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New York, 10:08 PM
Tue Nov 10
74 posts in the last 24 hours

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    Dsmvwl  Admin  Promote to frontpage Approve user Ban user ×
    Image of cirocco cirocco
    11/02/09

    In reply to Do We Need To Be Told How To Have Sex?
    I disagree with the gist of this piece. Wanting to be a good lover is akin to wanting to be a good cook--I want to eat well, and I want the people I love to eat well. Reading or viewing new techniques expands your ability to generate pleasure for both yourself and those at your table, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

    To use an example from Jez itself, I'll wager that at least one couple had mind-blowing sex after watching Tracie's Pot Psychology tutorial on how to incorporate a vibrator into their intercourse. A lot of things aren't intuitively obvious in bed. Talking to your partner helps, but how, for example, is a woman who's never had cunnilingus performed on her supposed to know what she likes? It's not something she can do to herself. Having an educated partner would be a great help to her. #sex
     Reply
    cirocco was starred cirocco was unstarred
    Image of Uncommon Whore Uncommon Whore
    11/02/09

    @cirocco: I've been half perusing the comments on this piece all day, and I really agree with what you've written.

    Heartily hearted. #sex
     Reply
    Uncommon Whore was starred Uncommon Whore was unstarred
    Image of blackbird_pie blackbird_pie
    11/02/09

    @cirocco: I think you're misunderstanding (what I got to be) the point.

    I understood this as saying, not that you shouldn't develop Good Sex Skills, but that not everybody's idea of Good Sex is SEXXX. I understood this as sort of saying that being a porn star is not the only way to have good sex. #sex
     Reply
    cirocco promoted this comment blackbird_pie was starred blackbird_pie was unstarred
    Image of Ariadne27 Ariadne27
    11/02/09

    @cirocco: Very good analogy with the cook.

    You definitely can learn to be good at sex. I can tell when someone has put effort into being good at sex, and it makes a mindblowing-ly huge difference. Pun intended.

    However, learning, in the sense I mean people should learn sex, has nothing to do with learning moves (although a few help), and everything to do with learning how to please your partner. And this is how I think people go wrong when they think they can learn sex from porn.

    From my experience, the people that have been best in bed know how to read their partners. Noise is one way, but that can be problematic because many guys don't make noise and girls can fake. However, you can notice things like toes curling, muscles tensing, back arching....

    If you change up what you do every so often and then watch the way your partner responds, you can learn what they like and keep doing it.

    Best tip for any guy though, is get the girl off either manually or orally before actual sex starts. Getting past the first orgasm is the hardest part, and it makes coming during sex that much easier if you're already primed. #sex
     Reply
    cirocco promoted this comment Ariadne27 was starred Ariadne27 was unstarred
    Image of cirocco cirocco
    11/02/09

    @Ariadne27: Vis-a-vis your last paragraph, that's yet another of those things that's different strokes for different folks. I know some women who are "masculine" that way--they build up to one big climax, and they lose interest in sex afterward, preferring to rummage in the fridge. With them, the trick is to tease them up to the edge repeatedly without going over it.

    Thumbs up to everything that preceded that, tho! Sex is like a website: it can only function well with feedback. Your point about guys being too quiet reminded me of article no. 5 in one of my favorite Craigslist posts ever:

    [www.craigslist.org]

    "It's OK for you to make noise. Otherwise, we feel like we are fucking a ninja." #sex
     Reply
    cirocco was starred cirocco was unstarred
    Image of Ariadne27 Ariadne27
    11/02/09

    @cirocco: Good point! There I go talking about variety and I forget that everyone isn't like me. The key is learning how to learn your partner, if that makes sense.

