• Michael and Dina Lohan will work together on getting Lindsay Lohan off of pills. Says Michael Lohan. [Radar Online]

• Papa Lohan says of Lindsay: "Her problem is prescription drug use. I've seen pictures of her in Paris, and she looks totally out of it. There are morons hanging around her, and they have their hands on my daughter." [Gatecrasher]
• But! Dina Lohan says: "I don't go — like my ex — on national television and make things up. He's estranged from Lindsay; he doesn't know what's going on in her life. Michael doesn't talk to her. "I've had full custody of all my children for the last 10 years. He has been incarcerated for some of that time, so whatever is going on in Lindsay's personal life is our business. And for him getting paid to say things about her when he's five months behind in child support is wrong." Oh, and re: Ungaro, Dina sniffs: "The critics can say whatever they want, but Lindsay is a genius." [Page Six]
• "Leave Lindsay alone. Let her be a real 23-year-old. Let her grow, and let her artistic abilities flourish. Stop judging the Britneys and the Lindsays. They are very creative girls, and that is a gift from a higher power of God."— Dina Lohan. [Page Six]
• Dr. Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson's personal physician, may face arrest — and could lose his medical license — after missing a late child support hearing. [NY Post]
• "The CBS producer accused of blackmailing David Letterman was convinced the comic king bedded 'six or seven' female staffers, a pal of the newsman said Thursday." [NY Daily News]
• A chimpanzee was supposed to be a guest judge on Dancing With The Stars on Tuesday, but PETA complained. This is not a joke. [NY Post]
• Nicole Kidman has teamed up with Omega watches — she signed watch boxes to benefit the United Nations Development Fund for Women. Fifty percent of the proceeds of the watch sales will go to UNIFEM. [WWD]
• Jon Gosselin didn't leave the twins' birthday party at 6pm — he stayed to put his kids to bed. And he was cordial to Kate. But did not spend the night. [TMZ, People]
• You know how Jon Gosselin brought a misspelled birthday cake (it's "Mady", not "Maddy") to his kids' birthday party? Well it was sort of an insult to Kate, who was making a cake from scratch. [BBC News]
• Mischa Barton was spotted buying rounds of shots for Ryan Ross — formerly of Panic At The Disco; currently in Young Veins. [Gatecrasher]
• Mischa Barton was spotted getting out a cab in front of a bar, yelling "I need a drink!" Been there. [Page Six]
• Uh-oh, Nicolas Cage owes over six million dollars in unpaid taxes. Uncle Sam doesn't like that. [TMZ]
• Dr. Phil is denying that he forced a woman to stare at a naked man and grabbed her breast. [TMZ]
• Hilary Swank walks around naked in front of her boyfriend's son. "You wonder at what age you should stop walking around nude," she admits. "But he doesn't look twice. He doesn't think about it yet." Really? He's 6 years old. [Gatecrasher via Marie Claire]
• Khloe Kardashian will now be known as Khloe Kardashian Odom. Adjust accordingly. [Page Six]
• Robin Williams will do his stand up act, Weapons Of Self Destruction, in NYC in November, his first show since having heart surgery. [NY Daily News]
• LOL: Woody Harrelson gets his zombie punchlines from Paul McCartney. [NY Post]
• Mya's dress split at a party; she used safety pins and staples to cobble it back together. Stars are just like us! [Page Six]
• "The husband of Danielle Staub from "Real Housewives of New Jersey" claims she strait up lied when she called him a rapist and a dog murderer ... and now he's suing her for defamation." [TMZ]
• At the link is a recap and insider report and blow-by-blow account of Jeremy Piven's Broadway drama/Speed-the-Plow meltdown. [NY Times]
• Kylie Minogue will do a residency in Vegas? Makes total sense. [Mirror]
• Speaking of Kylie: her ex-boyfriend Olivier Martinez has accepted undisclosed libel damages over a claim that he had cheated on her during their long-term relationship. The Sun apparently makes stuff up. [The Star]
• Breaking: Audrina Patridge is single and happy. [People]
• Kristen Bell will star as Christina Aguilera's rival in Burlesque, a musical drama about "a small-town girl with a big-town voice who finds love and success in a neo-burlesque club." You guys, Cher plays the club owner. CHER. [Hollywood Reporter]
• On the Wanda Sykes HBO special: "She is… the funniest person in America… Sykes gets the crowd laughing early and keeps them laughing to the end, with no significant down time and no cheap tricks… [It] all builds to a prolonged, brilliant segment on being gay and black that puts a racial spin on every coming-out cliché- making us see both with new eyes." [USA Today]
• "Filmmaker Steven Spielberg, long recognized for his artistic achievements, was honored with the Liberty Medal on Thursday for his compassion and humanitarian work." [AP]
• Parker Posey has joined the cast of Highland Park, a dark comedy with Danny Glover. The film focuses on the high school faculty in a struggling community. In the story, a teacher wins the lottery and uses the cash to restore the local library; the film is actually attempting to help reopen a real library in Detroit. [Hollywood Reporter]
• "Thursday's episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta took a dark turn. Following the news of the death of Anthony "AJ" Jewel outside his Atlanta strip club last week, viewers watched his then-fiancée, Housewife Kandi Burruss, waver about the future of their relationship - awkwardly unaware, as the cameras rolled, that the relationship had no future." [People]
• Isaiah Washington: Still looking for jobs. Sources say it's not because of the Grey's fallout, but because he is difficult to work with. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Gloria Estefan bought 2,000 tickets for her concert in Puerto Rico this weekend and will distribute them via raffle among 17,000 recently laid-off government workers. [AP]
• Gladys Knight is embarking on a farewell tour? Is she taking a midnight train? [Independent]
• "I'm in 'Gay Paris' — I swear as an Englishman that by the time I leave tomorrow it'll be known as 'Hetero Paris.' Or at least Bi Paris." — Russell Brand. [NY Daily News]
• "I was always thinking 'how am I going to keep my old chap in my pants?' But Ayda and me are very loved up – sprogs on the way and all that business. I don't know what will go on down the road, but I don't want to do anything to fuck it up or do anything to upset her." — Robbie Williams on gf Ayda Field. [Telegraph]
• "My dad went into a rant. Farrah came flying at him to defend herself, he blocked her and, in the process, broke her arm. They spun the truth to protect Ryan (but) I was there, I saw it happen." — Griffin O'Neal says his father Ryan O'Neal cheated on Farrah Fawcett and was abusive. [Daily Express]
• "It's obviously very strange, a little mad. Especially the [Audrey] Hepburn comparisons. I mean, that's such a lovely thing to say about the film, and I see it in the Paris montage. But you know, I didn't think about the end product much when I was making it. I just thought, what fun! There's Emma Thompson! I had to fight for this part; I auditioned three times and must have called my agent every day for two months afterwards. I knew it was a special gang going in, but I just thought…oh, I have to play Jenny. Her journey is enormous." — Carey Mulligan on all the buzz her performance in new film An Education is getting, in which she plays "a fiercely intelligent teenage girl living in barely pre-Beatles London." [The Daily Beast]
• "It's fucking weird. I'll be the first to admit that New York is one of the greatest cities in the world. But what you see on screen is not the life we really lead." — Gossip Girl's Penn Badgley, who likes taco stands, not fancy restaurants. [BlackBook]
• "The only expert thing I know about a relationship is that I don't know anything. I think every time I think I know something, obviously you then learn that you don't know anything, but I do know this to be true: I know that men marry women hoping that they will not change, and women marry men hoping that they will change, and inevitably, everyone's disappointed." — Vince Vaughn. [Independent]
• "Younger guys are generally more adventurous, not set in their ways. I don't like guys my age because they are normally either married or divorced and grumpy, fat and balding." — Madonna. [Daily Express]

