Everyone is famous; all it takes is one viral video or dumb reality show or talent contest to project an unknown into the weird realm of celebrity, where every move they make is documented and fawned over (or ripped apart) until the public tires of them and moves on to something else. In a way, this has always been the case for celebrity, in terms of having unknowns suddenly become the "next big thing," but the instant access to millions via the internet has enabled everyone to take a shot at becoming a star, regardless of their location, age, or talent level, and the "next big thing" has seen his or her 15 minutes shrink down to approximately 2.8 seconds. Unless, of course, you're Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, who will never disappear, because the universe just likes to fuck with us sometimes.

In a world where everyone is a star, it's not surprising that children are looking at fame not as a one-in-a-million shot, but as a right and an inevitability. Kids are always dreaming of the far-fetched, but as Denise Martin of the Los Angeles Times points out, selling the concept of celebrity to kids has become a full-blown business, with children's television shows increasingly focusing on the life of tween celebrities. Martin notes that selling celebrity fantasies to kids is nothing new, "but the genre is stronger than ever now and more fixated on the perks of the glamorous Hollywood lifestyle as Nickelodeon and the Disney Channel compete for the youngest audiences."

Martin interviews several producers, directors, and execs involved in the celebrity kid show genre, and all of them seem to have a "well, it's what the kids want" kind of attitude that completely dismisses the notion that perhaps kids want to watch shows about insta-celebs and famous tweens because it's been shoved down their throat since birth. "If there is anything I've learned about kids today — and I'm not saying this is good or bad — it's that they all want to be stars," iCarly' Dan Schneider tells Martin, "I'm not saying it wouldn't be nice if more of them wanted to be teachers and social workers; it would be. But at least in 'Victorious,' you see a world where they're all working on the talent part."

I don't think anybody expects Nickelodeon or the Disney Channel to put out a television show about a young girl who dreams of being a social worker, but the main issue I have with the celebrity kid genre is that it's so, so boring. It's SO boring! Granted, I'm 28 years old and not the target demographic, but it seems like every show is centered around a singer, or a fashion designer, or an actress who has to deal with the pressures of fame. Where are the Pete & Petes of this generation? The Clarissas? The Hey, Dudes? The shows that are capable of capturing kids' attention and pushing positive themes without drowning the messages in sparkles and plot lines about going on tour or what a drag it is to be famous? Where are the shows about real kids in real situations? Will somebody please think of the children?!

"Every kid thinks they're five minutes away and one lucky circumstance from being famous," Nickelodeon's Marjorie Cohn tells Martin, "We've always responded to what's out there in the cultural zeitgeist and spin it Nickelodeon style." It's too bad that nobody is bothering to take the reins and perhaps change the way kids look at life. It's not that I think kids are idiots and can't just enjoy fantasy programs for what they are, but when the adults of society are also buying in to the insta-celebrity crap, it may be harder for kids to separate reality from fiction. Being famous isn't everything, no matter what the television tells you. If only Clarissa were still around to explain it all.

Child's Play [LATimes]

• They said it would never happen, but a judge ordered that Google reveal Liskula Cohen's anonymous online tormentor. The model sued Google to find out who was behind a hate-blog about her, in order to file a defamation suit. [NYPost]

