O-no - Jezebel

posts about #ono more →
Lies Magazines Tell: Anatomy Of An Orgasm How-to Story

Your version of Internet Explorer is not supported. Please upgrade to the most recent version in order to view comments.

Dsmvwl Admin Promote to frontpage Approve user Ban user ×

BiteMeMitchell!
06/22/09

In reply to Lies Magazines Tell: Anatomy Of An Orgasm How-to Story
"We get it: masturbation = good. But for the many women who can come by themselves but not with a partner, this may not be that much help."

A-fucking-men, Anna. If I read one more article telling me that I just need to work it out for myself and then show my partner, I will scream. I can make myself cum in less than a minute, but when my partners do what I do, it does not feel the same and it DOES NOT WORK. There are such minute variations in pressure and angle needed and there is no way I could describe them to another person. I'm sick of being made to feel inadequate about it by magazines, I'm not frigid, I have no physical problems, I'm not a prude, I just need very precise stimulation.
Reply

BiteMeMitchell! was starred BiteMeMitchell! was unstarred

veronykah
06/22/09

@BiteMeMitchell!: Thank you, me too.
Reply

veronykah was starred veronykah was unstarred

The Queen of No
06/22/09

In reply to Lies Magazines Tell: Anatomy Of An Orgasm How-to Story
My friend read this article when he found my Glamour (THEY SENT ME IT AFTER JANE WENT KAPUT) in my room. He kept going: "hmm, interesting... oh, I did not know that... nice.." hahaha. I don't know.
Reply

The Queen of No was starred The Queen of No was unstarred

gilded with sunflowers
06/22/09

In reply to Lies Magazines Tell: Anatomy Of An Orgasm How-to Story
One suggestion I have for *some* women is to put down all these mags with their photoshopped, airbrushed supermodels, which in my humble experience tend to make even the smartest of women feel insecure and inadequate about their own bodies and appearances. Nothing kills the mood quite as effectively as worrying about your weight, less than perky breasts, body hair, cellulitis, and everything else that goes together with a natural, normal female body.

Wasn't there a recent link here to a Men's Health article about "what women think", where the writer confessed to obsessing about her belly during the first time in bed with a new lover? Bet she didn't come.
Reply

Pizza!Pizza!Pizza!
06/22/09

@wildwhuck: Maybe he thinks you can cum whenever you please, like the guy from today's CEFAD.

Try yelling 'It doesn't work that way!' mid-coitus.
Reply

Pizza!Pizza!Pizza! was starred

shewar
06/22/09

In reply to Lies Magazines Tell: Anatomy Of An Orgasm How-to Story
I always wonder about these girls that go around talking about how they have amazing sex even though their boy has a small dick. It's as if they're more insecure about its size than the boy is.
Reply

shewar was starred shewar was unstarred

dripdrop
06/22/09

In reply to Lies Magazines Tell: Anatomy Of An Orgasm How-to Story
I wish there was a women's magazine that wasn't afraid to use words like "clitoris" and "vulva" instead of "vahjayjay" or even "down there." If they can't even use the actual words to refer to these body parts, how the hell am I supposed to take them seriously?

Does a magazine like this exist?!
Reply

dripdrop was starred dripdrop was unstarred

Flackette Goes Retro
06/22/09

@dripdrop: Bust.
Reply

ihateyourescalade
06/22/09

@dripdrop: They used to. They were called Glamour and Cosmopolitan and Mademoiselle back before Bonnie Fuller and her ilk ruined everything.
Reply

ihateyourescalade was starred

maybeimamazed02
06/22/09

@dripdrop: I fucking hate the euphemism "vajayjay." It just makes me angry, more so than any other word for vagina.