• Tobey Maguire and his wife, Jennifer Meyer, who already have a daughter together, two-and-a-half year old Ruby, now have a son; their second child was born Friday and "the family is healthy and happy." [People]

• Meanwhile, Jason Priestley is also preparing for the arrival of his son. Priestley's wife, Naomi, has confirmed that the couple (who already have a 22 month old girl) is expecting a baby boy. "They are so excited," says a source, "They said this is probably it for them because now they'll have one of each." [People]
• Heidi Klum and Seal who have two sons and are raising Heidi's daughter, Leni, together, are expecting a baby girl. "We'd be happy with either," says Heidi, "But it would be a lie if I said we all weren't hoping for a little girl — especially Leni, because she would love to have a little sister." [USWeekly]
• Sandra Bullock, however, isn't sure she ever wants kids: "You don't have to give birth to someone to have a family. I'm not going to spend two seconds of my life wishing I had something I don't," Bullock says, "It's hard to do it your way when you hear everyone else telling you to do it their way, I just want people to admit that there's no one way to live your life." [USWeekly]
• Is Bob Dylan hiding the fact that he's had several wives and children? [DailyMail]
• Taylor Swift likes to check up on her exes from time to time: "In my spare time I like to drive past my ex boyfriends' houses. I'm not like throwing eggs; I just like to check up on them. Everybody does that - it's just that nobody admits to it!" [ShowbizSpy]
• Mia Farrow has ended her fast after 12 days, claiming that her doctors warned her about health concerns, including seizures. "I am fortunate," Farrow says, "The women, children, and men I am fasting for do not have that option. When beginning this fast twelve days ago, I said that when I could go no longer, I hoped another would take my place, and another, and another, until the expelled humanitarian agencies are readmitted and finally there there is finally justice and peace for the people of Darfur." [DailyExpress]
• Akon owns a diamond mine in South Africa and says you can't believe everything you read: "I don't even believe in conflict diamonds," he says, "That's just a movie. Think about it. Ain't nobody thought about nothing about no conflict diamonds until the movie came out. Where was all that shit before the movie? That's the problem with people - they believe everything they read or see on TV. Unless you go to Sierra Leone and see what's going down, don't believe everything you're reading or see on TV. Trust me." [Independent]
• "My dad said it best. He said, 'Kelly, you have a contagious energy. You're always smiling, you're always happy and you're always excited to be wherever you are. People are just going to constantly try and bring you down and take that away from you. You just have to keep smiling.' And that's what I do."- Kelly Bensimon [E!]
• Blind Item: "A celebrity couple enjoyed dinner at a restaurant recently. This particular restaurant had a gorgeous flower arrangement on each table that the dark-haired woman greatly admired. As the couple was leaving, the woman - without asking permission from the restaurant - took not only the flowers from her table, but the ones from the table next to hers as well! As she was walking out, she told a stunned restaurant employee that they were the perfect thing for her own table at home. Perhaps her new film coming out this summer didn't pay her enough to buy her own flowers?" [BlindGossip]
• In totally shocking news, Eminem is, once again, blaming his mother for all of his problems. "My mum loved Valium and lots of drugs. That's why I'm like I am because I'm my mum," Marshall says, "There's no one quite like my mum. I know I should let bygones be bygone but she's the reason why I'm high on what I'm high on." [TheSun]
• Perhaps we'll hear more about Em's issues during his three-night stint on the Jimmy Kimmel Show, where he'll be promoting his new album, Relapse.[UPI]
• "I've lived the life of a 35-year-old since I was 18. I'm so suspicious of boys-slash-men. I just don't like them or trust them."- Megan Fox [DailyMail]
• Oprah's home in Montecito, CA, has been evacuated due to the wildfires that are currently sweeping through the area. "The fires are nearby, but her house is not within the mandatory evacuation area," says a source, "We're continuing to monitor." [USWeekly]
• "Pottery has all sorts of metaphors, mostly sexual. I don't like to trim. I like throwing, mostly. I like being on the wheel. So I do what's called 'throwing off the hump.' You get a big piece of clay and you put it in the center of the wheel and center it ... I started making these little votive pieces ... then I would paint these little guys and put them in a vignette in a lighted area and it would cast a shadow on the wall."- Parker Posey [NYMag]
• A highly scientific formula has determined that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are the most powerful celebrity couple on the planet. [Telegraph]
• "Well, I never stopped writing music. I'm just writing a different kind of music now. I'm writing instrumental music and thematic music. To what end, I really don't know. It may end up being a movie score, some of it could be symphonic, it could end up being songs. I'm writing themes. I'm just not writing songs like I used to."- Billy Joel, who also still claims that he didn't start the fire, you guys. [Yahoo]
• Snoop Dogg has been cleared of battery and assault charges stemming from a 2005 incident wherein a concert goer jumped onstage and was promptly taken down by Snoop's entourage. [E!]
• "Ninety per cent of what is written about us is invented. The last one was this story about the Hungarian model, I have never been out to dinner with this young lady. I do not flirt with other women - I exist only for Victoria."- David Beckham [DailyMail]
• PETA is targeting Jessica Simpson due to her plans to perform a concert at Sea World: "As someone who is used to living in a fishbowl and having the public weigh in on her every move, you might like to give some thought to the animals who are forced to be 'on display' their entire lives." [DailyExpress]
• Christian Bale forced a rewrite of the upcoming Terminator: Salvation film. When asked why, he screamed: "Because it's fucking distracting!" When I told him I was going to put that in this morning's Dirt Bag, he yelled, "Oh goooood for yooooou." I'm pretty sure that we're done, professionally. [Yahoo]

