Jezebel: Pageants

Gay Men Are The Kings Of Beauty Queens

Slut Machine — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 15:30:00 EDT

If you've ever seen the HBO documentary Living Dolls: The Making of a Child Beauty Queen, then you're well aware of how integral gay men are to child beauty pageants in the South, from emceeing, to judging, to coaching, to hair and makeup. They practically run the whole show. But I've always wondered how these guys deal with old Southern values and bigotry, and whether the parents who enter their little girls into these competitions are accepting of homosexuality, or if it's just a case of cognitive dissonance. Today, Radar has a piece about the prominent gay men in the world of Southern pageantry that's eye-opening, but also left me asking more questions. For example, the writer, Lee Bailey, sort of hypothesizes that the glitzy dresses, big hair, and heavy makeup these kids are subjected to aren't so much about the hyper-sexualization of little girls, but rather are an extension of the drag queen culture some of these men have been influenced by.

Michael Galanes, one man interviewed in the piece, says, "People see a four-year-old child in excessive hair and makeup and immediately conclude that that's wrong. But that's a very shallow interpretation. These girls grow, become more articulate, make friends, and come out of their shy shells." Okay, but what about the fact that there are age categories that range from 0 - 18 months, for which infants don hair pieces, blush and stiff, uncomfortable dresses with sharp sparkles and hazardous beading? What shells are they coming out of, besides their embryonic sacks?

He goes on: "If JonBenét had been a Brownie, would the Brownies have gotten all the bad press that pageants did?" Um, the last I recall, Brownies teaches little girls how to help senior citizens, tie knots, sew buttons, and make new friends and keep the old, not how to make the "correct" kind of eye contact with a group of people judging them on the way they stand and smile.

Don't get me wrong: I love exaggerated femininity as much as the next Dolly Parton or Mariah Carey fan, and I more than love documentaries like Living Dolls, and it's great to read something like, "If you're gay and in pageants, it doesn't matter. It's kind of like Hollywood. Sexuality is very accepted in this business." But I also believe that such a look has to be something that is chosen for an individual by that individual, not by their parents or paid consultants, gay or straight.

Queen of Tots [Radar]
Earlier: The Best Child Beauty Pageant Coaches Are Queens

Foreign Affairs

Dodai — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 12:45:00 EDT

The Miss Nyampinga beauty contest, in which students from Rwandan universities and colleges compete, presents a unique challenge in a country ripped apart by genocide. There is tension over defining beauty in Rwanda, reports The Christian Science Monitor. During the 1994 genocide, "the first fact was to see the nose to tell if this is a Tutsi or this is a Hutu," says Cyrille Nshimiyimana, a second-year medical student. Can a beauty pageant help in a country where previously, you could be killed if your nose was too wide? Mr. Nshimiyimana says of the winner: "She must be pretty, in her face and body… She must have small eyes. But we don't look at the nose. Here in Rwanda, we have a problem [with] the nose." The contestants are also all "Milan-model thin," which some students think is not an accurate representation of Rwandan women. We understand their frustration! [Christian Science Monitor]

America has proved once again that its citizens ...

Maria — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 09:45:00 EDT

America has proved once again that its citizens cannot sashay: At yesterday's Miss Universe 2008 pageant, Miss USA, Crystle Stewart, became the second Miss USA contestant in as many years to take a tumble during the eveningwear competition. Stewart, 26, is a motivational speaker from Texas who is currently writing a book and plans to open a character-development school for young children. The pageant's top title went to Miss Venezuela, Dayana Mendoza, who says she is going to use the experience of a recent kidnapping to promote world peace. [CBS News]

Little Beauties, Or, The Making Of A Psychologically Damaged Child

Intern Margaret — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 15:00:00 EDT

Few people appreciate the amount of money and effort it takes to turn an innocent six-year-old girl into a tramped-up pageant queen. Thankfully, the VH1 News documentary Little Beauties: The Ultimate Kiddie Queen Showdown shows pageant moms in a refreshingly sympathetic light. (Shockingly, the program's narrator, "Mr. Tim," best known for announcing at every child beauty pageant worth entering, did not hold his subjects to the highest journalistic scrutiny.) In this clip, learn how to prep a little girl to "strut her stuff" with the ample use of spray tanner and a denture-like "flipper" to cover unsightly gap-toothed little smiles, and why it's wrong for a child to say, "Look Mommy, buh-buh-buh boobies!" but perfectly fine to dress her up like a ho.

