1.) Debbie Rowe
Love her.



LOVE. HER.



You can see her wild side in her ear lobes.



And her T-shirts.



When I saw this shirt over the weekend, it immediately made me think of Aileen Wuornos' dream job of raising "she-wolves" on a farm with her girlfriend, as revealed in Nick Broomfield's doc.

2.) "What makes you think you're Paris Hilton or some damn body?"
Last night's 16 and Pregnant featured a teen and her mom, both of whom are pregnant (out of wedlock). They — and their boyfriends and pets — all live in the grandmother's two-bedroom home. Looking for a place to store her clothes in the cramped house, the teen began emptying out a junk drawer in Meemaw's room, where she found a mug with a penis as the handle. But it turns out the mug was not Meemaw's. It was Meemaw's mother's — the teen's great grandma.

3.) She's Totally "The Other Paris" Now



Or at least for this week.

Also: Why does a guy who is too straight for high heels even wanna be Paris' BFF?

3.) Gay in the Face
Katherine Jackson subscribes to the "gay face" theory, as evidenced by this old ass interview Entertainment Tonight dug up.

4.) Five Fun Facts Dr. Arnold Klein
He was Michael's dermatologist.
He is responsible for Debbie Rowe in our lives.
He is friends with Carrie Fisher.
He has no problem going on television and claiming that he jerked off in a doctor's office to donate sperm just for the hell of it.
CBS News finds his clothing incriminating.

5.) What We All Missed On TV This Week
Judge Judy was preempted on Tuesday because MJ's funeral ran way over. I was upset about it because I had been looking forward to the case after I saw this preview for it and learned that it involved a girl urinating on her roommate's sneakers in retaliation for something.

But I seen saw this:

6.) This Guy:

7.) Motorized Wheelchair Commercial Lady
She makes getting older look easy…and dizzy.

8.) Big Brother 11
Big Brother returned this week. Part of "the twist" of this one is that a cast member from a previous season was allowed to enter the house. It was Jesse, from season 10. I'm pretty happy with this decision. He says "sweet beans" instead of "cool beans."

9.) The "No Shit" Award Goes To…
Nikki was on Intervention this week. She's addicted to Methadone and Anti-anxiety medication, among other downers. Needless to say, she is chilllllllled.

Her sister has a personal opinion as to why Nikki likes drugs.

10.) Katie's Sign Off

Ok!
"The Truth About which Stars Are Really Pregnant"
The mag claims that Angelina Jolie has been taking prenatal vitamins and trying to cut out junk food, so clearly she is trying to get pregnant. And! Angie and Brad are adopting an African orphan from an unspecified country. Katie Holmes is knocked up, and has told close friends, but is waiting until she is farther along to make an announcement. Yet there are "signals" that she is pregnant, for instance: she "looked happy" at the Japanese Valkyrie premiere, had hair extensions and her face looked fuller. Also, she had a slice of cheese pizza with Suri last week. As for Jennifer Aniston — she and John Mayer have split for now, but "that's not dashing her baby dreams." According to a 2005 article, she said "I never said I didn't want to have children. I did and I do and I will." Seriously, this quote qualified her to be a part of this cover story. Lastly, "Don't believe rumors that Prince William and Kate Middleton are engaged." Since the Prince just started Royal Airforce training, there's no way a royal wedding could be planned.
Grade: F (fetal pig)

Life & Style
"Twilight's Hot Hookups: Back On!"
This story has lots of pictures, no hookups. Although Kristen Stewart does say: "The chemistry between artists is difficult to define. But in my case, when I looked at Robert, it was like I could look into his heart. And he could do the same to me. And that's very important." Which seems like an old quote, no? Plus there's a pixelated image of Pattinson's GQ cover. Moving on: The story called "Jen and John: It's Over!" seems to be based solely on deconstructing John Mayer's Twitters. For instance, the one which says: "There is nothing better in this world than the act of falling asleep while playing the guitar perched on your chest. Amp off. G'night" clearly means that he "just wasn't that into" Jennifer Aniston. Next, Nicole Scherzinger claims that performing helped her shed pounds, but there is literally no difference between the "before" and "after" pictures: She is freaking thin in both (Fig 1). A spread called "Everyone's Affected By The Recession" mentions that Alex McCord from Real Housewives lost her job; Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Victoria Beckham each wore the same dress twice and Kevin Bacon flew coach. Lastly, there are six pages of "Wedding Gowns With Personality," which are actually just white designer dresses, if you're into that.
Grade: F+ (frog)

