This shouldn't be difficult for Australians, according to White Ribbon Chairman Andrew O'Keefe: "Today we are challenging all men to swear, and let's face it swearing comes naturally to most Aussie men." •  According to police, Kevin M. Derks, 53, turned his Wisconsin home into a shrine to child porn. He covered "every flat surface" with pictures of young celebrities and computer printouts of young girls in various states of undress or being otherwise molested. He claims he turned to children after realizing that the world has gotten "worse and worse." •  The Federal government has issued a recall for more than 2 million cribs, following reports that four babies had suffocated in them. They say the crib has a detachable side which can break, and allow the child to become trapped in a space between the crib and the mattress. • An Alabama district attorney says he is considering charging a 14-year-old girl for arranging the rape of her classmate. The girl told reporters that she and her classmate had planned on having sex with three older teens, but the victim said no when the other boys joined in. • Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio recently forced a pregnant woman to give birth while cuffed at the wrists and ankles. The woman was transported to a medical center, where she gave birth in "forensic restraint." She was also not allowed to hold her child, or see her for 72 days. Arpaio claimed he "had no choice." • According to plastic surgeons, Venezuelans are so dedicated to looking good that many people are dipping into their savings or taking on debt to pay for the costly procedures. "The financial crisis has spurred people to spend more on themselves ... to console themselves in this crisis. I have not seen demand diminishing," said one doctor. • In efforts to combat reports of anti-choice centers manipulating pregnant woman, the Baltimore City Council is considering legislation that will require pregnancy centers to post signs if they do not offer abortions or birth control referrals. • 

OK!
"Yes! We're In Love"
Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift are so on! Swift is hosting SNL November 7, and Lautner may appear! And Lautner may take Swift as his date to the New Moon premiere! Also: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart had a "couple's self-therapy session" when they met up at his hotel in Beverly Hills and talked through their problems. Moving on: Kate Hudson and A-Rod may get hitched. A Source says: "He wants to think of a creative and cute way to pop the question." Kate loves to joke, "I don't look like a Rodriguez, so you'll have to take my name." Khloe Kardashian says: "We definitely want a big family. Lamar keeps asking me when I want to start!" Margaret says: You've only known each other for two months, so you have time. Lastly: The kids from Glee get the tabloid treatment when the mag asks, "More than just friends?" When you read the article, you find the answer: No.
Grade: F (fetid quagmire)

Life & Style
"I Love Being Pregnant"
Where are the covers which read "I Hate Being Pregnant!" or "I Feel Fat & Gross"?? Anyway: Kourtney Kardashian is "excited to be a mom" but also "nervous." YAWN. Moving on: Britney Spears wants to marry Jason Trawick! She says the sex is great! But an insider says: "Jason truly cares about Britney. Nobody doubts that. But in terms of real chemistry, it's not really there. It's more like they're best friends with benefits." Next: We don't even know what to say about "Taylor's Last Shirtless Photo Shoot," (see image 7) and we might go to jail for looking at it, so let's move on. The story titled "Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson: Love At 30,000 Feet" is, unfortunately, not about joining the mile high club. Instead we learn that the two secured the entire first class section of an Alaska Airlines flight for themselves — and sat next to each other. Brad and Angie found time for a "date night." The caption on a picture of them in a car reads: "The Look Of Love: As Brad drove his new Camaro, 'Angelina looked at him with an expression of admiration,' says a witness." Lastly: Fergie and Josh Duhamel are having a marriage crisis. A friend says he's gotten into trouble with Fergie over his flirting before — and usually he "crawls back to her and begs for forgiveness." Now the allegations are that he hooked up with a stripper and a source says: "Fergie's in denial. She's going on like it's business as usual."
Grade: D- (murky bog)

