The author's disorder causes her to have orgasms all the time, in totally nonsexual situations. At first, friends said, "You're so lucky!" and "Dude, I'd love to date you" — but the condition makes her life really difficult. She writes,

Every time I do something, I have to evaluate my situation. Where am I? Are there other people around? How well do I know them? What is the likelihood that, if I don't get someplace private in time, things could get complicated? Can I make noise? (Being vocal isn't necessary, but it helps release more of the pressure.) I avoid triggers - things like music with heavy bass, vibrations from riding a train or an idle car, cold air, musky cologne, darkness, stress, scary movies, romantic movies, unexpected touch, a full bladder. [PGAD] is completely unrelated to sex drive. Watching sex scenes does nothing for me, but the other day, when a friend put his hand on my back, I found it really hard to contain a screaming orgasm. If my heart rate shoots up too high for too long, I flare up. I avoided exercise and gained a lot of weight. One time, I was hugging a male relative and I felt an orgasm arise. It felt really dirty and wrong, and I totally freaked out. Now, I try to avoid hugs in general unless I feel ready for them.

In a sad irony, her condition actually keeps her from having sex with her boyfriend of six years. She has a vulvar pain disorder that sometimes accompanies PGAD, and other sufferers say "sex is not satisfying at all - the orgasms associated with sex are nothing compared to the ones induced by the condition." "Honestly," she adds, "I just enjoy being held by him and not having it feel inappropriate" — which makes sense coming from someone who has to time even her hugs to avoid "feeling dirty." Heather Dearmon, who also has PGAD, told MSNBC that she avoided sex with her husband "because she treasured any time she was not feeling aroused."

PGAD remains poorly understood. According to BoingBoing's Lisa Katayama, it's going to be included in the 2012 edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. And Brian Alexander of MSNBC writes that it is sometimes accompanied by depression and panic attacks, and can be relieved by antidepressants. But it can also occur along with yeast infections or dermatological problems, and there doesn't seem to be clear evidence that it's a psychological problem. In fact, attributing it to solely to psychology may just compound the misunderstanding of the condition — one therapist of Dearmon's "said I must be sexually repressed and needed to experiment more. He suggested I try lesbianism."

Sufferers in general have a hard time being taken seriously by doctors, friends, and the general public, and the commenters on BoingBoing are no exception. Despite the fact that the writer had to take a leave from college, quit exercising (she has since picked up dance), and avoid sex, the first comment on her piece reads, "I'll have what she's having." More annoying is this one:

Uh, not trying to be obnoxious, but if this woman has a boyfriend of six years and they havent had sex, that guy's not her boyfriend; he's her friend.

Or this:

6 year boyfriend with no sex != boyfriend. Based on her description, there is no end in sight for the lack of sex either.

It sounds like her condition has put her off from sex completely and she just doesn't want to have it ever (understandably). Until she gets it fixed (if that is even possible) she will probably never have a normal, healthy relationship.

If PGAD tells us anything, it's that human sexuality is complicated, and that physical arousal can be influenced by many factors aside from actually wanting to have sex. This could be a jumping-off point for a discussion of the complexities of sex itself, of what sex means to someone who's aroused all the time, and of how a relationship can be fulfilling when vaginal intercourse is not, for the moment, an option (a situation that can come up at times for lots of couples, even without rare conditions like PGAD). Unfortunately, the BoingBoing commenters prefer to keep things simplistic.

The Woman Who Can't Stop Orgasming [BoingBoing]
Always Aroused: A Good Thing Gone Awry [MSNBC]

Dear Aretha & Susie,

A year and half ago I was put on Paxil to treat my crippling panic attacks and ever-worsening agoraphobia. It worked great! No more panic attacks...but also no more orgasms and a seriously decreased libido.

I read that those side effects usually went away within a couple months, but with me, they didn't. Earlier this year I went off the Paxil for a few reasons (like my orgasms and libido) and it was amazing. I was afraid I'd lost the ability to orgasm, but after I'd been medication-free for a few weeks, I was able to come hard, and multiple times. For a couple of months I masturbated every day, and enjoyed it so much. However, the panic attacks and anxiety came back. I went back on the Paxil.

I've been in a new relationship for the past two months. It's the best sex I've ever had, and I get a lot of pleasure out of it, but it is frustrating not to orgasm. I would love to be able to come with my new partner. Within the past month, I've even decreased my dose of my medication from 20mg to 10mg, hoping it would help— it hasn't.

The only way I can come is if he goes down on me and I need a lot of stimulation- clitoral and vaginal. Even then I don't always get there. I've had a few orgasms this way— it takes a long time, but I am always ecstatic when it does happen.

I suppose my question is, why do SSRIs have this side effect? What can I do to combat it while on the medication? I'm 22 years old; I don't want to be having sexual problems right now!

I cannot switch my medication or see my doctor. I am off of my parents' health insurance because I'm not a full time student this semester, so I'm restricted from my doctor and switching my medication. Ideally, I would like to see a therapist and deal with my panic disorder through therapy, but that's not a possibility right now.

