• Iran's Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has told supposedly-defeated candidate Mir Hussein Moussavi to pursue his complaints about election irregularities "calmly," while Iranians continued to march in the streets, more leaders declared the elections invalid and forces continued arresting people. [NY Times]

• Elsewhere in the world, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has conditionally agreed to the establishment of a Palestinian state, though he has no plans to stop further settlements, which complicates matters. [Reuters]
• Oh, hey, that bin Laden guy is still in Pakistan, says the CIA, not that it plans on doing much about that. [Breitbart]
• CIA Chief Leon Panetta thinks Dick Cheney wants someone to attack the U.S. just so he can say, "I told you so." No shit, Sherlock. [Reuters]
• Four of the Chinese Uighurs we imprisoned without cause in Guantanamo for years are now in Bermuda and loving it. [NY Times]
• We're apparently letting neo-Nazis is the U.S. Army now? [Salon]
• The Obama Administration has decided to mount a vociferous defense of the Defense of Marriage Act, and to fool people into thinking that it "has" to for anything other than craven pandering to conservatives. [AmericaBlog]
• Obama might also impose taxes on health insurance to pay for his health care plans - just like John McCain planned to do - because conservatives hate budget deficits that aren't their own. [Washington Post]
• But we're finally going to start regulating tobacco. [Washington Post]

• Wanda Sykes' White House Correspondents' Dinner performance was pretty funny , but some conservatives, including Meghan McCain, aren't laughing because they're too busy feigning outrage for the cameras. [C-SPAN, ABC News, NY Daily News]

• Dick Cheney continues to hone his own special brand of performance art; now he's claiming that Colin Powell is less worthy of attention than Rush Limbaugh and the U.S. should just keep on torturing people. [Associated Press]
• Nancy Pelosi continues to deny that she knew a thing about waterboarding, let alone signed off on it, but it turns out her top aide was specifically briefed on it before she signed off on a letter to the CIA opposing it. [Politico, Washington Post]
• Obama's going to have a meeting today where health insurance companies will totally promise to raise your rates by 1.5% less next year. For most people, this means they'll be jacking up their prices by 4 times the rate of inflation rather than 5, co congratufuckinglations. [Associated Press]
• John Edwards' staffers say now that they planned to sabotage his campaign if he looked to be winning the primaries. [ABC News]
• Joe Biden's a busy guy, having now added advising Obama on potential Supreme Court nominees to his resume. [Washington Post]
• Defense Secretary Robert Gates' plan to shift 10 percent of military spending to items our troops currently need to protect their lives in Iraq and Afghanistan is facing opposition from Republicans who want to make sure that whatever soldiers survive our current wars without armored vehicles and medical transport helicopters have big tanks and airplanes with which to invade China and Russia. [NY Times]
• John McCain believes that the military's Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy is working just fine at weeding out the dreaded gays from its ranks. Who needs a cunning linguist in the military, anyway? [ThinkProgress]
• No one knows where in the world Osama bin Laden or Carmen Sandiego can be found. (Carmen's probably easier to find). [Associated Press]

STEVE: Shalom and here we go. It won't be the first time I've talked about something I didn't actually see.

MEGAN: Well, you saw it but in true Jezebel fashion, you saw it intoxicated. This is the first one I actually watched stone-cold sober because I couldn't stop typing long enough to drink the bottle of wine I opened.

STEVE: My insights are admittedly influenced by the haze of a nice, Australian Cabernet-Shiraz blend. Yes, "that one."

MEGAN: So you do remember some things! But, basically, Obama won and nobody asked anything that wasn't pre-screened because they didn't want to get yelled at by Tom Brokaw like he kept yelling at Obama and McCain.

STEVE: Yes, I remember mostly the focus group that Katie Couric did after, and the undecidededs didn't like "that one" very well. Maybe, as Maureen posited this morning, it was a cross between "the one" and "that woman," but it seemed dismissive and odd.

MEGAN: I mean, it's actually something you say to, like, your kids, isn't it? I thought it was very infantilizing.

STEVE: I wouldn't know about kids, but my friend Suzanne is here and says she'd never really talk to her kids like that. I would, however, sometimes talk to a boyfriend like that. And that's not a good sign.

MEGAN: Wait! Wasn't it you that sent me that magazine cover of them kissing?

STEVE: YES I DID and you didn't pick it up. I thought it was going to be a big deal. But maybe the progressives won't get mad at The Progressive?

MEGAN: It was just a little too... something.

STEVE: I'm not even sure what that was supposed to mean. But I can say, without a doubt, that I wouldn't kiss any man who pointed at me and called me "that one" in public.

MEGAN: You know, I did kiss a dude who later called me "that one" in public in what he thought was a jocular way. I accused him of using his brother's terminal illness as a way to get pussy, so I guess I didn't appreciate it.

STEVE: Speaking of our rights to kiss anyone we want, I thought it was a little odd, and disappointing, that not a word was said about the Supreme Court last night, two days into the new term and with at least two judges barely holding on.

MEGAN: Well, but Sarah Palin covered that, right? [I crack myself up some times]

STEVE: Every swing state voter I know - and I recently met a mom in Ohio who WANTS to vote GOP, but is really being persuaded by the high court argument.

MEGAN: Because of Roe? That's interesting. On the other hand, if the Democratic Party can win the Presidency on the economy and the Republican can't gin people up on social issues like abortion and gay marriage because independent voters have realized that it's craven and whatever, that's not a bad thing, right?

