Recently, newly official presidential candidate Hillary Clinton visited an Ohio Chipotle. Because we’re all strapped into the vomit-smeared Tilt-a-Whirl that is an American election cycle, this was news. BIG NEWS.

Hopeful that a foray into 1984 fashion would bring about a 1984-style President with Reaganesque hair, Sarah Palin, expert clause attacher, appeared on Fox News last night to appear very worried and upset, and let America know that we're living in a "perplexing time." That makes one of us, Sarah.

There are people — Americans! — who are currently attempting to vote for President. Unfortunately, the lines are DMV long, there aren't enough voting machines in Ohio (thanks, John Husted, ya jagoff!), and it's very cold and boring to stand in line. To remedy this and keep people's spirits up, why not send those on…

Good morning, fellow binderfolk! Hope you were able to get some sleep after last night's Presidential debate, despite the fact that you know now that Mitt Romney has been personally stalking you for several years. So, let's take an alphabetical journey through what we learned.

There are few things more embarrassing than being asked to hold someone else's baby only to have that baby immediately explode into hysterics. Chalk it up to the widely accepted notion that small children — like dogs and horses and Jedi — somehow possess an extrasensory level of bullshit detection lost to normal adult…

Now that he's picked a running mate who basically believes that fetuses should run things, Mitt Romney seems to have his "pro-life" cred sewn up. After all, he's against abortion, his friends are against abortion, and his new bromantic partner is super extra against it. And that should bring all the religious…

Some sunny side up Suzies might claim that all this political negativity is getting them down, but I love this part of the election cycle, the part where both major parties pretend that if they're elected, the needs of women will be their #1 highest priority. This week, the courtship of the American lady voter…

Finally, the political world can exhale — after months of anticipation, former adult film star Jenna Jameson has announced who she will be voting for in this November's Presidential election: former Massachusetts governor, possibly non-taxpaying rich cartoon dad Mittens Romney. But her reasoning behind her choice is…

Your most productive plans for the Fourth of July might involve a vodka-infused watermelon, but Mitt Romney probably won't be doing much relaxing during his annual family vacation at his lakefront home near Wolfeboro, New Hampshire (which includes a terrifying-sounding activity called the "Romney Olympics," Oh My…

Well, Mitt Romney finally clinched the Republican nomination, also known as the National Competition to Prove Who Loves Unborn Children the Most. The presidential hopeful had to make a whole lot of anti-already-born-women promises to win that title: he said on record that he believes Roe v. Wade should be overturned,…

Last week, we all learned that GOP Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney was kind of an alpha dick in high school. But there's another side to Mitt Romney, a side that is actually kind of nice sometimes to people within his own religious community or people to whom he is personally connected. Um, congratulations for…

After years of being out-deceived by men, women are finally catching up. And leading the charge is Minnesota dynamo Michele Bachmann, obliterating the Lies-Out-The-Ass Ceiling and clearing the way for the rest of America's female liars to believe that they too can fake it all the way to the top. How much did she fib…