As a little kid, Paula's the kind of girl who wants to play "school" — with real assignments and assigned seating. It's annoying, but you do it because her house has really good snacks. In high school, she's that one girl who throws actual dinner parties, where you're supposed to dress up. She won't host the after-prom party — she's not really that cool — but she might have everyone over beforehand to take pictures and eat little cheese sticks. Later, she'll grow up into the kind of mom who's always coming in while your friends are watching a movie to serve some nut balls that she just made — or some equally embarrassing treat. You love her, of course, but sometimes she does slightly off-the-wall things, like knitting the dog a sweater that goes on the back half instead of the front, or slipping a handful of paper clips into your lunchbox.

I think my perception that Paula is a mom name comes from its dwindling popularity — it was riding high in the fifties and sixties, never dipping below #54 nationwide, but by the eighties it had dropped precipitously to #236, and now it languishes at #681. So while a few little Paulas were born last year, Paula's still more likely to be a baby boomer than a baby. And judging by famous Paulas, she's likely to be a little odd.

Paula Deen seems like the kind of mom everybody loves — she makes fried Twinkies, after all. But I can kind of see her getting carried away and frying up, say, some Chex Mix or a Ziploc bag. Paula Jones has two kids, who may or may not be embarrassed about her boxing match with Tonya Harding. Comic Paula Poundstone's mom issues actually crossed the line into downright disturbing, but she's apparently incorporated her child endangerment arrest into her act, so she seems to have come to terms with it. And of course, the premier Paula is Paula Abdul, the woman Rosie O'Donnell once called "erratic." Abdul has struggled with eating disorders and painkillers in the past, and so her antics always carry a worrisome edge. Still, it's hard not to have affection for someone who once broke her nose trying to "avoid tripping over her pet chihuahua." I bet that chihuahua was rocking a back-half sweater.

According to an oddly specific survey by a British vodka maker, office workers think people named Sarah, Becky and Emma are the biggest "Christmas party girls." Paula might not be the one drunkenly making out under the mistletoe (although, actually, does anyone do this? Outside of a commercial, I mean). However, she probably does throw a mean Christmas party — as long as you stay away from the nut balls.

Paula [Baby Name Wizards]
Brits: Sarah, Chris Wildest Party Names [UPI.com]
Paula [Wikipedia]

Earlier: O Is For Olivia: Precocious, Passionate, & Up For A Lesbian Cruise
N Is For Natasha, A Femme Fatale
M Is For Michelle, An Elegant Mystery
L Is For Lisa, Whose Looks Are Deceiving
K Is For Kate, Who Kicks Ass, Takes Names
J Is For Jennifer, The Vanilla Of Names
I Is For Isabel, Who's Snooty, But Earns It
H Is For Hillary, A Barrel Of Laughs
G Is For Grace - What's That Up Her Sleeve?
F Is For Francesca, And I Wish I Were Her
E Is For Emily, Who Seems Sweet (At First)
D Is For Danielle (Or Dani, Who's Apparently Kinda Judgey)
C Is For Courtney, Who's Too Cool For School
B is for Beth (And Barack! And Bandana!)
A Is For Anna: What My First Name Says About Me

• Timbaland recorded a song with Chris Brown for his upcoming album, but now he's removed Chris' vocals from the track. Timbaland's manager says it's a "creative decision for both parties," but sources say he's done with the "drama" surrounding Chris.

