STEVE: Shalom and here we go. It won't be the first time I've talked about something I didn't actually see.

MEGAN: Well, you saw it but in true Jezebel fashion, you saw it intoxicated. This is the first one I actually watched stone-cold sober because I couldn't stop typing long enough to drink the bottle of wine I opened.

STEVE: My insights are admittedly influenced by the haze of a nice, Australian Cabernet-Shiraz blend. Yes, "that one."

MEGAN: So you do remember some things! But, basically, Obama won and nobody asked anything that wasn't pre-screened because they didn't want to get yelled at by Tom Brokaw like he kept yelling at Obama and McCain.

STEVE: Yes, I remember mostly the focus group that Katie Couric did after, and the undecidededs didn't like "that one" very well. Maybe, as Maureen posited this morning, it was a cross between "the one" and "that woman," but it seemed dismissive and odd.

MEGAN: I mean, it's actually something you say to, like, your kids, isn't it? I thought it was very infantilizing.

STEVE: I wouldn't know about kids, but my friend Suzanne is here and says she'd never really talk to her kids like that. I would, however, sometimes talk to a boyfriend like that. And that's not a good sign.

MEGAN: Wait! Wasn't it you that sent me that magazine cover of them kissing?

STEVE: YES I DID and you didn't pick it up. I thought it was going to be a big deal. But maybe the progressives won't get mad at The Progressive?

MEGAN: It was just a little too... something.

STEVE: I'm not even sure what that was supposed to mean. But I can say, without a doubt, that I wouldn't kiss any man who pointed at me and called me "that one" in public.

MEGAN: You know, I did kiss a dude who later called me "that one" in public in what he thought was a jocular way. I accused him of using his brother's terminal illness as a way to get pussy, so I guess I didn't appreciate it.

STEVE: Speaking of our rights to kiss anyone we want, I thought it was a little odd, and disappointing, that not a word was said about the Supreme Court last night, two days into the new term and with at least two judges barely holding on.

MEGAN: Well, but Sarah Palin covered that, right? [I crack myself up some times]

STEVE: Every swing state voter I know - and I recently met a mom in Ohio who WANTS to vote GOP, but is really being persuaded by the high court argument.

MEGAN: Because of Roe? That's interesting. On the other hand, if the Democratic Party can win the Presidency on the economy and the Republican can't gin people up on social issues like abortion and gay marriage because independent voters have realized that it's craven and whatever, that's not a bad thing, right?

STEVE: I really think the court issue is ALMOST as persuasive as the "Jesus the stock market crashed 500 points again" issue. You know, Bill Maher said on Friday, and I agree, that it almost always requires a national catastrophe to get progressives elected. BUT DO AMERICANS NOT GET THAT THE SUPREME COURT COULD BE A NATIONAL CATASTROPHE TOO?

MEGAN: Well, 54 percent of the country thinks abortion should stay legal and the more they put the crazies on TV, the more people go, um, those people are cray-cray. Like, they should give that crazy anti-gay guy from Kansas more press.

STEVE: I bet Fred Phelps votes based on the Supreme Court!

MEGAN: Totally! But everyone hates him. Harley riders hate him. He's the antithesis of everything the anti-gay movement is trying to pretend to be, which is faux-tolerant. You know, like Sarah Palin. It's okay if you, like, have to be gay, but the government shouldn't do anything special for your heathen, social-norm defying self. That would be giving you "special" rights. Because the right to, say, marry or to have equal protection under the law is "special."

STEVE: Sarah says she "tolerates" the gays. Does that make us feel better?

MEGAN: Like, she doesn't want to gas them or anything! It doesn't make me feel better. What is there about gay people to "tolerate"? It's not like gayness is something that might rub off or something.

STEVE: OK and so if they spent 60 minutes on the economy last night, we should spend a few minutes on it here. Angela Merkel is on the front of the NYT business section today, looking very stressed.

MEGAN: Well, I think I know why.

