First, the term "anti-aging" is lie, because from the moment you are born until the moment you die, you are AGING. No cream will stop that. Maybe "temporarily hydrates and plumps the skin to minimize the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles" isn't as catchy, but at least it's not a misnomer. In any case, have women become so used to "anti-aging" products that they are now looking for a "new twist"?

Almost all "cosmeceutical" ads have footnotes and claims from clinical studies. (Who do you think owns the "clinic"?) This ad is for "deep-set wrinkle repair," which you need, clearly, because your wrinkles are broken. Also, check out the "clinical results":


It's not just my scan — you'll see if you pick up a magazine — the pictures look almost exactly the same. This stuff is twenty bucks for 1.7 ounces.


This ad plays on the whole idea that "cosmeceuticals" are good for you because a doctor is somehow involved. This guy is "green" — see the leafy stethoscope? The pitch to use the product is marketed as "Doctor's Orders." Do women really believe you can get an EYE LIFT in a bottle? A closer look at the pitch:

See the mortar and pestle? Tricking you into thinking this is a "prescription" for what ails you? And this stuff is made from DMAE, which is dimethylaminoethanol, a compound which helps aging people's brains, but the research on skin is limited, according to Smartskincare.com. Still, you're not supposed to think about that — doctor's orders!

Lancôme has created something called Génifique, which is maybe a mashup between "genetics" and "magnifique"? The stuff is a "youth activating concentrate." It activates youth? Really? Like, yells out the window at kids to be less lazy? The copy reads, "Discover the skin you were born to have." Confusing! Don't I already have the skin I was born to have? This ad has four footnotes:


…None of which contribute to the clarity of the claims.

Being white — or as pale as possible — is the "ultimate luxury." That's the message in this Shiseido ad, where the model is so light she is fading into nothingness. The copy claims "Even bare, spots and freckles seem to fade from view." It's a skin lightener! And a quick internet search finds that users report "[it] makes my face itch like crazy" and "It made my face itch," and "The cleanser is ok… Everything else from this line was a waste of money" and "Didn't or doesn't do much for me... meaning, no actual 'whitening' effect and it also makes my skin a bit dry after cleansing." Good to know, since the cream alone is $54 for 1.7 ounces!

Another ad with a footnote, and this one clams that "in a very short time," you will see a "measurable reduction in the look of wrinkles." Emphasis mine; you won't actually have fewer wrinkles, but the ones you do have will look different. Also, the X in the logo again plays on the idea that this is somehow a prescription product; the name "professional" adds to the feeling that this shit is not for amateurs. Just a reminder: It's lotion. Skin cream.

You're broken! But don't worry. Rest easy. We'll repair you overnight.

From the Department Of Redundancy Department: "Ageless Intensives Deep Wrinkle Anti-Wrinkle Moisture." Say wrinkle again! They should call it "Wrinkle Cream For Wrinkles On Wrinkly Old Wrinkled Up Wrinkle Women. Like You."

The next ad may be my favorite, and the worst. It comes from Elizabeth Arden's "DermaTechnology Division" and has two footnotes. The copy points out different parts of a body, reducing one person to parts:

"Décolletage: Maximum exposure means dreaded age spots, fine lines and crepiness. Freckles are definitely not cute anymore."

And:

"Stomach: "Weight gain and loss. Childbirth. Need we say more?"

And:

"The Bottom Line: Loss of firmness and tone. Stretch marks and sagging. It's time to take a firm position."

The crazy thing is they're pointing all of this out on a mannequin. This woman is not even real:


And yet, even she needs a "total transforming anti-aging moisturizer." Sigh.


Earlier: What If Women Weren't Afraid To Grow Old?