• Timbaland's manager added, "There's nothing against Chris. We love Chris." Coincidentally, Timbaland's album will be released on December 8, the same day as Chris'. [TMZ]
• In May Chris Brown was sued by a paparazzo who claims he fell down a staircase at an L.A. Fitness after being chased by his bodyguards. Now Chris has filed papers saying he's not responsible for the injuries because LA Fitness didn't keep the paparazzi out.TMZ]
• Someone threw a packaged ham at Paula Deen at a charity event in Atlanta. It smacked her in the face, but she wasn't injured. [TMZ]
• Her rep says she was "startled at first, but quickly regained focus and kept her humor... She's okay now and is icing her face." [Us]
• ABC received about 1,500 complaints about Adam Lambert's performance at the AMAs last night, which included a dancer on a leash, simulated oral sex, and Lambert kissing another man. ABC said that isn't an unusual number of complaints, and the executives probably don't care because it was the highest rated AMAs since 2002. [USA Today]
• Jennifer Lopez joked about tripping at the AMAs, saying, "Did I trip a little bit? I don't even remember... Yeah, I meant to do that. That was part of the choreography." [People]
• Roman Polanski's lawyers are fighting amongst themselves. Last week, his French lawyer said, "he will not accept being extradited to the United States," but his L.A. lawyers just issued a statement saying, "Any statements made in the press to the effect that Mr. Polanski will not accept lawful orders of the courts, including relating to extradition, are not true." [Daily Express]
• In response to Perez Hilton writing: "It's been one year since Asslee pushed Bronx Mowgli through her vayjayjay and it's all the family is talking about!" Jessica Simpson Tweeted: "Does perez hilton..whatever his name really is..have no heart at all? Don't ever attack my family again.Sad to know u hate so deeply.Sad 4 U" [Us]
• Jon Gosselin's former lawyer Charles Meyer, who withdrew from his divorce case in September, has filed an emergency petition asking that the $43,000 Jon owes him be taken out of Jon's share of the property distribution before it's handed out to Jon. [TMZ]
• Dr. Conrad Murray returned to work today at his Houston clinic for the first time since Michael Jackson's death. [AP]
• The Texas Medical Board is now conducting their own investigation of Dr. Conrad Murray, which was triggered by the ongoing DEA investigation of the doctor. [TMZ]
• Alexandra Forbes Kerry, Senator John Kerry's daughter, won't be prosecuted for DUI because when she was stopped last week, she was under the legal limit. [TMZ]
• A jury found Barry Carpenter, the Ohio police chief accused of breaking into the home of Sarah Jessica Parker's surrogate, guilty of receiving stolen property, theft in office and tampering with evidence. He was acquitted on charges of burglary and unauthorized used of property or services. He faces up to 10 years in jail. [AP]
• Michael Barrett, the man accused of secretly filming Erin Andrews in hotel rooms, has pled not guilty to one count of interstate stalking. [Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt gave more than $6 million to charity last year, doubling what they gave in 2007. [Showbiz 411]
• Today on her show, Martha Stewart said there are "some comments that are circulating on the Internet regarding me and Rachael Ray" but, "just for the record there are no bad feelings between us nor have there ever been... I truly believe that Rachael has done a terrific job bringing people, many people who would of never of even stepped into the kitchen or made a dish to cook. I applaud Rachel for her enthusiastic approach to cooking." [CNN]
• In a clip from tomorrow's episode of The Hills, Spencer Pratt says he took Heidi Montag to a sushi restaurant "for a little alcohol test" because he thinks she has purposely ditched her birth control pills, and that's the easiest way to tell if your wife's pregnant. [Us]
• Someone at the L.A. Times read and summarized How to be Famous by Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, so you wouldn't have to: [L.A.T.]
• Candy Spelling has settled with the ex-maid who was suing her for overworking her. A Spelling source says the maid didn't get much, but "Maybe in maid money it's a lot." [TMZ]
• When asked about his relationship with Kate Hudson, A-Rod said, "Life is good I'm happy. We're happy, I have lots to be grateful for." [Radar Online]
• Keith Urban says he hopes his daughter Sunday Rose grows up to be a singer. "She's got some pipes," he says. "I think she sounds quite musical. I sit at the piano with her in the morning and we mash the keys together." [Us]
• Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson spent the weekend frolicking in New York. They went to a few bars, were spotted making out, and finished the weekend at Megu last last night. "They were with two friends and looked very cozy," says a source. "Both were having a great time." [People]
• Zac Efron says:"My first audition ever was for this Peter Pan live action show when I was 15 and I'd just done the play Peter Pan so I thought 'who could be better'. I showed up and it was on tape in this tiny room. On stage you speak to the back of the room and you project and Peter Pan is very animated and jumping off things and going crazy so that's what I did in the audition, running around and jumping off my chair, singing the lines. This woman interrupted me and goes 'you've never done this before have you?' and I went 'no' and she went 'okay you can go' and that was the worst audition ever, ever in my life. I kind of wept about that one." People]
• Here's Chippendales dancer Nathan Minor's critique of Levi Johnston's Playgirl photos: "The only problem — his hairy armpits! We take only mostly shaved guys. He should also focus on his diet to help him get a bit harder. He doesn't have to go the fitness-y hard look, but he could tighten up a little bit. His body is a little soft. But he has good hair and a great face. He's definitely Chippendales material. Anytime he wants to do the show, he's more than welcome!" [Us]
• Q: "In light of your song 'Baby By Me,' if you could pick a celebrity to be your 'baby mama,' who would it be? 50 Cent: "That would probably be an easier question for someone who isn't a celebrity. I don't know. Maybe I'd have an interracial relationship with Megan Fox... I'll get me some Jada and walk around like I'm Will (laughs). Maybe, who else? I'm not really excited by celebrity because I'm a celebrity. People who have a little bit more normalcy can't understand exactly what it is, but you get accustomed to it and it becomes less interesting." [AP]

