MOE: Ohhhhh mann, I'm still like on Seattle time or something
MEGAN: I'm on "got home at midnight after an 8 hour drive" fog.
MOE: What should we talk about? Yikes!
MEGAN: Oh, see, I was going to suggest that we talk about how Alaskan Republican Senator Ted "Series of Tubes" Stevens was indicted on 7 counts yesterday, but fetish hookers is way more prurient. Also, rumors around the courts here in D.C. is that touchy-feely ass-grabbing Congressman Don Young is next. Actually, that's just been the rumor for a while, but doesn't it sound cooler when I semi-source it?
MOE: Isn't just the fact that Alaska has two senators corruption in itself?
MEGAN: Well, they do have a whole 100,000 more people than Washington, DC, so of course they deserve 2 Senators and a Congressman and D.C. shouldn't get either.
Geek moment: Did you know that there are more people in Hawai'i than Alaska? Like, almost twice as many.
MOE: Yes. Does that surprise you? Any more than, like, this? Oh god I need coffee.
MEGAN: Back to Stevens, the most hilarious thing of all is that they couldn't charge him with bribery because sometimes he just took the lavish gifts from Veco and told them to fuck off! It's sort of like how Congressmen and Senators feel about campaign contributions only flashier (now including a Land Rover and a Viking Grill!).
As a white resident of upstate New York, I particularly like this statement of Sharpton's:

"We have all made mistakes. We have all erred, and we ought not try to sugar coat when we err."

Oh, really, Al?
MOE: The Ted Stevens thing reminds me of when I used to cover Nike for the Journal, and the guys from SLAM just couldn't figure out why I wasn't allowed to take free shoes. "Sure, it's bribery, but when EVERYONE bribes you you're still objective!"
MEGAN: "As long as you 'slam' them later," right? (Apologies for the bad but necessary pun).Speaking of apologies...
MOE: Jesus this totally makes the AMA's timing look COMPLETELY NORMAL!

In February, the Senate apologized for atrocities committed against Native Americans, and the body apologized in 2005 for standing by during a lynching campaign against African Americans throughout much of the past century. Twenty years ago, Congress apologized for interning Japanese Americans in concentration camps during World War II.

MEGAN: Well, you know, they're really, really worried about reparations. That's, like, a completely legitimate concern.
MOE: As I'm sure is the fact that there is a lot in those Jim Crow laws some Americans still would like to resurrect! Sorry, that's a year old, but I didn't remember it until today.
MEGAN: Luckily for Jonah and at the behest of plenty of Republican state governments, states are passing government-ID laws to make it more difficult for people to vote, especially poor people. You heard, right, that the first people fucked over by that law were a bunch of nuns and students? But it was the Democratic primary, so that was the intention, anyway, to keep Democrats from voting, so hooray Indiana for designing a law that actually works as it was intended. Sort of hooray. More like, um, FUCK YOU Mitch Daniels. Cialis was marketed under his tenure at Lilly, by the way. You knew he was a pharmaceutical company exec before he was OMB Director before he was Governor of Indiana, right?
MOE: Uh no but doesn't that just make this world make a little more sense! That and this guy. Um I just blew some of my literacy reading this. Also, is it just me or is it surprising that nuns of all people would not have their IDs ready? I know they probably don't get carded too often, but isn't it in the nun personality type?
MEGAN: But why would they need an ID? And, yes, OMG, can we please, please, please stop dumbing Michelle Obama down so that people think she's more like them? Please? It makes my brain hurty. Oh, and did you see that the International Olympics Committee negotiated a secret deal with the Chinese to limit journalists' internet access?
MOE: God everytime I think I know how full of shitheads the IOC is I am proved wrong. Who are these IOC officials anyway? Hey, maybe there's a job for Mitt Romney!
MEGAN: Someone's got to give him on eventually if McCain won't. His hair is too bulletproof to retire.
MOE: So $15,000 a month is Rielle Hunter's hush money . I feel like we should do a poll on how much you'd ask if you'd been knocked up by a filthy rich presidential candidate. I think fifteen grand is good, because there's not a whole lot an unimaginative person like myself can't do on that money, but it's not so disgusting people will question her genuine love for the bastard. But hey, where's the "real father" Andrew Young in all of this?
MEGAN:Apparently, getting paid off by the same middleman! That's $180,000 a year, or, if it continues at the same rate, $3.24 million over the next 18, not including tuition. I don't think I'll make $3 million in the next 18 years. Also, can we just discuss how exactly the Enquirer knew that Rielle was in the hotel, whose name she checked in under and when Edwards would show? Because between that and the news that she's negotiating a paid interview, I don't think the "hush" part of the money is working.

So is this another case of a former significant other allegedly murdering a fellow soldier? It certainly looks like it. Let's not forget Holley Wimunc, another Fort Bragg solider who was allegedly murdered by her estranged husband and fellow soldier who was stationed at Camp Lejeune. Another pregnant female solider stationed at Fort Bragg was also murdered in January, allegedly by a colleague she had accused of rape. So not only have female Fort Bragg soldiers experienced sexual violence from co-workers but they have also experienced physical violence with male soldiers that they have had relationships with. Is this a disturbing trend, or few unrelated tragedies gaining public attention?