STEVE: And as someone who was raised by a single mother and appreciates the (much better) grasp that women have on pocket book issues than men, I get worried when they look panicked. I mean, a friend emailed last night to tell me that he and his boyfriend decided not to buy expensive, designer jeans after the 500 drop yesterday. And when the gay men stop pumping money into the economy for lavish, unessential items like Italian jeans, we have problems.

MEGAN: Well, that alone explains the 500 point drop in the Dow yesterday. I have no doubt that Angela Merkel doesn't want to be presiding over an economic crisis brought on by the financial crisis and credit crunch by her personal masseur.

STEVE: I mean, when $2 trillion of retirement money is gone . . . and gay men can't buy jeans . . . is our salvation really going to be found in cutting a $3 million overhead projector for a planetarium? And, like, if they did buy the projector for the planetarium, and Sarah could see Jupiter from her seat, could we make her an astronaut and send her to the moon or something?

MEGAN: Okay, first off, I really like planetariums. I'm just sayin'. Fuck McCain for hating on planetariums. Second off, he's also going to personally renegotiate everyone's mortgages. Except mine. And yours if you had one. I mean, not really "everyone" as much as people whose houses lost value because they bought stuff for absurdist prices. And took out absurdly high mortgages. And only if they're old, to make up for the massive cuts in Medicare spending he's planning.

STEVE: And McCain's mortgage plan is totally borrowed from Hillary, which was borrowed from her history lessons on the Great Depression.

MEGAN: Also, did you get the sense that they made that up on the bus on the way there? Sort of like how McCain's all, I know how to kill bin Laden! I do! Just watch! I will go into some place I won't name and kill bin Laden quietly, because generally invading a sovereign nation goes over way better if you just hope they don't notice.

STEVE: But if you pronounce Pakistan as Pah-kee-stahn, the whole things has an air of credibility.

MEGAN: Just like "new-cue-lerr" makes it sound less scary?

STEVE: You betcha!

MEGAN: Such as!

STEVE: So Olbermann says Palin is the one palling around with terrorists — the Alaska Independence Party.

MEGAN: Well, you know, just because they advocated potentially violent secession, we sponsored by Iran and hate Our Freedoms doesn't makes them terrorists... Oh, wait, let's just call Olbermann and pinko Commie in the tank for Obama.

STEVE: The AIP founder, Olbermann says, said that, "The fires of hell are frozen glaciers compared to my hatred for the American government, and I won't be buried under their damn flag"

MEGAN: Why doesn't he just go to Canada? It's, like, right the fuck there.

STEVE: Don't ruin Canada for the rest of us! I hear Montreal is quite a party.
But where is this tank everyone keeps talking about? It must be pretty crowded in there by now.

MEGAN: And kind of sexy. I mean, Olbermann's in it with Rachel Maddow and Bill Keller of the NY Times, who I saw on Saturday and is kind of silver foxy.

STEVE: Is Rachel Maddow DRIVING the tank? Margaret Cho says you gotta have a lesbian to read the map.

MEGAN: Well, I'll bet Rachel is driving and Suze Orman is navigating through the minefields.

STEVE: Are we going to end up with Suze or Warren Buffet as treasury secretary anyway? Can't Warren Buffet just bail us out of this . . . maybe with a little help from Bill Gates?

MEGAN: I know, Warren Buffet as Treasury Secretary? I was like, dude, McCain, seriously, you had a whole series of commercials about how stupid celebrity is and now you're nominating the only financier people will recognize by name as Treasury Secretary? I mean, you know he wanted to be honest and say "Phil Gramm," because McCain, too, thinks we're a nation of whiners and this is just a mental depression.

STEVE: I mean, I bank at Wachovia, or Citibank, or Wells Fargo OR WHATEVER IT IS THIS MORNING and I'd feel much more secure banking at Warren Buffet's house.

MEGAN: I'd feel more secure banking from under my mattress at this stage.
If anyone is going to fuck over my money, it really should be me.

MEGAN: Let us kick off the first of two airport-edition Crappy Hours! Impressions of Frankfurt: very large and very shiny, and the people behind me are either eating egg salad or changing a baby's diaper.

