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Gotta Go, Gotta Go
Pooping: The New Hot Shit

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happysquid
10/31/08

In reply to Gotta Go, Gotta Go
If I was president, one of my first acts in Office would be the American Public Toilet Freedom Act, placing a pay-per-use toilet facility in appropriately determined areas for the good citizens of our nation. Like, say, every 5 miles or 2.5 miles or something..
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tscheese
10/31/08

In reply to Gotta Go, Gotta Go
I can't even drink coffee when I wake up in the mornings because of my fucknuts annoying commute. It's usually an hour on the bus, but when there are cataclysmic accidents on the Garden State Parkway or the NJ Turnpike, that hour can become four hours. And there is nowhere to shit. The worst morning I had was two years ago wherein I had to clench my asshole for a solid three hours before I could finally fucking lunge for some filthy toilet in the Port Authority and unclench said solids.

Christ on a cracker. Why is poop so hilarious?
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FourInchHeels
10/31/08

@tscheese: I hate to be the naysayer .. but it sounds like it wasn't solids you were trying to unclench.
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Claire Buoyant
10/31/08

@tscheese: Why is poop so hilarious?

It's funny when misfortune falls upon others. Call it shat-enfreude, if you will.
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tscheese
10/31/08

@FourInchHeels: Awww, don't critique my evacuation freestyles!
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tscheese
10/31/08

@Claire Buoyant: Oh crap! Well played!
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happysquid
10/31/08

@tscheese: you are making me lol at work...i take public transportation to work now BUT I have been there myself...
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NowhereGirl
10/31/08

In reply to Gotta Go, Gotta Go
Was anyone else reminded of the CrankYankers episode with Wanda Sykes where she calls the impound lot and complains that she picked up her car and there's a giant turd in her back seat? I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but I think it's hilarious, and I want to share!

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squirrelcop
10/31/08

@NowhereGirl: Yes!

"That's your turd!!"
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ImperfectLit.Woman
10/31/08

@squirrelcop: That's hilarious.
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cocobanal
10/31/08

In reply to Gotta Go, Gotta Go
But . . . it IS an emergency! I have been in that situation, where I've had to go so bad and had to talk my bowels through the ride home. Once I pulled into the driveway, got out of the car, walked up to my door and . . . well, at least I made it home.
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tscheese
10/31/08

@cocobanal: Oh my gawd, isn't it the worst when your sphincters know that they're on the home stretch (hee) and they start to unwind as you approach safety? Like they're anticipating that sweet, sweet release and they're like "welp, we're almost to the bathroom! quittin' time!" and you're like "YOU BASTARDS, I WAS COUNTING ON YOU"?

Am I thinking about this way too hard?
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mbot says Spock yeah!
10/31/08

In reply to Gotta Go, Gotta Go
Oh heavens, can you imagine the discomfort of having to pull over and wait for the cops to finish their spiel under those circumstances? I would cry.
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million.dollar.mouth.
10/31/08

In reply to Gotta Go, Gotta Go
I guess I am a bit old-time when it comes to getting out of a speeding ticket. I still cry and unbutton my shirt bit.
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Meg
10/31/08

In reply to Gotta Go, Gotta Go
Uh...I believe showering my upholstery with E.coli is an emergency. There is no OxiClean product that will take care of that, no matter what Billy Mays shouts at you.
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pandorasmittens
10/31/08

@Meg: ShamWow that with Orange Glo!
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LaFemme
10/31/08

In reply to Gotta Go, Gotta Go
What is wrong with 53 in a 43 mph zone (Though 43 sounds like an odd number to set a speed limit....)? 10 mph over the speed limit is what you are supposed to do, right? Otherwise people freak out behind you for going so slow and lean on their horns.

