Jezebel: Poop

Teen Parent Does A Crap Job

Slut Machine — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 11:00:00 EDT

On last night's Baby Borrowers, the teens traded in their babies for toilet-training toddlers, which proved to be an even bigger challenge. Morgan, the chillaxed SoCal girl, didn't seem to be too stressed about it, even though she made some pretty big errors in childrearing. When her toddler pooped himself, she first let him roll around on her neighbors' couch with just the diaper on until they complained. Then she dragged the kid by the arm across the floor. When she changed his diaper, she didn't even wipe the crap off him, she just put a fresh diaper on. Poor baby probably got a wicked rash from that. The interesting thing about last night's episode is that most of the teen parents were fighting over who would get to work and who would have to stay home with the children that week. Almost all of them wanted to work outside the home, proving just how hard, valid, and important stay-at-home parenting really is. Clip above.

"Does The Horrific Taste Of Vagina Become Less Vomitous As I Get Used To Oral?"

Slut Machine — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 16:20:00 EDT

It's time for another installment of Pot Psychology, the advice column in which everyone's problems are solved with an "herbal" remedy. (Remember, kids: Don't do drugs!) In this episode, the Molly to my Nomi, Rich, helps me dole out advice on stuff like smegma, internet sex, and incest. Got a burning question? Send it to tips@jezebel.com with "Pot Psychology" in the subject line. (Please keep them short; they're verrrry hard to read when stoned.)

Just Another Sticky Night Of Abject Stupidity

Megan Carpentier — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 18:30:33 EDT

Hey, remember how we were going to, like, tax oil companies more and stuff? Yeah, not gonna happen anytime soon. [Washington Post]
But, hey, monkeys can fish! So, as long as we don't eat all the fish or kill all the monkeys before we drive ourselves into extinction, they can totes rule the world later. [AP]
Yes, that was a cheap distraction before I told you that we're totally fucked in Afghanistan and no one has any idea what to do about it. [Washington Independent]
But that's ok, because Obama might pick Ret. Gen. James Jones, the former NATO Supreme Allied Commander, as VP, because now the Democratic party is all about getting the military dudes on the take so they can look "strong" and shit. Only, the story is actually complete bullshit because he's already a McCain adviser and someone is laughing at MSNBC besides me. [MSNBC, Politico]

In other news of the stupid, Republican Senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma has crowned himself the new Miss South Carolina by releasing a commercial trumpeting his foreign policy credential: "Ethiopia. Zambia. Iraq. Twenty-nine intense trips in 12 years to the front — to the saddest parts of Africa." Oh, wait, where's Iraq again? [Washington Independent]
And, apparently we're going to try to make all the lefty protesters crap their pants at once at the conventions this summer. Oh, that's a brilliant idea. Better shitting than shouting? [Fox News]
But in good news, Republicans in the Senate have now defined electoral success in November as only losing eight seats to the Democrats. If they lose 9, they can't even filibuster, which is the only thing they give a shit about doing anyway. [HuffPo]
And, just to mess with you, McCain said today, "I will veto every single beer." Damn that man, even if he is willing to call his home turf a swing state. [CNN, Washington Independent]

Oprah Helps Grown Man Go Poo Poo On The Potty

Slut Machine — Thu, 22 May 2008 11:00:00 EDT

Yesterday's Oprah was all about people with extreme obsessive compulsive disorder. She shipped a group of them off to a camp with Dr. Oz and an OCD specialist, both of whom were given the difficult task of helping one man overcome his fear of sitting on a toilet seat — any toilet seat. The guy can't even crap on the toilet at his own home, so he's been pooping outside for years. At camp, his therapy required him to touch a toilet seat and then lick his fingers. Honestly, I don't even want to ever have to do that, and I don't even have OCD. It worked for him, however! He's been crapping on the can in his own home since he left Oprah's camp. Clip above.