-Grace

Aretha: You had to READ about the side effects of Paxil? They should have been the first words out of your doctor's mouth when you discussed an anti-depressant.

Paxil freaks me out. I had some friends in high school who were on Paxil until everyone found out that Paxil caused a lot of children and young adults to have suicidal thoughts, and in some cases, suicide. You're under 25? You should read this.

Frankly, if you're only having problems with your libido, I think you are getting off light.

Susie: Don't forget the birth defect issues. And you're newly in love with your boyfriend… you have motive to be concerned about your relationship's future.

Grace, there's a reason you haven't easily found out the why's and wherefores of SSRI's. These drugs and their mental health effects were discovered almost by accident, and physiologists are still arguing about why they work they way they do- or why the results are so different for each patient. Everyone taking SSRI's today is a guinea pig.

I am NOT cavalier about your mental health issues- panic and anxiety can bring your life to a halt. The irony is, Paxil itself is something to be anxious about.

Aretha: The best thing you can do is SEE A DOCTOR. And get your prescription changed. Period. And I would recommend seeing a different doctor next time! I understand you don't have any health insurance, so unless you can pay for a doctor's visit out-of-pocket- you are indeed in a fix.

Susie: You're dependent on your parents for health care. They probably care for you dearly, and you may have other devoted family, as well. These people give a damn about your health. Your panic attacks are of great concern to them- they would care if the treatment you're receiving is making you ill.

Face it, if you broke your leg, your family wouldn't say, "Too bad, you're only a part-time student, you can just stay home and make your own cast."

I know you're thinking, "I can't tell my parents, 'it's an emergency, my sex life is bumming out on Paxil.'" I understand that sexual dysfunction is considered a trivial pursuit by some, not essential to your physical or mental health. Even you act like, "Hey, I can get by."

I would encourage you to think of your entire brain stem and cerebral cortex with more care. Your difficulty with orgasms is symptomatic of enormous changes. Your testosterone may be down, your prolactin may be up, your Paxil is a vaso-constrictor that affects your blood stream as well as your synapses. The action of SSRI's suppresses the engorgement of erectile tissue.

If you tell your family, "I'm getting some relief with Paxil, but there's some weird side effects that are sickening me and I've been reading things too… I want to see a doctor ASAP" — would they refuse you?

If they do refuse (!!!) you need to investigate your school's health clinic. Find out what kind of nutrition, aerobics, meditation, and life-coping skills classes are being offered on your campus at little or no cost to students. Each one of these topics is a SERIOUS BOOK on response to anxiety and panic attacks. Your school's medical staff deals with thousands of students who are battling to stay in school because of mental health problems; they discuss these issues all the time. What about low-cost therapy?

Aretha: I'm familiar with your story about taking "drug holidays" where you STOP taking their drug for a couple of days to get their libido back. Sounds like you already took a long vacation, and you saw what happened. Ideally, all these different approaches should be consulted with a doctor before you do anything, of course!

Susie: It can be problematic to wean off Paxil. You were lucky.

Aretha: I notice you say you're having the best sex you've ever had.

Susie: Long luxurious cunnilingus… yeah, other people are drooling at your sexual dilemma.

Aretha: So, maybe things aren't too bad in the present.

Susie: -At least the short term sex effects. I'm more concerned about the big picture. If I was your mommy, I'd have you in a qualified psychologist's office faster than you can say "dopaminergic neurotransmission."

Aretha: Until next semester!

Dear Aretha & Susie,

I am 20 years old and I'm a virgin. Usually it doesn't bother me, but lately I've had the feeling that something is wrong with me. The problem isn't that nobody will fuck me, or even that nobody I'm attracted to will fuck me.

I'm 5'4", 240 pounds, and it makes me feel completely neutered.

I can honestly say I've never felt sexy in my life! If someone tries to get close to me, I become so self-conscious that I withdraw. I don't know what to do.

The obvious answer is lose weight, and I'm working on it, but part of me knows that the weight is just the peak of my self-esteem iceberg. How can I get over this? Do I just need a ton of therapy?

Luv,

Bummer City

Aretha: I think you are smart to point out that it's not your weight that's the base problem; it's a self esteem issue.

Susie: There are fat women who are digging sex and falling in love. There are 36-24-36-type individuals who are alone in their room, depressed, so shy they don't know where to begin.

Aretha: You just gotta say, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh-darn it, people like me!"

Susie: I think seeing the entire Stuart Smalley movie is essential, at least once a year.

Aretha: Look, fuck the weight calculations for now. Look around at what else is going on in your life… are you getting outside and getting enough exercise? Do you feel rested in the morning; do you have a fulfilling diet?

Susie: I'd encourage you to think of your "neutered" feelings as a health symptom. Are you depressed in other respects? Have you talked to any health-care pros about your medical history? How is your weight- or other issues, which you haven't mentioned- affecting your life? The sex stuff is one clue.

