearly mentally unstable? [Washington Post]
• Anne Hathaway's ex, Raffaello Follieri, is not having fun in jail in Brooklyn. He says there are "unspeakably harsh conditions" and "unspeakably unsanitary" toilet and shower facilities and an "intolerable" stench. Rats "roam freely" and there is "excrement in the shower." [The Smoking Gun]
• Baz Luhrmann answers questions about Australia, which Oprah and her audience saw and LOVED. The film is getting compared to Gone With The Wind and Luhrmann says: Gone with the Wind is more than a movie; it's an icon, you know? So it's always scary to make that comparison. But in the same way that Gone with the Wind has a passionate love story that is played out on the canvases of a country's landscape and historical events, this movie has that about it." [LA Times]
• Luhrmann also says the rumors that he's had to reshoot the ending are "absurd." [Page Six]
• What the world needs now: A sequel to Meet The Fockers, with Ben Stiller and Bobby DeNiro. [Fox News]
• Carmen Electra will appear in an eight-page spread pictorial in the January 2009 issue of Playboy. Snooze. [Daily Express]
• What's this? Billy Corgan ranting about James Iha on stage? [Rolling Stone]
• Julia Stiles' mom just opened a home furnishings store in New York's Tribeca neighborhood. [Page Six]
• James Bond's Lotus from The Spy Who Loved Me is expected to fetch up to £120,000 at auction next month. It sorta looks like a DeLorean… [The Star]
• Jamie Oliver will not stop swearing on his TV show, where he uses the F word repeatedly, when he's angry about pork farms and stuff. [Mirror]
• Willam Shatner's moving his online feud with George Takei to a TV show on the Biography Channel. Leave George alone! [MSNBC]
• Hmm, George Takei is on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here? And no one met him at the airport when he flew to Brisbane. Boo. [Mirror]
• Rob Corddry and his wife welcomed a second child on Wednesday: A daughter named Marlo Stevenson Corddry. [People]
• A woman has been placed on three years of probation following her guilty plea to a misdemeanor charge of stalking actress Sandra Bullock. [Yahoo News]
• "My daddy said that I should wear it up and put it in a 'Get your hair as high and close to Jesus as possible' type hairdo. I said, 'Daddy, I don’t think I can get it any higher, but I did my best.'" — Miley Cyrus on her hair at the Country Music Awards. [E!]
• "I love Monopoly by the fire on Christmas Day." — Sienna Miller. [WWD]
• "In the future, if a gay person in California wants to get hitched, he'll have to do it the way God intended, to Liza Minnelli." — Stephen Colbert on The Colbert Report. [Page Six]
• "I've had a hair transplant. Because I have got a very strange shaped head. It's very pointy. And I don't like wearing wigs." — John Cleese. [Telegraph]
• "My insomnia started in my mid-20s. It got to the point where my immune system would give out. It affected my concentration level and being able to perform on the job." — Debi Mazar, who is promoting a web site for insomnia sufferers. [Daily Express]
• "I don’t think about it much because I don’t plan to keep acting very long. I’m ready to do a few things now and fade away and get ready to be a grandma one day. So I’m not so worried that I want to keep this pace up and try to be something and be a celebrity and be a successful actress forever. I think it’s nice, I’ve had a time to tell stories and be able to be successful enough to tell the ones I want to tell, and to earn some money at the same time is great. But everything comes in seasons and, you know, I hopefully won’t be needing to do that later in my life in any way." — Angelina Jolie's answer to the question of whether losing her looks would cut her career short. [The Sun]
• "I moved to California and my mom moved with me when I became a star. If we were still in Chicago she wouldn't have had that done. I've been going through anguish thinking about it. I have been so lonely." — Kanye West, on his mother's death after having plastic surgery. [Mirror]

[Devonport Naval Base, Plymouth, Devon, November 5. Image via Splash.]

[Chilton Foliat, UK, October 3. Image via INF.]

• Britney showed up at the MTV awards. And talked. And somehow won a few. Then Russell Brand made jokes about promise rings and George Bush. [E!]
• Jordin Sparks defended purity rings and some people in the crowd cheered. MTV used to be edgy and subversive, right? [People]
• Schlocky tabloid paper News Of The World is reporting that Lindsay Lohan wants to have a baby and raise the kid with Sam Ronson. LL apparently wants one of her ex-boyfriends to be the baby daddy. [News.com.au]
• No money for old men? Tommy Lee Jones is suing Paramount Pictures, claiming he was promised "significant box-office bonuses" from No Country for Old Men, which made more than $160 million. [USA Today]

