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douche du jour
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paul janka
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douche du jour
the week that was
This Week We Loved Our Moms, Our Undies, Ourselves
- We agreed we would lie to our kids about our debauched pasts. There will be fewer than eighteen of them, trust.
- You could do a lot of debaucherous damage with these crazy underoos from the International Male folks.
- We didn't just talk about International Males, we discussed international and race relations, and vowed to try harder.
- We also gave some real talk about sex writing.
- More real talk: forgetting there's a tampon in your twat.
audience amusements
LOLAudience: Paul Janka & John Fitzgerald Page On Dr. Phil
Yesterday, two notable specimens of boy-foe material, Paul Janka and John Fitzgerald Page, appeared on Dr. Phil to let talk about their big egos in front of a female-only audience. The audience reactions were so priceless — lots of disgust and appalled laughter — that today, one of you asked us to give the images the LOL treatment, an "offer" we couldn't refuse. The results, after the jump. More »
clips
Paul Janka, John Fitzgerald Page Try To Out-Douche Each Other On Dr. Phil
"Casanova Caveman" Paul Janka and "The Worst Person in the World" John Fitzgerald Page both appeared on Dr. Phil today for a show about men with huge egos. I, for one, would be shocked if either of these 'bags get laid anytime soon — if ever again — because they just let millions of women know just what giant tools they are. Here's the thing: It's not necessarily bad that Janka just wants to get laid, or that Page wants to date a "certain caliber" of women. It's the way they go about it that sucks. Dr. Phil caught Page — a man who complains about the lack of honesty women exhibit in online dating — in a lie about his age. And Janka's whole being is a huge front. The fact that he views sexual relationships as a game, in which he wins (which I guess makes the women he sleeps with the losers?), is insulting. Plus, he admits to eating Clif bars for "player power." Clip above, and after the jump, some priceless audience reaction shots. More »
clips
Coming Up On Dr. Phil: Paul Janka, Caveman Casanova
Dr. Phil has been running commercials for all-new, jaw-dropping episodes coming up in May, and guess who is among the guests? Paul Janka. In a brief 30-second spot, we learn that, while in the Dr. Phil studio, he hit on the show's staff, and that he continues to embrace his inner Neanderthal. "I invoke the idea of a caveman. I take charge and the women like it," he says. Ha! What a douche! After the jump, check out the audience's reactions to his ridiculousness. More »
the week that was
This Week We Dealt With A Load Of Crap
- Slut Machine took one for the team and Intern Betty filmed her getting a colonic. Crappy hour indeed.
- Speaking of Crap: If Aliza Shvarts smears her uterine lining all over Boot Barn and no one is around to see it, did it really happen?
- We learned why mommy's face no longer moves.
- The kind of mommy who reads Baby Couture!
- Paul Janka + Tyra = Our pop cultural worlds colliding
clips
Proud Player Paul Janka Talks About Sluts On Tyra
Yesterday's Tyra was all about "true confessions of the male mind," and Tyra stacked the audience with dudes, including our (least) favorite confirmed bachelor Paul Janka. (You know, the guy who didn't date-rape Moe.) First, Janka talked about how sexual double standards are "earned" because it's difficult to be a player but easy to be a slut. (As a slut, I can tell you, it ain't easy being easy. But that's a whole 'nother post.) And when the men in the audience were asked to rise or stay seated in response to a question about men preferring Brazilian waxes on women, Janka, interestingly, stayed seated. Clip above.