You have to go at this thing holistically… it's not your size versus your sexiness. Your "absence of feeling" is distressing. But you don't need a "TON" of therapy... you need a plan and small steps. And some help to do it. Your weight is just one part of it. These things are too hard to do alone. Aretha and I are so far away… I want you to have people on your side, listening and helping you, who are closer than an email.

Aretha: Do you masturbate? If you don't, I would recommend that you try it. The first step should be all about finding pleasure with yourself before you start tangling with other people and all their issues. When you're alone and you're feeling horny, there's no one else in the room to make you feel self-concious, right? I say, get wild!

Throw away all your icky expectations about what you should be like, what you should be doing, and just try to enjoy being yourself.

I KNOW, easier said than done.

Susie: But what else is there? You're on the verge… you already know you can't go on like you've been.

Aretha: The next time you're with someone and they try to "get close" - and you find yourself pulling away- try to notice what you're doing and PAUSE, just for a second! Ask yourself, "Do I feel safe?" "Do I want to withdraw or do I feel like I need to withdraw because that's what I always do?" "Am I going to be okay if I just stay in the moment with this other person?"

And if you end up pulling away, that's fine. The point would be that you knew what you were doing, and you made a conscious decision instead of just letting your self-esteem steer you around.

Susie and Aretha Update:

Aretha has been demonstrating for social justice, goddammit.

Susie's favorite review of her new book, Bitten, is the line that says: "Strange? Yes. Incredibly hot? Absolutely." Now that's justice for you.

This week: the female pre-ejaculator- and how far you can take sex for vanity's sake.

Dear Aretha & Susie,

Here's the thing: I've realized I haven't figured out sex yet.

I've never had an orgasm. All I want to do is make my boyfriend happy, put him in blissy-eyed nirvana, and impress him with my tight body. I like it but it's vanity – I want to be a good lay for him. Sex from the female perspective bores me. I can't imagine physical pleasure that would be appealing for its own sake.

This has its downside. I secretly will my boyfriend to come as soon as possible so we can stop. If I don't feel pretty, I can't get aroused. I can't masturbate – after all, there's nobody to impress if I'm alone.

When I was growing up, I was a "brain" and boys didn't notice me. Now men do notice me- and I like it- but I'm ashamed how badly I've come to need their attention.

I'm sure some of this will go away over time (I'm 21 and I've only slept with one person) but I could use a little help. My boyfriend has actually asked me to enjoy his body more. He wants me to ask him to do things for me, but I just can't. I want to be wanted- terribly, fearfully- and I have no goddamn idea what I want myself.

M'aidez! I'm so tired of being sexually dependent.

-Unblissed

Aretha: It's time to brain-wash yourself the other way around.

Here's the thing: Your boyfriend wants you to get off. Period! Men think it's AROUSING when women enjoy themselves in bed. It sounds like he's already been dropping you hints.

Susie: They're more than hints. Your BF is desperate. Did he write this letter for you?

Most lovers find it so difficult to ask for anything in bed, that if it rises to the level of a kind request, you can be sure he's been obsessing about it for hours, wondering how to break the ice.

Aretha: Have you told your boyfriend your feelings or is it a secret?

Susie: He'd find it enlightening to hear what you told us. Could you bring yourself to confide in him? Not in bed, but with your clothes on and all your wits about you.

This isn't going to disappear. Even your vanity is boring you. You're faced with deciding if this fellow is a treasure to cherish - or if you're moving onto the next "impressionable" young thing. Without your own pleasure, the superficial ego strokes are going to seem more and more paltry.

Aretha: You say that you can't find ANY physical pleasure that would be appealing, just for YOU.

What about... if your boyfriend gave you a massage? Or made you something delicious to eat?

Both of those things are also physical sensations that make you feel good, just like sex. Think of that the next time you're in bed with him. I know it can be hard to receive "the goods" when you're used to being the giver- so start small.

The next time you two are in bed, don't think, "And now… I am going to FORCE myself to HAVE AN ORGASM." Instead, ask your BF to give you a nice back rub or something before the sex even starts and you go into your "mode."

Let yourself be "treated," whether it's sexually, physically, or emotionally. In general, boyfriends LIKE to take care of their girlfriends and make them feel good, sexy, secure.

Susie: You've got one of those good ones in your bed right now.

I reviewed a book recently about a young woman's search for orgasm. Her disdain and cheeky humor about "not getting it" was all too familiar.

I wrote, "What does this lack of female orgasm mean? Is it like missing the Grand Tour of Europe - or the crosstown bus? Is it overrated?

"The young author got one lucid answer from an expert she queried, who's also a colleague of mine- Dr. Rae Larson.

"'People overvalue orgasm,' Larson told her. "They go looking for an orgasm instead of pleasure. Look for pleasure first; that will lead you to where you want to go.'"

I'm not going to twist your arm and tell you about masturbation, the clitoral body, and the wonders of sexual self-knowledge. You are obviously a well-read cookie.