• Cancer survivors Christina Applegate, Patrick Swayze, Sheryl Crowe and Lance Armstrong were part of the one-hour Stand Up To Cancer special on TV Friday night. [Reuters]
• "It’s hard to talk about work without talking about things that are personal. Work is personal. I don’t want to talk about my personal life, but it’s on my mind, and it’s in my work." — Michelle Williams, in a rare interview. She also says: "I’m going to take a year off. I think I stopped feeling creative a while ago, and I’m just realizing it now." And: "I’ve always identified with loners and outcasts, I don’t know why. I guess this is why I found a home in independent film. I wanted to work outside the system, which is why all this fame is a real brain teaser. What am I supposed to do with it? Can you work the system without it working you?" [NY Times]
• Madonna's Sticky & Sweet tour hit Rome and Her Madgesty said: "I dedicate this song to the pope, because I'm a child of God. All of you are also children of God." Then she sang "Like A Virgin." [Reuters]
• Ellen talks about her wedding! Newsweek asks, "What's the difference between a gay wedding and a straight one?" Ellen says: "Well, the food is gay. The water is gay. There's a gay vibe." And: "I cried when I saw her, because we didn't want to see our outfits beforehand. Actually, I could cry right now thinking about it. I never thought I would have that experience of getting married. I didn't think I was missing anything. I just didn't think about it. But to see her for the first time and to cut a wedding cake, that was surreal for me and I got to experience that with our families around us. I didn't realize how special it was until I did it." [Newsweek]
• Beyoncé: Seen wearing a gigantic, 18 carat flawless diamond valued at more than $5 million dollars. It's apparently a wedding ring from her "secret" marriage to Jay-Z. But yeah, it's huge, look at the picture. [People]
• Gary Coleman hit a man with his truck outside a Utah bowling alley. Was the guy harassing Gary and his wife? Or was Gary drunk? More info to come! [E!]
• David Beckham is well-endowed. In the pants. [The Sun]
• People are loving Daniel Radcliffe in Equus, including that infamous nude scene. [People]
• This Angelina Jolie doll, created by artist Noel Cruz, looks so much like Angie it's scary. Someone paid £2,000 for it on eBay and has the option of having tattoos added for an additional fee. Brad Pitt not included. [The Sun]
• Poor Brad never gets any sleep, but his kids make him laugh. [People]
• Is Pamela Anderson secretly seeing a member of the Royal Family of Dubai? [Global Voices]
• Remember Sam Lufti? Apparently in Lynne Spears' new book, she writes that he threatened Britney's life. Sam allegedly said to Lynne: "If you try to get rid of me, she'll be dead and I'll (expletive) on her grave." [UPI]
• Chris Brown has written a couple of songs for Britney. Whether she'll sing them is another story. [AP]
• The Florida Federation of Republican Women says they are boycotting Oprah's show and magazine because she's not having Sarah Palin as a guest on her program. Should Oprah feel like she has to give equal time? She's an Obama supporter and says: "At the beginning of this presidential campaign when I decided that I was going to take my first public stance in support of a candidate, I made the decision not to use my show as a (platform) for any of the candidates." [UPI]
• In 1998, Tom Cruise's wife was in a Broadway play. It's 2008 and Tom Cruise's wife is in a Broadway play! But Katie Holmes' part is not like Nicole Kidman's was. For starters, Katie isn't naked. [NY Times]
• Get your motors running: Prince William and Prince Harry will go on a motorcycle ride through Africa to raise money for orphans and AIDS victims. The 1,000 mile ride across South Africa and Lesotho is almost entirely off-road and the temperature will be around 104°. Hardcore! [Telegraph]
• Are Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson expecting twins? [Yahoo News]
• Amy Winehouse performed on the Isle of Wight on Saturday and her show was "patchy," with some fans walking away before it was over. Maybe she needs a long vacation? [The Sun]
• Noel Gallagher was tackled to the ground by a fan on stage in Canada, and yes, there is video. [BBC News]
• Brooke Shields is mildly funny in the commercial for the new VW minivan. [USA Today]
• Posh dining? Victoria Beckham and TV chef Gordon Ramsay are opening a traditional English restaurant in L.A. [Mirror]
• Headline of the day: "'Heather Mills Is A Bitch Who Tricked Me Into Spreading Lies About Paul McCartney,' Claims Her Ex-Hollywood PR." [Daily Mail]
• Also: Seems like Heather Mills promised a bunch of cash to the Adopt-A-Minefield charity — which helps clear mines from former war zones — and hasn't delivered. [The Sun]
• Emma Watson has bought a £1 million ski chalet in France. Now that she is 18, she can spend that Harry Potter and Chanel money! [The Sun]
• Jennifer Aniston says working on 30 Rock was "awesome — really, really fun." [ET]
• Coco Sumner, daughter of Sting and Trudie Styler, showed up at a movie premiere with her hair half shaved and part of an eyebrow missing. "Me and my mates were really stoned and thought it would be fun to shave our heads," she says. "My mum flipped when she saw me." [Mirror]
• Jessica Simpson debuted at the Grand Ole Opry on Saturday night. One viewer said: "I think she should have put some clothes on." There's video if you want to see her boobalicious outfit. [People]
• There's lots of Spider-Man 4 buzz, but Tobey Maguire is not a lock. Yet. [Yahoo News]
• Lily Allen's friend who was kidnapped was rescued just minutes before he was going to be executed. [Mirror]
• Thandie Newton prepared to play Condi Rice in Oliver Stone's new movie W by reading as much as she could. "I had two things going on: reading about this young woman, and the incredible story of the Bush administration. This gigantic beast, this machine and how it was cranking toward war. I wanted to become drunk with knowledge." [Times Of London]
• Kirsten Dunst may play the late singer Eva Cassidy in a movie by Robert Redford's daughter Amy. [The Sun]
• Singer Estelle thinks it's okay that Kanye West is a little egotistical. "I think more people should follow him, and be more cocky and more proud of their work." Kanye probably replied: YES!!!!!!!!! [E!]
• Sadie Frost and her friends drank £50k of champagne in one evening. How much Advil did they need the next day? [Mirror]
• The buzz, heh, on The Secret Life Of Bees, starring Dakota Fanning, Queen Latifah, Alicia Keys, Sophie Okonedo and Jennifer Hudson, is "very, very good." Roger Friedman says: "It’s a beautifully balanced, extremely nuanced drama that never gets overly sentimental." [Fox 411]
• Even though Joe Francis has a tax-dodging trial pending, a federal judge says he's allowed to be on the new season of Celebrity Apprentice. But! He won't be on Celebrity Apprentice because he's doing some other Donald Trump project instead. [E!]
• Janet Jackson got emotional while picking up a BMI Urban Award with her brothers (but not Michael) on Thursday night. [People]
• Shelley Malil, who played a dude named Haziz in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, was charged Friday with burglary and assault with a deadly weapon. He's been in jail since August 11 on attempted murder charges for stabbing his ex-girlfriend with two knives (while chasing her around her home as her two kids slept). [CNN]
• Spike Lee is working on a sequel to the Clive Owen/Denzel Washington crime drama Inside Man. [UPI]
• Tiger Woods has this estate in Florida and the average water usage is 10,000 gallons a month. He's almost in the top 25 water guzzlers in Orange County, Florida. But doesn't he like, travel a lot? Where is all the water going? Hopefully not sprinklers for grassy putting greens. [TMZ]
• Olivia Newton-John celebrated her third wedding anniversary with a third wedding ceremony. [Sydney Morning Herald]
• Mickey Rourke is in a low-budget picture called The Wrestler and he won the coveted Golden Lion award for best movie at the Venice Film Festival on Saturday. [Reuters]
• RIP silent film star Anita Page, who worked with Buster Keaton, Lon Chaney and Joan Crawford. [BBC News]
• "When my wife's working and I've got time off, I'm just Mr. Mom during the day, taking care of the little girl." — Keith Urban. [UPI]
• "My apologies to the cast and crews of My Name Is Earl and Scrubs. In my frustration with NBC's reprehensible promotion of 30 Rock, I took an unfortunate swipe at both of those shows and that was not cool. But, for Earl's creator, Greg Garcia, who referred to me as a 'psychotic,' I have only one question. Why are you Scientologists always rendering these medical opinions you aren't qualified to give?" — Alec Baldwin. [Perez Hilton]
• "I fly economy. I do often fly first class, but I don't travel with a posse, or bodyguard, or an assistant. I use other people's infrastructure. For instance, I am going to address the AARP convention in Washington, D.C. I will fly first class to New York on AARP's dime, get into a town car, stay not in a grand suite, but a nice hotel room. I don't pretend to be poor, but somewhere in the middle is O.K." — Gene Simmons. [BusinessWeek]
• "I could never be as successful as the Spice Girls – there were five of us in that group, and alone you can only do so much. But it’s nice to be able to have a go. I’ll have a new album out by January. I don’t get nervous about how it will do or feel pressure to have massive success. I believe in what I do and if people like it, great, and if they don’t then, whatever. The highlight of my career was the girls coming back together and deciding to do a goodbye tour… My jaw was aching for weeks when we first got back on stage, I couldn’t stop smiling." —Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown. [Mirror]
• "I'm single and crush-less… Like Hugh Hefner in his blonde phase, I’m in my European passport-holding era; American men need not apply." — Dita Von Teese. [Daily Express]

