Basically, Judd Gregg is an asshole. He took the job as Commerce Secretary not to serve the administration of Barack Obama (or the Americans who elected him), but to serve the Republican party and his own ego. So, after actively seeking the appointment and then deciding he couldn't possibly support the President's priorities, he's dropped his bid to be Obama's Commerce Secretary having discovered that Obama is a Democrat and that he wouldn't be allowed to politicize the Census Bureau to help the Republican party gerrymander in its favor and minimize minorities.

So, then let me take a moment and suggest to the Obama Administration — since its vetters obviously checked out mentally once they got done reading through Hillary Clinton's disclosures or something — that, instead of having Wanda Sykes be the entertainment at the White House Correspondent's Dinner, that they suck it up and do what they should've done when looking for a Treasury Secretary and make Wanda Commerce Secretary. She's African-American, she's a woman, she's a lesbian, she'd be a welcome relief from all the stuffed shirts in Washington and she's really unlikely to have taken campaign donations for government contracts. I mean, come on, it's not like they've got standards!

Standards are something Stewart Parnell, the president of Peanut Corporation of America, also lacks. He's the guy who was so worried about losing profits that he pushed through shipment after shipment of salmonella-contaminated peanut products without a second thought for anything other than his bottom line — like, say, cleaning his fucking equipment or hundreds of sick little kids. So, he was up testifying in Congress, which is to say pleading the 5th because he knows full well what he did was illegal, and he got totally served by Oregon Congressman Greg Walden. Walden offered Parnell a taste from a big jar of peanut butter Walden's staff had helpfully decorated with police tape, and Parnell declined. As my friend Greg said last night: Mr. Walden, you should've eaten the peanut butter while pleading the 5th. Pop some Cipro and stuff your face with the stuff, then hole up at the Four Seasons in Georgetown until your ass explodes. And thus concludes today's lesson in guerrilla government relations.

Anyway, now even though Leon Panetta was confirmed as CIA Director yesterday and Rahm Emanuel admitted he made some mistakes and Obama might finally get on Sheila Bair's suggestion that lenders be subsidized to renegotiate mortgages in order to stem the tide of foreclosures, if our tips line is any indication, y'all would really, really like to discuss the plane crash in Buffalo. The Sri Lankan government could be seeking foreign aid to set up concentration camps for more than 200,000 ethnic Tamil refugees, but 50 relatively privileged Americans died in a plane crash and it'll be headlines for days and days with photos of the fire and the tail being sprayed down and long obituaries to each nameless face that died in this accident that we can all look at and feel momentarily sad about while ignoring politics and world affairs. Ooh, did you see that koala picture? So fucking cute, right?

• Holy double zygote! Star is reporting that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are having twins. Again. Fertility treatments, duh. More in Midweek Madness. [Star]
• Meanwhile, in this clip, Brad Pitt says he thinks Angelina is gorgeous: "I get up some mornings and gasp." [E!]
• Pitt's next production: Starring as a British soldier and spy in The Lost City Of Z, an epic flick about Percy Fawcett, who left Victorian society to explore in the Amazon. [Variety]
• Wow, don't call it a comeback: Britney's Circus is the number one CD in the country, with 505,073 copies sold (which means it's gone gold). Of course, Oops! I Did It Again sold 1,319,193 units during its first week of sales, which means it was platinum — and eventually went diamond. But congrats! [AP, The.Life Files]