Potty Girls

maria — Tue, 06 May 2008 16:20:00 EDT

Here's a little toilet humor for you: a video from The Graham Norton Show where producers put speakers in a women's public restroom [My favorite subject! -Ed.] and make various poop/fart noises as they videotape random people's reactions. However, they probably didn't have to go to such great lengths to show farting in a women's restroom (we all know what goes in the public restroom, or as we call it, "the echo chamber") although they probably would have been hard pressed to find someone telling a toilet paper-less friend going number two to "just use your panties." Ew! Now that is just vile. [Funny Or Die]

Expensive Shit

maria — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 14:20:00 EDT

With all the shit you put on your face did you ever think about putting actual shit on your face? Apparently some people do. A spa in New York City offers a $180 "Geisha Facial" that includes one special ingredient: bird poop. Nightingale droppings have been used for centuries in Japan by Geisha and Kabuki dancers to take off their stage makeup and remove wrinkles. But isn't $180 a bit much to have someone rub shit on your face — and take away a bit of your dignity while they are doing it? The answer is yes! Especially considering we found it for less than 20 bucks online. [Reuters, Chidoriya]

I Went For A Colonic And All I Got Was A Load Of Crap

Slut Machine — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 15:00:00 EDT

I've had poop issues for some time now. I'm pretty sure I have some kind of mild IBS, although IBS is really just a blanket term for a host of gastrointestinal problems. Anyway, I've only pooped four times in the past three weeks. (Most likely caused by my love affair with any and all cheeses.) So this weekend, on my 8th straight day of constipation, I went to NYC's Great Jones Spa for my very first colonic to try get out the shit that's been keeping me dressed in pseudo-maternity tops. Lemme tell you something: It was not fun. I guess it wasn't supposed to be, but honestly, I had to sit through 45 minutes of what felt like heavy period cramps, all while fearless Intern Betty stood by my side to film the process (and hold my crossword book for when I had to move to the toilet at the end). I felt much better afterward (and emptied myself of an impressive 2.5 lbs of poop), but I think I'll be relying on my new dairy-free diet to move me from now on. Clip above.

Oprah Makes Oz A Star; Girl Gangs In Central America; Why Men Are Idiots

maria — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 16:40:00 EDT

Ed Note: We hear about and see so many stories that we can't find the time to comment on that we're gonna try something new: "Leftovers", a daily "accounting" of the stuff we had to leave behind. Let us know if you like it, and, obviously, feel free to click through on the stories and flesh them out for everybody.

• Oprah sells her old designer clothes to crazy fans. • Oprah to create a "Dr. Oz" TV show. • Central American girls flee abusive homes to join machista street gangs. • Cat poop coffee goes for £50 a cup at Sloane Square, London. • British man can't gain weight, hopes to "cure obesity." • Delude yourself into losing weight! • Miss World contestants have to prove that they actually care about helping people. • Woman photographs endearingly eccentric prostitutes in Las Vegas. • New book claims biological reasons for women becoming flustered and men being idiots. • A 42-year-old woman claims to having been forced to have sex with teens by her lover. • Baby Couture, a new magazine, shills for Prada Kids and makes a play-on-words with "flip-flops." • A man in Louisiana was denied a request to wear a short skirt in public. • Large-breasted gals told ill-fitting bras may be the root of their back pain.

"Is It True That You Should Sleep Without Panties On To Air Out?"

Slut Machine — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 16:20:00 EDT

It's time for another installment of Pot Psychology, the advice column in which everyone's problems are solved with an "herbal" remedy. (As always: Don't do drugs!) It was my pleasure to get baked with my brother of another mother, Rich, and attempt to tackle issues like "accidental virginity", personal hygiene, and telling your ex you have syphilis. (Note that I said "attempt.") Got a burning question? Send it to tips@jezebel.com with "Pot Psychology" in the subject line. (Please keep them short; they're verrrry hard to read when stoned.)

Bad Girls "Boot" Tyra Banks Off Own Show

Slut Machine — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 13:00:00 EST

The members of Oxygen's reality show The Bad Girls Club were on Tyra yesterday, and their bickering pissed off TyTy so much that she got up actually walked off-set. The episode was essentially a continuation of what goes on in the Bad Girls house (lots of screaming, threats and judgmental comments) and the smug, sanctimonious utterances coming out of Neveen's mouth drove me up a wall. She judged the others' mothering skills (which she clearly knows nothing about), what they do for a living, and their sex lives. In the clip above, Jennavecia calls Neveen out for eating cat poop in a YouTube video, which Neveen first tries to deny, and then tries to defend. I'll say one good thing about Neveen however: She actually possesses the power to make Tyra Banks walk away.