STEVE: I really think the court issue is ALMOST as persuasive as the "Jesus the stock market crashed 500 points again" issue. You know, Bill Maher said on Friday, and I agree, that it almost always requires a national catastrophe to get progressives elected. BUT DO AMERICANS NOT GET THAT THE SUPREME COURT COULD BE A NATIONAL CATASTROPHE TOO?

MEGAN: Well, 54 percent of the country thinks abortion should stay legal and the more they put the crazies on TV, the more people go, um, those people are cray-cray. Like, they should give that crazy anti-gay guy from Kansas more press.

STEVE: I bet Fred Phelps votes based on the Supreme Court!

MEGAN: Totally! But everyone hates him. Harley riders hate him. He's the antithesis of everything the anti-gay movement is trying to pretend to be, which is faux-tolerant. You know, like Sarah Palin. It's okay if you, like, have to be gay, but the government shouldn't do anything special for your heathen, social-norm defying self. That would be giving you "special" rights. Because the right to, say, marry or to have equal protection under the law is "special."

STEVE: Sarah says she "tolerates" the gays. Does that make us feel better?

MEGAN: Like, she doesn't want to gas them or anything! It doesn't make me feel better. What is there about gay people to "tolerate"? It's not like gayness is something that might rub off or something.

STEVE: OK and so if they spent 60 minutes on the economy last night, we should spend a few minutes on it here. Angela Merkel is on the front of the NYT business section today, looking very stressed.

MEGAN: Well, I think I know why.

STEVE: And as someone who was raised by a single mother and appreciates the (much better) grasp that women have on pocket book issues than men, I get worried when they look panicked. I mean, a friend emailed last night to tell me that he and his boyfriend decided not to buy expensive, designer jeans after the 500 drop yesterday. And when the gay men stop pumping money into the economy for lavish, unessential items like Italian jeans, we have problems.

MEGAN: Well, that alone explains the 500 point drop in the Dow yesterday. I have no doubt that Angela Merkel doesn't want to be presiding over an economic crisis brought on by the financial crisis and credit crunch by her personal masseur.

STEVE: I mean, when $2 trillion of retirement money is gone . . . and gay men can't buy jeans . . . is our salvation really going to be found in cutting a $3 million overhead projector for a planetarium? And, like, if they did buy the projector for the planetarium, and Sarah could see Jupiter from her seat, could we make her an astronaut and send her to the moon or something?

MEGAN: Okay, first off, I really like planetariums. I'm just sayin'. Fuck McCain for hating on planetariums. Second off, he's also going to personally renegotiate everyone's mortgages. Except mine. And yours if you had one. I mean, not really "everyone" as much as people whose houses lost value because they bought stuff for absurdist prices. And took out absurdly high mortgages. And only if they're old, to make up for the massive cuts in Medicare spending he's planning.

STEVE: And McCain's mortgage plan is totally borrowed from Hillary, which was borrowed from her history lessons on the Great Depression.

MEGAN: Also, did you get the sense that they made that up on the bus on the way there? Sort of like how McCain's all, I know how to kill bin Laden! I do! Just watch! I will go into some place I won't name and kill bin Laden quietly, because generally invading a sovereign nation goes over way better if you just hope they don't notice.

STEVE: But if you pronounce Pakistan as Pah-kee-stahn, the whole things has an air of credibility.

MEGAN: Just like "new-cue-lerr" makes it sound less scary?

STEVE: You betcha!

MEGAN: Such as!

STEVE: So Olbermann says Palin is the one palling around with terrorists — the Alaska Independence Party.

MEGAN: Well, you know, just because they advocated potentially violent secession, we sponsored by Iran and hate Our Freedoms doesn't makes them terrorists... Oh, wait, let's just call Olbermann and pinko Commie in the tank for Obama.

STEVE: The AIP founder, Olbermann says, said that, "The fires of hell are frozen glaciers compared to my hatred for the American government, and I won't be buried under their damn flag"

MEGAN: Why doesn't he just go to Canada? It's, like, right the fuck there.

STEVE: Don't ruin Canada for the rest of us! I hear Montreal is quite a party.
But where is this tank everyone keeps talking about? It must be pretty crowded in there by now.

MEGAN: And kind of sexy. I mean, Olbermann's in it with Rachel Maddow and Bill Keller of the NY Times, who I saw on Saturday and is kind of silver foxy.

STEVE: Is Rachel Maddow DRIVING the tank? Margaret Cho says you gotta have a lesbian to read the map.

MEGAN: Well, I'll bet Rachel is driving and Suze Orman is navigating through the minefields.

STEVE: Are we going to end up with Suze or Warren Buffet as treasury secretary anyway? Can't Warren Buffet just bail us out of this . . . maybe with a little help from Bill Gates?

MEGAN: I know, Warren Buffet as Treasury Secretary? I was like, dude, McCain, seriously, you had a whole series of commercials about how stupid celebrity is and now you're nominating the only financier people will recognize by name as Treasury Secretary? I mean, you know he wanted to be honest and say "Phil Gramm," because McCain, too, thinks we're a nation of whiners and this is just a mental depression.

STEVE: I mean, I bank at Wachovia, or Citibank, or Wells Fargo OR WHATEVER IT IS THIS MORNING and I'd feel much more secure banking at Warren Buffet's house.

MEGAN: I'd feel more secure banking from under my mattress at this stage.
If anyone is going to fuck over my money, it really should be me.

