It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown: Charlie Brown goes trick-or-treating and watches his friends get various treats as he gets, well, a rock.


Disney's Haunted Halloween: A 1984 educational Disney film meant to teach children all about Halloween and Halloween safety. It's actually a bit creepy!


Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, 1986: Here we learn that Frankenstein's monster was the first to combine peanut butter and chocolate. If only we had listened! We could have been eating peanut butter cups centuries ago!


McDonald's Halloween Happy Meal Pails: When I was a kid, it was absolutely essential to beg your parents to take you to McDonald's so you could get the pumpkin, ghost, or witch-shaped plastic happy meal pails.


McDonald's Halloween Nuggets: Of course, you had to get the haunted chicken McNuggets, as well. As a bonus, this is actually the scariest thing Anthony Bourdain, who despises chicken nuggets, will see all year.


Halloween Safety, 1977: This educational film from the 70s is truly the scariest thing I've seen in a long time. The intro alone is terrifying.


Donald Duck: Trick Or Treat: A Disney cartoon from 1952, featuring Donald and his nephews, Huey, Dewey, and Louie.

A Garfield Halloween: Garfield sings various musical numbers as he and Odie set out to gather as much candy as possible.


The Skeleton Dance: A Silly Symphony cartoon from 1929, this cartoon captures the best parts of Halloween; it's a bit scary, a bit silly, and a lot of fun.

Rainbow Brite, aka Wisp, fashion icon and color-protector, has been re-imagined by Hallmark and is apparently now a Manga character. As Hortense points out, she and the Color Kids now bear an uncanny resemblance to Sailor Moon, who also defends the cosmos, but is a teenager and has nothing to do with colors. In fairness, Brite's makeover is not as reprehensible as is Shortcake's, but she is definitely sleeker and taller and, well, prettier, whereas Rainbow Brite was always cute.


Let's face it, even by 80's vaguely-galactic-pastel-cartoon standards, Rainbow Brite was slightly cockamamie: the plot, involving as it did the Colorless World, the Sphere of Light, the Color Belt, the Color Kids, the Sprites, Color Crystals, Color Caves and the Star Sprinkles, was basically incomprehensible, Kosinksi for the Romper Room set. And her look - which echoed the snowsuits of the times - was pure Reagan-era. They've already resuscitated newly-gaunt care bears and My Little Ponies; do we really need another wrong-headed sop to the Nostalgia Mart?

And here's what's always confusing: if it's all about playing into parental nostlgia - why are they turning everything into Bratz? Back in the day, little kids and cuddly animals could change the world as easily as a glamorous Jem. Nowadays, anyone under 5'10" need not apply, apparently; I'm braced for a modernist Sylvanian Family housed in Frank Gehry. And for that matter, if they want scrawny and big-headed, why not just bring back Rose Petal and friends? They were before their time.


The only toy with guaranteed immunity? Cupcake Dolls.


That is, unless she's rendered fat-free.


Rainbow Brite [Hallmark]
New Rainbow Brite [MyLittlePony]

69 Boyz-Tootsie Roll I was in 7th grade when "Tootsie Roll" hit the radio, and it was the jaaaaaaam as far as my 13-year-old peers were concerned. Any dance that provides instructions is going to be a hit with kids, as you can look like you know your shit simply by copying the moves explicitly laid out for you in the lyrics. Being a wallflower, I was the type who actually sat on the side and ate Tootsie Roll Pops as opposed to actually doing to Tootsie Roll, but I nodded my head and laughed as my friends hit the floor and executed it perfectly. Did they all run off and have sex immediately afterward? No. Sometimes, believe it or not, kids are just dancing. Did teachers make sure people weren't dancing too close or being too sexual about it? Yes. I suppose you have to find the line between letting kids express themselves and letting kids essentially hump on the dance floor.


Freak Nasty-Da Dip Da Dip was problematic in my school as it required "putting your hand upon my hip." The teachers were not having that. You could do "da dip" at my middle school dances as long as you did it by yourself. Still: the lyrics! I can't believe they played this AT SCHOOL! Good lord.


Ini Kamoze- Here Comes The Hotstepper Ah, "Here Comes The Hotstepper." As I'm typing this, I can't stop laughing at the mental image of my entire middle school on the dance floor, screaming "murderer!" as our teachers frowned all around us. I'm not sure what my middle school administrators were thinking, but I assume that as long as nobody danced too close or got too suggestive on the dance floor, we could scream murderer and get down to whatever song the DJ happened to play.


Ace Of Base- All That She Wants I still have no idea what this song is about. "All that she wants, is another baby!" Does that mean she wants another boyfriend? Another child? We had no idea what this song was about when we danced to it in 1994, and I'm still confused.


Naughty By Nature- O.P.P. I'm guessing that most of our teachers didn't know what "O.P.P." stood for. Either that, or they assumed we didn't.


Color Me Badd- I Wanna Sex You Up I have no idea why DJs thought "I Wanna Sex You Up" was appropriate school dance music, but they always played it. I have always, always hated this song. This is the song that would come on the radio while you were in the car with your parents on the way to McDonald's or something and it would make you want to crawl in a hole and die of embarrassment. I am cringing right now, actually. I don't know if it's residual trauma or because the song is just cringeworthy as it is.


House Of Pain- Jump Around Jump Around was always the most popular song at the dance, because even those of us who were terrible dancers could muster up the energy to, you know, jump around.


Los Del Rio- The Macarena Of course, there are some dances that, despite vaguely suggestive lyrics, are always considered "family-friendly." The Macarena, which was all over the place by the time I hit 8th grade, is one of those dances. Our teachers were doing it! Our parents were doing it! Our 4-year-old siblings were doing it! No wonder we begged the DJ to play the Tootsie Roll.

While I can certainly see the logic behind banning overtly sexual dancing on the floor at school functions, like I said earlier, I think there needs to be a balance between letting kids dance and letting kids get all up on one another. What do you think, commenters? Should certain dances be banned? Certain songs? Feel free to add your input, as well as your school dance anthems and memories, in the comments.

Florida Schools Ban Sexy Dancing [UPI]

Boomer Nostalgia is nothing new: this is the third go-around of Woodstock Memory Mania, after 1994's 25th anniversary celebrations and 1999's 30th anniversary celebrations, which, naturally, were destroyed by my peers, who, unlike our parents, or even our older brothers and sisters who made the trek in '94, couldn't handle sitting in the mud for three days doing psychotropic drugs without starting a bloody riot and essentially burning the place down. Our parents had Hendrix and the Who. In '94, they had . We had Limp Bizkit. So, you understand.

Anyway, Woodstock nostalgia is more than a Boomer merchandising push (though that's a great deal of it), it's a way for people to remind themselves, and younger generations, that for three days, amidst a tumultuous decade, the philosophies of the hippie generation seemed to be true and possible, if only for a moment. It's a cultural touchstone, though one wonders, after the Boomers are gone, if the every 10-15 years celebration of the event (and its apparently crappy music, according to Jim Fusilli of the Wall Street Journal) will continue. I'd say the chances are quite slim.