• Whoa. Robert Rodriguez and Rose McGowan are dunzo. She was supposed to star in his remake of Barbarella, but studio moguls wanted "a bigger star, a bigger name." Now the flick might have — wait for it — Jessica Alba as the lead. What a fucking mess. But yeah, the whole leaving your wife for the chick in your movie thing is always bad news bears. [Page Six]
• Yo! Daniel Craig lovers! The new bond trailer is online! (Why yes, he is shirtless for a split second!) [BBC News]
• Jennifer Aniston and the gang are reuniting for a film version of Friends. Why, Zeus, why??? [Daily Mail]
• A source says Alex Rodriguez of the Yankees has been hanging out at Madonna's apartment a lot lately. He's been leaving as late as midnight. They work out at the same gym, have the same agent and her kids like the Yankees. But! Madge's spokesperson says there is no truth to the rumored affair. [NY Post]
• Plus, Madonna's spokesperson says: "There are no divorce plans." [Reuters]
• The spokesperson, Liz Rosenberg, Madonna's PR flack, swears that her Madgesty and Guy Ritchie are not getting divorced. TMZ points out that she is the same woman who, in 2006, said, "Madonna has not adopted a baby, despite reports that she has." [TMZ]
• Madonna and Guy walked into a New York City restaurant last night, holding hands. Then they had dinner together. So clearly, everything is fine. [People]

• A smiley, happy slideshow of photos of Madonna and Guy through the years shows that he never wears a wedding ring. [TMZ]
• Angelina Jolie is in the hospital but "there's no urgency." She's resting and whatnot. Twins, people. Twins. [People]
• Her hospital check-in was "planned" and Angie is "doing great." [Reuters]
• Angelina's obstetrician will make a statement this afternoon. What will it be??? [AP]
• And yeah. Angie may have fibbed about her due date. [Fox News]
• BREAKING NEWS: Shannen Doherty is in talks to reprise her role as Brenda on the new 90210. Holy uckfay. [Perez Hilton]
• Christie Brinkley's divorce trial begins today and it's hard to muster the energy to care. It sucks that some dude cheated on a supermodel with a 18-year-old assistant but: Yawn. [AP]
• Daniel Radcliffe says of the new Harry Potter movie: "There is a fair amount of sexual energy and there are some drug parallels. We have a couple of what David Yates, the director calls our 'Trainspotting moments'." [Mirror]
• This headline: "Pharrell Williams To Grow New Skin In A Test Tube To Make Room For New Tattoos" says it all. [Mirror]
• Sienna Miller: Seen in Prague hugging married man Balthazar Getty and yes, there are pictures. [Daily Mail]
• Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong had a beachside lunch with Kate's mom Goldie Hawn, aww. [People]
• Boy George was forced to cancel his US tour due to visa denial. He's all, "Do you really want to hurt me?" And the authorities are like, "Yes." [USA Today]
• Colin Farrell has a new dame, novelist Emma Forrest. They've been together six months (???) but made their first public appearance in Hollywood last night. [The Sun]
• Meryl Streep is psyched about her Mamma Mia! movie: "It's a requirement of popular culture that you strike an ironic distance. This doesn't. It's a film about women and their whole experiences being hopeful and youthful and older and suffering the regrets that you have over a long life. It's visceral and I love that." She also says: "Women's real change in our society has been disruptive, but feels evolutionarily necessary. So now 60% of the kids in college are women. More than 50% of medical students are women. They're not at the top in government and business, but there is real change and I think that has terrified everybody. It's terrified men and it's terrified women." As a result, she thinks, "women have performed a compensatory step back". Streep starts imagining out loud what the women who have made that step back tell themselves. "'I won't be sexy if I'm this - even though I want to be paid an equal amount, I still want to appear sexy, I still want to appear fragile, so I'll lose weight.' That's my theory about what women are doing anyway." There's so much more, you should read the whole interview. [Guardian]
• Chris Martin thought he might be gay, then he discovered he loves breasts. [The Sun]
• The heirs of J.R.R. Tolkien have not received any money from the Lord Of The Rings movies, even though the studios grossed around $3 billion at the box office and $3 billion in DVDs and merch, wow. Wow. [LA Times]
• Donna Summer is making a "comeback." She has always written her own songs and her new album is no different. She didn't want to end up a "desperate housewife" so she decided to "go for it." And she doesn't plan to quit: "Ella Fitzgerald sang throughout her whole life. I have no intention of stopping." [Independent]
• Derek Jeter may or may not know what "prowess" means, but he likes the way it sounds when applied to his love life. [Page Six]
• Unlike Carrie Bradshaw, Candace Bushnell still smokes. [Page Six]
• Alec Baldwin vs. NYC carriage horses: A shitty battle. [Page Six]
• Will Princes Harry and William appear in a movie about "the glamorous international polo circuit"? [Page Six]
• "As a woman, if you're outspoken and you know what you want, you're a bitch. And if you don't know what you want, you're a ditz." — Kimora Lee Simmons to Giant magazine. [Page Six]
• Here's something you didn't want to know: Director Brett Ratner bought five copies of The Big Penis Book. [Page Six]
• That Russian male model, Andre Birleanu, from America's Most Smartest Model, who was arrested twice and charged with harassment and sexual abuse? Looks like his cases will be dismissed. [Page Six]
• Anne Hathaway's family tried to warn her about her con man ex-boyfriend, Raffaello Follieri. And did she know that shit was about to go down? She left the country right before the Feds arrested him. [Rush & Molloy]
• Tom Hanks vs. Jack Nicholson; SAG vs. AFTRA. [Rush & Molloy]
• LeRoi Moore, the sax player in Dave Matthews Band, has been seriously injured in an ATV accident. [TMZ]
• Tony Hawk and wife Lhotse welcomed their first child, a daughter named Kadence Clover Hawk. (Tony has three sons from a previous relationship.) [People]
• Will Audrina be topless in her new movie? Do you care? [Egotastic]
• Eddie Murphy might retire. I wish he'd quit before he made Meet Dave. [ONTD]
• Josh Hartnett will star in a stage adaptation of Rain Man — as the Tom Cruise character, not the Dustin Hoffman autistic savant. [UPI]
• McDonald's has a Devo-looking Happy Meal toy, and Devo is pissed. [UPI]
• Justin Timberlake is afraid of his momma. Justin says she's like, "'Answer me when I ask you a question!' and then I’d start to answer and she’d go, 'Shut up when I’m talking.'" [MSNBC]
• Is Shia LaBeouf dating Ginny Weasley? He's 22 and she's 17, btw. [ONTD]
• Lindsay Lohan and Lily Allen: Recording a duet! [OK!, via ONTD]
• Alleged illegitimate Lohan sister Ashley Kaufman wants a record deal. Of course. But! An "insider" says: "Ashley has more talent than Lindsay or Ali." [MSNBC]
• Today is Lindsay Lohan's birthday. What do you think she's getting from Sam? [PopSugar]