Us
"Fergie Betrayed"
Don't you just love how the cover shows Ferg looking innocent and her man with a wandering eye? Stripper Nicole Forrester was allegedly offered $20,000 for her story about having sex with Josh Duhamel — but has yet to collect. She did pass a lie detector test and is in "possession of racy texts." She says a seemingly inebriated Josh "wanted to party" so they watched porn, then hooked up. They fell asleep together and he kept waking her up to have more sex. Josh's rep denies everything. Next: Rihanna says, "I am stronger, wiser and more aware" now. And: "You don't realize how much your decisions affect people you don't even know — like fans." Jennifer Aniston had a tipsy night out at some wedding — she was "the life and soul" of the party and danced to "Paparazzi." Jude Law and Sienna Miller are hooking up — a source says "They're fooling around again, but I'm not sure if they're dating." Kate Hudson and A-Rod "love having sex." People will call her and she'll say "we're having nap time," which is what they call their sex time. Brad and Angie attended a party thrown by Times columnist Nicholas Kristof. He says: "I emailed Angie last minute — and they came." No limos for these kids — Brad drove himself and Angie there in a Chevy Camaro. Lastly: The Lindsay Lohan spread called "What's Wrong With Her Face" just made us sad (see image 8).
Grade: D (mucky swamp)

In Touch
"The Fight For Suri"
Tom wants Suri to be homeschooled, as is common in Scientology, and Katie wants her to go to Catholic school when she turns 5. Kate has become disenchanted with Scientology, and she doesn't like that Tom's other kids, Connor and Isabella — who were homeschooled — have very few friends, and the friends they do have are Scientologists. Katie is also freaked out by Scientology's reluctance to give kids medicine and assigning kids chores at a young age. Plus, she doesn't like that Suri's Scientology nanny has been giving Suri a drink called Calmag, which is made with calcium, magnesium, vinegar and hot water, and "relaxes children." The mag calls Suri "an adult at age 3" because she uses the dictionary — her nanny encourages her to look up words she doesn't know when reading; she doesn't play with kids and has no friends her own age. Moving on: "No Longer Embarrassed By Their Boobs" is four pages about women who have changed their breasts: Megan Fox got implants; Queen Latifah got a reduction; Drew Barrymore got a reduction and Christina Aguilera got implants because she was insecure. Next: Angelina found out that Brad's been texting Jen by going through his cell phone while he was asleep. He didn't deny it and admitted to Angie that he misses his ex-wife; Angie spent the rest of the day in tears. But! "That night, she made a point of appearing with Brad in public." And! Brad doesn't care how upset Angelina is — he's going to continue texting his ex-wife. In Fergie/Josh news, one source says Josh is so in love with Fergie and none of the cheating rumors are true. Fergie is apparently "sobbing" behind the scenes. Michael Lohan is now bad-mouthing Jon Gosselin, saying: "Jon has become secretive and distant. He has become a different person than I thought he was." By which you mean he wants nothing to do with you?!?! Janet Jackson has reunited with Jermaine Dupri and is planning to marry him. Janet is planning to eventually raise Michael Jackson's kids and thinks it would be good for them to have a father figure. She'd like to get married early next year — "the family needs something to smile about," a source says. Tony Romo is dating Candace Crawford — Chase's sister — and Jessica Simpson is "heartbroken" because Tony has invited Candace to live with him. Jess totally wanted to live with Tony when they were together, but he said No. Lastly, "Who Wore It Better" pits celebrity children against each other, regardless of age: That's why Lourdes has to battle Suri. (See image 9)
Grade: D (gassy marsh)