In Touch
"How She Lost 10 Lbs In 2 Weeks"
Dr. Fred Pescatore, author of The Hamptons Diet, who does not treat Jessica Simpson, says: "Her stomach and legs look much thinner." The mag claims this is due to making "smart choices" in the last two weeks when it comes to diet and exercise. At no point to they quote Jessica or anyone currently helping her, though they do talk to her trainer from the 2005 film Dukes Of Hazzard and a person who attended her concert on March 13, who says, "Her legs looked a lot thinner and more toned." Moving on: Is Mandy Moore knocked up? A source says she wed Ryan Adams in a "shotgun" wedding because she is pregnant, although it is very early on. (Mandy's rep says she is not pregnant.) Next: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes spent an estimated $50,000 for their appearance at the Japanese Valkyrie premiere. That includes $30,000 on dental veneers; $3,000 hair extensions; $1,500 on makeup — for Tom — and $10,000 on spa treatments for Katie. Also inside. An insider tells the mag "Britney is still very self-conscious about her body and appearance." This is illustrated with six pictures of Brit in a bikini with captions critiquing her physique. A celebrity trainer and nutritionist, Jay Cardiello, who does not work with Britney, says things like, "She looks out of shape, bloated, and about 150 lbs." A story titled "Robert Thinks He's Ugly" is based on DVD commentary from Twilight star Robert Pattinson, who apparently says things like, "Sometimes I think I look as if I've had facial reconstructive surgery. After burns or something. My whole head looks like it's had a face lift. A really bad one!" He also says he has a "butt chin." There's more, but you get the point. "How Brad Came Between John & Jen" says that "Jen spent most of the evening talking about Brad. It got on John's nerves. He said it was bordering on obsessive." Plus, on Oscar night, John pulled a photographer and said, "Get ready, I'm about to pay for your kids' college." Then he pulled and unsuspecting Jen over and started hamming it up for the cameras, kissing her on the temple and stuff. Don't you want to throw up all over him? The best spread in this issue is "Inspired by C3P0" (Fig. 2). With the sidebar, "Copying Chewbacca Can Get A Little Hairy." Lastly, in an interview with Julia Roberts, she says, "People get wildly famous, and they get incredibly slim. It never happened to me, not matter how hard I tried."
Grade: D- (fish)

Star
"$10 Million Tell-All"
John Mayer has been telling friends that he is thinking of going public with all of Jennifer Aniston's juicy secrets. A pal says: He's been keeping notes in his daily journal since the moment they met, and he knows he could make millions of dollars. For instance: Jen called John Brad in bed, which freaked John out, and he told her, "I can't compete with the sexiest man alive." Jen does yoga or Pilates for four hours a day and John thinks she is obsessed with exercising. She likes to watch hours and hours of reality TV, which isn't really a "juicy" secret. Jen is really aggressive in bed and likes to do role-playing stuff. She dressed up for him a few times and agreed to have sex in unconventional places once or twice. John has lots of pictures of Jen in Mexico smoking and drinking — "and she doesn't look like the girl next door." And: John told friends he liked to photograph Jen while she was sleeping. A source says she was wearing next-to-nothing, had no makeup on, and her hair was a wreck — not the kind of thing she would want to get out. Moving on: "Knifestyles Of The Rich& Famous" Details Gwyneth Paltrow's nose job (Fig. 3). Did she also used to have brown eyes? Anyway, a doctor who doesn't treat her thinks some cartilage was removed. When it's subtle, you know it was a good surgeon! An insider says Prince William "popped the question" to Kate Middleton during a romantic getaway. Blind item: "Which rehab grad has given up trying to hide her off-the-wagon status? She knocked back vodka at LA's Bardot and a few days later followed her partying with a drive." Kristen Stewart is sick and tired of all the attention Robert Pattinson gets: "Except for filming together and mandatory work functions, Kristen refuses to be in the same room with Rob." Katie Holmes must be pregnant, because at the Japanese premiere of Valkyrie she had hair extensions, she was glowing and she wore a loose dress that "accented a slight bulge in her belly." Plus: "At one point," an insider tells Star, "she glanced at her stomach and smiled shyly." Oh dear: "Rihanna & Chris Sex Tapes!" Exclamation point the mag's, not ours. An insider says: "They've had tons of crazy nights in bed, and Chris has recorded many of them." Apparently Rihanna likes dressing up as a dominatrix, and role-playing. Next, Nicole Richie is telling friends she is having twins and hoping that they are boys. In a reversal, there's a piece called "Incredible Shrinking Dudes," with Benji Madden, Vince Vaughn, Seth Rogen and Josh Gracin — usually the mag picks on the ladies' bodies! Lastly: "Step Stars: They're not bio babies, but these celebs treat their partners' kids like their very own flesh and blood. All together now: Aww!"
Grade: C- (earthworm)

Us
"Caught In An Affair."
In an amazing feat of reporting, the mag has security cam stills of LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian making out over dinner. Cibrian you may know from Third Watch, or as a guest star on Dirty Sexy Money, Samantha Who, or Ugly Betty. A restaurant staffer says: "I saw them holding hands across the table during the entire meal, laughing and kissing. They kept blowing out the candle on the table and making out over it." Cibrian is married to a model and has two kids; they were wed in 2001. Rimes was married in 2002 at the age of 19. The two met on the set of a cable movie Northern Lights. There are also pictures of Rimes driving to a hotel, having a friend go in and book a room. The friend comes out and gives her the key; then she goes inside. Cibrian shows up; then he leaves four hours later. A friend says Rimes and her husband are "more like best friends. You don't feel any sexual heat." And! Rimes was seen carrying a book titled For Better Or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered. Moving on: Britney rejected a $3 million dollar book deal. She "summoned" publishing honchos to discuss writing her autobiography, but was "unkempt" and "out of it" at the meetings and turned the offers down because she was hoping for $8 million, like Hillary Clinton got. The Jen/John split story in this mag is kind of Choose Your Own Adventure-ish; they supply various reasons, you pick whichever you like: "It was amicable, they both wanted different things." or: "John does want to get married and have kid, just not right now" or: "It never seemed that serious. I think she liked dating a younger guy" or "Her friends suspected he was using her for press" or: "The whole thing is a publicity stunt they're both in on" or: "She's always either all the way hot or all the way cold. But that doesn't mean it won't be on again tomorrow."
Grade: C (owl pellet)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

One week before giving birth to little Archie Arnett, writes New York's Emily Nussbaum, the Saturday Night Live funnylady "went out there swinging, her immense belly swaying over the Weekend Update desk, performing a wild, aggressive Sarah Palin rap—effortlessly shooting down both a dancing moose and the actual Sarah Palin." Inspiring? Sure. Amy Poehler is awesome, but does anyone actually think that she would be less so because she's with child? Does carrying a fetus render a woman brain damaged?