For those of us born in the 80s, there is no Woodstock to speak of, I suppose: there are festivals and concerts that have special relevance to certain people, and certain musical genres will be attached to us, of course, but our nostalgia, at present, comes in the form of childhood memories. As Michael Cavna of the Washington Post notes, Hollywood is scraping the bottom of the barrel, or toy chest, as far as 80s nostalgia goes, breathing new life into everything from Transformers to G.I. Joe to... Legos?

"This year, in particular, these same Los Angeles producers have purloined my toys, too. How can I leave with warm thoughts of, say, my grade-school Super Soaker when some filmmakers are surely planning to hold my memories hostage at water-gunpoint? They have my childhood and are not afraid to use it," Cavna writes, noting that it's not "just about buying the rights to old toys. The troubling aspect is that the next crop of toy-based films to swamp the multiplex and the record books might increasingly consist of sparkly-but-shallow projects."

Every time an 80s-based film project hits the news, everyone freaks out and starts writing the same thing: "They're ruining my childhood!" But the truth is, your childhood isn't going anywhere. Yes, the films are shallow (there's only so much depth I suppose one can get from a film based on plastic action figures) but that's kind of the point: they are meant to be popcorn movies, mindless, silly remixes of the doll you kept in your pocket when you were 7. Does it suck to see your beloved toys bastardized in such a way? Sometimes. Certainly I never saw Megan Fox vamping up when I had Optimus Prime coming in to Barbie's soda shoppe for a malt, but my memories of the toys and whatever happens on screen are two different things. I love nostalgia, too (obviously), but it's best to separate the originals from the remakes, if only for your own sanity.

In other words, Shia LaBeouf may weasel his way into your favorite franchises, but unless you let him (or, for some of you, unless you want him to), he's not going to make his way into your personal memories. But the consistent retread of Woodstock Mania and the exhausting list of 80s toy and cartoon related projects in the works speaks more to a desire by the audience to hold on to the past, which always seems brighter and shinier than it was, especially now, when we're all dealing with the recession and the madness that surrounds it. It's a totally natural reaction, as nostalgia is comforting, and safe, and a way to remember that things were—or at least seemed like they were—perfect for a time.

However, I agree with Cavna, that this is all part of the problem: it's more about a lack of new memories to make than the "destruction" of the old ones. We shouldn't be complaining about our childhoods being destroyed as much as we should be complaining about the lack of new ideas in the movie theater. So G.I. Joe was turned into a generic action film. Does that really ruin your summer of 1985? Probably not. But maybe it's G.I. Joe's standard blow-shit-up, America Fuck Yeah plot that's really "ruining" things, if only by making your favorite toys generic and kind of boring.

But at least now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

Hollywood Is Scavenging My Toy Chest [WashingtonPost]
Woodstock: But How Was The Music? [Wall Street Journal]

The Topsy Tail! Because your ponytail isn't worth a thing unless it somewhat resembles an Auntie Anne's pretzel.


Hairigami is important to those who enjoy having their head look like a basket filled with pastry.


Nads: The Hair Removal System. The first line of this video is worth it: "I come out of the bathroom...'You have NADS?!'" Classic.


The Crimper: For some reason, using The Crimper turns you into an extra from a Motley Crue video. It's sort of like a secret weapon that allows you to be a soft core porn star at night, and a tea drinking lady by day. And you can buy it at Sears!


Bumpits: Okay, these haven't been retired yet. But Sarah Palin is leaving office, so it's only a matter of time.


HairLites: Endorsed by Ginger Spice and the Bride of Frankenstein.


The Flowbee! How did a vacuum cleaner home hair cutting system ever fade away?! HOW!?!

The Daily Mail seems to think that the Wackibun, which is what I'm deeming this particular 'do, is the next big thing in hairstyles, as Posh Spice does tend to set off tress crazes every time she switches up her style. But is the Wackibun a do or a don't? Let's ask a few style mavens what they think.

Cathy: "I have to start wearing my hair in a bun!? Like I need another bun to worry about! I have two that are driving me crazy already, if you know what I mean!!! That was a joke about my insecurities!!!! Did my mother put you up to this? ACK! ACK! ACK!" [Ed. note- Cathy then left the room, came back with a cinnamon bun, and deadpanned: "Call me when we get back to the cinnamon bun fad." Oh, Cathy!]


Stacey McGill:"Her problem is that she's not New York Cool. She wants to be, but she's just not, I'm afraid. My friend Laine, well, my ex-friend Laine, she was wearing that bun years ago. Maybe if she accessorized with a hot pink headband and a pair of flamingo earrings, she'd be in better shape. Otherwise, this isn't a do. It's more like "doo-doo." Oh my gosh! Sorry! That was mean. I'll try to be kinder to the fashionably challenged in the future. Has she ever considered a perm? That would be great!"


Marge Simpson: "She never smiles, does she? Maybe she needs a little pizazz in her life! A blue perm has always done the trick for me. Well, that, and feeding my gambling and road rage addictions. Do you think she wants to borrow the Canyonero for a spin? I mean, come on! Live a little, lady!"


Minerva McGonagall: "Do I honestly look as if I have time to talk about such trivial things? A woman's hair should be the least of her concerns. I wear a bun for practical, not fashionable reasons. Perhaps you should read Hairus WhoCarus: A Comprehensive History Of Inane Questions before returning to my classroom."


Regina George: "That is the ugliest effing hairstyle I have ever seen."


Peggy Hill: "Well, as a fashionista—do you know that word, 'fashionista?' I believe it is Espanol. I'm a substitute Spanish teacher, you know. So I know these things. Anyway, as a fashionable modern woman, I've been wearing a bun for many years. As we say in Texas, "The higher the hair, the better a person you are overall." I call it the "Pegabun," though. You should update your definition accordingly. Hoo yeah!"


Maxine, Famous Greeting Card Curmudgeon: "You want to talk about buns? You can kiss my bun, lady!"


Little Red Riding Hood:"Oh, dude, don't ask me. I had a terrible haircut last week. Why do you think I wear this hood everywhere? It's not for fun!"


Princess Leia: "Needs more braids, I think. She should probably also move her buns to the side of her face, as that's the royal thing to do. It helps if they look like cinnamon buns. Cathy was right after all."


Cathy: "I'm right? I'm right!!! ACK ATTACK comin' atcha, Beckham!"


Victoria Beckham Unveils Posh New Hairstyle [DailyMail]

Teen magazines are still filled with ads reminding you that your personal hygiene is the key to social success. Here, we learn that bad breath can drive the fellas and the ladies away. Dateless? Friendless? Perhaps you need to brusha brusha brusha!


Here we have the 16th birthday party of a famous young lady of the time. Much like the show My Super Sweet 16, the spread begins by focusing on her outrageous birthday party with super important guests, and ends with her parents buying her a brand new car. Things change, things stay the same.