Star
"Angie & Brad's Dark Secrets Exposed!"
Ian Halperin, who's done unauthorized books on Kurt Cobain and Michael Jackson, is writing a new salacious tell-all, called Brangelina Exposed. He claims that Angelina throws things at Brad. She makes comments about Jennifer Aniston all the time, like, "You'd be just as miserable with Jen" — and Brad shoots back, "Jen would never act like you." Brad is depressed and deals with by smoking pot and drinking almost every night. Brad is also "slipping in and out of his home" through neighbor's yards to meet "a waiting Town Car that spirits him away from his family drama." Oh, and Brad is "drinking away his looks." (See image 10.) Meanwhile, Angie is in an ongoing lesbian relationship with Jenny Shimuzu. Jenny started calling after Angie's mom died and "there's always bee an animal attraction between them." Angelina has another lady on the side near their chateau in France; she's an artist around Angie's age and they see each other whenever Angie is in town. Finally, they have a "whole crate" of intimate pictures and video that Brad took during the early days of their relationship. Scandalous! Moving on: Jessica Szohr brought her boyfriend Ed Westwick to a friend's wedding in Milwaukee and after a couple of drinks, she made Ed do a special dance for the bride. It involved Ed shirtless. (See image 11.) If you want a Lady Gaga My Little Pony, it'll cost you $589 and up! (See image 12.) Blind item! "Which hunky actor is a real stinker? His girlfriend has refused his kisses because of his seriously bad breath. Maybe that's the reason they're constantly on and off." (How about: All of them.) Chris Martin was seen making out with Kate Bosworth in the VIP section of U2's Las Vegas show. Other stars in the VIP section at the time include Bill Clinton, Jessica Alba and Sean Penn. Later Bosworth was telling people about being good friends with Gwyneth, maybe to justify her actions? Supposedly Chris has had a crush on her since he saw Blue Crush. Levi Johnston is going to sue Sarah Palin because she's preventing him from seeing his son. Next: Is Nicole Richie wearing a wedding band? Did Adam Lambert dump his boyfriend for another guy? Also inside: Britney Spears is planning a spring wedding to Jason Trawick. Their relationship is the result of a devious plan by Brit's parents, Jamie and Lynn: They stared trying to hook Britney and Jason up in 2007 — but Jason was fat then, and didn't have the dangerous side that Britney likes. The parents decided that Jason needed to get hotter — and fast! They were so crafty that Britney believed the makeover was her idea: She had her hairstylist dye his hair and give him a better goatee; and they've been working out together everyday. Peep Jason's new look — and his old look, which is K-Fed-esque (See image 13). Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are falling apart. They were arguing in the car before a GQ event; Demi was upset that Ashton was pounding beer. She said it was immature to drink so much before the party. Plus, she's "always uncomfortable" when he's around pretty young women, and she doesn't want him going out without her — for fears that some young starlet will snap him up. Do you get it yet? SHE IS OLD. Lastly: Michael Bublé's ex is warning his current girlfriend that he's "a cheater and a rat." The ex says that he was sleeping with her during his 3-year relationship with Emily Blunt.
Grade: D+ (dense wetland)

(click "full size" to enlarge)

(click "full size" to enlarge)

(click "full size" to enlarge)

There's a piece in the New York Times all about the un-glam world of surgery redux. It's not pretty, kids. From said piece we culled the following:

-Disregard everything you've seen on "Dr. 90210, Nip/Tuck and the flashy cosmetic surgeons of Extreme Makeover." (That's from Amazon's description of The Facelift Letdown.) Apparently it's a lot more painful and there's less sex. Think TLC, not FX.

-If you get cheap plastic surgery, it looks crap. '"I'm seeing more people who have gone to clinics where price is a major concern for them going there, and often they are dissatisfied with the result," said Dr. Stuzin, a past president of the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery. "Instead of muscle work, they are oversuctioning the neck, so the neck looks skeletal."'

-A lot of the time, people get their surgery "corrected," either because it doesn't look good or there's some kind of "complication," ie you can't breathe. "But some surgeons think impaired breathing is an acceptable trade-off for aesthetic improvement."

-Even if you're happy with it, you're gonna need periodic touch-ups.

-Oh yeah: if you don't get any in the first place, you can avoid all of the above.

