I know I'm always saying that these books aren't made for women, but for extraterrestrials who want to understand humans. That was confirmed when I looked at the table of contents for this volume.

The book starts off with an introduction called "The Unchanging Child," and it features a bunch of images of children through the ages. This one of Madonna and child makes me very uncomfortable.

I guess I just didn't know that Jesus was born with genitalia so similar to Chyna Doll's.

Then there's this terrifying portrait of an argument for sterilization.

Clearly, his direct descendant is Seth Green.

This photo was part of a collage about children developing personalities. If you ask me, the dog is totally upstaging this kid and his boring toy.

He's got LOL material written all over him!

This photo was in the chapter about how precious and beautiful babies are. The caption reads: "Does anything renew your faith and hope in life as much as the endearing, appealing, heart-warming smile of your beloved baby?" I dunno. I wouldn't let that kid kiss me, what with that herpes sore chillin' by her lip.

I know that I say that herpes is whatevs and all, but up top is the only place where I don't have herpes, and I'm certainly not about to contract an STD unless the "S" is involved. Know what I'm sayin'?

And now it's time for our "Future Serial Killers of America" segment. Let's hurt animals!

And build dirty bombs!

And demonstrate an acquired taste for human brains!

And now it's time for our "Future Homosexuals of America" segment.

He's all, "You want me to wear that? Where's the wow factor here?"

This was perhaps the most helpful thing in the entire book. This is a proposed craft project to teach your children where babies come from.

So, apparently the origin of babies has something to do with a donkey with balls that poops out sperm tails. Hmm...An ass with balls that poops out sperm? Hey little boy, I have a decal with a "wow factor" for ya!

Earlier: Woman Alive: How To Decorate Without Going Broke
Woman Alive: The American Family In Trouble
Woman Alive: Food For Life, Love, And Looks
Woman Alive: Discover A Lovelier You

We meet Patti sliding a pan of rolls into a demonstration oven, doing a presentation for National Electric.

"Be careful," she warns herself as she talks about waffles. "These men were all in the grain industry and they were holding their convention here in Chicago to promote the sales of the grain they grew and milled throughout the Middle West. She'd better do justice to their fruits of the soil or she wouldn't go very far as a home economist."

Things continue. "On yellow paper plates, with a scalloped yellow paper napkin, Patti placed a hot buttered roll, a cheese tartlet, and a small ham cornucopia." However, one insolent young man in the audience keeps lobbing insolent questions at her, about her rolling pin, her methods, and the point of her work.

"With dignity, and a trace of peppery temper, Patti Lewis explained why and how nutrition is as vital a field as nursing. Getting full nourishment out of foods — educating the public in good food habits — advising food manufacturers what Mrs. Public wants and can afford to buy - preventing waste and spoilage of food — in short, the job was to help all sorts of Americans to live healthily, economically, and well."

The jerk is still skeptical — and his skepticism is confirmed when her Lady Baltimore Cake fails to rise!

Patti is humiliated. He reminds her of her ex. "What right had Carl or the heckler to take such a dim view of this feminine profession, and of feminine talents in general?...Any challenge to her work did challenge her value as a person. She believed in her field so wholeheartedly!" Her training, we learn, has involved "chemistry, bacteriology, physiology, psychology, sociology and economics, to say nothing of cookery, administration and journalism.

Her work for National Electric involves writing recipe booklets, answering consumer mail ("will you suggest a menu for a midnight buffet supper?"), and demonstrations. "What she really longed to do was creative or experimental cooking: to devise new food products."

Instead, she's given work making cakes for Lincoln's and Washington's birthdays. "She'd had the idea of tiny individual layer cakes. With different sides iced in red (strawberry), white (vanilla, of course), and blue (only vailla with a touch of tint, but who cared?), they had genuine novelty."

Next, she's transferred to the editorial department, writing cookbooks and copy for TV. "She was rather awed by the stunning high-voltage women in these penthouse offices." Work in the recipe test kitchen involves "three variations on a tomato juice cocktail" of which a "semifrozen one turned out to be exciting."

Then, just when everything is going well, Patty encounters the furious guy again at a demonstration. This time he's accompanied by a languid beauty in furs. Patti manages to convince him of the wisdom of marinating lamb chops in French dressing, but the tension still seethes.

