Osama Has Message For Obama

Osama Bin Laden released a new tape on September 13th, explaining the 9/11 attacks and offering suggestions for how the US and Al Qaeda can work toward a solution. Problem is we've heard it all before... in 2002. [NY Times]
Iranians Continue To Protest Election, American Pols Continue To Bloviate
- Iran's Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has told supposedly-defeated candidate Mir Hussein Moussavi to pursue his complaints about election irregularities "calmly," while Iranians continued to march in the streets, more leaders declared the elections invalid and forces continued arresting people. [NY Times]
Wanda Sykes Kills, Republicans Rage & Osama Hides
- Wanda Sykes' White House Correspondents' Dinner performance was pretty funny , but some conservatives, including Meghan McCain, aren't laughing because they're too busy feigning outrage for the cameras. [C-SPAN, ABC News, NY Daily News]
Debate Redux: "That One" Won And That Other One Didn't
Surprise Al Qaeda Endorsement On Debate's Eve
- The original terrorist — not the fist bumping kind — knows who he wants us to elect. Surprise! It's John McCain. [US News & World Report]
- That might be because he escaped us at least twice by going into Pakistan and because our troops weren't allowed to walk into Pakistan, and John McCain plans to continue that…
Republicans Know How To Showcase Diversity
- The Republican National Committee has finally released its speaker line-up for the convention, which McCain spokesman Rick Davis says is designed "to showcase the 'diversity' of the Republican Party." [HuffPo]
- Which is why the line-up is 75% male and 86% white. "Diversity." [Washington Post]
- John McCain's doesn't…
Assassination, Impeachment and Prison Sentences
- Raymond Hunter Geisel (no relation to the awesomest Geisel ever) was arrested in Florida today for threatening to assassinate Barack Obama. One nutjob down, too many to go. [Politico]
- A President is going to get impeached! No, not ours. Pakistan's own Uncle Pervy. [HuffPo]
- Salim Hamdan, convicted earlier this week of…
Smacked Down, Put That Baby Down
- Victoria Osteen, wife of megachurch pastor Joel Osteen, is in court today facing a lawsuit that her "on-board temper tantrum caused the [flight attendant Sharon Brown] to lose her religious faith and suffer a flare-up of hemorrhoids." Osteen was reportedly trying to get a spill on her first-class armrest wiped up and…
Dear Gitmo Residents, How About We Wake You Up When This Jeremiah Wright Crap Is Over?
Dear Osama Bin Laden's former driver Salim Hamdan: you had the right idea, sleeping through your court appearance this morning. Seven years you've resided in Guantanamo, yet somehow the Pyrrhic victories you score against the idiocracy do not cease. You won a Supreme Court case against one of the most loathed men in…
Bill Richardson Loves The Muslimy Muslim From Muslimstan
Hey look! It turns out that whole time Bill Richardson was poking little rhetorical holes in Barack Obama's record, he was actually in the back of his mind thinking, "Wow, America, if you listen to all this "experience" bullshit, you're spoiling a ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME CHANCE." A once-in-a-lifetime chance to elect a …
Hillary Was In The Next Room While Monica Blew Bill!
You knew the universe was absurd. But did you know Hillary was in the White House the whole time Monica was blowing Bill? (Well, by now, probably!) Or...that the appropriate response to a cartoon defiling your favorite prophet as a bloodthirsty murderer is to plot to murder the cartoonist? That linking Mohammed to…
Osama Bin Laden's Peaceloving Eurohippie Son Is Probably Not Bad In The Sack
Osama Bin Laden turns out to have a real-life dreadlocked Eurotrash-looking hippie for an estranged son, and he's organizing, like... a horse race for peace? Or something along those highly pragmatic, Realpolitik lines. Trained in Al Qaeda camps in Afghanistan from a tender age, Omar Osama Bin Laden loves Phish,…
Britney Is Sober; Pentagon, Democrats And Eyesore Casino Town Scramble To Fill National Embarrassment Void
Britney Spears passed a drug test, making her officially temporarily boring, an occasion TMZ today marked by posting in one of its nineteen required daily Brit posts the sentence "Blah blah, phone, gum, paps, blah, ding dang, blah, fans, cops, escort, blah y'all." (Blahblah = the new Dada! Or something.) Anyway, fear…
What Do You Fear Most About The Terrorists Winning?
In just four days, Osama Bin Laden is going to interrupt Fashion Week to address the nation, which reminded me of a personal obsession of mine: imagining how I would cope if the terrorists really won and America became an Islamic theocracy. I actually think about this every time I have sex — specifically I think, "If…