Live Bloggin'

Slut Machine — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 17:30:00 EDT

Join us tonight at 9 pm Eastern for our liveblog of the Miss USA pageant. Then on Sunday, at 9 pm Eastern, we're gonna live blog the Rock of Love 2 finale. Who will Bret chose to continue to rock his world!? Only time will tell.

'Miss USA' Marketers: Watch This Pageant Cuz Pretty Chicks Are Idiots!

Dodai — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 12:30:00 EDT

It's taken us a while to get around to this, but the new commercial for the Miss USA pageant — airing on NBC on April 11 — is sort of a mindfuck. Instead of sweeping previous embarrassing moments under the rug, NBC is embracing them and encouraging TV watchers to tune in because they might just see a beautiful woman slip and fall on her ass, or babble on about "the Iraq." Such as. Sure, they use the tagline, "Anything can happen — because it's live", but really, they're gleefully humiliating and mocking the girls who participate as well as their own damn programming. Correct me if I'm wrong. Clip above.

Daily (Hate) Mail

Jessica — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 13:45:00 EDT

Remember Chloe Marshall? The Miss Surrey who is the first size 16 to ever compete in the Miss England Pageant? Well the Daily Mail does its best to try to make Chloe feel bad about her size. Here are some of the choice cuts from Jenny Johnston's gleefully undermining interview with her: "Chloe Marshall and her wobbly bits - of which there are a few...I try hard, shame on me, to get her to admit to some deep-seated loathing about her body - but she simply won't do it...[Later] It transpires that she knows exactly what it feels like to stand in Topshop with your skinny-minny mates, and want to cry." Despite this, Chloe keeps her head held high. "Most people have been lovely, saying, 'You go, girl', but some people have been sniping about how it isn't a good thing that I'm in this competition," she tells Johnston. "That makes me very cross. The whole thing about me being here is that I want to show other teenagers, younger than me, that it's OK to be a bit curvy, because you can still be beautiful." [Daily Mail]

Global Beauty

Dodai — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 09:45:00 EDT

The "Miss Landmine Survivor" pageant will be held April 2nd in Luanda, Angola, reports the BBC. The contest, organized by Angola's de-mining commission, aims not only to give victims confidence, but to raise awareness. Millions of mines were planted in Angola during a 27-year civil war that ended in 2002. Tens of thousands of Angolans have lost limbs or suffered injuries from mines and the UN says that millions of landmines remain hidden in the country. Eighteen women will take part in the pageant: One from every province in the country. All of the contestants have been maimed by mines. [BBC News]

Congratulations to teen Chloe Marshall, who ...

Slut Machine — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 09:45:00 EDT

Congratulations to teen Chloe Marshall, who was just crowned Miss Surrey yesterday! This means that Chloe will be the first ever size 16 female to compete in the finals of the Miss England beauty pageant, which takes place in July. [Daily Mail]

Tyra: Pageant Mom Insults Young Feminist's Love Of A Good Book

Slut Machine — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 19:00:00 EST

Yesterday's Tyra was so good. After a first half that featured the crazies from The Bad Girls Club, she had on two sets of moms and daughters featured on the reality show Wife Swap, one of which identifies with beauty pageant culture, the other with feminism. The daughter who is into pageants? She doesn't do her own homework, know how to spell "America" correctly, and is used to getting a Christmas present every day of her life. As for the other young woman, she decided that, after having to live with the pageant mom for two weeks - -and her insults — she's "proud to be feminist." (Question: Why are pageant people such freaks?!) Clip above.