• Marc Jacobs does not "enjoy", "look forward to," or anticipate seeing any shows besides his own at New York Fashion Week. "Enjoy?" said the designer, at a party in the Hamptons, "Enjoy is a weird word. It's work — work is more what it's about." So it's not fun? "No." In addition to his two collections to show, Jacobs has a wedding pull together just now — his nuptuals with partner Lorenzo Martone will take place privately in Provincetown, Massachussetts, "soon." [The Cut]
• Hopefully Jacobs was put in slightly better humor by a visit from Miss Piggy. She needed a dress for a red carpet affair in Chicago, and the designer was happy to oblige, so the porcine starlet popped in for a fitting. [WWD]
• Keira Knightley and a strategically arranged suspender star in the newest ad for Chanel's Coco Mademoiselle perfume. [Egotastic]
• Sass & Bide, the Australian denim label which generally shows internationally in New York, has announced it is joining the thundering horde heading to London Fashion Week this season. A raft of British designers have made special arrangements to return to London to show in this, London Fashion Week's 25th anniversary year, and even Anna Wintour — who normally drops the city from her fashion calendar — will be showing up. [Telegraph]
• The cast of the next season of Dancing With The Stars has been announced, and Vera Wang's name is not there. Kelly Osbourne, Melissa Joan Hart, and an Ultimate Fighting Champion might not make the best company, anyway, and Wang has a company to run, so we're not that surprised. [Us]
• Elettra Weidemann, Isabella Rossellini's daughter, scored another fall campaign, for G Star. Anton Corbijn, who directed the Joy Division movie Control, and has photographed U2 for years, was the photographer. [Fashionista]
• Eugenia Kim's diffusion line for Urban Outfitters, branded Eek!, includes a nice looking cloche, and some potentially interesting headbands and fascinators. For $28-$48, as opposed to Kim's main line's $200-$300 pricepoint, this line looks like a winner. [FabSugar]
• Speaking of Urban Outfitters, is there any other chain you would expect to take up the noble cause of saving Polaroid from obsolescence? [Elle UK]
• Hermès is reissuing one of its classic scarf designs to benefit the International Federation of Human Rights. The blue-green scarf will be sold on fidh.org for 215 Euros, starting early next month. [WWD]
• Fashion blind item! "WHICH rising American model has stopped getting snapped backstage by photographers? She's dated so many of them (and their important friends) that now they refuse to give her any exposure!" [Fashionista]
• Wal-Mart is expanding its reach into the tween market. In addition to having Taylor Swift design dresses for L.E.I., and selling Miley Cyrus's line with Max Azria, the world's largest retailer has inked a deal with Nickelodeon to partner with the young stars of a show called True Jackson. [WWD]
• Presumably in order to give Toby Keith a run for his money, Kenny Chesney is launching a fashion line. [People]
• Zara is expanding its outlet chain, Leftie's, into France, after successfully opening the super-budget stores in Portugal and Mexico. This is clearly something we need stateside, stat. [WWD]
• Saks' net loss in the second quarter widened to $54.5 million, an increase from the $32.7 million loss the company experienced during the same period last year. However, Saks actually beat analysts' expectations. [WWD]

This year's winners were as predictable as the ending of a Reese Witherspoon film, with the children lavishing praise on Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, and Twilight. And though this spectacle was fairly boring, if you were over the age of 14, it does bring up a bit of historical hilarity.

I was 7 years old when the first Kids Choice Awards aired; Nickelodeon, at that time, was a network filled with kooky Canadian programming such as You Can't Do That On Television, Fifteen, and Today's Special. There were no fake, sugar sweet rock stars on Nick; those acts were relegated, as they are now, for the most part, to the Disney Channel, home of MMC and Kids Incorporated. Nickelodeon was a network designed for kids, but what set it apart was that the network never pandered to children; they were treated as equals and important viewers, which led to awards shows such as this- to give the kids a voice.

Children's live-action programming has since moved away, for the most part, from the wacky, Pete & Pete-esque shows of the past (though interestingly enough, the kids who grew up with Pete & Pete are now writing, starring in, and watching shows like The Office and Arrested Development) and toward this slickly-packaged, over-styled, super hyper musical view of childhood, where everyone is a movie star, rock star, or has secret celebrity identity. So it's not surprising that the kids chose Miley Cyrus and the like last night; that's all they've been given as of late.

The 1988 Kids Choice Awards paint a very different picture: the Favorite Movie Award was given to Beverly Hills Cop 2, a rated R movie that kids shouldn't have seen in the first place. Nickelodeon honored the votes, and the kids voices were heard. And while this suggests that the kids either had more of a say in their selection, if you look at the 1989 Kids Choice Awards winners, it's pretty clear that when it comes to award shows, the pop-star, ridiculous factor has always been firmly in place: the performers that night were Corey Feldman and New Kids On The Block, and the Favorite TV Star award was given to ALF.

So perhaps it's easy to frown at the kids and their programming, but coming from a generation that nominated Police Academy 5: Assignment in Miami Beach back in '89, I'd guess that the kids are going to be alright, and probably less embarrassed about their voting pasts then we are. After all, we're the kids who made this the 1989 song of the year:

Complete List of Kids Choice Awards Winners [USWeekly]
1989 Kids Choice Awards Winners [Wikipedia]

The Good: Yay for Abigail Breslin: She looks age appropriate and looks like she dressed herself. In other words, nothing really matches, but I'm totally down with it. Cameron Diaz might be sporting a silly Samantha Jones haircut, but her dress is, like, cute. Aw, Jordin Sparks turned Chloe orange into Nickelodeon orange!

The Bad: Oh Amy Poehler, the contrived irony is killing me. Ashlee Simpson wins herself a "bad" award for appearing totally unrecognizable. (And wearing Chanel accessories.) I'm convinced that Hayden Panettiere owns 12 of the exact same dress in different colors. Sadly, none of them are tailored quite right. Go ahead and hate on me: I just prefer Jodie Foster looking a little more polished. And not in a bootcut jean.

The Ugly: Miley Cyrus? Or one of the Real Housewives? Rihanna had her fucking legs insured: Why must she hide them in such unflattering pants?!

[Images via AP.]

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Earlier: Stevie Wonder Funks Up Sesame Street, Kids Freak