Which is why the following is so baffling:

Anchor Campbell Brown savaged spin doctors throughout her first trimester, sharpened by fuzz-head hormones that fell other women.

Sorry? Other knocked-up women are walking around befuddled and bewildered? Isn't every pregnant working woman out there doing her job? While you may not see them rapping or interviewing Democratic strategists, don't you know pregnant women who make quick business decisions, instill fear in underlings, lift grocery bags, corral kids and always have a witty comeback? What do you think they'd say about the idea that they're thought of as "fuzz-heads"?

Because Our Pregnant Women Kick Ass [NY Mag]

Us
"Candace Cameron: How I Lost 22 Lbs. On My Own!"
Here is a direct quote from the six-page story: "She started eating less and working out more." Moving on: There's a "Do You Know Who I Am" spread, which reveals Jennifer Love Hewitt's old nose was bigger, Renee Zellweger's old body was bigger, and Amy Poehler's old hair was bigger. Shania Twain broke up with her husband, Mutt Lange, in May, because he was cheating on her with her best friend, Marie-Anne Thiébaud. Now Shania is hanging out with Marie-Anne's husband, Frédéric Thiébaud. Shania was seen being fed an olive by Frédéric at lunch recently. And they went skydiving together! Next: What has Madonna done to her face? Plastic surgeons who don't treat her say she's using Botox, got a brow lift, has filler under her eyes, cheek implants and may have gotten a subtle mini face lift. Her chin is natural, though. Lastly — and this is exciting — there are four pages of sketches from designers (Carolina Herrera, Badgley Mischka, Zac Posen, Diane von Furstenberg, Oscar de la Renta) of Inauguration evening and day looks for Michelle Obama and the kids!
Grade: D (evisceration)

Life & Style
"Yes, I'm Pregnant!"
Janet Jackson, 42, allegedly sat down the band traveling with her on tour and said, "Guys, we're canceling the rest of the tour. I'm pregnant!" The magazine speaks to Jermaine Dupri's Aunt, who says, "I texted Jermaine a few days ago to ask if Janet's pregnant." His answer? A coy, "not yet." Basically, they won't announce anything until after the first trimester. Moving on: Angelina Jolie has a "new face." A doctor who doesn't treat her thinks it's all Botox, Juvederm, and fillers. Injectables, not surgery (Fig. 1). So in T: The New York Times Style Magazine, Katie Holmes went on and on about how she's not a wallflower; a source says she's doing it now because she wants a Tony. And "She knows she's been portrayed as this kind of Stepford wife, and it was important for her to set the record straight." Also! Tom Cruise has been wearing white Nike Air Force 1s, which add 2 inches to his height! He is a baller. A story called "The Obama Diet" (Fig. 2) has a picture of the President-Elect "running" in a suit, eating a soft shell taco and holding a small bottle of hot sauce. 2009 is gonna be just fine. Gerard Butler wasn't always so hot (Fig. 3)! Gossip Girl's Ed "Chuck Bass" Westwick and Jessica "Vanessa" Szohr were seen Christmas shopping at Bed, Bath and Beyond in NYC. "They sure looked like they were a couple," says an eyewitness. Tobey Maguire is, at his wife's request, taking parenting classes: Apparently he spoiled the first kid, and there's a second one on the way. Lastly, in a spread called "Star's Figure Flaws — Fixed!" we find out how to "solve" the problem of having a "lean frame" or a "petite frame," like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. Oh, and guess what? Ugly Betty's Amanda, Becki Newton, is "pear-shaped."
Grade: D+ (flaying)

In Touch
"It's A Girl."
It will be an "unusual" and "memorable" Christmas: Angelina and Brad are taking the kids to Ethiopia to get their fourth adoption underway. A source says, "They've already picked out a little girl… They don't want Zahara to be the only African in the family." And! Even though Angie hasn't said anything, many, as in the editors of the mag, believe she is carrying baby number 8. Crazytown. Moving on: "Friends" worry Madonna is suffering from a mid-life crisis. "She's obsessed with her appearance, adopted younger friends on tour, and has replaced Guy Ritchie, 40, with 33-year-old Alex "A-Rod" Rodriguez." Uh-oh, reporter Ian Halperin says Michael Jackson has "a very severe lung condition called Alpha-1 antitrypson deficiency. He needs a lung transplant. He also has emphysema and chronic gastro-intestinal bleeding. He can barely speak and the vision in his left eye is 95% gone." Oh, Marilyn Manson's new dame is model Isani Griffith, 24. Dude has a type. Is Winona Ryder okay? A source says she seems to be on a "downward spiral" since Rilo Kiley guitarist Blake Sennett ended their relationship in August. In a spread called "Who's Really Cheating," there are tons of blind items (Fig. 4). Joel and Benji Madden spent a week in the Central African Republic as UN Goodwill Ambassadors; Joel plans on raising money for UNICEF's Tap Of Project, which provides safe drinking water. Lastly, Lynda Carter, TV's Wonder Woman says: "Beyoncé's phenomenal. I think the whole idea of her playing Wonder Woman would be great."
Grade: C- (ravaged)

