The problem arises when three-year-old Jessi begins bath time-grabbing William's six-year-old member. Presumably fearing both antisocial tendencies and a Flowers in the Attic dynamic, Mom is alarmed. Writes Katherine Ozment in Salon,

But knowing William didn't really mind his sister's incursions, I had to come up with a reason for him to stop making himself so readily accessible. I crafted the half-baked explanation that he should discourage her from touching him, or she might start grabbing the penises of all the boys in her preschool class and then she wouldn't have any friends.

While this succeeds in forestalling the grabbing issue - although I'm really surprised it didn't just result in a flurry of 'Whys,' which I'd sort of like to hear the answer to - it prompts a wicked case of penis envy, as the eminently-grabbable appendage begins to loom as forbidden fruit. So mom decided to let the three-year-old in on a secret.

"You, Jessie Joan, have a vagina."

At that she smiled wide and proud, as if shocked by her good fortune, though I don't think she had any idea what I was talking about. But it didn't seem to matter.

The next moment, Jessie walked over to William, put her hands on her hips and, swaying back and forth, sang to the tune of nana-nana-boo-boo: "I have a vagina! I have a vagina!"

While it seems late to learn the term - or isn't "vagina" among every little girl's first words? - this is one of the most heartening distillations ever committed to paper or screen. We applaud this little girl for grasping early the essential pride in her femininity we'd like to see in every baby, girl and woman. May she never lose it! After she, you know, realizes what it means.

Mommy, What's A Vagina? [Salon]

Jesse Bering writes: "If you've ever had a good, long look at the human phallus, whether yours or someone else's, you've probably scratched your head over such a peculiarly shaped device." I don't have one, but the form of a penis doesn't puzzle me at all; isn't it designed to fit inside of a vagina? Isn't that how nature works? Bering's piece is filled with lots of "heh" moments, like "the human penis is actually an impressive 'tool' in the truest sense of the word" and "If one were to examine the penis objectively-please don't do this in a public place or without the other person's permission…" Oh, LOL, dude. Ha.

He also takes special care to note that human penises are not like ape penises:

Having spent the first five years of my academic life studying great ape social cognition, I've seen more simian penises than I care to mention. I once spent a summer with a 450-pound silverback gorilla that was hung like a wasp (great guy, though) and baby-sat a lascivious young orangutan that liked to insert his penis in just about anything with a hole, which unfortunately one day included my ear.

Anyway, here is the ground-breaking information discovered about the shape of the human penis:

Magnetic imaging studies of heterosexual couples having sex reveal that, during coitus, the typical penis completely expands and occupies the vaginal tract, and with full penetration can even reach the woman's cervix and lift her uterus. This combined with the fact that human ejaculate is expelled with great force and considerable distance (up to two feet if not contained), suggests that men are designed to release sperm into the uppermost portion of the vagina possible.

You don't say!

But there's also something called a "semen displacement theory," which likewise relates to how the penis is shaped:

Since sperm cells can survive in a woman's cervical mucus for up to several days, this means that if she has more than one male sexual partner over this period of time, say within 48 hours, then the sperm of these two men are competing for reproductive access to her ovum. According to [researchers] Gallup and Burch, "examples include, group sex, gang rape, promiscuity, prostitution, and resident male insistence on sex in response to suspected infidelity." The authors also cite the well-documented cases of human heteroparity, where "fraternal twins" are in fact sired by two different fathers who had sex with the mother within close succession to each other, as evidence of such sexual inclinations.

So: The penis is "sculpted" in such a way — it has a head, unlike many penises in the animal kingdom — so that it displaces the semen of competitors from the vagina. [Does anyone remember when 'Harper's' magazine used to advertise a 'Penises of the Animal Kingdom" lithograph in its classified ad section? -Ed.]

It sounds crazy, but the theory has been "proved." How did the scientists do that? It the most scientific way possible:

The researchers selected several sets of prosthetic genitals from erotic novelty stores, including a realistic latex vagina sold as a masturbation pal for lonely straight men and tied off at one end to prevent leakage, and three artificial phalluses.