• Alexsandra Wright, who is 6-months pregnant, has filed a paternity case alleging that Beyonce's dad, Mathew Knowles, is the father of her child. He has been married to Tina Knowles since 1980. [TMZ]

• Madonna told Ryan Seacrest on his radio show that she didn't notice him in the front row at one of her concerts because, "I was getting super-sharp looks from J.Lo. Her ponytail distracted me... Whenever artists come to see my show, they're studying me." [Us]
• California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger rejected the suggestion that he could pardon Roman Polanski if he's returned to the United States, saying, "It doesn't matter if you are a big-time movie actor or a big-time movie director or producer... I think that he is a very respected person, and I am a big admirer of his work. But nevertheless, I think he should be treated like everyone else." [People]
• Christoph Blocher, a former Swiss justice minister, says it would have been more fair and legal if authorities had warned Roman Polanski that he would be arrested if he entered the country. "You don't invite someone when you know he's going to be arrested," he said. "You simply don't do that." [AP]
• Last night Larry King asked Jon Gosselin how much money he was paid by TLC last year and he said "no" before explaining that the "Gosselin family" made about $1 million, half went to taxes, and the rest was divided 10 ways. Video here: [TMZ]
• A judge has increased the powers of the two men administering Michael Jackson's estate, attorney John Branca and music executive John McClain, so they can deal with the numerous creditors claims against the estate. [AP]
• Angelina Jolie met with Iraqi refugees in Syria today as part of her duties as a U.N. goodwill ambassador. "Most Iraqi refugees cannot return to Iraq in view of the severe trauma they experienced there, the uncertainty linked to the coming Iraqi elections, the security issues and the lack of basic services," said Jolie. "They will, therefore, be in need of continued support from the international community." [AP]
• Lady Gaga's choreographer Laurieann Gibson Tweeted that GaGa's tour with Kanye West was called off due to "creative differences." She didn't elaborate, but confirmed that Lady GaGa will go on her own tour. [Perez Hilton]
• Disappointing women everywhere, Russell Brand and Katy Perry hit it off at the VMAs and they spent the past week on vacation together in Thailand. [Perez Hilton]
• News sources say the package Robert Halderman gave David Letterman reportedly contained copies of parts of Letterman's former assistant's diary and personal correspondence. [People]
• Halderman has two ex wives and pays one of them about $6,000 a month in child and spousal support and $13,500 of their credit card debt. He also pays his children's medical bills and could be ordered to pay for their college education. The kids are 11 and 18. [TMZ]
• At his arraignment today Halderman pled not guilty to the felony charge of attempted grand larceny in the first degree. The D.A. said his bail should be set at $500,000 because his actions were ones of "desperation" and are "alarming and dangerous" but the judge set his bail at $200,000. [TMZ]
• Halderman's friends and co-workers at CBS were shocked by the news that he was behind the extortion plot. "Joe's a friendly, boisterous, slap-you-on-the-back kind of guy," said a former colleague. "Sort of a Vince Vaughn type, but more serious and not goofy. A guy's guy. Someone you want to have a beer with." [N.Y. Observer]
• People are angry that the audience kept laughing as David Letterman discussed the sex/extortion scandal last night, but they may have just thought it was a comedy routine. Sources on the show say no one but the producers knew what Dave was going to do so the audience got the same warm up as usual, which emphasizes laughing and applauding often and loudly. [Yahoo]
• Kim Kardashian, who was on the show after David Letterman's revelation, said, "Letterman was great. I always love doing his show – and I always have a good time with him, it was great!" [People]
• Apple and Eminem's music publisher have settled a lawsuit over the digital download rights to his songs. The terms of the deal weren't made public. [AP]
• Clark Gable's granddaughter, Kayley Gable, was taken to the hospital on Wednesday night after she was found unconscious in her home. She left after a few hours and said she just had a panic attack. [TMZ]
• Comedian Paul Rodriguez is in ICU right now with severe abdominal pains but doctors don't know what's wrong with him. [TMZ]
• Consumer Product Safety Commission is recalling Paula Deen's cast iron cookware due to burn and laceration hazards. The pans were imported from China and sold on QVC. There have been 79 reports of the cookware cracking and shattering when heated. [UPI]
• Snoop Dogg had a necklace with a bullet-shaped pendant confiscated while going through airport security in Beirut. The bullet actually had an anti-war message: the diamond-studded bullet is from the charity Bullets 4 Peace, which turns bullet casings into jewelry. Snoop has already ordered a replacement. [Ok]
• Warner Bros. is developing a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory musical. Sam Mendes may direct. [Entertainment Weekly]
• "Paris Ditches Doug for the Night" ... or just managed to attend a party hosted by her sister Nicky Hilton to benefit the Step Up Women's network without her boyfriend glued to her side. [E!]
• In the new issue of Cosmopolitan Kim Kardashian says that some people think she's "famous for all the wrong reasons" but "I'm an entrepreneur...'ambitious' is my middle name." [People]