• The original terrorist — not the fist bumping kind — knows who he wants us to elect. Surprise! It's John McCain. [US News & World Report]
• That might be because he escaped us at least twice by going into Pakistan and because our troops weren't allowed to walk into Pakistan, and John McCain plans to continue that policy. [CBS News]
• And, like he plans to leave Pakistan alone, McCain's decided to leave Michigan alone, too. Guess they figured that they wouldn't be able to disenfranchise enough foreclosed-upon voters to eke out a win after all. [Washington Post]
• Since he's staying the course in Philly, though, voter intimidation tactics continue apace. [Philly.com]

• Because, if he doesn't, he's pretty well fucked in the electoral college. [Politico]
• Sort of like Sarah Palin's wrist supposedly is. Unless it's just a tactic to garner some sympathy, which it totally is. How many women around John McCain have to sport bum wrists before someone starts asking questions? [Politico]
• Barack and Michelle will celebrate their 16th wedding anniversary tomorrow with a quiet dinner that Barack requested the press pool leave them alone for. Fat chance, sucker. We want pictures, and so does Axelrod. [Huffington Post]
• Oh, hey, Bob Barr is still running! He thinks McCain is a hypocrite. Run, Bob, Run! [The Hill]
• Also, women find Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour is a sexist hypocrite. [Pandagon]
• Wall Street Journal reporter Dorothy Rabinowitz thinks that overreaching surveillance by our government that is eroding our civil rights is totes okay with her because people died on September 11th. What's that saying? Those who would sacrifice freedom for security... [Washington Independent]

• The Republican National Committee has finally released its speaker line-up for the convention, which McCain spokesman Rick Davis says is designed "to showcase the 'diversity' of the Republican Party." [HuffPo]
• Which is why the line-up is 75% male and 86% white. "Diversity." [Washington Post]
• John McCain's doesn't question Obama's patriotism, just his judgment, so Obama should just shut up and accept that we need to keep on keeping on with the war in Iraq. [Politico]
• Which is why McCain would be cool with having a draft again, since once we're done in Iraq we'll still have Osama bin Laden to chase down and we won't have enough troops for that. [ThinkProgress]

• Rush Limbaugh is just dying for Obama to pick Biden because Biden says stupid crap. And Rush Limbaugh knows all about saying stupid crap. [Time]
• Like this gem: "it is striking how unqualified Obama is and, and how this whole thing came about with, within the Democrat Party. I think it really goes back to the fact that nobody had the guts to stand up and say no to a black guy." [Media Matters]
• Moe's intellectual nemesis, if you want to call Linda Hirshman an intellectual, agrees with Rush Limbaugh that Obama's critics were silenced too early and she agrees with John McCain that Obama is the new Paris Hilton. Guess we know who's decided our reproductive rights are less important than her ability to say "I told you so." [Washington Post, Washington Post, Huffington Post]

• Raymond Hunter Geisel (no relation to the awesomest Geisel ever) was arrested in Florida today for threatening to assassinate Barack Obama. One nutjob down, too many to go. [Politico]
• A President is going to get impeached! No, not ours. Pakistan's own Uncle Pervy. [HuffPo]
• Salim Hamdan, convicted earlier this week of driving for Osama bin Laden, was sentenced today to 66 months in prison. He's already been at Gitmo for 61 months, which means he should be released in 5 but this is the Bush Administration until January 20th. [Washington Post]

• Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, he of the racy and lied-about text messages, was set to jail today for violating the conditions of his bond. The judge said, "If it was not Kwame Kilpatrick sitting in that seat — if it was John Six-Pack sitting in the seat — what would I do? And the answer is simple." Thought Kilpatrick, as he is likely wont to do, "But I am Kwame Kilpatrick!" And then off to the hoosegow he was led. [NY Times]
• In the mean time, the Democratic party's statement of principle on the Iraq War has been leaked. The war was bad, troops will be redeployed, we need a "diplomatic surge" and there's going to be (one hopes) an increasingly small number of troops there for a while yet so that the Dems can't be accused of cutting and running though they still will be. [Washington Independent]
• Margaret Dupes and her (recently fired) high school newspaper adviser are pissed that the high school's principal spiked her piece decrying abstinence-only education. Said principal told the adviser that he was uncomfortable with the content, but his lawyer's telling the press that it was because he was convinced it must've been written by an adult. Great faith in your students, sir! [UPI]

• Victoria Osteen, wife of megachurch pastor Joel Osteen, is in court today facing a lawsuit that her "on-board temper tantrum caused the [flight attendant Sharon Brown] to lose her religious faith and suffer a flare-up of hemorrhoids." Osteen was reportedly trying to get a spill on her first-class armrest wiped up and elbowed Brown on the way to the cockpit to complain. The Osteens have already paid a $3,000 FAA fine for interfering with a flight crew. [WorldNet Daily, HuffPo]
• In other salacious news, the National Enquirer has finally gotten around to posting its pictures of John Edwards' Beverly Hilton romp. Hey, did anyone notice that he's not wearing the same clothes in the pictures they said he was wearing? That's weird, right? [National Enquirer, Glamocracy]

• The government came out with almost all of its evidence against Bruce Ivins, the anthrax scientist who killed himself as the FBI were preparing to arrest him. It seems pretty cut and dried — including the part where he misled investigators by telling them the anthrax belonged to an unnamed "other scientist" in the lab. Guess Moe and I were right. [Washington Post]
• In China news, President Bush today said that "America stands in firm opposition to China's detention of political dissidents, human rights advocates, and religious activists." Of course, he then said that they'll get to actual freedom through free trade, so it's China-policy-as-usual. [MSNBC]
• John McCain seemingly has his own Norman Hsu, as the media investigates Harry Sargeant III's large-dollar bundled from unregistered voters and first-time contributors. Corrections to the story, by the way, are already available. [Washington Post]
• A U.S. military tribunal convicted its first person — Osama bin Laden's driver Salim Hamden — of driving bin Laden but not of engaging in terrorism. It apparently means we'll be keeping him in prison for life instead of killing him, and that the military is going to keep on keepin' on with their Alternative-to-Justice Department. [Washington Post]