ignoble asshats
V.S. Naipaul Is Worse Than Mike Cherico And John Fitzgerald Page And Also Norman Mailer
Comrades, there's a new Douche Du Jour in service for your virtual lashings and denunciations: novelist and Nobel laureate V.S. Naipaul! (Just call him "Naipaul Janka"!) Okay, so if you knew who V.S. Naipaul was, you knew he was a jerk. He's an unapologetic racist who fucked whores, beat his mistress, and never gave an interview that didn't convey his giddy, almost-glorious overabundance of self-esteem - remember what Roseanne said about self-esteem? — and is currently in his eighth decade of perfecting his specific brand of hysterical awfulness. Famous writer Paul Theroux had a falling-out with him and wrote a memoir about his condonement of slavery and such. But now comes the (authorized!) biography, in which even he admits his bragging about the whorefucking played a part in killing his first wife Pat — who forewent chemotherapy so as not to be a "nuisance," after which he sold her diaries, without reading them. Can it get worse? Paul Theroux has a lot to share with the class! More »
manifestos
"I Am A Law School Girl (Snatch, Gunch, Clam, Whisker Biscuit -- Pick Your Subject Synonym)..."
"This accounts for some 80% of the gunch at law school," claims a University of Florida law student who goes by the name of Benjamin Straight, before cutting and pasting a charming essay he's composed about a sort of tragic character that, depending upon your point of view, describes either the average "law school girl" or the inner monologue of the average late-onset misogynist, in all its sheeeeeer unbridled lunacy. Straight — I can't find him in the campus directory but, according to a Jezebel tipster, he's a second-year with a wife and kids, because there if there's anything we can learn from lawyers there's no justice in this world — has a fledgling blog over at the URL BigDaddyThunder and, it would seem, something resembling contempt for his fellow human beings, because he has also dedicated an essay to a short, balding, unshaven hair product-abusing Miami character he calls "Law School Guy." More »
douche du jour
Meet David Colby, The World's Most Unlikely Casanova
That's right ladies, check him out. You thought Janka was bad? Until recently David Colby was pimpin all over the continental USA, "carrying on" with more than 30 women and proposing to at least twelve of them in the space of two years, promising them houses and boob jobs and whatever it took get them to share in the joy of herpes and chlamydia. When one woman found out he wasn't, as he'd told her, actually divorced, he gave her a hundred grand just to make her feel more secure. He did that a lot: giving women guarantees against his infidelities; he promised one a house, and another — a single mom — surgery for her kid. How'd he handle it all? By being the CEO of a huge and richly lucrative insurance company! When he wanted to drop a lady, he just "went back on his word with all the compassion of a health insurance company denying a claim." Like when the single mom got pregnant, he simply texted her: "ABORT!!" More »
You don't have to say it: Paul knew you'd been missing him. That's why he put himself up for sale at this exclusive speed-dating site. Now you too can, for a small fee, have what special bloggers get free: a date with the Iron Chef of date rape. Don't think eight minutes is long enough to get properly molested? Think again. [PocketChange]
the week that was
This Week Everyone Got Weaves & Got Knocked Up
- It goes without saying that the biggest news of the week was Jamie Lynn Spears' underage spermination.
- But she's not the only one! Fantasia and Lily Allen are also up the stick.
- Stars are also pregnant with hair. A look back at the year in weaves.
- In other news, ur-douche Paul Janka did not date rape Moe. Imagine that!
- But if he had, British politician John Redwood probs would have let him go, but not without a stern talking-to. Because it wasn't stranger rape or anything.
- The beauty and fashion industries are still trying to sell us a lot of whitewashed models and junk science.
- But it's the holidays, bitches! So go fall into an egg nog coma whilst watching the Spice Girls, you fucking dykes!
more useless janka
Why Would Someone Like MSNBC's Flavia Colgan Let Paul Janka Molest Her?
