• OMG. Is the world ready for little 4-year-old David Banda? Madonna says, when it comes to her work: "He knows every song, every word, every step, and he wants to wear all the costumes." And:

"He likes my dress that I wear in 'La Isla Bonita.'" Her Madgesty says that all of her kids are into dancing and "secretly" study with her dancers. But she insists they are not spoiled: "They get great bonuses and perks out of being my children and they know it, and they're very grateful and appreciative for it. I think they are pretty balanced in terms of how they view fame or celebrity or things like that. I think it took them a while to adjust, but I think they're okay about it." [People]

• Bruce Springsteen has posted a statement on his website: "Like many of you who live in New Jersey, I've been following the progress of the marriage-equality legislation currently being considered in Trenton. I've long believed in and have always spoken out for the rights of same sex couples… I urge those who support equal treatment for our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters to let their voices be heard now." [AP, BruceSpringsteen.net]
• Buff Werewolf Taylor Lautner will be on Saturday Night Live this weekend, and in a video promo at the link featuring Taylor and Kristen Wiig, nothing funny happens. [JustJared]
• Julia Roberts got drunk and silly at a celebrity charades fund-raiser, saying things like, "I can't fucking lose on this!" And: "I usually go to sleep at 8:15! Let's have fun! I'm wearing tight pants and my kids are asleep!" [Page Six, Gatecrasher]
• On Barbara Walters' 10 Most Fascinating People, Kate Gosselin said that her kids miss the TLC cameras and were all "sobbing" at the loss of their pals: "They cried in the van on the way home from school the other day," Kate told Babs. "They kept asking, 'Where's the camera crew? Where's the camera crew? We miss them.' And I said, 'Our show is over.'" Lady, you need to start saving for therapy. Plus eight. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Barbara Walters' "10 Most Fascinating People" are: Glenn Beck, Lady Gaga, Kate Gosselin, Jenny Sanford (the wife of wandering South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford), Tyler Perry, Michael Jackson's three kids and Adam Lambert. Wait, isn't that 9? "A lot of people nobody had ever heard of last year," Babs says. "And a lot of it is about sexuality." [NY Post]
• Susan Boyle dreamed a dream and it came true! She sang on stage with Elaine Paige. The performance will air as part of a TV special. [Telegraph]
• 90 minutes before Tiger Woods' car crash, his wife, Elin, called Rachel Uchitel and yelled at her, "I know everything." Elin hurled a cellphone at Tiger and broke his tooth, then grabbed a golf club and chased him around the house. He ran to his car barefoot to get away from her. Allegedly. [NY Post via Star Magazine]
• Tiger Woods' reps offered a witness with "detailed knowledge" of Tiger's affair with Rachel Uchitel $200,000 to STFU. [Radar Online]
• Tiger Woods' best friend, Byron Bell, is getting married this weekend, and the bride is a sales rep for Nike. Tiger Woods is the face of Nike Golf, which is how Byron and the lady met. [TMZ]
• Is Beyoncé working on a lucrative, long-term contract with Wynn Las Vegas? [AP]
• Nicolas Cage's ex, Christina Fulton, claims he promised her a house but the evicted her — and, in addition, inflicted her with "mental, physical and emotional abuse" during their relationship. Which ended 15 years ago. She wants $13 million. [TMZ, People]
• Sienna Miller and Jude Law are on, and they don't even care who knows it. [Page Six]
• Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood and girlfriend Ekaterina Ivanova: Splitsville. Ronnie's relationship with Katya, as she is known, was responsible for the end of Ronnie's 23-year marriage to wife Jo. [Daily Mail]
• John Stamos says his "racy" pix are so tame he's going to release them himself! Blackmailers were trying to extort $680,000 from Uncle Jesse, even though the snaps just show John posing with fans. [NY Post]
• Danity Kane's Aubrey O'Day was seen "shaking everything she's got" in front of Samantha Ronson, who was not interested. [Page Six]
• Michael Jackson allegedly left his Las Vegas mansion a wreck; the place needs $234,000 (from Michael's estate) to repair damages. [TMZ]
• Matt Damon's dad is sick. [Alfre Woodard's daughter, Mavis Spencer, has been named 2010 Miss Golden Globe. She's an aspiring model and soon-to-be Columbia University freshman… And she's gorgeous. [ET]
• Coming to a theater near you on Valentine's Day, 2011: Pretend Wife, starring Adam Sandler and, maybe, Jennifer Aniston. The plot is under wraps but I imagine the two will PRETEND to like each other, hijinks will ensue, and they'll fall in love. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• Josh Brolin: Being considered for a role in Men In Black 3. Why MIB3 is being considered is another story. [LA Times]
• If you want to see a KTLA newsguy go off on Perez Hilton, there's a video at the link. Dude calls the blogger a "talentless dope" and says: "We've been here long before Perez Hilton upchucked his way onto the scene and we'll be here long after he slithers away." [Fishbowl LA]
• There's been a possible break-in and theft at Nicky Hilton's house… Has the Beverly Hills Burglar Bunch struck again? [Pete Doherty. [Independent]
• The Craft star Rachel True has a stalker with a disgusting mind. The woman was arrested outside Rachel's house with a "large sex toy" in her possession. More lurid details at the link. [TMZ]
• RIP As The World Turns. My grandmother watched, and after she died, my grandfather watched. My mom watched, and me, my brother and sister watched in the summer. Meg Ryan, Julianne Moore and Marisa Tomei were all on the show before doing movies. End of an era! [NY Post]
• "I could be coming to Broadway. I sure want to. And nobody knows this. I haven't told anyone. You're the first to know. That is, if there's something to know… actually, it could even be off-Broadway. Right now it was just a reading, but I'm excited at the possibility. Who knows?" — Roseanne Barr might work with Ethan Hawke's theater company. [Cindy Adams]
• "We were together for a year, and we just started breeding. We were like, 'Let's have a baby!' And eight days later…" — Jennifer Garner, on her family planning with Ben Affleck. She also says: "I can live with Ben working crazy hours. But I can't live without girlfriends… It's fine if he's not there; I just need someone to bitch about it to." [Page Six via W]
• "I used to paint fried eggs. I was in a phase" — Shakira, in the upcoming issue of W magazine, on her amateur art career. [Page Six]
• "I can't remember when I was last carrying a film. To have a man's story entrusted to me has been very rare. It's in your hands. You have three wonderful co-stars, but basically [my character] George is yours for the day." — Colin Firth on Tom Ford's film A Single Man. [Reuters]
• "With each decade I've enjoyed a fuller feeling of womanliness. I'm healthy, busy and happy. I've nothing to complain about. And I like my body now. I have more curves. They come from age, but I don't care. I'm just glad they're there. At 40, I had my daughter Charlotte, and that was so exciting. At 50, I had just enough age really to appreciate all the good things. And at 60 I feel – touch wood – one has all the wisdom that one's accumulated, the perspective that it's a joyous thing to work with other people." — Sigourney Weaver, who also says she will not get Botox: "Actors' faces have to move. Yes, we want to see perfect people but we also want to see people who look like us. It's just about skin care to me and maybe exercise. I feel I've earned my laughter lines." [Telegraph]
• "I wanted to do the suicide scene, but was told it wouldn't be appropriate. I've also had to tone things down generally. But it doesn't matter, because I'm a massive fan of the queen. I was so excited and have even been practicing my curtsy." — Lady Gaga, on meeting Queen Elizabeth. [NY Post]
• "I'd love to be an assassin. Either that or a lesbian. Maybe both. Hey, a gay assassin, there's nothing hotter than that. Megan Fox would play my girlfriend — hands down. She's yummy. She's hot. All humans are born with the ability to be attracted to both sexes. I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl." — Rihanna, when asked about future acting roles. [The Sun]

• According to Radar Online, Tiger Woods has agreed to pay alleged mistress Rachel Uchitel "more than one million but less than three million" to keep her from sharing the details of their relationship with the public. [RadarOnline]

• Yet the reported payoff might not be enough to stop the embarrassing tabloid stories from popping up: a friend of Uchitel is now claiming that Woods had dreams about Uchitel with other famous men, writing such things as "I came home, excited to see you, and there you were in the bedroom getting f—ked by Derek and David [Boreanaz]. Some part of me thinks you would like that." [USWeekly]
• Meanwhile, a fourth alleged mistress of Woods, a VIP cocktail waitress who claims she had an affair with Woods back in 2004, has "lawyered up." [TMZ]
• Amy Adams and her fiance, Darren Legallo, have announced that they are expecting their first child. Congrats! [People]
• Naomi Campbell has hired a bodyguard to accompany her in Miami due to an "aggressive female stalker" who has given her trouble in the past. [PageSix]
• Rihanna hit up a NYC club on Thursday night and preferred to party with her girlfriends: "Rihanna was having a great time," says a source, "She danced until 4 a.m. in a skintight dress. She drank champagne and vodka. While every guy in the room wanted to get to her, she only stuck with her girlfriends. They even went to the bathroom together. She insisted on arriving and leaving through the back door — alone." [PageSix]
• ABC has apparently forgiven Adam Lambert: he's been booked to perform on The View December 10. [TMZ]
• "Brad and I have three magnificent children and we look forward to raising them. We say we are going to be a family that lives in two different houses. There are challenges, but I think it will be a good year."-Jane Kaczmarek on her divorce from Bradley Whitford [People]
• Helen Mirren says that though things have improved for women in Hollywood since she started out, there's still quite a ways to go: "It has not gone nearly far enough... I want to see more women behind the camera," she noted while picking up her Women In Film lifetime achievement award, "We have great women working in this industry. Let's celebrate them with this award." [Mirror]
• "Opening that center is one of my greatest achievements because it's something I've always wanted to do for other women. It's part of the charitable organization I co-founded with Steve Stoute in 2008, Foundation for the Advancement of Women Now. Our initiative is to educate, encourage and empower women. Yonkers is where I grew up and saw women destroyed, both physically and mentally. So this center is beautiful for me because maybe those women's children or their children's children can go there and get help. I'm hoping to see FFAWN and Mary J. Blige Centers all over the world. Outside of music, that's probably the one thing to which I will devote a lot of my time."- Mary J. Blige, on opening the Mary J. Blige Center for Women [Reuters]
• Miley Cyrus was turned away at an over-21 club on Wednesday night because she's well, not over 21. [TMZ]
• A truck carrying roughly 50-75 dresses for Victoria Beckham's new fashion line, worth approximately £350,000, was robbed last night at knife-point in London. "This operation was meticulously planned. The thieves must feel they can make a fortune selling the collection on the black market," says a source, "Victoria was informed straight away about the incident and was shocked and deeply saddened, although her first priority was the well-being of the driver." The dresses were eventually supposed to be delivered to Neiman-Marcus in New York City.[DailyMail]
• Morgan Freeman, who began taking flying lessons in 2002 and now has a pilot's license, is going to christen his new private jet with a trip around the world. [DailyExpress]
• Jake Gyllenhaal's mother, screenwriter Naomi Foner, would really like to see him play Danny Kaye in a film. "(We'd watch) Five Pennies, The Court Jester and Hans Christian Anderson," Gyllenhaal says, "My mother was a big Danny Kaye fan and would always play me these movies. She is, in fact, the person who always calls me up and is like, 'You should redo The Court Jester!'" [DailyExpress]
• Katie Holmes eats french fries, world apparently stops turning. [DailyMail]
• "To me it's strange that, you know, my sister calls me a weirdo. I love my sister, we get along, but I'm the weirdo? I'm the one that's weird? You buy a magazine with pictures of celebrities' children in them so you can read about children in magazines, and I'm the fucking weirdo?"-Zach Galifianakis [Guardian]
• Sienna Miller and Jude Law were spotted leaving Law's apartment minutes apart last night, which means they may be back together. Alternately, it means absolutely nothing. [DailyMail]
• "Elton lives on that. He will not be happy until I bang on his door in the middle of the night saying, 'Please, please, help me, Elton. Take me to rehab.' It's not going to happen. Elton just needs to shut his mouth and get on with his own life. Look, if people choose to believe that I'm sitting here in my ivory tower, Howard Hughesing myself with long fingernails and loads of drugs, then I can't do anything about that, can I? People want to see me as tragic with all the cottaging and drug-taking... those things are not what most people aspire to, and I think it removes people's envy to see your weaknesses. I don't even see them as weaknesses any more. It's just who I am."-George Michael, on his drug use. [DailyMail]
• Michael Keaton says he has two of his Batsuits from his days playing Batman for Tim Burton, but he's afraid they might be falling apart: "One is in storage. Sometimes I think, I know I'm going to go there and rats will have eaten it and I am going to go 'No!'. They are going to be worth a lot of money." [DailyExpress]
• "Yeah, we were mates. God, that was so cool. It was the saving grace. Because it got a bit sticky after the Beatles. No, we were really good mates again - it was lovely, actually."- Paul McCartney, on his relationship with John Lennon before Lennon's death. [TimesOnline]
• Nicolas Cage was presented with the U.N. Correspondents Association's Global Citizen of the Year award last night and named a UN Goodwill Ambassador in honor of his commitment to humanitarian work. [Yahoo]
• Jessica Simpson has "completely fallen" for Billy Corgan and wants to "take things a lot further." In related news, my brain has just melted all over my keyboard and my copy of Siamese Dream just spontaneously combusted in the corner of the room. [JustJared]

• A source claims that Taylor Lautner has proposed to Taylor Swift. The source was last spotted running down the street screaming, "It's true! Now stay away from Bella! You're ruining everything! Team Edwaarrrrddd!" Not really. But maybe? [ShowbizSpy]

• "It's crazy to me that in my head, that being 32 and dating women is going to get me in trouble. I can't even explain to you how terrible that feels, that I equate dating a woman with punishment, shame, guilt, disappointment, reproach, reprimand, persecution. It's a nightmare."John Mayer [NYTimes]
• Kristen Scott Thomas will also be co-starring in the upcoming Bel Ami, alongside Uma Thurman and Robert Pattinson, as "one of Pattinson's conquests." [DailyExpress]
• Brad Pitt, meanwhile, will be fighting off aliens in the Bermuda Triangle for an upcoming adaptation of the video game Dark Void. [DailyExpress.]
• Heidi Klum hit the runway just five weeks after the birth of her daughter, Lou, for the Victoria's Secret fashion show in New York City. "I embrace that I have more curves right now," she says. [DailyMail]
• Klum also legally changed her name to Heidi Samuel yesterday, taking her husband, Seal's surname. It's not clear yet if she'll go by Heidi Samuel professionally. [People]
• "We are engaged, and Darren and I are completely committed to ‘until death do us part,' although we haven't made it official with the paperwork yet. It's not for any political reason or that we're waiting for this or for that, but maybe one day we will have an official ceremony."-Rachel Weisz on her relationship with Darren Aronofsky. [JustJared]
• Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson snuck out of the official New Moon afterparty in order to spend time at another club with Joan Jett. Pattinson was spotted singing along to Pulp's "Common People," which means I'm obligated to like him now. [USWeekly]
• Amy Winehouse smokes cigarettes after she leaves the gym. [TheSun]
• "I like to wear crazy stuff. I mean, if I'm hanging out at home watching TV… But I like expressing myself, I like stuff that's not typical. I like being different. Being different and being eccentric feels normal to me." -Adam Lambert [JustJared]
• Nicole Richie is back home after spending time in the hospital in order to battle pneumonia. "But don't worry," her boyfriend Joel Madden notes, "all is well and we are home with no problems." [People]
• "Oprah Winfrey is first and foremost one of my dearest friends and obviously the person who taught me everything I know about television. Her show was home for me for five of the most exciting years of my life. The Oprah Winfrey Show is the gold standard and I know that she will succeed at whatever she chooses to do next."-Dr. Phil. [E!]
• 50 Cent says he may settle down someday: "I think it could happen. You know, it has to be at the right time. I mean, you see Em make a decision to go home. He didn't want to wake up one morning and Hailie be grown. You know, your life in general, you gotta make choices at different points." [MTV]
• The famous glove that Michael Jackson wore during his first public performance of the moonwalk is being auctioned off today; pre-auction estimates place the glove's value at $40,000-60,000. [Yahoo]
• Project Runway winner Irena Shabayeva attempts to explain why she had "the bitch edit" on this season's show. [EW]
• Nick Lachey is set to host an a cappella singing contest for NBC. You know what that means! It's time to Do It, Rockapella! [People]
• Kim Kardashian is striking back at Star magazine for insinuating that she's had plastic surgery, writing on her blog: "It's no secret I contour my nose now to make the bump go away! I guess it's a compliment to my makeup artist that he does such a good job contouring my nose that it appears smaller. But hey, Star mag thinks it looks smaller... yay! My dream come true, hahaha! Stories like this are so funny! I love that there's a Dr who I've never even met giving his 'professional' opinion on my face!" [KimKardashian]
• Hugh Hefner says that his favorite book is The Great Gatsby, the love of his life is his current girlfriend, Crystal Harris, and that Robert Downey Jr. is being talked about as a potential Hefner in an upcoming film based on his life. [Guardian]
• James Roppo a senior VP of sales at Island/Def Jam records, was arrested yesterday after a mall event he organized featuring tween sensation Justin Bieber got out of control, with "10,000 screaming fans" showing up to get autographs from the singer. [NYDN]
• "And then there are the paparazzi, who always want you to fail. Last night when I arrived they were all going, ‘Smile, smile'. I was smiling but they were shouting, ‘You're so f***ing boring'. Then one fell into a flower pot. That made me laugh a lot. I hate them. There are actors who want that attention, but I don't care about any of that." -Robert Pattinson [TimesOnline]
• "I've been blessed to be able to be eclectic, and I am thankful for that. As I got older, with my work, I became aware of the responsibility of film, and I feel one of the best ways I can apply myself as an actor is to go beyond movie stardom and celebrity. These movies, these so-called "popcorn movies," or "family movies," actually provide something quite beautiful and something quite necessary — which is a family bonding experience. So God bless the popcorn film. Especially movies where you can take the kids, because I remember looking forward to seeing these movies with my parents, and if I can give that back, I'm going to do it. I don't care if people have criticism for it or not, I think it's a good thing."-Nicolas Cage [Film.com]