"Man, dig those crazy flippers!" Here we have some info on the teen scene, which apparently is filled with wacky aquatics.


Ah, the ol' "Don't read this, girls! It's just for the boys (but not really)" trick. Do we dare read on, ladies? What secrets could possibly be revealed? Let's find out.
Turns out the "secret info" is a guide for boys on how to sweep ladies off their feet. The basics: be polite, brush your teeth, and don't try to shove your tongue down her throat. If you look closely, you'll see my favorite part of the magazine: someone has written the name "Gary" next to the suave gentleman on the right. I hope Gary turned out to be an absolute dream...
As opposed to this dud, who doesn't have a shot in hell with the ladies. This article is so unbelievably sarcastic that you'd think it was written yesterday: "Taking a bath once a week was good enough for Grandpa, so it's good enough for you. Especially if you are an active athlete. She'll really look up to you for this. She'll probably have to—the sight of you will undoubtedly knock her over."


Ah, the celebrity diary! Here, we learn that Frankie Avalon gave Annette Funicello a gold charm for her bracelet. Couldn't you just die!? What an absolute dream!


If you look closely, you'll see that this Clearasil is being advertised as "skin-colored." By "skin-colored," they mean "white," as that was the only color I saw represented in this issue.


This issue is also filled with lots of hip lingo, dig? I'm not sure what "Sportswear for fun are Endsville to a wardrobe" means, but I like it.


"One Coke, two straws."


It's very important to make sure your sportswear is Endsville (I think?) in order to impress the fellas at the pep rally.


Pretty sure George McFly over here just told all four of these ladies that they were his density—I mean, his destiny.


Would any teen magazine be complete without an ad for Stridex pads? I think not.


As you can see, the ol' "I was a geek in high school, but look at me now!" story was alive and kickin' 49 years ago.


A free pair of Big Daddy sunglasses with your subscription? Sign me up!


This is my favorite page in the entire magazine: a guide to writing "Way Out" stories. It ends with my new favorite phrase of all time: FILE IT, BURN IT, MAIL IT TO ANTSVILLE, which I'm pretty sure was the "GTFO" of its day. And I'm not sure what a "Jiggle Stick" is, but I'm sure Lady GaGa will work it into her next album somewhere.


This is the back page of the magazine. For when you're done reading about teen stars, hepcats, crazy wayout stories, Stridex pads, and the importance of brushing your teeth, it's time to get down to business and start thinking about getting married. Yikes! Perhaps some things have changed after all...or at least they wait until you graduate to Cosmo to start pushing the rings nowadays.

The Times says Gen-Yers, born between the years 1980 and 2003, are looking back longingly at Britney and Eminem (hence their respective comebacks, except they really haven't been away that long). Also ripe for nostalgia: Harry Potter, despite the fact that the final movies haven't even come out yet. And a marketer for Live Nation refers to Blink-182, Limp Bizkit and Creed as "classic rock for the next generation," which make me pretty depressed about the future of oldies stations. Allow me to take you on a tour of the things I actually miss, starting with the oldest and ending with the newest.

Bike Shorts Under A Skirt

Yeah, I know 80s nostalgia has been pretty exhaustively catalogued already. But that doesn't stop me hankering for this combo from time to time. When my mom finally bought me a connected bike-short-and-skirt outfit, my two crushes told me they were going to fight "for the friendship of you." I don't think they ever did it, but it remains the high point of my romantic life to date.

Image via Chictopia.

Alvin and the Chipmunks

As the oldest child, I had pretty strict TV rules (my younger brother was totally watching When Wild Animals Shred Your Face as an infant). So I missed out on Fraggle Rock, Small Wonder, Saved by the Bell, Clarissa Explains It All, and the Nickelodeon universe in general. But I did get to watch Alvin and the Chipmunks, and I ate that shit up. Who can forget the episode wherein Chipette Britney tries on various outfits to the tune of "Material Girl"? Not me.

Creepy Crawlers

Somebody recently told me that these devices, in which you could transform colored goo into small, slightly squishy insects, were supposed to be a boy's version of the Easy Bake Oven. Whatever. They were my version of awesome. I'm pretty sure they had to put warnings all over the box that you couldn't eat the bugs, because, with their candy hues, you wanted to so bad. There was also an accompanying Creepy Crawlers show, featuring animated versions of the bugs and presaging later disturbing toy-media crossovers like Transformers.

The Butthole Surfers

Screw Eminem, I miss the Butthole Surfers. I bought their wittily titled Electiclarryland for the song "Pepper," and quickly learned that when you buy an album because you like one song, you have to listen to a bunch of songs like "My Brother's Wife" (lyrics, if I remember: "I fucked, I fucked, I fucked my brother's wife!"). I don't so much miss their music (which is apparently still on offer) as much as I miss the thrill of buying an album with the word "butthole" on the cover and a picture of a horrifically injured ass-cheek on the inside. Ah, youth.

Y2K

The Times uses Y2K as an example of the quaint fears of a pre-9/11 world, a world Gen-Yers wish they could return to. But at the time, it was really scary! Maybe because my high school history teacher told us that the Soviet Union had nuclear missiles aimed at the 500 biggest American cities, which would go off in the event of even the smallest computer glitch. Thinking about December of 1999 makes me nostalgic for a time when ill-informed grownups could still strike fear into my heart. Now I have to do it myself.

This Really Great Sandwich I Ate In 2004

It looked kind of like this, except with Havarti cheese and olive tapenade and avocado. I had just come back from a summer in Boston, where I was trying to save money by stretching a can of beans over an entire week, and I was kind of depressed and anxious and hungry, and my friend Max and I bought these huge sandwiches and ate them on the beach in Santa Cruz. A little actual sand got in them. Yeah, you kind of had to be there, but this slideshow isn't about you, it's about me.

Wednesday

Ah, Wednesday. Such an innocent time. I woke up, I wrote about the male brain, I ate some pizza. If only I had taken the time to savor Wednesday, to really revel in a day whose beauty will never come again! Until next week.

Harry Potter Is Their Peter Pan [NYT]

There is, perhaps, no one more important to the teen comedy genre than John Hughes, who, after producing a string of classic films in the 1980s, has now faded into the background, choosing to live a slightly reclusive life away from the film world and the adoration of the fans who grew up with his movies. Hughes' films, while loved by many, are not without their flaws: notably racist stereotypes, which are explored in Gene Luen Yang's brilliant graphic novel American Born Chinese.

And what of the boyfriends of the John Hughes world? For many of us, they were straight up Tiger Beat material. But how do they hold up now? Let's break it down, shall we?