A tipster tells us Paul Janka used to "date" Flavia Colgan, a leggy lefty MSNBC pundit who is yet another about-to-be-former veteran of the Famous For Philadelphia Society. I have met Flavia a few times and can attest to the fact that she is very pretty and thin and quite possibly even intelligent; she did go to Harvard, after alls. But apparently it was Janka who wasn't as interested! She was just his flavia of the month. Why would such a dignified young woman subject herself to Janka's bumpkin-y ways? I consulted her Wikipedia entry. More »
explanations
Why I Let Paul Janka Molest Me
Oh good grief, okay. Maybe this is a defense mechanism, but I found the notion that a dude like Paul Janka would spend so much time relentlessly pawing a woman who gave him zero positive vibes while just as relentlessly slapping him off to be really fucking amusing, and I'm not going to lie to you, I laughed a little. I try to keep a straight face during interviews, but there were times he would, like, sort of attack me, like we were playing hide-and-go-seek, and when I demonstrated the move last night on Anna, she HOWLED with laughter. Okay, so maybe the laughing could be construed as LEADING HIM ON, which may be why I found myself having to say to him, "Listen, you have to understand, I'm laughing because this whole thing is absurd to me, okay?" And besides, if you can't laugh about being date raped, what can you laugh about? (Haha JOKE for all you armblog psychiatrists out there!) So, now to the LARGER "why" — why go at all? Why give the guy any more attention? Just cause I'm a whore for the page views? More »
janking off
Paul Janka Did Not Date Rape Me Last Night
I went on a "date" with self-professed "Casanova" Paul Janka last night. Or well, I went to his apartment. He sniffed my feet. He showed me his bunk bed. It was more like a "play date" actually, only with a dog in heat. It was kind of fun! But not as fun as telling people about it after I narrowly escaped. More »
jankonomics
Who Is Worse? Paul Janka Or Mitt Romney?
I'm revising my policy on Paul Janka. When I saw him on the Today show the other day I thought he was merely the latest incarnation of a stock character, a product of current society's insatiable need to have a new unabashed asshole - douche jour — to crucify publicly for all the sins committed by the sundry assholes in our past. Oh, but there is something very special about him, as we begin to see from some Radar procured excerpts of his book proposal:Tell the bartender how it is— she works for you for the two hours or so you'll be there. I tell them I don't drink but that I am meeting a lady, and that I don't want her to feel uncomfortable so could they please bring me seltzer waters, in a high-ball glass, with a lime. And call it a Tom Collins. Or a Gin and Tonic if you prefer. Never leave your drink, and don't let the girl sip it— she will freak out, I guarantee you. If you go to the bathroom, take it with you.Strategic! So anyway, here's where it gets interesting. Doesn't he kind of remind you of Mitt Romney? The spookily war-ravaged looking eyes, the strong jawline, the Harvard degree, the obsession with data, the suspicious teetotaling. More »
clips
The Today show had self-proclaimed "Casanova" Paul Janka and therapist Dr. Jennifer Schneider on for a second segment this morning to get to the root of Janka's womanizing problem. And while I don't agree with Dr. Schneider's idea that Janka is emotionally damaging the women he sleeps with by not entering into relationships with them (because seriously, those women should, and probably do, consider it a bullet dodged), he is totally hate-worthy for a host of other reasons. Take the fact that he describes his theory on dating as being "about the energy between two people." Barf. People who use the words "energy" and "vibe" that way are gross on principle. And Today co-host Natalie Morales seems to agree! At the very least, she wonders if there's some sort of emotional void Janka is trying to fill by sleeping with a lot of women, and says as much. Clip above.
"Casanova" Paul Janka (Maybe) Admits He's Damaged Goods
The Today show had self-proclaimed "Casanova" Paul Janka and therapist Dr. Jennifer Schneider on for a second segment this morning to get to the root of Janka's womanizing problem. And while I don't agree with Dr. Schneider's idea that Janka is emotionally damaging the women he sleeps with by not entering into relationships with them (because seriously, those women should, and probably do, consider it a bullet dodged), he is totally hate-worthy for a host of other reasons. Take the fact that he describes his theory on dating as being "about the energy between two people." Barf. People who use the words "energy" and "vibe" that way are gross on principle. And Today co-host Natalie Morales seems to agree! At the very least, she wonders if there's some sort of emotional void Janka is trying to fill by sleeping with a lot of women, and says as much. Clip above.
clips