Man Charged In Slaying Of Pregnant Soldier [CNN]
Questions Remain In Slaying Of Pregnant Soldier [Sentinel And Enterprise]

• Jennifer Garner's Alias spydaddy, Victor Garber, spills that Jen and Ben have a bun in the oven. "She is five months pregnant," he says. They are very happy." [Us Magazine]
• Is Uma Thurman knocked up? [Rush & Molloy]
• People, this is crazy but the Michael Lohan paternity test (remember Ashley Kaufman?) has been delayed. Last week a commenter said that on Maury they can get it done in like 2 days. But apparently the testing company in this case won't process the test without a court order. Michael's going to see if he can get one. [Yahoo News]
• Keith Urban says being a new dad is "pure bliss" and that he and Nicole Kidman are "absolutely overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and well wishes we are receiving." [People]
• A settlement is likely in the Britney/Kevin custody case — meaning it won't go to trial, thank Zeus. [People]
• This just in! The case has been settled. Kevin will get sole legal and physical custody. Britney will have visitation rights. Pending court approval. [Yahoo News, People]

• You know how it was reported that Britney is working on a new album? It was kind of a trick to get her to actually work on her new album. [Page Six]
• A warrant has been issued for Pete Doherty's arrest over claims he yanked a camera from a photographer's neck causing hundreds of dollars in damage. Dude, didn't you just get out of the clink not long ago? [The Sun]
• Paris Hilton's big feet mean she'll have an easy birth? This story reads, "Doctors say big-footed women – such as Paris Hilton, who wears a UK size 10 – are likely to have a large pelvis and so find childbearing easier." Um, yay? [The Sun]
• Writer Polly Hudson says: "Gwyneth Paltrow did the best thing for women since that one who chained herself to stuff in black and white times. She went out without any make-up on." Gwyneth Paltrow, hero to women? [I disagree. -Ed.] [Mirror]
• Miranda Kerr's rep says she has not split with Orlando Boom despite reports that she was seen snogging ex Brandon Davis. Whatever could be going on? [The Sun]
• Are Jen Aniston and Miley Cyrus teaming up? Apparently Jen wants MC to be her costar in an upcoming film. Jen would play an overbearing stage mother; Miley would play the up-and-coming singer. Two big personalities, one film. Question: Has Jen ever been in a good movie? Or is she box office poison? [Star]
• Is Barry Manilow okay? His weight has "plummeted," say the tabs. And he looks a wee frail in these pix. [Daily Mail]
• Bono and The Edge from U2 have won a four-year legal battle to gut and expand their 1930s Art Deco Dublin hotel, the Clarence, into a futuristic landmark. It's the architectural heritage vs. moving forward argument, and heritage lost. [AP]
• Tom Cruise lost a movie role, maybe because he wanted too much money. He seems to think he can still get a $20 million salary. [Fox News]
• Do not stand between 50 Cent and his son. Fiddy wants to see his son! [Yahoo News]
• When Sigourney Weaver was nine, she asked her mother if she thought she was pretty. Her mom said, "No dear, you're just plain." Her mom died 11 months ago and Sigourney says: "We had a difficult relationship. My mother was a difficult person to know. She was very, very private. I am grateful for the five years that I had with her towards the end where we became very good friends." [Mirror]
• Antonio Sabato Jr. on Rachel Hunter: "She's a big girl, but she's sexy as hell." [TMZ]
• This is an awesome headline: "Porn Star In Taxxx Bust." Janine Lindemulder is facing a federal criminal rap for failing to pay about $80,000 in income taxes. She's the ex-wife of Monster Garage's Jesse James. Anyway: Maybe she can get some advice from Wesley Snipes? [The Smoking Gun]
• Showtime is on the verge of greenlighting a dark comedy series starring Edie Falco. She'd play a "strong-willed, iconoclastic New York nurse juggling the frenzied grind of an urban hospital and an equally challenging personal life." The woman is awesome. Who wouldn't buy what she's selling? [Yahoo News!]
• Dennis Farina pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor charge of bringing a weapon into a secure area at LAX. Dude had a loaded, concealed gun at the airport! Anyway he can't own or carry a gun for several months now, boo hoo. [AP]
• Shonda Rhimes, creator and executive producer of Grey's Anatomy, speaks out about Katherine Heigl. "I have a really wonderful working relationship with Katherine. And I love and respect her as an actress. And everyone knows that Izzie is one of my favorite characters. So, for me, [the comment that Heigl made about not having material that was Emmy-worthy] was surprising, but Katie is an outspoken person and I think we all know that already." She also says: "The first half of season she had a very strong story line with George that played out more comedically. The second half, Katherine asked me to write her light so that she could work on her movie… I didn’t feel insulted." [LA Times]
• Desperate Housewives creator Marc Cherry jokes that Katherine made the comments because "She was drunk." [People]
• Speaking of Grey's, Isaiah Washington has just made a big donation to the Equality California fund that's working to stop the anti-marriage amendment on the November California ballot. His publicist had a same-sex wedding over the weekend and asked friends and clients to donate in lieu of gifts. [Perez Hilton]
• More hair, more boobs, more butt: E! has picked up Keeping Up With The Kardashians for a third season. [Yahoo News]
• Kanye West does not have a ghostblogger! He blogs himself! He wants you to know this! So he posted pictures of himself blogging. On his blog. [KanyeUniversecity, via Concrete Loop]