    And I'm TOTALLY going to use that quote somewhere! Amazing! #sex
     Reply
    Ariadne27 was starred Ariadne27 was unstarred
    Image of Pizza!Pizza!Pizza! Pizza!Pizza!Pizza!
    11/02/09

    In reply to Do We Need To Be Told How To Have Sex?
    On the plus side, you can kill two birds with one stone by watching David Cronenberg's 'Crash'! #sex
     Reply
    Pizza!Pizza!Pizza! was starred Pizza!Pizza!Pizza! was unstarred
    Image of JulieSunday JulieSunday
    11/02/09

    In reply to Do We Need To Be Told How To Have Sex?
    i'm a professional sex educator/sex advice giver and 98% of the stuff i get asked is people doing everything in their power to avoid having to just f'ing say to their partner: 'what would you like me to do (to you)?' sex books, sex advice, sex shows, sex coaching, whatever, makes us money because people are terrified of having to have those conversations. they hope that they'll just be 'good' without having to ask. in 98% of the answers, i say "ask your partner FOR THE LOVE OF GOD." #sex
     Reply
    Kaila Hale-Stern promoted this comment JulieSunday was starred JulieSunday was unstarred
    Image of redparchment redparchment
    11/02/09

    In reply to Do We Need To Be Told How To Have Sex?
    "I have nothing but admiration for anyone who's ever had the guts to simply come out and ask a lover what works and what doesn't."

    Really? This is shocking to me. If you're comfortable enough to get naked and let them see you from every which angle, why wouldn't you be comfortable enough to talk about how you like to have sex? They are both really intimate things to do, yes . . . I just don't see how gratifying sex can happen unless you talk about likes and dislikes at least once. #sex
     Reply
    Kaila Hale-Stern promoted this comment redparchment was starred redparchment was unstarred
    Image of Eriu Eriu
    11/02/09

    @redparchment: Well, that's the problem... a lot of women don't have gratifying sex because they're conditioned not to speak up for what they want and afraid of hurting men's feelings by telling them they're not pleasing them. The other side of this is that women also learn from porn/porn culture, which often amounts to lots of moaning and very little actual pleasure. With my current boyfriend, I was able to demand what I wanted, but mostly because I was so fed up from years of mostly lackluster experiences. It's not as easy as it sounds for most people, especially in a society that socializes women the way it does in all ways, and socializes everyone the way it does in regards to female sexuality.
     Reply
    Kaila Hale-Stern promoted this comment Edited by Eriu at 11/02/09 4:50 PM Eriu was starred Eriu was unstarred
    Image of Loungist Loungist
    11/02/09

    In reply to Do We Need To Be Told How To Have Sex?
    I recently broke up with my first- and after four years we had the sex thing down perfectly. One thing we had going for us was how long it took us so to successfully shed our virginities, which made us really creative in other ways.

    Now that I've slept with a few other people, I think "good at sex" is a misnomer, and really just means you are sexually compatible. I can't orgasm through intercourse, so for me, a sexually compatible partner would be someone who enjoys going downtown. My sister, on the other hand, hates that and all foreplay. Nothing about sex is universal. What we like in bed is based our bodies, experiences, associations, personalities...etc. #sex
     Reply
    Kaila Hale-Stern promoted this comment Loungist was starred Loungist was unstarred
    Image of AndPreciousLittleofThat AndPreciousLittleofThat
    11/02/09

    In reply to Do We Need To Be Told How To Have Sex?
    Getting sex tips from porno movies is like learning how to dunk a basketball by watching Michael Jordan on TV.

    It'll never happen the way it happens on the screen, and you'll probably hurt yourself VERY badly (and maybe permanently) if you try. #sex
     Reply
    AndPreciousLittleofThat was starred AndPreciousLittleofThat was unstarred
    Image of Elaken Elaken
    11/02/09

    In reply to Do We Need To Be Told How To Have Sex?
    I want to be told how to have sex. I feel like I have no clue what I am doing. My previous partners (and I use that term incredibly loosely) weren't really experiences I could learn from. The current one is pretty bad too.

    Frankly, if I could find someone to pay to teach me what to do and to help me figure out what I like, I definitely would. I just haven't turned to porn because that never seemed realistic to me. #sex
     Reply
    Elaken was starred Elaken was unstarred
    Image of JRae JRae
    11/02/09

    @Elaken: Masturbate, masturbate, masturbate. :) #sex
     Reply
    Elaken promoted this comment JRae was starred JRae was unstarred
    Image of Elaken Elaken
    11/02/09

    @JRae: I got that much down. lol. But that is kind of limited in exploration, or at least I feel so.