• Amy Winehouse was supposedly in the hospital because she was sick, but now her dad says:

"It wasn't because she had a cold. She's fine, she just had a little [pointing to his chest] leaky something or other." All together now: What kind of fuckery is this? [The Sun]

• Mariah Carey is supposed to turn on the Christmas lights at a shopping mall in London, and has asked for 20 white kittens and 100 white doves as well as confetti shaped like butterflies to shower her after she emerges from a Rolls-Royce driven on a pink carpet to a podium where she will wave a wand to turn on the lights. A source says: "We did manage to source the doves that we were going to release into the sky, but the kittens proved terribly difficult. In the end, it was made clear that due to health and safety, there was no way we could have the animals." [Telegraph]
• Brad Pitt declined an invitation to the October 31 Grand Prix Ball Abu Dhabi in the United Arab Emirates — even though he was offered $5 million to attend. He went trick-or-treating with his kids instead. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Levi Johnston "made a big show" of sitting in first class. [Page Six]
• Kirsten Dunst is windswept on the cover of Allure, and inside she says that she and ex-boyfriend Jake Gyllenhaal do not keep in touch: "It would be nice to see him," she says. "But we're not good friends." [Us Magazine via Allure]
• In this Q&A, Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke talks about casting Robert Pattinson as Edward, the "electricity" between Rob and Kristen Stewart when they auditioned for her, the sexytimes the cast got into ("You have this hot, young cute sexy cast and you're out of town at hotels. It's going to happen") and her encouraging RPattz to work out: "He's a Brit and they hit the pubs all the time. They don't look too kindly to gyms." She also says that when he first got cast, there were pix of him out and looking like a slob, and fans of the book were upset that he was Edward Plus: "One day he came to me and said, I got this email forwarded to me about how revolting I am. I said, Rob, you cannot read these things. Don't torture yourself. And he said, I didn't. My mother forwarded that to me." [Time]
• Robert Pattinson was at a signing, where "you kind of get 10 seconds with each person and you never really say anything and I kind of got bored of saying, 'Hey, how are you doing?'" So then: "[A fan] said in her 10 seconds, 'What can I do to get your attention?' I was like um, just take your clothes off." What do you think happened? "She stood there and frantically started taking her clothes off and got dragged out of the room by security. I never felt more terrible." [People]
• Is Nicolas Cage broke because of bad judgment? Or because he lived in a house with bad juju? The manager Cage sued in October countersued last week, claiming he warned Cage not to buy castles in England and Bavaria and that Cage ignored him. The guy claims he told Cage he would need to earn $30 million a year to maintain his lifestyle. But! Cage once owned the notorious LaLaurie House in New Orleans, where a doctor and his wife tortured slaves. According to legend, "Many people have lived there since, but every inhabitant moved out within months or suffered tragedy and death." [Page Six]
• Oprah Winfrey's sit-down with Sarah Palin was the highest rated Oprah show in two years… since the entire Osmond family appeared in 2007. [MSNBC Scoop]
• "Victoria Beckham Loves Sex and Salad, Not Burgers." [Us Magazine]
• Asked if she prefers sleep or sex in an interview with Allure, Posh responded: "Sex! I'm getting into bed with David Beckham every night, so, you know, there'd be something wrong if I said 'sleep.'" [The Sun]
• Taylor Swift is suing a sports bar for using her music without permission. [TMZ]
• Janet Jackson's label is putting a lot of effort and cash into promoting her greatest hits album, because they quietly signed her to a new contract next month. [Gatecrasher]
• Leighton Meester needs a doctor who makes house calls. Don't we all? [Gatecrasher]
• Carrie Prejean has been asking Donald Trump for advice; he suggests: "she should become a major porn star, make millions of dollars, and give it to worthy causes." [Page Six]
• Countess LuAnn de Lesseps is dating author Coerte Felske, a "handsome blond," who will be in Real Housewives Of NYC. [Page Six]
• Will Ferrell is Hollywood's most overpaid star, thanks to Land Of The Lost, which cost $100 million and made "only" $65 million. Surely he is trapped in a glass box of emotion right now. [Reuters]
• Brad Whitford, guitarist in Aerosmith, thinks Steven Tyler might be on something: "I suspect there's a lot more going on than we know about. He has a well-documented history of drug abuse, and I find myself very suspicious. I haven't seen him do this or ... have any personal knowledge, but the isolation is very typical of addictive behavior, and his — what I call — irrational behavior." [Reuters]
• Shaquille O'Neal is curating his first art show, titled 'Size DOES Matter.'" [Page Six]
• 50 Cent has opted for tattoo removal. "I took 'em off," he says. I've been on a few acting projects and they been making me get up… My call time is four hours before the regular acting talent because of the tattoos. I've got a project I'm supposed to be doing with Nicolas Cage, called The Dance, it's a boxing film… when you're a fighter you're sweating and with a whole bunch of make-up on and stuff like that, it doesn't look real to me." [MSNBC]
• Jennifer Hudson will play Winnie Mandela in an upcoming film; she says: "I was compelled and moved when I read the script. Winnie Mandela is a complex and extraordinary woman, and I'm honored to be the actress asked to portray her." Of course, she will also do what she does best: Sing the flick's theme song. [Gatecrasher via Variety]
• Heather Locklear's return to Melrose Place gave the ratings a small boost, so she'd better not end up dead in the pool. [NY Post]
• Sherri Shepherd and MVP are so on. [Gatecrasher]
• Joe Francis has tax problems. Serious tax problems. The IRS wants $33,819,087.14 [TMZ]
• Wait, Faye Dunaway owes $1920 in back rent? How much is her rent? How many months is that? [TMZ]
• Hamish Hamilton, who directed the MTV Video Music Awards, will direct the 2010 Academy Awards. Kanye's gonna let him finish… [MSNBC Scoop]
• Zsa Zsa Gabor is okay, her husband insists. "My wife is not dying — it is ridiculous… he gets all the tabloids and she sees the things and she just smiles. She says, 'Tell them I'm still alive.'" [ET]
• "[I decided to do the Tonight Show because of] how shitty it is just trying to develop comedy right now. How dumb ideas are seeming to be rewarded. How a lot of the networks seem to have basically thrown in the towel on comedy and said ‘We just basically don't know what we're doing or what works,' and we just kind of have more stuff where the dad's kind of a jerk, the mom knows best, and everybody just kind of insults each other for half an hour and at the end everybody says they love each other and tune in next week for it all to start again." — Andy Richter. [NY Mag]
• "I was always aware of acting. I remember watching movies on TV when I was young, thinking, 'Oh, come on, that isn't acting.'" — John Malkovich. [Spectator]
• "I've never seen it and nor will I ever. It's a cult. I don't believe in it." — Miley Cyrus, on Twilight. [MSNBC]
• "After we were done, I was like, 'Wow, America is so poor. Just the towns you come across — all that's there are restaurants and gas stations. There are beautiful stretches of pasture, but for the most part, people live simply. The East and West Coast are so different from the rest of America." — Kirsten Dunst and a friend took an "eye-opening cross-country road trip. [Us Magazine via Allure]
• "Having a girlfriend is like playing whiffle ball. Being married is the war in Iraq." — Jerry Seinfeld. [Page Six]
• "There are females doing it, theatrical and a bit over the top. Lady Gaga, Pink, Christina Aguilera — they all put on a show in the spirit of Madonna, dressing up and creating a theme. But there hasn't been a guy do it for a while. In the '70s and '80s there were a lot of artists that did it but for some reason it kind of fizzled out." — Adam "Glambert" Lambert. [Reuters]
• "That image to me seemed really striking and kind of wild. I felt I looked almost inhuman. It was that whole David Bowie-Ziggy Stardust thing where you think he is an alien. It is a weird image and I liked that it was weird. I am weird. I'm nice. But I'm weird. Maybe eccentric is a better word. I'll pick that label." — Glambert, on his album cover. [Reuters]
• "It's funny because Spanish people have no problem with nudity at all… And English people obviously do have the most enormous problem with it. Little things, like when I saw my father getting changed for swimming, I was traumatized by it… I kind of freaked out a bit. [I would get naked for a role but] I think it would depend on what it is. And I don't think a lot of people would really want to see that. I think it would ruin the illusion!" — Robert Pattinson. [NY Daily News]
• "Luke and I are engaged and we'll get married when I want to. But he isn't even 21 yet, so he can't drink in America, so what's the point in getting married until he can?" — good point, Kelly Osbourne. [The Sun]

• Could Michael Lohan go to jail for the phone calls he's been leaking?

Apparently Dina Lohan has had a protective order since 2005 — and it bans Michael Lohan from communicating with Dina by email or phone through 2011. One of the calls is supposedly from 2008, meaning Michael definitely violated the order. [TMZ]

• A "source" on Nicole Kidman's face at the Country Music Awards: "She looked freakish; She just had her lips done, and now she looks like Meg Ryan." [Page Six]
• Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are dating! Director Catherine Hardwicke says so! But she says: "It didn't happen on the first movie. Nothing crossed the line while on the first film," since KStew was 18. Now that she's 19, it's on! TWILIGHT IS REAL ZOMG SPARKLEVAMP 4EVA BITE ME. [Us]
• Because he is awesome, Johnny Depp has offered to take care of Nicolas Cage's debts. Apparently Johnny was a struggling musician when he met Nic in the '80s, and Nic sent Johnny to his agent, who cast Johnny in Nightmare On Elm Street. [Daily Express]
• Levi Johnston had his Playgirl shoot yesterday, which involved a hockey stick and, naturally, nudity. Levi's manager Tank Jones says: "The shoot was fantastic! People are going to see more of Levi than they thought." Grrrreat. There's another shoot today; may we suggest a moose-skin rug? Or an igloo? [Us]
• Levi Johnston says he sees his upcoming memoir becoming a movie. "I would play myself," he says, naturally. [Gatecrasher]
• As previously mentioned, Chris Brown went to a Footaction store on Wednesday, and was heckled. A woman shouted, "I hope someone beats the fucking shit out of you!" Today Chris will be on Wendy Williams saying he's been "perceived wrong" and I'm definitely remorseful, and it's not something that I take lightly or think that it's, like, under the rug." [Page Six]
• Before the Country Music Awards, Wynonna Judd said Taylor Swift's nomination for Entertainer Of The Year was "too much too soon… I want kids to earn it." But now she says: "My intent was not to take anything from her talent and contributions to the country music industry… Taylor is a beautiful, hard working young woman that deserves the success she has had and I support her as an artist and as a woman in the business." Sure, sure. [Us Magazine]
• Lily Allen has hurt her foot after falling while carrying a suitcase down a flight of stairs. [The Sun]
• DVR alert: Kathy Griffin will be on Law & Order SVU. [TV Guide]
• Balloon Dad Richard Heene turned himself in yesterday and was released on a $5000 bond. [ET]
• Richard Heene will plead guilty to felony charges, his lawyer claims. Mayumi Heene will plead guilty to false reporting to authorities — a misdemeanor. Is there a law against making everyone worry? [NY Post]
• Amy Winehouse is working with a Miami-based producer on her third record, but her visa issues keep her from traveling. [The Sun]
• If you would like to see a mug shot of Cindy Crawford's alleged blackmailer, click the link. He's a former model who took a photograph he found in Cindy's nanny's room, and the pic shows Cindy's daughter bound and gagged for a "prank." [TMZ]
• Nadya Suleman would like for you to know that she is a competent mother. [Us]
• Some guy is auctioning off Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley's marriage certificate from when they tied the knot in the Dominican Republic in 1994. The names Jackson + Presley = ca$h. [Perez]
• 20-year-old Daniel Radcliffe smoked pot and a party and it is "news." [Mirror]
• Geena Davis has gained weight and it is "news." [NY Daily News]
• Whoa — Emmy Rossum met Adam Duritz via Twitter? [People]
• BREAKING: Vivica A. Fox and 50 Cent are no longer pissed at each other. [Page Six]
• Rumors abounded but now it's official: Rebecca Gayheart and Eric Dane are expecting their first child. [Gatecrasher]
• In this video, David Beckham talks about playing with the LA Galaxy today, which means missing an England vs. Brazil game. [Guardian]
• Lil' Kim is being sued for $20,000 by British club promoters who claim she accepted money but then did not appear at an event, saying she had a nosebleed. No, really. [NY Post]
• Aerosmith's management reportedly asked Steven Tyler to perform in a wheelchair. "I just wouldn't do it," Tyler told Rolling Stone. Not even if you were contractually obligated to do the gig and hurt yourself acting crazy on stage? Hmm. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Tori Amos' fantasy band would have Janis Joplin on vocals, Stevie Ray Vaughn on guitar, Bootsy Collins on bass and Zeppelin's John Bonham on drums. [Independent]
• In "10 Questions For Tony Hawk," the skateboarder says: "I don't want to name names. I'm just saying many Olympic sports require less physical effort and less talent than skateboarding." [Time]
• Chris Mann wrote the Three's Company tell-all book Come and Knock on Our Door, and served as consulting producer on NBC's behind-the-scenes movie about Company. On his blog, he writes that before John Ritter died, he was asked about Suzanne Somers' supposed breast cancer, and Ritter said: "We don't know if Suzanne has cancer or not, because she lies." [Retroality.tv]
• Jon & Kate is being replaced by Cake Boss, a show that seems super scripted but still pretty funny. And unlike those weird "challenge" cake shows, the cakes actually look edible and delicious. [NY Post]
• Zsa Zsa Gabor has tax problems. Will she have to move to the country and live on a farm with a pig named Arnold? Oh wait. That was Eva. Anyway, Bernard Madoff is to blame for this. [TMZ]
• Saturday Night Live Christmas 2009 airs December 19, and will feature the best holiday sketches from the show's 35-year history. [NY Post]
• TMZ lifted images from Radar Online. [Page Six]
• The Coen brothers are remaking True Grit, with Josh Brolin instead of John Wayne. [NY Daily News]
• "Look, I really am the last British actor who's not in any of the Harry Potter films. I was looking for something I could do that would make me cool in the eyes of my daughter." — Michael Sheen, of Frost/Nixon and, more importantly, New Moon. He also says: "I had to say to my daughter, 'I heard someone talking about this character Aro in these books. Do you know anything about that?' And she said, 'Yes, he's the leader of the Volturi and he reads people's minds. Are you playing him?' Of course I said, 'no, no, no'. When it was all worked out, she cried. Then she hit me." [Independent]
• It feels weird to do interviews because I don't understand why anyone wants to talk to me. There were all these other guys in high school that were bigger, funnier, and more handsome than I was, so why do you care about what I have to say? You should ask them." — Jason Schwartzman. [Advocate]
• "I'm not aware of any fans. I do nothing to live in secrecy, but I really don't get recognized anywhere. Though I was walking my dog recently when someone yelled, 'Hey, Jason!' They said it so sweetly that I turned around and said, 'Hey!' Then they said, 'Fuck you, you asshole!' and drove away." — Jason Schwartzman. [Advocate]
• "I had friends growing up, but I struggled to feel like I really fit in. If I was invited to a party, I would just end up sitting on a couch or standing in a corner by myself. But it wasn't like I was getting beat up or anything. I wish I had gotten beaten up, because at least that would've justified why I felt so homesick all the time, even though I was home." — Jason Schwartzman. [Advocate]
• "Susan Boyle is a lovely gracious woman, and I took advantage of that by poking fun at her." — Sharon Osboune, who, a week ago, said SuBo looked like she'd been hit by a "fucking ugly stick." [NY Post]
• We were disappointed, but we understand. He's only 1. But we were in Alaska and have plenty of footage of Trig." — Barbara Walters wanted to have Sarah Palin's grandson Trig in the studio, but he has a cold and couldn't make it. [Page Six]
• "It's disgusting that people would say those things. My sister has an incredible body. I feel sorry for anyone who would judge her, because she's one sexy lady. There's gonna be a time when I'm way curvier, and that'll be sexy, too." — Ashlee Simpson is tired of people calling Jessica Simpson fat. Ashlee also says her husband loves her body:"Pete isn't worried about stretch marks," she says. "He always makes me feel good." [Gatecrasher]
• "I have half-a-dozen close friends and Mariah is among the dearest. I flatter myself that the relationship is reciprocal: Mariah and I share a strong, sisterly friendship. She signs off all her letters to me with the affectionate endearment: 'Your sis, M.' Though she is stupendously rich and I am relatively poor, it is a friendship of equals. She visits me in my small home; I am a frequent guest at her various mansions and holiday villas all over the world." — from a piece written by a former MTV host who stayed friends with Mariah Carey after meeting her through work. [Daily Mail]
• "There are so many young girls wearing too much makeup, too much hairspray — I find that very dated." — Victoria Beckham. [Gatecrasher via Harper's Bazaar UK]

