A freelance photog who's been tracking Prince George too closely for the royals' comfort just got his last warning from Prince William and his no-doubt terrifying army of lawyers.

Alert, alert! The spare has been deployed! Kensington Palace says that yes, Kate Middleton is officially pregnant with her second child. And lo, a thousand celebrity news editors and designers of high-end baby clothes offered their thanks unto the heavens. Here's everything we know.

Good news, East Anglia!!! Get stranded in the Chiltern Hills or grievously wounded in Norwich City Center (too much pedestrianization, imo), and a handsome literal prince might LITERALLY COME RESCUE YOU. Literal Prince William has taken a job as a medevac helicopter pilot with East Anglian Air Ambulance, which means…

LONDON, ENGLAND - JULY 22: Well wishers outside Kensington Palace as Prince George of Cambridge turns 1 on July 22, 2014 in London, England. Prince George of Cambridge was born at 16:24 on July 22nd, 2013 at St Mary's Hospital, London.

Poor Freddie Minnis might have already peaked at 11 months old. He's just won a contest to be a Prince George lookalike.

Prince George, heir to the throne of England, is turning one year old, thereby scoring his first Vanity Fair cover. And you know what that means: time for us to begin breathlessly speculating about the vacancy rate of Kate Middleton's reproductive organs!!!

Baby's first glossy!

Pippa Middleton, despite all of her Royalness by proxy, has been fired by the Daily Telegraph, where she was a “Sport and Social” columnist. Tragedy!

Kid, that's a lotta look.

Ever since Kate Middleton gave birth to Baby King George this July, tabloid writers have been eagerly sharpening their cattiest claws in preparation for snarking on the Royal's post-baby body. Kate even rhymes with WEIGHT, you guys! And her last name contains the word "TON!" THIS WILL BE THE MEANEST POST-BABY…

Two days before the 2013 Miss America pageant, Miss New York Nina Dalvuluri —the self-proclaimed Miss Diversity — was allegedly caught on tape calling outgoing Miss America Mallory Hagan "fat as fuck."* Keep it classy, ladies.

Heads up, casanovas! Good to know! Jenny McCarthy went on some radio show and talked glowingly about her blossoming relationship with old kid on the block Donnie Wahlberg. Turns out, he waited two weeks to call her after they first hung out, so of course she assumed he was a vagina-hating gay guy.

Proud new father Prince William told CNN that he and Kate Middleton's child — the Baby King of England — will spend his helpless infant days in a nursery decorated with the theme of "Africa." It's important to note here that when I say "Africa," I don't mean like all the terrible stuff that the British monarchy has…

Breaking: baby closely resembles many other babies— he's bald, sleepy looking, and confused. To be honest the dog looks like the one who is really winning the day here.

Prince William sat down for his first interview since Duchess Shinylocks gave birth, and he told CNN's Max Foster that wee Prince George is a "rascal." The tiny terror — who is not even one month old yet — apparently received some boisterous DNA from the Windsors. As William put it:

Bleh. Seven days out of Cliffside, where Lindsay Lohan served her 90 days of court-ordered rehab, she has allegedly been spotted partying with her friend-and-occasional-hookup Max George and sister Ali in Los Angeles. The party went all night, and a "source" (a pigeon? That disgusting oil heir Brandon "Firecrotch"…