SPENCER: Part I: Germany. What's in german egg salad? Is it like the potato salad, which is like potato salad here except flossy?

MEGAN: I'm going to take a wild guess and suggest it probably includes dill, since I always think dill smells like ass and have trouble eating it without a touch of a gag reflex kicking in. There was a potato salad consumed at some point this weekend, but I'll be damned if I really noticed a difference.

SPENCER: you're out of your mind! Dill is one of the most soothing aromatics you can have. My mother immediately disapproves of this CH and speaking of things to disapprove of, should we talk about McCain & Obama on Iraqhanistan or is that just me hijacking your feature?

MEGAN: We should definitely talk McCain and Obama and the Surge and whatever. And please apologize to your mom for me. If she wants me to give it a second chance, I will. So, like, they disagree about it, is what I'm given to understand.

SPENCER: what's amazing is that as recently as two months ago, McCain was denying the need for additional troops in Afghanistan

MEGAN: Oh, well, I mean, if we're going to be in Iraq in 100 years, we probably need a refueling point.

SPENCER: even as 2008 casualties in Afghanistan are nearly match the US death toll in all of 2007 and we're only at July 16 but Obama has been saying for almost a solid motherfucking year that we need to redeploy some forces from Iraq, which is not strategically crucial, to Afghanistan, which is.

MEGAN: Oh, man, that ain't good. Actually, I was talking about that with some Germans, too, they think we've fucked up Afghanistan pretty well.

SPENCER: yesterday McCain flipflops and basically adopts Obama's position, except he starts acting a bitch and saying Obama doesn't understand the "success of the surge":

“Senator Obama will tell you we can’t win in Afghanistan without losing in Iraq. In fact, he has it exactly backwards. It is precisely the success of the surge in Iraq that shows us the way to succeed in Afghanistan. It is by applying the tried and true principles of counterinsurgency used in the surge, which Senator Obama opposed, that we will win in Afghanistan.”

MEGAN: Oh, well, that's me, you, Obama, more than half of all Americans and a majority of Congress, so I feel like Obama's in good company.

SPENCER: now, on the one hand, I admire McCain's tactical savvy — he's disguising his retreat with an artillery barrage, which is sensible, but substantively, it's fucking crackers

MEGAN: Wait, so, like, when we're done surging in Iraq we're going to surge in Afghanistan? Is that what McCain's suggesting?

SPENCER: the idea that we can apply the "lessons" of Iraq — and McCain is dead-set on applying the wrong lessons — to a much, much much different country is insane yeah and that we've got to call it a SURGE because SURGEs are totally rad and he was in favor of the SURGE and the SURGE worked except when it doesn't.

MEGAN: I'll bet you he calls it surging rather than thrusting when he takes his once-a-year Viagra and bangs Cindy, too. Also, what are the lessons of Iraq? If you stick enough cannon fodder on the street the insurgents will quiet down until we go? Good plan.

SPENCER: and the most asinine thing? Obama is saying, fine, ok, you want to say Iraq is safer, whatevs, that means we should take our troops from a safe place and put them in a place that we need to make safe McCain says that security in Iraq means we have to stay forever; violence in Iraq means we have to stay forever; we need to redeploy some forces from Iraq so we can SURGE in Afghanistan; but not too many because that will mean Iraq will become less secure and that means we have to stay there forever. Okay, what else should we talk about?

MEGAN: Does McCain think that if he talks about it in the most confusing and obfuscating way possible that the rest of Americans will be as confused as the 30 percent that still like Bush and vote for him?
SPENCER: oh man - i want to make a web video of the 26 percent that still supports Bush

MEGAN: We could talk about McCain advisor Phil Gramm's porn career? And particularly the Nixon-imitator porn film, only I might start gagging again if I think too hard about that. Nixonland has a whole new meaning to me over here.

SPENCER: as, like, forming the 26 Percent Nation and harassing people on their way to work as street preachers dressed in weird robes and vestments with swords

MEGAN: Oooh, I would totally go harass Bush supporters. Only it would be hard to find any in Germany outside the Merkel government and even really in.