[Windsor, June 16. Image via INFDaily.]

[England, June 5. Image via INFDaily.]

[London, June 4. Image via INFDaily.]

MOE: Good morning sunshine! We get to talk about whores again today bc that's all that's happening!

MEGAN: You mean, that's all anyone cares about... I'm pretty sure there's still, like, nukes in North Korea and people dying in the Sudan and Iran being all dramatic and a Democratic primary today. But, yes, let us discuss the whoremongering presumably-soon-to-be-ex Governor of my home state of New York. The first Democratic Governor in 12 years!

MOE: Well, we could talk about how the Cuban psychologist who interviewed John McCain after a few years in the Hanoi HIlton is "leaning towards Obama"...but yeah, I'm thinking whores. And I'm thinking "things you may think are unsafe." What the fuck is a fucking prostitute supposed to think is unsafe?

MEGAN: I dunno, the kind of creepy fucking dude that insists on fucking you without condoms, disease be damned?
Because, God knows, you wouldn't want to mitigate your marital transgressions/risk to your spouse/crimes against womanity by having safe sex or anything so that you don't, you know, give your wife HIV without her knowledge and thus eventually kill her.

MOE: So what. Was he trying to self-destruct? What with the cell phone, the cash flow problems, the Mayflower Hotel? This was all I kept hearing last night on the shows. Like: this is too weird. Too crazy. He didn't try hard enough not to get caught. He's making his enemies too happy. Oh, and speaking of, last night TUCKER said something along the lines of, "It's always these secular moralists that turn out to be the biggest hypocrites" — um yeah, Tucker, go on speaking those sorts of inconvenient truths on national TV and you'll find yourself bumped off the ... oh wait! Anyway. So...personally I think, tough job, pressure, self-righteous prick, I'm going to put my jizz somewhere it's not supposed to go. NOT into a condom.

MEGAN: I mean, but, he's the Governor of New York, it's not like he actually had to, you know, pay for sex, even condomless sex. And given that the only lengths he went to not to get caught (as you said) only involved hiding the financials of it, which is what kicked off the investigation, it's not like a mistress (or several) would've been less discreet.
I'm going with something more deep-seated than simply stress and being a dirty whoremonger.
But, I'm biased. Guys that patronize whores wig me out. The rating system at the agency he used is even ookier. Like, hello Johns of the world, please rate the sexual services of the whores you use. Ew.

MOE: How creepy is that New York Magazine totally blogged about the way "Kristen" dealt with Client #9 a few days before this story broke???

Kristen, the prostitute, has just serviced a john. Rachelle, her boss, has asked her if he was "difficult," because, she says, this guy has asked for strange things in the past.

Kristen: "I don't think he's difficult. I mean it's just kind of like, whatever, I'm here for a purpose. I know what my purpose is. I am not a ... moron, you know what I mean. So maybe that's why girls think they're difficult. That's what it is, because you're here for a purpose. Let's not get it twisted. I know what I do, you know.

Rachelle: "You look at it uniquely, because no one ever sees it that way."

Kristen: "I have a way of dealing with that. I'd be like, listen dude, you really want the sex? You know what I mean?"

MOE: It's almost worth it for that.

MEGAN: Also, WHY WOULD YOU PAY A HOOKER EXTRA FOR SEX WITHOUT A CONDOM

MOE: For Clients 1-8 or whatever to be DICK GRASSO AND HENRY BLODGET AND JEFF SKILLING

MEGAN: It's like, omg, seriously? Seriously? Teenage daughters? Wife? Mistress? Your own health? Nothing?

MOE: Yeah I dunno. If you want sex without a condom, don't you just go to your wife?

MEGAN: Like, seriously, the Governor of New York is one of those dudes that thinks he can't come with a condom on?
You know what I say to those dudes?
I DON'T CARE IF YOU COME.
Because, really, while it's nice and all, I guess, for the dude to get off that is FAR from my number one priority.
Like, really, really, really far.

MOE: And wait, is that the whole "unspoken" part of this shit here? I think it is. That, hello, Silka not only had a sort of whore-y sounding name, she was kind of cerebral-hot, if on the skinny side (obviously, at 5'5 and 105 pounds Kristen was pretty skinny herself) and definitely, you know, sexually attractive. In my straight humble opinion.

MEGAN: Yes, his wife is definitely an attractive woman.

