1.) Who farted?
Bigger than the mystery of whether or not this whole thing was a publicity stunt is the mystery of which Heene family member's heinie gave a Bronx cheer.


Entertainment Tonight is all over this thing.


2.) Speaking of potty humor…
I love this girl.


3.) "Well, fuck you."


4.) 12¢ Cheeseburgers


5.) Wendy Williams fucked up a lot this week.
More than usual.


6.) This kook says she's spoken to Michael Jackson since he died.


7.) Balloon Boy will not steal Jon Gosselin's thunder!
This week Jon was, again, all over The Insider and Entertainment Tonight (which led to the lawsuit TLC filed against him today). After his appearance in court earlier this week, when a judge ordered him to return $180,000 he took from Kate and his children, Jon appeared tense. Here, he explains his clenched jaw.


Entertainment Tonight managed to get Rod Stewart's opinion on Jon, as though Rod is some kind of father of the year. (Rod's children have, in fact, been on reality TV, and one of them appeared on Celebrity Rehab, which is a giant parental fail.)


8.) Asians don't need Botox, according to Jon Gosselin.
But he would like to get new hair plugs.


9.) Jon is trying to distance himself from Michael Lohan.


And that's probably a good thing, considering that Lindsay's dad filmed an episode of Maury this week, which, as of yet, has no scheduled air date.


10.) 30 Rock is back!

1.) Models of the Runway
It's boring…and "dumb."

I love Heidi's reaction to them.

2.) Speaking of Dumb
Who the fuck forgets the words to "God Bless America"? Especially if it's your job to remember them.

3.) Gosselin Kids Promise Not To Murder Their Mother

4.) The Insider: "Michael Jackson…A Ladies Man?"

Did they mean like this?

5.) Anal Retentive
That OCD guy from that Bravo show doesn't allow his employees to poop in the office bathrooms, and if they do, and he finds out about it, he gets revenge.

6.) Anal Retentive, Part 2
On the TLC show Truth Be Told, people with who are obsessed with their pets were profiled. This woman swears she's "not a crazy pet owner," although she does admit to—and is filmed—wiping her dogs ass after she (the dog, not the owner) shits.

I wonder if this dog sleeps in her wig.

7.) Kim Sleeps in Her Wig

What would NeNe think?

8.) Everyone Thinks Spencer Pratt Is An Idiot

9.) Steven Seagal Is Working
Is anyone else as excited about Steven Seagal's new reality show as I am?

10.) My Sentiments, Exactly

But yeah. Last night I dreamed about pooping: Specifically, that I was in a restaurant someplace downtown and left the table, urged by my bowels. The public restroom was shockingly filthy, and the stalls had no doors, but I had to go. I squatted and let loose; crapping for what felt like forty minutes. People — including random dudes — came and went. I could not stop the excrement.

According to John Tierney of the Times, research shows that people tend to attach significance to a dream if it is about something or someone they like. Negative dreams get brushed off as "just a dream." That's why if you dream about taking a year off to travel, you probably think your dreams are telling you something. If you dream about spending a year in a leper colony? Not so much.

Doctors are still studying dreams, however, and Tierney links to a dream survey designed by researchers at Harvard University. The survey asks participants to describe recent dreams, and questions include "How likely is it that the events you dreamt of will occur in the future?" and "In general, do you believe that dreams can foretell the future?" Tierney writes, "Dr. Morewedge and Dr. Norton have have promised to give Lab readers a report of the results." So of course I wrote about my crappy dream. But there wasn't an opportunity to tell the docs that when I woke up, I pooped. And it felt great.

What Do Dreams Mean? Whatever Your Bias Says, Any Dreams to Report? [NY Times]
Earlier: Pooping: The New Hot Shit

[Image via AllPosters.com.]

DODAI: OK, I have a lot of questions, so let me just fire away: Where did you get the idea of Target: Women? Did you see something stupid one day and just snap?

SARAH HASKINS: Yes — Target Women is part of a show on Current TV called infoMania. I was writing for that show and I wanted to do something on-air as well. In my search for ideas I saw a ton of yogurt commercials and I was reminded of how ridiculous they always seemed to me. So, that started it. We built Target Women around that idea.

DODAI: And since then, you've been able to riff on a lot of companies which "target" women: In regards to ad campaigns, why do you think they have such a tough time making ads for women that make sense?

SARAH HASKINS: I think they're trying to toe a very fine line between seeming "with it" in terms of modern female roles and responsibilities while trying to do the tricky dance of selling us products that are related to much more traditional things: cleaning, cooking for your family, being a wifey… Hard to do both and not seem insane or ridiculous.