SPENCER: "You know you know you know Katrina was a hoax! They they they they said the levees broke but they they they they never broke, they never broke! We fight in Iraq so the terrorists won't make us fight in Dubuque and they'd follow us home because they like to chase freedom because they they they they hate freedom! You only chase what you HATE!"

MEGAN: And don't forget how they want to hurt our malls. Our malls! The symbols of our culture!

SPENCER: i recall reading a Doonesbury comic like 15 years ago about Phil Gramm bankrolling pornosbut Mighty Max gets yet another hot story.

MEGAN: And, yet, it's actually fucking true? The hell? And his bankrolled Nixon porn. He might as well have bankrolled Reagan bukkake porn.

SPENCER: hahaha Truck Stop Women

MEGAN: No rig too big?

SPENCER: i had a girlfriend last year who's an artist and she also used to drive trucks w her ex-bf; she designed an entire metallurgy show around truck stops, and made this awesome belt buckle around the 'No Lot Lizard' symbol, lot lizards being truck-stop whores

MEGAN: Yeah, I'm actually aware of the term. Actually, every time I drive home, between Hazleton and the NY border, there are all these billboards for massage parlors and every single time I wonder... that would be easy for the cops to figure out, right?

SPENCER: I'm waiting for Rick Perlstein's take on naked Nixon. Yeah, you should get a massage, see what they offer you.

MEGAN: I'm going to guess we will all be equally horrified.

SPENCER: oh before I forget, the new Nas record totally shouts out Jezebel
on a great track called "America".

MEGAN: Usually, by that point in the ride, I am considering it even though I'm totally sure it wouldn't be as good as my normal masseur, Antoine's, hands.

SPENCER: You have a normal masseur?

MEGAN: When I had a grown-up job I hated that paid me a lot of money, I paid Antoine to rub my naked body with oil and talk to me with his French accent once every two weeks in the middle of the work day. Usually about the time my Wonkette column was set to run. Both made me hate my life marginally less.

SPENCER: And at this point every dude who reads CH has just excused himself to furtively enjoy a tender moment.

MOE: you there?
MEGAN: I am! I'm sitting in a cafe in Saarbrücken, drinking my 4th dose of caffeine for the day and watching it sprinkle outside.
MOE: How pleasant! I am in my bed with a raspberry Kombucha, and I have yet to make the caffeine so as with so many days I am somewhat cranky, particularly regarding the kneejerk hostility of my countrymen, which is to say what the fuck, "Obama aide"? God people need to simmer down. Beyond that I was talking about the Jesse Jackson thing last night and decided that like everything it was just really funny.
MEGAN: I forgot to tell you, I saw Snuffleupagus get into a cab at M and Connecticut the other week! Also, because I missed Crappy Hour yesterday because my flight was super delayed, I also forgot to mention that Madeline Albright was on my flight but I never managed to get back up to business class to fan girl out in her direction after she caught me staring and grinning like an idiot when I got on the plane. Also, how nerdy is it that I fan girl out about Madeline Albright? Anyway, I'm not sure I quite understand the Jesse Jackson thing, but that might be because I spent the time I should've been reading about it toasting my friends' marriage on an empty stomach and thereafter read about it.
MEGAN: But my nerd-crush Chuck Todd says that the map is shifting to Obama anyway so maybe Jesse Jackson can shove off? I forget, did he knock his mistress up or just get caught having one?
MOE: You know, anyone who gets caught whispering about how he's going to cut off the nuts of a guy who is not only in all likelihood the next leader of the free world but a
MOE: close family friend — while miked — at Fox News!…at FOX NEWS…definitely says shit a lot worse than that on a very regular basis, as my friend Brian was pointing out last night. He sort of wanted to engage in a hypothetical Jesse Jackson empty threat contest. I think he started with a reference to skullfucking.
MEGAN: How about eyeball licking when you've got cold sores? Eye herpes=painful and blinding. Plus just the thought of it gives me the chills.
MEGAN: Also, can I say, it sort of freaks me out in Germany that people are, like, totally willing to get caught looking at you. People watching is more of an art form in America in which the goal is not to get caught. Here, they don't care and it is very disconcerting. I don't say that because a group of 15 men just walked by and all stopped talking to look at me as they walked by or anything and I'm not even speaking English or anything.
MOE: Dude WHERE IS MY NOONAN. NO NOONAN TODAY. And where the fuck has Brooks been? You mean to tell me these once a week columnists get vacations? Anyway, so what is all this bullshit with Obama and abortion? I have a block against reading about abortion because reading abortion stories doesn't tell you anything new about anything I guess. And re the Prussians, I kind of like that. I look at people unabashedly all the time. If I have left my house, you are fair game is how I see it.
MEGAN: I know, I just keep, like, checking to see if my bra is showing or something.
MEGAN: Oh, that's the late term abortion thingie.
MEGAN: Basically, he's all like, no "late term" abortions for mental distress, but then there's been no real explanation for him about the definition of "late term," which could be anything from one week into the second trimester to the 8 month mark, AS THOUGH women look down and 8 months and go, ohhh, shit, yeah, this was a bad idea.
MEGAN: Anyway, so peeps are all pissed off and I think rightly so because, for me, it's all within the context of other stuff he's seemingly moving to the middle on which is why I wrote this.
MOE: I guess I should also go through some other shit I ignored this week, such as the party of Lincoln bloggers are angry Obama said Americans should learn other languages, but I think he is maybe just being "pro growth" since some language skills might do something to staunch the rapid falloff in the value of a US life. And to that end maybe Phil Gramm's tough love approach to fending off recession could be exported to other places with economic woes like I dunno Egypt?
MEGAN: Ok, shit, my battery's about to die and I don't see a plug and don't remember the word, so if I disappear, I'll see you shortly but maybe not shortly enough to continue with this...

