Mitt Romney Delivers Useless Blow to Rick Santorum in Illinois

Mitt Romney has been projected to win the Illinois primary tonight by an impressive margin. This was expected, but nevertheless, Romney's pride and joy circuits are probably blowing out as we speak. Of course, Santorum will continue his quixotic quest for the presidency undaunted. Why would he do such a thing—other… »3/20/12 9:05pm3/20/12 9:05pm

A Nation Winces As Santorum Wins Alabama and Mississippi

Lord help us all. Tonight Rick Santorum won both the Alabama and Mississippi primaries, adding more slimy, frothy fuel to the loosely contained forest fire that is his campaign. While this probably won't matter much in the long run—except for further damaging the idea that Mitt Romney can appeal to voters in the… »3/13/12 11:30pm3/13/12 11:30pm

Mitt Romney Pulls Off Wins in Michigan and Arizona, Rains on Santorum's Parade

Mittens Romney, ftw! He handily defeated Santorum in tonight's Arizona primary, and Michigan has now been called in his favor too—though it remains possible that he'll win the popular vote there but not the delegate vote. They allocate their delegates on a proportional basis, and the count is still being listed as too… »2/28/12 10:35pm2/28/12 10:35pm

Callista Gingrich Finally Opens Her Mouth and Is Not Totally Terrible

The only thing most of us know about Callista Gingrich is that she has a frighteningly perfect blonde bob—well, that and she was totally happy to be lying in bed with her lover Newt while he talked on the phone to his wife. Now that they're legit in the eyes of God, she's always at Newt's side during events, yet she… »2/20/12 12:00pm2/20/12 12:00pm

We Nominate Jon Huntsman's Daughters For President

The lone reasonable-seeming candidate in the whackadoo 2012 Republican presidential field seems to be former Utah governor Jon Huntsman, and even though he looks like a Mormon Billy Bob Thorton and hasn't publicly disavowed science, he's failed to make enough of an impression on voters to poll above the single digits.… »11/03/11 5:00pm11/03/11 5:00pm