The Vagina Monologues has a pretty great piece about all the euphemisms out there.
Reply

maybeimamazed02 was starred maybeimamazed02 was unstarred

veronykah
06/22/09

@dripdrop: I really loved when I had a subscription to Jane, when they folded they started sending me Glamour instead.
Reply

veronykah was starred veronykah was unstarred

deitybox
06/22/09

In reply to Lies Magazines Tell: Anatomy Of An Orgasm How-to Story
You know some intern at Glamour is reading this and next month's tips will include "Glamour Up Your Cooch: The Magazine that Doubles as a Sex Toy!!!"
Reply

deitybox was starred deitybox was unstarred

AtomiClash: humanitarian misanthrope
06/22/09

@deitybox: but will they include a diagram on how to use it like the showed us how to shower?

...perhaps I took that too far...
Reply

ihateyourescalade
06/22/09

@deitybox: I think that's more Cosmo than Glamour, though.
Reply

ihateyourescalade was starred

save jinger
06/22/09

In reply to Lies Magazines Tell: Anatomy Of An Orgasm How-to Story
If you can't have an orgasm from sex, try shoe shopping. Or chocolate.
Reply

save jinger was starred save jinger was unstarred

AtomiClash: humanitarian misanthrope
06/22/09

@save jinger: you forgot dieting and exercise!
Reply

shewar
06/22/09

@save jinger: Honestly I'd pick shoe shopping over sex any day. Glamour, don't bother with this shit. Just show me pretty pictures of shoes please&thanks.
Reply

shewar was starred shewar was unstarred

SunburnedCounsel
06/22/09

@save jinger: I console myself with yogurt.
Reply

SunburnedCounsel was starred SunburnedCounsel was unstarred

thesciencegirl
06/22/09

@save jinger: or washing your hair!
Reply

thesciencegirl was starred thesciencegirl was unstarred

PreposterousHypothesis
06/22/09

In reply to Lies Magazines Tell: Anatomy Of An Orgasm How-to Story
I hate these articles, because at some point it's inferring that if you can't orgasm easily, something is WRONG with you. Isn't everyone different? Don't some people come really easily by various methods? Don't some people try everything, and their bodies are just stubborn? I just don't like that there's some supposed norm for orgasms. I guess I could apply this to norms for sexual behavior in general.
Reply

freya_kahlo
06/22/09

In reply to Lies Magazines Tell: Anatomy Of An Orgasm How-to Story
Don't most women need their clits stroked during sex to get off? And if the partner's not doing it/can't reach it, you do it yourself? I thought that was totally normal now - or am I way off base?
Reply

freya_kahlo was starred freya_kahlo was unstarred

Hana Maru
06/22/09

@freya_kahlo: Normal, yes, but not necessary for all women. It is definitely tired advice from Glamour.
Reply

Hana Maru was starred Hana Maru was unstarred

Flackette Goes Retro
06/22/09

@freya_kahlo: It's normal in my life! Whether I'm doing it or he is, there is going to have to be some clitoris action for me to get to orgasm during any kind of sex.
Reply

HistoricUpstart
06/22/09

@Flackette Goes Retro: Same here! I'm surprised Glamor sees this as so revolutionary. It's common freaking sense!
Reply

HistoricUpstart was starred HistoricUpstart was unstarred

maybeimamazed02
06/22/09

@freya_kahlo: I usually don't. Maybe I'm weird.
Reply

maybeimamazed02 was starred maybeimamazed02 was unstarred

Pizza!Pizza!Pizza!
06/22/09

In reply to Lies Magazines Tell: Anatomy Of An Orgasm How-to Story
I understand not being able to get yourself off, or never having had an orgasm and wanting it, but this bull about not being able to cum with a partner 'the right way' is just annoying.

Are you there? Is your partner there? Are you cumming? That's great! Now stop crying if you 'have to' rub your clit for it to happen, or use a vibrator, or can only get off when he goes down on you. Sure, keep reaching for the hands-free rainbow, but don't act like it's not a real orgasm if it's not done through his magical cock and that alone (and god help him if that's what he thinks).

How many guys would be happy if sex was limited to unzip/dick/cum. No help from you, no blowjobs or handjobs, no nothing.