Crowned: The Sincere Sexy Reds Choke During Show Finale

Slut Machine — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 13:30:00 EST

Between Laura's freakouts and temper tantrums and Patty's puking and love of hamburger meat, the Sincere Sexy Reds are easily the break-out stars of Crowned. They were consistent in their performances during challenges for the whole season — whether it was choreographed aerobic routines or singing at a pitch that only canines could hear — which made them a favorite of the judges. So it was kind of surprising that the Type-A pair totally choked under the pressure of the final competition, coming in fourth place last night. Clip above.

Miss America 2008: Paris Hilton Is The New "World Peace"

Slut Machine — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 14:00:00 EST

This year, the Miss America pageant was given a "modern makeover," wherein the newly crowned young lady wouldn't be considered less of a "beauty queen" and more of an "it girl." Included in the modernization were bluejeans on stage, an absence of choreographed group dance numbers, a reality show tie-in, and a new format for the final question segment. Traditionally the judges ask the final questions, but this year they were asked by "people on the street" (which, in this case, wasthe Vegas strip) in pre-taped segments. Almost all of the questions involved either Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Jamie Lynn or Britney Spears. And even when the questions didn't, the contestants made sure to name-check them in their answers. (The young woman who actually won answered a question about AIDS.) Clip above.

Earlier: God Save The Beauty Queen: Live Blogging Miss America 2008

God Save The Beauty Queen: Live Blogging Miss America 2008

Slut Machine — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 21:05:50 EST

Did you know that the Miss America pageant this year was advertised as the finale to the TLC reality show Miss America Reality Check, rather than as the iconic, needless pageant? Me neither until tonight. I would protest and burn my bra, but I don't wear one when I blog. Is anyone else home on Saturday night watching this thing? Anyway, let's get it started.

8:03 I watched about 3 minutes of that Miss America Reality Check show, but it was about as confusing to me as why children in American classrooms don't have maps so I gave up on it. I'm going into this thing completely unbiased.

8:04 UGH! Miss One of the Dakotas and that accent!

8:07 So I guess that they're wearing jeans as part of modern make over the pageant was given. DO NOT WANT. To quote Robin Browne, "I like the trash and flash." Gimme gimme more sequins, please

8:08: Miss Wisconsin: "The state where cheese is not only a diary product, it is also a fashion accessory." It also works its way into on-stage introductions, evidently.

8:11 Ooh! I like this sort of walk/dance thing they're doing. Is there going to be a big choreographed number? I hope! Please! Also, I'd appreciate it if someone fell or something.

8:12 Oh shit! Mark Steines is married to a former Miss America? How fitting, considering he's pretty much the human equivalent of Guy Smiley.

8:14 OK, now that it's a commercial, let's have a little history lesson. I know I mentioned bra burning before, but no one at the infamous 1968 Miss America protest in Atlantic City burned their bras. It was actually a rumor spread by a Ms. editor. Some of the women did take off their bras and throw them out though. Liberation starts with your boobs.

8:17 Ha! Justin Timberlake's friend and sometime personal assistant is who they got to judge this thing?

8:22 I am so sick of girls in pageants (or reality show competitions) talking about how Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are bad role models, and how they think girls need to have a good role model to look up to. Did anyone ever think that Paris and LiLo were good role models? And if they did, then they sure as hell won't want to look up to the likes of any of the Miss America contestants, seeing as how those women not only wear underpants, but also glue it to their ass cheeks so they don't get wedgies.

8:26 So apparently the general public was able to vote one of the semi-finalists in, which turns out to be Miss Utah. You know that if she wins, I'm going to have to refer to her as Miss American Idol.

8:28 OK, so let's get a "fierce" count started. That's 1 so far. Oh, well I like that he just gave them some carbs. That's kind of cute. I'm hungry.

8:30 God damn it, is anyone else not liking this whole "let's wear jeans" thing? If I don't see sequins and lace and Swarovski crystals soon, I'll be really pissed the fuck off.

8:31 I'm bored. I am going to get stoned. Right. Now.

8:33 The swimsuit competition is meant to emphasize the importance of fitness and health? I thought it was supposed to emphasize the importance of tits and ass.

8:35 I thought they did away with wearing high heels during the swimsuit competition a few years ago. Am I wrong? I mean, it's totally fitting, considering they're in Vegas. Heels and a bikini totally seem like Vegas style. Being barefoot is totally an Atlantic City thing.