• Gwen Stefani's soon-to-be-released Harajuku Lovers fragrance collection comes with dolls that look just like her own Harajuku girl back-up dancers. WTF. [WWD, sub req'd]
  
• OMG is Britney Spears going to "collaborate" on a clothing line with Ed Hardy? Like whoah. [Star]
  
• The newest Donatella-designed Versace watch retails for $226,800. Says Donatella: "Women don't really need a watch to tell time today — they have their cell phones and BlackBerries." You heard it straight from the horse's mouth: It's expensive shit you don't need. [WWD, 1st item]
  
• Why does making your own deodorant actually sound like fun? [BellaSugar]

• More expensive shit: Armani luggage. [WWD, sub req'd]
• And more still: Pictures of Kate Moss's face. [Vogue UK]
• So-called upscale beauty brands Clarins, Kiehl's, Origins, Bare Escentuals and Bumble and Bumble are now selling their wares through so-called not-upscale mass retailer Target. The brands are all nervous about diluting their image. Don't they know? Getting something at Target is the new getting something at Bloomingdale's. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Why do watch brands need "ambassadors"? Um, here is an essay that explains it. [Financial Times]
• Bras: Big business in Britain. [Telegraph]
• Speaking of which, Agent Provocateur has relaunched their website and it is "steamy" and "raunchy" and "seamy." Enjoy! [Telegraph]
• For those of you deeply concerned about where all of Carla Bruni's clothes are coming from, rest assured: her rep says, that she "either borrows or buys. And it's all her personal budget. It's not the state budget. The same goes for her hair and makeup." [WWD, sub req'd]
• The amazing Chan Marshall (aka Cat Power) on being a "muse" to Karl Lagerfeld: "I don't think I'm a muse. I'm just like... A regular, maybe. Just a character in Karl's world." [Fashion Week Daily]
• Aw, tear! Hearst is starting a website called DonateMyDress.org where real-life Serena van der Woodsens can donate their old clothes to real-life Jenny Humphreys. No chance in hell the Blair Waldorfs are going to get in on the act. [WWD, 3rd item]
• Kim Stewart is the "face" of Ciate's paint pots, aka nail polish. When you see Kim Stewart, is a manicure is the first thing you think of? [Kiss And Makeup]
• The NYPD had a good time in Queens last night, confiscating $5.5 million in fake Burberry, Chanel, Coach, Fendi, Kate Spade, Gucci and Prada bags. [WWD, sub req'd]
• MAC is opening up something called a Pro Store that isn't just retail, but an "educational center" as well. Hmm, smells like a ruse to get you to spend more time at the counter, and more money on expensive shit. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Christian Louboutin: Now doing resort footwear. [Fashion Week Daily]
• This is what I look like in sunglasses. [Coutorture]

• In an unprecedented gesture, Donatella Versace has named Patrick Dempsey the face of the Versace men's line for not one but two consecutive seasons. Perhaps she's impressed by his track record on the whole "gets hotter every year OMG" front? [Fashion Week Daily]
  
• Speaking of Donatella, Tom Ford agrees with her that Russians are totally hot right now. "Russians are hardwired to appreciate the fine things in life. They have been denied nice things for years." Um, tell that to Boris Berezovsky's mistresses Tom! [Vogue UK]
  
• Victoria's Secret is holding competitions for college-aged women to model in their runway shows alongside the "real" models. This is a bid to get more college-aged students to buy their slave labor manufactured lingerie, and given what we know of college-aged girls, it will probably work. [WSJ]
  
• Kate Hudson: "I'm trying not to shop anymore. I've gotten in the habit of making phone calls when I see something and saying, 'Please, when that comes in, can you send it?'" How quaint! [WWD, 1st item]

• Kathy and Rick Hilton are maybe going to buy recently-bankrupted French shoe company Charles Jourdan, and talks are already in the works about a Kathy Hilton for Charles Jourdan shoe line, which is a good thing because there is such a dearth of consumer products currently available that can boast to being endorsed by someone named "Hilton," you know? [WWD, sub req'd]
• Says Roger Vivier designer Bruno Frisoni: "I wasn't comfortable doing accessories before I met Christian Lacroix. He taught me to have fun in fashion and to be 'désinvolte' — to not be afraid of bad taste, which is especially important in fashion because sometimes if you have bad taste, it's good." Dude, totally. [Fashion Week Daily]
• Kate Moss: Now officially a member of Who's Who! [Vogue UK]
• Estee Lauder is being sued by fellow cosmetics company Nefeli, which is a Chinese, herb-based line. Nefeli had signed a secret pact with Lauder where it would allow them to sneak a peaks at samples of their products and technology. But, uh, then the Lauder folks just reverse-engineered that shit and sold it under their Origins brand. Um, so what did you think they were going to do with that intellectual property you were selling them, guys? [WWD, 2nd item]