• A baby for Jay-Z and Beyoncé!?! Apparently they're working on it. [Gatecrasher]
• Lindsay Lohan was spotted in an alley behind LA's Crow Bar, talking on her cell phone and crying. And, naturally, there are pictures. [Daily Mail]

• Madonna is supposed to go to Brazil to meet Jesus' parents; people are taking this as a sign that an engagement is "in the cards." This paper points out that Madge is 51 and Jesus' mom is 36. Does that happen when Hugh Hefner dates barely legals? No. [The Sun]
• Britney Spears is "extremely upset" by a report in Australia that fans stormed out of her Circus tour because she was lipsyncing. A rep says that she is "embarrassed" to be "part of the Australian media" that has "totally inaccurate reporting" and that the article about hundreds of fans leaving is "the biggest lie." [News.com.au, Reuters]
• John Mayer on the Britney lip-sync scandal: "If you're shocked that Britney was lip-syncing at her concert and want your money back, life may continue to be hard for you." [People]
• BREAKING: Jay-Z is the new Sinatra. Adjust accordingly. [NY Tmes]
• Prince Harry and Chelsy Davy: On! They attended a rugby match together on Saturday. Last month they allegedly had "a rather grown up, intimate dinner" at someplace called Beach Blanket Babylon. [People]
• Levi Johnston and Jon Gosselin posed for pictures together in Times Square over the weekend and yet the planet did not self-destruct. [NY Daily News]
• Hmm: Jon Gosselin is going to Hawaii for the wedding of Phillies outfielder Shane Victorino. [TMZ]
• Just what your Monday needs: A chart detailing how Nicolas Coppola became Nicolas Cage. [New York]
• It certainly looks like Bruce Springsteen's concert put Glenn Close to sleep. Unless she is blinking? [TMZ]
• Cate Blanchett looks regal — and yet unreal —on the December issue of Vogue. [The Life Files]
• Iman, Donna Karan and Agyness Deyn were seen teary at a screening of Precious. [Page Six]
• Gwyneth Palrow joins Nicole Kidman in The Danish Girl, a film adaptation of the David Ebershoff novel that tells the story of a relationship between the first post-operative transsexual, Einar Wegener, and his wife, Greta. It'll be directed by Thomas Alfredson, who shot the sublime Let The Right One In. [Variety]
• Sacha Baron Cohen has created Four By Two films, a production company which will generate comedies starring Sacha Baron Cohen. [Variety]
• Oh lord. There's a film in the works called Sheneneh and Wanda — which would star Jamie Foxx and Martin Lawrence playing their famous female characters. According to this report: "The project originated as a parody of a movie trailer for a film called Skank Robbers, which Foxx and Lawrence made for the BET Awards." Uplifting! [Variety]
• You know how Randy Quaid was arrested for running out on a $10,000 hotel bill? This story, titled "Randy Quaid's Journey From Actor To Alleged Felon," tells you everything you need to know. Apparently Randy exhibited "oddball" behavior back in 2007; his wife Evi called someone a "Nazi bitch" in 2008. [People]
• At the link, six ways Jon Hamm has an impact beyond Mad Men. [NY Daily News]
• Jim Carrey's website is "trippy," and has a "fantastical, psychedelic vibe." It looks like a Dali painting but from someone who likes Canada, hockey and octopi. [NY Daily News]
• Are you interested in seeing Susan Boyle sing on Dancing With The Stars? [NY Daily News]
• Susan Boyle says she is getting back on track, but things were hectic for a while: "My life ceased to be normal when Britain's Got Talent went live… There were phone calls 24 hours a day. They kept me awake for three weeks until I changed my number. It was totally out of control, like a steamroller. It just got bigger and bigger and bigger until, eventually, it can flatten you." [MSNBC Scoop]
• In her new play, Nightingale, Lynn Redgrave takes a look at "the life of Beatrice Kempson, her maternal grandmother, a woman she barely knew and wanted to know better." [AP]
• Dennis Hopper is undergoing an experimental treatment for prostate cancer. "It has great promise," he says. "Everything's good right now." [EW]
• Whee: The Wanda Sykes Show got pretty good ratings! [Variety]
• Michael Jackson's kids helped a dog named Scooby Roo get some wheels. [TMZ]
• Reality show mini series The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty — which focuses on Jackie, Jermaine, Tito and Marlon — airs on A&E December 13. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Joe Jackson is looking for $15,000 a month from Michael Jackson's estate. [Mirror]
• "People want an answer of when we'll be back, and I think it's impossible… It's unfair to say when we'll do Fall Out Boy again. It's hard to be creative. You just feel compressed all the time. We just want to let ourselves decompress." — Pete Wentz, whose band is releasing a greatest hits CD. [ONTD via Music Radar]
• "I come from the slums, I come from a hard background, I come from a poor family, and I was a soldier. And I was a soldier in a war that was a little bit different, so I know what I am talking about, more than most people do. With this script, it was as though someone had been reading my thoughts." — Michael Caine on new "urban western" film Harry Brown. [Telegraph]
• "I'm my own worst critic, and I don't need any more negativity in my life. So I go to my Web site and see good reviews and things that make me feel good." — Carrie Underwood likes visiting her fan site. [UPI]
• "I can't think of a single romantic thing that I've ever done. I would never serenade someone to be romantic – you have to have so much balls to do that. I put a flower in someone's locker when I was 15 years old, this girl called Maria. She thought that it was someone else and the other guy claimed it as well, which is great." — Sparkle Vamp Robert Pattinson is still trying to get the Twihards off his back. Or front. Whatever. [People]
• "I get quite obsessive about things, and possessive as well. I have very, very specific ideas about how I want to do my work and how I want to be perceived, to the point of ridiculousness sometimes. I don't listen to anyone else. That's why I don't have a publicist — I can't stand it if someone's trying to tell me to do something which might be a mistake." — Robert Pattinson. [People]
• "Outside London where I lived, there was no gay pub or bar you could go to. And even if you found one, it was 'Knock three times and ask for Louis.' It was horrible living this secret life. You could feel a little bit what it was like to be a Jew in central Europe during a certain period. It was horrible." — Sir Ian McKellan. [Metro.co.uk]
• "You adore music more than anything in the world, you have a great passion. But that doesn't mean you had to marry the lead singer of every band you ever had a poster of on your bedroom wall." — Patsy Kensit — who has married Dan Donovan of Big Audio Dynamite, Jim Kerr of Simple Minds, Liam Gallagher of Oasis — in a letter to her teenage self. [Daily Express]
• "It would be interesting for people to see that side of me." — 50 Cent would like to be in a romantic comedy. [Gatecrasher]
• "Desperation. I had a sick mom. I wanted to make her feel better. I used to go in there, aged seven or so, and do impressions of praying mantises, weird things, whatever. I'd bounce off the walls and throw myself down the stairs." — Jim Carrey on the origin of his comedic instincts. [Daily Express]
• "It's not just an old person singing covers, no, thank God." — Marianne Faithfull on her new CD. [AP]
• "Every song that you hear on the album has an element of freedom in it. If it's the way that I'm singing, or the style that I'm explaining something. For me, freedom is a big deal — I think for all of us because we're all looking for our wings to fly, to not be held back, to be free to be who we are. So that's another reason why I called it The Element of Freedom." — Alicia Keys. [CNN]
• "I gained three pounds since yesterday. I weigh myself every day. Today I vowed that I was going to wear flats, and then last second, I threw on some heels. I can't wait to sit down already. It's hard carrying extra weight. I'm over the red carpet being pregnant." — Kourtney Kardashian. [NY Daily News]

• Nicole Kidman to British GQ: "I've explored obsession. I've explored loss and love in terms of being in a grief-stricken place, I've explored strange sexual fetish stuff…"

"…I've explored the mundane aspect of marriage, and monogamy." She glosses right over that sexual fetish stuff and talks about marriage: "You work on it," she says. "It's a very extraordinary, adventurous place to be: incredibly raw, incredibly dangerous and you're very much out at sea. You're exposed. You could drown. When you commit to someone like that, you live and die together by that decision." Oh! And: "I became famous very young. I became very famous because I was the wife of somebody. I did a lot of good, worthwhile work in Australia between the ages of 14 and 19 and then I married someone famous. And really, despite the huge profile that brought to me, I was still finding my feet. I know my agents at the time were like 'Do not get married! It will ruin your career!' and I was like 'But I'm in love.' All I know is that I wasn't someone interested in fame. And that's not why I got married. I wanted to work with people who intrigued me." [Daily Mail via GQ]

• Nicole Kidman may have crazy info about her 10-year marriage to Tom Cruise, but she's not talking: "I have never discussed the intricacies of it and I never will," she says. "I am not writing a book. I will go to my grave with all my secrets, all my stories." [Telegraph]
• Brad Pitt says his motorcycle crash was "a little mishap." He explains: "No injuries, except my ego. I was trying to get away from some paparazzi and instead gave them a good story. It was my favorite bike, so that is really sad." He's in Tokyo right now, and he says he will "definitely be looking at motorcycles" while there. [AP]
• Ladies and gentlemen, your Oscar hosts are Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. What say you of these choices? I like Baldwin, though I can't recall the last time I saw him — or Martin, for that matter — in a movie. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• Alec Baldwin on hosting the Oscars: "I got lucky. Today's my lucky day." [NY Mag]
• Speaking of Alec Baldwin, that Lil' Wayne cake his daughter had for her birthday was not his idea. [NY Mag]
• Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have requested to do press separately for New Moon. An insider says: "They want to avoid being seen together. Any time they're photographed in the same place, the rumor mill just starts all over again, and that makes the paparazzi hound them even more. They requested to do things apart so the scrutiny around them will be a little less intense." OK, which has already claimed ENGAGED!, WEDDING and SPLIT! will have to find a new angle. [Gatecrasher]
• Chris Martin's publicist says the married Coldplay frontman did not, repeat, NOT make out with Kate Bosworth, though a tabloid recently reported otherwise. [UPI]
• Nicolas Cage is suing his former money manager for $20 million but sources say Nic is a compulsive spender who bought houses, motorcycles, a jet, yachts, vintage and new cars, expensive watches, meteorites, dinosaur skulls, an enormous pet collection, massive amounts of jewelry for the women in his life, group vacations for his entire entourage, and on and on and on. "He lived like a sheik," an insider says. "Spent money like it was water." Click here for a gallery of his pricey assets. [The Daily Beast]
• Roman Polanski has re-appealed to the Swiss courts to be released from prison on bail. [NY Post]
• Why was Sean Penn's 16-year-old son arrested at school last week? Drugs. [Radar Online]
• Jon Gosselin and Hailey Glassman went to dinner on Halloween and there were people dressed up as Jon in the restaurant. Awkward! [Page Six]
• Did Jon Gosselin orchestrate Hailey Glassman's tearful confessions so they could get paid? [NY Daily News]
• Josh Duhamel says he did NOT cheat on Fergie and have a one night stand with a stripper from Atlanta. The stripper, Nicole Forrester, told an Atlanta radio station: "We did hook up and had lots of sex and we had a really, really good time." [People]
• The folks at Radar Online gave the stripper, Nicole Forrester, a polygraph test and she passed. An expert says "One of those questions was had she had sex with Josh Duhamel. And she answered yes." [Radar Online]
• Russell Brand is a changed man, thanks to Katy Perry. Or as this paper puts it, "The dinkle is dormant… except for his girlfriend." [The Sun]
• An insider says that Ashlee Simpson was kicked off of Melrose Place because "she was a total diva on set, late all the time, and deeply disliked by fellow cast members. t created a lot of discord among the cast." Oh, and "she could barely act. [Fox 411]
• Frances Bean Cobain caused a scene at an Amtrak counter. Dare we say like mother like daughter? [Page Six]
• So the reason a young boy could describe Michael Jackson's penis in the 1993 molestation case is not because he was molested but because MJ liked to pee in front of people? Makes sense, sorta, and yet: Do Not Want. [EW]
• David Hasselhoff has launched a new online series, Mitch Winehouse's Showbiz Rant. Yeah, Amy Winehouse's dad has a show. [Mirror]
• DJ AM's home in Beverly Hills is on the market, so if you'd like a four bedroom place with a lushly landscaped backyard with pool and spa — and you have $3,795,000 — act now. [Real Estalker]
• Bruce Springsteen is "quietly working" on his autobiography, which could be "the biggest rock music autobiography of all time." [NY Post]
• At the ACE awards, Lady Gaga left baby powder on Marc Jacobs' blazer. [NY Daily News]
• No one cares about Gossip Girl anymore. [NY Daily News]
• Kerry Washington is making her Broadway debut in David Mamet's play Race and says: "I had been missing theater for a long time, so I've been looking for the right play. To make a Broadway debut doing David Mamet and to originate a David Mamet role-this is the kind of shit you tell your kids about." [Village Voice]
• Kate Beckinsale's daughter will play the young version of Kate in a film; Kate says: "The producers harassed me for a long time saying 'can she audition?' and I said no because she would probably be on the set anyway, if she auditions and doesn't get it then she's going to feel horrible. Eventually she got wind of it and asked if she could and she got it fair and square." [Mirror]
• Mario Lopez and his dimples will host the Miss America pageant, which airs on TLC January 30. [AP]
• Sienna Miller is dating someone called DJ Slinky Wizard. [Page Six]
• The Glee cast can't walk in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade since it's an NBC production, so the parade is getting the next best thing: Jimmy Fallon and The Roots. Because that's who kids want to see. [MSNBC Scoop]
• At the link is one of the most distasteful things I have ever read. It's about Ryan Jenkins and a Halloween party. [TMZ]
• On the ABC soap One Life To Live, a gay character this week dumped his fiancé for another man mid-ceremony. [NY Post]
• The scene from Bruno in which LaToya Jackson is "interviewed" — and Bruno tries to get Michael Jackson's number out of her cell phone — will be included in the DVD release as an extra. [People]
• Q: What do you think when people throw the word "Oscar" around?
  A: "It makes me nervous. Because I don't know what an Oscar-winning film is. I don't know what an Oscar-winning actress is, other than the obvious examples — Halle Berry and Kate Winslet and all these people. I can't see it because it's too close to me. I haven't been in this business very long and I don't know what it looks like… If you interview me in two years and I have a couple of Oscars, I probably knocked someone out for [them]." — Precious star Gabby Sidibe. [LA Times]
• "I think we must all remember that the ultimate accessory is the condom." — Lady Gaga. [Page Six]
• "You can't read somebody's diary. You shouldn't read it. I burnt most of my journals after I remarried… You're only going to find out bad things." — Nicole Kidman. [Daily Mail via British GQ]
• "I can't keep always playing long-haired, scruffy men, otherwise my career would be limited. I was hoping one day to play Napoleon, but I can't play Napoleon as this shaggy-haired, bearded raconteur. But I did also want to play Rasputin, so that'll be good, I can look like this." — Russell Brand might cut his hair so he can get film roles. [The Star]
• "I do not believe in diets. I have been on diets in the past, and they are a bunch of bologna. This is a lifestyle change. It's not about being skinny. It's about getting in the best shape that you can be." — Tyra Banks. [Us Magazine]

