Ladies and gents, there is no "best time of your life." It ebbs and flows, and the people at Clairol are full of crap.

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I am twice as old as 25 and happier than I've ever been in my life.

I know what's important.

I don't care what people I don't care about think of me or what I do.

I am healthy.

I am financially secure (as much as one can be in a profession that pays crap).

When I was in my mid-forties I said to my mother "I wish I'd know how hot I was when I was in my twenties." And her wise response was, "Try to understand and remember that you'll feel that way about yourself at every age. You'll wish you appreciated what it was you had when you had it."

I'm just now beginning to really take her advice.

She's 75 and she and my aunt are talking off for Key West in a week. Thelma and Louise in a Civic.

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In a perfect world of pristine journalism there would be no need to fill off-editions of paper sections with pre-paid drivel like this (but I know media buys are down again this year and editors got kids to feed, too).

Let me guess, there was a coupon for Clairol attached too.

I mean, listen to the way this huge multinational brand is talking to us:"Reaching and surpassing your twenties no longer triggers the downward spiral of your looks and self-confidence."

They're creating a downward spiral, naming it and then miraculously eradicating it all in one fell PR swoop!

Why do we have to pin down any age as our best?

Don't we have terrible times and good in every year?

Can't we be in better shape when we're 30 than when we were undernourished and skinny at 18?

Why do we as consumers continue to let advertisers drive those stakes in the ground for us? I'm an adult, I'll make my own bests, thanks.

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My body did not reach peak hotness until my late 30`s when I started training and developed the physique I always wanted.

My hair did not reach peak hotness until my early 40`s, when I finally understood my thyroid issues and took meds and it grew long, thick and shiny.

And my skin did not reach peak creaminess until recently, when my rosacea went into remission.

So again, to Clairol, and all the parroting post-Frat douches who cannot think for themselves (and yet who continually hit on me in bars, clubs, gyms, restaurants although I am old enough to be their mother), a big fat thanks-for-perpetuating-old-skool-misogyny-sterotypes fuck you and your boxed dye.

So to answer your question, `Does she or doesn`t she?` I will say, `No, she doesn`t buy your products anymore after this.`

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I just turned 28 two weeks ago. I can't wait for the awesomeness to set in.

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Then 33 might officially be my scary age.

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