Patti accepts a job working for Mid-West Flour in another state as their in-house development and home economics head. Imagine her shock, upon arriving, to find she's working for Jim Wheeler, the insolent skeptic! Seems he's the reluctant heir to Mid-West, who resents being stuck in Indian City. But Patti soon finds she has bigger problems than the disturbingly attractive Jim Wheeler. Leo Feist, the manager, thinks she's a young flibberdigibit with newfangled notions. She also has to find a way to sell more of Mid-West's biscuit mix.

Meanwhile, she fixes up the gloomy test kitchen with new curtains and "an inexpensive wallpaper in a Pennsylvania Dutch pattern" and moves into the adorable apartment that's thrown in with the job (standard in these books). She gets to work in earnest on the biscuit mix, cranking out batch after batch of biscuits and soliciting comments from her colleagues. "Did they keep well? Could they be reheated, and not be dry or tough?" She also works to improve the packaging: "Did it keep the mix fresh? Was it easy to open, and close again?" She decides to promote the mix with a buffet supper "featuring a delicious chicken pie with biscuit crust, and fruit shortcake." Jim Wheeler, increasingly besotted with the vision of Patti in her trim white apron, pronounces the idea "slick."

The supper is a success! Jim is thrilled and love begins to bud. But then there's a fiscal crisis! The grim fuddy-duddy is triumphant and wants the little company to be bought out by a big mill — unless they can lower their prices and make a superior biscuit mix? Can Patti create a lower-cost version of the mix, using soy flour? She can! A government order for thousands of pounds of mix gets them out of the hole and brings her glory. Jim, now a devoted miller, confesses his love.

"What more vital work than to bring her scientific skills to the aid of hungry peoples? What more urgent work than preventing spoilage of food and easing famine? For this was no temporary situation, and Patti knew much of the world's unrest and war stemmed from hunger."

And so, one imagines, dozens of starry-eyed high-school girls ventured into the important world of Home Economics, ready to make biscuits, win the boss's heart, and feed the word.

Earlier: Career Romance For Young Moderns: A Measure Of Love

First, let's look through Mademoiselle from May of 1961.

One cover line boasts a full 38 pages of clothes for, amongst other things, "job-goers," "plaid-faddists," and "...other summer people." Did they run out of other ways to label people based on things they wear/do that are somewhat related to the summer months? How can their creativity be so limited when they can boast so many pages of editorial fashion?

Oh, but look what we found a few pages in:

A dreamy Maidenform ad!

We found one editorial about Southern college girls' dances (or whatever), in which a young Southern Belle had super-realistic aspirations!

Ah, so your choices are getting married or becoming a model? Wow, what a charmed life you lead. And this was before models were expected to maintain a BMI of 14 or lower. This girl is pretty much on an express train to Betty Draper town.

Speaking of Betty:

Here she is in a fashion spread!

Oh, and look who else we found:

Our favorite little former-secretary, current junior copywriter on Madison Avenue! Right next to the ads for the illustrious Barbizon modeling school.

Well, the rest of the magazine is pretty much just ads for lipstick and spoons (Seriously, WTF is up with the ads for spoons in old magazines?) but we were able to find this little gem of an ad:

It is nice to see an ad for women traveling alone (even if they are mostly surrounded by square-jawed men) and it is also nice to remember that at one point in time women with low-paying jobs could afford to take trips to the Caribbean. Those days are pretty much gone thanks to rising fuel prices and a horrible economy.

Moving on, we found an old issue of Charm from July of 1951. It may be a decade before Mad Men takes place, but the magazine can give us some insight to the working women of that era.

This handy little editorial talked about the most important part of a working woman's day—getting dressed—and also ran some numbers about women in the workforce. The biggest group was, naturally, the "office workers:"

The "office worker" category should not be limited to secretaries, however, as one woman proves that they also include the magazine's editorial assistants in the realm of "office work."

Aw, how cute, she isn't going to be the boss of anyone! And, again, the goal is marriage, marriage, marriage! You know, lest you think she is a spinster or, even worse, a lesbian!

The magazine does discuss high-powered women too (after teachers and nurses):

That's kind of a large number of women, isn't it? Maybe the mid-century workplace wasn't as packed-full of hostile males as our beloved Mad Men wants us to believe. But then again, these are un-citied, un-verified stats that were probably pulled out of some writer's ass when pressed to make catchy headlines for her story.