MEGAN: I have decided that drunkorexia is best practiced by professionals.
MOE: You gotta just remember it is beer that is your friend. Although apparently rising in cost these days. Are they showing this cop kicking dog video on your news channels? Because I bet they're not showing the Paula Abdul memory lapse clip...
MEGAN: They just spent 10 minutes discussing Carly Simon and Joni Mitchell and whatever on MSNBC. Apparently, there's nothing important in the world today.
MEGAN: I'll try out the beer thing next time. I went with my normal red wine this time.
MOE: Oh man that book. Carole King is the missing piece, although she doesn't seem to have much to do with the other two. Hey before I tire of the subject — oh wait, that happened two months ago — Obama joined Trinity for the gays.
MEGAN: Well, I mean, who doesn't like the gays? Um, well, I mean, except North Carolina Governor Mike Easley.
MOE: Oh good lord. I saw that quote. Tell me, when you saw that quote, did you think, "I am offended on behalf of homokind" or did you think, "New levels of rhetorical idiocy"? Because I think you know where I came down but I'm a certified insensitive person.
MEGAN: Well, I mean, personally I saw him, like, air punching out of the corner of my eye with the mute on and decided he was quite possibly insane. But, also, I guess I never thought about "pansy" as a gay slur but Aravosis is right, it is.
MOE: Yeah I thought it could also convey the proverbial 98 pound weakling? Butt sex totally optional?
MEGAN: I think it's both?
MEGAN: Butt sex: always totally optional, by the way, in my opinion.
MOE: Either way, gays, hear that? Obama became inextricably wound up with that crazy egotistical preacher who may sabotage his presidential ambitions for you people! Are you going to keep clinging to Hillary like PANSIES?

MEGAN: I keep having this conversation, I know, but I really, really don't understand the LGBT community's unabashed Hillary love. I really, really don't.

MEGAN: Anyways, so, by the way, the stupid do-not-fly list also grounds air marshalls. Can we now admit that this is a stupid clusterfuck of an idea and quit doing it now?
MOE: OH my God that is the most hilarious story ever. Who knew there were air marshals with the same names as terror suspects? What I love, too, is that the names are probably like "John Walker" and "Richard Reid" ...one thing I noticed when I used to be on the mailing list for those terror suspect lists was that they still had names of dudes who had, like, died before USS Cole.

MEGAN: Our government, protecting the skies from air marshalls! And Ted Kennedy, Congressman Darrell Issa, Congressman John Lewis, Congressman Don Young and Congresswoman Zoe Lofgren's husband.
MOE: And speaking of Not Flying for reasons other than general airline logistical ineptitude, Osama Bin Laden's super sweet son married to that sassy cougar is not allowed to come to the UK.
MEGAN: Aw! And we're still trying to put OBL's driver on trial, unsuccessfully.
MOE: Wow, and she totally wears the pants too.

"We have a nice house in Cairo, but we have no real place to call home. I need my family and I need medical attention in the UK. Our only chance to be together was to live in Britain. We have vowed never to be parted. Omar will never take another wife as long as I am alive."

MEGAN: Whoa, MSNBC is reporting breaking news that Michigan governor Jennifer Granholm is undergoing emergency surgery.
MOE: I don't know much about Jennifer Granholm. I know GM reported some disappointing earnings or something, but how disappointing could they be in the context of all that previous disappointment?

MEGAN: Well, and disappointing enough to cause the governor to need surgery?
MEGAN: Granholm, btw, can never be President because she's Canadian-born, and she's a Hillary supporter. Obama doesn't get all the female governors.
MEGAN: It's for a bowel obstruction.
MOE: We should do a video on that. A companion piece to Tracie's colonic video. That story about Osama Bin Laden's driver Salim Hamdan...is it about the fact that he chose to show up to court in prison clothes? Or how his exchanges with the judge at the military tribunal were somehow friendly and human and good-naturedly resigned after seven years of pointless interminable detention? I couldn't quite tell but it's interesting.
MOE:

Looking down across the makeshift courtroom on Tuesday, Judge Allred told Mr. Hamdan he wanted to give him a fair trial. He coaxed his famous defendant, who was once Osama bin Laden's driver, to stick with the process.

"Mr. Hamdan," Judge Allred said, "I think you should have great faith in American law. You have already been to the Supreme Court."

"The Supreme Court of the United States," he continued, "said to the president, 'You can't do that to Mr. Hamdan.' You were the winner. Your name is printed in our law books."

The detainee, a handsome man with curly brown hair and a quick grin, was noncommittal. Mr. Hamdan, in his seventh year of captivity, noted that despite the judge's literal words, he had not been to the Supreme Court himself. The lawyers, he said, had not taken him with them.

MEGAN: Only it's sadly real, and that dude is going to spend the rest of his life in captivity whether he participates or not.
MOE: I had this theory that they're too sleep deprived to figure out how to kill themselves, or even muster the will.
MEGAN: plus, they're totally guarded against doing that.
MOE: Did Bush actually reiterate his support of ethanol subsidies in the face of massive opposition from the reality based community yesterday? Because that is also bad. Will the food crisis actually make this into an issue? It seems like the media is trying.k
MOE: Faustian bargains sigh.