DODAI: Of the Target Women eps that you have done — yogurt, brides, pasta commercials, cleaning supplies, etc - do you have a favorite? (I know it's like asking your fave color in a beautiful rainbow, but just curious!)

SARAH HASKINS: Hrrrm. I have a soft spot for birth control (the piece) (and the idea, sure, why not?) and cleaning products. Cleaning products was just so fun to shoot and be goofy in.

DODAI: God, those needy, needy mops.

SARAH HASKINS: They just hunger for some company.

DODAI: Is there a topic you'd love to do but can't because it's maybe vulgar or, I don't know, sexual? I am not coming on to you.

SARAH HASKINS: Ha! We're pretty free- most of the time we can't do pieces because we just don't have media to play and make it interesting. I'd say one of the things I find hilarious and awful is when dudes have decorated condoms. Seriously?

DODAI: Ew.

SARAH HASKINS: So, that's probably too vulgar and would shock my Mom. And she'd write me a stern e-mail. Were you thinking of something?

DODAI: Nope! Just wondering.

SARAH HASKINS: Now I'm going to think of vulgar ideas. Not as many douche commercials these days.

DODAI: What were you like as a kid, did you sit in front of the TV critiquing commercials then?

SARAH HASKINS: I wasn't allowed to watch much TV when I was little. It's definitely something I did with my friends in high school and college. Not as like, a structured activity, but I think we all make fun of commercials. And I have funny friends.

DODAI: How and when did you decide to make comedy a career?

SARAH HASKINS: My freshman year in college. I started doing improv and I just loved it. I probably never grew out of playing make believe, or wishing a door to a magical universe would open and transport me in. Besides books, improv was the closest thing to an adventure. And then I saw a Second City show that winter break and that sealed the deal. I am a nerd.

DODAI: Nerds are cool!

SARAH HASKINS: Woo! (drinks whiskey)

DODAI: What about high school? What were you like back then? Any mean girls??

SARAH HASKINS: I was fairly serious - not that I didn't have a sense of humor, I just took the world seriously. I wasn't super popular, but my classmates liked and respected me. I did student government, sports, plays. Our school was very small - most of the mean girl shit went down in middle school and I don't think anyone escapes from that unscathed.

DODAI: But you said you liked to read, which is cool, and an escape — what are some of your fave books or authors?

SARAH HASKINS: Good question! Favorite books: Wild Swans by Jung Chang. All the King's Men, Middlemarch, For Kings and Planets, Ender's Game, Angle of Repose. I love Joan Didion, especially her essay "Goodbye to All That." Now I am worried I am going to forget something and then I'll feel guilty like the Book Gods are watching over me.

DODAI: Oh no, well, you can always amend the list!

SARAH HASKINS: Phew. I hate being smote. Smited?

DODAI: Smoteth?

SARAH HASKINS: Yes. Smoteth.

DODAI: Do you ever get recognized, and what do people say to you, if so?

SARAH HASKINS: My favorite exchange was this - Drunk Guy With Glitter In Beard At Bar: You make internet videos. That are funny. Way to go. Then I got a thumbs up.

DODAI: Charming!

SARAH HASKINS: I liked him.

DODAI: What do you think you would be doing if there were no internet? (Scary thought, I know.)

SARAH HASKINS: Well, Current is technically a TV station....so I guess I'd be writing for the show and grousing about how to get people to watch it. Or maybe I'd still be acting. Or being a pioneer. Or running for vice president. Whatevs. I meant acting...ON THE STAGE. TROD THE BOARDS! HARK!

DODAI: Yes! Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I were a cro-mag or something, and I usually feel like it would be the same thing: telling stories around the campfire.

SARAH HASKINS: Did you ever wonder when you were younger about what people did when they got up at dawn and went to bed at sunset? Yes — It was stories.

DODAI: Yeah, the immortal human narrative. Where is Joe Campbell when you need him?

SARAH HASKINS: Bathroom. That dude.

DODAI: UGH.

SARAH HASKINS: Put the milk down, Campbell.

DODAI: Hey, so if you could live in another era, when would it be? Would you be a saucy Victorian governess? Prohibition floozy?

SARAH HASKINS: I like the saucy governess - but of course we all want to live in the exciting fictionalized version of that era, when Young Master rips off our bodice on the boat to Shanghai but then you have true love....and not being thrown overboard for having unchristian thoughts and deeds. You?

DODAI: I'm all for some kind of rococo France Dangerous Liaisons jam, with heaving cleavage and 3 lovers and small dogs and cake.

SARAH HASKINS: Ha! Great. Giant wigs, lice underneath and a predilection for foreign ambassadors.

