MEGAN: It is very rare that the news is so full of crap as today, which is why I guess they call Fridays "news dumps." That said, I believe Obama's dump of his advisers' Blago contacts is best represented by this doll which portrays him taking a physical dump. I love this doll. I want one so bad that I actually mentally scrolled through everyone I had ever met — including in Spain in 1995 — to think if there was anyone I could get to buy me one.

SPENCER: Can you summarize the Blago stuff for me? I don't want to read it. Like I really don't care.

MEGAN: Rahm Emanuel called him twice pro forma and everyone is as clean as a whistle. The end. Duh.

SPENCER: I see that even this Weekly Standard writer says, "Yep, not raising any flags for me, either. Now, everybody go on vacation." So is this actually the end or will it go on endlessly like Whitewater?

MEGAN: It will go on endlessly like Whitewater, no doubt. I'm just waiting for someone's cats to disappear or Michelle Obama to be accused of faking someone's suicide. I cannot believe you are ignoring the pooping Obama doll. In other crap, Karl Rove thinks Joe Biden is trying to consolidate power too much. I mean, I just mention it because it seemed like you might need a good laugh. We can stop laughing when Joe Biden gets a man safe, a secret bunker from which he can practice his necromancy and begins to age in reverse, but until then...

SPENCER: Maybe it's because it's Christmas but I can't bring myself to care about a pooping Obama doll. Also can we stop using the word "pooping." What happened to respectable slang terms like "shitting"? "Poop" sounds like something you coo to a baby. It's not like you can't curse on this blog

MEGAN: Shit smells. This is plastic. Ergo, in my mind, it is poop. These things are very strictly delineated in my mind. Also, my parents are walking in and out of the room, so I am apparently unconsciously self-censoring like I did in high school.

SPENCER: What's beautiful about that Rove quote, aside from the hypocrisy — which is pro forma at this point — is his bald assertion that he knows what Biden and Obama talk about. Hilarious. I can't wait for this asshole's book.

MEGAN: I believe we can say "Until he shits out his book," because, man, that's going to reek.

SPENCER: Also, did you catch Jason Linkins' Twitter-meltdown last night? WTF

MEGAN: I will admit something right now that likely makes me a bad friend to Jason. I follow him online but no longer get updates to my phone since he started Twittering football.

SPENCER: Oh I took him off my phone long ago. I have a zero-tolerance policy for over-twitterers.

MEGAN: To make up for that embarrassing admission, I will post what he would have said last Friday had circumstances preventing us from doing Crappy Hour:

Since circumstance robbed us of our Friday Crappy Houring, I wasn't able to say something that I wanted, which was what a highlight of the year it was for me to participate in Crappy Hour, and to thank the jezebel community for their many kindnesses. It was a real honor and a privilege.

SPENCER: And in fairness, I think I might have been live-tweeting that particular Redskins game with him and Greg Greene and Amanda Mattos. AWWWWWW I would say the same thing, but I'm not gay. :)

MEGAN: Aw, you guys.

SPENCER: OK so now to discuss Chris Cox?

MEGAN: Oh, fuck yeah.

SPENCER:

Christopher Cox, the embattled chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission, is defending his restrained approach to the financial crisis, saying he has provided steady leadership as Wall Street's main regulator at a time when other federal regulators have responded precipitously to upheaval in the markets.

This is a great quote:

"What we have done in this current turmoil is stay calm, which has been our greatest contribution — not being impulsive, not changing the rules willy-nilly, but going through a very professional and orderly process that takes into account unintended consequences and gives ample notice to market participants."

Like watching every investment bank it oversees self-destruct?

MEGAN: But that's not his job!!

"The public might not understand that that wasn't the SEC's job," he said, adding that the agency was not responsible for preventing investment banks from collapsing but rather for sheltering their securities trading units from problems in the broader corporation. "The SEC is not a safety and soundness regulator," he said.