Oprah To Start TV Network; Likely To Include Shows About S-Shaped Shit

Slut Machine — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 16:30:00 EST

Have you heard? Oprah is creating her own television network, "OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network," which will "entertain, inform and inspire people to live their best lives." Debuting in 2009, it's probably not gonna be the suckfest that her previous investment, Oxygen, turned out to be. First of all, it will start off in 70 million homes, since it's going to replace what's now the Discovery Health Channel, which is bad news for fans of documentaries about people with lobster claws, mermaid syndrome, or hearts born on the outside of their bodies. And while Oprah doesn't really focus on physical abnormalities that much, she's definitely into bodily functions. (You just know that Dr. Oz will have his own show on the network, and since O will have full editorial control of programming.) We decided to have a little fun and try to guess what shows will be on OWN. Obvs, because of her obsession with bowel movements — specifically S-shaped ones — we figured that her first show would be The Scoop on Poop.

So what other shows will be on her schedule? Well the lineup might be:

Hey! Hey! Vajayjay!
A daytime, round-table discussion, akin to The View, about — what else? — vaginas.

Dr. Oz Goes To...
Dr. Mehmet Oz will go on travel adventures, and tell us all the gross medical ailments of that location, as well as the healing methods from the region. First episode: Dr. Oz Goes To... Montecito.

Hangin' With Gayle
A real-time reality show that checks in with Gayle King once a day for an hour, as she runs errands, eats pizza, clips her toenails, or you know, clips Oprah's toenails.

The Reading Heart
Oprah reads us a chapter from whatever book she chooses, as our bedtime story, and her sign off for the day.

Oprah Winfrey and Discovery Communications to Form New Joint Venture: 'OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network' [PR Newswire]

Earlier: The Most Disgusting Discussion Ever On Oprah
Oprah Asks: "What Shape Should Your Poop Be?"
Oprah Winfrey: Still Obsessed With Bowel Movements

The Most Disgusting Discussion Ever On Oprah

Slut Machine — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 18:00:00 EST

You know how Oprah tends to take it there, no matter what the topic? Like, she when she's discussing something, she goes all the way with it, not really for sensationalism's sake, but because she has a genuine, obsessive interest in the things she tends to discuss. One of those things is poop. Seriously, it's like Dr. Mehmet Oz isn't really an M.D., but a shit technician, since she has him discussing bowel movements so often. Today was a rerun of one of those illuminating "Ask Dr. Oz" episodes, in which he discussed something called pinworm that sounds so horrifying that he really should have told us sitting around a campfire while holding a flashlight under his chin. Enjoy!

Is It Winter Yet? Check The Panda Poo

Jennifer — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 18:00:00 EST

Winter is almost here (two days, folks!) and your toes are cold. What about the critters? An article in today's Washington Post explains about how zoo animals deal with cold temperatures. Most beasts adopt the same measures in captivity that they do in the wild: Some grow thicker and longer coats — or like deer, grow a different color coat that does a better job of retaining body heat. And it's easy to tell when the pandas are ready for winter: Their shit changes color. Cute (and unrelated) panda video from Japan above, and more Post stuff about panda poop after the jump.

How do zookeepers know that the giant pandas are getting ready for winter? Their poop turns yellow! In the summer it's green, thanks to a diet of bamboo leaves and bark. But in the winter the pandas munch the inside of the grassy treat. That part, called culm, is loaded with carbohydrates and gives Mei Xiang, Tian Tian and Tai Shan extra energy to help them keep warm.

Meanwhile, elephants like to play in the snow, according to one of the directors at DC's National Zoo: "[They] will make snowballs; they'll go down on their sides and rub their heads in it." Funny! (You know what else is hilarious? Imagining a dog as a temp.)