8:38 Miss South Carolina has a bangin' bod. How many of these girls do you think have implants? I would say at least half of the 16 semi-finalists. I really, really don't like this Top Model rip off runway walk thing.

8:41 Ooh, Miss Florida just gave a lil' something extra there. It was like she rubber necked with her whole body.

8:42 Miss Utah is in a one piece? What does she have to hide?! OMG, that little dance at the end was kinda awesome.

8:43 I've never watched What Not to Wear, but I like that this guy just dissed the whole audience for having bad style. It's funny 'cause it's true.

8:51 What the shit is this fuck? I hate these boring black dresses!

8:52 Oh, I'm sad to see Miss Utah go. I liked that little push-up stunt.

8:55 I prefer the dresses in the old footage they're showing like 50 million times better.

8:57 OMG, Paige Page is back on Trading Spaces? I'm gonna watch.

9:01 In other news, my friend Rich left this lighter at my house. I love it. I'm using it right now. You can't tell from that photo, but she has crispy hair.

9:03: Yay! Shiny dresses!!!!

9:04 Miss Michigan's dress looks like a cross between an ice skater and a stripper. It's perfect.

9:07 As Mando323 noted, this is not campy enough. For real.

9:13 This chick singing "Over the Rainbow" sucks.

9:15 Hahahahahahahaahaha. I like this opera girl.

9:22 I really like that there was a baton twirler. That was Suzanne Sugarbaker's talent.

9:37 They're eliminating the girls in a really weird way. Also, I'm sick of singers for talent. I want a magician or something.

9:29 I never knew there was such a thing as "jazz on point." It kinda reminds me of that movie Centerstage when they try to make ballet cool and dance to a Jamiroquai song. God, I love that movie. There was only one gay guy in the whole ballet school!

9:38 Nice little Planet Hollywood commercial the girls just did there.

9:43 What the eff is this new format where girls have to jump at the question in order to answer it? That makes it a little exciting. Maybe.

9:44 Miss Virginia just choked on that question about celebrities and religion.

9:45 Hahahaha. "This is the Paris Hilton question." I love that she is like a category of questions.

9:46 And Lindsay Lohan!!!!! Ha!

9:37 And a Jamie Lynn Spears question. Christ almighty!

9:56 I don't like that the finalists aren't wearing their state sashes because I can't remember who's who.

9:58 Miss Michigan, the girl with the perfect dress won. Pinning on her crown is taking way too long.

10:00 So that's it. No one fell. No one answered a question dreadfully incompetently. No one's boobs popped out. Boring.

Crowned: The Women Get Ugly, Stupid, And Puke-y

Slut Machine — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 19:00:00 EST

Last night on Crowned, we came dangerously close to losing the Sincere Sexy Reds. Could you imagine how suckass next week's big, studio audience finale would have been without them? Anyway, last night they did not disappoint: Laura got bitchy and essentially called the other girls ugly, then cried later on when she realized she might be stupid. But best of all, the ladies of the house threw a cocktail party, and Patty had one too many and ralphed while sitting in a white chair. Clip above.

Miss America Contestants Continue To Shock & Awe Us With Their "Talents"

Jennifer — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 17:00:00 EST

The Miss America preliminaries continued today, with another batch of girls performing their talents for whoever the hell judges these things. Alas, there was no baton-twirling. Or Marie Osmond-esque doll-dancing. But there was a whole lotta other kinds of dancing (and if you ask us, a lot of it looked like stripping. In pointe shoes.) Dodai and I continue to comment on this year's contestants in an annotated gallery that begins after the jump.

(Click on any image to begin viewing gallery)

Earlier: Miss America Contestants Stun Us With Their Talents

[Las Vegas, Nevada; January 24. Images via Splash.]

More pageant hijinks! Jessica Wittenbrink's ...