No place demonstrates the competing demands on corn better than Iowa, one of the two biggest corn-exporting states. Iowa is home to 28 ethanol plants, which consume more than a quarter of its corn crop; two dozen others are under construction or in planning stages.

MEGAN: The Internet hates Crappy Hour!!

MOE: Oh my god! It's a miracle! You're here!

I'm the most hungover I have ever been

MEGAN: Wow, that's saying something. I'm just morning thirsty, but I might have a Target hangover...

MOE: I have a tequila/beer/whiskey hangover
it is amazing I am here
No nevermind
My fingers don't even work. that is normal

MEGAN: Whoa. Tequila and whiskey should never be mixed.

MOE: So...
HINDSIGHT

MEGAN: So, shall we kick it off with illegal passport searches?

MOE: I guess so. Should I scan in the passport from when I was 4 that i use to get into bars?
Yeah, so, Obama, what the fuck. I mean, what was it they expected to find?

MEGAN: He's a Muslimy Muslim from Muslimstan?

MOE: What if he's been to NORTH KOREA and SYRIA and RED CHINA and also YUCCA MOUNTAIN ????

MEGAN: OMG, he's NUCLEAR, people, NUCLEAR! Only without a nuclear family, so that must be like so bad.

MOE: no he totally has a NUCLEAR FAMILY
and they're PROLIFERATING

MEGAN: Nuclear nonproliferation is best, people.

MOE: ok, oh god, so. what the fuck. I'm like still drunk

MEGAN: And I'm actually caffeinated! This is obviously opposites day. Normally I'm the one whose fucking hungover and you've already had coffee.

So, like, what else is opposite?

MOE: I can barely drink coffee. Um, that stingray story is the opposite of boring!
MEGAN: OMG, this is why I don't go near beaches. Creepy.

Well, that and the fact that I'm ghost pale and hate being all hurty on my skin and having the world make fun of my sunburns.
MOE: The Bill Richardson endorsement was the opposite of what I expected.

MEGAN: I know! Rats, sinking ship, et al. Man, what must he have against Hillary? Why must the boys all gang up on her? It's MISOGYNY.
MOE: OH fuck
MEGAN: Oh, Jesus H. Christ. Also, that's the same publication that published that he was in the church on July 22nd when he wasn't.

MOE: Seriously, seriously I want to go back to bed now.
You think they just pulled that out of their asses?
MEGAN: No, sadly, I'm thinking they didn't.
MOE: That's the problem
MEGAN: Also, frankly, I'll admit, I stopped paying attention to the ins and outs of that particular intractable conflict like 7 years ago, aka, when I finished graduate school, so I'm sure there's refutable stuff in there because it's World Net Daily, but I cannot correctly identify it. But, overall, Obama does advocate dialogue, so it's probably more spun in a certain direction than actually completely wrong.

Sadly.
And, I think this is what happens when you run an anti-establishment campaign staffed with anti-establishment-y scholars. Fuck ups. Lots of 'em.
MOE: Oh yeah they say Obama loves Hamas and hates Israel and some aide of him named Malley is an anti-Semite

MEGAN: As a person of Irish descent, may I just stereotype my people and say: it does not surprise me that one of us would be an anti-Semite.
MOE: OH fuck it's Good Friday

I haven't eaten meat yet

Just cheese

MEGAN: My antidote to this day has been to youtube up some soothing music. And, since I don't celebrate it, hoorah! Steak for dinner!

Do you think there will be specials?
MOE: Maybe they will have Obama halal el sadr specials for people like you.

MEGAN: Or else they'll be full up with goddamn fish specials.
MOE: So that guy who just got fired from the McCain campaign for Twittering that video...

yeah I don't know where I was going with that. Just wanted to provide a link.
9:31 AM
Um, me and my roommate just sang the FreeCreditReport commercial in unison.

MEGAN: Twitter is evil! It's like gmail status, only worse. Like, for instance, a certain conservablogger I know who shall not be named but I know you hate has ended up as a gchat contact of mine, and encouraged everyone recently to be offended by us babykiller-bonerkillers promoting babykilling with a wire hanger necklace. And I almost sent it to you, but thought better of it.

OMG, I totally catch myself doing that and then realize that's the beginning of the descent into utter madness.

MOE: Oohhhhhhh I bet I know who you are talking about!

MEGAN: Shhhhhh.
MOE: I should have seen it coming at me like an atom bomb

MEGAN: Oh, fuck, like she reads this anyway? Certainly not that far into this.
I like the pirate one better than the car one, Free Credit Report.com people. Also, please never again let your actor do the white man's overbite and bob his head on camera ever again.

MOE: Yeah, no one is still reading now.

NO one.

MEGAN: Is it sad how we know this?

No, i have to say, ONE LONE COMMENTER (whyknot) apologized to me the other day for all the shitty white men in my life. So he's probably still reading.

MOE: Oh fuck, awesome scarf, Nancy Pelosi. She has the best scarves.
She like consulted the Dalai Lama on the color.
MEGAN: Why the fuck has Hillary Clinton not gone shopping with Nancy Pelosi? I mean, girl, please. You know you always pick out your most stylish friend and go shopping with her.

MOE: SO TRUE.

WTF HILLARY

MEGAN: Also, Hillary needs to embrace her curves and stop trying to hide her ass. YOUR ASS IS NOT A BAD THING>
MOE: Nancy has your best interests in mind.