• El oh el: It appears none of the celebrity weeklies have bought exclusive rights to pictures of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt's wedding this weekend.

A source says they're not worried, because chances are, the pix will end up in all the mags: "They'd rather be on page 50 of Us, People, In Touch or Life & Style than be on the cover of a magazine like OK! that isn't going to sell. They need to make money, and so does the magazine. The formula is changing," spills a source. [MSNBC Scoop]

• In this video of concert footage, Britney's extensions get ripped out of her head and left behind on a couch. [Perez Hilton]
• Kudos to TMZ for the headline, "Britney Weaves It All On Stage." [TMZ]
• Lily Allen celebrated the end of her tour by having a "massive ice cream fight" in her dressing room. But she paid the clean-up bill: "Cost me $2,000. End of tour, time to get mashed." [The Sun]
• In case you forgot that Madonna's boyfriend Jesus Luz has a job, he totally walked the runway in a Jeffrey Fashion Cares fashion show. How do we feel about those white trousers? [WWD]
• Even though Miley Cyrus is with Justin Gaston, is she still hung up on her ex, Nick Jonas? Were they making out recently? Are they MFEO (made for each other)? [Gatecrasher]
• Jay Leno, who hasn't missed work in years, checked himself into a hospital with a "mystery illness." [NY Daily News]
• Paris Hilton's "BFF," Brittany Flickinger, was in a car crash in Hollywood last night; she wasn't wearing a seat belt and slammed her head into the windshield. Luckily, she escaped with only a chipped bone in her leg. [TMZ]
• Behold: Video of Justin Timberlake, in foxy glasses, talking about his mancrush on LeBron James: "He just lights me up!" He also declares Caddy Shack as the best sports movie ever. [Rolling Stone]
• Ashton Kutcher's Twitter can now be considered a place to break new artists; he wrote about an unsigned singer/songwriter named Alex Highton and now the guy's MySpace is blowing up. [Telegraph]
• Guess who stars in one of Kanye West's next videos? Rihanna. Yeezy says, "She's an amazing talent…Collaborating with her is always a pleasure!" [Fashion Week Daily]
• Amy Winehouse's dad flew to St. Lucia yesterday to check on the singer. Will they go horseback riding together? [The Sun]
• Beyoncé wants to do Broadway in a couple of years, when she's settled down and had some rugrats with Jay-Z: "It's my ideal job," she explains. "I'll be able to go to the theater every day and drop my kids off and maybe make some food — maybe I'll know how to cook by then — and then go do what I love and have some normalcy and have a regular schedule." [Reuters]
• Kim Kardashian on Miss California, Carrie Prejean: "I don't agree with her narrow mindedness and neither do a lot of people… Everyone has the right to be happy and be treated equally and I think not allowing gay marriage just kind of puts us back." But KK also says: "Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. She stood up for what she believes in so she should be happy with that backlash." [People]
• Is Pam Anderson down and out? Or is Courtney Love high? Wait. Don't answer that. Courtney says: "Pam Anderson doesn't even have a credit card. And she lives in Paradise Cove — which is in Malibu, but it's a trailer park in Malibu." [Page Six]
• This piece about Russell Crowe begins: "He is a man's man - or, rather, he is the kind of man in whom shabby, ageing, overweight, altogether untidy and unresolved males can see their manly image. In other words, Russell Crowe seems more than happy taking very little care of himself, his appearance or his 'glamour.'" Why don't you tell us how you really feel? [Guardian]
• Jerry Seinfeld's grandparents arrived in this country via Ellis Island, and their story will be in the spotlight on May 19, when the Statue of Liberty-Ellis Island Foundation bestows a "family heritage" award on Seinfeld. [NY Times]
• Parker Posey is no longer dating Keanu Reeves and has moved on to a graphic designer and sculptor named Scott Lenhardt. As seen in this picture, they're super happy and adorbs. [NY Mag]
• Aww, pictures of Slumdog Millionaire stars Dev Patel and Freida Pinto nuzzling up to each other over lunch in Israel — where Pinto is filming — will melt your cold, tiny heart. [Daily Mail]
• This report calls Kate Middleton Prince William's "bride in waiting," and notes that it's been discovered that she's related to Swallows And Amazons creator Arthur Ransome. [Daily Express]