Here are some things that you don't see that often in Mad Men, or even in contemporary women's magazines:

Wow, "Married or single, her life is full and satisfying"? Even in 2008 women are taught by magazines that we are never going to Have It All and lead a satisfying life no matter what decisions we make. Well, we guess that "already satisfying life" doesn't really sell perfume and shoes (and spoons!) that well.

By the way, here is the woman who was featured as the real-life "lady executive" (and fashionably behatted vagina-owning boss-woman) Eleanor W. Howard:

We tried to dig up some more info on her but all we could find out is that she used to work in advertising and is in charge of "advertising, publicity, and fashion coordination" at Miron Mills, Inc. when this picture was taken. Perhaps advertising wasn't as male-dominated as Mad Men would like us to believe, huh?

Oh well, it is just a television show.

Janey is a model. And not just any model — the face of exclusive boutique Elaine's! So why does the first scene find her crying in the rain? She's gained weight.

"Think of it as four pounds of butter in all the wrong places. The Medina girl came in for her trousseau, and I had to model it because we are, or rather were, the same size. The wedding gown had a basque waist. When they zipped me in it looked awful."

Elaine is furious! And Janey's bitchy roommates are no help: "Martha had made the casserole again: raw brown rice, ground beef, button mushrooms, and on top wads of cashew nuts." (Ew. -Ed.) They spitefully tell her she can have a cup of skimmed broth instead. It develops Janey can't marry her weird feeder boyfriend, Jim, because she has to support her grandma and is only qualified.

"On the other hand, how could she hold Jim's interest if she lived on lettuce and grapefruit and continued to look like a two-armed road sign?"

"Are you trying to kill yourself?" he roars. "Do you know what happens to girls who don't eat properly?"
"They keep their jobs," she retorts.

They arrive at a "solution": she'll binge for a week then go to a "beauty farm" to "take off the excess."
According to this plan, she has "cream in her coffee, and three big jam-filled crullers." Feeder Jim is thrilled. "Never had Jim been so approving. He even understood that she couldn't start out by eating as much as he. Her intake had shrunk. But each evening she could consume a little more." He also says stuff like, "Have some more scalloped potatoes; they use real cream in these."

She puts on ten pounds and goes to the "beauty farm." But when she arrives, she finds Jim has double-crossed her: the farm wants to fatten her up even more! "There are girls who can maintain a model's figure without sacrificing their health. You're not one of them," says the director.

Finally she talks the director into letting them "restack her" — ie, redistribute her weight so she can model. She is inducted into the world of the Beauty Farm, with its psychiatrist, doctor, dietician, athletic director, assorted patients, some of whom appear to be mentally ill, and diet regimens that seem to center around steaks swimming in pools of melted butter. They're given a lot of literature saying things like, "health and beauty are one, for who can be beautiful without health?' Janey is forced to spend her time with a woman who's supposed to be catatonic, but who gets cured as soon as Janey shows up.

Anyway, after a week at the Beauty Farm, Janey, through a sadistic regimen of hikes in the rain, has slimmed down enough to go back to work at Elaine's. Right off the bat, she is asked to model a salmon lame number. But, lo and behold, it won't zip! Long story short: Elaine has altered the gown so Janey seems too fat to model and has to be fired. Why she couldn't just fire her is unclear. Janey goes back to the Beauty Farm instead to learn the art of "beauty cultivation."

Then things just get weird. Janey's grandmother shows up and explains why Janey's insecure:
"You were such a beautiful child, Grandpa feared you'd grow up vain. So he picked imaginary flaws. He overdid it...He was a fine man, but prejudiced about beauty in women. You see, a great beauty turned him down before he married me."

Oh, and then we find out why her boyfriend Jimmy is a feeder: the aunt who raised him. "She's a good woman, but she had funny ideas about food. And she was thin as a rail...I half starved during my growing years, for food and affection, and somehow I associated slenderness with a form of extreme attrition. To me, someone real plump was the antithesis."

Um, so that's that. Cured through the magic of psychology and the beauty farm! A measure of love, indeed.

When I opened the cover and saw that the first image was this chick getting wasted and weirdly fucking around with her kitten and a pair of scissors while her man did all the grunt work, I knew this book had me at "What's happening?"