MEGAN: It's only a bad thing in mom pants and overly long suit jackets.

MOE: Nancy Pelosi would not undermine.

MEGAN: I'll take you shopping!

No, Nancy would not undermine at all. She's be the one who'd be like, ummm, no, let's try these pants on you instead.
Also, Nordstroms or Needless Markup instead of Macys. It's not like Hillary can't afford nice suits.
And tailoring. Look into tailoring. I have a tailor because I am short and have a big butt, I cannot lie. Her name is Kathy and she's awesome and anyone who lives in DC can email me for her contact information.

MOE: Can we get back to Bill Richardson for a second though? Like, it takes you until practically April to realize Obama is a "once in a lifetime leader"? You don't really have the excuse of, like, not knowing he was until he started visiting your state...
Also did you read the thing on Meghan McCain?

MEGAN: Well, um, he was sorta busy growing the beard and probably getting all the strange he forewent on the campaign trail.
I did. Meghan, I'll repeat myself here on Jezebel if you didn't hear me the first time. Do NOT get a tramp stamp with McCain in an Olde English font. Just. Don't.

MOE: Also I want to point out I read this column at the deli this morning and snorted. Barack O'Bama...you have to be so hungover you're worse than drunk to enjoy that. But look, Drudge linked it!
OH, Meghan, get a fuckin BUTTERFLY on the small of your back if you want, I don't care.
MEGAN: No, please, make an effort not to be a girl cliche. For the good of the sisterhood.

Also, can I Hurt, Charles? NO MORE O'BAMA JOKES. They are not funny.
MOE: You voted for Kerry in '04 and are pretty much the best chance America has seen for a pro-life candidate's daughter needing to get an abortion in the White House since...well...I would have said Jenna Bush, but you know that motto of hers. "Be nice to each other and always use condoms." I bet Meghan doesn't always use condoms...speaking of, I like how she complains how she hasn't gotten laid and the only dudes who want to do her are investment bankers. She needs to become an Obama campaign Springtern!
MEGAN: Although, I have to say, I'm all for a First Daughter who runs on a platform of not fucking i-bankers. Run, Meghan, run! Preach!

(Even if you do have the "h" in your name).

[Classy imagery courtesy Shieldsnet.]

MEGAN: We should probably kick this off, but it's too close to Friday for me to care too much about pretty much anything.
MOE: The plot to kill the Dutch cartoonist for drawing Mohammed with a bomb in his turban and the ensuing saber-rattling — or you know, assault rifle-rattling — from Osama Bin Laden directed at Europe and the Pope (but not, curiously, Bush) doesn't interest you at all?
MOE: Because I have to say that is about the strangest fifth anniversary present you could give the Administration.
MOE: New OBL recording threatening Europe and calling the cartoons a worse offense than anything the good ol' US of A has ever done is kind of interested.
MEGAN: Insofar as it seems sort of batshit, but I did love his swipe at the Saudi king in there for being insufficiently pissed off about it.
MOE: Jesus Christ, fifty people died in the protests against the cartoons.
MEGAN: That's less than the last round of protests, though, right? So, like, progress?
MOE: I read something in Mike Huckabee looks positively fucking enlightened.
MEGAN: Wait, so they're gonna come here and start converting us? Good luck with us atheist types.
MOE: And speaking of which, it was met with some skepticism when I posted on this last night but Huck's Bin Laden video, if anyone's interested, annotated by someone who likes dissecting this sort of thing I suppose, and that person thinks it's a mashup using old audio. Which would make sense since the cartoon controversy is only like a million years old. I dunno. Now I can't find the Times story, but the best thing was how everyone had forgotten about it, and then the cartoonist was like, no seriously guys, they're really trying to kill me.
MOE: So, uh, onto more important issues! Hillary's schedule as First Lady. "Classic First Lady fare"? And maybe not such a great friend to Vince Foster? Can you believe that the first thing anyone in the media anyone bothered figuring out was where she was on Dia Del Dress??? Well yes, of course you can.
MEGAN: Nope, they're back protesting again. Who'd'a thunk that if you combine religion, grinding poverty, overarching patriarchy and the inability for men to achieve what they are told they ought that you'd get a bunch of mindless, repetitive violence aimed at forces beyond their control and directed by dudes who want power and prestige for themselves?
MEGAN: What I can't believe is that anyone ever thought that her schedule would be interesting!
MEGAN: Like, was there supposed to be an day where it was like "3:30: Illicit lesbian sex. 6:15: Shower 7:00: Dinner with illegal campaign donors 10:30: Kill Vince Foster 10:35: Initiate massive cover-up operation 10:45: Stop by Kathleen Willey's to kill cats."
MOE: Well, here's the thing. Just whyyyyyyy am I expected to believe she is so fucking experienced? Seriously? Tell me!
MEGAN: She is! She singlehandedly wrote all the good legislation ever passed in Congress during her husband's Administration AND negotiated all this really nice peacemaking stuff which is why she was totes to busy to notice things like NAFTA, the Defense of Marriage Act, welfare "reform" and the don't ask, don't tell policy. Plus the part where the government turned over all student loans to private lenders which is why that bloodsucking bitch Sallie Mae is riding your ass rather than the Department of Education (which is how it used to be).
MOE: I was about to say "you know what? Forget it. Don't answer that. Commenters will answer that." So anyway, we should probably address the issue of
MOE: sex and sex and sex... because that's what the readers want right?
MEGAN: Please, please, please, let us never again contemplate a photo shoot of Eliot Spitzer oiled, naked and with his erect cock in his hands. Please. I mean, I need to lose weight but I was always planning on being a drunkorexic and not a bulimic.
MOE: This is a pretty good story about Hillary's schedule, by the way.