MOE: Now I know, I know, for every devastatingly hot woman out there there's some dude who is sick of fucking her, and they had been together a long time, but ...whores?
MEGAN: It should stand her in good stead when she finally finishes divorcing his dumb whoremongering ass and gets through therapy and starts to date again.

MOE: Do you think he just used to have illicit sex with like paralegals and strippers and crap and then he moved to Albany and it got more difficult?
Well no, I mean, look, she lives in New York, she is probably fucked.

MEGAN: Ha. I doubt he spends much more time in Albany than Pataki did, which is to say, not much.
But, also, I have seen at least one of my high school classmates get popped on a solicitation charge (it was in the papers) and rumor is at least another one did. Plus, two strippers in my graduating class alone. So, fucking whores: not that hard in Albany.

(For those people who don't obsessively track every detail about me, I grew up in Scotia, NY. It's outside of Albany.)
Also, the NY Post headline is sort of priceless: Ho, No!

MOE: Yeah I'm scanning that natch. So ... it's really uplifting that Wall Street feels so very very vindicated. Here Dick Grasso was just trying to hold onto the $200 million he so rightly deserved for running the fucking stock exchange and Spitzer gets all up in his shit. America's executives may never again know a legislator as innovative at chipping away at their paychecks as they are at finding clever ways to pump them up.

MEGAN: Sigh. I mean, do you think he was thinking about how to fuck Grasso while fucking the prostitute?
MOE: I don't know. I mean, how long had he been a client of the Emperor's Club? Is that clear? Rachelle made it seem like he had a long history of making whores feel dirty. (Such class!) Seriously he probably just has a small weiner. Not that I want to get into that, but isn't that, besides the overly large weiner, generally the reason those dudes don't like condoms?

MEGAN: Nope. I, ahem, (DAD: STOP READING HERE) have fucked dudes with small penii and ones with large and there's no correlation between that and the dudes that have tried to talk me out of condom usage. The only thing the dudes that try to talk a girl out of wearing condoms are the ones with the least respect for me and my choices.
Ok, that was really poorly written. The thing I meant to say is that the thing that the dudes who beg to lose condoms have in common are a lack of respect for me and my choices.
But, yes, I do agree that Eliot Spitzer probably has an insanely small penis in addition to being a disrespectful, hypocritical piece of shit.
Like, total micropenis.
Practically a clitoris, only less attractive and with less sensation.
MOE: O, condoms. No one has ever begged me not to use them but I am also not always the most vigilant person about their use but what the fuck, I don't get laid. I actually just don't want the shit inside me ever, but that is another story. Um, so I'm really glad my parents don't read Jezebel ever.

Okay, so...moving on to brighter subjects, David Paterson of Harlem seems like a stand-up replacement, eh?
MEGAN: Paterson is a stand-up guy. So much so that, well, apparently Spitzer was the only one who wanted him to be L.G.
MOE: Also he has a 13-year-old son who supports Obama and aspires to be an investment banker.
MEGAN: And he's reportedly not loved Spitzer's other little scandals this year, like the having the State Police track Joe Bruno and shit.
MOE: Ooooh, also he has run in the NYC marathon and plays basketball. And he is BLIND.
MEGAN: And he'll be the first African-American Governor of New York. He's a big Hillary supporter, btw, even if his son supports Obama.

MOE: Also I guess we had better mention Obama's name coming up in some email blah blah blah Rezko so the bias police don't go after us. (Hey, BTW guys, we're biased! We have opinions! Okay then!)
MEGAN: Yeah, I saw that. Took 'em long enough to work his name in there somehow. The trial started last week.
MOE: Oh yeah and Chris Hitchens slamming Prince Harry if anyone cares.

MEGAN: Uh, what the fuck, Hitchens? Show of hands who would rather be a dirty cougar and fuck Prince Harry than Christopher Hitchens even after he's had his sack waxed [Caution: Link is relatively safe for work, but may result in a loss of appetite or sexual desire as well as a desire to be blind]

• Oscar winner Marion Cotillard has conspiracy theories! She questions the attack on the World Trade Center towers: "We see other towers of the same kind being hit by planes. There was a tower, I believe it was in Spain, which burned for 24 hours. It never collapsed. None of these towers collapsed. And there (in New York), in a few minutes, the whole thing collapsed." Plus! She doubts Neil Armstrong! "Did a man really walk on the moon? I saw plenty of documentaries on it, and I really wondered," she says. "I don't believe all they tell me, that's for sure." [Variety]
  
• Are Britney and Adnan Ghalin dunzo? Did she throw his iPhone into the pool after finding "saucy" texts from another woman? [The Sun]
  
• Jennifer Lopez has indeed, as previously reported, named her twins Max and Emme. A reader points out that those were the names of the kids in the cartoon Dragon Tales. WTF? [CNN, YouTube]
  
• Colin Farrell is hooked on Russian steam baths. "There's something very basic about rubbing honey on your skin and going steaming with a bunch of strange Russian men," he says. Well, it's healthier than drugs and alcohol, for sure. [UPI]