    Conrad - I will definitely check out that book. #sex
     Reply
    Elaken was starred Elaken was unstarred
    Image of JRae JRae
    11/03/09

    @Elaken: Haha ok! Well you got a solid base for knowing how to turn yourself on, you can work from there adding in your partner and trying and asking about different things they might like, and letting them know what you like. :)

    But I bet that book wouldn't hurt either, and would probably be a little faster than trial and error. :)

    Oh and, and communicating with your partner doesn't have to be explicitly instructive, or even verbal. When they're doing something you don't like, either move their hand or whatever somewhere else, or take charge and change the position or whatever's going on yourself. If you like what they're doing, give good positive feedback (I like to moan, but you could writhe or whatever comes naturally to you).

    You don't have to explicitly criticize someone unless you keep moving their hand away and they keep returning to the thing you don't like for whatever reason. Then you could just be like "I prefer this instead of that." #sex
     Reply
    JRae was starred JRae was unstarred
    Image of BicSharpie BicSharpie
    11/02/09

    In reply to Do We Need To Be Told How To Have Sex?
    I prefer to have sex like a Ninja -- silent and efficient. #sex
     Reply
    BicSharpie was starred BicSharpie was unstarred
    Image of Vivelafat says Sweep the leg, Johnny. Vivelafat says Sweep the leg, Johnny.
    11/02/09

    @BicSharpie: and with throwing stars. #sex
     Reply
    Vivelafat says Sweep the leg, Johnny. was starred Vivelafat says Sweep the leg, Johnny. was unstarred
    Image of Eriu Eriu
    11/02/09

    In reply to Do We Need To Be Told How To Have Sex?
    Unfortunately, though, guys just doing what comes naturally doesn't usually please a woman. Not that women get an equal share of orgasms as it is, but men just doing what feels right isn't going to solve that. I think it's idealistic and unrealistic to act as though no one (especially men in heterosexual relationships, since it's generally harder to make a woman orgasm than a man) needs to learn how to please a partner. Porn is the absolute worst place to learn it, and most men who emulate porn think they're pleasing a woman when they're actually not. But if being good in bed is giving your partner pleasure, why shouldn't everybody be good in bed? Why should anybody receive pleasure from their partner but not be able, or willing to do what it takes, to give it?
     Reply
    colormeroutine promoted this comment Edited by Eriu at 11/02/09 3:40 PM Eriu was starred Eriu was unstarred
    Image of RiloKilo RiloKilo
    11/02/09

    In reply to Do We Need To Be Told How To Have Sex?
    Did anyone see "Kinsey"? Remember the scene after Kinsey and his wife had just gotten married, and they're both trying to lose their virginity? Painful. Very. So I think that a certain amount of education and "instruction" is perfectly valid (though I wouldn't recommend porn as an instructional video). There's something to be said for spelling it all out, as far as the mechanics go. #sex
     Reply
    Kaila Hale-Stern promoted this comment RiloKilo was starred RiloKilo was unstarred
    Image of emfish55 emfish55
    11/02/09

    In reply to Do We Need To Be Told How To Have Sex?
    In total agreement with the thesis here, though I actually wonder if Williams meant something different by suggesting men don't just do what "comes naturally". For young men just starting to have sex, what comes naturally is masturbation. Learning to focus some attention on the living breathing human being you're with kind of is a skill in that case. Not one you can learn from porn, or sex coaches, or the pages of Cosmo. But a skill of adulthood, like learning to listen when someone else speaks, or how to deal with a broken heart.