I also like this part:

Cox said the biggest mistake of his tenure was agreeing in September to an extraordinary three-week ban on short selling of financial company stocks. But in publicly acknowledging for the first time that this ban was not productive, Cox said he had been under intense pressure from Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson Jr. and Fed Chairman Ben S. Bernanke to take this action and did so reluctantly. They "were of the view that if we did not act and act at that instant, these financial institutions could fail as a result and there would be nothing left to save," Cox said.

Um, hey, asshole? There's a reason why you got a 5-year term instead of a political appointment: so you wouldn't cave to political pressure to do stuff you know if bad.

SPENCER: No one can resist Hank Paulson. That's how you got those hickeys. What would Dennis Prager say?

MEGAN: Dennis Prager would say that Chrissy Cox should just lie down and spread her legs even if she's not in the mood! Which is apparently what Cox did!

It became the agency's responsibility to monitor them for financial and operational weaknesses under a program set up before Cox's tenure, but under his watch they got into such trouble that today they no longer exist as investment banks. Bear Stearns and Lehman Brothers failed, Merrill Lynch had to be taken over, and Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley converted themselves into bank holding companies.

The March collapse of Bear Stearns illustrated an array of agency shortcomings, according to a review by the SEC's inspector general. He concluded that agency officials had been aware of "numerous potential red flags" at Bear Stearns "but did not take actions to limit these risk factors."

"It is undisputable," the inspector general concluded, that the "program failed to carry out its mission in its oversight of Bear Stearns."

SPENCER: That's how Cox thought the country needed to show the markets it loved them

MEGAN: I mean, the problem is that Cox was kind of a slut, he'd just spread 'em for anyone.

Treasury and Fed officials viewed Cox and his staff as nonplayers who had failed to foresee the brewing problems, according to people who were involved in those efforts but spoke on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the matter. They said Cox was often brought in for consultation only after major decisions had been made by Treasury and Fed officials.

Let's just say it: Bush nominated a random conservative Congressman from New Jersey to head the SEC because he didn't want anyone there who was particularly smart, engaged, knowledgeable or into regulating jackshit, and Cox fit the bill because he was a reflexive deregulator. And would get confirmed easily because Congress rarely fails to confirm its own.

SPENCER: Since I am not qualified to talk about what actually happened in the financial crisis I want to remind everyone that Chris Cox has been a conservative darling forever. Here's the American Spectator on who should be McCain's running mate:

Chris Cox: The best choice, bar none. This thoughtful and reform-minded chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission made his name for 16 years as the brainiest and perhaps most principled Reaganite conservative in Congress, as well as one of the best on TV.

MEGAN: I needed a good laugh, thanks. "Reform-minded," meaning, "let's get government out of the way of the markets so they can run the universe and make everything sunshine and rainbows!!"

SPENCER: Here's another such column. And here's Lisa Schiffren of NRO who needs no Prageresque advice when it comes to Cox:

Chris Cox is fabulous. He should be president. The only negative — alas, a big one — is that he has never managed to generate real excitement, even when running what should have been sexy hearings on big issues. He is obviously very smart, and a true policy wonk — the sort of guy who usually runs big, serious, difficult government institutions or departments. Is he a vote getter?

So at least that's fairminded!

MEGAN: "Sexy hearings on big issues?" Because the American public loves a wonk, and particularly the Republican American public. The last eight years have completely proved that. Speaking of, the red states are about to get more Congress members in 2011. California, New York, Massachusetts, New Jersey, Florida and Pennsylvania are gonna lose. Which means: vote in your state elections next year and in 2010!!

SPENCER: Oh beautiful. This will bolster the arguments of all conservatives who don't see themselves leading the GOP into regional-party marginality to push the party rightward. And here I was thinking Afghanistan will doom the Obama administration.

MEGAN: And I was all excited that a judge ordered the release of 4 Gitmo detainees and The Europeans might be willing to accept some Gitmo detainees in resettlements deals. But we should end on a high note. Of the people Bush pardoned for Christmas, one was Charlie Winters, posthumously.