Star
"Angie & Brad: Twins Again!"
Alas, this story does not claim that Angelina is actually pregnant with twins. Instead, it says that Angie is getting "secret" fertility treatments and "trying really hard in the bedroom." So the couple is "gearing up" for twins. A "friend" says "She's 33, she doesn't feel like she has time to sit around and wait." Angelina is also eating yams, which are supposed to increase her chances of having twins. Orange juice, too. Oh, and fertility drugs. But Angelina and Brad are fighting, because Brad wants the babies to be born in New Orleans, and Angie wants them to be born somewhere "exotic," like India. Meanwhile, Maddox wants Brad and Angie to get married, so there's a wedding scheduled for June. All the kids will be in the wedding party. (There are elaborate descriptions of the proposed wedding venue, at a lodge in the Ozark mountains — with entire paragraphs dedicated to the fireplace and where to put the carved meat.) But Angie and Brad don't want it to be splashy like Brad's wedding to Jen because, "They don't want to be showy during these hard financial times." Moving on: Ginnifer Goodwin and Chris Klein: Dunzo! Lo Bosworth is avoiding Lauren Conrad — she's sick and tired of the inflated ego and sense of entitlement. Blind item! "Which actress is so messed up, she's seeing shrinks on both costs? Only, they've been giving her conflicting advice, and the back-and-forth has made her more wacky than ever." By the by, Jennifer Aniston is a fan of "Pokies," the plastic nipples that slide in under a bra. Suri Cruise loves Dora The Explorer's cousin Diego, and has asked her mom to get her one. The mag actually prints these words: "Katie's not about to pop one out just to so Suri can have a playmate. Even if she were to get pregnant again, there's no guarantee she'd have a boy — or that she'd name him Diego." Did Oprah have a non-surgical procedure called Thermage to take care of the bags under her eyes? A doctor who does not treat her says she got blepharoplasty (eyelid surgery). Rachel Zoe weighs 89 lbs. (Fig 5). "I've never seen her eat, only smoke," says an insider. Clay Aiken has a new boyfriend. The lucky guy is a Broadway dancer named Reed Kelly, from the ensemble cast of Wicked. Even though People magazine painted him as a great dad last week, Star says "Booze, weed and hookers are a big part of Kevin Federline's lifestyle." Next, there's an article about Britney's manhunt, and the mag creates a quasi-funny internet dating profile for the pop star. Lastly, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt may have a baby on the way: Spencer sees all these celebrities making cash on baby pictures, and he wants in! Heidi was dragging her feet, but he's convinced her, so look for a little money-grubber in the over early next year. Oh, and they think having a Newlyweds-type show featuring them as parents would be a huge hit. Plus, they only go to the apartment they "live" in on the show to film scenes. "That place is practically a set," says a source.
Grade: C (ruined)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

• Did Ellen DeGeneres try to trick Mariah Carey into admitting she's pregnant? Mariah was a guest on Ellen's show, and after Ellen asked and got a vague response, she busted out the champagne, saying, "You don't have to answer that. Let's just toast with champagne." Mariah got flustered and said, "I can't believe you did this to me, Ellen," and pretended to sip the bubbly. Knocked up? [Yahoo News via E!]
• Someone's not pregnant: Sarah Jessica Parker in the Sex And The City sequel. Carrie won't be having a kid. "It doesn't seem as if that's going to be a choice she'll make… Michael (Patrick King, director) and I never talk about it. That doesn't mean that won't be part of the story. We just haven't figured it out. It feels a little bit manipulative to toss that into the mix, because she seems so pointed in a different direction." [Daily Express]
• Kanye West and hot hot model Sessilee Lopez: Is it on? [The Sun]
• Madonna has hired a specialist to help her "exorcise the memories" of her ex-husband, Guy Ritchie, from her home. The technique seems to involve throwing shit away. [Mirror]
• Madonna and A-Rod are in Miami together right now, having just landed in a private jet. [TMZ]