As I suspected, this volume of Woman Alive was a lot like the others in the series in that it doesn't give you that much practical information beyond "Have you heard about wallpaper!?" However, there was this chart, which explains everything you always wanted to know about carpeting, but never bothered to ask, since we all prefer hardwood floors these days.

Here's a bunch of weird, impractical furniture that doesn't even have a store credit so that you can go out and buy it, should you desire that Real World living experience.

This, however, I find incredibly practical for my lifestyle, since I work from home and never have to go anywhere. If I had a situation like this, I wouldn't even have to do my daily grind commute from my bed to my couch. I could just roll over.

Here are some more looks that the reader is never told how to achieve. I want to live in this second photo.

I'm not really into this room, but I'm totally digging the couple who lives in it. Look at them! They are getting loose. No shoes, no sobriety, no problem.

I never knew how into decorative doors I was until reading this book. The molding on all of these was glued on. There you go for a tip.

Earlier: Woman Alive: The American Family In Trouble
Woman Alive: Discover A Lovelier You
Woman Alive: Food For Life, Love, And Looks

See what I mean? Totally a book for aliens.

One of the chapters in the book is called "When Your Husband Loses His Job." Here's an excerpt:

A man's sense of identity is closely bound up with his job. His confidence stems in large measure from being able to do his work well, to hold his own with other men, and to provide adequately for his family. The loss of his job is a threat to his masculinity, a blow to his ego so powerful that it may have a physical as well as a mental effect on him.

The chapter offers advice on how women really need to be emotionally supportive, while not draining their finances on their "usual scotch and sirloin steaks, and having her weekly appointment at the beauty salon." And while there aren't any blatant tips of "Hey lady why don't you go get a job?" there is one sentence in caption that says, "Today, women, too, are taking direct action to secure better pay and working conditions."

The next chapter is called "Sons and Daughters" and this is the page of images that's used to open it:

I stared at it for a while and was like, "Whuuuuuuuuuut?" It kinda looks like that "one of these things is not like the other" thing from Sesame Street. It turns out that it's supposed to be examples of teenage rebellion, which makes it even more hilarious because that guy on the bottom right is already experiencing signs of male-pattern baldness, so it would seem that his parents fucked up raising him way long ago. Also, maybe this is a generational thing, but I don't remember doing any of those things as a way of acting out (certainly don't remember breastfeeding an infant in a room of naked hippies). My rebellion was limited to dying my hair pink, shoplifting from Claire's, using a lunchbox as a purse, and taking my parents' car for a joyride without asking (or having a license). Oh, and I guess I also dated a 27-year-old guy, so maybe that picture on the bottom right-hand corner makes a bit of sense now.

The rebellious acts of children that this chapter covers range from "trashing" (which apparently is '70s speak for "vandalism") and living in sin, like this couple:

Did men just age horribly back then or something? I totally thought it was her dad, but it turns out it's the guy she's shacking up with.

Another problem that arises with pain-in-the-ass kids?

Rallying in favor of abortion—now legalized but still a subject of controversy.

If this chick were my daughter, the only beef I'd have with her would be jealousy over how supremely awesome she is at making posters. She's protesting with a poster of a protester protesting with a poster!

This passage is for Sarah Palin:

If your daughter is pregnant, there is one thing that you and your husband must consider above all else: how your daughter feels, and what she wants to do. This is not as easy as it sounds. Your daughter is bound to be undergoing a great many conflicting emotions. She may be too distressed and confused to know what she wants, or her decision may not coincide with yours. If the boy says he wants to marry her, for example, you may breathe a sigh of relief. But is your daughter sure she wants this? Is she being pressured? Is he doing the "right" thing because it is expected of him? A hasty wedding may save everyone's face temporarily, but the chances are that a marriage made under pressure will not be successful.

Naturally, the chapter "Drugs and Your Child" has the coolest looking people. Sienna, is that you?

This quiz is from the chapter "The Drinking Problem," which evidently, we all have, since you're an alcoholic if you answer "yes" to 2 or more of these questions.

So what have I learned from this book? All the hairy bullshit stress in life stems from your husband or your ungrateful children. God, did my mom write this?

Earlier: Woman Alive: Food For Life, Love, And Looks
Woman Alive: Discover A Lovelier You

Let's start with what the authors of this book consider a balanced diet. Notice how there's nothing green here at all.

