P.S. We like pictures because they're easier than reading, so feel free to send some our way.

P.S. No animals were drugged in the making of this video.

Earlier: Dr. Ruth Personally Advises Us On Period Sex

P.S. No animals were drugged in the making of this video.

P.S. No animals were drugged in the making of this video.

P.S. No animals were drugged in the making of this video.

• Racist Barbie-fondler Allison was kicked off America's Next Top Model. We were not sad to see her go.
  
• Moddels in Bahlinceeyagga looked tard. The white-washed runways at Paris fashion week made us tard.
  
• But Christian Siriano's win on Project Runway cheered us right up!
  
• Obama foreign policy advisor Samantha Power called Hillary Clinton a monster. Then she got canned.
  
• Maybe she should ask Slut Machine for advice?

• Memoirist and former gang member Margaret B. Jones turned out to be a fake memoirist named Peggy Seltzer. The only "gang" she was ever in was probs sold Samoas.
• You know who else got canned? A bunch of Jezebels.
• Our Sephora Spy conquered her cystic acne. And it only took hundreds of dollars of product.
• Well, you bitches can afford it: you're bringing home the bacon.

• Tuesday marked the 35th Anniversary of Roe vs. Wade. We told our stories and asked for yours.
  
• Heath Ledger died. We were all distraught about it and may have re-watched Ten Things I Hate About You and sobbed.
  
• Barbara Ehrenreich's comparison of the economy to a giant clit made us feel vaguely better.
  
• Also amusing: the myriad "talents" of Miss America contestants.
  
• Slut Machine doled out sage advice in the first video edition of Pot Psychology. Don't do drugs, kids!
  
• But do watch some barely legal Brazilian boys dance in their skivvies, get your old-ass hands pumped full of collagen and gnaw on some baby animals. It's been a doozy of a week, you're worth it!

Okay, so this is the graphic that I wanted to use instead of the Lucy one, as the still for the video, but Anna liked Lucy better. What do you think of it?

Dear Slut Machine, What do you do when you realize the person you've been sleeping with is a douche bag misogynist? Not quite at the level of Paul Janka, but still a douche. I've "dumped" him and cut him off, but what else can I do?

t feels like putting a glass bottle in the trash only to realize there's a recycling bin a few feet away, and you're like, "Had I known, I would not have contributed to this environmental problem!" You know? My usual solution, pissing on the asshole's mattress, won't work here. Help!

Dear Slut Machine, If I get high and eat an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's, but then wake up the next morning and don't remember doing it, do the calories still count?

Dear Slut Machine, I've been dating this guy for a little over a week. But we're in college and it's reading week (a vacation of no classes before finals) so we've been spending tons of time together. Last night, however, things got a little out of hand. And I plead not guilty to having instigated any of it. We went so far as to start having sex, but he stopped halfway through saying we were going too fast. I am at a school where most people haven't even had their first kisses yet, so I can understand why a guy would react like this in this particular social context. He freaked out, said he doesn't do this until he's "in love", I freaked out, and then I basically bolted. Now I'm not sure what to do or say. We are in a lot of classes together and involved in a couple of activities. So he will naturally be in my life for the next two and a half years. Oh, and we were completely sober during this whole ordeal. What do I do?

Dear Slut Machine, I'm gonna get hate on this, but I'm in love with my best friend's boyfriend. We've had sex twice, and text message everyday. Keep in mind he is also my boyfriend's best friend. We don't think what we do with each other has much to do with them. Are we (meaning we are all close, like everyday talk kind of close, on) totally gross and fooling ourselves?

Dear Slut Machine, I have a crush on my guy friend's roommate. I'm tempted to tell my friend that I heart his roommate, but I'd rather handle my own business. How do I go about showing his roommate that I'm interested without using my friend as a middle-man?

Orchestrate a situation (without making it seem like an orchestration) where you guys are all together at a time you think you will all get drunk. Like, drunk drunk. It'll work itself out from there. If they don't drink, then I can't imagine them being fun to hang out with, so you should just fuck the roommate and then peace on them both. If you don't drink, then maybe you should, if you're having problems like this. Happy holidays!