• What's this? Even though his ex, Cynthia, claimed Rodriguez would be spending Thanksgiving with Madonna, a source says A-Rod "has been in Florida for days" and "always had every intention of spending the holiday" there with his ex-wife and daughters? [People]
• In other news, Madonna's brother is going to direct a "teen thriller" called Twist. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Britney Spears wants to go back on the road again. She and her conservators have asked the court to allow her to go on a U.S. tour next year: She'd need to make deals with backup singers, roadies, venues, ticket brokers, etc., but legally can't make any of the deals herself. [TMZ]
• Britney will be in New York next week — her album drops Tuesday, so she's hitting Good Morning America, but it's also her 27th birthday. So she'll also have a "very private circus-themed" birthday party that night. Waiting for our invitation! [Page Six]
• The chick from The Rules is offering dating advice to Jennifer Aniston. Says Sherrie Schneider, who co-wrote the infamous dating manual with Ellen Fein: "Never mention Brad's or John Mayer's name in public. Also, don't say anything bad about John, like when you said he was missing a sensitivity chip. Never talk about Angelina or call her 'uncool', even if she was uncool. She does not exist in your world. You are going to be 40 soon. You have no time to waste if you want kids." What's that eyeroll emoticon again? [Sydney Morning Herald]
• Lily Allen and Agyness Deyn got strip searched when they went to Dubai. Lily says: "I knew I didn’t have anything on me so I wasn’t worried. I wasn’t paranoid, just terrified." Agyness agrees: "It was really traumatic. It wasn’t the best experience in the world, but it is their culture and you just have to respect it." [The Sun]
• Ivanka Trump sure is fueling those rumors she might get engaged to boyfriend Jared Kushner — she's guest blogging for Brides.com the first week of December, writing about her style and her jewelry line. [WWD]
• Model Jessica Stam is dating Austin Cregg, the son of '80s pop music icon Huey Lewis. He's facing jail time for marijuana possession and scrawling graffiti. [Page Six]
• An upcoming Law & Order episode will have a young male "supermodel" die in a way that is eerily similar to the way Heath Ledger did. [Page Six]
• Ricki Lake is on Match.com. Go Ricki! [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]
• Oh no, Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem might be on the rocks: They'd agreed to take a break from movies for a year, then he took a part in a film. She wanted to adopt a baby from India because she "admires Angelina Jolie." [ONTD]
• Pete Wentz freaked out when his wife, Ashlee was about to give birth: "Right before she went into labor, I was like, 'Oh, my god, I think I'm having a heart attack,'" he says. "My heart started beating real fast. You see your wife is in all this pain. And I don't know what's happening right now. She took care of me and made sure I was okay and then went into labor. That's why she's a saint." [People]
• For the second day in a row, a story about how Reese Witherspoon totally got along with Vince Vaughn while shooting Four Christmases. "Vince is the funniest person I've ever worked with. It was a challenge for me to stay there and keep up with him." The lady doth protest too much? [Yahoo News]
• Natalie Portman doesn't understand celibacy. [Page Six]
• Roger Friedman on The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: "Innovative, creative, technologically advanced… [Brad Pitt] is Gollum from Lord of the Rings meeting Robert Redford, with a better wardrobe." [Fox 411]
• Rachael Ray's Christmas will be a silent night: "I'm having voice surgery on Dec. 16, so we're going to celebrate very quietly," she says. [People]
• Are Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal's parents broke? [Page Six]
• Audrina Patridge on Heidi and Spencer's elopement: "I am surprised and not surprised at the same time." Haha, because you know that they're contractually obligated to make headlines for Us magazine? She also says: "I do think it's very romantic that they eloped." [People]
• Uh-oh, director John Waters is being sued for adding "Santa Claus is a Black Man" to his Christmas album without permission. [Daily Express]
• Tragic: You know how Kanye West's mom died after plastic surgery? Her nephew, a registered nurse, was supervising her post-surgery care and may have left her bedside to attend a baby shower — he's being investigated. [People]
• Village Voice reporter Michael Musto hit the Milk premiere party, where Marc Jacobs told him he cried and shook his leg emotionally through the whole movie. "I'm for anything gay," the designer said. "The world would be a better place if everyone was gay." "Look, around," Musto urged. "They are!" Meanwhile, Carson Kressley said: "I'm lactose-intolerant, but I loved Milk." [Village Voice]
• TMZ the TV show: Renewed. [Yahoo News]
• File under news you can't use: Katie "Jordan" Price and Peter Andre sunbathe naked; Peter has a "brown willy." [Perez Hilton]
• Carson Daly has a girlfriend? And she's pregnant? [ONTD]
• U2, Jay-Z, Coldplay and R.E.M. are among the bands contributing music to (RED)WIRE, a new download service aligned with Bono’s (PRODUCT)RED campaign. [Rolling Stone]
• Don't know much about country singer Chuck Wicks, but he is "very much in love" with Dancing With The Stars' Julianne Hough, so that's nice. [People]
• Mel Gibson, what hast thou done? A Superior Court Judge wants you to explain why a screenwriter claims he was screwed out of $10 million from the 2004 megahit The Passion Of The Christ [Yahoo News via E!]
• TV chef Gordon Ramsay has made a "groveling apology" to his wife after admitting to meeting his mistress four times. [Daily Mail]
• "There's always someone telling you not to make a movie. When I did Born on the Fourth of July, they said, 'This is going to ruin your career. What are you doing?' Suicide? I’ve committed it. There were people who didn’t want me to make Top Gun. [My character], Stauffenberg, went from saying, 'Someone should shoot that bastard' to realizing, I’m the only one who can do it. You can’t really know until you're under that kind of pressure. I'm not saying this in some chest-pounding way, but I do feel I'd have that kind of courage." — Tom Cruise, defending his Nazi movie, Valkyrie, in Details. [MSNBC Scoop]
• "We came up with the idea Bronx. We've been throwing [ideas] back and forth a while. It's kind of cool to just leave the narrative what it is. People are stoked or pissed or whatever. And you're like, you know what: I don't think anyone really has the real story." — Pete Wentz on why he named his kid Bronx Mowgli. [People]