• Jamie Lynn Spears' unborn kid is prolly a boy. Hopefully we won't be named Casey Lynn. [MSNBC]
• A new photography show features the tattoos of Lindsay Lohan. Highbrow! [Page Six]
• Family drama! Atonement star James McAvoy hasn't spoken to his father, James McAvoy Senior, in 21 years. And his 18-year-old half-brother, Donald, is in the clink for stabbing a man eight times. [Daily Mail]
• Simon Cowell doesn't believe in marriage, for financial reasons. "The truth is that you get married and in a year or two they clean you out! We have contracts with artists that are 120 pages long and last five years. Then you go into marriage with no contract and the laws are a thousand years old." [Mirror]
• Oh, and Simon was offered a million dollar deal to be the "face" of Viagra. His response: "Sorry, but that has to be a fucking insult." [The Sun]
• What??? A plot to kill Mick Jagger??? Oh... In 1969. [USA Today]
• Aussie model Gemma Ward, who was linked to Heath Ledger, says, "He told me to always be a punk and 'stand up for yourself.'" [Sydney Morning Herald]
• One of Paris Hilton's dogs is "mating" with the Yorkie of Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson. [Gatecrasher]
• While filming The Other Boleyn Girl, Scarlett Johansson was voted the world's sexiest woman by a men's mag. Some of the crew said she looked more like a grungy teenager; Scarlett heard and "lost her temper." Who could blame her? [UPI]
• Meanwhile, Scarlett is offering herself up on eBay; a night with her is being auctioned off for Oxfam. [Mirror]
• Paris Hilton has been seen hanging out with a "bearded guru." [Mirror]
• The spirit guide blessed a necklace Paris was wearing and then advised her to give it away, so some chick at Urth Cafe was the lucky recipient. [TMZ]
• Blind item! "Which single-ish A-list actor is back to his old ways since splitting with his wife? He was seen handing off a suspicious-looking vial to a hard-partying TV thesp who is about to hit the big screen." [Gatecrasher]
• Fall Out Boy Pete Wentz is opening a punk-themed unisex beauty parlor in his native Chicago, so everyone can be flatironed into oblivion. Joy! [Rush & Molloy]
• Jason Davis, brother of Mischa Barton's ex, Brandon Davis, was arrested for cocaine possession over the weekend. [TMZ]
• Mark Ronson is DJing Suri Cruises' 2nd birthday party? Seriously? [TMZ]
• Sophie Monk has released a statement: "Benji Madden did not leave me for Paris Hilton." Hmm, we never thought that, but whatever. Also: Paris has a new ring on her "engagement finger," is it from Benji? [People]
• Now that the writers' strike is over, Eva Longoria-Parker is getting back in shape, because apparently the pregnancy rumors stemmed from her gaining weight. Except she is plenty thin! What is wrong with people? [People]
• Prince Harry, back home from Afghanistan: "I wouldn't say I'm a hero. here were two injured guys who came back on the plane with us who were essentially comatose throughout the whole way. One had lost two limbs — a left arm and a right leg — and another guy who was saved by his mate's body being in the way but took shrapnel to the neck. Those are the heroes. Those were guys who had been blown up by a mine that they had no idea about, serving their country, doing a normal patrol." [People]
• Rapper Juvenile is "shocked and devastated" after learning that his 4-year-old daughter, her mother and another child were shot dead in their home in Lawrenceville, GA. [MTV News]
• Miley Cyrus and her dad are on the cover of a magazine called Cowboys & Indians. [ONTD]
• A judge dismissed part of actress Hunter Tylo's lawsuit against her late son's therapist. Her 19-year-old son drowned last October and Tylo sued the therapist, who had counseled the family. [UPI]
• Vanessa Williams and ex-husband Rick Fox were making the rounds Saturday, helping their daughter sell Girl Scout Cookies. [Concrete Loop]
• American Idol reject Robbie Carrico swears his hair is not a wig or weave. "I've been growing this hair for a very long time," Carrico says. Perhaps it's time to cut it off? [People]
• Mariah Carey on the cover of Allure! [The.Life Files]
• Will Ferrell's new flick was a dud at the box office, making a mere $15.3 million. [Reuters]

• Nicole Kidman's pregnancy has made her "voluptuous" and she is so happy. "I can't ask for anything more except big boobs. I've wanted Marilyn Monroe curves all my life." [Rush & Molloy]
  
• More on Angelina Jolie's op-ed piece for The Washington Post: She urges the US to help Iraqi refugees displace by the war. "What we cannot afford, in my view, is to squander the progress that has been made. In fact, we should step up our financial and material assistance." [People, WaPo]
  
• HX magazine asked: "If a 'Janet' drag queen had to battle a 'Madonna' drag queen, what advice would you give the 'Janet' queen? Janet Jackson replied: "Kick the bitch's ass!" [Perez Hilton]
  
• This was in Midweek Madness, but Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are back together. "Inside Kate & Owen's Hookup" is kind of a gross title for a gossip item. Depending on what your definition of "hookup" is. But like, vadge cam? Is that what we're talking about? [People]
  
• Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem: "It's getting pretty serious." [Page Six]

• In case you missed it in Midweek Madness, Nicole Richie has been offered the role of Roxie Hart in Chicago on Broadway. Give 'em the old razzle-dazzle! [Us]
• Amy Winehouse's husband, Blake Incarcerated, was in court in London this morning. He pleaded not guilty to the charge of conspiring to "pervert" the course of justice. [People]
• Guess who was not in court? Amy! She stayed home and "Good Blake," the sober one, came over. [Daily Mail]
• Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Patrick Dempsey and Kathy Bates are all named in a list of the "10 Worst Nude Films Scenes" of all time. [Page Six]
• Bruce Willis: Shouting lines from There Will Be Blood in an NYC restaurant, for the fun of it. [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which music manager with debts around town might want to pay up before his creditors go to the gossip columns with all the details of his secret S&M lifestyle?" [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! This is translated from Ted Casablanca: Which closeted TV star finally decided to have gay sex for the first time — and unknowingly ended up shagging a journalist, who's not being quiet about it? [E!]
• The United Negro College Fund will honor Denzel Washington for helping historically black colleges and universities and for assisting minorities in paying for education. Congrats! [USA Today]
• Funnyman Will Arnett is addicted to Xbox game "Call of Duty — he plays 15 hours a week and admits, "It's really embarrassing." Poor Amy Poehler. [Rush & Molloy]
• Rachael Ray shed real tears while taping her show after meeting a pit bull rescued from Michael Vick's dogfighting pits. [Rush & Molloy]
• Ellen cried on her show as she discussed the murder of Lawrence King, a 15-year-old who asked a male student to be his Valentine and then was shot by that student. [TMZ]
• Britney visited with her kids again yesterday. [TMZ]
• The visit was full of hugs and affection. Yeah, not really newsy. But there it is. [People]
• Oh, and Britney is working on a dance routine for a new video — "Hot As Ice" should be the next track! [E!]
• The driver who was racing Nick Hogan the night of the crash that left Hogan's friend in a coma has been sentenced to 90 days probation, 25 hours of community service and a $500 fine. [TMZ]
• Lindsay Lohan, in that horribly styled & shot story for Paper magazine: "Now I know what it's like to be an out-of-work actor, and how much it scares me." [People]
• Julianne Moore on three episodes of Desperate Housewives? Hmm. Downgrade. [ONTD]
• Pete Doherty was named Hero Of The Year at the NME awards? Is there a new definition of the word "hero"? [The Sun]
• MTV is not planning on playing Paula Abdul's new video — it hasn't even been submitted for consideration. It's that bad. [MSNBC]
• John Ritter's widow testified yesterday in the wrongful death suit she brought against his doctors. [USA Today]
• Will former Destiny's Child singer Kelly Rowland pose for Playboy? She does have new boobs. So. [Miami Herald]
• There was a tech glitch at the Technology, Entertainment and Design conference in Monterey, CA and Robin Williams saved the day by filling the dead air with jokes, hooray! [Wired]
• Check out this painting done by the younger of Tilda Swinton's two lovers. Not bad! [Village Voice]
• Justin Chambers, lying around without a shirt on. Good morning! [A Socialite's Life]

