Also of concern are ethical issues associated with the marketing of these procedures and the national franchising in this field. Such a business model that controls the dissemination of scientific knowledge is troubling.

When we had those appointments with the doctors, only one of them mentioned the incredibly important possibility that sensation could be altered or lost in the clitoris if we were to go ahead with the procedure. Neither of them mentioned the other potential complications listed in the ACOG report: "infection, dyspareunia, adhesions, and scarring." The doctors seriously acted like it was no big deal that we'd be interested in surgically altering our vagina when it was so clearly not needed, which leads us to the ACOG's next point:

It is deceptive to give the impression that vaginal rejuvenation, designer vaginoplasty, revirgination, G-spot amplification are accepted and routine surgical practices. Absence of data supporting the safety and efficacy of these procedures makes their recommendation untenable.

Genital Procedure Draws Warning [WSJ]
Earlier: Pimp My Vadge
Pimp My Vadge: A Woman's Opinion
Pimp My Vadge: The Pornographer's Opinion

For my final consultation, I decided to go to a different kind of professional who makes a living off of looking at vaginas: A pornographer. I sat down with Mitch Fontaine, co-CEO of Burning Angel, showed him my vadge and asked him what he thought. He has an interesting theory about labia that I'd never heard before at all. According to Mitch, no vaginas look alike—nor should they—but most can be categorized into at least four different classifications, as far as physical description goes.

I can honestly say that I trusted the opinion of a smut peddler more than the doctors I visited. I mean, just like with the gynos, it was no big whoop for Mitch to look at my privates, as he's probably seen more pussy than the toilets of the ladies' room at a lesbian bar. However, because he's not all clinical and stuff, and because the nature of what he does his sexual, he seemed to remember that there was a woman attached to my vagina.

From what I can tell from all of this (and from this NSFW link), the aim is to
surgically "correct" womens' labia to look one specific way. But, like, if "designer vaginas" all look the same, doesn't that make them generic? And if so, doesn't that technically make them designer impostors?

Earlier: Pimp My Vadge: A Woman's Opinion
Pimp My Vadge

Last week, when I got a labiaplasty consultation, I had a man doctor look at my lady parts. While he told me that my vadge didn't look "that bad" (thanks?) my labia majora could still be improved upon. He recommended vaginal lip lipo, saying that it was unlikely I would ever lose the labia fat through diet and exercise because I'm not "grossly overweight" (This guy really knows how to give a girl a compliment.)

For my second opinion, I made an appointment with a woman doctor. I'd been tipped off that this doc had hired a PR firm to handle the cosmetic surgery portion of her practice. The reasons behind why a gynecologist would need to publicize such procedures seemed questionable to me. But I couldn't help but think that since this gyno was a woman, she couldn't possibly be on board for making money by allowing women to feel inadequate and self-conscious about yet another part of their bodies.

I have to say that I really liked this doctor right off the bat, which I hadn't been expecting. In her billowing, multi-layered, long black skirt, she reminded me of Stevie Nicks, and that sort of organic, mystical grace comforted me much more than the typical, cold, clinical experience of being examined.

For this visit, instead of making up some bogus excuse as to why I was displeased with my very normal labia, I decided to just let Dr. Blank, Medicine Woman take a look a my crotch and tell me what she thought of it.

I placed my feet in the stirrups. With my lips parted, I kept my mouth shut and let her go to work. To my pleasant surprise, she was way honest with me about how there wasn't much she could do, and she also informed me of some very crucial info that the dude doctor failed to relay, regarding damaging the nerves of my clit (aka my livelihood!), should I go through with any surgery to my labia majora.

You know, I thought that first doctor's idea of lip lipo sounded sort of insane. I watch Discovery Health Channel. Lipo is a violent procedure. I imagine it would ransack your property downtown. I feel for any girl who would be misguided enough to go down that route. I mean, I really feel for her. Just thinking about that shit gives me phantom pains.

Earlier: Pimp My Vadge
We're Beginning To Look A Lot Like Barbie

When I first heard about labioplasty and vaginoplasty a few years ago, it sounded like a procedure that would only appeal to porn stars and women who practice the rhythm method—you know, SUVs—Service Utility Vaginas. But vaginal plastic surgery is a growing trend as evidenced by the opening of practices dedicated to the procedure, like the one I dragged my labes to on Manhattan's Upper East Side.

Frankly, I think this whole cookie-cutter cooch thing is bunch of bullshit. I'm a feminist and everything, but I'll be the first to acknowledge that vaginas aren't always pretty. The thing is though, vaginas are supposed to be like that. And just like snowflakes, no two are the same. I'm sure there are occasions of extreme physical abnormality, but those cases are rare. Because if they were common, then they wouldn't be abnormal, now would they?

Honestly, I have no beef with my lips—they've always done right by me. So when I was finally in the doctor's office, and he asked me what I wanted fixed, I had to think fast on my feet—or in my stirrups, rather. It's really clear to anyone looking that I don't have a labia minora problem, so I made up a complaint about my labia majora. I was somewhat shocked that he agreed that something could be done to improve the appearance of my pussy.

It was weird watching the doctor push and tug at my labia in the promotional Ortho Tri-Cyclen mirror that the nurse was holding up. It was even weirder because he was kind of sexy, with his salt and pepper hair and his toothy grin. Still, it was sort of upsetting when he told me that my outer lips could stand to loose some weight through lipo. No girl likes to be told she's chubby—even if it's only in the labia. Something about that visit was fishy—and it had nothing to do with my legs being spread wide open.