• Lindsay Lohan is in Morocco for the opening of some resort and was spotted kissing Gerard Butler at the launch party. She allegedly said:

"He's hot, he's mine! I've got no ring on my finger so I'm going to have lots of fun. This is the most romantic place in the world." Of course, since Gerard was linked to Jen A, this piece begins: "It seems there is yet more heartbreak in store for unlucky-in-love Jennifer Aniston." [Daily Mail]

• Lindsay Lohan Tweeted from Morocco: "some guy was following me, then pulled up in his car&pointed a GUN at me! The guy started laughing&pushed the trigger&it was a fake gun..I was crying..he scared me." [Gatecrasher]
• Lindsay's dad Michael Lohan — who's been talking about kidnapping his daughter and doing some kind of intervention, has been threatened with imprisonment by Dina Lohan, who says: "He is hurting Lindsay. It breaks my heart. She says, 'Mommy, when is he ever going to stop?' He is also six months behind in his child support. On Monday we will file a violation order and if he doesn't pay he'll go to jail." Oh, and you know those voicemail messages Michael was going to play on TV? Dina fumes: "He's getting a cease-and-desist letter so that's not going to happen. If it's something personal about your child, you don't go public with it." Dina also says: "He is desperate and spiraling out of control." [Daily Express]
• "My father is a lunatic & doesn't even deserve such a title since he's never been around in my life other than when he'd threaten me & my family. He should be where he has always put himself after verbally abusing and physically abusing people all my life-behind bars. It's so sad to get a phone call from my baby sister just now asking, 'why is daddy doing this?' Through tears. He's crossed the lines & hurt me & my family 4 the last time." — Lindsay Lohan. [People via Lindsay's Twitter]
• Michael Lohan says he'll stop talking if Lindsay goes to rehab. "But if the lies continue and the prescription drug use doesn't stop, neither will I." He also says: "I wasn't going to let people hear Dina's drunken rants about Lindsay, and I certainly wasn't going to let people hear anything about Lindsay, but now that Dina and Lindsay continue to lie and deny their problems, and even make up stories about me, NOW you will see and hear Lindsay's calls and texts. I am NOT the liar, they are. Hopefully then, they will realize how deceptive and in denial they are and finally realize that lying and denial are part of their addictions. I am sorry I had to take this route, but I have tried and tried to help Linds and I have been lied about long enough." [Radar Online]
• Kelly Bensimon was spotted being civil at her Halloween party! "She was dancing and saying hi to everyone," a partygoer says. "A lot of people were kind of shocked at how nice she was being." Kelly was also totally buddy-buddy with former frenemy Jill Zarin, who came dressed as Poison Ivy. [Gatecrasher]
• Tonight TLC will air Kate: Her Story, in which NBC's Natalie Morales sits down with Kate Gosselin for "her most intimate interview to date." [MSNBC Scoop]
• Precious is getting Oscar buzz, but the cast and crew are being cautious. "I know nothing about that," Mariah Carey said when asked about the Academy Awards. Director Lee Daniels said: "I'm in my bubble. The minute I embrace that concept of Oscar buzz then I'm in the fetal position with the covers over my head, chain smoking with a bottle of tequila, sitting next to the phone waiting for my agent to call me. I can't go there, I don't even embrace it." [Mirror]
• "As far as the Oscar, this being my first film, I'm having the best ride of my life. I don't know what makes an Oscar-winning actress. I don't feel like Halle Berry or Meryl Streep. I just feel like Gabby." — Gabourey Sidibe. [NY Post]
• Katie Holmes has replaced Liv Tyler in an indie comedy called The Romantics and will also serve as executive producer on the flick. The plot: eight friends from college reunite for a wedding. The cast includes Anna Paquin, Josh Duhamel, Malin Akerman, Elijah Wood, Adam Brody and Jeremy Strong. [Variety]
• Even though some of her items were recently returned to her, Paris Hilton feels "very, very violated" by being burglarized by the Teen Thieves. I could write that I feel very very violated after seeing her topless sex tape pix all over the Internet but whatever. [The Sun]
• One of Lady Gaga's earliest memories is watching her mother going through her fashionable closet: "She always looked so much more pristine than all the other mothers. I have a lot of her in me." At the link, see Gaga in a pink wig and studded mask. [ONTD via Flare Magazine]
• Ewan McGregor and George Clooney are both in Men Who Stare At Goats, but it's not the first they've worked together: In 1997, Ewan guest-starred on ER as a robber who gets shot; Clooney was the surgeon who tries to save him. "I was literally unconscious," Ewan says. "He was just doing all the dialogue over my undressed body." [USA Today]
• Your moment of Zen: Click to see Jon Stewart, his wife and kids dressed up for Halloween! [Celebrity Baby Scoop]
• Blake Lively was a brunette flight attendant for Halloween; Penn Badgley was a 1970s basketball player. Michael Kors was a hippie. [Gatecrasher]
• Coco and Rihanna celebrated Halloween with an interesting skin-to-costume ratio. [The Life Files]
• The guy who was arrested for attacking Ryan Seacrest's security guard was training to be an actor and TMZ has video of one of his scenes. [TMZ]
• On December 7, Carrie Underwood's two-hour Fox variety show, Carrie Underwood: An All-Star Holiday Special will air, featuring a duet with Dolly Parton and a trio with Christina Applegate and fellow Oklahoman Kristin Chenoweth. She'll also sing with American Idol alum David Cook: "We sound really good together, point blank… Out of all the people that have been on Idol, he's my best friend." [USA Today]
• In The Last Station, Helen Mirren plays Sofya, Tolstoy's wife of 48 years and the mother of his 13 children. Mirren, whose real name is lynea Mironov, felt a connection with her character: "My great great grandmother was a Russian countess and one side of my family was Russian aristocracy; the other was English working-class, so I'm a good contradiction." And: "This is one of the great women's roles in film. Sofya is a wonderfully tempestuous and passionate person." [Telegraph]
• Mark your calendars: January Jones, aka Mad Men's Betty Draper, will host Saturday Night Live on November 14 — with the Black Eyed Peas as musical guests. November 21, it'll be Joseph Gordon-Levitt and the Dave Matthews Band. [EW]
• Despite all the scandal, The Late Show With David Letterman hasn't shown lower ratings. It's down 8% in its coveted 18-49 demo but up 13% total viewers… Compare that to The Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien, which is down 15% in the demo and down 47% in viewers. [Reuters]
• Cute pic of Sam Ronson on the back of Mark Ronson's scooter. [Daily Mail]
• Edward Norton ran the New York Marathon with an unofficial time of 3:48:01. He and 3 Masai warriors — and others, including Alanis Morrisette and David Blaine — ran to raise money for the Maasai Wilderness Conservation Trust. [ONTD]
• Ryan Reynolds ran the New York marathon as well; pic at the link. [Gatecrasher]
• Model Veronica Webb also ran the marathon. [Page Six]
• The cast of Glee will be presented with a Hollywood Diversity Award later this month. [Reuters]
• A waiter at high-end restaurant Clarke Cooke House in Newport, Rhode Island asked Kevin Spacey not to smoke in the establishment. Spacey called the guy an "aggressive prick" and the guy got fired. [Radar Online]
• At the link, Sparkle Vamp Robert Pattinson does his best James Dean for Vanity Fair. [ONTD]
• Speaking of the Sparkle Vamp: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart will allegedly be on the December cover of Harper's Bazaar. [WWD]
• Mel Gibson is a father for the eighth time: His girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva had a baby girl on Friday. By the by, Oksana is 39; Mel's eldest daughter Hannah is 28. [Daily Mail]
• Kelly Rowland plays a happy housewife and mom of triplets in the new 50 Cent video, although there's a twist at the end. [The Life Files]
• Clive Owen's costars can't stop gushing about how awesome he is. [The Star]
• Tila Tequila is auctioning off a plaster cast of her boobs to help raise money for breast cancer awareness. [Page Six]
• "British film icon Sir Michael Caine has abandoned his support of the Labour party and announced he will vote Conservative at the next general election." [Telegraph]
• RIP August Coppola, Nicoalas Cage's dad and Francis Ford Coppola's brother. [Page Six]
• Q: Did you ever think that the dancing baby was ridiculous?
  A: "No, honestly, I was quite intrigued by it. I thought it was smart! Obviously, it was symbolic of Ally's biological clock ticking away, and I thought, what a great way to do that. I loved the fantasy sequences; I loved that we got to see her imagination come to life." — Calista Flockhart on Ally McBeal. [Newsweek]
• "Would you take a photo with me? I love Asians!" — Anthony Anderson. [Page Six]
• "What do you mean, you don't know who I am? I'm on Bravo." — Chad from Million Dollar Listing. [Page Six]
• "In the area of our veterans coming home with traumas or PTSD or whatever, it's one of those issues that isn't pretty to look at. We ask these people to fight for us and risk their lives, and certainly potentially alter their outlook of the world or how they react to things. I think it would be nice for us as a society to have some more awareness of what they go through, and to take on some more responsibility for the results of our asking them to go over there." — Tobey Maquire, who plays a Marine captain who survives captivity in Afghanistan only to find his relationship back home with his family — and his self-image — changed, in the family drama Brothers. [LA Times]
• "[The movie] is definitely not a history lesson. It's very relatable. She doesn't get on with her mother. She's in love for the first time. She's a teenager. And she's in a job where she's in way over her head." — Emily Blunt on the teenage Queen in Young Victoria. [LA Times]
• "I think parents need to take a lot more responsibility than they do about whether it's OK for their children to go to Resident Evil or any other movie with violence or sex or whatever. It's really easy to blame Hollywood for violence having an effect on kids, but movies would have no power if parents would just set their own standards. And it's the same with video games." And: "I did this movie .45 that kind of never saw the light of day, it went straight to DVD. I really connected with this character who was a victim of domestic violence but ends up taking control. I think a lot more women today are taking control as opposed to being the kind of stereotypical female who's weepy and gets abused by men. Women are more educated now about abuse. It's not like it was in the '80s. I think they're much more in control of all aspects of their lives. I think Japanese girls are fascinated with strong women. Their culture really puts such a focus on being subservient. Like, you go to Tokyo and they bow and they want to make sure everything's good. That's like a cultural phenomenon. So I think to see a woman kicking butt and using weapons makes them feel a little empowered. So there's a huge fan base for the Resident Evil movies over there." — Milla Jovovich. [ONTD via Parade]
• "I don't want to be a movie star like Angelina Jolie. Nothing about being a celebrity is desirable. I'm an actor. It's bizarre to me that everybody's so obsessive." — Kristen Stewart. [Showbiz Spy]
• "I like to iron. Ironing is comfort. It's control. I'm a nutty person who likes to make sure everything is in its place." — Sandra Bullock. [The Life Files via Parade]
• "I think I'm just misunderstood. I'm not a fame seeker. Everyday I look in the mirror and I wonder [why I'm famous]. I don't sing. I don't dance. I'm not a Nobel Peace Prizewinner. I just had eight kids and I had a show on TLC… Half the stuff I've done, if I look at my moral compass, I shouldn't have done. I know that but I did it anyway. It's like fame canceled out conviction. I want to apologize to Kate in private… I'll apologize to her for openly having relationships in the public eye. That was a huge mistake, because if she would've done that to me, I would have been extremely pissed off. Not because our relationship is over, it's almost like a stab in the back. And now that I think about it, it was a very wrong thing to do. I definitely regret it." — Jon Gosselin. [People]

• Kate Gosselin's lawyer, Mark Momjian, claims that Jon Gosselin is earning money outside of the family's TLC show and that Kate is entitled to a piece of it, especially after Jon drained the couple's joint bank account. [Radar]

• "We can't specifically verify whether he is getting paid but we think he is. The only person that can answer that is Jon Gosselin. We suspect he is though," Momjian says, "He was on TV [Inside Edition] saying he's always making money and that he has money. For that, we take him at his word!" [Radar]
• Meanwhile, Jon Gosselin's lawyer, Mark Heller, a lawyer from New York who can only practice law in Pennsylvania if an in-state lawyer sponsors him, as just had his sponsorship withdrawn, which means Jon might be lawyerless for the moment. Did I mention that Jon's lawyer was also suspended from practicing law in NY for 5 years "for a variety of misdeeds?" Is this real life? Seriously? Could you cast this thing any better/worse? [TMZ]
• Amy Winehouse has reportedly received breast implants in preparation for her "comeback" appearance on the British television show Strictly Come Dancing. [Mirror]
• Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are more than just friends; they're actually distant cousins, descended from "a bricklayer who came to the U.S. from England in the 1630s and settled in Ipswich." [USAToday]
• Ellen DeGeneres has been preparing for her new stint as an American Idol judge by watching past seasons on DVD. "Ellen and Portia have been watching old seasons on DVD to see how the judges interact with contestants and audience," says a source. [ShowbizSpy]
• Megan Fox's dog was diagnosed with pneumonia, but is on antibiotics and is recovering. [TMZ]
• In other celebrity dog news, Brooke Burns' lost dog was "found by Brooke's groomer's client's neighbor." It's a long story. [TMZ]
• And in even more puppy news, Michael Jackson's children were so moved by the sight of a two-legged dog they saw on television that they decided to raise funds for the pup in order to buy it prosthetic legs. [TMZ]
• "I remember having to make conversation with Michael Jackson. That had to be one of the freakiest moments of my life . . . he wasn't quite the figure he's become today, but still, I remember even then, staring at his nose, and it was all about, 'Don't Stare at His Nose.'"- Hank Azaria, on working with Michael Jackson on The Simpsons. [PageSix]
• Michael Jackson's high school yearbook shows that he was voted "Best Dressed," "Most Creative," and "Shyest." [ONTD]
• Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are reportedly "dreading" the upcoming New Moon promotional blitz they'll both have to go on soon: "Rob and Kristen love the acting; but they hate everything else - the publicity and hype - that goes with the Twilight franchise," says a source. [ShowbizSpy]
• "I could be the most boring mentor since Mariah Carey. God bless her, she's ace. But all she said was, 'That's great. God bless you'."-Robbie Williams on his upcoming guest spot on The X Factor. [TheSun]
• "I think the reason I write about love so much is because I have no idea what is going on with love. It's unpredictable and I haven't figured it out yet."- Taylor Swift [ShowbizSpy]
• Billy Mays' son, Billy Mays II, says he was proud of his late father's "appearance" as a ghost on the season premiere of South Park. [TMZ]
• Alicia Keys is designing her own line of handmade jewelry, called "The Barber's Creations." Each piece comes with an "engraved with a message of hope." [DailyExpress]
• Oh, lord: the wives and girlfriends of all Yankee players have been banned from talking shit about Kate Hudson after Derek Jeter's girlfriend, Minka Kelly's "coldness" toward Hudson was revealed on Page Six. "The Yankees told the girls to be careful who they spoke to about Kate," says a source, "They are concerned about the ramifications for the players." [PageSix]
• Marvel is currently in talks to produce a Spider-Man spin-off film, centered around Spidey's nemesis, Venom. Topher Grace, who played Venom in 2007's Spider-Man 3, is not expected to play the lead in the spin-off. [DailyExpress]
• "I could see myself working with [director Frank Miller] again but, I don't know. Graphic novels are things that I wouldn't do a lot of, so I would have to really choose carefully before I did. At one point, he talked to me about one of the Sin City [films], and we discussed that. There's a kind of cool character I think in the third one, but it was all very kind of soft talk."- Gerard Butler[JustJared]
• Katy Perry and Russell Brand are apparently getting serious, as Perry told her fans via Twitter that she wasn't posting as often because she'd fallen "in a love K-hole." [TheSun]
• It's weird. I watched a bunch of movies from the 70s with my girlfriend recently and I felt so sort of sweet after each movie. And it was like, 'What is that?', and she said, 'None of the movies were snarky.' The absence of snark was such a delightful change. So, I don't know, I'm a fan of non-snarky things."- Demetri Martin [Guardian]
• Gene Simmons says the only way to survive in rock for over 40 years is to avoid alcohol and drugs: "The only way to do it is no booze, no drugs . . . If you are not clean, you don't belong up there. I've never been drunk or high in my life. The only way to survive the long haul is to be straight-nosed. I've been here for four decades." He recommends sex as an alternative, btw. [PageSix]
• Blues musician Abu Talib, perhaps better known as Freddy Robinson has died at the age of 70. [Yahoo]
• Britney Spears' former boyfriend, Adnan Ghalib, has pleaded "no contest" to leaving the scene of an accident after hitting a man; the man was attempting to serve Ghalib with a restraining order, and apparently jumped on the hood of Ghalib's car to stop him, but Ghalib kept driving. [NYTimes]
• Los Angeles prosecutors wrote a letter to the California Second District Court of Appeal, asking that Roman Polanski's request for an appeal, filed before his recent arrest, be denied, as "the issues he presented no longer apply." [Yahoo]
• Nicolas Cage allegedly owes 6.3 million dollars in back taxes. [People]
• Blind Item: "Warner Brothers studio almost fired which young actor after he lost lots of weight and was therefore totally unsuitable for his role in a film series? A compromise was reached when they got him some prosthetics." [BlindGossip]
• "What's left to wish for? A number one album would be good. And to have a movie made of the book, maybe with Johnny Depp playing me - I'd like that. But, really, I'd like to go back in time and make better choices. Still, I know now that there is no such place as Utopia. Even if I do make it to heaven, you can bet your life the toilet will stink."-Ozzy Osbourne [ShowbizSpy]
• And finally, good morning! Here's a picture of Paris Hilton, kissing a chimpanzee. [DailyMail]

[Image via INFDaily.]