The good news is that most of the women questioned said that they were grateful to be able to "order" an abortion online. And, as Angela Phillips of the Guardian points out, no abortion method is 100% safe. Women On Web will only mail the drugs to countries where abortion is restricted. Customers must answer 25 questions before they're allowed to purchase the drugs, and women are advised to have a pregnancy test and an ultrasound if possible. An American woman with a rare medical condition that makes pregnancy life-threatening used the service while in Thailand. "Women on Web kept in contact with me via e-mail. The medication arrived through Customs, properly blister-packed, with complete paperwork and a doctor's signature," she says. Audrey Simpson, director of The Family Planning Association in Northern Ireland, tells the BBC the website was "helpful and reputable." But she notes: "For Northern Ireland women, it is encouraging them to break the law - and as an organisation, we have to work within the law." Josephine Quintavalle, spokesperson for the anti-abortion group Comment on Reproductive Ethics says online abortions trivialize the value of the unborn child. Angela Phillips' take on that?

Is it ethical for any government to deny women access to a safe back-up arrangement when accidents happen? Forcing a woman to have a baby she doesn't want is not moral or ethical. It's not moral or ethical to bring babies in the world who are not wanted and may not be loved.

One one hand, isn't an abortion is something that needs to be done in the safest way possible? Would you feel comfortable putting your trust in drugs you received in the mail? On the other hand, as we've previously discussed, a coat hanger is much more dangerous, and it's not a myth. Seventy thousand women die each year — one every seven minutes — from botched abortions. So when the Telegraph runs a headline like, "Women Risk Health By Using Abortion Websites," couldn't the argument be made that they also risk their health by not using Women On Web?

Just a note: when digging into this story, I tried to log on to Women on Web and it was down, due to "Too many connections." Publicity as a blessing and a curse?

Women 'Using Web For Abortions' [BBC News]
Anti-Abortion Campaigners Have Labelled The Development ‘Worrying’” - Well, Duh! [Cherries On Top]
Study Highlights Danger Of Abortion Pills Bought Online [Guardian]
Women Risk Health By Using Abortion Websites [Telegraph]
Easy Access To Abortion Makes Sense [Angela Phillips for The Guardian]
Related: Women On Web
Earlier: The Coat Hanger "May Be The Symbol, But Is In No Way A Myth," Says Pre-Roe OB-GYN

Australian crime victims are demanding that convicted rapist Mike Tyson be barred from entering Australia and "totted out as a celebrity, like some kind of Mother Theresa." • Former Indian septic-tank cleaners and other female "untouchables" put on a fashion show at the U.N. honoring a for-profit organization to help untouchables. • A teen girl in Colorado is sentenced to 18 years in prison after killing her half-sister in a "Mortal Kombat" fight reenactment. • Bob Dylan's ex-girlfriend and muse (and the woman pictured with him on the iconic cover of The Freewheelin' Bob Dylan) breaks her silence in a new memoir about the '60s. • Victims of a peeping tom case in Seattle are blamed by the peeper's wife for "putting on a show" because of their broken blinds. • Two more teens videotaped themselves beating up a fellow classmate and putting it on the internet. One word for these girls: idiots. • Gender-based violence and harassment in the workplace continues to run rampant in Bangladesh. • Game makers attempt to woo young girls with a new game that is essentially a lamer version of Guitar Hero.• Could the HPV vaccine cause teen paralysis? • Deliriously cute Leftovers video: ducklings in a bathtub!

We all know the rhyme: First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. But is such thinking just terribly old-fashioned? Does anybody care what order you do things in anymore?

Celebrities may not be proper role models, but you can't deny — from Johnny Depp to Halle Berry to Nicole and Joel — these days, cohabitation and kids without a marriage license is par for the course. While Ms. Widdecombe might also think children out of wedlock "sad," is the concept that there must be a marriage before a pregnancy just antiquated?

Pregnant Brides Now Have Their Own Shop [Telegraph]

But this joyous occasion did not come without a price. In a personal essay in the Advocate, Thomas writes about all of the prejudice he faced when trying to find adequate medical care. One doctor, "after a $300 consultation, reluctantly performed my initial checkups. He then required us to see the clinic's psychologist to see if we were fit to bring a child into this world and consulted with the ethics board of his hospital. A few months and a couple thousand dollars later, he told us that he would no longer treat us, saying he and his staff felt uncomfortable working with 'someone like me.'" Even Thomas's own brother was unkind, telling Thomas after his first pregnancy turned out ectopic, "It's a good thing that happened. Who knows what kind of monster it would have been."

Thomas isn't the only transmale facing difficulties. In last Sunday's New York Times Magazine, there was a story about the opposition transmen are facing at women's colleges. The piece profiled Rey, a college freshman who started his university career at Barnard, only to transfer to Columbia because of the number of issues he faced. According to writer Alissa Quart, Rey is not alone in his alienation: "Many trans students feel themselves to be excluded or isolated at women's schools and at coed colleges. Some talk of being razzed or insulted by fellow students." But Quart also discusses the question of how colleges meant for women are supposed to serve people who no longer identify as women in the first place.

Will society ever be able to accommodate all the facets of the gender spectrum? Or will cases like Thomas's and Rey's always be a struggle for acceptance and personal freedom?

Labor Of Love [The Advocate]
When Girls Will Be Boys [New York Times]

[Brentwood, CA; March 17. Image via Flynet.]

[Paris, March 4. Image via Splash.]

