Jezebel 
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New York, 1:29 PM
Mon Nov 9
40 posts in the last 24 hours
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06/17/09
I think there is a difference between lowering your standards and re-evaluating what is really important. Lots of girls don't just require a guy be taller than them, he has to be way taller than them to get a date. He doesn't just have to have a grown up job and a degree, he has to have a prestigious job and lots of money. When you judge guys like this, sometimes the fact that he's a huge ass is totally overlooked.
But someone really needs to write a Maxim or Men's Health article about the same thing. There are non-player guys out there who are still holding out for the super model who loves WoW and makes 200k/yr.
06/16/09
"But if any of you are holding out for a future U.N. high commissioner who's also won an Olympic bronze in tennis, makes sushi at home and DJs at his own club on weekends, you really need to get a grip.
Why is it we are only saying this is a discussion about Black relationships?!! I do date outside my race and when I'm dating a nice Jewish boy and I think to myself, "Hmmmm...I'd like someone who's a cardiologist, runs triathlons, is an expert on Chilean wine and plays electric bass", no one would be telling me to "get a grip". They'd be trying to remember who they knew in college that played electric bass.
I'll admit it's true, that there aren't enough Black men who can claim all these accomplishments, but the answer isn't for me to lower my expectations. Half the problem with our Black men today are the low expectations this society has for them.
Don't fucking tell tell me, "Why don't you just go find you a nice White man?" Why? Because White men are "better"? See how we just skipped over the discussion of why Black men don't have equal opportunities to get to that conclusion again?
FUCK THAT. Get a grip on my ass and kiss it.
*Ok, I'm actually probably glad and I wasn't here for this thread and that probably no one will read this. Also, there is never an excuse for ashy toes.
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You have to get to a place where you know yourself well enough to know what you want in a relationship. You don't have to articulate why you are rejecting someone so long as you feel comfortable doing it and don't regret your decision. A relationship is just too much work to bother investing in someone who immediately puts you off. As I've grown older, I realize a lot of the guys I've failed to draft first-round had a real personality fit problem. I'm a piece of work (good or bad is still up for debate) and I recognize that- it goes into the relationship decision.
It seems unfair to blame all the guys out there for not fitting. I'm a snowflake and I can't expect too many mates.
That being said, he has to be mostly sane, working, paid up in his child support, have outside interests that he holds dear (whether it is Star Trek or Grant Lee Buffalo), friends that he has held for at least a decade, no affairs with anyone married ever, and be able to make solid judgments that he holds to. Oh, yeah, he has to genuinely like me, find me attractive, make me feel good about myself, be kind to animals, and be good to me.
06/16/09
The bespeckled skinny white hipster boy who works as a bartender may be fun for a second. But when the mutual "cool" factor wears off, how much do you really have in common? He is eventually going to become intimidated by you (your culture, intellect, income), and you'll eventually need someone more appropriate for holiday parties and networking functions.
Now that I'm looking for a real partner, I think it's important to be selective. No, I may not find the perfect man, but I have to be careful on what I decide is worth "settling" for. I'd rather be alone with my hope, then saddled with constant disappointment in a relationship.
06/16/09
Standards can't be arbitrary simply because people may not fit a demographic profile but may fit a personal one.
06/16/09
I don't generalize people, and I know there is good and bad in every individual. But I've come to a point where I've realized the importance of demographics, due to the latent ideas that American men (or people in general) have about gender, power and race. So if I have to deal with the headache that is dating, I'd rather at least deal with it from someone in a similar demographic who knows where I'm coming from, so that's one less thing to have to explain.
06/16/09
06/16/09
I have to also say how sick I am of everything geared toward us urging us to lower our standards or "face the prospect of being single forever" as if singlehood is some sort of lifelong hell for women. Actually um NO, it's not. I am also sick of these stats about how we're the least married….um so what? Isn't the number for white women at 50% or higher too these days? So why is it sold as just a crisis for US? Maybe if marriage lengthened our lives, made us healthier, made us more money, made us happier, etc. (you know, the way it does for MEN) I could understand the urgency and importance of this issue.
Signed, a Black woman who will likely remain unmarried for life and thinks this is a great and empowering thing!