When I got a colonic, the lady administering it (read: the lady in charge of my shit tube) listed stuff I should and should not be eating so that I could achieve regular, healthy bowel movements. Nine of the 12 edibles pictured above were on the "do not eat" list.

A lot of people who are lactose intolerant actually poop more when they eat dairy, but it just binds me something horrible so just looking at a picture like this, of a woman drinking a glass of whole milk (BTW, barf!) makes me feel all bloated.

Her outfit is awesome though.

I figured there would be lots diet tips amongst all the "healthy" talk, seeing as how this book is for women. I was right. According to this book, we're supposed to be reducing our calorie intake by the age of 15.

This picture was in the chapter "Dieting for Looks." She's supposed to be an example of someone looking to lose weight. Funny that there isn't a single mention of eating disorders.

Here's a chart of all the body types. I don't fit into any of these descriptions. However, I do tend to burn like that third chick.

I think this book had some kind of hidden agenda against the "health food industry" because it keeps trying to debunk the supposed benefits of organic food.

The whole health foods craze is beset with misnomers. Take the term "health food" itself. There is no scientifically based evidence to suggest that the so-called health foods are better for than other foods. The words "chemical" and "organic" are also commonly misused. To say that you want to eat food that contains no chemicals is a contradiction in terms, because all foods are chemical substances. Health food devotees often claim that their food is better because it's "organic." What they really mean is that it is grown on land enriched with fertilizers such as animal dung and garden compost. Almost all of our food is organic, simply because it is composed of organic chemicals. health foods are also often described as "pure foods." Does this mean that foods bought at ordinary stores are impure? Not necessarily. On the other hand, some so-called pure foods, although they may not contain any added chemicals, contain naturally occurring poisonous substances.

I'm no dietician, but that whole paragraph just stinks of bias and inaccuracy. The best though, is how much this book is into freezing things. They give you different ways to freeze and store strawberries:

That page should be called "Instructional Diabetes."

Lastly, this is supposed to be a page that shows vital, healthy women. For some reason, I find it totally disturbing and threatening.

Earlier: Woman Alive: Discover A Lovelier You

Just an idea of the awesome '70s graphic design. Elton is psyched to talk about sex!

Warren Beatty discusses what turns him on. A definable waist is a must.

Al Pacino's fantasy involves boredom and a seven foot woman. Anyone care to deconstruct?

Jack Nicholson wants you to help him vomit. Any volunteers?

Two or three dozen naked women, Telly? Seriously?

Tina Turner is awesome. That is all.

Elton John's theme song is Cheap Trick's "I Want You To Want Me."

Dear Pam Grier, Did you hear the one about Truman Capote being gay?

Beauty—today that one little world has as many facets as a diamond. it means fashion magazines, models, and movie stars. It means a thousand and one products and services, from cosmetics and the latest fashions, to hair stylists and figure experts. It even means controversy, at least to a few members of Women's Lib, who say that womanly beauty is overstressed. But the desire to be attractive is as natural and timeless as human nature itself. This book, then takes a fresh and happy approach to skin and hair care, make-up and clothes, diet and exercise. And, as a bonus, there's a chapter on the intriguing relationship between looks and self-image, and an in-depth report on cosmetic surgery.

The book starts out with a chapter called "Self-Image, The Key to Your Looks." This part made me laugh:

The desire to be beautiful—or at least without noticeable imperfections—seems to be as universal among women as the desire to succeed is among men....But should we want to be beautiful? We all know what the most militant members of Women's Lib feel on this score....Is there anything in what the militants say? NO, if what they really mean is that we should neglect our looks entirely, just let ourselves go, and devote our energies to self-expression.

It's funny 'cause it's true.

The caption for this picture read, "At the beginning, all of us experiment uncertainly with the paraphernalia of feminine adornment—and who can't remember the delight and excitement of staring into a mirror at a face that is clearly your own, but subtly changed by the unfamiliar magic of the lipstick."

And who can't remember the delight and excitement of realizing that "the lipstick" can somewhat distract people from your pronounced Amblyopia?

A lot of the information on how to make yourself seem "lovelier" seems really counterproductive. Case in point, this lady isn't exactly selling me on the benefits of highlighting:

And while we're on the topic of hair:

This was actually in the book as a "Do" not a "Don't" with the caption reading, "This hairpiece creates an elaborate coiffure for that special evening." What kind of evening? A black-tie cow milking? A night at the circus? Being Tyra Banks at panel?