We didn't start this rumor btw.

[New York, February 19. Image via INFDaily.com.]

[West Hollywood, February 14. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

OK!
"Angie's Joy, Jen's Pain." Intern Sharon didn't even read the whole cover story because she's so sick of Angelina vs. Jennifer crap. But she sums the article up thusly: "Jennifer is 'upset' by the fact that 'she'll never bear Brad's babies.' Ugh!" There are, however, two pages of "Silver Foxes": Tim Gunn, Harrison Ford, Anderson Cooper and George Clooney. Yay! Also inside: During a photo shoot, Kim Kardashian ate a cheeseburger, a taco, a bite of a hot dog, a bite of KFC and two doughnuts. For lunch. Jaime Lynn Spears picked up 5 lbs. of crawfish for her baby daddy's dinner. She also likes to go to Sonic and order cheesecake bites dipped in barbecue sauce. Dannielynn Birkhead's eye condition is called strabismus, and she's getting surgery in early March. Does anyone know if that is connected to fetal alcohol syndrome?
Grade: D (hail)

Life & Style
"This Is Crazy!" Angelina took a 19 hour flight to Iraq — alone! She also traveled outside of the country's green zone. OMG. She spent most of her time talking to soldiers, and went on the trip in order to highlight the fact that 60% of Iraqi refugees are younger than 12. Intern Sharon says, "She should adopt one!" Also inside: Madonna's party for Malawi raised $5.5 million. Did Britney "lose" $60 million? She's being audited and her parents think Sam Lutfi was using her cash to pay his rent. Plus private planes, hotel rooms, shopping and an entourage don't come cheap. Right now her dad is giving her $60 a day, and if she needs more she has to explain why. Meanwhile, sis Jamie Lynn was seen in a Louisiana Wal-Mart looking depressed. Also: Fergie spent $30,000 in 2 hours at Calvin Klein in NYC; Sam Lufti was at Paris Hilton's birthday party and didn't leave her side all night; the Olsen twins go out, but they don't party out of happiness... they have trust issues and blah blah blah. Heidi Montag is turning to choreographer Shane Sparks for dance-move assistance. He plans on helping her by combining the styles of Britney, Beyoncé, Ciara and Chris Brown.
Grade: D+ (sleet)

Us
"Michelle's Final Goodbye." One of the first things you see when you open the magazine is a picture of John Mayer in a Borat-style lime green swim contraption*, which is great, since the cover story is so damn sad. Many of the details of Heath's funeral are here: Michelle broke down while reading Shakespeare's Sonnet 18, which begins, "Shall I compare thee to summer's day." Then she and the other mourners walked into the ocean, where they slapped the water and yelled Heath's name like they wanted him to hear. Also inside: Upon checking into a NYC hotel, Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham was pissed no paparazzi had followed her. "Where are the photographers? I want them alerted that I'm here!" she reportedly said. She also had lunch at Michael's and her date was late — Posh was seen sitting alone at her table fiddling with her BlackBerry and twitching in her seat for half an hour. The nerve of some people! Plus: After reading comments from people who hated her music video, Heidi Montag says, "I cried myself to sleep. I'm just a 21-year-old from a small town in Colorado trying to follow her dreams." Spencer Pratt says, "I don't think I need to defend it, it's a piece of art." Also a piece of art: The surely staged photo accompanying this article, which features Heidi sitting on a curb, holding her CD and weeping as Spencer ardently kisses her head. Lastly, Britney is making "baby steps" on the road to recovery, and her mom says she sees glimpses of her daughter coming back. Yet she continues to speak in a British accent! But Brit has no credit cards and no cash right now; she's basically grounded.
Grade: C (rain)

In Touch
"I Don't Want My Kids Back." Britney's been talking to her first husband, Jason Alexander. He claims Brit says she wants to see her boys, but doesn't want to be a full-time mom. She feels like she can always have other kids later on. (!!!!) Also inside: While Angelina was in Iraq, she wasn't scared at all — though she did wear a bullet-proof vest and have a security team of 10... the security cost of visit reportedly ran up to $100,000. Michael Lohan tells the magazine that daughter Lindsay has been on Oxycodone, Adderall, Xanax and Ambien, "But most young people shouldn't be on some of these medications. Instead, they should get spiritual guidance and exercise." Meanwhile, Lindsay was seen swapping numbers with Josh Hartnett at NYC hotspot Beatrice Inn. Lastly: Jason Biggs' fiancée is pregnant;Destiny's Child singer Kelly Rowland was upset that her solo CD didn't do as well as she'd hoped (But! She got a boob job); while the writers' strike was on, a lot of stars went off their diets — "they soften up when they're not working," the mag says. Yet they are all still very thin!
Grade: C+ (flurries)