1.) "Have you seen Latoya?" has never sounded so creepy, or incriminating.

2.) Paula Deen visited the Today show, refused to leave, spread her legs, and grabbed two fistfuls of her vagina. The clip is rather long, but worth every second.

3.) The Real Housewives of New Jersey appeared on The View on Friday. Jacqueline, who discussed her difficulty with fertility on the show this past week, is now pregnant, and due June 11.



Unfortunately my two faves, Danielle and Teresa were not present. Teresa, it turns out, is also with child.

4.) Are your kittens still alive?

5.) More traumatizing than dead kittens: Judge Judy has never been a feminist.



But the thing is, her definition of why she's not a feminist is actually very feminist. So, like Mormon people who baptize the dead, I will anoint Judge Judy as a feminist, and get on with my life already.

6.) Oh, and if you ever need to read her mind, just read the captions on Larry King Live.

7.) Technology is destroying families, and making fathers sad.

8.) George Hamilton gave Bridget a lesson on the cultural history of Miami. Then they bonded about tanning.

9.) Sometimes I feel exactly like this:

10.) UGH! Maya Angelou, don't give her any ideas!

[New York, October 9. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

Conventional wisdom holds that women's magazines aren't as good as men's magazines. That would be correct. Because where the general sin of men's magazines is going overboard — overthinking, overreaching, overwriting, women spend more money on stupid crap so their magazines don't have to win any prestigious awards to justify their existences as anything other than mindless profiligography! Anyway, that's why we like to solicit the advice of manly men's magazine male writer Tom Wolfian (not a real name!) to critique the ladymags for us. He's very busy and very important!