    But the spirit of your critique is right on. Sex is NOT like bowling. Though I sincerely recommend any evening that involves both activities, because they're both really fun. #sex
     Reply
    emfish55 was starred emfish55 was unstarred
    Image of msAnthrope msAnthrope
    11/02/09

    In reply to Do We Need To Be Told How To Have Sex?
    THANK YOU. my god what did people do before pornographic magazines and movies? it's amazing the species survived! seriously though to me the biggest sexual turnoff is when it's obvious your partner is just going through the motions of the last porn video they saw. when it's just about copying moves instead of being with you and present and real, it's such un-erotic sex to me.

    why are people afraid to be spontaneous? as other commentors have said, there are no universals here. what might work in one relationship might not in another, but if you can be open with your partner you can find out what pleases you both. #sex
     Reply
    msAnthrope was starred msAnthrope was unstarred
    Image of JLady JLady
    11/02/09

    @msAnthrope: Precisely. You can't "learn to have sex" because each partner is different. Really, in the sexual arena all we have are our instincts, and they will serve us a lot better than porn will. #sex
     Reply
    JLady was starred JLady was unstarred
    Image of pinch_vintage pinch_vintage
    11/02/09

    In reply to Do We Need To Be Told How To Have Sex?
    "But the idea that sex is a skill, like bowling, for which we need instructions, actually seems like part of porn culture to me."

    Sex itself may not be the skill, but the skills you need to hone to have good sex (communication, awareness, sensuality, etc.) will, when learned, only make you a more capable and comfortable human being. Sex just gives you a reason--orgasms are like nature's reward for empathy. And exercise. #sex
     Reply
    boxspelunker promoted this comment pinch_vintage was starred pinch_vintage was unstarred
    Image of RiloKilo RiloKilo
    11/02/09

    @pinch_vintage: It bothers me that many people think sex is "instinctual." I mean, I guess it sort of is, but if you've grown up in a conservative environment where sex is simply not discussed, the mechanics of it can actually be pretty confusing I'd think. Especially if the woman involved doesn't have a lot of knowledge of her own body. I don't think we can minimize the positive effect of discussing sex openly, and yes, even reading books on the subject. #sex
     Reply
    Katxyz promoted this comment RiloKilo was starred RiloKilo was unstarred
    Image of pinch_vintage pinch_vintage
    11/02/09

    @RiloKilo: Yay for book-reading! Besides the usual Betty Dodson, I think erotica/really well written fictional sex can do a lot to humanize and present an experience of human sexuality that's connected to emotions, like in life.

    Although, growing up I was a huge Pynchon fan, and probably would've guessed normal sex should involve 7 people, 7 types of acid, food, animals, and Impolex G. #sex
     Reply
    pinch_vintage was starred pinch_vintage was unstarred
    Image of JLady JLady
    11/02/09

    @RiloKilo: I think the instinctual part is still important though. Obviously being able to talk about the experience and knowledge of your body are very important. But the instincts of that feels good vs. that isn't something I like aren't things you can learn, but are important factors in how much you enjoy your sex life. #sex
     Reply
    JLady was starred JLady was unstarred
    Image of RiloKilo RiloKilo
    11/02/09

    @JLady: Oh, definitely. I don't think there's any replacement for experimentation and talking to your partner, but a certain level of basic instruction can also be really helpful I think. I don't think anyone should be embarrassed to "research" the subject, you know? Just... not through porn. #sex
     Reply
    RiloKilo was starred RiloKilo was unstarred
    Image of NefariousNewt NefariousNewt
    11/02/09

    In reply to Do We Need To Be Told How To Have Sex?
    Porn makes me laugh -- people f**king is just hilarious in those things. I've watched parts of three in my life, and I just bust out laughing.

    Look, I don't think we need "sex practice" or someone standing there giving us instructions. Once we get the basic idea, the fun is in the exploration. Sometimes you'll do it well, sometimes you won't, but you'll learn as you go. And frankly, the only person you have to please is yourself and your partner, and as long as you do that, who cares how you do it? #sex
     Reply
    NefariousNewt was starred NefariousNewt was unstarred
    Image of Cesybabe or Nirvanah Crane Cesybabe or Nirvanah Crane
    11/02/09

    @NefariousNewt: The Pirates porn movies are a huge joke, so my friends and I like to get together and watch and laugh. Except for one time we tried to watch, and the absurd movement of the fake pirate ship gave one friend motion sickness and we had to stop. #sex
     Reply
    Cesybabe or Nirvanah Crane was starred Cesybabe or Nirvanah Crane was unstarred
    Image of sybann sybann
    11/02/09

    In reply to Do We Need To Be Told How To Have Sex?
    I loved this article - it was SO reminiscent of the time I had to gently explain to a lover that the endless banging was never going to have the - eh hem - desired result. "Please," I begged, "a little manual stimulation as a warm up will go a long way to making any woman you're with more receptive."