And then, this note, and perhaps she was glad for the rare instance when the script left a line up to her discretion: "Upon conclusion of dinner, the President and First Lady have the first dance (optional)."

MEGAN: Dude, I do believe the dance is always optional, which sucks. My ex-bf and I danced a total of, like, 2 times in 4 years and I like to dance.
MOE: Yeah I don't think I really danced very much with my ex boyfriend but I like to dance by myself, on account of my very individualistic notion of "rhythm."
MEGAN: I'm not gonna pretend like I don't dance around my apartment singing along to crap that I drunkenly download from iTunes.

MOE: Clinton has apparently "doubled her lead" in Pennsylvania primary polls. You know what I love about stories like this? When they don't remind you what date the primary happens. Though they did take pains to say exactly when the polls were conducted, which was March 15 and 16, before the speech in Philadelphia. It is really hard for me to believe that speech did not help him in Pennsylvania. Perhaps because I am an irrational emotion-driven idealist, but whatevs.
MOE: Not sure if it helps or hurts Obama that Rev. Wright is a product of the Philadelphia public school system.
MOE: Hahaha Arlen Specter was on Stern yesterday. I have to fucking get Sirius. SRIUSLY!
MEGAN: I think she's taking PA, though. Other than the speech, it's drip drip drip on Obama all month. Today alone it that his campaign neglected to remove the blog of the New Black Panther Party from their site. The ADL identifies them as an extremist hate group because they're super Anti-Semetic. Plus, you know, it's being widely reported that he's standing between Michigan and a revote because he wants those people who voted in the Republican primary already (like, say, all those Dems that Kos told to vote for Romney) to be able to vote again which just completely fucks up his argument about fairness.
MEGAN: He was on Jon Stewart, too, all jowls and phlegmy laughs.
MOE: Yeah I haven't been paying attention to Michigan and/or Florida. I just want them to go away. It's like, oh Jesus Fuck, this is annoying. At this point I don't care who wins. I'm just glad he gave that speech. That's what a sucker I am. Plus I have to go now. So many things left undiscussed! Will we ever get into our debate re the future of the troop surge? Speaking of, interestingly, the Wash Post lead editorial today slams Obama and Clinton for their kind of delusion-heavy Iraq rhetoric, which is a pet peeve of mine.
MEGAN: I saw that, but decided to do Crappy Hour before reading it.
MOE: While David Broder calls McCain's Baghdad visit a "missed opportunity" — why I'm not totally sure. But I guess it all goes to show that even though we know our next president will not be a retard, he or she will not necessarily be able to solve anything. SIGH.
MEGAN: Hail to the motherfucking Chief.

MOE: There are a few issues today.
1. black people (we love you! It's our terrible Web 2.0 corporate overlords that are forcing us to work today)
2. caucus voting irregularities
3. Cindy McCain's outfits
4. Osama Bin Laden's son
5. The economy going to shit, though I think we should wait till tomorrow on that one.

MEGAN: Yeah, the economy will still be crappy tomorrow. Sort of like my mood.
OBL's weird son: married to a cougar. Right on!

MOE: Okay, he is the sixth husband of Lady Jane Felix-Browne, now Zaina Mohamed, who has apparently gone "under the knife" a few times. Under the knife. Knives. Al Qaeda. Plastic surgery. MTV reality shows depicting plastic surgeries. LIVE. Just me, or do we have an egregiously offensive Mel Brooks production right here?

MEGAN: How awesome would it be if it involved a bunch of scrubs-clad Broadway types dancing with scalpels singing about the fountain of youth and OBL while they took turns cutting zaina and getting blood everywhere.

MOE: Glad you're with me on that! Anyway, here's an extended story on Rasta Bin Laden's cougar wife. She claims she actually met Osama Bin Laden at a party in the early 70s. Before Omar was even born! Damn, that would freak me out were I, uh, the estranged 26-year-old son of Osama Bin Laden's son.
So should we discuss the outfits?
Of Omar, I mean.
Although Cindy McCain and Omar, just from a sartorial perspective, look like they'd be friends.

MEGAN: Indeed. Although, on Cindy: do you think she had to grow her hair out because pollsters showed that it made people uncomfortable? Because she was cuter with short hair, I think.

MOE: I think Meghan McCain was like "Mommy pixie cuts are over" and that's how that happened. I prefer it long. Although either way, she does NOT have that "first lady look." If they were polling this shit she'd be in earth tones and soft makeup. But she's got some independent style spirit going on. I think I'm going to make a gallery of her rainbow coalition of outfits later.

MEGAN: I like colors, like, a lot. I have suits in red, purple, light blue, sea green, ivory... but that's because the monochromism of Washington gets to me. Maybe it gets to Cindy, too.

MOE: Yeah, if there is an opposite of my philosophy of how to dress, she is it. But she and John won South Carolina, which I think is good news for the country if not so much for the Democrats and definitely will provide an engaging flow of new outfits to critique. In other news Romney and Clinton won Nevada, but Obama got more DELEGATES and Ron Paul got second place. Will you play Doris Kearns Goodwin for a sec and tell me the last time "delegates" mattered more than momentum? Because Obama won an equal amount of delegates in New Hampshire too. Yesterday all the talk shows were like "it could go all the way to the convention!!" Could it really go all the way to the convention? And why the fuck hasn't Edwards dropped out yet?