Jessica — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 09:45:00 EST

More pageant hijinks! Jessica Wittenbrink's $3,400 gown was vandalized during the Miss South Florida Fair pageant. Perhaps sabotage paves the way for success, because Wittenbrink, like the pepper-sprayed Miss Puerto Rico, went on to win the Miss South Florida crown. (And appear on the Today Show this morning). The Palm Beach County sheriff says there is not enough conclusive evidence to to nab a suspect at this time. [UPI]

Crowned: Pageant Losers Run Away From Bedazzled Scissors

Slut Machine — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 17:30:00 EST

We always thought that beauty queens took pageants so seriously that the rituals and rigamarole involved were treated as sacred. But perhaps that doesn't count for pageants on reality shows like Crowned. Not to be too much of a cheeseball (is that even possible in comparison to this show?), but it turns out that the team Beauty Is Skin Deep was aptly named. Mother and daughter team Angela and Tenia have pretty much been mean jerks the whole time in the house, loudly mocking the other contestants' physical attributes and lack of money. Last night, when Beauty Is Skin Deep was eliminated, they turned up their noses at the notion at having to de-sash themselves with the bedazzled scissors — even though every other team has — saying they wouldn't participate because they were "forever beauty queens." "Forever assholes" is more like it.

Meet the Smoking Gun-crowned Miss Mug Shot ...

Jessica — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 12:45:00 EST

Meet the Smoking Gun-crowned Miss Mug Shot Florida! This lady has been arrested five times in the past 14 months, and each one of her mug shots is prettier than the last one. Now the real question: is Miss Mug Shot's perp photo better than drunkest drunk lady and former country music video star Meagan Harper's beauty shot? We smell a prison pageant in the works! [The Smoking Gun]

An observant shopper tipped us off to this ...

Slut Machine — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 13:50:00 EST

An observant shopper tipped us off to this T-shirt, inspired by our gal Lauren Caitlin Upton, Miss Teen South Carolina, and her answer to a question about maps. And in case you forgot, here's it is transcribed: "I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps and I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and The Iraq everywhere like such as and I believe that they should our education over here in the US should help the US or should help South Africa and should help The Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our children." [Busted Tees]

The Best Child Beauty Pageant Coaches Are Queens

Slut Machine — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 19:00:00 EST

When we posted a clip on Christmas Eve of Swan Brooner from Living Dolls: The Making of a Child Beauty Queen, we were psyched to see you guys were as enthusiastic about this documentary as we are. We love it — like, psychotically. We figured we'd give you another taste, this time, a clip of Shane King and Michael Butler, "business" partners who run a pageant coaching service providing choreography, hair, makeup, and glamour shots. Or, as they put it, they take "an ugly girl and make her look beautiful." It's kinda hard to choose which is more awesome: Shane's dance routine or when the mother, who looks like she got her hair cut by Edward Scissorhands, describes her relationship with her 5-year-old son as "wearing him like wet underwear," and then ponders the financial decision of keeping her boy in beauty pageants or getting him Human Growth Hormone.

It's kind of amazing how these women will invest thousands of dollars and countless hours on whoring up their pre-schoolers, but don't bother to touch up their own roots or find a flattering outfit. It's like they are living so vicariously through their children that they forgot they even had bodies.

Earlier: Swan Brooner: Child Beauty Queen, Not-So-Merry "Holiday Barbie"

Crowned: Sincere Sexy Reds Get Raw Over Uncooked Chicken

Slut Machine — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 11:00:00 EST

The Sincere Sexy Reds on Crowned are endlessly fascinating. They sing! They dance! They insult! Mama loves her hamburger meat! So maybe that's why she didn't know how to prepare raw chicken when her daughter Laura asked her to make her something to eat. When Laura rudely criticized her mom for not knowing how to turn on an oven — even though Laura herself didn't know how to do so — we finally saw Mama Patty's Southern charm dissolve as she gave her daughter the talking to she deserved. (Loved when she pulled her lip gloss out of her cleavage when she was done. )But despite any turmoil in the house, or between each other, the SSRs always manage to turn it out during show time, winning this week's talent competition.