Instead, find out what gives you a thrill. There is nothing boring about that. I don't care if it's pole-dancing, swimming in open water, bad porn, or jumping out of an airplane. You find out what makes your heart race, what makes you euphoric, what makes you involuntarily wet- and the orgasm will simply show up, a nervous system response to a well-lubricated limbic system.

Dear Aretha & Susie,

I have a frustrating sexual problem that masquerades as a blessing. I enjoy sex with my boyfriend of three years, and am able to orgasm every time. The problem is that I usually come in the first few minutes.

After this first orgasm, I just feel "done." It doesn't hurt to continue, but I lose interest in sex and my body seems to shut down to further stimulation. I've tried delaying my orgasm, but after penetration, there's only so long I can control myself without going down the path to orgasm.

While I can be perfectly happy with two-minute sex, my guy has stamina and wants to continue. He understands when I ask to stop- and he'll get off another way- but this mismatch in our timing makes it hard to stay connected during sex.

I'd also like to experience longer-lasting sex myself without a premature orgasm getting in the way. It's common to hear of men dealing with this problem, but as a woman, I don't know why I can't last during sex -or how come I can't keep going after my first orgasm.

What's the deal?

One-Minute Woman

Aretha: Huh. Interesting.

I have random ideas of what could help… and a lot of questions!

After you come, are "done" for the hour, or are you "done" for the day? Do you notice that you come quicker or slower depending on how often you and your boyfriend have sex? Do you ever masturbate and come BEFORE you have partner sex?

Have you tried different positions? Maybe something different that you normally don't do would help you last longer. Have you tried putting a pack of ice on your vagina? (Just kidding).

Susie: The icepack would definitely do it! I love this question. Men and women are so similar- and we're usually so focused on minute differences, we miss the big picture.

Women who are familiar with their lover and know what they like, often find that coming fast is easy. Too easy. You're confronted with the fact that you, Miss Considerate, feel like pushing the dude off of you, wham-bam-thank-you-m'am. We can all be selfish piggies.

Like any guy facing this question, you have to ask yourself, "Do I give a darn?"

There is some self-interest involved… as Aretha said, you can tease out the foreplay, a little variety, and drive yourself delightfully crazy. Make yourself beg for it before you give in… this can lead to some fun scenarios.That's what most women do in this situation. Doing algebra or baseball stats in your head is a little more perverse.

Or perhaps you'd like to give yourself wiggle room on the other end. You might not feel like doing ANYTHING in the first five minutes after coming, but try doubling or tripling that. When you come again, it will probably be slower but it might be more intense.

You've been with this guy for three years. You've probably laughed about being a "premie," or talked about it seriously at times. Furthermore, he must SEE what he does that drives you over the edge. Maybe he likes it that way, if he's so quick to oblige.

I would ask him, knowing each other as you do, what have been the best times for him, when it "clicked," timing-wise. Maybe you'll be surprised to compare answers.

No matter what you come up with, don't forget to reserve the special occasions for you to fly off the handle and start snoring in post-orgasmic slumber. How could anyone deny you that, every once in a while? I stand with you, in premature sisterhood.

Susie and Aretha Update!:

Susie has a new book out, Bitten: Dark Erotic Stories.

She is clasping to her breast a review by Greta Christina that says: "Bitten is almost completely compelling. Like, "reading it raptly until 2 in the morning, then masturbating as quietly as I can because I don't want to wake my partner but won't be able to fall asleep with these stories in my head until I do"- compelling."

And Aretha? She just started her first semester at university and the remote mike shorted out on her during the extra-credit question period in a 750-student sex education class.

The question was: "Species-wide, what makes females "female" and males "male"? Is it...

a) that males have testes and females don't

b) that females lactate and males don't

c) that males possess the "xy" chromosome and females the "xx"

d) that males have small gametes and females have large gametes

or

e) that females prefer monogamy more than males

Aretha would like you to know that eight students picked (e).

HOWEVER! The first EIGHT Jez readers who answer this question correctly, (no cheating!) win an autographed copy of Bitten. Mail your answer (and your snail mail address so we can ship it) RIGHT NOW to: sexperts@jezebel.com.

[Image via Vidiot]

One Taste, profiled by Patricia Leigh Brown and Carol Pogash in the New York Times, is a San Francisco residential center where 38 men and women learn to create "the orgasm that exists between them." They do this through what they call "morning practice," a 7 a.m. ritual in which couples gather in a room, the women strip to the waist, and the men "stroke" them until they orgasm. The couples don't have to be dating — they call each other "research partners." Participants call the practice "orgasmic meditation," and say it's more about "the 'hydration' of the self" than about sex. The bulk of the article, though, actually discusses whether or not founder Nicole Daedone has a Svengali-like hold on her students.

