Obviously, Heidi is not pregnant, and this is all just contrived drama for the show. Still, it's kinda fun thinking about the possibility of a Pratt brat with an Oedipus complex.

In other news, Kristin went to Vegas with Stacie-The-Bartender to get away from the guys in L.A. However, she discovered that douchiness is not specific to any one city, and was not impressed with the guys she met on her trip.


So she called JustinBobby, and he drove down to Vegas to take a shower.


JustinBobby made a very astute observation when he said, "Everything happens for a reason." (He means that everything happens because the producers tell them what they should do, right?) He, Kristin, and Stacie-The-Bartender all went to a strip club, where Kristin and STB made out.


The next morning, Kristin and JustinBobby discussed the events at the strip club, however, most of it was censored out, and it's incredibly difficult to infer what transpired. From what I can deduce, one of two things happened: A stripper took a shit on Kristin or a stripper went down on Kristin.

Clearly, the most contrived storyline is Heidi and Spencer's: it's like an art form of its own at this point, in which the creation of "problems" in their marriage seems to uncover actual problems. For instance: Heidi's baby fever (in the previous clip) is obviously a gimmick, but you can see her getting confused about the blurred lines of reality.

Then there's Jayde Nicole. She's become a celebrity in her own right, making it into gossip columns for her temper and her physical and legal fight with Joe Francis. Last week, she slapped Kristin, which given Jayde's history (and the fact that the cameras catching the drama were hand-held and not set up on a tripod), suggests that the event was from the heart, and not from the minds of producers. This meet-up with Kristin however, was strictly orchestrated. Judge Judy would not approve of going to talk to someone who assaulted you about how you hate them.


I find Jayde to be the best possible addition to this show, as she appears to be a bit unhinged, making her a perfect candidate for reality television. Maybe The Hills will stop being so boring. But who am I kidding? I'd still watch it, even if the entire 30 minutes was spent on JustinBobby picking his toes.

Of course, the doctor's appointment was really just a (fake) consultation, and Spencer didn't go through with it. What's the deal with his mustachioed friend Charlie? Why has he been cast in the Fred Mertz role?


Brody's girlfriend Jayde solidified her rep as a belligerent, violent shit-stirrer by rounding up her posse and getting in Kristin's face.


And now for fashion and chivalry with JustinBobby.


Are charm bracelets and Members Only jackets without shirts the new black?

Remember her? She was friends with Lauren in high school, and then, after Lauren gave her a diamond bracelet for her birthday, she boinked Brody, even though Lauren was sorta kinda dating him. That dramz was the first conflict that Lauren had with Spencer, since he set Jen and Brody up. So Jen was a catalyst in the whole Lauren/Spencer war. Well, not really a catalyst, since she actually changed a lot with the help of a colorist and plastic surgeon.


I have to say that the puppies that Spencer bought Heidi for her birthday are incredibly cute.


I love Lo's response to Audrina's bullshit drama.


I also love that JustinBobby claims to be super into Kristin, yet he thinks her name is Kirsten.

Stephanie's approach to the intervention was interesting...


...and not at all successful. I love how she says "don't bullshit a bullshitter," because that's what Anna Nicole said to her cousin Shelly in the Christmas special episode of her reality show.


Jayde and Brody are working hard for their own story line. BTW, in case you didn't know, "yelling" = "angrily talking."


Is that Joe Francis in the scene? I guess they were friends before all the assault charges and lawsuits.

BTW, Tom Green doesn't warrant an identifying caption on MTV anymore? The least they could've done was put something Hills-y there like, "Tom, Brent's Friend."


At the intervention, Holly ordered herself a giant margarita on the rocks. Can you blame her? Besides, I still think that Spencer was the most embarrassing person at that party, considering his hat. However, I do think he's being incredibly nice and understanding here, and actually is making some sense.


Next week on The Hills, Jayde reveals her Canadian roots.

Spencer kept up his Mr. Wilson subplot with Enzo the Menace.


Check out JustinBobby's ink. It's like "Thug Life" for soccer fans.


BTW, Brody was turning 26, not 6.


I liked his balloons though.

Last week, when Heidi Montag guest co-hosted The View, she discussed her desire to have children and Spencer's desire to remain childless. Little Enzo is supposed to provide some kind of comic relief in the situation, but it kind of just comes off as one of those desperate casting decisions to boost ratings by adding a young kid (e.g. Olivia on The Cosby Show, Oliver on The Brady Bunch, and Chrissy Seaver (who aged six years in between seasons) of Growing Pains).


Spencer's sister Stephanie had the most intelligent statement of the entire series so far when she advised Heidi to not try to fix problems in her marriage by bringing a baby into it.

OK, so in the first scene, Audrina, Lo and Stephanie are talking about how they're going to go to Heidi and Spencer's "welcome back" party. Steph obviously has her new nose here.


See?


However, at the party, she has her old nose.


In her next scene, she's talking to Audrina about the events of the party, and she has her new nose again.


But then at Frankie's birthday party, her old nose returns.


BTW, how old was Frankie turning? 48?


After Frankie's party, Stephanie's new nose again, on the scene.


But only time will tell if it will stay.

Both in the trailer for the upcoming season of The Hills (which premieres September 29) and additional advertising spots, Kristin has been billed as "the bitch," literally, in this marquee style ad:

For her part, Kristin says she believes that people use the term refer to women who speak their minds, so she doesn't mind it all that much.

Also, there is mention of wanting to put Holly Montag in rehab, and Kristin hardcore Frenches JustinBobby. I kind of love Kristin. I like that she says "dude" a lot, and I like that she made fun of Brody Jenner's sex skills. Seriously, thank God Lauren's gone.

We wonder if she was violating any confidentiality agreements she might have with producers of the show, who still have some people believing the "reality" aspect of it. She said she didn't even know about the apology (or rather, "the phone call") until she saw the episode. Re-watching that clip, we're wondering what the producers were saying to her for her filmed phone scene to make it look like she was actually speaking to Spencer.

Earlier: Spencer Apologizes To Lauren For Sex-Tape Rumor

But even though he's now "mature," he's still a dick about it.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, "The Bitch" is Kristin Cavallari, who showed up bra-less to Heidi's wedding. She's also making a move for JustinBobby, according to this preview:

This picture of Heidi and Spencer is on MTV's homepage today. He's wearing more makeup than his wife and looks like he could be a member of Dead or Alive.

P.S. Nobody can blame their own ineptitude on Kelly Cutrone.

Previously, it was thought that this would be the final season of The Hills, due to Lauren Conrad's departure, but since MTV doesn't really have any other big hits, Kristin Cavallari — Lauren's onetime nemesis from Laguna Beach — will be stepping in, although it's not clear if she will be narrating the episodes. Apparently the cast is happy to have Kristin, according to Kristin. She said, "I've been getting phone calls."

Last night, during the show, MTV aired a kind of farewell commercial, announcing Lauren's final two episodes. One of them will involve a phone call from Spencer, and another one will most likely involve Lauren attending the couple's wedding.