• "As for the question of whether the surge is working, I can only state what I witnessed: U.N. staff and those of non-governmental organizations seem to feel they have the right set of circumstances to attempt to scale up their programs. And when I asked the troops if they wanted to go home as soon as possible, they said that they miss home but feel invested in Iraq." From a thoughtful opinion piece written by...Angelina Jolie? Ummmm, does this mean she's joining her estranged dad in support of McCain? (Oh, and in case you were wondering, that's her with Gen. David Petraeus and some other broad earlier this month in Baghdad, where she supposedly did all the "observing" and "interviewing" she talks about in the column. ) [Washington Post]
  
• "Anyone who says they don't enjoy the army is mad - you can spend a week hating it and the next week it could be the best thing in the world and the best job you could ever, ever wish for. It has got so much to offer." That was Prince Harry before he went to Afghanistan, where he apparently saw actual gunplay. We hear it's not rare out there! A three month tour, on the other hand... [Times Of London]
  
• "Britney Spears is basically an analogy for the world." That's Rufus Wainwright. Leave it to the gays to cling to their cynicism.[NY Mag]

• Hey speaking of, one in a hundred Americans is in prison right now. I know, it sounds low. But expensive! Many states now spend as much on corrections as higher education. [Washington Post]
  
• "I believe Sen. Obama better stay focused on his campaign with Senator Clinton, neither of whom has secured their party's nominee yet." Guess who? It's George W. Could you tell from the grammatical error? Or did you see it on CNN. He said it all stern-like, like he was making a threat. But like, what's the threat? Such an intriguing man. [The Swamp]
  
• He also maintains there's no recession. Yeah, I'm with Rufus. [AP.]
  
• I want to have his babies of the day: Jeffrey Fisher, an attorney representing fishermen suing Exxon for that oil spill thing that happened back during the Cold War who still, admirably, has his sense of humor. [Wash Post]

[London, December 13. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

• Matt Damon has been crowned People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive." When he learned he was chosen, he turned them down — but the editors found his humility so sexy, they insisted! [The Early Show]
  
• Hmm, but Matt's cover is meh. You can almost feel his discomfort. [People]
  
• Headline News anchor Nancy Grace has been hospitalized with pregnancy complications following the birth of her twins on Nov. 4. After she had trouble breathing on her way to church, doctors found blood clots in her lungs. She's said to be recovering. [People]
  
• Kevin Federline has requested yet another emergency custody hearing. Homes is playing hardball! This time it's regarding that red light Britney Spears ran on November 8 — with the kids and the court-appointed monitor in the car. "Ms. Spears was being mobbed by paparazzi at the time," says Brit's attorney. "She was distracted. This was not blatant irresponsible driving on her part." Blah, blah, blah. [People]

• Jon Bon Jovi may run for governor of New Jersey someday? What's next, Britney Spears is the mayor of Vegas? Paris Hilton in charge of foreign relations and diplomacy? [Page Six]
• Oil heir Brandon Davis was seen "sweating profusely" at the Frederic Fekkai salon in New York. "His eyes were half shut," says a source. Uh, whose are not when they're being shampooed? [Page Six]
• Paul Sevigny says sister Chloe's love life is suffering because of TV show Big Love. "She gets maybe one day off in the week," he complains. [Page Six]
• Alec Baldwin wants Senator Hillary Clinton to think about childhood obesity before she votes on a bill that would give subsidies to farmers who provide products like cheese and sugar to schools. [Rush & Molloy]
• TV host Kelly Ripa: "I buy jeans that are tight in the rear end... I treat my cheeks like breasts in a pushup bra. I just reach down in there, lift them up and push them together. And they'll stay put if the jeans are tight enough in the seat." TMI! [Rush & Molloy]
• ER star John Stamos was harassed by a woman on a flight from Chicago to LAX, and the FBI got involved. Stamos didn't press charges and everyone in first class lived happily ever after. [E!]
• Lauren Conrad says what you see on The Hills is real, and she is "just friends" with Brody Jenner: "We're weird, we're whatever." [E!]
• The Spice Girls have five different L.A. mansions as they get ready for their world tour. "5 girls, 5 houses, 24 bedrooms, 29 bathrooms, 6 pools," notes the British press. [Mirror]
• Hugh Grant's Andy Warhol painting sold for £11 million last night (he paid £7 million for it in 2001). Nice investment! [Mirror]
• Amy Winehouse couldn't visit husband Blake Fielder-Civil in prison yesterday because he's only allowed one visitor per day and his mother, Georgette, got there first. See what happens when you stop for snacks and cigarettes? [The Sun]
• Oh, and Amy Winehouse's parents sent an ambulance to her house when they couldn't reach her last night; she came home unharmed. And probably saying "Calm the fuck down." [Daily Mail]
• Did Prince Harry and Chelsy Davy break up because she found text messages from another girl on his mobile phone? Sweetie, he's a player! Move on. [The Sun]
• Hannah Montana fans are suing the Miley Cyrus Fan Club because they couldn't get tickets for her concert. We predict a very special episode to come! [Yahoo News]
• People are wondering if Lindsay Lohan is addicted to shopping. Uh, yes. [ABC News]
• Discovery Health Network has pulled the series Plasic Surgery: Before And After after reports that the show's host, Dr. Jan Adams, operated on Kanye West's mother before she died on Saturday. [Washington Post]

• Kanye West's mother, Dr. Donda West, died Saturday in L.A. She was 58 years old. The cause of death has not been released. Dr. West was formerly the chair of Chicago State University's English Department. In her book, Raising Kanye, her son wrote in the foreword: "I have known my mom since I was zero years old. She is quite dope." [USA Today]
  
• Britney Spears has a new manager — her "friend" Sam Lufti. The same guy who may or may not have been trying to sell her emails to the tabloids. Stay classy, Brit! [Page Six]
  