• Michael and Dina Lohan will work together on getting Lindsay Lohan off of pills. Says Michael Lohan. [Radar Online]

• Papa Lohan says of Lindsay: "Her problem is prescription drug use. I've seen pictures of her in Paris, and she looks totally out of it. There are morons hanging around her, and they have their hands on my daughter." [Gatecrasher]
• But! Dina Lohan says: "I don't go — like my ex — on national television and make things up. He's estranged from Lindsay; he doesn't know what's going on in her life. Michael doesn't talk to her. "I've had full custody of all my children for the last 10 years. He has been incarcerated for some of that time, so whatever is going on in Lindsay's personal life is our business. And for him getting paid to say things about her when he's five months behind in child support is wrong." Oh, and re: Ungaro, Dina sniffs: "The critics can say whatever they want, but Lindsay is a genius." [Page Six]
• "Leave Lindsay alone. Let her be a real 23-year-old. Let her grow, and let her artistic abilities flourish. Stop judging the Britneys and the Lindsays. They are very creative girls, and that is a gift from a higher power of God."— Dina Lohan. [Page Six]
• Dr. Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson's personal physician, may face arrest — and could lose his medical license — after missing a late child support hearing. [NY Post]
• "The CBS producer accused of blackmailing David Letterman was convinced the comic king bedded 'six or seven' female staffers, a pal of the newsman said Thursday." [NY Daily News]
• A chimpanzee was supposed to be a guest judge on Dancing With The Stars on Tuesday, but PETA complained. This is not a joke. [NY Post]
• Nicole Kidman has teamed up with Omega watches — she signed watch boxes to benefit the United Nations Development Fund for Women. Fifty percent of the proceeds of the watch sales will go to UNIFEM. [WWD]
• Jon Gosselin didn't leave the twins' birthday party at 6pm — he stayed to put his kids to bed. And he was cordial to Kate. But did not spend the night. [TMZ, People]
• You know how Jon Gosselin brought a misspelled birthday cake (it's "Mady", not "Maddy") to his kids' birthday party? Well it was sort of an insult to Kate, who was making a cake from scratch. [BBC News]
• Mischa Barton was spotted buying rounds of shots for Ryan Ross — formerly of Panic At The Disco; currently in Young Veins. [Gatecrasher]
• Mischa Barton was spotted getting out a cab in front of a bar, yelling "I need a drink!" Been there. [Page Six]
• Uh-oh, Nicolas Cage owes over six million dollars in unpaid taxes. Uncle Sam doesn't like that. [TMZ]
• Dr. Phil is denying that he forced a woman to stare at a naked man and grabbed her breast. [TMZ]
• Hilary Swank walks around naked in front of her boyfriend's son. "You wonder at what age you should stop walking around nude," she admits. "But he doesn't look twice. He doesn't think about it yet." Really? He's 6 years old. [Gatecrasher via Marie Claire]
• Khloe Kardashian will now be known as Khloe Kardashian Odom. Adjust accordingly. [Page Six]
• Robin Williams will do his stand up act, Weapons Of Self Destruction, in NYC in November, his first show since having heart surgery. [NY Daily News]
• LOL: Woody Harrelson gets his zombie punchlines from Paul McCartney. [NY Post]
• Mya's dress split at a party; she used safety pins and staples to cobble it back together. Stars are just like us! [Page Six]
• "The husband of Danielle Staub from "Real Housewives of New Jersey" claims she strait up lied when she called him a rapist and a dog murderer ... and now he's suing her for defamation." [TMZ]
• At the link is a recap and insider report and blow-by-blow account of Jeremy Piven's Broadway drama/Speed-the-Plow meltdown. [NY Times]
• Kylie Minogue will do a residency in Vegas? Makes total sense. [Mirror]
• Speaking of Kylie: her ex-boyfriend Olivier Martinez has accepted undisclosed libel damages over a claim that he had cheated on her during their long-term relationship. The Sun apparently makes stuff up. [The Star]
• Breaking: Audrina Patridge is single and happy. [People]
• Kristen Bell will star as Christina Aguilera's rival in Burlesque, a musical drama about "a small-town girl with a big-town voice who finds love and success in a neo-burlesque club." You guys, Cher plays the club owner. CHER. [Hollywood Reporter]
• On the Wanda Sykes HBO special: "She is… the funniest person in America… Sykes gets the crowd laughing early and keeps them laughing to the end, with no significant down time and no cheap tricks… [It] all builds to a prolonged, brilliant segment on being gay and black that puts a racial spin on every coming-out cliché- making us see both with new eyes." [USA Today]
• "Filmmaker Steven Spielberg, long recognized for his artistic achievements, was honored with the Liberty Medal on Thursday for his compassion and humanitarian work." [AP]
• Parker Posey has joined the cast of Highland Park, a dark comedy with Danny Glover. The film focuses on the high school faculty in a struggling community. In the story, a teacher wins the lottery and uses the cash to restore the local library; the film is actually attempting to help reopen a real library in Detroit. [Hollywood Reporter]
• "Thursday's episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta took a dark turn. Following the news of the death of Anthony "AJ" Jewel outside his Atlanta strip club last week, viewers watched his then-fiancée, Housewife Kandi Burruss, waver about the future of their relationship - awkwardly unaware, as the cameras rolled, that the relationship had no future." [People]
• Isaiah Washington: Still looking for jobs. Sources say it's not because of the Grey's fallout, but because he is difficult to work with. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Gloria Estefan bought 2,000 tickets for her concert in Puerto Rico this weekend and will distribute them via raffle among 17,000 recently laid-off government workers. [AP]
• Gladys Knight is embarking on a farewell tour? Is she taking a midnight train? [Independent]
• "I'm in 'Gay Paris' — I swear as an Englishman that by the time I leave tomorrow it'll be known as 'Hetero Paris.' Or at least Bi Paris." — Russell Brand. [NY Daily News]
• "I was always thinking 'how am I going to keep my old chap in my pants?' But Ayda and me are very loved up – sprogs on the way and all that business. I don't know what will go on down the road, but I don't want to do anything to fuck it up or do anything to upset her." — Robbie Williams on gf Ayda Field. [Telegraph]
• "My dad went into a rant. Farrah came flying at him to defend herself, he blocked her and, in the process, broke her arm. They spun the truth to protect Ryan (but) I was there, I saw it happen." — Griffin O'Neal says his father Ryan O'Neal cheated on Farrah Fawcett and was abusive. [Daily Express]
• "It's obviously very strange, a little mad. Especially the [Audrey] Hepburn comparisons. I mean, that's such a lovely thing to say about the film, and I see it in the Paris montage. But you know, I didn't think about the end product much when I was making it. I just thought, what fun! There's Emma Thompson! I had to fight for this part; I auditioned three times and must have called my agent every day for two months afterwards. I knew it was a special gang going in, but I just thought…oh, I have to play Jenny. Her journey is enormous." — Carey Mulligan on all the buzz her performance in new film An Education is getting, in which she plays "a fiercely intelligent teenage girl living in barely pre-Beatles London." [The Daily Beast]
• "It's fucking weird. I'll be the first to admit that New York is one of the greatest cities in the world. But what you see on screen is not the life we really lead." — Gossip Girl's Penn Badgley, who likes taco stands, not fancy restaurants. [BlackBook]
• "The only expert thing I know about a relationship is that I don't know anything. I think every time I think I know something, obviously you then learn that you don't know anything, but I do know this to be true: I know that men marry women hoping that they will not change, and women marry men hoping that they will change, and inevitably, everyone's disappointed." — Vince Vaughn. [Independent]
• "Younger guys are generally more adventurous, not set in their ways. I don't like guys my age because they are normally either married or divorced and grumpy, fat and balding." — Madonna. [Daily Express]

• Jay Leno went after David Letterman last night, dropping a few Letterman jokes in his opening monologue. "If you came here tonight for sex with a talk show host," he told his audience, "you've got the wrong studio." [USWeekly]

• Leno then ended the monologue with "I'm happy to say that I've never had a sexual relationship with any of my staff members." [USWeekly]
• Jimmy Fallon also took a swing at Letterman: ""There's a new book out called Why Women Have Sex that says there are 237 reasons why women have sex. And, folks, Letterman knows the top 10." [USWeekly]
• CBS producer Robert Halderman, the man accused of trying to blackmail David Letterman for 2 million dollars, was reportedly deep in debt and "desperate," according to Assistant District Attorney Judy Salwen: "The evidence is compelling. It shows the defendant is desperate, and he is capable of doing anything." [AP]
• Meanwhile, Halderman's attorney says "This story is far more complicated than that two-minute statement by the assistant district attorney." [ET]
• Halderman has been released on bail, but must stay away from Letterman, due to a temporary order of protection issued by Judge Michael Melkonian. [TMZ]
• A source who used to work for Letterman says the reports of his affairs aren't surprising at all: ""It wasn't a big deal because he wasn't married. And we heard he had a girlfriend, but she never came around, so it just wasn't a big deal. He wasn't considered a sex symbol or anything. In fact, off the air, he came across a lot older than he was." [People]
• Another source claims that Letterman's behavior is typical of workplaces with intense schedules: "In politics it's the same thing. People who live it, eat it, breathe it ... [It's] not some sort of predatory, 'Let's hire beautiful women so we can feast on them' kind of thing. That's just not the way it works." [People]
• Elsewhere in lawsuit land, Nicolas Cage is being sued for 2 million dollars after missing a payment on a loan. [TMZ]
• Christina Milian and her husband, The Dream are expecting their first child. [People]
• "Yeah, I think I can appreciate that fashion exists for really skinny fucking people, you know, and I need clothing. I mean, I had a moment and it was great. I have lots of free things in the closet and, like, I don't have to wear them or sell them, and someday maybe I'll go through another crisis and fit into them again. Who knows? But at this point, I think it's time for me to, you know, embrace being 30 and not really care so much. I'm not going to lie. Of course I care. I'm a woman, you know. But I think you can still, like, be attractive, and I think maybe things get a little better."- Natasha Lyonne [NYMag]
• Kate Gosselin will appear on the Today show on Monday to discuss Jon Gosselin's latest round of shady moves. [People]
• Sarah Ferguson says she still gets along very well with her ex-husband, Prince Andrew: "Prince Andrew and I stand very firmly by the idea that, yes, people do sometimes have to move on through life and get a divorce, but not all divorces have to be acrimonious - you can actually do it for the greater good, for yourself and for your own personal growth." [DailyMail]
• Kate Beckinsale, named Esquire's "Sexiest Woman Alive," doesn't have very fond memories of her former modeling days: "I was on the cover of Elegant Bride magazine when I think I actually cried. I was looking sort of misty, bridey eyed. It was mortifying. There I was, in my riot-grrrl feminist stage, with a puppy." [Esquire]
• "I try not to be a jerk. I really do. I try to be nice and cordial. I've seen the real extreme diva behaviour and I don't think that's who I am. I think I have mannerisms and that whole thing, and I'm running around in these shoes. But even before I had any type of fame, I was like this." -Mariah Carey [Guardian]
• Katy Perry and Russell Brand are reportedly in a "secret romance," which is so very secret that the Daily Mail has all the details. [DailyMail]
• "Katy knows his bad boy reputation but could not resist - especially when Russell sent a love poem with a note attached saying, Please send me a poem back.," says a source, "Russell killed himself laughing when Katy sent a photo of her boobs with the word 'poem' scrawled across them. The next minute Russell picked up the phone and invited her to Thailand for a secret getaway." [TheSun]
• Hayden Panettiere pushed producers to include a lesbian storyline for her Heroes character, Claire: "I kinda threw it out there... They (writers) put you in relationships and I was like, 'Can I just be with a girl or something...? Let's do that." [DailyExpress]
• Tennis star Chris Evert and golf star Greg Norman have split after 18 months of marriage. [DailyExpress]
• According to Joey Ramone's brother, Mickey Leigh, Ramone struggled with schizophrenia throughout his life. Leigh and Legs McNeil plan to discuss Ramone's illness in the upcoming book ""I Slept With Joey Ramone: A Family Memoir." [PageSix]
• Courtney Love is still having financial troubles: "I'm f****d now dude. I have 120 bucks, my kid hasn't had a decent meal and I'm getting evicted." [TheSun]
• Kim Kardashian, the cover girl for November's Cosmo, says that she's learned from her experience with the now-infamous Ray J sex tape: ""I was devastated, but when something negative happens, I pick myself up and move on…and I don't make the same mistake twice." [JustJared]
• Lady Gaga plans to start a solo tour, now that her "Fame Kills" tour with Kanye West has been canceled. [ShowbizSpy]
• Kristen Stewart says that filming The Runaways saved her from losing her mind on the set of the Twilight films: "I think I would have been a psychopath by the end of a four-year stint on the Twilight saga without anything like that to change it up." [ShowbizSpy]
• The Spice Girls are planning to get back together, with or without Victoria Beckham: "This time next year at least four of the five girls will be back on stage doing the Spice material again." says a source. Zig-a-zig-ah! [TheSun]

• More on this in Midweek Madness, but Lindsay Lohan hit up L.A.'s Crown Bar earlier this month — and took 15-year-old sister Ali with her. A source says:

"They partied until after 1 a.m., and she treated Ali as if she were just one of her friends at the club with her. And Ali was excited to be there." Earlier in the evening, the ladies were elsewhere: "They walked into Teddy's at the Roosevelt Hotel around midnight. Both of them were smoking like chimneys and dancing around." [MSNBC Scoop via Life & Style]