Okay, some would, but what kind of sex life is that?
Reply

Pizza!Pizza!Pizza! was starred

tscheese
06/22/09

@HeatherNumber1: But if this mag can't give sensational, total-solution, one-size-fits-all "advice", they might have to acknowledge things like nuance, unconventionality, and individual differences! AND WE CAN'T HAVE THAT
Reply

tscheese was starred tscheese was unstarred

nessalicious
06/22/09

@HeatherNumber1: 'Reaching for the hands-free rainbow' is the best thing I have ever heard. I think I love you.
Reply

nessalicious was starred nessalicious was unstarred

Elaken
06/22/09

@HeatherNumber1: I understand the sentiment but frankly I am gonna keep being a little sad that I am incapable of cumming with anything other than my vibrator (and sometimes his hands). Granted I'll never expect the penis-only option but I have to keep hoping it will be a little easier at some point in the future.
Reply

Elaken was starred Elaken was unstarred

raspberryleaf
06/22/09

@Elaken:

I'd be thrilled if hands could get me off! i have never ever ever ever cum from anything but a vibrator. I'm 34. And thank the gods that my husband (who I've been with for 13 years) is down with it! We use it while we do it, etc. But I would so love to be able to orgasm without machinery. The bright spot is that oral used to be something I barely tolerated and now I kinda like, so maybe someday... maybe someday there is hope for me!
Reply

raspberryleaf was starred raspberryleaf was unstarred

Pizza!Pizza!Pizza!
06/22/09

@gilded with sunflowers: Second this. Body insecurity is a major bonerkiller, as is really bad porn (it's just too funny and fake, and you start to wonder if the implants hurt) and, I swear, sexism (in the news, at work, etc. Just makes you too mad at the world).

This is why booze and pot work wonders for many people, I think.
Reply

Pizza!Pizza!Pizza! was starred

sympathyforthebasementcat
06/22/09

In reply to Lies Magazines Tell: Anatomy Of An Orgasm How-to Story
The best advice I can give is try as hard as you can to relax. Make yourself focus on the moment - really discipline your mind. Be super conscious of your body - everything has to be in exactly the right place or it will never work for you so always make sure your body and positioning are perfect. And, no pressure, but if this doesn't work, you're frigid and your body is defective.

So just relax and enjoy it, you know?
Reply

Eleanor Ramilly
06/22/09

In reply to Lies Magazines Tell: Anatomy Of An Orgasm How-to Story
You know what might help? Talking to your partner about what you like, and then asking them to do it.
Reply

Eleanor Ramilly was starred Eleanor Ramilly was unstarred

TheGarlicSong [HELP, I'M A ROCK!]
06/22/09

@Eleanor Ramilly: That's just silly, you learn how to have sex from porn! Everyone likes being slapped in the face with a penis!
Reply

Ailatan
06/22/09

@Eleanor Ramilly: Nonsense, child!
Reply

Ailatan was starred Ailatan was unstarred

cantstopwontstop
06/22/09

@TheGarlicSong [HELP, I'M A ROCK!]: "Everyone likes being slapped in the face with a penis!" is my favourite sentence of the day. My best friend is going to call me at 5pm- I'm going to answer the phone, gleefully, with that phrase when she rings.
Reply

cantstopwontstop was starred cantstopwontstop was unstarred

Eleanor Ramilly
06/22/09

OK, you all seriously just made me gasp and cover my mouth lest I start laughing inappropriately in my silent office.

Slapped in the face by a penis? Spitting on lady flowers? Way to make my shitty day about 10 times better, Jezzies!
Reply

Eleanor Ramilly was starred Eleanor Ramilly was unstarred

femputer
06/22/09

In reply to Lies Magazines Tell: Anatomy Of An Orgasm How-to Story
but then how does my doctor help teach me to orgasm? The thought alone sends shivers down my spine.
Reply

femputer was starred femputer was unstarred

Ailatan
06/22/09

@femputer: I'm thinking about those Victorian doctors and their methods to cure "hysteria".
Reply