The book doesn't have any comments on Amazon yet, but we imagine what business it does will be over the internet. After all, carrying this to the register of a Barnes & Noble would rank somewhere on the buying-trauma scale between Depends and Catholicism for Dummies.
When Plastic Surgery Calls for A Do-Over [NY Times]

Says the New York Post</em, "These days, cheek and chin implants are blatant, and who wants a natural-looking boob job anymore? Hoist 'em high, sisters." There's no challenge for those of us (?) who apparently make sport of guessing who's had work done and accusing them of it like those undermining friends in the Glade commercials!

But we have a new weapon in our arsenal: bunny lines, "the crinkly wrinkles on both sides of the nose that often appear as a direct result and telltale sign of Botox-related paralysis" and which battle scars are apparently borne by Nicole Kidman, Mickey Rourke and Sly Stallone. Which is good, because otherwise there's no way we'd guess that any of those people had had work done! Apparently the furrows arise because your few non-paralyzed muscles go into overdrive, thus wrinkling where nature never intended. So what's the cure? Well, says one plastic surgeon, "When people find these lines objectionable, Botox is the best way to eradicate them."

Bunny Lines [NY Post]

• Australian researcher Maggie Hamilton interviewed thousands of parents and kids for her book What's Happening To Our Girls?. She found that the hypersexualization of kids has lead many youngsters to feel like they have to be, well, hypersexual. • But there is some good news out of Australia today: Australians are pretty pro-choice, says a new study. Only 4% of Australians oppose abortion outright, and 57% think abortions should be readily available for those who want them. •  According to a recent paper, cosmetic eyelid surgery actually improves quality of life. They asked patients who had undergone the procedure to fill out a retrospective questionnaire, the results of which indicated that cosmetic surgery may in fact improve the lives of those unhappy with their looks. •  A Canadian dominatrix and two other sex workers have asked Ontario's Superior Court of Justice to change Canada's prostitution laws, on the grounds that they are unconstitutional. Terri-Jean Bedford, 49, told the Toronto Star that she plans to bring her riding crop to court. "You never know when you might run across a naughty boy, or a naughty judge," she said. •  A study from the University of Copenhagen found that women who join a soccer league are more likely to stick to their workouts than those who run. The soccer plays also reaped more health benefits from their exercise, and tended to enjoy working out more. •  Sitting up straight may actually help improve your self esteem. Researchers found that people who are told to sit up at their desks are more likely to believe positive things about themselves than those who slump over. •  A pregnant aerobics instructor who was wounded when George Sodini fired at least 52 shots into her fitness club has sued the estate of the gunman, saying that the injuries she received that day put her in danger of having a miscarriage. •  Egyptian lawmakers have called for a ban on the Artificial Virginity Hymen Kit. The kit is manufactured in China, but they advertise that it ships to all countries in the Middle East. Conservative Egyptians fear that women will begin using them to trick their new husbands, and that it may make it easier for women to "give in to temptation." Some have even called for the exile of any woman caught ordering the kit. •  Burmese pro-democracy leader Suu Kyi was escorted into "surprise talks" with a junta leader on Saturday. Optimists think this may be the start of a new era of cooperation between Suu Kyi and the current government. • A woman from Florida was the victim of a raccoon "gang attack" at her Lakeland house. A group of five raccoons pounced on the woman after she tried to shoo them away. Fortunately, she is in recovery and will be fine. •  The Supreme Court has decided to refuse the request of the Connecticut Diocese and keep court documents on the sexual abuse committed by clergy members unsealed. • South Africa's African National Congress says that since Caster Semenya was raised as a girl, she should "continue to run as a woman." • Harriet the Spy will become a live-action TV movie on the Disney Channel. • Return to the Hundred Acre Wood, an authorized sequel to A.A. Milne's Winnie the Pooh books, came out today. The book features a new character, a pearl-wearing otter, and the author says, "I made Eeyore a little more proactive so he wasn't always the victim." • Scientists have discovered a damaged gene that is linked to half of all breast cancers. Damaged NRG1s have been found in 50% of all breast cancer patients, and it has also been linked to ovarian and bladder cancers. Although everyone is born with an intact NRG1, many cancer patients have faulty NRG1s, which were damaged at some point during their lives, but doctors have yet to pinpoint how. • 

Image via Yahoo TV

OK, so in the first scene, Audrina, Lo and Stephanie are talking about how they're going to go to Heidi and Spencer's "welcome back" party. Steph obviously has her new nose here.