Star
"Married In Mexico!" Britney and Adnan Ghalib had a quickie wedding back on January 9, but it's taken everyone this long to figure it out! When Britney accused her mom of sleeping witih her husband, it wasn't Kevin she was talking about — her "hubby" is Adnan. Since the elopement took place four days after she was rushed to the hospital and declared 5150, there's no telling what her mental state was during the nuptials. Plus: Adnan gets free Ed Hardy clothing on the condition that he wears it when he's with Britney (and gets photographed in it). Also inside: Knocked-up Jessica Alba says, "Every couple of hours, I turn into Satan if I don't eat something." Josh Hartnett and Helena Christensen were seen hanging all over each other; they're clinging to each other for comfort after Heath's death. Madonna probably had an eye and eyebrow lift, as well as Botox and fat injected into her face, since her eyes look different, her forehead has no lines and she's got apple-cheeks. Blind item! "Which hot TV star who is dating an award-winning singer likes to play while the cat is away? The actor has been busy making the round during NYC's fashion week trying to score with lots of ladies." Jennifer Aniston, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are all named as co-hosts of a pre-Oscar benefit in Beverly Hills on February 23. "Brad is prepared for a knock-down, drag-out fight," claims a source. Another insider says: "If Jen is nice, Angie will be nice. If Jen is mean, Angie will let her have it." Jamie Lynn Spears is known for "drinking to get wrecked." She even drank mouthwash. Residents of Kentwood, LA are spilling all her business: "I know for a fact that [baby daddy] Casey was not her first," says one. "There were at least two others." Plus! JLS was at a party recently and made out with the host. The guy asked if she'd broken up with Casey, to which Jamie Lynn reportedly replied, "I'm pregnant. I can have have sex with anyone I want. I can't get pregnant again." When that guy ran away, JLS left with some other dude, who told everyone the next day that yeah, they had sex. But now she's going to move out of her mom's house an into a double-wide trailer. "That's how we do it in Louisiana," says a source. Kirsten Dunst is a drunk, maybe because, growing up, she always had to please her mom, her acting coaches or directors and not herself. Sigh. Heath Ledger had Oxycodone in his system when he died, but there was no bottle of those pills found in the apartment. Did Mary-Kate's bodyguard arrive before the police and remove it? "The person who provided Heath those drugs can be held responsible and possibly be charged with manslaughter," says a former medical examiner. Lastly: Kirstie Alley is "lonelier than ever and packing on the pounds again"; iIn a will-they-or-won't-they wedding story that's 6 pages long, Angelina and Brad may have a Buddhist ceremony; Jessica Alba is pressuring Cash to set a date; Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts will get hitched in Australia before the end of the year; and it doesn't look good for Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo: "All they do is fight."
Grade: B (blizzard with schools & offices closed)

*As seen here.

Pregnant! [Funny Or Die]

OK!
"Yes, Angie's Pregnant!" At the SAG awards ceremony, Angelina had morning sickness in the evening, says someone working the event. "I thought she was going to lose it right there at the table." She had her food taken away and Brad had his taken away too. As for other pregnancies, Cash Warren says fiancee Jessica Alba "gets cranky when she's hungry." Who doesn't? In other news, Mary-Kate was seen out dancing to a band two days after Heath Ledger was found dead. A friend says in 2006, Heath was hanging out in a hotel and "drank everything in the mini bar" and was looking for cocaine. But when he was high Heath talked about how much he loved Matilda and said he loved Michelle but couldn't see himself marrying her. Plus, some think Nicole Richie is a little blue after having her baby, but will turn to work: She's going to put out an album, a jewelry line and a style book.
Grade: F (Sno Balls)

Us
"Heath Ledger's Secret Struggles." Sources say Heath Ledger would drink to get drunk and that Michelle Williams wanted him to get drug-tested before she'd let him spend time with Matilda. Also, she drove him to Promises rehab in Malibu and he wouldn't get out of the car — he swore he'd clean up on his own. In Britney news, she may be finally getting help: Sam Lutfi told Barbara Walters that she's been to a psychiatrist and is maybe starting some kind of treatment. (But Britney had an attitude about it and wasn't taking it seriously.) Monday, Britney's mother tried to get her to go to an in-patient psychiatric facility and Britney refused, sneaked away and asked Adnan Ghalib to come pick her up. Also inside: Kate Moss is planning legal action against UK tabloid News Of The Word because the paper reported that she celebrated her birthday with an orgy.
Grade: D- (Honey Bun)

Life & Style
"Angelina's Dangerous Pregnancy." The magazine has some random ob/gyn named Randy Fink say things like Angelina could go into pre-term labor, suffer from high blood pressure or have "extra stretching of abdominal skin." Isn't that stuff applicable to any pregnant woman? The mag also notes that Angie was "alarmingly skinny" just a few months ago. What else? Britney Spears went to see 27 Dresses and left the theater in tears! Her mom, Lynne Spears, is trying to juggle Jamie Lynn and Britney's demands: Britney says she feels like she can't get her boys back without her mom's help, but Lynne says "Jamie Lynn's my baby and I will always be there for her." Meanwhile, Jamie Lynn bought her baby daddy a used truck: Her dad wasn't happy with the old truck her boyfriend was driving his daughter around in, so they went to get something nicer. In Heath news: Matilda Ledger is "The Baby Heath Left Behind" : A L.A. neighbor says "he was such a good dad, he taught Matilda to swim in our pool." Another source says that after Michelle kicked Heath out, his drug use got worse than ever. As for Mary-Kate, she's been spotted at several NYC bars and nightspots and insiders says he partly blames herself for Heath's death because she partied with him. Lastly, Nicole Richie is so thin "looks like she was never pregnant" ; Tori Spelling is pregnant again, and motherhood is changing Nicole Kidman; an insider says "It's as if Nicole's face is suddenly thawing." Sweet.
Grade: D (pork rinds)

