• Frances Bean Cobain has written an open letter to Ali Lohan. Would you like to know what it says? Here goes — and consider it to be [sic]-filled:

"This is my open letter to Ali Lohan.
Your not entitled to anything simply because your sister has a recognizable name. Your idea of fame isn't fame. It's infamy. You want to be famous? Work your ass off and make decisions that could potentially catapult your career into a lasting one. Notariety for who you are and notaritey for the work you produce are two completely differnt things. I understand that you have been brought up in an envirtoment where the idea of fame is easily achievable but, that's not an excuse. You lack the talent, social understanding and credibility to be anything other then infamous. Your careere choices, thus far, will transcend a future career as someone who attempted to be famous, but never quite achieved it. And if you do, it will be the formality of fame that puts you on the covers of tabloids, while the public idly watches you plumit into the murky abyss shared with the likes of Spencer Pratt & Jon Gosslin who, i'm sure, will steal your money whilst there. Fortunately for the world, there are people who have and don't have recognizable names, who have obtained artistic integrity and will one day, hopefully, bring that tangible artisticness into light again. Though, its hard to think thats achievable when people like You ali lohan are rendering the world of true talent by attempting to make your entitled ass noticed. How is this fair to the people who HAVE artistic integrity, or a mind? How is it fair to those who truly have something to offer the human race other then a dwindling last name and a few shitty films, both of which, solidified the idea that your just a celebrities sibling. I recognize that i might come across as harsh and no, i don't personally know you, but its the actions that you take, that speak for you. You blatently don't care how your recognized, its the objective to get famous and that is what makes you replaceable and a recycled idea .Well, im ashamed to have to be grouped into the same category of person as you. I would rather die a most painful death the be assoicated with the kind of careere your trying to make for your self. I hope i'm wrong because generally i'm not a very judgmental person, but in the case of you, that is MY entitlement." Phew! …And scene. [ONTD]

• Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston had a "secret meeting" in New York, yet somehow the Daily Fail knows that the rendez-vous took place in a hotel and that Brad "unloaded his emotional baggage" on Jen. [Daily Mail]
• I wish I'd seen the Madonna and Lady Gaga dance off on Saturday night after SNL; sources say Madonna seemed to be the winner. [Page Six]
• "Madonna and her toy boy Jesus Luz had a bust-up following the pop queen's admission she'd rather get hit by a train than get hitched again." He supposedly feels like a fool and is heartbroken. [The Sun]
• OMG Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart went out for dinner (with friends)! They ate and enjoyed themselves! They were acting like a couple! All together, now: TWILIGHTISREALSPARKLEVAMP4EVA. [People]
• After being in a car accident on Monday, Nicole Richie's been checked out at the hospital, visited by her mother at home, and hired a lawyer. Hope everything is okay. [People]
• Jon Gosselin on that missing $230,000 from the Gosselin's joint account: "I never took any money." [TMZ]
• Lamar Odom has met with his lawyer regarding a prenup in his wedding to Khloe Kardashian, and word is, he will not be giving her half his earnings. [TMZ]
• Spoilers! You know this pic of Kim Cattrall in a wedding dress for Sex And The City 2: Electric Boogaloo? It's supposedly a fake-out; the ones getting married are Stanford and Anthony. More spoilery details at the link. [JustJared]
• SHOCKER: Mariah Carey has been acting like a diva on her new tour. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Click for a pic of Kate Hudson in a wedding dress, modeling for a Bazaar photo shoot. [NY Post]
• Organizers "worked overtime" to keep feuding singers Lily Allen and Katy Perry away from each other at the Chanel show in Paris. [The Sun]
• Kevin Federline's former landlords want $110,661 in unpaid rent and damages — which include spit marks on the exterior paint, gutters full of cigarette butts and beer bottles, broken tiles, a broken dishwasher and dismantled smoke detectors. Popo wow. [TMZ]
• Tyra Banks doesn't drink anymore, and a "source" says, "I guess that's how she ended up dropping 30 pounds." Anonymous weight loss speculation FTW! [Page Six]
• Shannen Doherty is working on a reality show that will highlight her "lighter and funnier" side. [E!]