See?


However, at the party, she has her old nose.


In her next scene, she's talking to Audrina about the events of the party, and she has her new nose again.


But then at Frankie's birthday party, her old nose returns.


BTW, how old was Frankie turning? 48?


After Frankie's party, Stephanie's new nose again, on the scene.


But only time will tell if it will stay.

We hack the pages of In Touch, Star, Ok!, Us and Life& Style, in the gallery below.

Ok!
"Engaged!"
This story is ridiculous, because the "proposal" being referred to "on set" is the one happening as part of the plot of Eclipse when Edward asks Bella to marry him. But! The magazine prints the sentence: "Life might just imitate art." Kristen Stewart apparently jokes around with Robert Pattinson on set, saying things like, "Has anyone seen my husband?" Next: Halle Berry is obviously pregnant because she went to Nobu with boyfriend Gabriel Aubry, held her bag in front of her stomach, wouldn't eat any raw fish and refused to drink the complimentary wine sent to the table. Lastly: Rihanna still has feelings for Chris Brown, according to a friend. "She gets missing Chris and the shit starts all over. A kiss and a slap, a kiss and a slap. Right now she's feeling strong, but she's switched gears in the past and taken him back."
Grade: F (hard drive corrupted)

Life & Style
"Inside Shiloh's World"
Angelina Jolie took Shiloh to Corsica for the day and they split a panini. Shiloh's taste buds are becoming more sophisticated, blah blah blah. She told her parents, "I want to do what mommy and daddy do for a living," so expect her to be taking over Hollywood any day now. Moving along: The Spears family had a reunion when Britney flew her mom, sister and the baby to Miami to spend time with her, her dad and her kids. Michael Lohan says he now accepts Lindsay and Sam's relationship and apologizes for anything bad he might have said about Sam in the past. Next, a source says Michael Jackson told his doctors that he couldn't have children because he'd been kicked in the groin during his youth. Was it Joe? Lastly, Holly Madison says, "Plastic surgery changed my life." She had a nose job and breast implants and says surgery "made it easier to get things I wanted in my career. Without it I wouldn't be where I am today. Living with Hef brought down my self-esteem a lot. I was comparing myself to the other girls. Hef always said he didn't want me to get anything done." If you're interested in her old nose, you're in luck (Image 6).
Grade: D- (Gmail down)

Us
"Their Exes Speak Out"
Lots of pictures of LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian frolicking on the beach in Mexico together! The two went on a four-day trip to celebrate LeAnn's 27th birthday. Sources claim that Dean Sheremet and Brandi Glanville — the respective spouses — are becoming friends. Now, there's nothing in here about Dean being gay, but he "broke his silence" and talked to Us at an August 29th performance of Wicked on Broadway. Dean and LeAnn "talk every day" says a friend. "He's trying to date, but it's hard, because she's so controlling. She was like the man of the house." Moving on: Is Britney "smarter in glasses"? 83% say No (Image 7). Despite his ongoing flirtation with Jennifer Aniston, Gerard Butler is "pretty much dating every girl in New York City," says a source. Lastly: Us calls out Demi Moore for claiming never to have had plastic surgery. Maybe she doesn't consider Botox or facial fillers to be "surgery," but what about the implants (Image 8)?
Grade: D- (AIM worm)