• Uh, did Britney fail a drug test? [Perez Hilton]
  
• Maybe! The test came back positive, says a source. But the source also says it was a false postive. Maybe she had a poppy seed bagel? Also, did she run a red light with her kids (and court-appointed monitor) in the car — and not even notice, because she was texting? [TMZ]

• Oh, and is Britney on a medication called Provigil, which helps addicts kick cocaine? It was seen in her purse. Although it's also used to treat narcolepsy. It's hard to know what to think. [ONTD]
• View cohost Elisabeth Hasselbeck gave birth to a boy on Friday, and will call the show today to announce her son's name. YAWN. [People]
• Prince Harry and girlfriend Chelsy Day have split up. Some claim that Chelsy was fed up with Harry's playboy lifestyle. If you were a cute 23-year-old red-headed prince, would you settle down? [People]
• Amy Winehouse's husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, has been "crying non-stop" in prison. He was moved to a medical unit, which is supposed to calm him down. "He's crying for Amy," says a source. "He's more concerned about her." Amy is said to be "furious" she can't visit him until tomorrow. Messy stuff! [Mirror]
• Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis says his imprisonment is "an abuse of the criminal justice system." And that someone is trying to get "revenge"on him. Hmm, we thought it was because he filmed underage drunk girls showering together? [ABC News]
• Hip-hop impresario Russell Simmons loves critters: He's releasing an anti-dogfighting PSA. [Page Six]
• Rocker Lenny Kravitz worries when daughter Zoe's skirts are too short. Why are devoted dads so hot??? [Page Six]
• While Ashley Olsen is seeing Lance Armstrong, Mary-Kate is dating hockey player Sean Avery, who's apparently a cad. Watch out, M-K! [Page Six]
• Kate Hudson as seen making out with Heath Ledger??? Oy. We're having trouble keeping up. Also, ew. [Page Six]
• Marilyn Manson's girlfriend, Evan Rachel Wood, says she's not bisexual, but "there have been times where I have been attracted to a woman. I'm not afraid of sexuality. I think too many people get shit and get called skanky or a whore just because they are sexual." [Page Six]
• Is 43-year-old Desperate Housewives star Nicolette Sheridan pregnant? [Mirror]
• Entertainment Tonight's Mary Hart sat down with "famous puppy" Iggy — of the Ellen DeGeneres debacle — for some "exclusive footage." No, it's not a joke. [ET]

• Maddox Jolie-Pitt is taking classes at the Lycée Français on New York's Upper East Side. Oh, to be at those parent-teacher conferences! [Page Six]
  
• Michelle Williams was seen hanging out in Brooklyn with her girls. "She looked gorgeous," says a source. [Page Six]
  
• Style guru Tim Gunn wrote a book, but he was forbidden from mentioning Project Runway in it. Legal snafus like this make our head hurt! [Page Six]
  
• Busta Rhymes was supposed to be in court yesterday, but he Assistant DA was called for jury duty. Woo-ha! [Page Six]
  
• David Beckham may not play again this season. He still gets the $250 million, though. [Gatecrasher]
  
• Karrine "Superhead" Steffans claims that soon-to-be-divorced Shaquille O'Neal gave her $10,000 on their first "date." [Gatecrasher, 3rd item]
  
• R.I.P Luciano Pavarotti. [NY Times]

• Not-really-that-blind item! "Which actor with a troubled brother might want to deal with some issues of his own? He is constantly drunk on the set of his current film, say spies." Oh snap! [Gatecrasher, last item]
• Sopranos star James Gandolfini wants the U.S. out of Iraq and for you to watch his documentary about wounded soldiers on HBO, or else. [Rush & Molloy]
• Sean Diddy Combs denies fathering a baby in Atlanta but ex-girlfriend Kim Porter says that's one of the reasons she left him. [Rush & Molloy, 2nd item]
• Did Matrix director Larry Wachowski finally get a sex change? [Rush & Molloy, 7th item]
• The View will have two black best friends when Sherri Shepherd joins the show on September 10. Whoopi has already begun! [People]
• The idea of getting pregnant doesn't excite Charlize Theron because she "doesn't really want to look like a whale." [The Sun]
• Jenna Fischer, also known as Pam on The Office has separated from her husband after six years of marriage. [Reuters]
• Lily Allen would love a new boyfriend, but says, "I always think that no one is ever going to fancy me." Aw! You're adorable, Lily! Smile! [The Sun]
• Lily also says "I have my problems but they are nothing compared to Amy [Winehouse]'s." Lil has sent Amy flowers and a card. [Mirror]
• Sir Ben Kingsley has secretly wed "a Brazilian babe nearly half his age." Sir Ben says his new bride is "like an ancient mythological princess." We're gonna take his word for it. [The Sun]

• Jude Law was arrested for allegedly assaulting a photographer outside his home in West London. [The Sun]
  
• Is Chelsy Davy moving to London to be near boyfriend Prince Harry? Also, y so many ys? [The Sun]
  
• Britney's bodyguard has been formally charged with battery after last month's scuffle with paparazzi in Las Vegas. [Extra]
  
• Halle Berry, 41, confirms she is 3 months pregnant by her boyfriend, Gabriel Aubry, 32. Anyone want to volunteer to babysit? [People]
  
• Did Tommy Lee have sex on a banquette in the Hamptons? Maybe it would be news if he didn't.[Page Six]
  
• "We would drive around and listen to [David Bowie's album] Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars while enjoying a little marijuana." So says the guy who dated Madonna when she was 14 — just one of many stories uncovered by a biographer. [The Independent]
  
• Was Nicole Kidman secretly engaged to Lenny Kravitz at one point? [Page Six]

• Jamie Foxx, elevator diva! [Page Six]
• Zach Braff is now subjecting actress Shiri Appleby to his "charms." Bonus: she's Jewish! [Page Six]
• Newsflash! Criss Angel, of Mindfreak fame, is just a "press whore" who is "using" Britney for publicity — he's not even helping her with her MTV VMA performance. [Page Six]
• Ellen Barkin teases paparazzi. [Page Six]
• Owen Wilson's family doesn't want Kate Hudson anywhere near him. Ouch. [Gatecrasher]
• Katie Couric called a New York restaurant to have food delivered to her daughters — she made the call from Iraq. [Gatecrasher, last item]
• Paul McCartney and Renee Zellweger: "very cozy" ???? [