In Touch
"What Mary-Kate Knows" Lots more here about MK calling her bodyguard instead of 911. Also, apparently Heath had a bit of a late night before he died; his last phone call was made at 2:20 A.M. and his blood alcohol level was high. In other news: Madonna has mysterious bruises under her eyes and it could be from a filler called Sculptra, which causes more bruising than Botox or Resytlane. Or it could be lower eyelid surgery! Madge turns 50 in August, maybe she wants to look ageless? Plus,Angelina will have three more babies this year: Angie is pregnant with twins — twins run in the Pitt family; Brad's sister has twins — and also the couple still plans to adopt an Ethiopian girl they had their eye before Angie got knocked up. And Matthew McConaughey says of his unborn spawn: "He or she will hang out at the beach and go on hikes wearing wild bandanas." Lastly, The List this week is "They Hooked Up With The Help" — Usher fell in love with a stylist; Ethan Hawke is dating the nanny; Patrick Dempsey married his hair stylist.
Grade: D (quarter water; aka sugary "juice" in a plastic barrel)

Star
"Yes, It's True!" Angelina's having twins! During the Critics' Choice awards, she ordered Oreos and Doritos, even though they weren't on the menu. The mag says Angie and Brad tried to conceive a few times before the in vitro took. Also: Portia de Rossi has been ignoring Ellen DeGeneres because she's addicted to Guitar Hero III and Halle Berry is anxious about being knocked up and doesn't want to appear matronly so she's looking for designer ensembles she can wear instead of maternity clothes. In other news, John Mayer has had a thing for Paula Abdul for years but is weird and shy about it and Tom Cruise saved a hawk! He heard the bird was struck by a car in Arizona and had his private jet pick it up and fly it to a hawk sanctuary in Colorado for treatment. More: Nine out of ten nurses at Cedars-Sinai preferred Nicole Richie to Christina Aguilera because Nicole bought other mothers "push presents" and had people in "stitches" with her humor. (They were happy to see Christina go.) Heath news: Mary Kate Olsen was obsessed with Heath Ledger; she thought he was a great mix of deep thinking sexuality; they would hook up in L.A. hotels or Heath's apartment in New York. The New York Post's Cindy Adams admits that she knows nothing about the circumstances around Heath's death — but knows that some stars have private security show up at a scene before the cops to get rid of illegal substances. Sigh. Lastly, Miley Cyrus, 15, is having trouble with her high-stress lifestyle! Sometimes she can't even eat and almost passes out on stage. She thinks she looks fat in fan pictures and that her legs and face are "all jiggly" to fans in the first row at concerts.
Grade: C (Twinkies)

• Lindsay's loving LC's sloppy seconds! She hit New York City hotspots with Brody Jenner this weekend. Is there a Hollywood hottie that guy hasn't gone out with? [People]
  
• A private memorial was held in Los Angeles Saturday for Heath Ledger; his ex, Naomi Watts, attended along with family and close friends. [E!]
  
• Reports are coming in that Heath may have died of natural causes, as odd as that sounds. [TMZ]
  
• The big winners at the SAG awards last night were The Sopranos, No Country For Old Men. [Reuters]
  
• Daniel Day-Lewis won a SAG award for There Will Be Blood and dedicated it to Heath Ledger, saying, "I admired him very much." [People]

• Is being knocked up making her more romantic? Angelina Jolie couldn't keep her hands off of Brad Pitt at the SAG awards last night. [People]
• As she was getting ready for the SAG awards, Kate Beckinsale's cat bumped into a candle and caught on fire! He's fine but her house smells like burned fur, blergh. [People]
• Scarlett Johansson has announced: "I am engaged... to Barack Obama." It was a reaction to being asked if she was getting hitched to boyfriend Ryan Reynolds but whatevs. [People]
• Britney's "friend" Sam Lutfi has had three restraining orders taken against him. When his friendship with a man named Danny Haines went pear-shaped, Lutfi told Haines he should "just kill himself." [Page Six]
• Britney's "boyfriend" Adnan Ghalib saves the voicemails Brit leaves him, so that he can listen to them whenever he wants... And play them for Entertainment Tonight. [Perez Hilton]
• Oh, and Adnan's also got some videos of Britney he'd love to show you, if you have $2 million. [Perez Hilton]
• By the way, Adnan reportedly says Britney is like Princess Diana, because she is chased by photographers and "dating an Arab." [Mirror]
• Not sure which is sleazier: That some troll hid outside of Britney's dance studio and taped her rehearsal through a slit in the wall until she had a "topless" moment or that I just watched it. [Hollywood.tv]
• Blind item! "Which beautiful movie star/model of a certain age is dating a married man? She conveniently showed up to the Self magazine/Origins "Green" party at the Sundance Film Festival just moments before her rock star guitar-playing boyfriend did." [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which legendary older funnyman has never worn the same pair of socks twice since becoming a millionaire at age 18?"[Gatecrasher]
• Nicole Richie must have found a good babysitter: She hit the town in a rare post-baby appearance. [TMZ]
• Dean Winters, star of Oz and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, claims he has an impostor; he's blaming any filthy MySpace messages on the unknown party. Sure, sure. [Page Six]
• Uh-oh, Miley Cyrus got sick during a concert in New Orleans! Hopefully it's just a flu and not spermination. [People]
• Good news: Sources say Amy Winehouse is making progress in rehab. [The Sun]
• Congrats to The Wonder Years' Fred Savage and his wife: They're expecting a second child. [People]
• Also expecting: Martie Maguire of the Dixie Chicks. [People]
• Christian Brando, son of legendary actor Marlon, died Saturday of complications from pneumonia. Christian made headlines in 1990 when he shot his sister's boyfriend after she told her brother the man had been beating her. [Reuters]
• Hulk Hogan's divorce from wife Linda is getting nasty: Linda has asked a judge to freeze the Hulk's assets; accusing him of trying to trick her into signing a post-nuptial agreement. [Perez Hilton]
• Have Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher ditched the red string bracelets? Sources say it's been "months" since the two have attended a Kabballah meeting. Hey, trends come and go. [MSNBC]
• Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe has broken up with his girlfriend, whom he met while doing Equus. Maybe the magic was gone? [Daily Mail]