• Remember how Lindsay Lohan was seen with Sean Penn? They're thinking about possibly doing a film together. Is she working on… anything? [Page Six]
• Even though Jennifer Hudson has been in seclusion since her family was murdered in October, she will begin filming a video for her new single, "If This Isn't Love," next week. Back to work. [AP, USA Today]
• The woman under arrest for murder says that Mark Ruffalo's brother, Scott, died after playing Russian roulette. She's claiming Scott was a known cocaine user who played with guns in front of various witnesses. [NY Daily News]
• Mark Ruffalo has released a statement, which reads, in part: "Mark Ruffalo and his family deeply appreciate the outpouring of prayers and support during this most difficult time of the passing of Scott Ruffalo, beloved son, brother and husband. The funeral service will be private." [TMZ]
• And now the woman arrested in the shooting death of Scott Ruffalo has been cleared; the gunshot wound was, in fact, apparently self-inflicted. [Yahoo News via AP]
• This report claims that Shaha Adham, the woman accused in the Ruffalo murder, is a "dime-a-dozen Saudi princess." [MediaBistro]
• There's a new lawsuit in the Travis Barker/DJ Am plane crash: The surviving wife and son of Chris Baker, Barker's best friend and assistant, has filed with L.A. County Superior Court that the pilots "negligently decided to abort and/or reject the takeoff." [TMZ]
• Nicole Richie's jewelry line, House Of Harlow 1960, has debuted; look for it at ShopKitson.com. Nic Rich sez: "Obviously, the birth of my daughter is the best thing ever. Just in general, it's been a really great year for me. Everything's just kind of coming together. All of my dreams are becoming a reality." And does Harlow like fashion? "She likes to dress up. You can see it in her face. I'm not too caught up in her fashion at the moment. I just let her wear what's comfortable for her. But she loves tights." [USA Today]
• Gossip Girl gossip: Blake Lively and Penn Badgley might be on the rocks! Blake was seen making out with a random blond dude, and the next morning, Blake and Penn had an "awkward brunch." In other GG news, Ed "I'm Chuck Bass" Westwick was seen "really drunk." [Yahoo News via E!]
• Maybe making out: Gossip Girl's Chace Crawford and Taylor Momsen. [Page Six]
• Leonardo DiCaprio lost his wallet, but found it again. [Page Six]
• Since Anne Hathaway is promoting Bride Wars, naturally, reporters are asking her about marriage. She says: "Of course, like everyone, I'm kind of going through a moment where I'm like, 'Do I even believe in marriage? What's going on?' I do think eventually someday — if I met the right person — I would get married." [Daily Express]
• Twilight fans! Get your own Robert Pattinson doll, complete with bizarre eyeliner, pastel lipstick and artfully disheveled hair. [Best Week Ever]
• El oh el. This story claims "Robert Pattinson's masculinity ended his modeling career." [Daily Express]
• Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham says she cringes when she sees pictures of herself where her "boobs were around her neck." So do we! And there are plenty of pix in this story, so click away. [Daily Mail]
• Grey's Anatomy's T.R. Knight is looking to be released from his contract: "He’s not inspired by his story, by George," a source says. "He’s convinced he can do films. It’s as simple as that." [MSNBC Scoop]
• Jim Carrey broke three ribs doing a pratfall for his new movie Yes Man. "But the first thing I thought of was 'must look cool, man.'" [The Star]
• Whatever you do, don't call Jeremy Piven "Ari Gold." [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which TV actor secretly gets very friendly with the same sex, despite a slew of female exes?" [Gatecrasher]
• Apparently Paul McCartney has dozens of wild boar on his estate in Peasmarsh, East Sussex, UK, and neighbors claim they're damaging crops, trees and gardens. It's legal to "humanely" "cull" the boar — culll as in KILL — and McCartney refuses, because, as we all know, he's an animal rights advocate. [Telegraph]
• Carrie Fisher on her electroshock therapy: "They put you to sleep, and the electricity is just in your head. It wiped out four months of memory, but at my age, what's going to happen in four months that won't happen again?" [USA Today]
• Will Ferrell made a scene at the Oscar De La Hoya fight in Vegas. [Page Six]
• Brody Jenner is talking about The Hills but not saying anything interesting. [Yahoo News via E!]
• Some photographer knocked over Joan Rivers? How dare he! [Page Six]
• Jon Schneider, aka Bo Duke, had his SUV stolen from a mall outside of L.A. last week — and there were two puppies, meant to be Christmas gifts for his kids, inside. The car's been recovered, but the puppies are still missing! Click and see how cute they are. [TMZ, AP]
• Remember how DMX has been a wanted man? He's now in custody, after being arrested in Florida yesterday. He'll be sent to Arizona, where he'll face charges of drug possession, identity theft, and animal cruelty. Gonna make me lose my mind up in here! [Perez Hilton]
• The woman who accused actor-writer Tyler Perry of stealing her play for his movie, Diary Of A Mad Black Woman, lost her lawsuit. [Yahoo News via AP]
• You guys know that Darius Rucker, the black guy from Hootie and the Blowfish, is a country singer now, right? "I'm used to being the only black guy," he says. "I've seriously walked onstage, looked out in the audience, 15,000 people — and I'm the only one in the place. It's no big deal. My whole career's been like that… I just want to play." [WaPo]
• Wanna see what the creepy banjo kid in Deliverance looks like all growed up? [TMZ]
• "I am NOT pregnant." — Katie "Jordan" Price. [Daily Mail]
• "I'll smoke anything that comes around. It doesn't matter to me what type it is. People like to give me it. They feel that I shouldn't be without it. The vaporizer makes it easier on my lungs, because I was coughing and wheezing a lot" — Willie Nelson in Rolling Stone. [Page Six]
• "It seems that 'human rights' has become a bit of a loaded term in this country, but if you look at the declaration that countries made 60 years ago, it just sets out a series of basic rules about how people should treat each other… I wanted to be part of this film for Amnesty to help raise awareness of the UDHR and to help them, in a small way, to campaign against the abuses of human rights that are still happening every day." — Keira Knightley, who is part of Amnesty International's Protect the Human campaign and in a short film about the adoption of the UN Universal Declaration of Human Rights (UDHR). [The Star]
• "[If there were no paparazzi] I would take Harlow to the park. I feel that sometimes I don't get to do everything that I want to do with her. But you know what? I'm not complaining at all. She has a really great life. My life is what it is, and people have it a lot worse than me." — Nicole Richie. [USA Today]