• Jake Ryan: Sixteen Candles
• Pros:Handsome, wants "a serious girlfriend, somebody I can love who's gonna love me back," thinks it's kind of cool, the way you're always looking at him.
• Cons:Wasn't interested in Samantha Baker until he saw a quiz she answered in which she admitted she'd sleep with him, pretty much handed his drunk girlfriend over to Farmer Ted as long as "she gets home. You can't leave her in a parking lot somewhere." Oh, and he handed his drunk girlfriend over for a pair of Samantha's underwear.
• Final Analysis: Jake Ryan is easy on the eyes and seems to really want to be loved. But his interest in Samantha seems to spring from the fact that she's pretty obsessively in love with him already. That being said, I probably wouldn't turn him down if he showed up in his car outside of my sister's wedding to whisk me away. She's getting married in May, 2010, Jake. Just sayin'.
• John Hughes Boyfriend Grade: B-
• 
  
  
  
• Blaine McDonnagh: Pretty In Pink
• Pros: Sweet, charming, clearly wants to break way from his insulated elitist world, willing to embarrass himself at the record store with a lame purchase just to talk to Andie.
• Cons:Still has trouble breaking free of his class, his privilege is often showing, insults Andie's outfit, easily influenced by rich jackass Steff, "Blaine? That's a major appliance, not a name!", asks Andie to prom and then totally blows her off. What about prom, Blaine?! What about prom?!?
• Final Analysis: Blaine is a bit of a tool. He makes a big dramatic "I always believed in you, you just never believed in me" speech at the end of the movie, which is total bullshit, because Andie wasn't the one to hide the relationship, break off the prom date, or give up due to pressure from her friends. Blaine was the one without the faith. The original ending of the film had Andie ending up with her best friend, Duckie Dale. That would have been better for everyone, as evidenced by Andie and Blaine's makeup kiss at the end of the film, which is probably the most awkward kiss in screen history.
• John Hughes Boyfriend Grade: C-
• 
  
  
  
• Duckie Dale: Pretty In Pink
• Pros: Excellent dancer, good taste in music, snappy dresser, sweet, quirky, extremely loyal, willing to stand up to anyone on Andie's behalf.
• Cons: Needy, calls about 200 times per day, a bit stalkerish, extremely emo, filthy shoes, can go from sweet to annoying in 2.5 seconds, is already in "The Friend Zone."
• Final Analysis: I actually had a Duckie Dale in high school, and he is still a very dear friend of mine. Duckie could go either way here: he could be a really great boyfriend, or just a really great boy friend. Either way, you'd want him in your corner.
• John Hughes Boyfriend Grade: B+
• 
  
  
  
• John Bender:The Breakfast Club
• Pros: Rebellious, handsome in a kind of badass way, hard exterior covers emotional interior, could hook you up with illegal substances if that's your kind of thing.
• Cons: Serious temper issues, family problems, can be quite cruel, sexist, and obnoxious, might not actually get out of high school, due to detention issues, until he's about 29 or so.
• Final Analysis: The only reason to date John Bender would be the reason John Bender himself gives: "Remember how you said your parents use you to get back at each other? Wouldn't I be OUTSTANDING in that capacity?"
• John Hughes Boyfriend Grade:D
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• Ferris Bueller:Ferris Bueller's Day Off
• Pros: Clearly a genius, could basically get you out of everything, would be a blast to hang out with, loved by nearly everyone, could take you to many fine dining establishments with his friend Cameron, thanks to their Abe Froman scheme.
• Cons: Could get exhausting trying to keep up with Ferris, might not be able to trust such an accomplished pathological liar, you'd have to spend a lot of time with Cameron, who isn't always sunshine and lollipops.
• Final Analysis:: Ferris Bueller is so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend picking him up.
• John Hughes Boyfriend Grade: A
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• Farmer Ted: Sixteen Candles
• Pros: Really likes to dance, will drive you home if you've had too much to drink, respects a girl who will help out a geek, doesn't spill the details of your night together to his nerdy friends, thinks a girl in a hat is "just so Vogue," admits that he's "King of the Dipshits," which at least shows some level of self-awareness.
• Cons:Will ask to borrow your underpants for 10 minutes and then proceed to show them to the entire geek population of the school, the headgear shown above, may pass gas on the dance floor, goes by "Farmer Ted."
• Final Analysis: He's young and he's learning. Once he gets past his awkward headgear-King-of-the-Dipshits phase, he might actually be a decent boyfriend. Just don't take him dancing. It's better for everyone that way.
• John Hughes Boyfriend Grade: B
• 
  
  
  
• Keith Nelson: Some Kind Of Wonderful
• Pros: Artistic, thoughtful, romantic, wants Amanda Jones not to feel trapped by her economic status, which he shares, liked by a variety of people in his high school, including the toughest bullies and his best friend, a female drummer named Watts.
• Cons: Oblivious that Watts loves him, only seems to "love" Amanda because she's beautiful, spends his entire college education fund on a pair of diamond earrings, feeds into classist pressures by organizing a fancy date (also financed by his college fund) in order to impress a girl.
• Final Analysis: Here's another example of a tacked on Hughes romance: Watts and Keith end up together, as he suddenly realizes he's loved her all along, but for most of the film he's concerned with appearances, notably Amanda's and his own ability to appear upper class and able to impress her.
• John Hughes Boyfriend Grade: C
• 
  
  
  
• Andrew Clark: The Breakfast Club
• Pros: Athletic, likes to eat, likes dancing while high, will open up to the right girl, even if she makes snow scenes with her own dandruff.
• Cons: Daddy issues, tapes other boys' buns together, falls for the ol' "You got a makeover, now we can date," BS.
• Final Analysis: Andrew Clark is a bit hard to read. It will be interesting to see who he becomes once he's not the high school jock anymore. Could be a great boyfriend, but seems to fall too easily to peer pressure.
• John Hughes Boyfriend Grade: C+
• 
  
  
  
• Steff: Pretty In Pink
• Pros: Gorgeous, attractive in that asshole Chuck Bass kind of way, can wear a white suit to high school like nobody else.
• Cons:Elitist, classist, doesn't handle rejection well, treats his girlfriend Betty like "trash," clearly hates himself, as pointed out by Blaine, says things like, "I wouldn't be too jazzed if I were you."
• Final Analysis:Steff is the guy you make out with, but don't actually date, which, I'm pretty sure, he's kind of "jazzed" about.
• John Hughes Boyfriend Grade: C-
• 
  
  
  
• Brian Johnson:The Breakfast Club
• Pros: Smart, excellent writer, very sweet, member of the Math Club and the Physics Club.
• Cons:Filled with anxiety, perfectionist, awkward at times, embarrassed about his lack of sexual experience, likes to stick pens up his nose.
• Final Analysis: This kid was way ahead of his time. Though he played the nerd in this film, this character laid down the template for every character Michael Cera has played since, and Michael Cera happens to be one of the reigning dreamboats of the teen comedy world. Sweet geeks rule the world now; Brian was just 20 years too early.
• John Hughes Boyfriend Grade: A-
• 
  
• Beethoven:Beethoven
• Pros:Likes to cuddle, loyal, sleeps a lot, enjoys eating, clearly has a taste for classical music, when he's around, hilarity will ensue.
• Cons:Slobber problem, destructive, sheds a lot, is actually a dog.
• Final Analysis: He's a DOG, you guys.
• John Hughes Boyfriend Grade: F
• John Hughes Hilarious Family Pet With A Destructive Streak But A Heart Of Gold Grade:A++