DODAI: But a life lived with poetry! Champagne! Beheadings!

SARAH HASKINS: Cake! I would write "lol" to your answer but I feel weird and fifteen when I do that.

DODAI: Haha. I hear ya. Do you have any comedy heroes/heroines?

SARAH HASKINS: Yes... I mean, Tina Fey. Can you get more awesome? No. And Amy Poehler. And, generally, I've always been pretty inspired by the ladies and gents I've worked with in the Chicago comedy scene. I totally ripped off Carol Burnett's portrayal of Ms. Hannigan in Annie when I was in eighth grade.

DODAI: OMG I loved Annie. When she sang "Easy Street"? That was pretty great.

SARAH HASKINS: It's great! I was Ms. Hannigan in the play and had so much fun. Also, my little sister and I used to sing "Easy Street" when we had the hiccups because it made us laugh.

DODAI: So what TV shows do you like? And if you had to pick a reality show to be on, which one would it be?

SARAH HASKINS: TV shows: 30 Rock, Battlestar Galactica, Gossip Girl (I am ashamed, but it's so great), Colbert, Daily Show. My roommate and I are completely obsessed with Mad Men. Completely. If I HAD to be on a reality show, Amazing Race. I am good with maps.

DODAI: Amazing Race would be fun. Are you pro Blair/Chuck on Gossip Girl?

SARAH HASKINS: Yes. I haven't seen last night's episode yet, but I love how evil Chuck Bass is.

DODAI: He's fantastic. I am not ashamed that I read 8 of the books. But I used to work at a teen mag, that is my excuse.

SARAH HASKINS: No excuse needed. The New Yorker writer loved the books. High brow alert!

DODAI: Totes. So is there any person whose job you'd love to have, even for just one day?

SARAH HASKINS: Do I get to have the qualifications to do it? Like, I don't want to say "astronaut" and then have this be a trick where I die in space.

DODAI: You will not die! You will totally be awesome at it, for one day.

SARAH HASKINS: Oooh! So hard.

DODAI: Well, would it be easier if you could pick three?

SARAH HASKINS: Mebbe. Something way outside of my comfort zone for one day - mathematician, President of France or fighter pilot. Being a well-respected novelist would be cool. Ann Curry has a cool job. Those Today show people go everywhere!

DODAI: True, true! Travel is good. My last question is really just what is next for you? What do you see yourself getting into in, say, the next 3 years?

SARAH HASKINS: First — thanks. This is fun. I'll see where all this takes me. I want to keep doing comedy, and writing - so, I find my anxiety is lessened when I keep my focus on the projects in front of me... Also, hard drugs.

DODAI: Definitely, that was the kind of question it's easy for me to ask you but I would NEVER answer, who knows what tomorrow brings? Forget about the next three years. Drugs, on the other hand… But thank you SO MUCH.

SARAH HASKINS: Thank you - I feel like interviews are so rude because I just blather on, but I appreciate it and I think Jezebel is the bees knees. So, thanks.

infoMania is new every Thursday night at 10pm
infoMania [Current TV]

Earlier: Sarah Haskins Takes On The Disney Princesses
Sarah Haskins: Fiber Is Secret Code For Making You Poop
Sarah Haskins: Cleaning Is Not A Substitute For Sex
Sarah Haskins Wishes You Happy Period Control
Sarah Haskins Is A Sucker For RomComs
Sarah Haskins On Sarah Palin: Proud Americans Need Token Hillary Estrogen Replacement
Sarah Haskins Has A Problem With Marketing Family Meals To Moms
Brides, Botox & Yogurt: Sarah Haskins Targets Those Who Target Women

1.) If you have period sex, and then the guy cums in you, how long should you wait to put a tampon in? This is something that never even occurred to me until two months ago when the situation presented itself for the first time. Ejaculate is really thick, and i know when I wipe it off me with paper towels, it just kinda smears around. If paper towels don't really absorb it, how can compacted cotton? And then what happens if you can't get all of the semen out of you, but you put a tampon in, and it doesn't get absorbed? Does it just hang around inside you, stinking up the joint? There were a lot of questions in this one question, I know.

2.) What should you do when you realize you have to poop immediately after you put in a new tampon? I've been mulling over this one for years. Luckily (or, actually, unluckily) for me, my poop opportunities are few and far between, and usually, I empty out right at the beginning of my period. But there are those rare instances when I do get caught with a tampon in and then get the urge to purge my bowels. It's so confusing because I don't know whether to pull out the new tampon, and risk getting all scratched up, or keep it in and risk "delivering" it in the toilet. I usually just spazz out, grimace and remove the scratchy tampon.