• Double trouble! Angelina Jolie is reportedly knocked up with two soon-to-be-gorgeous fetuses. (Feti?) The addition of twins means the family will have six kids under the age of seven (and very little sleep). Huh, the tabs that noted Angie's boobs were bigger lately: Were they actually on to something? [Star Magazine]
  
• Angelina is planning on spending the first anniversary of her mother's death (January 27th) in a day-long vigil at Cedars-Sinai hospital in L.A., where Marcheline Bertrand died while battling ovarian cancer. [Daily Express]
  
• Amy Winehouse entered a rehab facility at her record label's urgings and in preparation for her planned appearance at the Grammys. [People]
  
• Mary-Kate Olsen will be questioned as to why, upon finding Heath Ledger unconscious, his masseuse dialed her three times before calling 911. (And once afterward.) Panic? Or foul play? [Page Six]
  
• A source says Heath and Mary-Kate were "hooking up" and partying together but not exclusive. [People]

• Mel Gibson grew close to Heath Ledger when the two filmed The Patriot, but they'd been distant ever since Gibson advised Heath against taking the role in Brokeback Mountain. Sources say Gibson wasn't down with the gay stuff, but we all know how that turned out for Heath. [Rush & Molloy]
• Heath's family members wrote messages in the death notices section of his hometown Australian newspaper. His sister, Kate's, read, "I can hardly breathe when I try to write this. We were the ultimate in soul mates. I feel both my heart and life have been torn apart." [People]
• Johnny Depp may step in for Heath Ledger in director Terry Gilliam's film, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, which is six weeks from being finished. A source says "It's a weird, fantasy, time-travel movie so Heath's character could easily change appearance. It would be a poignant moment." [The Sun]
• Fox News' John Gibson has apologized for insensitive, tasteless jokes he made on his radio show about the death of Heath Ledger, including, "Well, I guess he found a way to quit you." [ New York Magazine]
• Britney's former bodyguard, Tony Barretto, gave a two-hour deposition at the office of Kevin Federline's lawyer. He talked about drug use, nudity, driving, etc. and probably did not paint a very flattering picture of the pop star. [Rush & Molloy]
• Also questioned: Brit's pal Sam Lutfi, who does God knows what and came from Lord knows where. [TMZ]
• Chris Brown spotted on a date with Rihanna? What happened to Josh Hartnett??? [Rush & Molloy]
• Jessica Simpson says the OK! story about her being dumped by Tony Romo is totes false. Her lawyers have sent a letter to the editor in chief, asking for a retraction. Ugh, does anyone actually care? [TMZ]
• David Beckham on that visit to Africa: "I was also humbled by the people of Sierra Leone, who, despite the problems they face, keep smiling and are hopeful for the future. They made me feel extremely welcome in their country and I will never forget the experience." We'll never forget you shirtless in the heat. Thanks. [People]
• John Mayer's blog is "done and dusted," not that you were reading it anyway. [MSNBC]

In addition, Lauterbach wasn't just pregnant, she was almost to term. Her due date was January 8. Jacksonville's Sheriff Ed Brown told reporters, "You pray that she's alive." We certainly do.

Sheriff Pleads With Missing Marine To Get Help[CNN]

Earlier: What Did Missing Marine Maria Lauterbach Witness Before She Mysteriously Vanished?

I'm just speculating, of course. I searched Nexis for clues — so resourceful, I know — and came up dry. In the meantime, her mother is very worried and the details of the case will no doubt become more sordid and disturbing. Although she could also be on some secret prenatal yoga retreat. Wouldn't it be nice if that happened in these cases once in awhile?

Pregnant Marine Missing From North Carolina Base [CNN]

[Beverly Hills, December 18. Image via Splash.]

[London, December 19. Image via Splash.]