Dear Allison, Jonathan, Johanna, Carole, and Sherry:

No sleep last night for Mister Wolfian. So beware, gynoscribes. I'm pissy. It's the fault of my headstrong tabby cat, Mister Langewiesche. Little fucker spent the entire night digging mites out of his ears, raining little brown clumps of ear gunk onto my nice clean 600-thread count sheets. Seems impossible that that my midtown condo, luxury-constructed at $5 a word, could be so thoroughly soiled by a dirty kitty — but live and learn, gynoscribes, live and learn. So forgive me if I woke up to my assignment from the Jezebelles — a thoughtful, measured, articulate review of the celebrity profiles in the November issues of some major women's magazines, edging toward a general theory of the State of the Ladies' Magazine Celebrity Profile Today — and couldn't get past the description of Ashley Judd as an "actress, southerner, and infectious romantic" without thinking... infectious romantic. Whore with herpes.

Maybe it's me? (And nothing against herpes!!!!)

But I'm in a mood. I want to be nice. But I am not up to it today. So I'm dropping the whole premise of articulate thoughtful whatever in favor of telling you what I really think, because that's how real men talk about other men's stories in editorial meetings as long as the man who wrote the story isn't actually in the room. And the truth is, gynoscribes, it feels kind of good to be mean. It feels like revenge. A cleansing, radiant revenge. Because I have just read every one of your profiles from beginning to end. With the joyless, mercenary dedication of a child soldier. Perhaps one of the very same child soldiers whom so many of your celebrity subjects are now dedicated to helping. And you know what they say about war, ladies.

(It's no worse than learning the profession you love is shared by someone who would actually pose this "question" to Mariah Carey: ""When I read in the New Yorker than you hit one of the highest notes produced by a human voice that's ever been recorded, I got a chill and it almost made me believe in magic... So you're a diva and a genie!")

So to proceed, here is what I gleaned from each of your profiles, in 100 words or less:

"Ashley Judd's Love Trip" by Allison Glock, Redbook, p. 150
Ashley sad. Insecure. Angry all the time. Who knows why? Not Ashley. Then Ashley marry race-car driver. Ashley happy. Yet still sad. Ashley do drugs. Or something. Depression, rehab. Then Ashley find God in the poor. Ashley go on what she call "feel your feelings tour" of India. The poor "is my church." Clotheswise, Ashley like "ruching. I love a little ruffle." Ashley surprisingly grounded for a celebrity!
POSSIBLY RELEVANT TOPICS NOT BROACHED: "Heat." "Frida." "Natural Born Killers." Experiences re: any interesting movie she's ever filmed. Kissing prowess of Ensign Wesley Crusher.

"Dark Victory" by Jonathan Van Meter, Vogue, p. 327
Celebrity Profiled: Jennifer Connelly
Jennifer Connelly is a smart girl who lives a low-key life in Park Slope. "Nothing too scandalous." (What's scandalous is that $3.7 million actually isn't scandalous in this idiotic town, though I should admit I'm cheating here; Vogue doesn't tell us the sale price, so I had to use Google). Despite this, she and her actor husband "blend in with all the other young families in the neighborhood." Jennifer is, like, really, really smart. And surprisingly grounded for a celebrity!
POSSIBLY RELEVANT TOPICS NOT BROACHED: Anorexia. That sex scene in "Requiem for a Dream." David Bowie; Muppets; man-tights; what it's like to act in a movie with David Bowie wearing man-tights with Muppets.

"What's Up, Doc?" by Johanna Schneller, Marie Claire, p. 129
Celebrity Profiled: Kate Walsh, star of "Private Practice"
" 'I do feel I'm here to love, and to keep being curious, to better myself and give back to the world. That's the magical thing that happened with Grey's [Anatomy] — it was a cultural contribution. It sparked conversations, particularly for women. That's a great feeling. Rather than just, How to keep your butt firmer.' Walsh laughs again. BTW, her butt is just fine."
POSSIBLY RELEVANT TOPICS NOT BROACHED: Conversation-sparking potential of Kate's new show, particularly the scene where she dances naked on the deck of her new house and gets spotted by her hunky new doctor-colleague. 150-250-word elaboration on "just fine."

