Jezebel
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Posts Tagged “
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toy story
Will The Cone Make You Moan?
I've been hearing about The Cone—a futuristic-shaped vibrator that you would expect characters in Woody Allen's Sleeper to use—for well over a year now. I'm always a little wary of high-end and low-end vibes, the former because the price tag is usually indicative of a lot of hype, and the latter because the because the price tag is usually indicative of a flimsy product with an inferior mechanism. The Cone will set you back a whopping $130. But it's cool looking. And has little light on it. And it's pink. So how did The Cone shape up? More »
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Hoda Kotb, Kathie Lee Gifford Get Down To Lil Mama
18-year-old rapper and lip-gloss aficionado Lil Mama performed on Today this morning, and Hoda Kotb and Kathie Lee Gifford got really into it. They were dancing off to the side when Lil Mama grabbed them to come out and dance with her. (Apparently, Lil Mama can be a bit charmingly-bossy!) Hoda literally shimmied. But as far as dance-offs go, we feel that KLG won this round. Clip above.More »
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Why He Stopped Calling: The Definitive Guide, Brought To You By Ex Hillary Supporters
Someone recently directed our attention to a service called "Why Was I Dissed", which claims to help achieve relationship closure by email-harassing "that guy who disappeared" into confessing the reason for his disappearance. But why torture ourselves (and "that guy") when we can learn the truth from the missives of all the Democratic voters currently clamoring for the opportunity to achieve closure from Hillary Clinton? That's right, friends, Web 2.0 has also spawned Nice Try, Give Up, a series of breakup letters by supposed ex-supporters of the junior New York senator that, taken together, provide a comprehensive list of the reasons girls get dissed, a list that any reasonably self-aware woman can probably apply to her own trampled unions and save herself the humiliation of actually having to ask. More »
crappy hour
Would It Kill These Candidates To Eat A Frickin Cheesesteak?
Readers, this campaign season we've borne witness to many things. The rebirth of the word "trollop" and Ann Coulter endorsing Hillary...Geraldine Ferrarro fell victim to racism, and now Bill Clinton telling us Obama used their vast race card conspiracy against him too; he's got memos to prove it. We've learned about Obama's brother in China and Hillary's brothers from Retardville. We've watched Hillary throw back shots like a drunk sorority girl and promise to totally obliterate Iran like a drunk frat guy. We've seen Barack Obama reference Faulkner, Marx and Jay-Z like some consciousness-raising enlightened hip-hop dude who gets laid way too often for you to trust him entirely. But readers, for six weeks we have been stuck in this state, a state so authentically lowbrow it gets away with calling its homeless shelters overnight cafes, and somehow we have yet to see a presidential candidate eat a fucking cheesesteak. So Megan and I are off to do that now (oh, yum) and vote, but not before gracing you with this morning's riveting IM exchange. More »
crappy hour
We're Headed To Philly Tonight!
Megan and I are convening in Murderdelphia tonight for tomorrow's Pennsylvania primary! This morning a seven-alarm fire reminded everyone once more there used to be an economy there. Now there are too many vacant buildings and not enough crackheads to fill them. Five murders happened over the weekend in Philly. Chelsea Clinton submitted her ass to a fag hag gang grope. Michael Moore endorsed Barack Obama. The railroad industry made a comeback. The Pope made some speeches. Jeremiah Wright is going on TV. Some Republican told other Republicans to forget Reagan. Jimmy Carter won't make it so easy on you! Obama said he thought John McCain would be better than Bush. (Maybe because the Walnuts' stubborn refusal to wear a flag pin dovetails with his own 1960s radicalism?) And number one Jezecrush Thomas Frank got a weekly column in the Wall Street Journal. "The landmark political fact of our time is the replacement of our middle-class republic by a plutocracy," he wrote. "If some candidate has a scheme to reverse this trend, they've got my vote, whether they prefer Courvoisier or beer bongs spiked with cough syrup." There's a thought to drank to! His new book is called The Wrecking Crew. More ».jpg)
crappy hour
Clinton, Obama Field Tough Questions About Flag Pins, Third Grade
You know how the American public is sick of "politics as usual"? Well so yesterday I had a feeling I wanted to stay away from the Democratic Primary debate in Pennsylvania but it seems like Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos were determined to poison me anyway and somewhere between Bosnia and Bittergate and a half-carafe and 13 irate text messages and emails about how awful it all was I became gravely ill. Was it more despicable or shameful or simply Shakespearian, with Hillary playing Lady Macbeth and Obama playing the part of...uh...a "cucumber: a highly alert cucumber, but not one which was frightened of being sliced up and turned into sandwiches"? Did they disgrace the already disgraced enough profession of journalism? Or was it just all the commercial breaks? After the jump, Megan and I try not to hurl but this David Brooks column makes it sort of impossible.More »
crappy hour
Cindy McCain Regrets Dissing Michelle Obama!