• Strawberry Shortcake: The Fall Of Orange Blossom
• Plot: Orange Blossom, once a dear friend of Strawberry Shortcake, moves in with the Peculiar Purple Pie Man of Porcupine Peak and changes her name to Citrus Frost. All hell breaks loose when she tries to freeze her former fruit-friends into oblivion. Will Strawberry Shortcake save the day?
• Tag Line: "Orange You Glad This Shortcake Can Kick Some Ass?"
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• Care Bears And The Stare Of Doom
• Plot: A stomach virus infects Care-A-Lot, causing the Care Bears to fall into a trance, and their patented Care Bear Stare into a weapon that Captain Coldheart aims to use to ruin everything. Only one Care Bear, Funshine Bear, avoids the plague. But does he care enough to stop the end of the world?
• Tag Line: "Get Ready To Care....Or Be Taken Care Of."
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• She-Ra, Princess Of Power
• Plot: No, seriously, make this movie. There already is a plot. Just don't cast Megan Fox. That is all.
• Tag Line: "For the Honor Of Grayskull!"
• 
  
  
  
• Rainbow Brite: Colors That Kill
• Plot: Murky Dismal has designed a device that will rid the world of color...and humanity. It's up to Rainbow Brite and her crew to stop the plan through many violent action sequences involving multi-colored lasers and catchphrases like, "He just blue you away!" And "you'll be seeing red after this!"
• Tag Line: "These Colors Don't Run...Motherfucker."
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• Get Along Gang: The Final Battle
• Plot: Shit gets real when the Get Along Gang finds itself in the middle of an all-out gang war in a post-apocalyptic world. Can they get along...and survive?
• Tagline "The Gang's All Here...To Kick Some Ass."
• 
  
  
  
• Jem And The Holograms: Showtime, Synergy
• Plot When Synergy is corrupted by a hacker hired by the Misfits, Jerrica Benson and her alter-ego, Jem, go on a crime spree that shocks the nation. Can the Holograms rewire their lead singer before its too late?
• Tag Line: "She's Truly Outrageous...And We're All Paying The Price."
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• Lady Lovely Locks: Locks And Loaded
• Plot: When the Russian government decides to take over the world using tiny microchips implanted in hair follicles, it's up to Lady Lovely Locks and the Pixietails to save the day, and the hairstyles of all.
• Tagline: "You're About To Get Locked."

Feel free to add your suggestions (including casting!) in the comments.

'Asteroids' Lands At Universal [Reuters]

The late 90s-early 00s brought us a number of bubblegum pop groups: some faded as soon as they arrived, and some made enough of a mark to warrant reunion tours 10 years later. And all of them, at one point or another, had some fashion missteps. Let's take a walk down memory lane, shall we?


Eden's Crush: Remember this crew? They were a manufactured pop group that came together on a TV show called "Popstars." You probably recognize at least one of them: Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls. Fellow bandmate Rosanna Tavarez is currently a presenter for the TVGuide channel. This picture shows two of the predominant girl group trends of the early 21st century: vinyl pants and hair knots. For some reason, we thought it was hot to be all Swiss Miss on the top and Slytherin on the bottom. Let's not go back there.


Destiny's Child: Beyonce is now a superstar and House of Dereon is an actual fashion line, but back in the day, the ladies from Destiny's Child were running around in Tina Knowles designed outfits that looked like they came from the Maria Von Trapp 3000 collection.


TLC: Is this is a fashion disaster? On anyone else, yes. On the ladies of TLC, it's just Crazy, Sexy, Cool. Is there a more visible way to promote safe sex than by wearing a condom on your eye? I think not. We miss you, Left Eye.


Wild Orchid: This was Stacy "Fergie" Ferguson's group before she left to be "so 3008." Again with the vinyl pants and the other staple of the era: the bare midriff.


The Spice Girls: Every over-the-top trend of the 90s can be found in the Spice Girls: ridiculous platform shoes, chunky highlights, babydoll dresses, bare midriffs, hair knots, vinyl pants, track pants with crop tops, metallics, neons, sequins, glitter, etc. It was the end of the century and half the world was convinced that the apocalypse was upon us. The visual of the Spice Girls pretty much sums up the era: shinier, louder, more ridiculous, more celebratory, all with this underlying understanding that none of this is really built to last.


Feel free to add more in the comments!

45 Ridiculous Pictures Of Boy Bands [Buzzfeed]

It's hard to even predict at this point, as most of the trends I thought we'd never see again (Hammer pants? Really?) are back with a vengeance. As is often the case in such revivals, the most extreme fashion statements are always dragged back out, either for ironic purposes or due to the fact that people who missed the fads the first time around (see: 16-year-olds wearing 80s-inspired clothing) want a chance to try the decade on for size. But for those of us who are still a bit horrified about our middle-and-high-school fashion choices in the 90s, the revival is a bit harder to get excited about: we've already had one round of Hammer pants, thanks, and that's quite enough.

This is not to say that the revival is all bad: most of us still wax poetic at times about the comfort factor of our 90s ensembles: baggy pants, flannel shirts, and lots of corduroy, for example. But for the most part, the 90s were a decade that desperately sought its own style by ripping off decades past: the 70's revival was in full swing when I was in high school, and bell-bottom jeans and platforms ruled the hallways. We also spent the latter part of the decade in y2k mode, wearing "futuristic" silvers and neons and iridescent dresses and punked out hair colors It was, in a way, our 90s version of Judy Jetson's wardrobe. Still, there are certain trends that should never be allowed to return. Let's take a look at a few, shall we?

The Kris Kross Remember that hot minute there when we all thought wearing our clothes backwards was an awesome idea? It pains me to think of the various bathroom-related accidents this fad caused for 4th graders across the nation.


The Ironic Hawaiian Shirt: Sadly this one has never really gone away, but we could certainly do without the "I"m only wearing this hideous shirt because it's so ugly and hilarious" crowd. You're still wearing the shirt, dude! My eyes! MY EYES!


Goggles As Accessories If you are not skiing or swimming, you do not need to wear goggles. Period.


Big Johnson or Coed-Naked shirts If you wore these shirts in the 90s, the odds are that you were either a douche, a frat boy, or a youngster who really did not understand innuendo very well.


Overalls Unless you are a farmer, a toddler or a member of TLC circa 1992, you should not be wearing overalls. It doesn't matter if you sex them up by going shirtless or dropping one shoulder, either.

So which trends do you think should stay buried? And which ones do you hope will come back? Feel free to post them in the comments.

Can't Touch This Style Comeback [ABCNews]
How To Wear Catsuits [TimesOnline]

I watched a LOT of television when I was younger. I grew up in a New England factory town where the factories hadn't been in business for years, so my adolescent experiences were filled with blizzards, crumbling brick buildings, and linoleum filled schools that were built in the 1950s and seemed to pride themselves on their mint-green industrial paint jobs. Glamorous, it was not.