    His response "I've never had any complaints before!"

    Dumped. #sex
     Reply
    sybann was starred sybann was unstarred
    Image of Pizza!Pizza!Pizza! Pizza!Pizza!Pizza!
    11/02/09

    @sybann: "I've never had any complaints before!"

    This one is always delight.Or the guys under the impression that every single woman they've ever slept with (before you) was somehow part of the tiny minortiy that can orgasm without a vibrator or manual stimulation. No honey, they're more likely part of the other, unfortunate minority of women who fake it. #sex
     Reply
    Pizza!Pizza!Pizza! was starred Pizza!Pizza!Pizza! was unstarred
    Image of ItchykooParker ItchykooParker
    11/02/09

    @sybann: "I've never had any complaints before"???? SERIOUSLY? Dumped is right! #sex
     Reply
    ItchykooParker was starred ItchykooParker was unstarred
    Image of sybann sybann
    11/02/09

    @ItchykooParker/Pizza3: And you'll both LOVE this - years later he asked why I dumped him and I said "if you remember the discussion just before, it was all about how we could both enjoy ourselves during sex and you expressed a resistance to doing anything differently."

    ...and then he said it AGAIN. #sex
     Reply
    sybann was starred sybann was unstarred
    Image of sybann sybann
    11/02/09

    @sybann: And btw: this forum is about the only place I am really blunt - unless seriously pissed off. I was raised by a southern lady. #sex
     Reply
    sybann was starred sybann was unstarred
    Image of AndPreciousLittleofThat AndPreciousLittleofThat
    11/02/09

    @sybann: Good lord. The words "I've never had any complaints before" are only acceptable when delivered by an overworked short-order cook to a picky diner.

    Yeah guy, the reason why you haven't had any complaints is that it's probably just easier to dump your overly confident ass. Again and again. And again. #sex
     Reply
    AndPreciousLittleofThat was starred AndPreciousLittleofThat was unstarred
    Image of ItchykooParker ItchykooParker
    11/02/09

    @sybann: LOL. Thank you. That's the best laugh I had all day. An incredulous laugh, but a laugh all the same. #sex
     Reply
    ItchykooParker was starred ItchykooParker was unstarred
    Image of ErinJane ErinJane
    11/02/09

    @ItchykooParker:
    I have a guy friend who insists that he has never had a girl not cum from the humpty-hump sex alone.

    Me: Um....No. Some girls can. Most cannot. That is statistically unlikely.

    Him: But they always say I am the best they ever had.

    Me: *Pat on the back*. You poor boy. #sex
     Reply
    ItchykooParker promoted this comment ErinJane was starred ErinJane was unstarred
    Image of ItchykooParker ItchykooParker
    11/03/09

    @ErinJane: lol I can just hear that conversation. Of COURSE you are the best they ever had! #sex
     Reply
    ItchykooParker was starred ItchykooParker was unstarred
    Image of SgtMelbaToast SgtMelbaToast
    12:16 AM

    @sybann: Ug, this just brought back horrible memories of similar moments in my life. Biggest turnoff ever! "It's not like I haven't done this before" is not the way to respond to a friendly request during a sexual encounter. #sex
     Reply
    sybann promoted this comment SgtMelbaToast was starred SgtMelbaToast was unstarred
    Image of sybann sybann
    07:34 AM

    @SgtMelbaToast: "YES! And we're all exactly the same! And guess what? We all LIE about how good you are."

    tool. #sex
     Reply
    sybann was starred sybann was unstarred
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