Yeah, but what about the semen?

The authors borrowed a recipe for simulated semen from another evolutionary psychologist, Todd Shackleford from Florida Atlantic University, and created several batches of seminal fluid. The recipe "consisted of .08 cups of sifted, white, unbleached flour mixed with 1.06 cups of water. This mixture was brought to a boil, simmered for 15 minutes while being stirred, and allowed to cool."

Seriously. They cooked jizz. Then the scientists inserted the phalluses into the faux vag at varying depths and measured semen displacement and found that a phallus with a head did a better job than one without. In addition, according to a separate study, "penile behavior" shows that "in the wake of allegations of female cheating, men thrust deeper and faster." To get the other dude's semen out!

Lastly, Bering explains how a woman can get pregnant by a man she never had sex with:

If "Josh" were to have sex with "Kate" who recently had sex with "Mike," in the process of thrusting his penis back and forth in her vagina, some of Mike's semen would be forced under Josh's frenulum… Were Josh to then have sex with "Amy" several hours later, it is possible that some of the displaced semen from Mike would still be present under his foreskin and thus may be unwittingly transmitted to Amy who, in turn, could then be impregnated by Mike's sperm.

Of course, all of these people would need to be obsessed with dick, like Bering, the author of this article, who, by the by, admits that he is gay.

Secrets of the Phallus: Why is The Penis Shaped Like That? [Scientific American]
Related: Grasping The Function Of The Human Penis [Greg Laden's Blog]

ANA MARIE: I don't think I'm going to see "W." It looks like it's TRYING to be funny. And Oliver Stone movies are the most amusing when the humor is completely unintentional.

MEGAN: I believe it is trying to be funny.

ANA MARIE: Chris and I watch "JFK" pretty much every time it's on basic cable. Now THAT is a funny movie. I mean, Joe Pesci in a leotard and fucking Kevin Bacon? Pretending to do amyl nitrate? You don't make that funnier just by saying they're playing Republican political leaders. Because then it's just a documentary.

MEGAN: Joe Pesci in a leotard is basically the nightmare I hadn't yet had, so I'll report back tomorrow on my utter lack of sleep tonight. In my mind's eye, it's purple and there is a tutu involved. And he pirouettes up to a car and proceeds to beat someone with a tire iron.

ANA MARIE: It's actually gold lame and he's (or Kevin Bacon, I forget) is dressed as Hermes. Seriously: one of America's finest cinematic events.

MEGAN: Ok, I'm just going to pretend it is Kevin Bacon. Now that I'm thinking about Kevin Bacon boogeying in a gold lame unitard.

ANA MARIE: Perhaps dancing in a county where DANCING HAS BEEN OUTLAWED? That's probably as good a segue as we're going to get to talking about McCain, btw.

MEGAN: And suddenly, in the movable diorama that it my imagination, the tiny, gold lame unitard clad Kevin Bacon stopped his dancing, and hangs his head with sadness as the old man stumbles out and starts yelling at him to get off his lawn or he's going to nuke it.

ANA MARIE: I was watching "Morning Joe" earlier and they were joking around with Robert Gibbs about something or other and he brought up the "get off my lawn" trope and I thought: That's just really unfair to people who legitimately care about their lawns. McCain's commitment to lawns is just base-pleasing pander. Besides, McCain lives in a condo.

MEGAN: Well, in one of his residences, yes.

ANA MARIE: Also? I think McCain lost Scarborough a long time ago, but the happy-happy jokey-joke with Gibbs was still kind of amazing. Not as amazing, however, as McCain loosing Peggy Noonan. Did you hear about that?

MEGAN: I saw Peggy speak last weekend, but I was very hung over.

ANA MARIE: Yesterday on "Hardball" she said she "doesn't know" who she's going to vote for.

MEGAN: She doesn't like the faux populism, which she considers empty and stupid and not a strategy as much as a pander.

ANA MARIE: And I think she once accidentally threw her baseball into McCain's lawn. (It's very hard to stay away from that joke)

MEGAN: (I'm okay with that.) So, why is McCain so fucking angry this week? Because he's losing? And will he lose it on stage tonight?