And yeah, I don't know what I would do in her situation. Pull over maybe?
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MegSpencer
10/31/08

@LaFemme: I was confused at the limit also, then I remembered that they don't use miles in Sweden, they use kilometers. Someone who has drunk coffee can no doubt translate.
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tscheese
10/31/08

@LaFemme: But it's Sweden! They're a bunch of pinko commie hippies with, like, long life expectancies and great quality of life and excellent health care! They must be funding all that great stuff with traffic tickets.
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Claire Buoyant
10/31/08

@LaFemme: Think metric. 43 mph = 70 km/h, and 53 mph = 85 km/h.
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LaFemme
10/31/08

@Claire Buoyant: aaah aha. ok got it. That makes sense.
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MegSpencer
10/31/08

@LaFemme: I think it would be a 70kmph zone and she was doing 85kmph.
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sarah.of.a.lesser.god (aka Mrs. BrutallyHonestHobbit)
10/31/08

In reply to Gotta Go, Gotta Go
Hey, it's a valid argument. Doesn't anyone remember how Abe Simpson damaged his kidney when Homer wouldn't pull over to let him pee?
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sequined
10/31/08

@sarah.not.palin.will.vote.for.obama.on.tuesday: I do remember that, and I can relate to poor Abe because I have peed in my car before. Terrible traffic and a tiny bladder combined to make holding it impossible after a certain point. Very embarrassing. I told people I spilled Sprite in my lap.
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Maritsa
10/31/08

This is a serious problem that has been thankfully been recognized by the brilliant minds of the bumper-sticker industry. I saw one last month that said "I'm only speeding because I really have to poop."
@sarah.not.palin.will.vote.for.obama.on.tuesday: Kidney explosions are tragic, especially when your son wimps out on donating one of his kidneys to you. But then he can get one from his son...it's the ciiiiiircle of liiiife....
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little stripes
10/31/08

@sequined: I am always afraid that will happen to me. :( I make sure to ALWAYS use the restroom before I leave anywhere. When I used to take public transportation daily, this was actually a big problem, especially when I got a new job and it took me 45+ minutes on one bus -- having to pee while stuck on a bus is NOT FUN!
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Scoithniamh
10/31/08

@sequined: Ahem. Happened to me once too. MORTIFIED.
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R_Claw
10/31/08

In reply to Gotta Go, Gotta Go
Pooping in your car should be a crime, ewwww!
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morninggloria
10/31/08

In reply to Gotta Go, Gotta Go
I have lied to police officers and told them that I have my period and don't have a tampon in and need to get to a bathroom immediately so that I don't bleed all over the front seat of my car.
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Schm
10/31/08

@morninggloria: i have thought about using that tactic for the longest time... how did it work out?
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morninggloria
10/31/08

@AliyaRoger: Exactly as expected, both times. Success!
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Schm
10/31/08

@morninggloria: oh, this is so awesome to finally talk to someone who's tried this! so i take it both officers were male? and did you have to lay on the desperate acting, or did they just back off the second you mentioned it. sorry, i have been wondering about this strategy for the longest time, in my awful mind constantly contemplating how to weasel out of situations.
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Kivrin
10/31/08

@morninggloria: You are my new hero(ine).
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morninggloria
10/31/08

@AliyaRoger: You have to really throw yourself into the acting. Get really distressed, cry a little, get embarrassed. If you have skin that blushes easily, practice blushing on command. Go even further and ask if you could possibly put your hazards on and drive the rest of the way before it's too late.
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devilchyld22
10/31/08

In reply to Gotta Go, Gotta Go
gaa-rosssss
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tscheese
10/31/08

In reply to Gotta Go, Gotta Go
I dunno about you, but, um, I think my fellow drivers are a lot safer if I'm not, um, pooping. While I'm driving.

I am a much safer driver at the speed 53 MPH than I am at the speed "sitting in a widening pool of my own waste in the drivers seat" MPH.
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A Small Turnip
10/31/08

@tscheese: Unstoppable gurgling laughter here.

Are you an incontinent driver? Are you under threat of prosecution? Call 1-800-SHIT-FREE now.
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tscheese
10/31/08

@ASmallTurnip: Hahaha, you said "unstoppable gurgling." Hee. HEE!
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Kivrin
10/31/08

@tscheese: "Gurgle" is such a great onomatopoeic word, isn't it? I'm also a fan of "chortle," which is, incidentally, what I'm doing right now, thanks to this story.
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