MEGAN: Sorry, in the meantime, a woman sat directly in front of me, lit up a cigarette and, to avoid blowing the smoke in her companions face, blew it in mine.
MOE: Hey, you know who's not on vacation for which we can be thankful? E. J. Dionne.

The biggest political story of 2008 is getting little coverage. It involves the collapse of assumptions that have dominated our economic debate for three decades.
Since the Reagan years, free-market cliches have passed for sophisticated economic analysis. But in the current crisis, these ideas are falling, one by one, as even conservatives recognize that capitalism is ailing.
You know the talking points: Regulation is the problem and deregulation is the solution. The distribution of income and wealth doesn't matter. Providing incentives for the investors of capital to "grow the pie" is the only policy that counts. Free trade produces well-distributed economic growth, and any dissent from this orthodoxy is "protectionism."

MEGAN: Anyway, Norquist's point is that a bunch of sole proprietorships file under the personal income tax code and thus will see their taxes go up under Obama's plan, but doesn't account for how many people are filing taxes under the personal code instead of the corporate code and thus would switch if the corporate rate was lower, which Obama has proposed lowering.
MEGAN: Wow, Dionne finds conservatives willing to say that boards voting crazy compensation packages for the people who appoint them and pay them might be a market failure?
MOE: It's funny, I had this drink with my old agent yesterday and I went off on this, I'm not quite sure why, and I said something about how the nation's policy makers could have pursued globalization differently and he looked at me like I was — well maybe like he was mulling whether I as stupid as I was inarticulate — and said something like "we don't control globalization" as if globalization was like gravity, which just…uh, may be a common misnomer.
MEGAN: Well, we don't control globalization, but we can control how we implement policies that can effect globalization or the effects of globalization and the only people that don't really seem to understand that are... people whose interests are best served by unfettered globalization.
MOE: Well this is a discussion for another time, but we have now but more importantly, over the past 30 years we, America, the world's largest market by a very long shot and in recent years by a psychotically long shot, have had an inordinate amount of power over how the thing works, and to the extent that our diplomatic interests are our commercial ones, you know.
MEGAN: Our diplomatic interests aren't always our commercial ones? I guess that does explain the depths of our committed engagement in Darfur, Zimbabwe, Burma and Cuba.