I was actually disappointed that there weren't better, more exact makeup and hair tips. (Um, how could they not explain back combing, considering the era?) This was about as specific as they got, which seems to be an example of how to go from Woody Allen to RuPaul in 10 steps.

Back to counterproductive, these are facial exercises that are recommended:

That's like putting you on the fast track to Botoxville.

This is a color chart of some kind. I can't make heads or tails of it. Dark skin? Light skin? Wha!? Tell me what friggin' color I'm supposed to wear and in what season.

And lastly, I leave you with boob exercises:

The company sold to the public and to Hollywood; it supplied the copper-green makeup that Margaret Hamilton wore as the Wicked Witch of the West in The Wizard of Oz as well as Tru-Color, "the world’s first perfect lipstick… non-drying but indelible." Max died in 1938, but his son Frank changed his name to Max, so the business transition was seamless. Unlike some other make-up artists, Max Factor was never painted as an effeminate type, the new book points out: "Photographs of Factor show him simultaneously as makeup artist, chemist, and father figure." Some great old Max Factor ads, below.

Max Factor’s “Crushed Rose” lipstick, 1955.
Is he going to kiss her or give her mouth to mouth?
Max Factor’s “Tru-Color Lipstick,” featuring Evelyn Keyes, 1942.
Never, ever heard of a "brownette" before. Interesting.

“Max Factor Hollywood” lipstick, featuring Susan Hayward, 1947.
Glamour changes! Clear red, blue red, rose red! Love the gold lipstick tube.

Max Factor’s “California Sun” lipstick, 1960.
Pastels make me feel queasy, maybe because of Pepto-Bismol.

Max Factor’s “Pink ’n Orange” lipstick, 1958.
"Got designs on a man? Then this is for you!"

Max Factor’s “Pan-Cake,” featuring Maguerite Chapman, 1946.
Sold, on the jaunty angle of her hat alone.

Makeup And Make-Believe [The New Yorker]
Face Value (Slide Show) [The New Yorker]

The answer is: Laxatives!

For the record, I immediately confronted my mom upon hearing this song. Somewhat amused, she agreed it was unbearably sexist, adding that whoever would write such a song is clearly a "horse's neck reversed" who would be unworthy of my attention no matter what the season. And then, rather carefully, she explained to me the concept of "tongue-in-cheek." She wasn't sure if the band was being tongue-in-cheek, but that if I wanted to like the song in spite of its unenlightened views, I could do it in a manner that was "tongue-in-cheek."

Vintage poster from Vintage Ads.

• The Grandmaster Flash memoir is out, and I know a big plot point is how he beat cocaine, but fuck if the guy doesn't sound as endearingly hyperactive as he did rapping about stagflation three decades ago or whatever. Apparently he's a hero in Burma? [Newsweek]
• All this time I've been calling Barack Obama a Muslim and it turns out he's actually a Hindu who worships some golden monkey god? [Times of India]
• Senator Chris Dodd moved his entire family to Iowa all to win one percent of the vote and I am not happy to report his powerful speech in opposition to retroactively granting big telecom firms the right to spy on people will no doubt prove equally in vain. [Wash Post]
• The Supreme Court decided to let Exxon off the hook on some of these pumped up oil spill fines. I mean, we can't very well expect those guys to scrounge up the money to find new sources of oil if we force them to pay putative damages for every little thing they do wrong, can we? You decide. [NYT]

• Also in the Supreme Court child rapists won a victory of sorts, and Barack Obama apparently does not approve. [Wash Post]
• Countrywide Financial was sort of the poster bank for the whole "Rent to own, No credit no problem" mortgage concept that is now costing taxpayers $300 billion or so, so it makes total sense that billionaire CEO Angelo Mozilo's tears would garner a standing ovation at the latest shareholders meeting. Wait no, actually it doesn't. [LA Times]
• I gotta say, I totally agree with this so far and it's kind of a disappointment. [Wash Post]
• Scoff all you want about how a grown man should be capable of distinguishing between a teacher dressed up like a Ninja for a costume party and the genuine Ninja article, but in this post-Virginia Tech era can schools ever really be too cautious? [Phillyburbs]

"A real man doesn't care about sterility."

"These jeans are too awkward to sit in. How about we picnic standing up?"

Seriously, what is she doing? What is she looking at? Can she see something we can't?