Television high schools, however, are always glamorous, and in the early 90's, there were perhaps no fictional high schools as beloved as Saved By The Bell's Bayside High and 90210's West Beverly. The students at these schools were markedly different: at Bayside, it was pretty much the end of the world when a joint was found in the boys bathroom; at West Beverly, it was pretty much the end of the world if you didn't have a substance abuse problem of some sort. Both schools had their pluses and their minuses. But which one was better? I decided to find out by having both schools compete in the following categories: School Spirit, Social Life, Fashion, and Words of Wisdom. Let the faceoff begin!

• School Spirit: Bayside High
• Pros: The Bayside crew really loved being at Bayside. During their time at the school, the gang participated in nearly every school-sponsored event imaginable: acting in school plays, competing in school pageants, cheerleading, running track, wrestling, beating rival school Valley in an epic Prank War, playing volleyball, being homecoming queen, being prom queen, holding pep rallies, running the school radio station, winning the Academic Bowl, and saving the school from becoming an oil field. They even installed a car stereo in their principal's car and helped his wife deliver a baby in an elevator during an earthquake. And who could forget the infamous Bayside cheer? Bonus: Zack, Lisa, Screech, AND Mr. Belding all ended up at Bayside, in California, after being together at JFK Middle School in Indiana. Now that's dedication! Beat-b-beat-b-b-beat, go Bayside!
• Cons: Saved by the Bell: The College Years was a big ol' mess. One wonders if the Bayside crew was a little too attached to their old stomping grounds. It was almost as if they had no identity without those familiar red lockers in the background.
• 
  
  
  School Spirit: West Beverly
• Pros: Though the West Beverly crew wasn't as into their actual school as much as they were into the Beverly Hills scene, they did participate in many school activities, most notably David Silver's dedication to the school's radio station, Brandon Walsh's stint as student body president, and Andrea Zuckerman's work at the school paper. However, one of the most epic moments in 90210 history comes from an episode wherein Brandon Walsh leads his classmates in a protest against the school board in order to ensure that his "Oops, I was drunk at prom" classmate, Donna Martin, is allowed to graduate. "Donna Martin Graduates!" is just as (if not more so) memorable as the Bayside cheer.
• Cons: Most of the action with the West Beverly crew came from outside the school; their hallway conversations weren't nearly as memorable as their conversations at the Peach Pit.
• 
  
  
  Advantage: Bayside The West Beverly crew were active in their school, but most of their adventures and drama came from the various parties, sexy pools, and hotel rooms that they found themselves in. Also? They never wrote a school song as awesome as "Bayside is a school that's cool and you know that it's true! Know that it's true! Know that it's true! The girls are the cutest and the guys are the hippest too!" Probably because Dylan McKay would vaporize instantly if he was forced to sing something like that, but still.
  
  
  Social Life: West Beverly
• Pros:West Beverly kids moved fast, and half the fun of the show was laughing at how desperate they seemed at times to keep up. 90210 didn't mess around when it came to "big issues," and the West Beverly kids faced everything from laced drinks to stalkers to diet pill addiction to cheating parents to virginity loss to racism to sexism to classism, all while looking totally fabulous and rocking out to a Cathy Dennis soundtrack. West Beverly was the home of the rich, gorgeous, and glamorous: sex, drugs, and, uh, Color Me Badd. Bonus: The Peach Pit, a retro diner that was home to cheeseburgers, jukeboxes, and the sage advice of surly but lovable diner owner/father figure Nat.
• Cons: You couldn't trust any of your friends at West Beverly. Brandon often let Andrea down, Dylan dumped Brenda in favor of her best friend, Kelly, Brandon's girlfriend, Emily Valentine, was a textbook psycho, and Steve Sanders' car would eat your Ferrari if you left it unattended.
• 
  
  
  Social Life: Bayside High
• Pros: The Bayside crew rarely fought, and when they did, it was resolved within 20 minutes. They were an unlikely group of friends, if you think about it, and each of them brought something different to the conversation. They did everything together, and spent their time out of school hanging at the gloriously 80's diner, The Max, where they plotted various schemes, held dance contests with Casey Kasem, and put up with stupid magic tricks from the owner. They helped each other through various dramas: caffeine addiction, money problems, and heartache. And they really liked to sing and dance, for some reason.
• Cons: A little too close to their principal, Richard Belding, seemed to isolate other students in a majorly cliquey way, rarely dealt with life outside of the school/Max walls, rarely dated outside of their clique, the girls put up with Slater's sexism and Zack's various attempts to exploit them for profit, the addition of Tori in later seasons as a replacement for Jessie and Kelly.
• 
  
  
  Advantage: West Beverly The Bayside crew may have been super tight and good to one another, but they also seemed a bit sheltered and unable to develop social lives outside of the school walls. It might have been super dramatic to attend West Beverly, but it also looked like a lot of fun at times.
  
  
  Fashion: West Beverly
• Pros:West Beverly students in the early 90's were really into rockabilly hair-dos and loud, flashy prints. Dylan McKay and Brandon Walsh both rocked pompadours and sideburns, while Kelly Taylor, Donna Martin, and Brenda Walsh walked around in jean jackets, bright red lipstick, and slinky dresses. The West Beverly kids dressed as if they were 25, and were quite fond of shoulder-pad laden blazers, bodysuits, and leggings. Scarily enough, their outfits would look appropriate on your standard hipster these days.
• Cons: Everything David Silver or Steve Sanders wore, EVER.
• 
  
  
  Fashion: Bayside High
• Pros:Say what you will about Zack Morris' dad jeans or Cosby sweaters: the boy looked gorgeous anyway. Rocking preppy-chic like nobody's business, Zack Morris personified the late 80's/early 90's ideal of hotness. And has there ever been a television character with the fashion sense of Lisa Turtle? I think not. Lisa's dresses and coordinated outfits were so over the top that you couldn't help but envy them. Like Regina George, she always looked fierce. Bonus: the Bayside crew knew how to accessorize: Zack had his giant cell phone, Jessie had her collection of vests, and Screech had his very own robot. Geek Chic!
• Cons: Slater's pleated acid-wash jeans and pink tank tops, Kelly's boring and fairly school-inappropriate dresses, Screech's heavy reliance on multi-colored and obnoxiously patterned Hammer pants, Jessie's reliance on denim shirts.
• 
  
  
  Advantage: Bayside Lisa Turtle was so stylish that she held her own fashion show and was accepted into F.I.T. as a result. She even sprained her ankle once by kicking the television once she learned her favorite nail polish was being discontinued. That's pretty hardcore.
  