06/16/09
The largest problem with expectations is you might meet someone who meets all of them and just isn't right for you anyways.
@Chocolate Sex Bunny: Some of your expectations are perfectly reasonable, but the articulate one really gets me because my best friend has a stutter. He's a great guy, but I've known he's got shot down at least a few times because he'll stutter once every 3 or 4 minutes.
Women talk about expectations, and how they shouldn't have to compromise. I'm not asking anyone to compromise. I'm just saying aren't we all adult enough to determine if someone is compatible without a check list?
06/16/09
Anything we dedicate large amounts of time to has to have certain components and attributes in place for us to feel comfortable. It's human nature.
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But I'm strange. I'm partial to resonant voices, Con law nerddom, jugears, and Star Trek. It's actually a little unsettling the degree to which the Pres resembles S.O.'s who have floated through the Rooo's life.
06/16/09
"He drank a hot chocolate instead of coffee. What is he? A 6'4''12-year-old? (I'm putting myself out there-this was my own reaction to an otherwise pleasant date just a few years ago.)"
Jesus, as a 5'10" overweight bearded non-coffee drinker, I'm so screwed.
I should take up smoking. If anything, it will only improve my chances with women who smoke.
06/16/09
06/16/09
That said, I refuse to let the man shortage in the Black community cost me my standards. I bring a lot to the table (my looks and height included- yes, superficial, and what) and I am not sitting down with someone who can't say the same. I'm not tripping off of someone's salary or "nerdiness", but if you think I'm gonna take up with someone who's 5'6 and/or has never seen the inside of a gym...or someone who listens to Young Jeezy and spends time on the corner aside from when he's trying to cross the street... you're insane. Eff it, call me Shallow Shaniqua.
06/16/09
She and my dad had recently gotten married and moved halfway across the country to Edwards Air Force Base, where my dad was a newly-minted captain. They socialized a lot with a bunch of single 20-something officers (this being 1969, they were all men) who complained endlessly that there were "no women to date" around there. (Edwards is smack in the middle of the Mojave Desert.) In the meantime, my mom was working on her master's at Cal State Bakersfield, where she met a bunch of (mostly female) 20-something education majors who bitched about "not having any guys to date." My mom, being the enabling type, had a plan.
She invited about 45-50 people to a BBQ up in Hart Park, which is up in the mountains more or less halfway between Edwards and Bakersfield. The rules were simple: no booze (there). Everyone had a long drive home, and a modicum of social order was necessary.
A zillion relationships and at least three marriages later, everyone involved still seems quite convinced that it was a good idea. Point being: sometimes, you need initiative. Or my mom.
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06/16/09
All those "hot hunks" will eventually get old, get a stomach (not a 6-pack) and lose their teeth and hearing. What's left after that?
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06/16/09
The fourth and final boyfriend, who I will be marrying in three months and change? 5'5".
I'm 5'8". And I'm a big girl, and I always thought I wanted to be with tall guys so I'd feel smaller. Turns out, I just needed to be with someone who didn't think I should be hidden. Who knew?
It is, indeed, sound advice to broaden one's horizons and quit worrying about the insignificant details. Although it's worth adding that if something really grosses you out and makes you fixate, then it's not an insignificant detail. ;)
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06/16/09
He is also the sweetest, smartest human being I have ever met, and has never said anything negative about my body, has never disparaged my interests or talents, and has never said a single unkind word to me. He is gentle, caring, and terrifyingly intelligent.
I'm a pasty white Midwesterner who found her way to NYC. He's from Las Vegas and is of Filipino heritage. Date nerdy people who don't look like you! THEY'RE AWESOME!
06/16/09
Yup, your SO sounds just like mine. And THOSE are the things that I thank my lucky stars for when I watch some the dudes in the couples we are friends with treating their partners like shit and trashing women in general. The traits you mentioned above are unfortunately all too rare.
06/16/09
My grandpa is 5'3" and is a retired Army lieutenant colonel. He fought in WWII and Korea, helped liberate a concentration camp, qualified for the Olympic target shooting team in 1952, and is generally a badass. More importantly, he is an incredibly sweet, loving, and affectionate guy. My grandma got very lucky when she married him.
I suspect that's why I've never really considered a guy's height in the attractiveness equation.
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