• Britney Spears found out that her 16-year-old sister Jamie Lynn was pregnant when everybody else did... Last night as the new issue of OK! was dropping. She was said to be "frantic" when she heard. [TMZ]
  
• Then Brit told a group of photographers and fans, "My sister's not pregnant." [TMZ]
  
• Then she issued a statement: "Britney is aware of the news regarding Jamie Lynn's pregnancy. She wishes her sister nothing but the best and asks for privacy during this time." She can ask, but she's not gonna get it. [Perez Hilton]
  
• Oh, and Lynne Spears' book on parenting is being delayed. Good idea! [People]

• But anyway, a source says "Jamie Lynn was the family's big hope. With Britney, one minute you're in, the next you're out. Brit had been supporting her family for years, and now all eyes were on Jamie Lynn." No pressure! Also, JL met her babydaddy in church. They must have been so into each other that they skipped some important sermons. [MSNBC]
• Lily Allen is also preggers! The 22-year-old found out she was expecting last month, but just told her family. The dad is 37-year-old boyfriend Ed Simons from the Chemical Brothers. Sources say Lily is "thrilled." [The Sun]
• But yeah, Lily will have to quit smoking. [Daily Mail]
• Is American Idol alum and Color Purple star Fantasia Barrino also knocked up? Is unprotected sex the new hot trend? Doesn't anyone use condoms anymore? Sigh. [Page Six]
• Did Lindsay Lohan say to "roommate" Courtenay Semel "lezzbe friends, breast friends"? They were seen holding hands at the party of a power lesbian. But maybe Courtenay was just holding LL back from non-sober fun? [Page Six]
• Lindsay's dad Michael played the role of Joseph in a Nativity scene in Times Square. Not a joke. [Page Six]
• A woman in Atlanta claims she became bipolar after Damon Dash exposed himself to her. Genitalia trauma! [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which diva songstress, as much a legend for her attitude as her pipes, demanded that an L.A. hair salon close for her on a busy Saturday, only to cancel the appointment?" [Gatecrasher]
• Helena Bonham Carter's "push present" from Tim Burton? Four pairs of lace-up biker boots. The gift that says, "Darling, you kick ass." [Daily Express]
• Kate Moss is taking her man, Jamie "Hotel Hince, her daughter, her mother and her stepfather on a sunny £30,000 vacation — maybe to St. Bart's. We wanna go too! [Daily Mail]
• Prince William took girlfriend Kate Middleton on a pheasant shoot. She carried dead birds and her man kissed her for being a good sport. Romantic! [Daily Mail]
• Ooh, are the Prince and Kate secretly living together? [Daily Express]
• Psychiatrists were called to calm a "screaming and sobbing" Amy Winehouse before her arrest yesterday. She was questioned for over two hours and then released on bail. Hey, at least she's not with child. Yet. [Daily Mail]
• Princess Diana had a half-empty package of contraceptives among her belongings before she died, her inquest has revealed. This makes it less likely that she was pregnant at the time of the crash. [Mirror]
• Tom Cruise's film Valkyrie is being delayed until next fall, because a pivotal scene has not been shot. Or because the buzz is that it sucks. [MSNBC]
• Chris O'Donnell and his wife Caroline gave birth to their fifth child. Soon they'll have enough for a dodgeball team! [People]

[Sydney, Australia; December 13. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

• Jessica Alba is pregnant! The father is boyfriend Cash Warren. Congrats? It's kind of worrying that they're on-again-off-again, sigh. Good luck, kids. [People]
  
• Geri "Ginger Spice" Halliwell supposedly pointed to Victoria" Posh Spice" Beckham's tummy during a show and allegedly said, "She's pregnant." Hahahahahaha, wait, what? [News.com.au]
  
• Madonna to New York City yoga class: "I want you all to leave." And they did! [Page Six]
  
• Speaking of her Madgesty, she was seen sporting two black eyes. Surgical procedure, perhaps? [Daily Mail]
  
• Custody battle news: Britney Spears will finally have her deposition taken under oath — today at 10 a.m. OMG. [TMZ]
  
• A French producer wants Britney Spears to play the Virgin Mary in a new film. But it's satire, see? [Page Six]

• Kiefer Sutherland has been getting "a ton" of fan mail while in prison, says an officer. "Easily more than 100 letters a day." Jack Bauer would have busted out by now, though. [People]
• Howard Stern is pissed Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck moved to his block on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, since the paparazzi now hang out there. Dude, they're not interested in you, srsly. [Page Six]
• Christina Aguilera ordered a set of photo enlargements from her Marie Claire pregnant belly photo shoot. Perfect to hang over the couch! [Page Six]
• Did Ethan Hawke bang the nanny while he was still married to Uma Thurman? [Gatecrasher]
• Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow may have been on the rocks over the summer but they are totes happy now, so rest easy. [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which perfectly lovely young star has an ugly assistant who is ruining her reputation in celebrity circles with her rude behavior and love of freebies?" [Gatecrasher]
• This extremely old quote (originally from the January issue of Elle) where Angelina Jolie calls Shiloh Jolie-Pitt a "blob" and a likely "outcast" keeps getting recycled and taken out of context, and frankly we're sick of it. [MSNBC]
• Nicole Kidman may take a break from acting: She says, "A lot of my wish to work was about wanting to get lost, not wanting to be in the world." But now, "I have a reason to be in the world now and that reason is Keith." Aw, romantic. Now do something about his hair. [Telegraph]
• It was announced that Lily Allen will be a judge on the panel of the Orange Broadband Prize For Fiction, the prestigious literary award for female authors (past winners include Zadie Smith and Lionel Shriver). Literary Lil, sounds good. [Independent]
• Hulk Hogan is having a rough year: his wife Linda has filed for divorce and his son Nick is facing charges of reckless driving. "I just pray that things get better for my family," Hogan says. "I love my family and I love my wife to death and I just don't know what tomorrow's going to bring." [ABC News]
• Some idiot tried to rip Naomi Campbell's VIP pass from her neck at the Led Zeppelin show. Dude, you're begging to get pistol-whipped by a cell phone! [Daily Mail]