• Blogger Julia Allison lives in the same apartment building as Rosie O'Donnell. Wednesday she posted a Twitter which read: "Holy shit. My neighbor Rosie O'Donnell has been having a knock down drag out screaming match with Kelli for the last hour. Sad. :( " Anywho, JA deleted the post, maybe because it's an invasion of privacy, but it's sorta too late. [Ed note: This will be the only mention of Ms. Allison on this blog for all of 2009.] [Gawker]
• Dane Cook was on Larry King Live, talking about his half-brother and former manager who embezzled millions from him: "It's a terrible betrayal. But hopefully justice will be served and I can move on with my life." [ET]
• Sniffle: Elton John, Paul McCartney and Mick Jagger have lost "huge chunks" of their personal fortunes due to the economic crisis. [Reuters]
• Stephen Dorff has joined the cast of the porn industry comedy Born To Be A Star, which is produced and co-written by Adam Sandler. [Variety]
• Blind item! "Which closeted - and married - actor almost had his cover blown when he hit on a straight man in a sauna? Word is the offended dude is now quite wealthy, thanks to a payoff." [Gatecrasher]
• "Although I'm her friend, [I don't want to defend her to her detractors] because that's their right as well. They feel really strongly about their opinion for pro-gay rights, and that's great." — Miss USA on Miss California. [Gatecrasher]
• "I realized I was spending hours and hours in the middle of the night signing autographs. Unless I had assistants forging letters and signatures I knew I couldn't continue. So I posted a message on the internet saying: 'If I can't do it honestly, I won't do it any more.'" — Viggo Mortensen, on answering fan mail. [Daily Mail]
• "He called me and said, 'You know let's do it right away.' It was really emotional. I think the only way he could have come back was right after because his family was all there to support his boys. Liam is heroic. He came back and finished. I think he's trying to absorb [what's happened] ... He's suddenly a single parent with absolutely no preparation for that. But he is surrounded by people that really love him. There is a lot of support." — Director Atom Egoyan, on Liam Neeson, who returned to the set of the film Chloe days after his wife Natasha Richardson died. [People]
• "We're just extremely careful with our shit. I keep a CD with me, I'm the only one who usually has a CD. Maybe me and Dre… Other than that, nobody has it." — Eminem, on how his new album avoided getting leaked. [Rolling Stone]
• "Watching it was horribly unhealthy for me. You think that would help keep me sober, you know seeing myself as this raving lunatic...It absolutely triggered these crazy urges to get loaded." — Steve-O on watching his upcoming documentary about his addiction and recovery. [E!]
• "For some reason people think like if you tell someone they're too thin that's OK. But if you tell someone they're too heavy that's insulting… It hurts either way. I'm the same weight I was before I was pregnant. I've been pregnant for two years in a row. I'm the same weight I was on 90210. I'm the same weight I was before I met Dean and we got married. It's the same." — Tori Spelling. [AP]
• "If you read some of his early-life autobiography, it's horrible... the amount of mental anguish he has to go through, just to have any kind of even vaguely sexual relationship. It's really depressing what he's going through in his head. Dali had a massive fear of penetration – penetrating someone or being penetrated… [As for the love scenes with a man,] I think girls almost really like watching something like that. From what I've read, people really get excited about that – it sounds really sexy!" — Robert Pattinson on playing Salvador Dali. [Independent]
• "Marijuana has always been that drug that united people. It's always been on the verge of being legal. It's hardly a drug really. When people look at marijuana, they look at it as an enjoyment of connecting." — Redman. [NY Daily News]
• "Most of the time, songs that I write end up being finished in 30 minutes or less. 'Love Story' I wrote on my bedroom floor in about 20 minutes. When I get on a roll with something, it's really hard for me to put it down unfinished. — From "10 Questions For Taylor Swift." [Time]
• "I don't even know what 'tweeting' means ... but it sounds dirty!" — Michelle Trachtenberg. [Gatecrasher]

• Fox News sources are now saying that actress Natasha Richardson is being transported to NYC before she is taken off life support. She was hospitalized in Montreal for an injury suffered while skiing. [Fox News]