Star
"Loveless Marriage"
Apparently when Tori and Dean first met, they were working on a TV movie together, and Dean thought Tori "looked like a horse" and joked that she'd need a paper bag over her head for him to kiss her. But he planned on making friends with her because she'd be a good contact. So the gist of this is that he only married her for money and fame and doesn't care about her. Yawn. Moving on: Stephanie Pratt's new lips "look natural" according to Dr. Paul Jarrod Frank, who does not treat her (Image 9). Britney Spears has been begging Jason Trawick to come back, texting and emailing constantly, and asking, "Don't you miss me?" Blind item! "Which hunky actor and his equally hot actress wife were recently seen snorting lines of cocaine at the Chateau Marmont? When spotted, they took the party back to their room." Renée Zellweger and Bradley Cooper are "playing house." They're both off promoting things now, but when she gets back to LA she's going to live with him at his place; he's set up a bathroom she can call her own! He may pop the question by the end of the year. Pregnant Nicole Richie "almost collapsed with grief" when she heard about DJ AM, says an insider. Now Joel Madden and her parents are worried because she's not really eating; a doctor has put her on bed rest. Lastly: A story claims that Ashlee Simpson "kicked Pete Wentz out" because she discovered evidence of him cheating on her, but never says what the evidence was, and also claims that she left the house in a fury and checked into a hotel. So how is that kicking him out? Oh, she did call him and say, "Don't bother coming home." Anyway, she is now on the Pete Diet; he gets her so upset, she can't eat.
Grade: D- (iPhone frozen)

In Touch
"Separated!"
A house divided! Angelina and Brad are "not only sleeping in separate beds, they are sleeping on opposite ends of the property." According to a "friend." Brad used to be "happy, gregarious and social," but Angelina "picks holes in his personality" and "belittles him on every subject possible from his parenting to his lack of knowledge about current affairs." An insider says Brad is really shy now and uses booze as a crutch to socialize now. He drinks to escape his inner turmoil! Plus, Brad purchased Chateau Miraval's winery, and the mag asks: "Is it really A good idea for Brad to buy a vineyard?" Because Brad and Angie feel "guilty" about their "crumbling relationship," they're spoiling the kids: They have theme days! Everyone dresses up as characters from movies or books, like James Bond or Harry Potter. "They had a Wizard Day, with magic potion punch to drink, and they had to solve clues to go to wizard college," spills a source. Next: Ever since Jason Trawick broke up with Britney Spears, her dad Jamie Spears has been trying to keep her busy so she doesn't go crazy again. Apparently Jason made Britney feel "beautiful and sane." Jermaine Dupri has been seen with other women since breaking up with Janet Jackson, and now her "baby dreams are shattered." A doctor had encouraged her to freeze her eggs, but this story doesn't say whether she did or not. But, the mag helpfully points out, "at least she has Michael's kids." A friend of Madonna's says she's casually dating Jesus but still considers Sean Penn her soul mate and it's "highly possible" that she and Sean will get back together now that he's getting divorced, even though Sean and Madonna got married TWENTY FIVE YEARS AGO. Lastly: "Was Lindsay Really Robbed?" Looking closely at the surveillance video images of the alleged burglar, it seems like maybe Lindsay Lohan robbed herself (Image 10). Was it so she wouldn't have to give the jewelry back? Was it so she could break her lease? Michael Lohan says it was an inside job and that the person "tried to make themselves look like Lindsay." But did Lindsay try to look like a burglar looking like Lindsay? Because that would be meta. Anyway: Lindsay has also maybe been cutting herself again (Image 11), which the mag calls a cry for help.
Grade: D (Facebook firewall)

Click "full size" to enlarge.

Click "full size" to enlarge.

Click "full size" to enlarge.

For the article, Allure interviewed MJ's own doctors and plastic surgeons, who say that the skin bleaching creams prescribed for his vitiligo weakened the skin and cartilage of his nose, which required corrective surgery on his — already altered — schnozz. Also, his lupus caused hair loss, which led to him getting his eyebrows and lash lines tattooed on.