• Samantha Burke is looking to sell exclusive photos when she gives birth to Jude Law's baby. Jude's Hamlet on Broadway opens October 6, the same day little love child Sophia is due. Which tab will pay for an interview and pix? [Page Six]
• Remember how Jude Law pushed a female photographer out of the way as he left a London club in July? 'The Crown Prosecution Service has decided not to take action against him, deciding he had "no intention to assault anyone." [Telegraph]
• Patrick Swayze will be cremated and his ashes will be spread across his New Mexican Rancho de Días Alegres (Ranch of Happy Days), which he called his favorite place in the world. [Newser]
• Dancing With The Stars will honor Patrick Swayze on its September 23 results show. [People]
• PAPYRUS, a suicide prevention group, says that Lady Gaga's performance at the VMAs was "sensationalizing and romanticizing suicide," which is "irresponsible." A commenter named "nick" writes: "erm dude lmao, she didnt pretend to stab herself, paparazzi is about how fame can cause death, shes sending out a message to young people that The Fame is a tough path and not everyone should go down it. Like princess diana died because of fame, jesus you guys just cry about anyone whos doing so amazingly well! GaGa your awesome!" [Pop Crunch]
• Bobby Brown is one of the only "celebrities" in the new Celebrity Fit Club, unless you count Shar Jackson. [TMZ]
• Drew Barrymore had never put on skates before shooting Whip It, but she and her castmates went to a roller-derby boot camp. She says of her decision to direct: "I've been producing for 15 years, and it's all been preparing for the big test. I really care so much about what I do, and I love filmmaking so much. I love every detail and every aspect of it. I think slow and steady wins the race, too. I didn't need to direct when I was 21. I wanted to produce and learn about the filmmaking process and understand every element going into it, so that by the time I did direct, I was as knowledgeable and well-prepared as possible." [AP]
• Serena Williams: Not in danger of losing any of her estimated $12 million in annual endorsement deals after her outburst at the US Open. [AdAge]
• Diddy's cop drama: "It was just a little misunderstanding…miscommunication. Me and the officer, we worked it out… Things were a little aggressive for me, which I'm not really used to." [TMZ]
• Joe Jackson's busty date at the VMAs is a singer he manages, but some people seemed to think it was tacky to bring her to see Janet's tribute to Michael. Like Jennifer Lopez, for instance. [Page Six]
• In this video, Jon Gosselin says that even though Stephanie Santoro's mom claims he once said he threatened suicide and had a sexual relationship with her daughter, it's not true and "people are always trying to make money" off of him. [Radar Online]
• Meanwhile: Kate Gosselin as been asked to appear on The View on Friday, the same day as Kathy Griffin, who recently opened the Creative Arts Emmys in Ed Hardy-wear saying, "I just banged Jon Gosselin." Plus: Kate will get a show called Mom Logic, where she'll work with Southern cook Paula Deen. Their show will have "a mix of advice, health and beauty tips and celebrity gossip geared toward moms and moms-to-be." [Radar]
• Spotted at an NYC gay party: Daniel Craig. [Village Voice]
• Your morning cute: Walker, the new son of Idina Menzel and Taye Diggs.[People]
• BREAKING: Spencer gave Heidi a maltipoo puppy for her birthday. Wait, isn't Jessica Simpson missing a maltipoo? [People]
• Anne Heche and "lazy-ass" ex-husband Coley Laffoon now have a highly paid court-ordered chaperone called a "parenting plan coordinator" who makes $375 an hour to teach them how to make effective parenting decisions. That's good money, but… yikes. [TMZ]
• Cops were called to the home of Rolling Stone guitarist Ronnie Wood after a "domestic disturbance" with 19-year-old girlfriend Ekaterina Ivanova. No arrests were made. [Mirror]
• A photographer to Mickey Rourke at 1:45pm at a fashion week event: "Smile! Why aren't you smiling?" Mickey: "Cause I'm still drunk." He also said: "I'm wearing the same suit I got from a bad movie I did seven years ago. It's still got the stains from a bullet hole. I just put this colorful pocket square in front of the stain so nobody can tell." [Page Six]
• Lost news! Ian Somerhalder, aka Boone, was en route to Hawaii yesterday. He teases: "The only thing I can say is that I'm going back for several episodes….I have a script that weighs like 200 pounds, but I don't really know what's happening." [EW]
• Guys, I never read celebrity litter-ature, but I just might have to get Kelly Osbourne's new book, Fierce. The description reads: "This book isn't just about me, it's about you. So whatever you're worried about, whatever you want to change, and whatever you want to shout about, me and my friends are here to help." [KellyOsbourne.com]
• Jill Scott will star in a Lifetime movie called Sins of the Mother, based on the novel Orange Mint and Honey by Carleen Brice. The plot revolves around a grad student who returns home to face her abusive, alcoholic mother — played by Scott — only to discover that her mom is sober and has a new life. [Variety]
• DVR Alert: George Takei and his husband will appear on the The Newlywed Game! [NY Daily News]
• "Livid Katie Price phones TV show to say she will NEVER name celebrity who raped her." [Daily Mail]
• In a poll, commissioned by UK's Children's Society, 55% of those questioned thought David Beckham was a good role model for kids; two-thirds of adults believe school-age children do not have appropriate role models in their lives. [Telegraph]
• "I had this, without going into detail, this epiphany, this awakening and it both terrified me and compelled me. I felt blessed and cursed in New Orleans and I was afraid to go back to New Orleans. I knew I had to confront my fears and make a movie in New Orleans so I requested we film in New Orleans so I could go through this catharsis. I really didn't know which way it would go. It was either going to be beautiful or a disaster. The first day of filming I couldn't remember my lines but then it began to flow." — Nicolas Cage on new flick Bad Lieutenant: Port Of Call New Orleans. [Mirror]
• Q: You've made over 40 films. Have your ideas about beauty changed as you've gotten older? A: I've just rewatched Paris, the new film I did that's coming out in America-and it talks about that. Because my character is 40 years old with three children and she feels like her love life is over. And actually her brother, who's very sick, gives her another view of her life by saying, "Go for it. You're lucky to be alive and healthy." So it's not about age. I believe that-that's why I started to dance at age 43 and why I'm doing other things. — Juliette Binoche. Click the link to see Juliette's paintings and an image from her dance performance. [W]  
• "I'm from Illinois, she was from Wisconsin, and I could understand a midwestern quality about her. She knew what she wanted to do: At 8 years old she was playing with her friend and asked her, 'What are you going to do when you grow up?' 'I don't know.' 'Well, I'm gonna be a painter.' At 8 years old, I was, 'I'm gonna be an actor.' So I could see that we shared a kind of focus." — Joan Allen on playing Georgia O'Keeffe in a new Lifetime movie. [AP]
• "I have no desire to have children. People keep saying that it'll change. I'm like, 'No, it's not going to change.' I think it would be really selfish to have a child right now. I'm never home. People don't always think about the quality of life when they're having a child. I love children but I have no desire to have my own child. I'm too nervous to procreate my own genes." — Chelsea Handler. [Telegraph]
• "Sue Sylvester can be a very dark person, and she has joy in her darkness. She loves showing people how cruel she can be. If it didn't live in me, I couldn't do it! In the pilot, when they're introducing my character, Matthew Morrison in the voice-over says, 'She may or may not have posed for Penthouse.' And I thought, 'Oh, OK. I want to play this part! Penthouse?' Plus, she is so cold and ruthless, and I thought this was a nice, extreme character and I wanted to play her." — Jane Lynch on her character in Glee. [USA Today]
• "I feel like (my private life is) no one's business. I don't know about your life. I don't want to, truthfully. It's not my business. It's a very strange thing. But somehow it's like there was some clause somewhere that said, ‘Well, you're a public person so we get to go into your house and search through your drawers.' I don't know who came up with it because I wouldn't have signed on. I don't think anybody would have… It's embarrassing that people are focused so much and putting so much money into gossip magazines to escape. The paparazzi and the magazines deserve their share of the blame, but they're just supplying a demand. It's unfortunate that people don't care that they've been lied to, they don't care that they're being sort of messed with and not given the full truth. They buy them anyway." — Jennifer Aniston. [MSNBC via Parade]
• "I'd rather have a rectal examination on live TV by a fellow with cold hands than have a Facebook page" — George Clooney. [Page Six]
• "My temper is ridiculously bad. I've had to say to Brian, 'You have to go and stop talking to me, because I'm going to kill you. I'm going to stab you with something, please leave.' I'd never own a gun for that reason. I wouldn't shoot to kill. But I would shoot him in the leg, for sure." — Megan Fox to Rolling Stone. [Page Six]

• According to this report, Samantha Ronson went out with Sopranos actress Drea De Matteo last night, got into a fight with Lindsay Lohan about it, and threw LL's clothes out into the street.

Can't really tell if the supposedly illustrative pictures at the link actually reflect that, but whatever. [Daily Mail]

• Oy: Rumor has it that Kevin Federline is working with VH1 on a new reality show costarring his girlfriend, Victoria Prince, and his kids, Sean Preston and Jayden James. Just what the world needs. [E!]
• Meanwhile, Britney's conservatorship might be coming to an end, when her tour winds down in November. She seems like she's doing pretty good, no? [TMZ]
• Mischa Barton's model-centric CW show, The Beautiful Life, will go on with or without her — which means that producers are casting a new recurring character as a Plan B., in case Mischa is not ready for filming the last week of July. [EW]
• Madonna is in Marseilles, where she visited with the victims of the stage collapse which left two dead. She met with the widow of a worker and also went to the hospital where eight injured workers are being treated. [Daily Mail]
• Burn Notice actor Jeffrey Donovan was arrested for DUI in Miami Beach. Nice stubble in the mug shot. [NY Daily News]
• Jon Gosselin and Hailey Glassman were seen hanging out in an upstate New York park, and "They kept stopping to make out - and they made out a lot." [Gatecrasher]
• The reporter Jon Gosselin had dinner with over the weekend often "uses her charms" to get stories, and sometimes wears wigs when she follows celebrities, so as not to be recognized. [Page Six]
• "Are Kate Gosselin and Madonna workout buddies? The Jon & Kate star has arms that mirror Madge's." [NY Daily News]
• It's official: Emma Watson will attend Brown University in the fall. [People]
• Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy: Engaged! [Page Six]
• When Heidi Klum was followed by paparazzi as she took her kids to a NYC park last week, it was other parents at the park who were pissed: They asked the snappers to leave, and when the photographers didn't, the moms and dads threw water balloons at them. [Daily Express]
• Sienna Miller has seen her GI Joe action figure, and she is not impressed. "My doll is cross-eyed and has the biggest chin you have ever seen. Action figures are always a bit off, aren't they? Oddly enough from side on, it is definitely me but front on she looks sort of possessed." [The Sun]
• Here's a video of Katherine Heigl talking about T.R. Knight going to do Broadway now that he's not on Grey's Anatomy: "That really pisses me off," she says. [E!]
• David Beckham's coach is criticizing the player for confronting jeering fans at the first home game of the season: "We appreciate our players and fans passion for the team and the game, but we all must aim to hold ourselves to higher standards." [Mirror]
• Amy Winehouse's mom says the star is on the road to recovery: "A year ago, everyone was saying: 'Will she get through this, will she even survive?' And look at her now. We've got the old Amy back. I always knew she'd come through it. And I know she doesn't want to go back to the drugs. St Lucia was good in many ways because there were no hard drugs around, but she was bored, so she drank…She's put on a bit of weight and looks better than she has in a long time… She was busy cooking, so that's a good sign that she's actually eating. I think she's pleased to be home and I know she's happier now." [Mirror]
• Bonnie Somerville played Suzie Cavandish in Labor Pains, and she says of Lindsay Lohan: "She is supertalented. I had a great time working with her." [E!]
• A balloon company sent Jennifer Lopez a giant bouquet of balloons for her twins, which she promptly sent back. Maybe the colorful arrangement was not classy enough for Jenny from the block? [TMZ]
• Re: Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson: A source says: "Tony pulled the plug because he couldn't stand the constant heat Jessica was putting on him to get married… The final nail in the coffin was an argument they had over how to celebrate Jessica's birthday. She wanted a splashy Ken & Barbie-themed bash with all of her celebrity friends, and Tony wanted a quiet, low-key dinner for just the two of them." [MSNBC via National Enquirer]
• Susan Boyle will appear in an interview on the Today show tomorrow, in which she says of sudden fame: "The impact, like a demolition ball. You know, and anyone who has that kind of impact — finds it really hard to get a head around it. I guess I had to get my head around it, but through the — the guidance of a great team, and they are very good, I was able to see that in perspective and really turn that around a little." [Reuters]
• "Harry Potter's love interest rivals Emma Watson in fashion stakes… Emma Watson finally has competition as the most glamourous Harry Potter screen siren after Bonnie Wright who plays Ginny Weasley was photographed looking equally spellbinding." [Telegraph]
• Mark Lester, godfather of Michael Jackson's children, claims that after the memorial service, 7-year-old Blanket Jackson seemed confused about what was going on. "It is obvious to me that Blanket is still unsure about what exactly happened to his father.He said, 'Where's Daddy gone? On holiday?' It was a rhetorical question and it broke my heart." [Mirror]
• The Jackson family is still "agonizing" over the decision of where to bury the King of Pop, but his body is "temporarily interred" at Forest Lawn Memorial-Park and Mortuary in Los Angeles. [People]
• Joe Jackson was on Larry King Live, where he seemed to blame Dr. Conrad Murray for Michael Jackson's death: "The doctor gave him something to make him rest, and then he don't wake up no more. Something is wrong there," Joe said. [AP]
• Another report claiming that Katherine Jackson is being manipulated to dispute Michael's will. [TMZ]
• Joe Jackson says the rumor that he wants to take Michael's kids on tour as the Jackson 3 is "a bunch of jive." And when asked if he was abusive to Michael when he was a kid, he said: "That's a bunch of bull S." [CNN]
• August 29 would have been Michael Jackson's 51st birthday, and there may be two tribute concerts at London's O2 Arena in August to celebrate. [TMZ]
• Russell Brand. Goat farming. [RussellBrand.TV]
• Ciara is on the cover of Social Life magazine, but she skipped the party for the isue in East Hampton because she had a chance to go into the studio with Justin Timberlake. Social Life editor Devorah Rose has a much lengthier explanation, which you can read at the link if you wish. [Observer]
• There was some chaos at Chace Crawford's birthday party because the prettyboy didn't want to pose for photos. What the hell are we going to paste in our scrapbooks, hmm? [Page Six]
• Will Lizzie Grubman be on Real Housewives Of New York? Short answer: No. [Page Six]
• Jorja Fox: Returning to CSI. [UPI]
• Nicolas Cage is in talks to play the villain in The Green Hornet. Cameron Diaz is negotiating to play a reporter and love interest; Seth Rogen will star. [Variety]
• Uma Thurman will star in Girl Soldier, an indie film about a cleric who helped rescue 140 schoolgirls abducted in Uganda. [Variety]
• "Tyler Perry is paying for 65 children from a Philadelphia day camp to go to Walt Disney World after reading about allegations that a suburban swim club had shunned them because of racism." [AP]
• Ryan O'Neal says he is dealing with Farrah Fawcett's death by answering condolence notes from her fans. [UPI]
• Ryan O'Neal is also spilling about what Redmond O'Neal's last words were to his mother Farrah Fawcett on her death bed, which is maybe a little too intimate. [People]
• Marissa Jaret Winokur is still blogging her "weight-loss journey," although this week, it's "I Fell Off the Diet Wagon." Tons and tons of candy, thanks to her son's first birthday party. [People]
• Jamie Waylett, who plays Vincent Crabbe in the Harry Potter movies, has been ordered to do 120 hours of community service after admitting to growing 10 cannabis plants at his mother's house. [Daily Mail]
• "Bruce Lee's older sister and younger brother have authorized a Chinese company to make a series of biographical films about the late kung fu icon, saying they want to produce a historically accurate account of their brother's life." [AP]
• Whatshisname says he and Whatshername don't let the kids see them fight. [Mirror]
• Whatshisname fell off a stage, btw. [Daily Mail]
• Blind item! "Which indie starlet secretly has a house decorated entirely with Alice in Wonderland paraphernelia?" [Gatecrasher]
• "I would daydream about it all the time. I thought about the fact that there were children who didn't have anything, and I felt like I could help. It was something that weighed on me. It was something I did for the world and for my son and then for me." — Mary Louise Parker always knew she would adopt someday. [People]
• "It was fun. It was a new experience for me just to take my clothes off on camera. So to be able to scream, to be hysterical, to act out all that suffering and all those tears… well, it's not something you get to do every day." — Charlotte Gainsbourg, on controversial and violent film Antichrist. [Telegraph]
• "I'd like to go on record that he is a gentleman. He has not touched me in a bad place once." — Judd Apatow, on Russell Brand. [Mirror]
• "It's a coincidence. It's from a book called Once is Not Enough by Jacqueline Susann. Bad book… People think that I changed my name. I could've been an actress, a superhero, or a stripper." — January Jones, on her name and being born in January. Also, click to see her on the cover of Interview! [JustJared via Interview]
• "The double-edged sword of working with family is it can be the most fulfilling experience you've ever had, but the flip side is it can also be the most tortuous and most stressful, because it's your family and the lines can get blurry." — Shaun Cassidy, who, along with brothers Ryan, David and Patrick, is starring in a new ABC Family show, Ruby & The Rockits. [LA Times]
• "Stand-up is good when you're rolling. When it goes down you feel like 'why the hell did I come here?' and the same thing in acting. If it's not clicking you feel like an ass." — Adam Sandler. [Mirror]
• "This project was rife with opportunities for me to fuck it up enormously and, by doing so, prove my own limitations. To botch the whole thing would have been calamitous." — Hugh Dancy, on Adam, the film about a man with Asperger's. [BlackBook]
• "I see a lot myself in him, he is a Cancer, just like I am. I would love to meet him. He makes me smile just when I see him." — Lil' Kim on Nelson Mandela. [Mirror]