3.) Exactly how long do you have to leave a tampon in to get Toxic Shock Syndrome? One of my friends left her tampon in for 10 friggin' days, and even had sex with it up there, and she's just fine. Do women even get TSS from tampons anymore?

Earlier: Ten Days In The Life Of A Tampon
Jezebel Crashes The Tyra Show's Vaginas Episode

• MTV promotes "green" campaigns like Switch, but when it comes to the actual production of their shows, the network is very unfriendly towards the environment. • Researchers have found that 90 minutes sitting on a heated car seat can lead to an increased scrotal temperature in men, which may hurt a man's sperm quality. • A Kentucky Court of Appeals has ruled against lesbian couples adopting children as though they are stepparents. • A new website that provides syphilis information to gay men — as well as a referral letter for syphilis testing and a 1-week wait for the tested men to retrieve their results online — shows promise in promoting testing among gay men. • Rachel Bird and Gideon Codding of California refused to complete marriage forms in their state because they wanted to be referred to as "bride" and "groom" on the forms and not by the new gender-neutral terms. • A new study claims that only 3% of Australians have cheated on their loved ones last year, but researchers claim the results would be "radically different" if they measured cheating over a longer time period. • Betty Constable, Princeton's first women's squash coach and a squash pioneer in the United States, died on September 9 at the age of 83. • A British woman has sworn off having children after she recently gave birth to a baby weighing 13 pounds, 4 ounces (the weight of a 6 month old) and had given birth to three previous children who weighed more than 10 pounds at birth. • A new study has found that estrogen creams do not help reduce wrinkles on areas of skin that experience sun exposure (i.e., the face, hands, and neck). • The federal government is considering making Gardasil vaccination mandatory for female immigrants who are seeking U.S. citizenship. • Meanwhile, the FDA has updated the label for Gardasil, saying the vaccine protects against cancers of the vagina and vulva. • Margaret Hoelzer, a U.S. swimmer who won 3 medals at the Beijing Olympics, opens up about being sexually abused by a friend's father when she was 5 years old. •

[Image via JSoul.]

OK, so my main concern is constipation, but my #2 (heh) concern is what will happen when I finally do "release." I'm expecting my period to come smack dab in the middle of this trip, so I know that will hollow out my bowels. And those period craps — while totally a welcome relief from my regular irregularity when I'm sitting alone in my apartment — are going to be a problem. Because they're always loud. And smelly. And messy. And time-consuming. And after being backed up for a few days, it's gonna be even worse. I'm not really sure how I'm going to handle it.

My relationship with this guy is so new that we haven't really crossed that bridge of pooping around one another yet. He's one of those guys that's gonna need some breaking-in as far as getting used to my incessant farting. (It's been killing me, holding them in!) But I guess if we're gonna make this relationship work, I'm gonna have to get over my poop fears. Once I get my period shit (hopefully around Sunday), this guy is gonna receive a baptism by fire.

Earlier: I Went For A Colonic And All I Got Was A Load Of Crap

• Hey, remember how we were going to, like, tax oil companies more and stuff? Yeah, not gonna happen anytime soon. [Washington Post]
• But, hey, monkeys can fish! So, as long as we don't eat all the fish or kill all the monkeys before we drive ourselves into extinction, they can totes rule the world later. [AP]
• Yes, that was a cheap distraction before I told you that we're totally fucked in Afghanistan and no one has any idea what to do about it. [Washington Independent]
• But that's ok, because Obama might pick Ret. Gen. James Jones, the former NATO Supreme Allied Commander, as VP, because now the Democratic party is all about getting the military dudes on the take so they can look "strong" and shit. Only, the story is actually complete bullshit because he's already a McCain adviser and someone is laughing at MSNBC besides me. [MSNBC, Politico]

• In other news of the stupid, Republican Senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma has crowned himself the new Miss South Carolina by releasing a commercial trumpeting his foreign policy credential: "Ethiopia. Zambia. Iraq. Twenty-nine intense trips in 12 years to the front — to the saddest parts of Africa." Oh, wait, where's Iraq again? [Washington Independent]
• And, apparently we're going to try to make all the lefty protesters crap their pants at once at the conventions this summer. Oh, that's a brilliant idea. Better shitting than shouting? [Fox News]
• But in good news, Republicans in the Senate have now defined electoral success in November as only losing eight seats to the Democrats. If they lose 9, they can't even filibuster, which is the only thing they give a shit about doing anyway. [HuffPo]
• And, just to mess with you, McCain said today, "I will veto every single beer." Damn that man, even if he is willing to call his home turf a swing state. [CNN, Washington Independent]