Mr. Winters was among a group of several hundred Americans and Canadians referred to by the Israelis by the Hebrew acronym of “machal,” or “volunteers from outside Israel.” They secretly helped in Israel’s war of independence in 1948, a year after its creation as a Jewish state.

He was an Irish-Catholic from Boston, and never said a word about it to his son. He was also the only one who did any prison time for it.

SPENCER: Yeah I have to give Bush credit for that. Dayenu. What a merry Jewish Christmas.

A very heartfelt thanks to Esquire's James Folta for the news (and picture) of the squatting Obama doll

MEGAN: Morning! How's my favorite sous chef?

SPENCER: It was my friend Sommer's birthday yesterday, and at her party I had to field many a question about peeling testicles and hear about how it was priceless the way I gripped my sink in agony when we filmed that. I think my favorite part of that video is how at one point my dog looks at me — I'd like to think that he's concerned for my well-being but in all likelihood he was trying to catch a stray slice of testicle.

MEGAN: From what I've heard from other dudes, I'm going to guess that only women asked you that, especially given the use of the word "priceless."

SPENCER: No, that's me being hyperbolic. People of both genders practically issued condolences. What's in the news.

MEGAN: Anyway, in the balls department, Obama is apparently arguing with everyone about keeping his Blackberry.

SPENCER: Do you remember back in 2001 when the New York Times ran a trend piece about how there was a racial difference between BlackBerrys and two-way pagers? It never made sense to me, but now we live in an era of BlackBerry domination. Some might say HEGEMONY.

MEGAN: I think they coat the plastic in actual drugs to make it that much more addictive.

SPENCER: Interestingly, something the transition might want to think about are the legal ramifications of keeping an online presence as web 2.0 friendly as Obama's has been and even change.gov is. The Presidential Records Act governs preservation of all that sort of stuff, so could you really have something like my.barackobama.com continuing over into the White House without people's personal stories becoming government property preserved at the National Archives? And if not, what happens to this enormous grassroots political network that won the election for Obama?

MEGAN: I don't mean to be flip about the privacy aspects, but the reality is, how much privacy does anyone really expect these days with stuff they post online? Google, National Archives, does it matter which one it's housed at?

SPENCER: I'm way more concerned about a video of me eating testicles being housed at the National Archives than preserved through GoogleCache. Privacy might not be what it used to be, but a government-owned online cache of people's private moments — even if it's just the stuff they'd embed on a campaign website — is a chilling thing. People's my.barackobama.com pages talk about their personal hardships. What if insurance companies or mortgage brokers or banks or whatever used those government-storehouse records to search for who had what financial or health problem and cross-referenced that with their applicants? That's something you (probably?) can't easily do through GoogleCache. Help me ArsTechnica! This is what I usually rely on my friend Julian Sanchez to inform me about.

MEGAN: I guess that's true, although it seems like there would be a way to keep the specific my.barackobama.com stuff that's already up there separate from things that people add? I don't think there's any doubt that the White House website needs a serious overhaul. Even its search function is terrible — though, all of the search functions across all the agency sites suck that bad, too.

SPENCER: Which raises the next question: how will such a Mac political organization adjust to the PC nature of government? This question will now launch a year's worth of lazy journalistic cliches and it's all my fault.

MEGAN: Hey, there's nothing inherently terrible about a PC, says someone who had to reinstall corrupted MacOS files one at a time on 4 different computers in a previous life But it is interesting because some sort of better web presence seems to be what Obama was hinting at in his Barbara Walters interview last night and the new social secretary, Desirée Rogers said the same thing to the WaPo on Monday.

SPENCER: What did they say? I'm not going to watch a Barbara Walters interview.