• Grace Rwaramba, the former nanny who took care of Michael Jackson's children, says she often pumped the King of Pop's stomach:

"I had to pump his stomach many times. He always mixed so much [drugs]. There was one period that it was so bad that I didn't let the children see him. He always ate too little and mixed too much." Mallika Chopra, daughter of Michael Jackson's friend Deepak Chopra, has this to say: "Grace never pumped Michael's stomach. She has no idea how she would even do such a thing." [People]

• According to the autopsy reports, Michael Jackson weighed only 112 lbs. when he died, was almost totally bald, had needle marks on his body and had nothing but pills in his stomach. UPDATE: It's all lies. [Mirror, NY Daily News, NY Post]
• Just as you suspected: Debbie Rowe says she was artificially inseminated by an anonymous donor and Michael Jackson is not the biological father of his kids. She says: "I offered him my womb — it was a gift. It was something I did to keep him happy." UPDATE: The story at this link seems to have been taken down. Hmm. [News Of The World]
• Jackie, Jermaine and Tito Jackson visited Neverland Ranch over the weekend, walking the grounds and reminiscing. [Breitbart]
• Will there be a burial at Neverland? [NY Post]
• Michael Jackson's father, Joe Jackson, says that he doubts the upcoming concerts in London were a stress factor for Michael. [AP]
• Thomas Mesereau Jr., the lawyer who defended Michael Jackson in his child molestation trial, says that the star never fully recovered from being accused. Mesereau says he was the victim of mother-and-son con artists and "didn't really trust adults… He looked to children as the people who wouldn't hurt him." [USA Today]
• Michael Jackson's mother has chosen Michael's longtime attorney L. Londell McMillan as the lawyer to represent the family. [AP]
• Will there be a legal battle over Michael Jackson's kids and estate? [LA Times]
• The Jackson family is suspicious of Dr. Conrad Murray and the fact that he was trying to do CPR on a bed instead of the floor the day Michael Jackson died. [TMZ]
• A lawyer for Dr. Conrad Murray says his client never gave or prescribed Jackson the painkillers Demerol or OxyContin. [AP]
• The doctor also claims that when he found Michael Jackson, he wasn't breathing but had a faint pulse. [AP]
• In this video, Spike Lee, Lenny Kravitz, Clive Davis and others talk about Michael Jackson's music. [Time]
• In case you didn't see it over the weekend, here's the "special commemorative edition" of Time with Michael Jackson. [Time]
• A "secret library" of 100 Michael Jackson songs could be released soon. [Times Of London]
• "Bloodsuckers Positioning Themselves To Exploit Michael Jackson's Tragic Death." [NY Daily News]
• "What Michael Jackson Did On His Last Day." (Rehearse.) [Time]
• Michael Jackson's final, "electric" rehearsal may be released as an album. [NY Daily News]
• Janet Jackson made an emotional appearance at the BET awards last night. [AP, NY Daily News]
• Did LaToya Jackson go rummaging through Michael Jackson's house before he died, searching for hidden cash? [NY Post]
• At this link, you'll see some pictures of Michael Jackson and his kids you may not have seen before. He's been working on a song with them, according to a source. [People]
• A Michael Jackson tribute concert could happen in a few weeks. [MSNBC Scoop]
• At a Paul Smith runway show, the designer and his models came down the runway dancing to "Thriller." [WWD]
• No shit: "The death of American pop singer Michael Jackson is one of the top stories of the 21st century for mainstream and Internet media, language analysts said." [UPI]
• Um, this report claims that Michael Jackson's friend Bubbles the chimpanzee is "grieving" and could be coming out with a book: "Bubbles has led an interesting life. There's lots to say." [The Sun]
• The FAA is claiming that TV pitchman Billy Mays wasn't wearing a seat belt when he hit his head on a US Air flight yesterday before dying. [TMZ]
• Billy Mays had just signed a deal and was about to film commercials for Taco Bell. [TMZ
• Britney Spears is not dead, though a message saying so appeared on her Twitter account — it was hacked, as was Ellen DeGeneres'. People are sick. [Telegraph, AP]
• Breaking: Jennifer Aniston is "relaxed and friendly" on the set of Bounty Hunter, which she is filming with Gerard Butler. [Page Six]
• Leonardo DiCaprio removed his Nike Dunks to enter a shrine in Kyoto last week, and some tourists stole his sneakers. [Page Six]
• The maternal grandmother of Mercy James, the little girl adopted by Madonna, says the child was supposed to be an an orphanage for six years and then be with the family… She claims Mercy was never supposed to adopted. [Telegraph]
• Bromance! Justin Timberlake and Prince Harry are new besties. [Gatecrasher]
• Kanye West and Amber Rose: So on! [Gatecrasher]
• Jonathan Murray, executive producer of The Real World, says TLC should keep the cameras rolling on Jon & Kate. "They have the opportunity to explore a situation facing a lot of American families when the parents get divorced. And it sounds like Jon and Kate have come up with a unique situation where they're going to take turns being in the house with the kids… You can explore what happens when a couple breaks up and how both are working hard to keep things as normal as possible for the kids." [USA Today]
• Kendra Wilkinson married NFL player Hank Baskett on Saturday night in a "lavish" ceremony at the Playboy Mansion. Congrats! [NY Daily News]
• Brüno was on a talk show with the Prime Minister of Australia over the weekend and hijinks ensued. [News.com.au]
• Lady GaGa was a no-show at a Take That concert in Manchester, UK. [Mirror]
• Lady GaGa will miss another Take That gig as she is "unwell" and resting "on doctor's orders." [BBC News]
• Lady GaGa's tour rider at Glastonbury was "bonkers," according to this paper: She asked for soft drinks, six kinds of vitamin water, non-smelly cheese, a roast chicken, deli meats, tuna, sofas, coffee tables and mirrors in her dressing room. Is that so odd? [The Sun]
• Russell Crowe left a £600 tip on a £240 pub bill in West Wales. [Mirror]
• NYC Transit Workers talk about stars who have gone to "track school" in order to shoot scenes in the subway: Nicolas Cage ("He was a nice man"), John Travolta, Angelina Jolie ("She was really down-to-earth"). [The New Yorker]
• Bones star Emily Deschanel is supporting The Great Ape Protection Act — which will phase out some experiments on chimpanzees — and asking politicians to do the same. [UPI]
• Vanessa Minnillo was seen grinding on the dancefloor and leaving a party with Topher Grace. [RadarOnline]
• Ricky Gervais has come out against bullfighting: "What is the pleasure in seeing an animal speared to death? Bullfighting needs to stop - it's so cruel." [Times Of London]
• Prepare yourself: A No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency cookbook, with recipes from Precious! [Telegraph]
• Amber Benson, aka Tara from Buffy, is a writer! Her new book, Death's Daughter, is about a fashionista who must travel through Hell itself to become the new Death and save her family. [NY Daily News]
• A famous photograph by Richard Avedon, depicting Nastassja Kinski and a snake, will be auctioned on Wednesday. It could be yours, if you've got £30,000! [Telegraph]
• Lookin' To Get Out — a Las Vegas comedy with a 5-year-old Angelina Jolie making her movie debut alongside Ann-Margaret — will be released on DVD tomorrow. [NY Post]
• Having trouble keeping Whitney Port's fake relationships straight? This might help. [Page Six]
• Elaine Stritch denies that she owes a writer money for helping her with a show; the writer is suing her. [UPI]
• "A blogger who wrote an internet article imagining the kidnap, rape and murder of the pop group Girls Aloud has been cleared of obscenity charges." [Telegraph]
• Blind item! "Which A-list actor has such a steamship-sized head that he needs to special-order his motorcycle helmets?" [Gatecrasher]
• "It's such a ludicrous concept, it is, that such different species as male and female can even cohabitate; it's wrong, just bloody well wrong. And yet it's what we're all raised to gravitate toward. It's a physical impossibility." — Gabrielle Anwar. [LA Times]
• "She's loving doing this music. It's a trip to watch. I have nothing to do with it, which is brilliant. She is just doing her thing, and it's really good. And everyone's chasing them to sign them. She's got great instincts. She's much smarter than I am." — Lenny Kravitz on daughter Zoe, who has a rock band called Elevator Fight. [People]

[New York, June 15. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

• A rep for Chastity Bono—the child of Sonny and Cher—confirms that Bono is in the initial stages of transitioning from female to male.

"Yes, it's true — Chaz, after many years of consideration, has made the courageous decision to honor his true identity. It is Chaz's hope that his choice to transition will open the hearts and minds of the public regarding this issue, just as his 'coming out' did nearly 20 years ago. We ask that the media respect Chaz's privacy during this long process as he will not be doing any interviews at this time." [TMZ]

• But that won't stop TMZ from hypothesizing about what Bono is going through right now. [TMZ]
• Real Housewives of New Jersey's Jacqueline Laurita gave birth to an 8 lbs., 8 oz. baby boy named Nicholas Thursday morning. No word on whether or not he's read Cop Without a Badge yet. [Us]
• An independent autopsy of David Carradine's body, requested by his family, concluded that the actor did not commit suicide. [Breitbart]
• Dr. Michael Baden, the guy from all those HBO autopsy shows, is the one who performed the examination. [TMZ]
• Nicolas Cage felt it was important enough to released an official statement alerting people that he did not hire a Voodoo Priestess to break a hex on the set The Sorcerer's Apprentice. Cage said, "I don't know why tabloids don't call up and ask before they print this gobbly gook." Maybe because you use words that sound like the name of a candy Hogwarts students could purchase in Diagon Alley, thus confirming an interest in dark arts? [NY Mag]
• Miley Cyrus is "devastated" over her breakup with model Justin Gaston, as her Tweets—"Tears are words the heart can't express"—would indicate. [Daily Express]
• But not that devastated. Miley and Nick Jonas are back on, as evidenced by blurry photos of them jet skiing together in Georgia. That's the most fun she'll ever have between her legs as long as she's with that guy. [Perez Hilton]
• Paris Hilton got over her breakup with Doug Reinhardt—real fast—with the help of a hookup with Cristiano Ronaldo. [TMZ]
• Does Rihanna have a new boyfriend? She's been seen hanging out with Canadian rapper Aubrey "Drake" Graham a bunch for the past month. I thought "Aubrey" was a girl group girl's name.[People]
• Before she was fired from her position as Miss California USA, Carrie Prejean was offered a spot on I'm a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! The producers of the show promised her $70,000 if she stayed for one week and $140,000 if she stayed for all three weeks. A pageant exec turned the offer down for her. [TMZ]
• Kyle MacLachlan is considering leaving Desperate Housewives to be a stay-at-home-dad. [Daily Express]
• John Cleese is recovering from eye surgery, and uplifted by well-wishers. [Daily Express]
• Television actor Johnny Palermo—once a regular on the Nickelodeon series Just for Kicks—was killed this week, along with his girlfriend, in a car accident in L.A. He was 27. [UPI]
• Martha Stewart's lynx Himalayan cat Mozart passed away. He was 19. [TMZ]
• My Name Is Earl is finally dead. A statement issued by producers said they "could not make the economics work without seriously undermining the artistic integrity of the series." [NY Mag]
• Yoko Ono was given a lifetime achievement award at the Mojo magazine awards in London, for changing "music as we know it in her own right." [BBC]
• A bunch of Austrian's are already pissed off about Bruno, in which Sacha Baron Cohen plays a gay fashion journalist who wants to be "the most famous Austrian since Hitler," saying it poses a threat to Austria's world image. Their lack of a sense of humor seems a lot more damaging. [Telegraph]
• While watching He's Just Not That Into You at home alone last night, Lily Allen had a Bridget Jones moment when she Tweeted, "I think I may be alone forever. Sad." [The Sun]
• Smug-marrieds Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz were recently photographed for NOH8, a campaign supporting efforts to overturn Proposition 8. [E!]
• A ruling from Malawi's highest court—on whether or not Madonna is allowed to adopt a 3-year-old Malawian girl—is expected Friday. [Yahoo]
• Perhaps because he knows the world wouldn't feel right if he went an entire week without being arrested, Pete Doherty was arrested last night. This time the charges were for drunk driving, driving without a license, and drug possession. [The Sun]
• Defending his seemingly drunk, early-morning live television interview yesterday, Danny DeVito said, "I was only trying to make a TV interview fun." [Radar]
• Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston did not have a secret hotel rendezvous, as reported on the cover of Star. Doye. [Us]
• Woody Allen ducked out of his own party for his latest film Whatever Works after only a few minutes. [Daily Beast]
• Kanye West admits that there is one person in the world who dresses better than he does: Lady Gaga. [NY Mag]
• Ticket sales for Les Miserables in London's West End have gone up 46% since Susan Boyle's star-making performance of "I Dreamed A Dream" during the first round of Britain's Got Talent. [Telegraph]
• A New Jersey woman— Jamie Czerniawski—who was once featured on the show Wife Swap stabbed her husband with a kitchen knife. She says it was in self-defense. Czerniawski is currently out on $75,000 bail. [AP]
• Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore of Sonic Youth are big Gossip Girl fans, and they like that the kids on the show get good grades. [NY Mag]
• Kevin Smith is taking his stand-up/Q&A show to Carnegie Hall. Silent Bob Speaks: An Evening With Kevin Smith is on June 17. [Newsweek]
• "I have to either have a baby or get engaged. I can't just be happy and have a great boyfriend and travel the world. Those things are not fantastic enough for people." - Jennifer Love Hewitt discussing how the tabloids view her relationship with boyfriend Jamie Kennedy. [E!]
• "I think women are afraid to say that they don't want children because they're going to get shunned. But I think that's changing too now. I have more girlfriends who don't have kids than those that do. And honestly? We don't need any more kids. We have plenty of people on this planet." - Cameron Diaz. [ONTD]

• John Mayer wrote a song called "Heartbreak Warfare" so naturally there is speculation that it's about Ms. Jennifer Aniston. But, uh, check out these lyrics:

The song goes: "If you want more love, Why don't you say so? Drop his name, push it in and twist the knife again; Watch my face as I pretend to feel no pain, pain, pain." Damn, maybe she really did say Brad's name in bed? [People]