OK!
"Baby Brother For Suri!" Okay, so Nicole Kidman told the December issue of Glamour magazine that her teenage son, Connor, is hoping for a baby brother. "He would like one of us to have a boy. He wants that boy. Katie?" Basically, Nicole is done with giving birth and it's all up to Katie Holmes. Hence this cover story. A "friend" says: "Kate and Tom very much want another baby. There may be no better time than now for Katie to get pregnant again, and absolutely nothing would make Tom happier. Their second anniversary is just days away [Nov. 18] and I wouldn't be at all surprised to see another little Cruise come into the world nine months later." Hear that? TomKat could have sex on their anniversary, Katie could get knocked up, and Suri could have a brother. Moving on: Oprah is letting Jennifer Hudson stay at her East Lakeshore Drive condo in Chicago while she deals with the deaths in her family. "There's plenty of privacy and security there," a pal says. Carnie Wilson is pregnant, if you care. Britney is still under her father's conservatorship. Angelina Jolie is using her kid's video games to work out: She does "Let's Pilates!" on Nintendo DS. Then there are a bunch of weird, Marie Claire-style stories in this issue, maybe because the mag has a new editor: There's "The Dos & Don'ts Of Love At Work," which touches on Gossip Girl's cast members dating; "How To Score A Sexy Sports Star," which is Jessica Simpson-inspired, and "Don't Catch The Office Cold," which is about staying healthy at work, but uses a picture from the NBC show The Office. These pieces are not really gossipy, more service-y, and therefore weird in a gossip mag. Lastly, there's "10 Things You Must Know About Twilight," the new vampire movie that will eat America's soul on November 21.
Grade: F (hopelessness)


In Touch
"She's Pregnant Again!" Angelina Jolie has a "small yet noticeable baby bump." She gave birth to twins in July but "may already be two months pregnant." For the love of God. A "friend" says: "She is very tired and emotional. She had thought it was post-partum depression, but then she told Brad, 'Um, I think we've done it again.'" Also, the magazine actually prints these words: "She wants a bump for the Oscars." And guess what? Jennifer Aniston might be pregnant too! The mag claims her "bump" is "getting bigger." Moving on: Tori Spelling's spawn, Liam, 20 months old, is pictured checking himself out in In Touch (Fig 1). Meta. Lisa Rinna has a "new" face (Fig. 2) and says: "I know I went too far. I saw a doctor in New York who I don't normally see, and we went a little overboard. I saw a photo of myself at a party and went, 'Oh jeez, I have too much filler.'" Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller are "on the rocks." She's pregnant; he's been out partying. The Jonas Brothers have a $24,000-a-month mansion in Bel Air, and you don't. Lastly: You've heard this one before, and here it is again: Lindsay looks too thin (Fig. 3).
Grade: D- (ennui)


Life & Style
"Britney's Brave Battle With Mental Illness" Hey, Britney was diagnosed with being bi-polar less than a year ago… Is she ready for a "comeback"? She was spotted in tears at rehearsal for her upcoming tour. An insider claims she said, "It's all too much for me right now." Moving on: An source says Jennifer Aniston wants more plastic surgery because she's afraid her "nose is only getting bigger." She has a window of time in January and February before the release of He's Just Not That Into You and could squeeze in some rhinoplasty. Heidi Montag's dad says: "Every father wants his daughter to be with someone like Spencer, believe me. If they want to get married, they definitely have my blessing." What is that guy smoking? He also showed Spencer his gun. Anne Hathaway's new man is an actor named Adam Shulman. Gwen Stefani put a picture of her baby on her website for the world to see: He looks like a baby. Also, the mag calls 2-year-old Kingston Rossdale "Hollywood's Newest Bachelor." He had a playdate with Tobey Maguire's daughter! Angelina Jolie says: "If we look at all the cartoon heroines, there isn't even one princess in Disney that Zahara can identify with. And there's something very wrong with this. We had an African-American candidate for the Presidency, and not even a cartoon for a black child." Lastly, this week in "Dr. Rey's Casebook," the feature in which the plastic surgeon reduces women to body parts, which he then critiques, Heidi Montag needs Carmen Electra's butt; Tara Reid has dimples on her "saggy" derriere and Mena Suvari's behind is "perfectly perky."
Grade: D (apathy)


Star
"Twins For Jen!" The magazine prints the words: "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer with a baby carriage — big enough for twins." It's hilarious, but we read the "first comes love" shtick before, in Life & Style. According to Star: "Jen has been undergoing fertility treatments, determined to have a pair of babies with John." And Jen has already called Brad to tell him about the babies. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan's been bragging to her pals that she and Justin Timberlake had a one night stand in January. Jessica Biel was in England, filming a movie, and LL invited JT come to her house in West Hollywood. A source says that she says he came right over and they did it on the couch. A couple of weeks later, LL made plans to meet JT again, but he stood her up. This was around the same time Justin was "seen" hooking up with Kate Hudson. Also inside: Evan Rachel Wood has dumped live-in boyfriend Marilyn Manson! He tried to kick her brother out of the guesthouse, but Evan owns their home. Blind item! "Which TV funnyman looked like a big joke backstage at a recent hip-hop concert? Pale, bloated and wearing a stained hoodie, he bragged that he was tripping on LSD." Angelina Jolie was so "angry" about Brad flirting with Diane Kruger on the set of his new film, she flew to L.A. to appear at the Hollywood Film Festival Awards. Two days later, Brad followed her to L.A. with the kids in tow, to "grovel for her forgiveness." Lastly, there are four pages of candid snapshots and info from Heidi Montag and Audrina Patridge's ex-boyfriends, who "tell all," in case you're interested. We're not.
Grade: D+ (indifference)