Miss France Feels Heat; Miss USA The Next James Frey

Jennifer — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 14:00:00 EST

Pageant contestants never cease to be reliable sources of diva debauchery/ inevitable redemption. The latest tale of beauty queens gone wild comes courtesy of Miss France, 22-year old Valerie Begue. Having just won her title three weeks ago, Begue is battling criticism following the release of the inevitable "sexy" photos making their way around the Internets. (One photo, oddly enough, features Begue "licking what appeared to be yogurt or evaporated milk." Shades of Miss New Jersey!) Perhaps she could use some advice from former Miss USA Tara Conner? Conner, who, in 2006, was caught doing lines and chugging 40's like it was nobody's business and given a "second chance" by Miss USA pageant-owner Trump, has just signed a lucrative book deal for a memoir on her time in rehab, she announced this morning.

At this point, we hope that Ms. Conner and Ms. Begue both learn a thing or two from those most notorious of shamed pageant queens and "memoirists": Vanessa Williams and James Frey. Because not only can losing a pageant title can be the ticket to a successful career in pop music and television, making shit up in a non-fiction memoir will get you an even bigger book deal the next time around!

Miss France Keeps Title Despite Photos [Yahoo]

Tara Conner To Write Memoir Of Her Rehab Experience [People]

Earlier: Miss New Jersey's Raunchy Photos Revealed At Last

Swan Brooner: Child Beauty Queen, Not-So-Merry "Holiday Barbie"

Slut Machine — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 11:00:00 EST

The Christmas season is supposed to be a happy time for kids who are looking forward to an orgy of toys, sweets, and time off from school. But for some kids, there are much more important matters at hand this time of year; ones that carry grave consequences — like fucking up your modeling in the Christmaswear competition in the America's Most Gorgeous Girls Mini-national Pageant after your mother worked 'round the clock for weeks on your costume, left her 2-year-old baby, teenage daughter and juvenile delinquent son in the care of her creepy older boyfriend, and invested thousands of dollars the family doesn't have to make her dream come true for you. Such is the case in this clip with 5-year-old Swan Brooner, as depicted in the 2001 documentary Living Dolls: The Making of a Child Beauty Queen.

Not long after the documentary aired on HBO, Swan's mother Robin Browne died of a heart attack. Swan stopped doing pageants, and she and her little brother moved to Alaska to be with her dad. Then last year, he died, leaving 13-year-old Swan and her brother Devon orphaned. According to the Living Dolls Wikipedia page, Swan now lives with her older sister Silva.

Related: Give It Up For Swan Brooner [FourFour]

Crowned: The "Sincere Sexy Reds" Are Unintentionally Hilarious

Slut Machine — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 17:30:00 EST

Last night on Crowned, the lines were drawn between "positivity and negativity." That just means that two cliques — essentially the mean girls and nice girls — were recognized. On the negative side are Patty and Laura, the team formally known as the "Red Bombshells" but now going by "Sincere Sexy Reds". Seriously, they're really our faves. With their energy, possible shared eating disorder, mockery of other contestants, and the way they speak, move and blink, they're like cartoon characters! In the clip above, watch as they join forces with another "negative" team to talk shit on one team for having ugly noses. Afterwards, the pair perform an aerobics routine choreographed by Laura, for which Patty inexplicably seems to be holding her cheeks the whole time. Also: Doesn't Patty remind you just a little of Mona from Who's the Boss?

From the Slate review of Crowned: "Some ...

Jessica — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 14:45:00 EST

From the Slate review of Crowned: "Some were veterans of the tiara circuit, and others were rank amateurs, and most were wearing too much blush. Their universe is gynocentric and homosocial." [Slate]

Crowned: We'll Let Beauty Queens Replace Top Models For Now

Slut Machine — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 19:00:00 EST

When the most recent season of ANTM ended last night, we were afraid there wouldn't be anything to fill the hole left in our hearts that we reserve for campy, beauty-based elimination reality shows — until 30 seconds later when Crowned premiered. On the show, mother/daughter pageant queen teams share a house and compete — in front of a panel that consists of Carson Kressley, Shanna Moakler, and some lady that is not Beverly Johnson — to win a grand prize of $100,000. At the end of each episode, a team is "de-sashed" ceremoniously with a pair of jewel-encrusted scissors. It's really kind of awesome. The teams don't disappoint, either. They're totally a bunch of characters. In the clip above, get a load of standouts Lauren and her mom Patty... who might just have a shared eating disorder.