• Journalist Ian Halperin, who has written new book about Michael Jackson, claims the star is planning to get more plastic surgery before his comeback concerts start this summer. MJ's camp denies the story. [The Sun]
• Since Michael Jackson's London comeback concerts sold out in a matter of hours, he may bring the show to the U.S. when the European tour ends in January. [Perez Hilton]
• Lindsay Lohan was involved in a fender-bender last night, but she wasn't at the wheel. Her bodyguard/driver crashed into a wall outside the Mondrian Hotel in West Hollywood at 3:30am while Lindsay was in the car. [E!]
• A man showed up outside Nadya Suleman's home with a turkey baster and three tubes of "samples" strapped in his coat, waving a sign that said "I am the real OctoDad." Turns out it was rapper Smooth E trying to promote his song about Suleman. [TMZ]
• Britney Spears' camp is denying rumors that she will performa duet with Madonna, or anyone else, at an upcoming concert. [Perez Hilton]
• Star claims that Reese Witherspon was wearing an engagement ring presented to her by Jake Gyllenhaal at a recent Avon commercial shoot, but she took it off when she saw people staring because she's not ready to go public. [Star]
• An 8-week-old puppy Oprah Winfrey adopted from PAWS Chicago this month has died. Ivan, a blond-colored cocker spaniel, died from the parvo virus late last week. Oprah recently adopted him with Sadie, another cocker puppy. [UPI]
• Rihanna's mentor, music producer Evan Rogers says stars like Oprah and Tyra Banks reaching out to Rihanna may be making things worse for her. Rogers says: "I think that everyone has good intentions and means well, but it turns up the heat in terms of it seeming like the whole world is telling her what to do. At the end of the day, people forget that at 21, your perspective is very different. These kinds of things can happen to anyone, whether you're a celebrity or not." [Entertainment Weekly]
• Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen will have another wedding ceremony in Costa Rica with only 50 guests. [Radar]
• Catharina Franca, ex-girlfriend of Jesus Luz, says of his dating Madonna: "I think the age makes a difference and it is ridiculous for her. It's like my mum with a boyfriend my age, or even my grandmother. I think it's very weird. She is a ridiculous old bag, jumping around on stage at her age." Wow, Madonna is probably crying her eyes out over what this 18-year-old has to say. [The Sun]
• Amy Winehouse took the stand today to enter a "not guilty" plea in court. She's accused of assaulting a woman at a high society ball last year. [People]
• Kanye West went to a table read for the Family Guy spinoff The Cleveland Show and will appear in animated form on the show. [People]
• Injured Harry Potter stuntman David Holmes only has a 5% chance of ever walking again. [Perez Hilton]
• Christina Ricci is engaged to Owen Benjamin. The two started dating in November. [Us]
• Donald Trump is being sued over a folded Baja-Mexico luxury condo building project. Trump sold his name to the project and people invested in it because they thought they were getting a quality product, but now they're out $32 million. [Perez Hilton]
• Here's a gallery of photos taken inside Mike Tyson's ostentatious abandoned house. [Boing Boing]
• This summer Jessica Biel will be in a production of Guys and Dolls at the Hollywood Bowl. [Perez Hilton]
• Parker Posey will star in the off-Broadway play This next season. The play is described as "an unromantic comedy" about the ups and downs of a woman turning 40. [AP]
• In the new Details A-Rod says he and Madonna are friends and he's sought her advice through the years because she's "smart" and "passionate about everything she does." "If there ever was any situation, she's a great ear to have," he says. A-Rod explains that they've actually known each other for years, saying, "I met her about 12 years ago in Miami, believe it or not. … I was trying to buy her house, and I couldn't afford it." [Entertainment Tonight]
• Adam Yauch of the Beastie Boys runs a year-old movie company called Oscilloscope, which distributed the indie movie Wendy and Lucy starring Michelle Williams. He says he got into the business from attending film festivals. "I am a fan and would just come and end up watching five films a day, many of them great, and then coming away and wondering why they never got released. Now we can do something about that." [NY Times]
• Linda Hamilton will have a short voiceover at the beginning of Terminator Salvation. [Perez Hilton]
• Denise Richards says her two daughters are excited to meet their new half-brothers. " [Brooke Mueller and Charlie Sheen] just had the babies and we're letting Brooke heal," Richards said. "Then they will see their new brothers. They can't wait. They actually drew a picture for them, they are so excited." [People]
• Antonio Banderas has bought 50 percent of a winery in northern Spain. [AP]
• Elisha Cuthbert says her Old School costar Will Ferrell was "quiet, shy – a calm soul. That, to me, was really shocking." As for Vince Vaughn "He's witty, quick, and sarcastic – which can be a little intimidating. He's scary in the way that David Letterman is scary." [People]
• Salma Hayek says her new husband Francois Henri-Pinault was her stylist for the Golden Globes. She explains: "It was Christmas and I was just overwhelmed with so many things to do. He said, 'Let me help you. How can I help?' And I said, 'Well, I have to pick a dress for the Golden Globes,' ... So Bottega Veneta sent swatches and sketches, and François worked with the designer Tomas Maier, and he took care of everything." [People]
• Paul Rudd says that while promoting I Love You, Man he took a bathroom break with co-star Jason Segel before a TV interview. He decided it would be funny to pull his pants down to his ankles. Segel laughed and left the bathroom, but the joke backfired when a stranger entered. "I'm pulling my pants up in front of a urinal and my (rear end) is sticking out and the guy just like, walks in," Rudd said. [AP]
• Kim Kardashian did a photo shoot with her boyfriend Reggie Bush for the new issue of GQ. [People]
• Just in case you were dying to know what Kim Kardashian thinks about Lindsay Lohan's recent fight with Samantha Ronson, Kim says: "It's so sad that there's such an invasion of privacy, with camera people, cops and paparazzi outside their home. I mean, when have you not thrown something when you're mad? Everyone has to admit that at one time in their life, they've gotten so mad that they've thrown something, but maybe not necessarily breaking a window." [Perez Hilton]
• Before her blog was (probably) hacked, Roseanne Barr shared more thoughts on Rihanna, saying that Oprah and Tyra's view of domestic abuse is "out of date, and irrelevant and made me mad." She continues: Rhianna is a victim of chris brown to be sure, but nothing will ever change as long as the FACT is ignored that in the beginning of domestic violence, the female often (like Rhianna) colludes and ALSO IS VIOLENT!" She says after ending her abusive marriage to Tom Arnold, "I was in a lot of groups and noticed how many women said that they stayed because they mistakenly thought: 'I am not like all these other helpless women who get beat, I hit back, or I hit first. I am not a helpless victim, I am a strong fighter, and I can handle this'. Then comes the time when his strength is too much to withstand, and the sobering reality that you are in fact just another victim hits you. [Roseanne's Blog]

[New York, March 6. Image via WENN.]