Us
"Their Amazing Journey." If you can't handle gossip and you just want to read about ZOMG Barack Obama, there are 13 pages of text and pictures about the new first family, the role of first lady and what it's like to be a kid growing up in the White House. Snaps of the Kennedys, Susan Ford, Amy Carter, political dogs, etc.! Plus: Michelle Obama's mom might move into the White House along with the family. Sasha and Malia love the Jonas brothers and Nick Jonas says, "Those girls are very sweet. We will never turn an offer to go to the White House." Did you know that Barack and Michelle's 16th anniversary was on October 3? Michelle thought Barack would be too busy to celebrate, but then she saw a picture in the paper of him buying flowers, and later he gave them to her. Moving on: A-Rod was seen driving to Madonna's house in L.A. recently and plans to attend her L.A. concert. Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling: It's off. Sniff. An insider suggests Rachel was too controlling and Ryan dumped her. WTF. Simon Cowell and Terri Seymour have broken up after 6 years of dating; she wanted kids. Lastly, Carrie Underwood is dating a doctor from a TV show called… The Doctors.
Grade: A (hope) This week, politics trump celebrity!


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But this joyous occasion did not come without a price. In a personal essay in the Advocate, Thomas writes about all of the prejudice he faced when trying to find adequate medical care. One doctor, "after a $300 consultation, reluctantly performed my initial checkups. He then required us to see the clinic's psychologist to see if we were fit to bring a child into this world and consulted with the ethics board of his hospital. A few months and a couple thousand dollars later, he told us that he would no longer treat us, saying he and his staff felt uncomfortable working with 'someone like me.'" Even Thomas's own brother was unkind, telling Thomas after his first pregnancy turned out ectopic, "It's a good thing that happened. Who knows what kind of monster it would have been."

Thomas isn't the only transmale facing difficulties. In last Sunday's New York Times Magazine, there was a story about the opposition transmen are facing at women's colleges. The piece profiled Rey, a college freshman who started his university career at Barnard, only to transfer to Columbia because of the number of issues he faced. According to writer Alissa Quart, Rey is not alone in his alienation: "Many trans students feel themselves to be excluded or isolated at women's schools and at coed colleges. Some talk of being razzed or insulted by fellow students." But Quart also discusses the question of how colleges meant for women are supposed to serve people who no longer identify as women in the first place.

Will society ever be able to accommodate all the facets of the gender spectrum? Or will cases like Thomas's and Rey's always be a struggle for acceptance and personal freedom?

Labor Of Love [The Advocate]
When Girls Will Be Boys [New York Times]

[Brentwood, CA; March 17. Image via Flynet.]

[Paris, March 4. Image via Splash.]

We didn't start this rumor btw.

[New York, February 19. Image via INFDaily.com.]

[West Hollywood, February 14. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

OK!
"Angie's Joy, Jen's Pain." Intern Sharon didn't even read the whole cover story because she's so sick of Angelina vs. Jennifer crap. But she sums the article up thusly: "Jennifer is 'upset' by the fact that 'she'll never bear Brad's babies.' Ugh!" There are, however, two pages of "Silver Foxes": Tim Gunn, Harrison Ford, Anderson Cooper and George Clooney. Yay! Also inside: During a photo shoot, Kim Kardashian ate a cheeseburger, a taco, a bite of a hot dog, a bite of KFC and two doughnuts. For lunch. Jaime Lynn Spears picked up 5 lbs. of crawfish for her baby daddy's dinner. She also likes to go to Sonic and order cheesecake bites dipped in barbecue sauce. Dannielynn Birkhead's eye condition is called strabismus, and she's getting surgery in early March. Does anyone know if that is connected to fetal alcohol syndrome?
Grade: D (hail)

Life & Style
"This Is Crazy!" Angelina took a 19 hour flight to Iraq — alone! She also traveled outside of the country's green zone. OMG. She spent most of her time talking to soldiers, and went on the trip in order to highlight the fact that 60% of Iraqi refugees are younger than 12. Intern Sharon says, "She should adopt one!" Also inside: Madonna's party for Malawi raised $5.5 million. Did Britney "lose" $60 million? She's being audited and her parents think Sam Lutfi was using her cash to pay his rent. Plus private planes, hotel rooms, shopping and an entourage don't come cheap. Right now her dad is giving her $60 a day, and if she needs more she has to explain why. Meanwhile, sis Jamie Lynn was seen in a Louisiana Wal-Mart looking depressed. Also: Fergie spent $30,000 in 2 hours at Calvin Klein in NYC; Sam Lufti was at Paris Hilton's birthday party and didn't leave her side all night; the Olsen twins go out, but they don't party out of happiness... they have trust issues and blah blah blah. Heidi Montag is turning to choreographer Shane Sparks for dance-move assistance. He plans on helping her by combining the styles of Britney, Beyoncé, Ciara and Chris Brown.
Grade: D+ (sleet)