"Come On In! It's Mariah's House" by Carole Radziwill, Glamour, p. 266
Celebrity Profiled: Mariah Carey
Marriage to Tommy Mottola. Divorce. "Exhaustion." Perfume. "America: A Tribute to Heroes." Mariah is surprisingly grounded for a celebrity!
POSSIBLY RELEVANT TOPICS NOT BROACHED: Marriage to Tommy Mottola. Divorce. "Exhaustion." Psychic salience of creepy overabundance of pink Hello Kitty products in the home Mariah calls "Sing Sing."

"Thanksgiving Is My Favorite Holiday" by Sherry Suib Cohen, Ladies' Home Journal, p. 199
Celebrity Profiled: Food Network hostess Paula Deen
Paula Bubba Dawn Bubba Peggy Otis Cody Bodine walkin' laughin' say grace cook kook kooky damn fine instructions for fryin' a turkey plus poker catfish Uncle Bernie Aunt Glennis Aunt Beth Bubba macaroni ham mayonnaise GET OFFA THAT DAMN PHONE spatula gallonjug fame money fleeting not like family family never fades away Paula surprisingly grounded for a celebrity!
POSSIBLY RELEVANT TOPICS NOT BROACHED: n/a

In a way, gynoscribes, what I'm doing here isn't fair. You're the easiest of easy targets; you're writing the most vapid copy in magazines we all know are pretty vapid to begin with. But there is, in fact, a larger idea behind all this bile, even if it's taken me 600 words to get that idea to bubble up through the hot, acrid smell of Belarussian-refugee perfume and Revolution-brand feline pest drops that is now commingling in my aforementioned sweet-ass condo. And that idea is that even in the world of celebrity profiling — a world that's pretty fairly corrupted on both sides of the gendered magazine divide — there are useful lessons that Vogue and Redbook and Glamour et. al. can learn from Esquire, GQ, Details and the like. Because just trust me... you'll never find anything in GQ as artless as some of the paragraphs I came across in your pieces this morning. Here's one that stuck in my side like a rusty lawn dart:

When I mention to Connelly that I thought her character was probably more like her than not [her character in "Reservation Road" being a grieving mother whose 10-year-old son has been killed by a hit-and-run driver], she tilts her head and says, "Um. I don't know. I didn't really think about her in that way." When I tell her that I meant that her character seems like a stable person in a good marriage with wonderful children, she laughs. "Thank you!" She shifts in her chair and then acknowledges the similarities. "Yes," she says, "I think she is quite rational and clear. She winds up being incredibly resourceful in this situation... She has incredible reserves of strength. And I think she has an almost defining love for her children, which I think I have in common with her. She's completely in awe of her kids."

See, there's no reason for any celeb-profile writer to look this dense in print. Really, there's no reason to try to do the job on its own terms. It's a sucker's game, as we all know. There's no way to write a fleshy, revealing piece about a celeb when all you get is a lunch and some kind of follow-up call or off-the-record "hangout" time moderated by some chick with suspiciously straight hair and a hunted look who doesn't know a sentence that's not: "Did you get what you need? Do you need anything? Here's my card if you need anything!!!!"