Mothers Who Enter Their Daughters In Beauty Pageants Are A Special Breed

Slut Machine — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 14:30:00 EST

The worst part about child beauty pageants aren't the whored-up little girls—it's the moms who do it to them. The best part about child beauty pageants are the titles that are given out, like "Star National Star Grande Supreme," and the names of the actual pageants. On the E! special Pageant Moms Unleashed, little girls (and their moms) competed in the Magical Dream World Pageant, which sounds like it should be comprised of sugar and spice and things that are nice, but, uh, no. In fact, it's held in the conference room of some cheap hotel, on a stage that's made of two by fours covered in flame-retardant carpet. In the clip above, a gay man with manicured eyebrows named Mr. Mykel coaches a group of little girls into "winning" mediocre titles in the event, and a group of moms rip apart another little girl's "performance." They didn't like her beauty. Yeah, they really said that.

Shrinking Violets Have Shrinking Life-Spans

amparry — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 17:30:00 EDT

A new study indicates that women who keep quiet during marital disputes have an increased risk of dying from heart disease compared to women who speak their minds. Oh Katie, you're so doomed. [LA Times]
Thinking about getting pregnant? Want a baby girl? Get stressed. Want a baby boy? Get fat. [DailyMail, ScienceDaily]
Nearly 96% of all women and girls in Egypt are subjected to some form genital mutilation. Though the country's Health Ministry outlawed the practice over a decade ago, they created a massive loophole for "emergencies". [NY Times]
Cervarix, HPV vaccine alternative to Gardasil, has been approved for sale across the European Union. Hopefully the US will be next, as Cervarix is available for women above the age of 27, unlike Gardasil. [Wall Street Journal]

We didn't realize stuffing ourselves with burgers, beer, and mac 'n' cheese on the weekends and then fasting during the work week had a name but apparently "Alternate-Day Fasting" is a major diet trend. [Science Daily]
We knew it — Britney sucks as a mom because she lacks the super important Mommy Gene. Too bad she also lacks the "Smart Enough to Wear a Condom" gene too. [Science Daily]
So, if you don't drink much milk, your chances of getting osteoporosis (i.e. brittle bones) greatly increases. However, if you're not a milk drinker, you're probably also a bit of a fatty, which also protects you against bone loss? [Reuters]

The 'Other' Miss South Carolina Story, Or, Being Smart Will Get You Nowhere In This Life Exhibit LMVXI

Moe — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 09:30:01 EDT

You know how Miss America bills itself as a "scholarship program", which is why no one watches it and it has had to change locations and television networks approximately 37 times in the past three years? Well no one encapsulates this sad dilemma with more talent and poise than Miss South Carolina! Unlike certain other females with that particular bullet point on their resumes, this one is not blonde/braindead. She got into Wharton! And I hate the concept of business school more than, like, anything, but even I would be the first to say "being a viral marketing sensation on Youtube" is not going to get you a past the first round of interviews. Anyway, Miss South Carolina was supposed to get $20,000 for her studies from the Miss America organization, which will buy you about a week at Wharton but whatevs it's the thought that counts, but Miss America has no money and never coughed it up.

Anyway, we found it sad — if not surprising — that focusing on talent and service and "scholarship" just won't cut it in an "Age of Love" society, so we actually found a Jezebel correspondent to tune into the pageant on Friday while we were drinking, just to show our support for this dying breed of classy gals who manage to combine beauty AND really nebulous "talents." Her dispatches:

OMG they just had a "costume" competition, and there was:

1. A stalk of corn

2. A grizzly bear

3. Seven million pretty offensive interpretations of slutty native Americans

and so so much more.

Twenty minutes later..

swear to God that competitions include:

1. Fastest diaper changing.

2. Taking your makeup off.

3. Taking a tequila shot.

Sweet jesus.

At which point we thought, Miss America has never been so awesome! And then we realized everyone was drunk and it was Mrs. America that was airing and Miss South Carolina should probably just get married because that's what sells pharmaceutical advertising these days.

Winners Cite Broken Promises In Pageants [NY Times]