ANA MARIE: I don't think he's any angrier this week than in the past. He's just taking more pleasure in it. And as for "losing it"... I guess that's why he can't look at Obama, maybe? It's funny how the right makes fun of the liberal "grievance industry" but, essentially, what McCain is mad about is being treated unfairly. To which I believe the traditional R rejoinder is "Well, life isn't fair."

MEGAN: Well, he understands life isn't fair. He was tortured! Didn't you know he was tortured?

ANA MARIE: I am familiar with the outlines of that story, yes. I can't decide if McCain is going into this debate tonight with ridiculously high expectations or if he's entering Palin territory: like, as long as he doesn't forget what day it is, he'll be fine. This is assuming he knows what day it is to begin with.

MEGAN: Well, it's his format, right? He's Mr. Town Hall, he's going to kill tonight and between that and the torture experiences with which I am sure he will make more Americans more familiar, he will be made President as is only his due because life isn't fair. By the way, are you as familiar with Obama's supposed terrorist leanings and his radical friends and whatnot as with McCain's experience as a tortured and yet still heroic POW? Because if you're not, Fox News has a show for you. It sadly doesn't feature Jerome Corsi who has been unavoidably detained in Kenya for working without a work visa. I know I should be all like "free press! free press!" but it made me just a teensy bit pleased in a way I don't like to admit.

ANA MARIE: My favorite thing about the Corsi story is the quote from the Kenyan official, who basically admits they arrested him because, you know, he's an asshole. And,

"We still haven't decided what to do with him."

I kind of feel the same way!

MEGAN: If being an asshole is illegal in Kenya, I guess we know where John McCain won't be visiting...

ANA MARIE: Or either of us, for that matter. Were you shocked to learn about that "new poll of 600 female voters found that most view Hillary Clinton as a better mom, role model and leader than Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, the first woman to be named to a Republican ticket"? Because I sure was! I mean, for Palin to come in second... if it were fair, she'd come in behind "a comfy chair" in all those categories.

MEGAN: Actually, I think the right word my be "flabbergasted." You mean, Americans aren't buying her shtick? I feel like I might have underestimated Americans. I mean, except the ones calling Obama a terrorist at McCain rallies and threatening to kill him at Palin rallies.

ANA MARIE: Yeah, that does not reflect well on the Silent Majority, does it? Or rather, it explains why they are usually asked to stay silent.

MEGAN: Well, and the Palin supporter who told an African-American sound guy to "sit down, boy" at the Palin rally. I thought we had all agreed that it was unacceptable to be an open racist in modern American society? Wasn't there a consensus or a referendum or something?

ANA MARIE: Good thing that black people at Palin rallies are pretty rare!

MEGAN: Hell, I'd make myself scarcer than a condom in the Palin house were I African-American at one of those.

ANA MARIE: And as for that referendum, I believe that's scheduled for the first Tuesday of November.

MEGAN: I'm just going to go waaaaaaaay out on a limb here and suggest that racism will still exist in this country even if Obama gets elected.

ANA MARIE: But it no longer will be the first thing other countries think of when we come up.

MEGAN: That said, where would racists threaten go to avoid an Obama Presidency? Liberals are all, like, going to Canada or France, but it seems like racists hate everyone else.

ANA MARIE: Iceland is apparently in a real financial crisis right now, so a loose coalition of rich racists could probably pick it up cheap. And you don't get countries much whiter.

MEGAN: I don't think that there are enough dirty hooker toes in Iceland for Dick Morris, though.

ANA MARIE: And with that advice, I feel like my dream of ridding the country of racists is one step closer to reality.

MEGAN: We're sorry Iceland! You guys can come here, there might be a lot of space available. And, um, bring the Penis Museum for safekeeping.

ANA MARIE: Aye. Dick Morris. Why is he still appearing in public? Besides being the George Michael of toe-sucking jokes, why do I know ANYTHING MORE ABOUT HIM besides that? Who can I blame?

MEGAN: Have you seen his teeth recently? He's rather obviously still at it.