• Following the terrible plane crash in which drummer Travis Barker and Adam "DJ AM" Goldstein were seriously injured, there were reports that Chris Baker, Travis's friend and business partner, was on his way to be home with his pregnant wife. These reports were erroneous. [Yahoo News via E!]
• Both Lindsay and Sam blogged about the horrifying plane crash. Wrote LL: "It's so scary to think that life can end so fast...we must all treasure each and every moment—and be thankful for what we have." [E!]
• Travis Barker is burned "mostly from the waist down." DJ AM is "really really badly burned," and the worst is on his face. [E!]
• Mandy Moore has rushed to the bedside of ex-boyfriend DJ AM. Travis Barker's ex-wife Shanna Moakler hopped a flight to be with Travis. [E!]
• Random celebs react to the DJ AM and Travis Barker news. [E!]
• DJ AM and Travis Barker could be hospitalized for weeks but are expected to fully recover. [CNN]
• A tire blowout could be to blame for the plane crash. [People]

• At the Emmys last night, the dresses were pretty, but boring. Christina Applegate looked awesome. [Yahoo News]
• On the red carpet last night, Christina Applegate said: "I've got a pretty dress on and lipstick, and [it's] something I haven't done in two months." She also addressed her breast cancer and the double mastectomy she endured: "For me to have a voice and be the voice of a 30-something-year-old girl going through this and dispelling the misnomers that it's an older woman's disease is a big part of this for me." [People]
• This report says that since the Golden Globes were almost canceled and the Oscars were anticlimactic, the Emmys were festive and glamourous but not ridiculously over the top. [MSNBC]
• Tina Fey lost her purse during the Emmys. She also said of Sarah Palin: "I want to be done playing this lady Nov. 5. So if anybody can help me be done playing this lady Nov. 5, that would be good for me." [AP]
• Is Lindsay coming out, little by little, on her MySpace — instead of in one big "Yes, I'm gay" cover story on a tabloid mag? [LA Times]
• Someone is trying to sell 12 pictures from Casey Aldridge's digital camera that show Britney Spears, Jamie Lynn Spears, daughter Maddie and Casey… and in one picture, Jamie Lynn is breastfeeding Maddie and her breast is exposed. Because JLS is a minor, selling or buying the pix could be a violation of child pornography laws, even though they're not sexual. [TMZ]
• George Michael was arrested with crack in a public restroom. Um. Crack as in drugs. Not ass crack. As far as we know. He was taken to a police station and given a "caution." [BBC News]
• George Michael says: "I want to apologise to my fans for screwing up again, and to promise them I'll sort myself out. And to say sorry to everybody else, just for boring them." [Perez Hilton]
• Comic Sandra Bernhard says a "gang rape" joke she made about Sarah Palin was part of her act. "I certainly wish Governor Palin no harm. I'd just like her to explain to me how she can hold such outrageous views — and then go back to Alaska." [UPI]
• Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds were out on the Lower East Side of New York recently wearing matching bowler hats. They went to some bar and the doorman wanted to take a picture with Scarlett when she snapped, "I'm not the Statue of Liberty." [Page Six]
• Jack McBrayer, who plays Kenneth on 30 Rock, says Jennifer Aniston's stint for the show was "fantastic." "I think we are all star-struck with her." [People]
• Singer Natalie Cole, who recently revealed she had hepatitis C, has been hospitalized as a result of side effects from her medication and a heavy promotional schedule. [USA Today]
• Mel Gibson just bought David Duchovny and Tea Leoni's Malibu home for $11.5 million. Hmm, liquidation of assets… Are David and Tea going to get divorced? [TMZ]
• Ali Lohan hopped on the back of a male friend's motorcycle and had to be rushed to the hospital for minor injuries after a minor accident last month. She got "scraped up." A friend says, "I think she may have wanted to impress this boy." [ONTD]
• Miley Cyrus is sick of being Hannah Montana. [ONTD via TMZ]
• Kate Moss and Jamie Hince have split up and it is FINAL. [The Sun]
• A "mystery hunk" gave Kate Moss a lapdance. [Mirror]