Ailatan was starred Ailatan was unstarred

femputer
06/22/09

@Ailatan Hearts BabyJane: Precisely.
Reply

femputer was starred femputer was unstarred

debo matar la zombi goldberry83
06/22/09

@femputer: I'm remembering the 19th(?) century treatments for hysteria - not. hot.
Reply

Ailatan
06/22/09

@femputer: a "hands on" approach...
Reply

Ailatan was starred Ailatan was unstarred

shorty63136
06/22/09

@femputer: My doc is pretty foxy. I wouldn't mind at little hands-on encouragement.
Reply

shorty63136 was starred shorty63136 was unstarred

TheFormerJuneBronson
06/22/09

@femputer: I'm sure I saw that on L&O SVU years ago.
Reply

lalaland13
06/22/09

In reply to Lies Magazines Tell: Anatomy Of An Orgasm How-to Story
My biggest problem has always been holding the magazine up during sex. I mean, if I can't read along, how can I make sure I'm not doing it wrong, ya know?
Reply

lalaland13 was starred lalaland13 was unstarred

Ailatan
06/22/09

@lalaland13: Maybe it's the guy/gal you're with, either tell him/her to look up all your bits in Google Earth or get a GPS. Problem Solved!
Reply

Ailatan was starred Ailatan was unstarred

femputer
06/22/09

@lalaland13: WIN! Aaaaand, nominated. See you in the Reader Roundup; that was hilarious.
Reply

femputer was starred femputer was unstarred

lalaland13
06/22/09

@Ailatan Hearts BabyJane: I also need to look through Glamour to remind myself that I can't have good sex because I'm so darn fat and the padding absorbs all the sensation. Thanks, Glamour!
Reply

lalaland13 was starred lalaland13 was unstarred

tonightineed is actually Mrs. Ziegler-Spock
06/22/09

@lalaland13: and what do I do if there are no scrunchies nearby?
Reply

tscheese
06/22/09

@lalaland13: Oh, I just drape it over his face. Gives me something to do.
Reply

tscheese was starred tscheese was unstarred

Ailatan
06/22/09

@lalaland13: Now... what can I say? Fat people should never under any circumstance have any sexual intercourse! If there is something that women's magazines have taught us is that fat=unfuckable.
Reply

Ailatan was starred Ailatan was unstarred

AtomiClash: humanitarian misanthrope
06/22/09

@lalaland13: I find a sheet music stand particularly helpful. Also effective: having my butler hold it open and turn the pages mid-coitus.
Reply

Ailatan
06/22/09

@tonightineed is actually Mrs. Ziegler-Spock: What about something like this... I think it would be appropriate for a virgin:

Reply

Ailatan was starred Ailatan was unstarred

save jinger
06/22/09

@Ailatan Hearts BabyJane: But what about "more cushion for the pushin'"?
Reply

save jinger was starred save jinger was unstarred

lalaland13
06/22/09

@Ailatan Hearts BabyJane: Except men. Fat men are adorable and cuddly, and should start in every single sitcom on CBS.
Reply

lalaland13 was starred lalaland13 was unstarred

BrutallyHonestBabes (aka Mrs. Sarah.of.a.Lesser.Hobbit)
06/22/09

@femputer: Ditto - LOLZ!!1!
Reply

lalaland13
06/22/09

@femputer: @BrutallyHonestBabes (aka Mrs. Sarah.of.a.Lesser.Hobbit): Thanks, ladies. Your niceness made my hot-ass Monday a little cooler. Well, not literally. Because my office a/c sucks. But figuratively, yessir.
Reply

lalaland13 was starred lalaland13 was unstarred

Penny
06/22/09

In reply to Lies Magazines Tell: Anatomy Of An Orgasm How-to Story
Whatever happened to each vagina being as unique as a snowflake?
Reply

Penny was starred Penny was unstarred

Earlier threads | All threads | Show hidden threads | Show featured threads only | Start a new discussion

#ono

Jezebel

SUBSCRIBE TO Jezebel

Lies Magazines Tell: Anatomy Of An Orgasm How-to Story

Login

Reset Password

Register

Submit Your Comment