Us
"Michelle's Final Goodbye." One of the first things you see when you open the magazine is a picture of John Mayer in a Borat-style lime green swim contraption*, which is great, since the cover story is so damn sad. Many of the details of Heath's funeral are here: Michelle broke down while reading Shakespeare's Sonnet 18, which begins, "Shall I compare thee to summer's day." Then she and the other mourners walked into the ocean, where they slapped the water and yelled Heath's name like they wanted him to hear. Also inside: Upon checking into a NYC hotel, Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham was pissed no paparazzi had followed her. "Where are the photographers? I want them alerted that I'm here!" she reportedly said. She also had lunch at Michael's and her date was late — Posh was seen sitting alone at her table fiddling with her BlackBerry and twitching in her seat for half an hour. The nerve of some people! Plus: After reading comments from people who hated her music video, Heidi Montag says, "I cried myself to sleep. I'm just a 21-year-old from a small town in Colorado trying to follow her dreams." Spencer Pratt says, "I don't think I need to defend it, it's a piece of art." Also a piece of art: The surely staged photo accompanying this article, which features Heidi sitting on a curb, holding her CD and weeping as Spencer ardently kisses her head. Lastly, Britney is making "baby steps" on the road to recovery, and her mom says she sees glimpses of her daughter coming back. Yet she continues to speak in a British accent! But Brit has no credit cards and no cash right now; she's basically grounded.
Grade: C (rain)

In Touch
"I Don't Want My Kids Back." Britney's been talking to her first husband, Jason Alexander. He claims Brit says she wants to see her boys, but doesn't want to be a full-time mom. She feels like she can always have other kids later on. (!!!!) Also inside: While Angelina was in Iraq, she wasn't scared at all — though she did wear a bullet-proof vest and have a security team of 10... the security cost of visit reportedly ran up to $100,000. Michael Lohan tells the magazine that daughter Lindsay has been on Oxycodone, Adderall, Xanax and Ambien, "But most young people shouldn't be on some of these medications. Instead, they should get spiritual guidance and exercise." Meanwhile, Lindsay was seen swapping numbers with Josh Hartnett at NYC hotspot Beatrice Inn. Lastly: Jason Biggs' fiancée is pregnant;Destiny's Child singer Kelly Rowland was upset that her solo CD didn't do as well as she'd hoped (But! She got a boob job); while the writers' strike was on, a lot of stars went off their diets — "they soften up when they're not working," the mag says. Yet they are all still very thin!
Grade: C+ (flurries)

Star
"Married In Mexico!" Britney and Adnan Ghalib had a quickie wedding back on January 9, but it's taken everyone this long to figure it out! When Britney accused her mom of sleeping witih her husband, it wasn't Kevin she was talking about — her "hubby" is Adnan. Since the elopement took place four days after she was rushed to the hospital and declared 5150, there's no telling what her mental state was during the nuptials. Plus: Adnan gets free Ed Hardy clothing on the condition that he wears it when he's with Britney (and gets photographed in it). Also inside: Knocked-up Jessica Alba says, "Every couple of hours, I turn into Satan if I don't eat something." Josh Hartnett and Helena Christensen were seen hanging all over each other; they're clinging to each other for comfort after Heath's death. Madonna probably had an eye and eyebrow lift, as well as Botox and fat injected into her face, since her eyes look different, her forehead has no lines and she's got apple-cheeks. Blind item! "Which hot TV star who is dating an award-winning singer likes to play while the cat is away? The actor has been busy making the round during NYC's fashion week trying to score with lots of ladies." Jennifer Aniston, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are all named as co-hosts of a pre-Oscar benefit in Beverly Hills on February 23. "Brad is prepared for a knock-down, drag-out fight," claims a source. Another insider says: "If Jen is nice, Angie will be nice. If Jen is mean, Angie will let her have it." Jamie Lynn Spears is known for "drinking to get wrecked." She even drank mouthwash. Residents of Kentwood, LA are spilling all her business: "I know for a fact that [baby daddy] Casey was not her first," says one. "There were at least two others." Plus! JLS was at a party recently and made out with the host. The guy asked if she'd broken up with Casey, to which Jamie Lynn reportedly replied, "I'm pregnant. I can have have sex with anyone I want. I can't get pregnant again." When that guy ran away, JLS left with some other dude, who told everyone the next day that yeah, they had sex. But now she's going to move out of her mom's house an into a double-wide trailer. "That's how we do it in Louisiana," says a source. Kirsten Dunst is a drunk, maybe because, growing up, she always had to please her mom, her acting coaches or directors and not herself. Sigh. Heath Ledger had Oxycodone in his system when he died, but there was no bottle of those pills found in the apartment. Did Mary-Kate's bodyguard arrive before the police and remove it? "The person who provided Heath those drugs can be held responsible and possibly be charged with manslaughter," says a former medical examiner. Lastly: Kirstie Alley is "lonelier than ever and packing on the pounds again"; iIn a will-they-or-won't-they wedding story that's 6 pages long, Angelina and Brad may have a Buddhist ceremony; Jessica Alba is pressuring Cash to set a date; Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts will get hitched in Australia before the end of the year; and it doesn't look good for Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo: "All they do is fight."
Grade: B (blizzard with schools & offices closed)

*As seen here.

Pregnant! [Funny Or Die]