Killing Kittens, covered by Charlotte Hunt-Grubbe in the Times of London, sounds a little racier. This London sex club is also female-focused — a man can't get in without a woman. But the women in attendance have to be "conventionally good-looking" and one in three applicants is turned away. Once they're admitted, they can attend the club's high-class parties, frequently held at members' homes, where they can drink champagne, have sex with their partners or with new men or women, or just watch activities like an amateur porn director "buffing his bits" against porn stars in the shower. Drugs and cameras are strictly forbidden, but Hunt-Grubbe and a friend found both on their respective visits. And although condoms are provided, the screening process checks for hotness but not for STDs. Founder Emma Sayle says Killing Kittens is "about women - not alpha females who storm up to men - but feminine and sensual ones who can go and dance around in their underwear and drink with no pressure and no expectations, just free to feel sexy and have fun."

There's something strange about each of the sex club articles, and we're not just talking about waistcoat-wearing wannabe porn kings. Since the One Taste article is in a family newspaper, we get precious little information about the actual sex — or at least, sexual activity — that goes on there. We have to assume that the men are stroking their "research partners'" clits, but from the article it might as well be their hair. Brown and Pogash describe one man's fingering activities as "his task," and the most graphic they get is this description of a Buddhist's "contemplative sexuality" practice: "He invited her to lie down unclothed, set a timer and, while stroking her, proceeded to narrate in tender detail the beauty he saw, the colors that went from coral, to deep rose, to pearlescent pink." Sounds pretty, but the whole article left us feeling a little teased.

Hunt-Grubbe's Killing Kittens piece is strange for a different reason. She describes the clientele as "public-school [for Americans, this is like private school] products" and "high-flying" not once but twice, and makes sure to mention one member's Ferrari. Killing Kittens describes itself as catering to "the world's sexual elite," and while Hunt-Grubbe may not count herself in that number, she does let us know that she was roommates with "daughter of a diplomat" Emma Sayle at one of those oft-mentioned public schools.

Somebody once told me that everything is about sex, and sex is about everything else, and this seems especially true in these particular stories. For Hunt-Grubbe, sex — or at least one particular sex club — is actually about class. And for Leigh and Cogash, an article on a sex commune is about everything but sex. Maybe it proves that Americans and Brits are as prudish as people say — or maybe it just goes to show that the mainstream media is a difficult place to talk about the erotic.

The Pleasure Principle [New York Times]
Inside The Sex Club For Girls [Times of London]

"After doing it for so long, it stands to reason that I'd eventually get a handle on how things are going to go," Graney said. "But it varies wildly. There are times when even I'm thinking 'When is this going to be over?' It's like I can't finish up to save my life."

"And by now, you'd think I wouldn't have to worry about ejaculating too soon," Graney continued. "But nope. Every so often, I still totally jump the gun. When will I get some kind of control over this? I'm not trying to be Sting or anything, but Jesus Christ."

Graney cited other declining abilities, most notably in the arena of foreplay. By his estimate, the frequency with which he has been asked to stop performing cunnilingus or some other preliminary sex act due to his partner's physical discomfort has increased 22 percent over the past three years.

Basically, what we have here is a guy that either flails away with no skill to the point of mutual exhaustion without either of you getting off, or a guy that pops the champagne cork in immediate celebration of his ability to penetrate you. And, let's not even get started on the increasing frequency with which he is asked to stopped his undoubtedly poor attempts at oral — if a dude has been asked enough before that there is an increasing frequency with which he is asked to stopped, he's probably never been that good at it.

And you know how Graney got to the age of 28 without knowing that he sucks in bed? Because no one told him. Ladies, when you fake an orgasm, you're making a guy's terrible bedroom skills another woman's problem. Every time you pretend to climax while he's lying motionless beneath you, arms at his sides, you've convinced him that such is how its done. Every time you've faked enthusiasm for particularly tooth-enhanced and painful oral just to get the guy to quit it already, rather than telling him that he's doing it wrong, you've set up another woman's clitoris for the same poor treatment. Every time you've told him, "That happens to everyone" when he's ejaculated so quickly you barely realized he'd managed penetration, he's gonna believe that and think that it's okay.

The thing is, at 28, Graney is probably just now getting around to fucking 25-28 year old women (when he does get laid) — and, as we get older, we're more likely to tell a dude what the fuck he's doing wrong. So, he's probably not getting worse at it, he's probably just finally boning women who are apt to tell him exactly how bad he is at it. I mean, for fuck's sake:

"I'm always asking, 'Do you like that?' or 'How does that feel?' Way more than I used to," said Graney, adding that he now believes less than a third of his sexual encounters over the past 18 months were satisfying to the women involved.

If you've got to ask, dude, the answer is pretty much always no.

Ladies, for the sake of the rest of the sisterhood, I'm begging you: stop faking it. If for no other reason than that then he won't think the rest of us are frigid bitches when his orchestrations fail to bring us to a higher plan of consciousness. Our ladybits thank you.