• Does Pete Doherty want Kate Moss back? [Mirror]
• Hugh Grant and Jemima Khan: Back on. [Daily Express]
• Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham says: "You know, I could just go shopping every day and sit on my bum. But I’d be so bored. I don’t even go shopping any more. I run four miles, seven days a week. I am eating more. I think you do eat more when you’re working out." She also says her new short hair wasn't her idea: "I just told the hairdresser to use his imagination." [The Sun]
• Sienna Miller is going to be in that Guy Ritchie Sherlock Holmes film, which means she'll be reunited with Jude Law on screen. Awkward! [Mirror]
• The woman who is suing two photographers and a paparazzi agency over a video that shows Heath Ledger doing drugs has amended her lawsuit. [News.com.au]
• Kanye West, John Legend, Sheryl Crow, Stevie Wonder and others can be heard on Yes We Can: Voices of a Grassroots Movement, a CD for sale exclusively through Barack Obama's campaign. [USA Today]
• John Lennon had a terrible temper and once screamed into son Sean's ear so loudly his ear was damaged and he had to go to the hospital. [Page Six]
• Heather Mills is donating one million dollars worth of vegan food to children in the South Bronx, one of the poorest neighborhoods in New York. What kids in the ghetto dream of: Soy burgers. [The Star]
• Heather says: "The public adores me... I haven't got a bad word to say about Paul... men are falling over themselves to ask me out... my only interest in life is helping others." [Daily Mail]
• Holland Taylor, who plays Charlie Sheen's mom on Two And A Half Men, commented on the news that Charlie and his wife Brooke are expecting a baby: "I think he's a wonderful daddy to his girls – he just adores them, he's very sweet with them. [But] it will be very interesting to see Charlie with a boy. It'll bring out a whole other side of him, I'm sure." [People]
• Arnold Schwarzenegger confirms that he used to smoke weed with Tommy Chong. [TMZ]
• Robert Wagner had an affair with Barbara Stanwyck, his co-star in the 1953 film Titanic, who was 23 years his senior. [Reuters]
• Jamie Oliver and his wife Jools are expecting a new baby to join daughters Poppy Honey, 6 and Daisy Boo, 5. May we suggest some possible names? Violet Love, Rose Sugar, Carnation Milk. [Mirror]
• Steven Tyler performed in pants he'd gotten from Cher. [Fox 411]
• Jenna Jameson and Tito Ortiz: Having twins. [Perez Hilton]
• You know how Audrina moved out of Lauren Conrad's house? It was supposed to be an "exclusive" story for a major tabloid mag. But now everyone knows. But! Since she already signed a deal, Audrina gets to keep the money. We'll see what Us Weekly has on the cover on Wednesday. [TMZ]
• Holly Madison and Criss Angel: Still hanging out in Las Vegas, though they deny that they're dating. They were seen dancing and kissing in a club. [Perez Hilton]
• Rachel Bilson will star in an indie romance in which she plays a TV actress living in Hollywood. Way to show your range! [Variety]
• David Blaine will hang upside down above Central Park for 60 hours and could go blind due to the blood pressure in his eyes. Additionally, he could bore us to tears. [Mirror]
• Be prepared to take Mariah Carey seriously as an actress: She plays the battered wife of a state trooper in Tennessee, and just got cast in Push, where she'll play a Harlem social worker. She's also developing a movie musical based, um, on her Christmas album. [Rush & Molloy]
• "I gained five pounds and it’s like a national scandal." — Eva Longoria. [The Sun]
• "I will no longer attempt to do any sports movie, anymore. Any sports. No golf movie. I'm retired from sports-genre films. You know, I think I filled my quota." — Will Ferrell. [USA Today]
• When you were younger, did you ever dream about being royalty? "No. I was a tomboy. When I was a child, I made mud pies—sort of just adding water to mud and squishing it together. I didn't wear a skirt until I think I was 14. The princess thing was the last thing on my list." — Keira Knightley. [Newsweek]
• "My breasts have had a brilliant career. I've just tagged along for the ride." — Pamela Anderson. [Daily Mail]
• "I'm 37. I have nothing to say about the new 90210. Who gives a shit." — Sarah Silverman. [E!]