Actually, I just plain do not go to company holiday parties! I can have better ones on my own. And if I do have to go to, say, a retirement party, I stick to seltzer.

Of course, I am the type who can get wasted off a drink and a half. I am shame to my Irish ancestry.

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Xmas #2 - I was working as receptionist for a big name fashion designer. They'd planned a great party. There was a Secret Santa bag ($20 gifts), free food, free booze, carolers, and a hired Santa that people could have pictures taken with (who was smoking hot out of Santa drag). Sounded awesome. Then about ten minutes into the party my office manager comes over to tell me that for the duration of the party I have to stay at my desk and answer the phones instead of enjoying the party. And yes, they had an answering machine, but I had to sit and appear to work, who knows why. Worse, the carolers were right next to me, so when people called, I couldn't hear them and they'd be yelling, 'I can't hear you! Turn the music down!' I somehow nabbed a bottle of wine and drank the whole thing on an empty stomach (only got to eat a few cookies). Then the CEO came over to reprimand me for being away from the desk when I'd missed one call (I had to pee!) and when she left, I double flipped her off behind her back. A minute later my manager came over to tell me that the CEO's 8 year-old daughter saw me "well, giving her the finger" and was totally traumatized. So then I couldn't join the party as my punishment for bad finger-giving. At the end of the night, the food was gone, the only Secret Santa gift left in the bag was a scroll with a Christian blessing on it, and as I was leaving the designer himself gave me a shirt-sized box and wished me Happy Xmas. Hoping it was something that he'd designed, it turned out to be a huge box full of fancy rose-scented bar soap. Big surprise, I only lasted there a couple more weeks.

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That's when we all found out her husband's boozy secret. He got super-sloshed and THREW UP ON HIMSELF at the party.

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I'm not going to my *own* office party this year, though--it's being held in a ritzy setting, but they're charging $20 for people to bring a date. I'm not paying $20 for my poor boyfriend to watch his manners and be bored stiff. It's against my principles.

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Second Work Party: Drunken karaoke, followed by a massive asthma attack that landed me in the ER. Needless to say, no one believed me until I pulled out my doctor's note.

The owners of my present company are Jewish, so no Christmas parties. They are, however, apparently taking just my group out to lunch at some swank restaurant, which makes me suspicious.

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We have a bigger party a different time of year when we have a shut down. That has hourly and salaried workers at. Talk about some interesting drunk people. Our accountant got really drunk one year. She was dancing and had to driven home. I didn't get drunk. I was one of the people who helped decorate so I had to help clean up afterwards.

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The climax of the night occurred when I was cajoled onto the auctioneer's rostrum to sing showtunes. After a small introduction ("I've tried to keep this a secret for some time now... but in a former life I was very, very into musical theatre") I belted my way through "All That Jazz" from Chicago and went straight on into "Summer Nights" with absolutely zero transition. Our jewelry expert, partly out of pity, joined me on stage holding a mounted and stuffed stag's head and started singing backup. Our managing director laughed so hard she fell out of her chair, and by the end everyone was standing on their chairs with fists in the air, pretending to be John Travolta.

At the time I thought I had brought the effing house down. It wasn't until the following morning that I realized, well, I had not.

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Normally, the school staff and faculty had different parties (I don't know why). This ONE year they combined the parties at the last minute. The staff usually did a White Elephant party, the faculty planned a Secret Santa. But the Party Planning Committee (yes, we had one!) decided a White Elephant for everyone would be fairest.

Well, we teachers had bought gifts for specific people, for example, I bought a teacher who loved to teach art some really cool art supplies to the tune of $45. But the staff White Elephant limit was $5. Interestingly enough, all the staff ended up getting really expensive gifts (a radio, children's dvds, gift certificate to restaurants) and all the teachers got cheap crap.

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