Man Somehow Getting Worse At Sex [The Onion]

Tracy Clark-Flory at Salon beat the rest of us to the punch on Sunday, though, like for too many men, coming too early to the party doesn't necessarily make for the best time. Clark-Flory mostly runs through the findings, points out that there are sexually aggressive women and women who openly enjoy gay porn and then questions — as pretty much everyone does — the idea that so-called female narcissism is biological:

But I have a fundamental problem with the semantic framework. How is a woman's arousal at witnessing a man turned on by another woman's body narcissistic? Why isn't it simply that she's delighting in female sexual power? Is it necessarily narcissistic to enjoy driving your partner wild? And might it be that women focus on the idea of a man being turned on by a woman because our sexual culture revolves around that dynamic? The "narcissism" inference seems akin to suggesting that men's undivided focus on the female porn star being robotically pounded demonstrates an inborn interest in female pleasure. (Please!)

Actually, I think the studies sort of indicate that it's not "delighting in female sexual power," but that would be a good theory. Clark-Flory does hit it on the head with regards to Meana's work: that women's sexuality very tied to what we're taught are erotic images: the female form.

Amanda Marcotte at Pandagon says much of the same things with more intellectual rigor.

There is nothing inevitable about the sexualizing of the female body and not the male one. I suppose it’s “politically correct” to say so, but I think women’s bodies represent sex, and therefore cause arousal responses, in both sexes because we live in a male-dominated society where men who control our media-saturated culture put forward women’s bodies as sex objects while often avidly downplaying the sexual representation of male bodies, because they think it’s demeaning to be looked at as a sex object.

I do love when she gets a full head of steam up, so I'll just let her continue:

Women live in this culture, too. I can testify that it took me years to get past my cultural training that put all of men’s allowable physical appeal above the neck. “He has nice eyes/hair,” was the extent of girl talk about men’s physical characteristics. Now I’m happy to talk about men’s legs or ass or what have you, but I think that puts me on the far side of the “slutty” scale in our culture, still.

Honestly, with “being aroused by men’s bodies” taken off the table, and with much of your life being dedicated to living up to the image of a sexually attractive woman, is it any wonder that women eroticize being desired so strongly? Most women spend much of their time looking at themselves and trying to imagine what a straight man would see, because it’s our social duty to be sexually attractive.

Her best line, though?

The only people who think about women’s bodies more than straight men are women, for which you can thank/blame the patriarchy.

Courtney at Feministing takes aim at the article more than anyone else, from the inaccurate subtitles to the all-white illustrations. But she, too, is fascinated by Meana's assertion that women get turned on be being desired.

Wowzer. I think this is fascinating. In a world where women are often objectified against their will, is the ultimate turn on being able to control and even illicit our own objectification? This line of thinking also holds up when considering the number of women who have fantasies of being dominated, and sometimes raped. Is it sexually arousing to feel a sense of power over your own decision to submit in a world where you feel vulnerable to others domination against your will? (See Stacey May Fowles' essay in Yes Means Yes.)

And if this is the case, is it something we should problematize (i.e. why should my sexuality be determined by my experiences of a patriarchal society? what would it look like if it was truly created from my own original physiology, emotional states, and ideas? is that even possible?) or should we embrace it and get off, counting it as sweet revenge on a half-changed world?

In other words, should we spend so much time worrying about what gets us off as much as just getting off? I have a preferred answer to that.

Courtney does have the best parting shot — and criticism of author Daniel Berger— of anyone:

All fascinating questions, not really explored in much depth by Berger, who by virtue of writing this piece, controls how the researchers' voices and ideas get organized and communicated (interesting parallel to how female sexuality gets processed through a male lens so often).

Jill Filipovic at Feministe strikes just the right tone between rant, intellectual rigor and just plain kick-assness:

How about the fact that women grow up in a society that is centered on men’s experiences and lives? That the female body is used as a representation of sex itself, whereas (hetero) men’s experiences and understandings of sex dominate our cultural narrative? To go back to an old feminist gem, men watch; women watch themselves being watched.

And women’s bodies are positioned as public property. Whether it’s ongoing political battles about what we can and can’t do with our reproductive systems or a cultural religious/virginity narrative that places female sexuality as a bartering chip between male “protectors” or not being able to walk down the damn street without a reminder that we don’t have the same right to public space as men do, to be female is to be told, “Your body is not yours.”

Plus there’s the fact that female bodies are marked as decorative, whereas male bodies are active. Men’s bodies do things — they represent strength, ability, power. Women’s bodies look like things — they represent sex, beauty, fertility.

Of course we feel disconnected from our bodies. Of course that impacts our sex lives.

I love a good nurture-over-nature partisan. She then takes on, and eviscerates, the biological "narcissism" argument.

Shocking, absolutely shocking, that when women are raised in a culture that equates the female body with sex itself, that positions the female body as an object of desire, and that emphasizes that being desired is the height of female achievement, women will see sex as a process primarily centered on male attraction to women, and will get off more on being wanted than on wanting.

Shocking, too, that when “naked chick” is cultural shorthand for “sex,” women will look at naked chicks and think “sex.”