ANA MARIE: Never has a sexual fetish seemed more poetically appropriate, really. It'd be like finding out that Todd Palin likes to cross-dress. Almost too perfect.

MEGAN: See, I think cross-dressing would be too vanilla for Todd Palin. He's more like mint chocolate chip, you have to throw in a little pegging or something to make it work.

ANA MARIE: Cross dressing and dungeons.

MEGAN: I bet Sarah Palin has been wondering for a while why her nice underwear keeps getting all stretched out.

ANA MARIE: Oh, oh, oh: This is teh awesome. That awful American Carol movie? Apparently it is tanking because of a liberal conspiracy! Not because it sucks ass (or toes).

MEGAN: And not because it sucks? Also, since when to theatre owners have a political agenda that doesn't involve making money?

ANA MARIE: That's what happened with Ishtar, too, right?

MEGAN: Fucking radical commie theatre owners, trying to keep conservative movies down and out. You know they're just doing it to make sure W. does better, which it will and not just because it has, like, recognizable actors and a famous director and shit.

ANA MARIE: Well, theater-owners bias toward experimental liberal films is well-documented. And that why the megaplex down the street has five screens showing Reds.

MEGAN: It's like you think you're going to see the Batman movie and SHAZAM!! you're being indoctrinated again.

ANA MARIE: And the Koyaanisqatsi midnight showing. It's like Rocky Horror Picture Show but with people dressed as mountains.

MEGAN: And throwing glitter for snow. Unlike Rocky, though, it totally ends in a plushie orgy. Because that's what radicalized Commies do. It's why they never really succeeded — too busy fucking to fuck shit up.

ANA MARIE: And then everyone gets quiet for the five minute shot of a plane taking off. (Which is an actual scene in the movie. And, fwiw, I'm sure it does get Todd Palin hard.)

MEGAN: But, really, what doesn't get Todd Palin hard? I'm sure even Joe Pesci in a leotard and tutu holding a tire iron would do it.

Note that Sexactivator is marketed as a product for men to turn on "your woman" — suggesting that a guy slip weird pheromone shit into a stranger's drink is apparently a sleaze-bridge too far. Still, it's hard in a not to assume that some men will use this at bars or parties with women they don't know. Especially when it's touted next to Mate Magnet Cologne. After all, "using pheromones have been proven the most gorgeous women will desire to have you immediately." (Also, using grammar.)

The sad thing about these products in general (and yes, there is a sad thing, among many scary and enraging things) is that they bank on the idea that men need products to artificially induce women to like them. This implies not only that women deserve to have their autonomy subverted by chemical agents, but also that men are not enough on their own. Mate Magnet and Sexactivator are sort of like men's versions of wrinkle creams and fat-burning supplements — the opposite sex does not like you as you are, advertisers shout, but they will love you with this snake oil!

Men's Fitness [Official Site]

• A journal for plastic surgery says that 98% of women who have breast reconstruction after an elective mastectomy are satisfied with their surgery. • Children conceived with a sperm donor should be told at age four about their origins to lighten anger and shock at their parents. • A Romanian court ordered that a surgeon pay a 33-year-old patient whose penis he had accidently severed during an operation $795,000. Yeah, that is a big "uh oh." • More Penii!: A Portuguese couple continue a tradition of manufacturing 2-foot penis-shaped ceramic bottles that is said to have dated back to the 19th century. • A baby's smile can create a "natural high" in the brains of mommies. • A South African woman with a "soft heart for animals and a tart tongue for most everyone else" runs an animal shelter in Abu Dhabi. • The General Synod, the governing body of the Church of England, is set to debate over the issue of appointing female bishops, sparking a debate between traditionalists and progressive members of the Church. • Swiss researchers suggest that same-sex transplants should be performed after they found an 8% chance of rejection when a male kidney was given to a woman. • The Monday after a three-day weekend always sucks, so here is a cute video of a bunny opening up an envelope with his own paper-nomming!

Related: Full size female advertisement [Coloribus]
Full size male advertisement [Coloribus]