  
  Words of Wisdom:West Beverly
• On Attitudes: "To be a bitch or not to be a bitch, that is the question."-Brenda Walsh
• On Love: "Love just gets in the way, confuses people, makes them scattered." -Dylan McKay
• Scarily accurate: "I just keep worrying that we're gonna get all this education and there's still not going to be any jobs left for us."- Brenda Walsh
• 
  
  
  Words of Wisdom: Bayside High
• On Attitude: "I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so, I'm so... scared!"- Jessica Myrtle Spano
• On Love: "Zack is so hot, he makes my teeth sweat!"- Penny Belding
• Scarily accurate: "You make light of algebra now, but when you're all grown up and your friends are making logarithm jokes at cocktail parties, you won't have a clue as to what everybody's laughing at."- Mr. Dewey

If there is one thing I miss from my childhood more than anything else, it's the roller rink. The three rinks around my hometown have all been demolished or closed up in order to make room for big box stores and strip malls, and skating in general seems to have died out in the suburbs, with only hardcore skaters and hipsters with access to rinks in major cities continuing to break it down on the roller disco dance floor. And though Roller Disco is long gone, it's not completely forgotten: here are a few gems from the roller disco era to keep you rollin' through the afternoon.

Ok, I'm sorry, that last line was really dumb. But it's a bit impossible to watch roller disco clips and not get a little corny sometimes, all right? You got a problem? You wanna take it to the floor? I will spin circles around you to the beat of "Don't Leave Me This Way" Don't even mess if you can't pass the test!


Skatetown, U.S.A. "From coast to coast, rock and roller disco is the most!"


Roller Boogie: "It's love on wheels!"


Xanadu: "A million lights are dancing, and there you are, a shooting star."


Vaughn Mason & Crew: Roller Skate "Girl, I want to skate with you."


The Dolly Dots: Rollerskating "It's just like a disco, but it's more than a disco, they are skaaaating!"

Feel free to add your own roller skating jams/memories in the comments.

[Image via Vintage Ads]

Upon hearing about Mayim's appearance on "What Not To Wear," I immediately thought of Blossom's wardrobe, which, I'm sorry, was heinous even for 1991, when both Blossom and Clarissa Explains It All started airing. I know this only because I was in 5th grade when these shows debuted, and I owned an equally heinous wardrobe. My sisters mocked me mercilessly. When I look at the pictures now, I understand why.

I have always taken the position that Blossom Russo was, for the most part, the poor man's Clarissa Darling. Perhaps my annoyance with Blossom comes from the fact that I, at 10, thought she had totally ripped Clarissa's style and tried to pass it off as her own. Now that I am 28, I am pretty sure that's not what happened. (In fact, now that I'm 28, I'm pretty sure both of these ladies owe a great deal of their style to one Penelope "Punky" Brewster, but that's another debate entirely.)

Anyway, in the interest of fairness, I decided to revisit the ol' Blossom vs. Clarissa debate (some of you may have seen me Twittering about this yesterday morning, before I decided it probably deserved a proper post of its own), in the hopes of settling, once and for all, just which of these ladies really deserves the title of 1991 Quirky Teen Style Queen. Blossom and Clarissa faced off in several categories: Entourage, Theme Song, and Overall Style. So who takes the crown? Let's break it down:


Entourage: Clarissa Darling

• Pros: Pet alligator named Elvis, hippie parents, and a best friend named Sam who only came to visit her through the window, via ladder, complete with his own "waah-waah" sound effect.
• Cons: Her brother, Ferguson, aka Ferg Breath, aka Fergwad, the worst little brother in the history of television. Clarissa was always dreaming of ways to kill him. So was the audience.
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  Entourage: Blossom Russo
• Pros: Cool but troubled alcoholic brother Anthony, cool but troubled piano playing dad, Nick, cool but troubled boyfriend, Vinny, and slightly insane but cool for the time best friend Six.
• Cons: Her brother, Joey "WHOA!" Lawrence, who can only be considered an asset for the unintentionally hilarious music videos he forced us to sit through at the end of several episodes, Six's tendency to veer in to hyper-Gilmore Girls dialogue territory, Blossom's various "very special" run-ins with an assortment of jerks, losers, and fairly awful individuals who always seem to get in her way.
• 
  
  
  Advantage: Blossom Whoa-y Lawrence might be annoying, but nobody is as annoying as Ferguson Darling. NOBODY. And Blossom's relationship with her father and brothers was a bit deeper and ultimately more interesting than Clarissa's interactions with the Darlings. Blossom and Clarissa both touched on "very special issues," but it's hard to watch the infamous period episode of Blossom and not sympathize with her or her father. Clarissa's parents were likable, and the running theme of her mom making wacky healthy treats was fun, but ultimately they were background pieces, designed to highlight how quirky Clarissa was by comparison. Blossom pulled the heartstrings more often than Clarissa, so she takes this round.
  
  
  Theme Song: Clarissa Darling
  
  
  
  Theme Song: Blossom Russo
  
  
  
  Advantage: Clarissa This was an extremely tough call. Though Blossom's theme song is insanely catchy and includes the word "opinionation," it's tarnished a bit by the stupid "look how quirky I am!" dancing intro. Clarissa's theme is equally catchy, and delightfully simple, as are the backgrounds and font used to present her fellow cast members. We get to meet both of their families in a wacky way, but the Darlings look amused in their intro, whereas the Russos look a bit embarrassed, and rightfully so. I'm going with Clarissa on this one.
  
  
  Overall Style: Blossom Russo
• Pros: Unique sense of style, unafraid to mix patterns, textures, colors; clearly has fun with her clothing; able to wear several completely different looks with ease and confidence.
• Cons: A tendency to wear unflattering pleats and frumpy layers; a horrific collection of denim fisherman's hats with giant plastic flowers attached; an annoying insistence to remind us all that her name is Blossom by consistently wearing floral patterns.
• 
  
  
  Overall Style: Clarissa Darling
• Pros: Totally fearless, unafraid to mix patterns, textures, colors; creative use of accessories; able to transform simple boring pieces like a denim shirt by adding wacky layers; could have easily graduated from the Stacey McGill/Claudia Kishi School of Fierce.
• Cons: A heavy reliance on leggings, to the point of Lohan-esque obsession; wore "Mom Jeans" on more than one occasion; owned too many midriff-baring tops; a tendency to layer loud 80's pieces to the point of Agyness Deyn circa 2007 insanity, relied on headbands the way Blossom relied on dumb flower hats.

Melissa Joan Hart Reveals Her Bikini Body [People]
Blossom's Mayim Bialik: "I Needed A Makeover!" [People]

But while SpongeBob and Dora may rank higher, has any other show done so much for kids than Sesame Street? According to Guernsey, "Independent research found that children who regularly watch Sesame Street gained more than nonviewers on tests of letter and number recognition, vocabulary and early math skills. One study, in 2001, revealed that the show's positive effects on reading and achievement lasted through high school."

Plus, unlike some other offerings in 1969, the show tapped into the social activism of the era. "From the start," writes Guernsey, "Sesame targeted lower-income, urban kids-the ones who lived on streets with garbage cans sitting in front of their rowhouse apartments." And there were other moments — like when Snuffleupagus taught us how to communicate with the deaf — which showed that the program attempted to include to all kinds of people.