MEGAN: So, the conventions sort of work like the electoral college- each state gets to send delegates (only, unlike the electoral college, the delegates don't all have to agree). So, if Obama keeps pace with Hillary's delegate count, then the convention isn't just a coronation it's an actual meeting to decide who the nominee will be.
Which is what it's intended to be, but coronations work better on TV

MOE: That, I understand. But what's the last time that ACTUALLY HAPPENED?

MEGAN: Oh, like, never.
I mean, Edwards staying in means that, with his delegates in a close race, he can play king maker when he does drop out, assuming it stays close.
Also, Liz basically said him being President is her dying wish. How's he gonna drop out?

MOE: Hahah for a second I thought you meant Liz Glover. But she's totally in it for Ron Paul to win it.

MEGAN: They offered her a ride in the blimp!

MOE: Speaking of, Ron Paul ... second place in Nevada.

MEGAN: My cogent political analysis: most people in Nevada don't like the government. See: gambling, prostitution. Also, I'm gonna say that there are probs a bunch of people that aren't bothered by the racist writings in Nevada.

MOE: Beyond hating the government, it's hard to think Nevada is supposed to be moved by any philosophy requiring a positive outlook re the human condition. You're a pit boss whose take on human nature is pretty much a composite gleaned from thousands of interactions with drunks getting thrown out for grabbing the asses of your cocktail waitresses, Chinese restaurant workers who will spend 92 hours straight blowing the life savings that was supposed to buy them out of indentured servitude with the Fujianese mob, strippers and the multiple female subcultures that emulate their style, and mirthless software programmers who wake up at 6 a.m. to come down and win all these suckers' last hundred bucks.

MEGAN: Yeah, I can see where Hope(TM) wouldn't work there.

MOE: Also it is FUCKING HOT.

MEGAN: But it's so dry that my hair always looks great. Fucking DC humidity.

MOE: Yeah, so I didn't really understand why Obama was even supposed to have a chance in such a place. Like people are going to really bat an eyelash when the Clinton campaign bursts in and tells everyone to go home early, polls are closed...

MEGAN: Polls said he did? Do people just lie to pollsters these days?

MOE: I guess. Why not. What happens in...

MEGAN: I'll quietly pretend I didn't hear that.
Last time I was in Vegas, a married guy trying to get in my pants ACTUALLY said that,
He also went with "My wife and I have an agreement, as long as I'm discrete." I went with "So me a signed, notarized affadavit to that effect and we can talk."

MOE: I just sent you a story about Osama's son from the Daily Mail last year. It's funny because everything he says about his dad — he loved sports! We barbecued! he has a great sense of humor! — sound like Jenna Bush in Texas Monthly. Maybe she'll come to Omar's horse race for peace? Related: their sex = involves props I'm thinking.

MEGAN: While he's not my speed, I'm all for the older woman-younger man hookups, if for no other reason then I'm getting older. But, I don't want to watch.

MOE: I bet she writes erotica.
Ew.

I mean, I personally kind of love the place, but that's just because it's slummy and decaying and sort of like how you'd imagine a resort town in Romania, only with possibly more Romanians, at least during summer. The Eastern Europeans get shipped in like seasonal mail-order brides to tend the beach bars and Starbuckses that the impoverished populace doesn't qualify to work for, pretty much every job held by a female requires a uniform that seems to be some sort of variation on "stripper," and the whole enterprise has made a retarded sum of money for Donald Trump and a handful of slightly-less-chumptacular property developers, which is a nice little parallel for the nation's larger income distribution scheme, to which both the Fed and Senate Maj. leader Harry Reid (Nevada, natch) provided a nice little boost today, Bernanke by cutting some other sort of interest rate that was either more or less symbolic than the last interest rate he cut by half a percentage point but whatever PARTY!!!, and Harry by assuring all those high-rolling financial engineers at private equity firms that he wouldn't be interrupting the racket whereby they somehow pay a tax rate on par with your average single parent T.J. Maxx cashier. (That would be 15%, and yeah I'm just guessing.) But even Harry was totally outshone by the Bush administration, which managed to alienate an Iraqi Jewish supporter whose father had been executed by Saddam Hussein while simultaneously botching a valuable link to what the fuck Al Qaeda is up to these days, when it clumsily released the last Osama Bin Laden tape too early and fucked up everything for pretty much everyone; oh god they aren't even disputing any of it. Keifer Sutherland — did anyone realize Keifer Sutherland had actually had a BAL of 0.22 when he got his first DUI? that's not wimpy! — was sentenced and David Hasselhoff fell off the wagon again — SHOCK. And yeah that's my cue for a little "same here."

Tracie said her first concern was "eating something fattening" like "chipotle dipped bacon." Yum! Pillhead said "getting raped." "Reading books that aren't Koran" was the first thought of our pervy brother at Fleshbot. (Heh, "books." A weekly celeb mag editor who listed "vaguely, less freedom?" as his primary concern added the thought: "Osama Bin Laden's extreme fundamentalist makeover has been on my mind today. His decision to dye his beard has provided a silly but fascinating human interest angle-I can't wait for his Just For Men ad. While he's at, how about less anthrax and more botox?" Meanwhile in the realm of our most truly substantial, dignified friends, my roommate simply typed "BURKA BURKA BURKA," and then something about how it would affect her hair, and a friend who's gotten five girls pregnant said, "Oh, God. The STENCH. Those people use goat dick for deodorant, don't they?"

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.