• Speaking of Brad Pitt, he'll be in Cannes — again! — for Inglorious Basterds. [People]
• While in Malawi, Madonna has been rocking a fanny pack. Because that's what's really important, you know. What she is wearing. Not the orphaned kids. [NY Daily News]
• Chelsea Clinton's rep says the engagement reports are false and she is not getting married this summer. Boo! We were totally imagining Bill walking her up the aisle and then getting tipsy and giving a long teary speech. [Us Magazine]
• Lindsay Lohan wants you to know that she and Samantha Ronson are still together. "[The] rumors aren't true. We aren't broken up," she said, in all seriousness, at a hotel where she was doing promotional work for her new self-tanner Sevin Nyne. [E!]
• This report claims that Lindsay doesn't use her self-tanner, Sevin Nyne, but one called Fake Bake. Scandal! [Gatecrasher]
• Oh goody, Michael Lohan is in a short film, because what the world needs now is for him to have an acting career. [The Star]
• Everyone loves to point out how Photoshopped Britney Spears is in her new Candie's ad, but "cuts the fat" is mean headline. [NY Daily News]
• Is Britney dating her agent? We've heard that one before. [The Sun]
• You know Britney's old friend Sam Lutfi? His sister Christina told the court that Britney is afraid of her own father and called Sam for help. [Mirror]
• Someone threw a car seat at Nadya Suleman's mini van and smashed the rear window. Not cool, people! [E!]
• In her new Moet & Chandon ads — you know she is the face of the champagne, right? — Scarlett Johansson looks like someone, and that someone is not Scarlett Johansson. [Socialite Life]
• Kate Moss kissed Jennifer Lopez at the Topshop party last night. [Daily Mail]
• Do you find it hard to believe that Mariah Carey is 40? Be honest. [Socialite Life]
• Project Runway is not dead! Long live Project Runway! It will now be shown on Lifetime — this summer!!! — and sponsors are Marie Claire and Tresemme. You cannot hold Tim Gunn down. [AdAge, WSJ]
• Jay-Z had to wait 20 minutes for a table at Mario Batali's restaurant but was "really polite, and waited patiently at the bar." [Page Six]
• Victoria Beckham was seen wearing heels again, so all is right with the world. [Daily Mail]
• The fact that Amber Tamblyn wore a fake mustache at a party to throw off the paparazzi may make you love her more. [Page Six]
• Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler have split. Again. He confronted her about having an affair with Gerard Butler while he was in the hospital and it all went downhill from there. Says a source. [Us Magazine]
• Did you know that Nicolas Cage owned a castle in Germany? Well he just sold it, so you'll never get to see him let his hair hang down from the turret window. [People]
• Gossip Girl's Taylor Momsen is in a band, Pretty Reckless, which means she needs costumes, which means she is collaborating with New York designer Jen Kao. That's what you did when you were 15, right? [People]
• Lil Wayne is on the cover of the new Rolling Stone and explains why he now does music with guitar solos: "The rock shit just comes from what my life is now. I've grown into this person." Okay! [Rolling Stone]
• The year is not 1999, and yet the Backstreet Boys are in the studio. [Pop Dirt]
• Whitney Port is on the cover of Cosmo because we have officially run out of celebrities. [Just Jared]
• Tila Tequila wants to date David Lynch. [Jossip]
• "Geldof girls glam up to paint the town red in matching dresses... but it's back to grunge to REALLY party just hours later" [Daily Mail]
• A ski lodge owned by Bruce Willis in Idaho was destroyed in a fire. [Daily Mail]
• Kevin Spacey will star and produce a film he helped write the script for, which seems to be about a billionaire inventor whose creation goes horribly wrong. [The Star]
• RIP The Guiding Light, the longest running daytime drama in the history of television. It's going to that big soap opera mansion in the sky. [MediaWeek]
• TV Guide channel is having an identity crisis: It's ditching the scrolling thing it does, and maybe even the name TV Guide channel. [AdAge]
• Uh-oh, the FBI has been called in over the leak of Wolverine. Somebody's in trouble! [BBC News]
• Blind item: "Which starlet turns a blind eye to her athlete boyfriend's philandering ways? Her dream is to get a diamond ring so she can finally leave the business." [Gatecrasher]
• "I'm sick of all the Hilton stuff, where all anyone cared about was whether I was doing coke in the bathroom or how many [bleeps] I was sleeping with. I'm done with partying and traveling. It's time to get this [bleep] started." — Barron Nicholas Hilton, brother of Paris, who wants to be "an international singer-songwriter." [Page Six]
• "The best cure for a hangover is something one straight man can't do for another straight man." — Ben Affleck, in Esquire. [Page Six]
• "One thing that bugs me is people who say, 'Miley really needs to lose some weight' or 'She got her boobs done.' I did start out really skinny, but you're not going to have boobs when you're 12 years old. I'm like, 'What are you talking about — let me grow.'" — Miley Cyrus. [Daily Mail]

[On the set of "The Sorcerer's Apprentice," Brooklyn, March 26. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

• Lindsay Lohan a liar? In the latest issue of Nylon, LL says she's hoping to work with Seth Rogen but "Seth won't call us back." Rogen says:

"That's not true — I never got a call from anyone that works for her." [The Star]

• More Lindsay Lohan drama: A source says she "is spending like crazy" and is living on credit right now. And most of the cash she spends? It's Samantha's. [Gatecrasher]
• Sad face! Agyness Deyn and Albert Hammond Jr. broke up. [NY Mag]
• Has Madonna dumped Jesus Luz? [Just Jared]
• This report says Jesus recently said: "Madonna has an amazing body, is a sexy, kind person and a great mother. The difference in our ages means nothing. She looks like a 30-year-old and has a youthful personality to go with it. I love her and nothing else matters." Which sounds like they are not broken up. [PopDirt]
• By the by, Madonna's nanny gave notice, then her Madgesty told her to leave, immediately. [Daily Mail]
• This paper claims that Guy Ritchie has a black eye, but the photographic evidence is sketchy. [The Sun]
• Jade Goody, dental assistant turned reality-TV star, died Sunday at the age of 27. [AP, NY Times]
• The Jade Goody farewell will be planned by her family. [Mirror]
• Jade Goody leaves behind £4 million for her sons. [Telegraph]
• Amy Winehouse's label isn't thrilled with her new music; they were expecting her "trademark vintage soul" sound and she is now "heavily influenced by reggae," naturally. [The Sun]
• "Bruce Willis Ties Knot With Underwear Model" means he married a woman who has posed for Victoria's Secret. The ceremony took place at Parrot Bay in the Turks & Caicos. [Breitbart, Yahoo via AP]
• Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher and Rumer, Scout and Tallulah attended the wedding. [Star]
• Yes, Ashton Kutcher Twittered a picture of Demi Moore's ass — taken while she was steaming his suit (maybe for the wedding?) Yes, she knew about it. No, I don't know why people are so interested. Like they have never seen a woman bending over before. [Defamer]
• Michael Jackson wants to adopt a kid. No comment. [Gatecrasher]
• Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart are engaged; he decided to put a ring on it. [NY Post, Daily Mail]
• Katie Holmes "played babysitter" for Cruz and Romeo Beckham, taking them — and Suri — out around L.A. over the weekend. [Daily Mail]
• A wake was held for Natasha Richardson on Saturday in Manhattan. [Star]
• Natasha Richardson's funeral was held late Sunday afternoon in upstate New York. [E!, USA Today]
• Another picture from the forthcoming Where The Wild Things Are flick can be found here. Guess what? The kid who plays Max is named Max. [USA Today]
• Winnie Cooper is married, you guys. Danica McKellar got hitched in La Jolla, CA this weekend. [ET]
• Here's everything you want to know about Annie Leibovitz's money troubles — which may have nothing to do with same-sex marriage after all. [Page Six]
• Whoa: Katy Perry is dating Josh Groban? I kissed a (singer who makes people want to) hurl! [Perez]
• Honestly, it is sort of shocking that Knowing topped the box office, with $6 million more than I Love You, Man, since there were no early reviews and Nicolas Cage did zero publicity and Paul Rudd worked overtime. But Knowing is PG-13 and ILYM is rated R, so maybe families went to see Cage? [Breitbart]
• Like House? Like spoilers? This link pretty much tells you who is going to die. [NY Mag]
• Remember that Jennifer Aniston movie, The Baster? This casting call is looking for a "heavy set woman" and a "woman with a round face, small eyes, and upturned nose" to have profanities shouted at them in a scene. Fun? [TMZ]
• Johnny Depp topped a list of stars people would most like to share a candlelit dinner with. [The Star]
• Prince Harry will have lunch with the soldier he called a racial slur. [Telegraph]
• Are you ready for this image-shattering picture of 18-year-old Emma Roberts in the new GQ — in which she is wearing a tanktop and no bra? [Just Jared]
• Hilary Duff is back on TV: First she landed a guest spot on Ghost Whisperer; now she's gonna be on Law & Order: SVU. [E!]
• Speaking of L&O, Mariska Hargitay is headed back to work after a three-week absence. [People]
• Justin Guarini says American Idol sorta sucks: "Every single year, we cannot stand the group performances. I know they can't stand it either. And I think what makes [the group performances] even worse now is that they're lip-synced. They're really prerecorded now." [E!]
• Metallica went on stage at South By Southwest, telling the audience they were a "young band from Norway." Are they still in therapy? [USA Today]
• Kanye West closed SXSW, saying "It feels so good to rock for you tonight." [AP]
• We heard Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green broke up; then we heard they were back together, now we're hearing that she has moved out and is staying in a hotel. Ah, l'amour. [E!]
• Congrats to Natasha Bedingfield, who got hitched in Malibu on Saturday. [E!]
• After the success of that video which is an internet hit, Ricky Gervais and Elmo are working on a show together! [The Sun]
• Flavor Flav turned 50 over the weekend?!?!?! [Hollywood Rag]
• John Mellencamp blogged about the record business for HuffPo. [Huffington Post]
• Jamie Lee Curtis blogged about the "Recession Diet." [HuffPo]
• M.I.A. will play Coachella on April 18. [NY Times]
• "John Cleese halves payout for ex-wife to £650,000 in first celebrity credit crunch divorce." [Daily Mail]
• Blind item! "Which closeted TV icon enjoys "watersports" in his bedroom? His steady stream of gentleman callers are a little grossed out by it." [Gatecrasher]
• "I love writing for Dwight because he has one of the richest back stories of any of the characters. He is a farmer who is part Amish, who has war criminal relatives and who was involved in a secret love triangle — and has a nine-bedroom, possibly haunted hotel-farm. He has such a colorful past, and Rainn [Wilson] is such a gifted actor that it's like a great treasure map writing for his character… I think the Kelly character is fun to play because she's not a role model for anybody. Although I do sometimes believe my parents wish I played a cardiologist at Johns Hopkins." — Mindy Kaling, of The Office. [Washington Post]
• "To say that they like this movie would be like the crazy understatement of the world, 'cause they are crazy about it. They carry the characters around; they play in the morning with their action figures, so this is a really great experience to make a film for my kids that they love. There's not that many movies that have female superheroes in them so this was a great opportunity to not only be telling a great story of female empowerment but also create this awesome character." — Reese Witherspoon, on Monsters Vs. Aliens. [The Sun]
• "I'd probably have head-butted her new boyfriend, put her over my shoulder and run off." — Pete Doherty, on what he'd have done if he'd seen Kate Moss at his record label. [The Sun]
• "A few people have gone overboard. We have people come in to spray them. But there's a little Oompa-Loompa going on this season. It's not for me. I'm holding to the middle-age pasty-white-guy look." — Tom Bergeron, on the orange-ness on the contestants on Dancing With The Stars. [E!]
• "I love doing photo shoots. I mean, if I could just sign with IMG and do ad campaigns and model more, I'd do that… because that's fun for me. That's not work." — Lindsay Lohan, to Nylon. [Page Six]
• "A size zero? I've never heard of that. That didn't exist when I was growing up. When did that start? What does it mean?" — Heidi Klum. [Socialite Life]

• Grey's Anatomy star T.R. Knight was in a three-car crash yesterday. He was not injured, but two other people were taken to the hospital by ambulance. [LA Times]

• The President Of The United States, Barack Obama, was on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno last night. He brought lulz (More later). [NY Daily News]
• Barack Obama made a joke about the Special Olympics and for that he is sorry. [NY Daily News]
• Here's a picture of Chris Brown getting off of a private jet and riding a bike around on the tarmac like he's having the time of his life. Raise your hand if it makes you feel stabby. [TMZ]
• Jennifer Aniston is narrating a children's book. Cue the ZOMG SHE WANTS BABIEZ headlines. [Gatecrasher]
• Are Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel on a fast train to Splitsville? [Perez, Chicago Sun-Times]
• When Beyoncé stopped at Patricia Field the other day, she spent $11,000 in 20 minutes. How come didn't get us anything? [Page Six]
• It's a big weekend at the box office, with lots of stars: Nicolas Cage, Paul Rudd, Jason Segel, Clive Owen and Julia Roberts. Plus, Amy Adams's Sunshine Cleaning will move into additional theaters. What to see? [Reuters]
• "Five Reasons Julia Roberts Is Too Old (or Not)." Wait, what? [E!]
• This article asks "Is John Hamburg (the writer/director of I Love You Man) The New Judd Apatow?" [LA Times]
• Actual headline: "Miley Cyrus Shakes Her Ass For Paps." And it's not on Perez! [E!]
• For some reason there is a feud between Chris Jericho and Mickey Rourke. Jericho says when Rourke comes to Wrestlemania, he will "get out of the ring, walk over to Mickey, and slap him in the face." Lame. [Gatecrasher]
• Someone is pregnant on The Office. [E!]
• Speaking of The Office, did you dig Idris Elba? He has a Twitter. [EW]
• A Sheryl Crow/Stevie Nicks tour? Maybe! [Gatecrasher]
• There's a new Facebook group called UCLA Students Against James Franco as Commencement Speaker. It's jut mean! [E!]
• Dane Cook's half-brother and former business manager was indicted Thursday on eight counts of larceny; he'd been funneling millions from Cook's business accounts. No joke there. [E!]
• Real Housewives Of Orange County star Gretchen Rossi was spotted making out with Slade Smiley. [TMZ]
• Nick Lachey pitched a reality show to MTV and they liked it! Taking The Stage is about kids at a performing arts school (his alma mater in Cincinnati). Kinda like Fame, if you're old enough to remember hot lunch. [LA Times]
• Debra Messing is named in a lawsuit involving a traffic accident in which her car struck a police officer, even though Messing wasn't driving the car. [TMZ]
• The cast of the new Star Trek flick is heading to Australia; the movie will make its world premiere at the Sydney Opera House on April 7. No word if that guy with the Kirk chair will get to go. [Yahoo News via Reuters]
• Not only is Vanessa Williams awesome on Ugly Betty, she is working on a new album. "I had been wanting to do a Latin-flavored album since I played a ballroom dancer in the (salsa) movie Dance With Me," Williams says. [USA Today]
• Ooh, Elle Macpherson on TV! The CW show is called Beautiful Life, and she'll okay the owner of a modeling agency, naturally. [Reuters]
• Hmm, Mary J. Blige is joining the cast if the next Tyler Perry movie. Love her; not sure about him. [Reuters]
• Gossip Girl fans: Check out this new clip that's popped up: Chuck vs. Dorota! [People]
• Whitney Port and actor Robert Buckley were seen making out all over Miami. Hopefully someday soon we can stop thinking about these semi-famous [E!]
• There is a new romcom in the works called Merman. Yes, it is about a man who is half fish. He "comes to land so he can win back his mermaid fiance, who has left him for a real man." I'm not lying when I say it's produced by the dude who brought you Splash. [EW, Variety]
• Tara Reid has a job! She's been cast in an untitled horror film, in which she will play a mother whose family is terrorized by an unsees presence. [Variety]
• Former Soul Train host Don Cornelius has been sentenced to three years probation after pleading no contest to misdemeanor spousal battery. [Reuters]
• Blind item! "Which engaged young couple shocked an entire film crew when they were caught having sex on set?" [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item: "Which hip-hop fashion team is taking more credit than it deserves? While most designers acknowledge their assistants do much of the work, this up-and-coming pair accept kudos but never mention the staff in the back who actually make it happen." [Page Six]
• "I remember a performance of The Fantasticks where a mom brought a teenage son with Tourette's syndrome to the show. It was explained to me that because he liked me a lot, it became especially difficult for him to control his outbursts when I came on stage. Every time I said or sang anything, he would snort, howl or bellow some expletive about bodily functions or female anatomy, [and drop] F-bombs." — Kristin Chenoweth, in her memoir, A Little Bit Wicked. [Page Six]
• "I like all the Wii games. Love Guitar Hero. Growing up, I liked Tetris. I even like BrickBreaker on the BlackBerry. [My first console was] a Nintendo. I would play Super Mario Bros. We weren't supposed to play it after nine o'clock, and I would sneak and play all night. I loved it." — Beyoncé. [Mirror]
• "I had my tonsils taken out [at age 13], and they gave me liquid Vicodin. I found, when I take this, people like me. I'm having fun, I'm not getting picked on. It became a confidence thing." — Kelly Osbourne, who says she is finally completely clean after a month in rehab. [People]
• "I am shirtless and I have back hair in Observe And Report, and it's glorious. They did have me shave my back for Knocked Up. Judd Apatow said, 'People are not ready for a hairy back in a sex scene. We're just not there yet as a society.'" — Seth Rogen. [Page Six]