This is the cold, hard truth that successful celeb-profile writers at men's magazines have long since realized and run with. And because they've learned how to treat the job with disdain, they've been able to cast off those chains, gynoscribes. They're free. And they're writing more interesting stories because of it. The traditional critique of the genre tends to paint the profile writers as fawning sycophants, but in my (vast, hard-won, gimlet-eyed) experience that's not true. The apparent sycophancy is just a cover for a deeper trait and a deeper goal, which is a happy and useful one: to keep the writer's brain engaged. The modern mensmag celeb profile is actually a surprisingly prayerful, if superficial, blend of braggadocio and dogged practice. Unlike the celeb profiles in women's magazines, the profiles in Esquire/GQ/Details tend to recognize celebrity as a fundamentally alien thing, an institution to be marveled at and toyed with. The work of writing about celebrity is not real work. It's a break from the real work. It is The Writer's Time To Jizz — a way to keep that writerly muscle loose and limber and tuned up for the next Big Plunge... for that 14,000-word hillock of ASME-judge porn that all of us contract heroes have got sitting on our laptops. (Many of which, if we're being truthful, are nowhere near as playful or, in a weird way, honest as our best celeb pieces.) This is why you're way more likely to see something really formally or thematically inventive in a celeb profile than in a respectable magazine feature about politics or business or art or whatever. There's nothing to lose. So each celeb profile becomes a little underdog story, an uplifting tale of a ragtag writer saddled with a task that Nobody Thought He Could Ever Pull Off: Can he spin a few hours' worth of smalltalk and smiles into a revolution?

Sometimes, gynoscribes, he can:

This is a 9/11 story. Granted, it's also a celebrity profile — well, a profile of Angelina Jolie — and so calling it a 9/11 story may sound like a stretch. But that's the point. It's a 9/11 story because it's a celebrity profile — because celebrities and their perceived power are a big part of the strange story of how America responded to the attacks upon it. And no celebrity plays a bigger role in that strange story than Angelina Jolie.

This Esquire piece — and there's no more fruitful place to look for this stuff than Esquire — is essentially a mental exercise, the reification of a writer's private dare to himself; the important action here is all happening in the writer's (Tom Junod's) head, which is what makes it such a perfect document of this particular strain of writer-hero ambition, such a perfect jarring crashing clanging smashing collision of high and low, of material and purpose, task and talent. It's like watching Garry Kasparov play tic-tac-toe. Which is of course the whole point... to show your readers how valiantly you're chafing against the strictures of your impossible assignment while simultaneously transcending those strictures WITH MERE WORDS:

CUT TO:
EXT. HOTEL COURTYARD
CHARLIZE [THERON] pinches her eye shut against a waft of smoke.
CHARLIZE
What choice do I have? I can't go anywhere. Not if we want to talk. This is L.A. I mean, if you can find me some taco place, a place where we can go, sit around, drink beers, argue politics, and be left alone, then take me there. I'll go with you. I'm yours. Those places don't exist for me. There aren't any little joints for me. The screen FREEZES. The background fades, the moment at the Chateau [Marmont] untiles itself in some fashion and is replaced, retiled, and patched in all around CHARLIZE and the WRITER, who are suddenly sitting across from each other at an empty taco joint, another place of the writer's contrivance, this one grittier in detail than the lake, glowingly lit by the late afternoon sun. CHARLIZE and the WRITER are in the middle of something, something like an argument, something like a hashing out between friends. The place is the WRITER's daydream, but the conversation is real.
CHARLIZE
So what do you think will happen with Roe v. Wade?
WRITER
I'm the writer. I ask the questions.
CHARLIZE
Just tell me. Just say it.

The WRITER here is Tom Chiarella, a facile writer whose profile of Charlize Theron complains that nobody will ever read it because they'll be too busy looking at the pictures. The piece is very weird and very smooth. It's a pastiche of fiction and meta-criticism (several of the scenes are phone calls between the WRITER and his EDITOR about the terribleness of the Chateau Marmont as an interview location) and calculated banality. And gynoscribes, it manages to do something that none of your pieces accomplish, which is to make both the subject and the author seem like decent and halfway intelligent human beings who basically know what the deal is, this absurd magazine-profile deal, and are trying to find an honorable way to come out of it with at least as much self-respect — and certainly more money/exposure — as they had when they came in.

The downside of all this fierce invention is that, as with other forms of self-pleasure, it tends to have diminishing returns. In fact, the only place left to go may be... straight-up fiction.

That's all I've got for ya, gynoscribes. The ear gunk is still flying, and I have to get Weeshie back to the vet.

-Wolfian