MEGAN:

"One of the things that I'm going to have to work through is how to break through the isolation — the bubble that exists around the president. I'm in the process of negotiating with the Secret Service, with lawyers, with White House staff ... to figure out how can I get information from outside of the 10 or 12 people who surround my office in the White House," he said.

Obama said that, on the campaign trail, he had a chance to interact with hundreds of Americans, to hear their stories and connect with them personally. He said the often hermetic environs of the White House sometimes lead presidents to lose touch with their constituents.

"One of the worst things I think that could happen to a president is losing touch with what people are going through day to day ... " he said. "I want to make sure that I keep my finger on the pulse of the struggles that people are going through every day."

There's no way he's talking about e-mail from the world. Which means, like too many of us, Obama reads his comments.

SPENCER: Nah, he just wants you to think he does. Which means he's just like a blogger after all. Okay, clicking through the link I see that interview was entirely useless. Good thing we don't live in times of massive upheaval or we might consider ourselves poorly served by our cadre of celebrity-journalists

MEGAN: Wait, you mean that another story about clothes gifted to Sarah Palin isn't super-important? Man, I wish you'd told me earlier.

SPENCER: HAHAHAHA look at their lede!

Will we ever stop talking about Sarah Palin's clothes?

Of course not! You have no power or agency to stop talking about Sarah Palin's clothes. There is no force on earth that can keep you from discussing these clothes. It's the power of Christ that compels you! The power — of Christ — compels you!

MEGAN: Luckily, I'm an agnostic! So I am exercising my Free Will to talk about pardons — turkeys or John Forte, it's your call.

SPENCER: Wow I have no idea who this guy is. I don't regret my dislike for all post-"Nappy Heads" Fugees. Why can't Bush pardon Slick Rick or get Shyne out from his cell or clear up whether Rick Ross was ever a corrections officer?

MEGAN: Slick Rick didn't go to a fancy private school with Carly Simon's son, and Orrin Hatch is, undoubtedly, not on his side. But what I want to know is what kind of shit lawyer John Forte had that he got 14 years. (Also, kids: if your friend asks you to do something illegal for them, seriously consider whether that is really your friend or not. Friends don't let friends go to the pen for 14 years to save their own hides.)

SPENCER: Oh I see he's claiming that he was carrying drugs for a friend. Sorry. I'd probably claim the same thing.

MEGAN: Yeah, everyone does, it's why it's a crap defense.

SPENCER: But can we get a moratorium on the word "besties"? That's a slang term that has to go.

MEGAN: I like it better than BFF, so, no.

SPENCER: You're like those "Reliable Source" reporters who claim that they have little choice but to report on Palin's clothes! Your options are not limited to "besties" (ugh) or "BFF" (ugh ugh) — create your own terms. This is slang-rap democracy.

MEGAN: Perhaps more up your alley, then would be the unions' shock and awe that the Labor Secretary isn't part of Obama's Economic Team, even though he can't pick one because there's too much infighting amongst unions for them to unite behind a guy.

SPENCER: Right, Labor Secretary. I have to say I wish it was SEIU's Andy Stern. That's big-labor boss-age we can believe in. But former SEIU dude Patrick Gaspard is going to be White House political director, so there's that. Still, what sort of message does it send to millions of working people and union members that you'd announce an economic team without a secretary of labor?

MEGAN: Well, Andy Stern took himself out. But I think it sends the message that the unions don't get to have that much influence on monetary policy (good) and not that much on fiscal policy (probably appropriate) and that the portfolio of the Secretary of Labor will return to overseeing labor conditions and laws in this country, rather than trying to make sure less of us get overtime. Also, I think it's sort of incredibly petty for the unions to criticize Obama for not picking someone yet when all they can do is fight over whether it should be an industrial guy or a services guy and agree that it shouldn't be a politician that might have some actual power and skills at politicking to get stuff done. But that's just me.

SPENCER: What, all the different unions have an obligation to unite around one candidate? that's not true for any other cabinet secretaryship. Why do you hate millions of working Americans?