Why can't more rich people be like Cindy McCain? Not with the strumpet makeup, I mean, but with the white guilt? Today a LA Times profile made us officially decide to like Cindy, who grew up a rich spoiled rodeo queen cheerleader in Phoenix and then one day went on a scuba trip and came back a crying, caring compassionate woman who sometimes took pills to ease the psychic pain. Okay, so I like Cindy. I get her, I think. I also get Barry Marx Obama and Michelle and their "elitism and all of that." I get Pennsylvanians and why they are bitter. But here's what I don't get: what do the world's 50 top hedge fund managers need with the collected $29 billion they made last year? Are they saving up to buy the Great Wall or the Vatican or something? (Can you even securitize the Vatican?) And how is it they were so smart in a year that everyone at Merrill Lynch who didn't get demoted was soooo...goddamn...stupid. Just testosterone? Glamocracy Megan and I discuss why we can't just pass a law outlawing people from accumulating more than $50 million and, totally unrelated, the concept of "bitterness," after the jump. More »
crappy hour
All About Alleged Rapist Bill Cosby, Because April 15 Is About How Other People Need To Start Taking Responsibility!
Happy Tax Day, Jezebels! God it is depressing today. We decided to read that lengthy Atlantic piece about Bill Cosby's haterist theories and got depressed about Bill Cosby being depressed about black people. Then we got depressed that the story devoted all of a sentence to allegations Bill Cosby had sexually assaulted 13 women. We got depressed about the food shortages and the kids for whom the only honest job in town is at a Foot Locker that's about to close and the Italians but then we found a passage from Obama's first book about hanging out with his Jarvis Cocker college crew rolling cigarettes and being alienated and Marxist and somehow that made it all okay again, probably because we are still self-absorbed assholes in arrested development who don't actually have problems beyond figuring out where the fuck we put our W-2s when we were drunk. Myself, Glamocracy's Megan, Cindy McCain's plagiarized recipes and so much more after the jump. More »
jezenomics
Everything I Needed To Know About The American Economy I Learned At American Apparel
A story in Saturday's Wall Street Journal offers something of a preamble to the final chapter of the American Apparel narrative. There are companies that are more interesting and innovative than American Apparel, but none that captures the entire story of the American Economy, What The Fuck Happened Dept. so quickly and efficiently and dystopianly, like a hypersexed science fiction sex. Plus the CEO likes to curse, masturbate in front of reporters, and hire underaged cokeheads from whom I will no doubt be sent some more highly thought-provoking text messages of dissent. Herewith, a brief batshit tour through one of the most colorful corporate histories of our age! More »
crappy hour
Are You There, God? It's Your Favorite Client, Messiah Barry Hussein Obama
Barack Obama thinks the new Pope is hustling the opiate of the masses. But it's the opiate that kept him off his cokehead ways so it's okay! Hillary thinks the potential for life begins at conception, and that Obama is an elitist. Is it possible that the second coming of the Messiah is also the reincarnation of Karl Marx? Is it possible that some countries can only subsist on dirt and opiates for so long? Are we talking about Marx when we should be talking about Malthus and stockpiling guns? Barack Obama seems to think so, and guess what? We agree. In Jezebel's deepest spiritual discussion since I wrote about how being a Libra made me believe in God, the inimitable Megan and I discuss the papacy, fave hymns, and how cool it would be if Jesus came back as a Palestinian stand-up comedian.More »
crappy hour
Yo, Barry. You're In Philly Now. You Gotta Pay Cash For Those Votes.
Barack Obama does not want to bribe block captains in Philadelphia to get out the vote. Wait, you're allowed to bribe block captains to get out the vote in Philadelphia? Why yes, it's called "street money," and like most money in Philadelphia, it is relatively scarce, which is why people trust it, in lieu of "democracy", which was supposed to have declared victory on the Big Ideological Battle of the twentieth century, but the problem is that was a comprehensive crock of shit, with apologies to Francis Fukuyama, who taught the only class I ever really did the reading for and is a fantastically smart guy, but when you're starting out in this business you have to make bold pronouncements, such as "Look, history is ending!" because that's what gets the clicks and pays the bills, much akin to prostitution. Megan and I discuss all that and Martin Luther King's incest-loving confidant after the jump. More »
crappy hour
Who Are All These China Haters And Where Did They Learn All Their Death Defying-Moves?
So...China. Like, oy, right? Yesterday San Francisco rained on the protesters' plan to rain on the Olympic torch relay, but so many questions remain. Where did all these angry Crouching Tiger bridge scaling people come from? Isn't Tibet a kind of nineties cause? Are the protesters just holdovers from the anti-WTO movement who somehow made the massive logical leap from "thinking globalization is evil bc Starbucks" to "thinking globalization is evil bc lead toys and monk beating"? Who are the mysterious men in blue? And who beats up on the torch bearer in the wheelchair? And if even the Chinese press is covering the wheelchair thing, and the Dalai Lama himself is saying he's all in favor of the Olympics...could the whole thing be a sinister inside job? Megan and I ask each other these questions and more with occasional pauses to Google answers for answers after the jump. More »
crappy hour
Your Nagging Ancient Mormon Underage Sex Cult Questions, Answered At Last!