• At an Oscar party, Madonna congratulated ex-husband Sean Penn on his win. Penn reportedly gestured at Jesus Luz and said: "Thanks. Another kid already?" [The Sun]

• Sean Penn skipped the Milk party, by the way. Why wouldn't you go to the bash for your own damn flick? [Page Six]
• Was Ben Stiller's Joaquin impersonation the only amusing part of the Oscars? [NY Post]
• Kate Winslet was psyched at the Vanity Fair party: she "cradled" her statue and shouted "Wooo!" at all who congratulated her. [Gatecrasher]
• Since receiving it, Kate Winslet has not put her Oscar down. [Daily Mail]
• Jennifer Aniston wouldn't let John Mayer pose for a picture with "backstage beauties" at the Oscars. Or, you know, people want you to think she is keeping a tight grip on this one. [E!]
• Sienna Miller was at Montblanc's/UNICEF dinner in Hollywood and came out of the men's room followed by a "short, straggly haired gent whom she didn't speak to again that night." [Gatecrasher]
• Are Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Manson back on? She was seen with him right before the Oscars. [Page Six]
• Prince's Oscar party: A "disaster." [Page Six]
• Will Billy Crystal host the Oscars next? Fox's Roger Friedman thinks so, since Crystal isn't working on anything else. [Fox 411]
• Madonna who? Gwyneth Paltrow is becoming BFFs with Jay-Z and Beyoncé: Her kids call him "Uncle Jay." [Page Six]
• Eminem is suing Universal Music Group — the world's largest music company — over how much he is entitled to when his tunes are sold to third-party distributors. [The Wrap]
• There was a hearing in the Britney Spears restraining order case yesterday; Dad Jamie Spears claimed that Britney has been talking to Sam Lutfi and Adnan Ghalib on a pre-paid cell phone. Danger, danger! [TMZ]
• Victoria Beckham's carbon footprint? Huge. [Guardian]
• Three words: Kathy Griffin memoir. [NY Observer]
• Parker Posey is a big tipper. [Page Six]
• Lily Allen wants to star in Miss Marple. She also wants to sing for and appear in a Bond film. She's a lady with dreams! [The Star]
• Stevie Wonder is in Washington to receive the Gershwin Prize for Popular Song from the Library of Congress; the ceremony will happen later this week at the White House and Barack Obama will present the award. Signed sealed delivered, it's his! [USA Today]
• Pix of the Slumdog cuties at Disneyland! [Extra]
• Here's a story about how the Slumdog kids are hometown heroes. "The whole country is happy about this. They are very happy that a boy from the slums is also now a star. I'm also very happy," said Mohammed Ismail, the father of a 10-year-old who appeared in the flick. [NY Post]
• A Tennessee teen who got raided last Fall for hacking Miley Cyrus's Gmail account also hacked other celebrity accounts and MySpaces for a spam scheme that earned him $110,000. [Wired]
• Jennifer Love Hewitt is so obsessed with Audrey Hepburn that she dressed up as the actress for her 30th birthday. Nice tiara. [E!, IDLYITW]
• Some dude in Seattle collects celebrity-autographed yarmulkes, and 32 of them will be displayed at the University Of Washington. [UPI]
• Charles Barkley was sentenced to 10 days in jail yesterday, stemming from a December DUI in which he told cops he was speeding because he was on his way to get a blow job. (Note: That excuse does not work.) [E!]
• Kate Beckinsale has some instant noodles named after her: Steak and BeckinsALE. What an honor? [The Sun]
• The author of gay comic book Hair-Raising Adventures of Jayms Blonde says Adam Sandler ripped off his idea and turned it into You Don't Mess With The Zohan. No one should be claiming credit for Zohan, though. [NY Daily News]
• Is U2 getting £1million in free advertising from the BBC? [Daily Mail]
• Regis Philbin's son Danny tried to kill himself with a pill overdose after splitting with his wife. [Perez Hilton]
• New couple: Elle Macpherson and Brit designer Oswald Boateng. [Gatecrasher]
• A martial arts instructor is suing Tito Jackson over unpaid debt. Is that family a magnet for trouble? [Mirror]
• Blind item! " Which billionaire's son is a scary misogynist? When women balk at his less-than-gentlemanly pickup lines, he calls them bitches and shouts a threat or two." [Gatecrasher]
• More blind items! "Which actor snorted cocaine in the bathroom during an Oscar after-party, while a slimmed-down stoner actor smoked pot outside with his pals? Which morning cable TV show hostess took off a week recently to get her eyes done and her breasts enlarged? Which aviation honcho is trying to knock down rumors he shacked up with a young hottie who works for him while his pregnant wife was back home and clueless?" [Page Six]
• "It's not up to me, but I'm sure we would (have him on SNL) if he had another hit single. We don't care about scandal. We just care about what brings us ratings!" — Kenan Thompson on Chris Brown. [MSNBC]
• "Possession of pouty lips and carefully contrived tousled hairdos doesn't exempt them from associating with the reporters and fans who made them famous." — from a rant against Angelina and Brad snubbing interviewers on the red carpet. [NY Post]
• "It doesn't cost $500 to cut my hair. Have you seen my hair? I don't even have that many strands. If for some reason i decided that I was going to throw $500 away on a hair cut I would pay for it myself, however - I have a great exchange going with my hair dresser - I make him cds - he cuts my hair. Yay! cheap and cheerful!" —Samantha Ronson, shutting down a report that Lindsay Lohan pays for Sam's $500 hair cuts. [MSNBC]

[Berlin, February 11. Image via x17]

When I heard about the straight to DVD treatment, my first instinct was to cry sexism. I assumed that movie studios were not going to release the film because even after the moderate success of Baby Mama, they believe a woman-led comedy will not sell. But then I thought about it some more, and had another revelation: maybe I'm the one being sexist.