MEGAN: I'm just saying that if he had picked one over the other, or announced Sebelius or something, they would be criticizing him for that, which is annoying. I hate when people do that.

SPENCER: Life would be more miserable if we didn't complain and criticize.

• Hillary Clinton has not agreed to be Obama's Secretary of State even if she is officially offered it. [Politico]
• She has, however, been asked to head Ted Kennedy's health reform task force next year. [The Hill]
• Mr. Jowls will remain the Chairman of the Committee on Homeland Security. Jane Hamsher and others say, in so many words, fuck that guy. [Politico, Firedoglake, Politico]
• Chuck Norris might be able to defeat ninjas, cowboys and anyone who talks back, but what he's really, really scared of is boys who like to kiss other boys (we assume that, like most raging homophobes, he furiously masturbates to girl-on-girl porn). Chuck Norris, I have watched gay bear porn and survived with nary a scratch. I double dog dare you. [Queerty]

• In the mean time, Eric Holder appears poised to become this country's first African-American attorney general. Some people have their panties all in a bunch that he might or might not have had something to do with the 11th hour pardon of Marc Rich in the Clinton Administration. [Newsweek]
• Beau Biden, on the other hand, will not accept an appointment to his father's Senate seat and will likely deploy to Iraq as planned. [Washington Post]
• Less gracious is outgoing Representative Marilyn Musgrave (R-Colorado) who has yet to officially concede the race she lost in a landslide to Democrat Betsy Markey or thank her staff, but what would you expect from the woman who staked her legislative career on trying to pass a Constitutional amendment to forever prohibit same sex marriage? [Politico]
• Speaking of controversial pardons, apparently Ted Stevens wants one. [Politico]
• Republicans are trying to decide whether to try and trample people's rights in order to regain some semblance of political relevance, or whether they'd like to try doing stuff for the Real Americans they so desperately swear they represent. [Huffington Post]
• Chuck Hagel pretty much said that Rush Limbaugh can go fuck himself during a speech. I say that all the time, Chuck! Want to grab a drink and make fun of him sometime? [CNN]
• Diane Sawyer conducted her interview with Ashley Alexandra Dupre, originally famous for fucking former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer for money, who, if this picture is any guide, will heretofore be known for sneaking into Sarah Palin's tanning beds one too many times and stealing Jane Fonda's steez from 9 to 5. It's unclear whether she actually says anything to make the interview worth watching, but since she's probably not going to dish about whether Spitzer really tried to fuck her up the ass without a condom while wearing his socks and singing show tunes, I'm guessing not. Fine, I never really heard rumors of show tunes. [Huffington Post]

• The U.S. military has announced that it has arrested an al Qaeda figure who helped in the 2006 kidnapping of journalist Jill Carroll. • A black female physician was blocked from seeking a DNA test to prove her direct relation to U.S. founding father James Madison by Madison's recognized/white descendants. • With Proposition 8 looming in CA to ban gay marriage, some Mormons are going on the internet to voice their support for gay marriage. • A new study conducted by an economics professor at UC Berkeley says that economic, environmental, and war-related stress causes pregnant women to release more hormones and give birth to more girls. • The creator of The Secret Life of the American Teenager is upset that a PSA urging parents to discuss sex with their kids is put on at the end of each episode. • Hot Cartoons And The Women Who Could Play Them: Megan Fox as Pocahontas? Really? • Angelica Alfaro defied the odds and stereotypes surrounding children of Mexican immigrants by attending and graduating from a college and not having children. • A guideline for members of district councils in England has cautioned council-members against using phrases like "man on the street" and "manning the switchboard" because they are "offensive" to women. • Rosie Swale Pope, a 61-year-old grandmother in England has just returned from her 5-year, 20,000-mile run around the world. • The president of Afghanistan, Hamid Karzai, has pardoned 3 men accused of brutally gang raping a woman with a bayonet after she complained that they kidnapped her son. •