It’s not narcissism. It’s a lifetime of experiencing the world secondarily, and seeing ourselves through male eyes; it’s the lack of agency and power that comes with being an object to be looked upon.

Way to put her finger on the problem with the argument that it is somehow a biological impulse for women to view nude women as sexual.

What Do Women Want? [New York Times]
Narcissism: The Secret To Women's Sexuality! [Salon]
Women Want Less Condescending Articles About What We Want [Pandagon]
New York Times' Post-accurate Framing of Female Desire [Feministing]
Sometimes just reading the headline is enough to know an article will make you feel stabby [Feministe]

Unfortunately, we're having trouble tracking down the cover of the April 2000 issue of Glamour (any leads? email me.) But our own Anna was employed at Glamour in 2000, and she says: "The rumor around the office was that the magazine was getting letters of complaint." Apparently kids in supermarket checkout lines were all, "Mommy, what's an orgasm face?"

But the worst part of this whole thing, of course, is the manufactured insecurity this kind of story is designed to instill. It's not enough that you have to worry about your pores, your body hair and your weight: Now you need to think about what you look like while in the throes of ecstasy. Because at the very moment when you're about to shudder from paroxysms of delight, your man is judging you. Didn't you know? And really, who cares how you're feeling in bed. What is he thinking? That's ladymag gold.

Jessica Simpson Gives Us the Usual Fare For Cosmo [PopSugar]
Glossy Garbage [American Family Association]
What Do You Think When You See Her Orgasm Face? [FAQs]

Turns out the study does make a distinction between "vaginal orgasm" and "clitoral orgasm." Vaginal orgasm is defined as orgasm resulting from "penile buffeting of the cervix" (hottest description of sex we've read all day) and not by clitoral stimulation. The study alleges that because more nerves and hormones are involved in cervix-buffeting action, vaginal orgasms are better for "sexual satiety and mental health." Women who can orgasm vaginally also apparently less likely to use "immature psychological defense mechanisms" like converting psychological problems into physical ailments.

So how did those sexologists determine whether a woman could achieve this sexual gold standard? "The basis for judgment was the global impression of the women's free, fluid, energetic, sensual manner of walking." Judging the sensuality of a woman's walk sounds like a job for scientists at Maxim University, but it is worth noting that the scientists were accurate over 80% of the time in judging whether a woman could have a vaginal orgasm.

What does this mean? It means that in a study population of sixteen Belgian university students, a particular sexual response may be associated with a particular walk. What the scientists have added to this somewhat interesting revelation are value judgments — a "free, fluid, energetic, sensual" walk, "immature defense mechanisms." They even say that their study may support the notion that "muscle blocks" are related to "impairment of sexual and character function." Basically the whole study hinges on the rather Freudian notion that some behaviors are more "mature" than others, and that if we don't walk sensually we might have a malfunctioning character.

But there's hope! The authors note that they misidentified two women as vaginally orgasmic who actually were not. They may have just been wrong, they admit, but "it might be that the women have the capacity for vaginal orgasm, but have not yet had sufficient experience or met a man of sufficient quality to induce vaginal orgasm." Yes, men, this study has something for you to feel bad about too. If your partner can't come, it's probably because your "quality" sucks. Better get to a quality therapist right away.

Earlier: Something In The Way She Moves: Does A Woman's Gait Predict Her Orgasmic Ability?

First of all, let's take the term "history of vaginal orgasm." We've asked for access to the study itself, but so far we only have the press release to go on. According to this rather bizarre document, "history of vaginal orgasm" appears to mean a woman's ability to have orgasms from penile-vaginal sex. But does that mean penis contact alone, or was additional clitoral stimulation also allowed? Since only about 7 percent of women can always come from P-in-the-V alone, the question is an important one.

Then there's study author Stuart Brody's analysis: "Blocked pelvic muscles, which might be associated with psychosexual impairments, could both impair vaginal orgasmic response and gait." Brody also hypothesizes that women who experience penile-vaginal orgasm are more confident. Could be true, but it shouldn't be. Having an orgasm isn't like sinking a free throw or delivering a PowerPoint presentation — it's not a skill women should judge themselves on. Thinking of yourself as good or bad at orgasms (a mindset only encouraged by the use of words like "impairment") probably leads to worse sex, not better.

The fun continues! The authors say that "confidence might also be related to the relationship(s) that a woman has had, given the finding that specifically penile-vaginal orgasm is associated with indices of better relationship quality." That study is online (subscription-only), and it was conducted on 30 Portuguese women who "were all undergraduate psychology students, workers in a facility for the mentally retarded, or performing artists" (a follow-up study will no doubt consider the relationship quality of cowgirls, aquarium workers, and rodeo clowns). These women rated their relationships more highly if they experienced penile-vaginal orgasms, but not orgasms from anal, oral, or masturbation. Again no data on whether in those P-V orgasms included vibrator or finger assistance. Do sexologists not get that this is important? Apparently not, nor do they shy away from statements like "It is possible that women who are focused on clitoral masturbatory stimulation are less attuned to the more interactive and neurophysiologically more complex behavior of penile-vaginal intercourse" (nah, they're probably just blind) or "Characterological factors might lead some women to choose sexual behaviors other than penile-vaginal intercourse for the very reason that those other behaviors are less intimate" (because the intimacy of an act is totally a measurable quantity that's the same for everyone).