So these polygamists: how did they pull it off? How did Warren Jeffs find time time to impregnate 70 women and run from the law? When your spiritual leader is on the FBI's 10 Most Wanted List and you've been chased out of two states and your creepy molestation cult is the subject of a Jon Krakauer book, just how do you go about finding the proper plot in West Texas on which to build your theme park-sized compound and commence bilking the government? Don't these people have a problem with birth defects? What of all the excess dudes? 100 years we've been putting up with this? What, is there some formidable pro-polygamy lobby keeping authorities from charging all these creepy old men marrying 13-year-olds because it will "break up families? (A: yes!) Didn't homeowners in El Dorado fear the whole "Waco" stigma? (Also yes!) Why was a sixteen-year-old who didn't even know how to spell her name the proverbial smoking gun here? And what's with the macro diet? Does it make up for all the inbreeding? Glamocracy's Megan Carpentier and I yearn to know more about Yearning For Zion, and we do all the morbid internet research so you don't have to, after the jump. More »
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What The Fuck Do You Think You're Doing Picking On Poor Monsanto, Vanity Fair?
The latest Vanity Fair features an extensive investigation into an eeeevil corporation called Monsanto. You may have heard of Monsanto; they make genetically-modified seeds. Long a target of the Frankenfood fearmongers and self-righteous polisci majors, Monsanto makes fancy seeds that are immune to the destructive forces of the weed-killer Roundup, which Monsanto also makes, and because Monsanto's seeds are patented, farmers are not supposed to re-plant the new seeds they get from the crops they grow. But some do anyway, which is why Monsanto has to employ a vast network of spies to keep constant watch over farms throughout the world, following them with hidden cameras, rifling through their seedage, testing their farms for Monsanto's technology and filing hundreds of lawsuits against rogue farmers and seed dealers. (Oooooh, poor farmers! Let them keep their ethanol subsidies!) This fascinating probe into the dark heart of capitalism comes to you courtesy the magazine's "Green issue," which features on its cover the centimillionaire entertainer Madonna, who knows a thing or two about zealously guarding intellectual property. More »
crappy hour
Dear Cindy McCain, We Love You Just The Way You Are Made Up
Dear Cindy, we are sorry. We did not mean to belittle your pain over being called a vagina sixteen years ago. We were just sort of distracted. Distracted by the fact that John used the word "trollop," which, in the context of a rebuttal to a subtle jab about how fucking old he was, was kind of unintentionally hilarious. And by your makeup, and additionally, your steely expressions and rigid hairdos, which sometimes appear as their own sort of counterparts to the torture your husband endured in Vietnam. After the jump, Megan and I are going to go back and explore that famous McCain marital spat of 1992 for the true meaning of calling someone the c-word, but only after we explore the famous Andrew Sullivan-Chris Hitchens L-word spat, and briefly discuss how seven-year-olds are behind the latest Obama endorsements, John Cleese could be behind the next epic Obama race speech, the Washington Post is officially the best paper in America; too bad journalism is dead. Enjoy! More »
news roundup
You Know, Cindy, He Might Have Been More Tactful But John Sorta Has A Point About The Tranny Makeup
- John McCain called his wife a "cunt" sixteen years ago. The full quote, in response to Cindy's "playful" mention of his male pattern baldness, was: "At least I don't plaster on makeup like a trollop, you cunt." I have to give him bonus points for using the word "trollop" and also, calling her out on what looks to be an unhealthy relationship with Mary Kay, and by the same token I have to give Cindy bonus points for adopting a Bangladeshi child, weaning herself off painkillers and throwing all that addictive energy into applying nine coats of foundation. (And what can we say, Meghan: she comes by it honestly.) [Wonkette]
- Spike Lee is really glad he made Do The Right Thing, otherwise Barack Obama would have taken Michelle to see Soul Man and America's greatest union would have been jeopardized. Also: the "Clintons would lie on a stack of Bibles." [NY Mag]
- 61% of historians agree that Bush is the Worst President Ever, according to an unscientific History Network poll of 109 historians. And just how did he go about pulling that off? Well, he combined "the paranoia of Nixon, the ethics of Harding and the good sense of Herbert Hoover," in the words of one historian, and applied laserlike focus to doing "only two things well," explained one of the survey's "most distinguished" historians. "He knows how to make the very rich very much richer, and he has an amazing talent for f**king up everything else he even approaches." [History Network]
crappy hour
Hillary Clinton Paid $10 Million For This Dude And Obama Got Samantha Power For Free?
Never thought I'd say this but: I missed crapping out the Crappy Hour. Amateur hack punditry is an addiction, an addiction that will eventually kill us all, and let me tell you, not being able to glibly offer congratz to the Clintons for earning more than $100 million in the past seven years, or new Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain for making $84 million in one year alone, or shadowy greasy haired newly-ousted Clinton pollster Mark Penn for squeezing $10 million out of the Clinton campaign and only three hundred grand from the Colombians — someone's getting paid by the wrong Colombians, Mark! — it was tough. I actually found myself reading...books! (Short ones, don't worry!) Megan Carpentier of Glamocracy fills me in on the really important memes I missed, briefly eulogizes Charlton Heston and tells me the most awesome wonk pollster pun of Campaign 2008 after the jump.More »