I was raging to a friend about Spring Breakdown not getting a proper release, and he said, "Maybe it's just not very good." That floored me. Maybe it's just. Not. Very. Good. That made me remember a comment made in the post I did about the Bride Wars trailer. If you'll recall, I found the trailer played to all the worst Bridezilla-ish stereotypes, and to that a commenter made some very good points, but then also a very bad one. "It might have gotten dumbed down and crappified, but there might actually be a good movie hiding behind the obnoxious trailer. Wouldn't be the first time. And, like Baby Mama, just the fact that it's a big budget comedy starring 2 women is a big big deal," the commenter argued. I was nodding my head in agreement, until this part: "Hopefully in a few years we'll have tons of good, bad, and mediocre female-driven comedies, but for now don't be so quick to shit on a movie written by, produced by, and starring women."

The idea that we should judge comedies written by, produced by, and starring women by a different rubric than comedies created by men is the worst kind of sexism — it's the sexism of diminished expectations.

Melissa hasn't seen Spring Breakdown, but she's not positive it's a stinker, either, by anyone's rubric. Here's what she had to say:

It's been done forever and I thought it was supposed to come out last spring around spring break which would have been perfect. So the fact that it's been sitting on the shelf for a while is not good news. Many movies, especially women's films have difficulty breaking into the market because there are just not enough theatres so even getting a DVD release is good for some people. This year films by Michelle Pfeiffer (the Amy Heckerling film- I Could Never Be Your Woman) and films that starred Meg Ryan and Diane Keaton have been dumped to DVD.

But those were smaller films. Spring Breakdown is from Warner Brothers which only really knows how to release guy centric blockbusters. I think that the could release it and still make $20 [million] because its a comedy and its got Amy who is almost as big a Tina now. I'm sure there are many political issues that I know nothing about and I don't know if the film is a piece of crap. Baby Mama was good, not great, in my book but made money (and would make so much more now).

With women's films you are screwed either way, first you don't want to release a bad movie starring and about women, especially a comedy because there are so few of those. I can just see the Judd Apatow fraternity rolling their eyes at a bad women's comedy. Why give Hollywood more ammunition to think we aren't a market?

But we don't know if it is bad. I see comedies differently than my male counterparts. Maybe I would think it was funny even though the suits at Warners or the test audiences in Las Vegas or some other place didn't. Who knows?

Melissa also notes that Bride Wars was not written and directed by women — it had women as co-writers (it was directed by Gary Winick and written by Casey Wilson, June Diane Raphael and Greg DePaul). However, she also thinks there should be room for the crappy chick flicks alongside the female-driven comedies and dramas. "We need all kinds of women's movies, just like we get all types of men's movies," Melissa stresses. "I just wish we had more good scripts and more opportunities to see women on screen. Is that too much to ask for in 2008?" No, no it's not.

Spring Breakdown [IMDB]
Women & Hollywood

Earlier: Bride Wars An Insult To Women, Brain Cells
The Stepfordization Of Hollywood's Comely Comediennes

[New York, September 16. Image via INF]

[New York, August 4. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

Los Angeles Times:

...Upon viewing the pilot and an early episode, it is impossible not to feel a little ripped off. Like getting the Tiffany box, with the white satin bow, and opening it to find... a Starbucks gift card. For 10 bucks. There are worse gifts you could get, sure, and there are worse shows than Jezebel James... The problem is that from these folks you expect a fascinating female lead, but you get instead every uptight, cellphone-clenching, relationship-avoiding, food-issue-riven working woman you've ever seen (and never met).

Among the disillusioning aspects of the new comedy The Return of Jezebel James is the presence of a laugh track, there as if it were a spoonful of peanut butter on a pizza. What business does it have? The question arises because Jezebel is the creation of Amy Sherman-Palladino, a writer who has set her own standards far above convention. On her previous venture, the great, departed Gilmore Girls, the funny lines — about Norman Mailer, Noam Chomsky, Christiane Amanpour, well-known newspaper editors, op-ed columnists, old movies, Susan Faludi — came with such velocity that no laugh track would ever have been able to keep up.

There is too little Ambrose/Posey interaction in the pilot, but in the second episode — when Coco moves in and the two start haggling over the surrogacy contract — Sherman-Palladino's knack for chick dialogue shows some of its old promise. Alas...stories from the just-had-a-baby/about-to-have-a-baby dynamic are rarely as funny as Sex and the City. Or even Friends (remember: Rachel essentially had to put baby Emma in the closet with her purse collection to keep that show going a few more seasons)... Will Jezebel last long enough for the little rugrat to get born?

Perhaps because of the need to establish the premise, Sherman-Palladino doesn't allow Sarah to become anything approaching a flesh-and-blood character, racing from set-up to punchline without much emotion, disappointment or anything else that might humanize her. Nor does Coco fare especially well in the pilot, and a second half-hour (the two are airing together to create a one-hour premiere) proves equally irritating, as they squabble through a meeting to hash out their surrogacy agreement.