I don't mean to knock sex research here — it can be interesting and even useful. And I'm prepared to believe that penile-vaginal sex has unique benefits for some heterosexual couples. But let's take these studies for what they are — measurements of other people, and often incomplete measurements at that. They can't measure what makes us feel good, and they shouldn't dictate how we feel about ourselves.

Gait May Be Associated With Orgasmic Ability [EurekAlert]

See, I never even made out in public in high school (parents, if you want to keep your kids from parking, my dad highly recommends letting them drive nothing but a tiny 2-door stick shift car; worked wonders for him). Of course, I made out in my basement, or my boyfriend's bedroom, or his attic, his bathroom, on a friend's couch, my bedroom... but never in a car. I was always terrified of getting caught and at least by doing it in our houses we were limiting who might catch us.

Then I went to college on an urban campus — no cars, no private spots. My sophomore year, I visited a boyfriend at his college and we made out in his car just so I could say I'd made out in a car, but it was February in upstate New York and we were in a well-lit parking lot, so no clothes were coming off. The closest I came to doing it in a car was in Germany when I studied abroad — with no where else to go, we parked in a remote spot on campus but, without a condom, we alternated oral (on me) and manual (on him) and neither of us got naked. Twice since I've gone manual with guys in cars — in parking garages, after hours, God bless a man with good fingers — but I've never done anything in a bathroom, an office building, on a beach, in a park, basically, nowhere fun or naughty or exciting. I don't consider myself a particularly prudish person, but I feel like the fear of getting caught wouldn't heighten the thrill of having sex, it would just be something I wouldn't be able to get off my mind long enough to orgasm well.

Obviously, exhibitionists are a different story, so I understand the thrill there is not the possibility of getting caught as much as actually getting caught. But, I'm hard-pressed to believe that 22 percent of people in that big a survey are straight-out exhibitionists dying to perform before an audience. So, what am I missing... or, at 30, have I already missed it?

Single Shot: Why Do People Have Sex In Public Places? [Seattle Post-Intelligencer]

Earlier: Horny? Sure Hope It's Not "Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome!"

Okay, so here's the first news. Basically what happened is a scientist found a bigger area of tissue between the urethra and the vagina among women who report vaginal orgasms.This would seem to jive with the idea that injecting the area with collagen can make any G-spot more sensitive, since collagen is, you know, "tissue." Now, other scientific G-spot experts claim this could just be due to the fact that women who report vaginal orgasms, um, work out that area more, and therefore the tissue is bigger on account of all the exercise, like with muscle. Could this explain why serious runners sometimes report spontaneous orgasms? Can you tell it's been fourteen years since my last biology class?? Fuck I'm old. Old and horny.

Ultrasound Nails Location Of Elusive G-Spot (Heh heh "nails") [New Scientist]
Vaginal Orgasm: Truth Or Myth [The F Word]

G-Shot Parties: A Shot At Better Sex? [ABC News]

• So uh, not so much cracking this holiday week. Former Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto was gunned down killed on the campaign trail. We broke down the geopolitical conflict for y'all.
  
• Speaking of geopolitical conflict, apparently Sarah Jessica Parker hates Kim Cattrall. Just like the Muslims and Hindus!
  
• In other news, some women come during childbirth
  
• The women of Generation X aren't coming at all.
  
• Anna Nicole came early and often, and she threw one hell of a Christmas party.
  
• Christmas wasn't so great for other people, like wretched Tatiana the tiger and her unfortunate human victim.
  
• But even though some of us had to work during this holiday week, we can all take comfort in the fact that a certain someone kicked Moe's ass in the Traveler IQ Challenge. Suck on that, yo!

Whoa, whoa wait. Back. It. Up. I've never experienced any sexual side effects, so I decided to do a little research to see if her stats held water. And just by doing a quick Google search, I found several articles refuting that 70 percent statistic. Take this article from the Harvard School of Public Health, which summarizes several studies on the sexual side effects of SSRI users and reports that the highest percentage of sexual side effects in any of the studies is 34%. (Strangely, the fear-mongering subhead of the Psychology Today article, "How SSRIs Wreak Havoc On Courtship", is just as misleading, as the article itself notes that a diligent shrink will work with a patient to find the right combination of meds that you know, doesn't clit-block an orgasm.)

But could I be calling bullshit on this study prematurely? Perhaps! So I'd like to see how the medicated Jezzies out there stack up to Psychology Today's statistics. Take our poll below, won't you?
I can't wait to hear what you pillheads are experiencing.

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Sex, Love, and SSRIs [Psychology Today]
My Boyfriend is on Zoloft [Psychology Today]
The Power of Love [Psychology Today]