Dear Slut Machine, There is a young gentleman whose company I enjoy greatly; he seems favorably disposed toward me, as he tends to compliment my pink hair and biker boots. However, I fret over the possibility that I have given him the wrong impression of me. I typically see this particular gentleman at dinner parties hosted by our respective churches. I generally am somewhat more ladylike in these situations than usual, as my clergywoman has expressed disapproval of the f-bomb and I do so like to please her. I have also been somewhat less ebullient than I ordinarily am over the past few months; my father has been ill and I have been worried. Also, as a respected pillar of the community and president of one of the organizations which host these events, I feel the need to keep the conversation flowing between all attendees. As a result, I fear that I may have inadvertently given him the impression that I was uninterested in what he had to say when we last saw each other a fortnight ago by jumping into another conversation...or four. I do have a definite tendency toward being overly self-protective and trying to avoid having others know of my crushes, which may have been the reason for my pointless exercises in ignoring the gentleman whom I think of quite constantly when we're not in the same room. What is the appropriate etiquette for apologizing for these indiscretions and subtly indicating that one is romantically inclined toward another? Further, any suggestions as to how I might get him away from the formal environs of church without having 15 other college students going, "Ooooooooooh!" about it and gossiping?

But listen, do you remember that retarded book that Paris Hilton wrote, Confessions of an Heiress? (The subhead for it was something like "tongue-in-chic" if that gives you any idea about it.) Anyway, she actually gave a tip on how to live that I found strangely useful and kind of wise. "Tell people what they want to hear, and then do what you want." So that's what you should do. Act like Paris Hilton. Act like someone that is not a respected pillar of the community.

Dear Slut Machine, What's the right response when a close friend asks you what you think of their potential or new or soon-to-be-ex boyfriend/girlfriend? Regardless of what I think, it seems like I'm always put on the spot to say exactly what she/he wants to hear.

Dear Slut Machine, How do I nicely, and without sounding like my mother, tell my boyfriend that his table manners suck?

OK, here's a good one. I'm married to a great guy for 10 years. I started graduate school again. (I'm 32.) Now I'm in love with my good friend (a woman) and we're way more than just physical. She is compatible with me and we have great chemistry. He is almost my polar opposite but we have chemistry. Does bi-sexual exist if you are married or is it called "slut"?

I have a great and well-endowed boyfriend, but it's impossible for me to get hands-free orgasms in the sack. All of the tricks that I've read (reverse cowgirl, doggie style, etc.) don't ever work because for some reason, my clitoris has decided to be as far away as possible from my vagina that I never get any clit action during sex unless I'm the one manually doing it. Since you're a pro at sex, maybe you know other ways to get hands free orgasms during vaginal sex?

I recently reentered the dating world after a devastating marital breakup. Devastating, in no small part, because my husband and I were amazingly sexually compatible and had an astounding sex life even while he was inserting his peen in someone else's catbag for the final year of our union. I took up with a younger man who was, shall we say, rather fiery. We had sex a few times and it was ridiculous. He had me up on every piece of furniture in my house with my ankles behind my ears for two hours of hard pounding. I pleaded a few times and asked if we could just please lie down in a bed and go slowly every once in a while, to no avail. I have stopped dating him because I felt we were completely sexually incompatible. But should I have stuck it out? Could I have taught him to have sex my way? Is that possible? Or do some men just prefer the long, hard, gymnastic bang and can never be taught about the pleasures of a slow, languid romp with perhaps some hard pounding interspersed every now and again?

I have been seeing this guy for the past month or so. He is really good looking, great job, well-dressed, very polite and attentive. This weekend my friends met him for the first time, and their cumulative assessment was that he is GAY. At first I was in complete shock and a little offended, but then started considering the possibility: He cooked dinner for me, has not tried to sleep with me, and when I talk to him on the phone he is often shopping with his mother. Is he a metrosexual or totally gay?

Do you think that a guy with a girlfriend will ever dump her in favor of someone else he's sleeping with? My instinct is no but I totally want to believe otherwise for this guy I'm sometimes sleeping with and sometimes not. What do you think?

So guys, now's the time you should start calling Alexis Stewart and asking her if you can form a support group. The idea that your seed is potent forever is turning into a myth! Oh, and you may have heard that pot won't make you dumb, but it will make you less fertile in the long run. Boys — go easy on the bong now if you want to have healthy babies one day.

Men Have Biological Clocks, Too [ABC7Chicago.com]