Baby Twin Panda [YouTube]
How's The Weather Out There? [Washington Post]
50 Animals With Day Jobs [Best Week Ever]
Earlier: Kim Cattrall Reverses Position On Killing Animals

Although it has recently come to our attention ...

heather — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 15:45:00 EDT

Although it has recently come to our attention that constipation is as much if not more of a problem for women than men, men also have days when they need to induce gentle release—or, in the case of this product from 1936, explosive diarrhea. The happy housewife in this ad from ModernMechanix gave her husband some NR tablets, which didn't just provide "partial relief," but "thorough, cleansing action that aided in ridding his system of poisonous waste." Then she took some herself! You, too can use NR tablets when you need to shit your brains out, the stuff is now called Nature's Remedy. Or Ex-Lax. [ModernMechanix]

The Nuances and Complexities of Digestion

heather — Fri, 10 Aug 2007 14:35:30 EDT

There's something that's been bothering me—and womankind in general, I suspect—for quite some time: my bowels. (Between this and the pubic rumination, I suppose it's increasingly clear that I'm going to be the gross, TMI guest editor, as opposed to the gross, TMI regular editors.)

I suspect most of us ladies have a love-hate relationship with our digestive systems. Unless you've got some fetish going on (no judgments!), there's not much to love about the, uh, product—but don't try and tell me that you don't feel better after taking care of business! Alternately, there are few discomforts quite so exquisite as the overwhelming fullness of constipation (not to mention the distended-belly-bloated visual effect). And while we could talk and cringe all day about the various sorts of backups and clog-causing situations, there's one in particular that I find really troubling, one that seems, in my uninformed opinion, scientifically inexplicable.

When I'm traveling, I'm not crapping. Plain and simple. This isn't simply a matter of being constipated while in transit. I could be settled in my private vacation paradise for weeks, and I won't be able to relieve myself for the life of me. I could take a gentle women's laxative, certainly, but if I don't normally have this issue, why does it come up under these odd circumstances?!

Plenty of woman are simply "poo-shy," uncomfortable with admitting to having bodily functions in the presence of new acquaintances who, thanks to close quarters, make it difficult to go to the bathroom with any dignity. I, too, have suffered from this—but usually nature wins out. If I've gotta go, no amount of modesty will stand in my way. What I'm talking about is the sheer inability to regularly move my bowels so long as I'm anywhere vaguely unfamiliar. Take me away from my normal surroundings, and those bitches get stubborn.

Thankfully, it's not just me. Though an awkward query of the dude sitting across the table from me suggests that men don't have this sort of issue, an informal and hasty IM survey reveals perhaps a girly trend piece in the making:

"Yes, it always takes a few days. New surroundings I think."
"yup, I usually get constipated. but that has a lot to do with poo-shyness. like i COULD NOT shit at joe's house in fire island. cause it is WAY too quiet there. and none of the doors lock at all. the shyness is so strong. that it manifests as actual constipation."
"i went to peru in february and i was there for over a week and i only went twice. i had to go buy this like fiber saw dust stuff there. but i'm always constipated so i guess i don't know what it's like to be normal. although it does get worse on vacay."
"oh, that never happens to me. I get a lot of fiber." [Ed: Bitch.]
"omg once my family and i did this trip to portugal spain and morocco. it was like 14 days, and my sister and i did not crap for like 12. we were COUNTING. and some of the food was weird while we were traveling which forced us to keep eating bread, and we were just getting more and more irritable and bloated. it was so funny. plus! hemorrhoids! i mean you really freak out just THINKING about 'anal bleeding—am i right?"

Um, right! These insights doesn't necessarily answer my need for understanding nor my cries of "Why?!"—but at least we know that though we may suffer in silence, we don't suffer alone.

Isaiah Washington Makes Amends When No One's Watching

Anna — Thu, 24 May 2007 19:30:00 EDT

Grey's Anatomy's resident homophobe, Isaiah Washington, to appear in PSA tonight condemning hate speech. Too bad pretty much every Thursday night show is on hiatus and no one will be viewing network TV! [People]
A bird took a shit on the President today. Then Cheney tried to shoot it but hit Barney instead. [CrooksAndLiars]
Naomi Campbell to star in a romantic comedy. [Fashionista]
"Women's fertility" supporter wants to save us from birth-control pills. [Feministing]
We continue to have a bad feeling about the whales. [CNN]