Shows like [Gilmore Girls] are something rare, as Fox's The Return of Jezebel James amply demonstrates. In this new sitcom, the stories are exaggerated, the premise is incredible and the chemistry is almost nonexistent.

Although Jezebel is packed with Sherman-Palladino's trademark snappy banter, it's a cold, brittle misfire. Fast-paced, tart dialogue isn't enough to sustain a show if the people reeling it off aren't worth spending time with.

Sherman-Palladino forces the sisters on each other out of an almost crippling sense of joint self-interest that's as painful as it is illogical. Supposedly, the two bond when Sarah tells Coco the name of her new book series: Jezebel James, after Coco's childhood imaginary friend. It's weak grounds for motherhood, and even weaker for comedy.

Earlier: The Return Of Jezebel James: Possibly Disappointing

[New York, March 6. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

[LAX, February 25. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

The main problem with what we're seeing so far is that damn laugh track. Shows like 30 Rock, The Office and Scrubs manage to be funny without canned laughter; Fox should tune in to NBC and take note. Judge for yourself: There's the clip above and another below.

Earlier: Psst!

• Scott Baio tied the knot with longtime girlfriend Renee Sloan Saturday in L.A. The couple have a newborn daughter. Good luck, kids! [People]
  
• Amy Winehouse's mother has written a public letter to her daughter, pleading, "All you have to do is come to us, Amy, and we'll do everything in our power to get you well again." [People]
  
• Amy Winehouse's dad says he sees Amy all the time and "It is absolute rubbish to suggest that no one has been in touch with Amy." (He split from Amy's mom when Amy was nine, sigh.) [Mirror]
  
• Ellen DeGeneres is on a campaign to rebuild animal shelters across the U.S., in an attempt to revamp her image after that Iggy fiasco. [Page Six]
  
• Britney Spears stole a lighter from a gas station. Try to appear shocked. [TMZ]

• Uber-tanned actor George Hamilton has a new show in which he bets he can go anywhere in the world, traveling and partying without spending a dime. Proving that rich people always get free shit! [Page Six]
• Will Smith is ready to campaign for Barack Obama if Barack wants him to. He should probably wait to be asked, no? [Page Six]
• Sean "Diddy" Combs, 38, is "in love" with recording artist Cassie, 21. [Page Six]
• Larry Birkhead thought he was going to be one of Barbara Walters' 10 most fascinating people of 2007... right up until the show aired and he saw that J.K. Rowling was number one. [Gatecrasher]
• Parker Posey's dog peed on the floor in Kiehl's. [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which fashionable fellow with a statuesque girlfriend was putting the moves on other young ladies in Miami last week? Perhaps there won't be a dynastic wedding after all." [Gatecrasher, last item]
• Backstreet Boy Howie D got married this weekend. Not a boy anymore! [People]
• Prince Harry and on-again-off-again girlfriend Chelsy Davy are going on a "romantic African holiday" that could make or break the relationship. [Daily Mail]
• We touched on this before, but it seems like Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham has had her implants removed. She's still major! [Daily Mail]
• Sienna Miller's boyfriend, actor Rhys Ifans, says, "I work hard and party hard." Perfect match! [Guardian]
• A member of Liza Minnelli's crew was detained by police in Stockholm on suspicion of beating up a photographer. Whoa, Liza's got drama like that? [USA Today]
• Did Paris Hilton punch a girl over Stavros Niarchos? [MSNBC]
• David Blue, the actor who plays Marc's boyfriend on Ugly Betty, was mugged at gunpoint last Friday night. That would never happen to Wilhelmina Slater. [TMZ]
• According to a Swedish skin-care guru, Ricky Martin = gay. [News.com.au]

In yesterday's Los Angeles Times, the awesome Carina Chocano laments the lack of decent female characters in recent comedies and searches for an answer to the issue. "The idea that a girl might play anything other than 'the girl' in a studio comedy is so far out of the mainstream that it's considered an experimental concept, not to mention a major financial risk," Chocano notes. And even more upsetting, she says: "'The girl' and 'the hot girl' have merged to produce a gorgeous, well-meaning, inoffensive love-object devoid of any motivating purpose and quite possibly manufactured in Stepford."

Chocano uses Jezebel obsession Lars and the Real Girl as a major example in her essay. She argues:

"culture has been gerrymandered, labeling as 'male' all movies that don't pander specifically to subjects only women are presumed to care about...The 'likability' of the male hero has become such an imperative in American comedies — even in small, woman-written ones such as 'Lars' — that a movie will sooner make a nice guy out of a dude in love with an anatomically correct Barbie than give us a girl's point of view.

All of which brings me back to Smiley Face. Admittedly it's not the best movie I've ever seen, but Anna Faris's baked-out-of-her-mind facial expressions are worth the price of admission alone. (Though perhaps Faris is not the best lady-in-comedy role model to begin with: she's made her name playing
ditsy blonds and is gearing up to play a a Playboy bunny and a a porn star, but I digress).

Anyway! Back to Smiley Face, which was independently financed, has yet to find a distributor and has only been shown at film festivals (and since the DVD appears to be available in January , it might never get released on the big screen). When I think about my favorite lady comedy moment of the past 15 years, it was in the uber indie Parker Posey movie Party Girl. If the major studios aren't going to finance female driven comedies, writers and directors should look elsewhere for the dough. Any studio comedy with a female protagonist would probably be about recipes and kittens anyway, though I have high hopes for the Amy Poehler/Rachel Dratch/Posey Warner Brothers movie, Spring Breakdown. What forthcoming lady comedies do you have high hopes for?

Film Comedies No Laughing Matter for Actresses [Los Angeles Times]