Singing, cultural diversity and huggable puppets: What's not to love? (How many of these albums did you have?) Next: Some favorite moments from Sesame Street!

"Me And My Llama." It's probably best not to wonder why a little girl is walking a llama through the streets of Manhattan and instead think of this as a way to teach kids that the dentist isn't scary. Question: Does that llama also see an orthodontist?

"Ladybug Picnic" It's not just a counting song: It mentions knock-knock jokes! And when they roast marshmallows, it seems like the most fun thing in the world.

"School Pageant: Flower" Prairie Dawn plays piano in this hilariously crappy school play, where monsters are bad actors who forget their lines.

"Pinball 12" The voices you hear are the Pointer Sisters. Enough said.

"Ernie Can't Sleep" Since Ernie has insomnia, he clearly has to keep Bert awake as well.

"I Love Trash" Did you know that Oscar used to be ORANGE?

"Somebody Come And Play" Mommy! We have to hurry and visit the zoo! All the animals are so sad and lonely without us!!!

"C Is for Cookie" A classic. Simple and to the point.

"Near And Far" Grover — voiced by Frank Oz, who later played a cop in the Eddie Murphy/Dan Akroyd flick Trading Places, explains "near" and "far" here, but was also amazing in his segments with John-John.

"Fairy Alphabet" Some really gorgeous illustration/animation; super '70s tune!

Other awesome moments: The Alligator King; the Typewriter Guy; Rubber Ducky; It's Not Easy Being Green and the Yip Yip Aliens… What have I missed? [Ed note: This. ]


‘Sesame Street' [Newsweek]

"With blonder hair, a bi-level haircut (that's what we called 'mullets' back in the 80's), blue framed glasses and holding a duran duran magazine/program/fanzine and it's me in 1983," said commenter Rednrowdy. "As I vehemently hate the Jonai, I cant lie that this was me in response to NSync backintheday," said commenter ElleL, before adding a *shameface* note to her comment to justify her former love of JC Chasez and his frosted tips.

Everyone has at least one lame teenage celebrity crush that they're afraid to own up to. While some crushes have actually held up over the years (hellooooo, Mr. McGregor), there are others that exist only in the dark corners of our mind, shoved behind boxes of unnecessary pop-culture memories and factoids, covered with giant NKOTB beach towels and left to fade behind a wall of "Oh, no, my crush was David Bowie and is still David Bowie and I NEVER thought Kirk Cameron was hot at all. Ever. Nor did I care for his neighbor, Boner Stabone." Oh, what a tangled web of Growing Pains-related lies we weave!

I have previously admitted to a high school obsession with Billy Corgan, and like anyone raised on The Mighty Ducks and The Sandlot, I was pretty sure, in middle school, that I was going to marry either Adam Banks or Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez. These are pretty normal, acceptable 90's crushes to have: I certainly was not alone in my screamy, dreamy admiration of the Cakeeater, the Jet, and the Zero.

However, there is one tweenage crush that I have always been a little embarrassed about. For a while there, in 7th grade or so, I was madly in love with Jim Carrey. I had an entire wall of my bedroom dedicated to him. Pictures of him from In Living Color, articles cut from magazines, and even—dear lord in heaven I don't know if I want to post this—a poster of Ace Ventura. ACE VENTURA. A character who is so ridiculously gross and uncool that he pretty much represents the opposite of all things sexy. I obnoxiously adopted a "Jim Carrey voice" and went around the house doing my impression for my parents, who clearly thought I had gone insane. "Go shuck the corn," my mother would say, handing me a paper bag and a few ears. "ALRIGHTY THEN!" I'd yell, flailing the corn around like I was directing traffic on speed.

But here is the thing: you can't help it when you like somebody. And I liked Jim Carrey for the same reason I tend to like most people: because he made me laugh. Of course, when puberty kicked in, and my angst along with it, I rolled my eyes at Ace Ventura and devoted myself to the Billy Corgans of the world, who may not have made me laugh, but "understood" me and wrote deep lyrics about, you know, stars and stuff. And as I moved out of that phase, those crushes faded as well.

Your dumb celebrity crushes exist to provide a safe means of expressing adoration for an ideal; this is someone you think you could love, and who might see something in you, if they were given the chance. Knowing that your chances of meeting and being whisked away by this person are slim to none gives you complete control over creating a fantasy life for yourself: if you can't ever meet and be rejected by so-and-so, then whatever happens in your mind is harmless and under your control.

Sadly, my 7th grade dream of becoming Ace Ventura's partner-in-crime has died. But I did catch the movie a few weeks ago, with my current, non-Ace Ventura fiance, and I had to turn it off after 20 minutes because I just couldn't take it (though I will watch Dumb & Dumber anytime it is on. ANYTIME). Still, I may or may not have yelled, "Liiiiiiike a glove!" as I pulled my car into the library parking lot the next day.

Ok, I totally did. Some crushes die hard, you guys.

Feel free to post your embarrassing crushes in the comments.

Pulling An Amelia Bedelia: The act of baking something delicious in order to makeup for a major screw-up at work.
Ex: "I totally bombed my performance review, but then I pulled an Amelia Bedelia and brought in some pumpkin-ginger cookies and now I'm getting a raise!"


Going From Zero To Piggle-Wiggle: Using a psychologically twisted "magical cure" to make your point.
Ex: "My boyfriend refused to recycle, so I went from zero to Piggle-Wiggle and turned him into a giant aluminum can. Just before I threw him in the garbage can, he admitted he was wrong about recycling and promised to change his ways. He won't be throwing cans away anytime soon!"


Kishi Style: A method of keeping one's addiction under wraps by hiding incriminating evidence in secret places.
Ex: "I know I said I threw this Backstreet Boys cd out 10 years ago, but I've really been hiding it, Kishi Style, behind my bookcase."


Could Have Been Renesmee: A helpful phrase used when a friend announces that she is naming her child or pet something fairly ridiculous.
Ex: "Gillian has decided to name her daughter Shampoo, and she's going to spell it Schampooh. I guess it could have been worse. Could have been Renesmee."


Granger Danger: What one finds oneself in when they insist upon correcting their friends and acting like a general know-it-all on a daily basis.
Ex: "I love her to death, but providing me with the alternate pronunciation, word origin, and proper spelling of every word I say is sending her in to serious Granger Danger territory."


Golly-Up: If you write something down about someone you know, and they find out about it, be prepared to "do two things, and you don't like either one of them. 1: You have to apologize. 2: You have to lie. Otherwise you are going to lose a friend."
Ex: "I didn't make that blog post private, so now I'm going to have to Golly-Up and apologize to her."


Remember The Egg Fad: Words of advice to a friend who insists upon following stupid trends, and is on her way to ending up with egg all over her face, Ramona Quimby style.
Ex: "Dude, I am telling you, the no-pants trend isn't worth it. Remember the Egg Fad!"


Feel free to add to this list in the comments!