• Queen Latifah is concerned about the hip-hop scene: "Never in my career do I remember rap being so male-dominated. In videos, women are basically shown as the girl you shake the booty with. They're objectified. There are females out there who can rap, who listen to rap. Missy and Lil' Kim and the young up-and-coming ones need an opportunity to be heard. I think we're all masculine and feminine, and a society can't be right if you don't honor the feminine voice." [USA Today]
• Usher's divorce: Delayed. [NY Daily News]
• "The FBI investigated whether Anna Nicole Smith was part of a plot to kill her tycoon husband's son, whom she was battling for his late dad's fortune, but prosecutors ultimately decided there wasn't enough evidence to charge the Playboy Playmate who died in 2007 from a drug overdose, newly released files show." [AP, LA Times]
• A man who bid in the canceled Michael Jackson auction is pissed he didn't get the stuff he was willing to pay for. He's suing for $5,000,000. [TMZ]
• Honestly, I do not even get why story about Jude Law, Hamlet and someone being upstaged by a skull is "news." It sounds like much ado without nothing. [Telegraph]
• The number of viewers of The Jay Leno Show: In decline. [USA Today]
• Nick Lachey avoided Jessica Simpson while in Vegas and refused to be photographed with on and off girlfriend Vanessa Minnillo. [Page Six]
• No one wants to be on Tinsley Mortimer's reality show. [Page Six]
• "Mel's anti-Jew-spew DWI wiped off books." [NY Post]
• Is Cougar Town a virus? It's spreading. The show will air in territories across Europe, Africa and the Middle East. This is what we export, people. Cougars. Can I go back to bed now? [Variety]
• If you shop at the right consignment stores, you could find clothes worn by Padma Lakshmi, who's given up her pre-pregnancy ensembles for charity. [Page Six]
• Something happened to Tony Roberts during the Sunday matinee of the Broadway play The Royal Family. His daughter reports the actor had a minor seizure and is now "feeling great." [USA Today]
• At the link, you'll find Chris Daughtry's tips for a happy marriage. If you're interested. [People]
• Elvis Presley's grandson Ben Presley, 17, just inked a $5 million record deal but says: "The music will be nothing like Elvis, nothing like him at all." Good luck with that! [NY Post]
• Little Britain star Matt Lucas had tried to get his former husband Kevin McGee off coke, and even paid for rehab; McGee committed suicide earlier this week. [The Sun]
• "I wanted somebody who had a huge presence-charismatic, able to dominate a room [yet] who was very sensitive, whose emotions were right under the surface." — Spike Jonze, on casting James Gandolfini's voice in Where The Wild Things Are. [The Daily Beast]
• "I think the way kids create is so inspiring. They're drawing a picture? They love the picture they drew; they're not tortured about it. But I think that that's only one side of me. Right now, it's a good story because it makes a tie-in with the movie." — Spike Jonze, on getting labeled an overgrown child. [Daily Beast]
• "I have kissed a lot of rock stars in my time but seriously never so many as the last 24 hours." — Courtney Love. [Page Six]
• "Hanging around with Chris, he always has a video camera, and he's like, 'I'm gonna ask you some questions about hair.' I talked a lot, but that turned out to be, uh, funny, I guess… I had a perm and when guys have it straightened, they put the rollers in their head, you know, so you get that Super Fly look." — Ice-T, who is in Chris Rock's Good Hair and, yes, used to wear rollers. [NY Mag]
• "I'd never been averse to any kind of medication, but you get brainwashed. I started reading all these books and doing pregnancy yoga. By the end, you feel you have to go natural in order to be a real woman. I got myself a doula [birthing assistant] and a water tank and struggled on for 24 hours, and then I had an epidural. I can remember saying to the anaesthetist, 'Oh, I love you, thank you so much.' I don't know what I was thinking." — Emily Mortimer, who is expecting her second child in January. [Telegraph]
• "It was important for me to write that, to get it off my chest. And to discuss it with a therapist, and tell my parents — which I did, eventually, though it took me about 20 years. And hopefully it will be helpful to someone out there who has gone through a similar situation. [The incident] left me not knowing how to deal with certain things. Boys can put pressure on you, and I didn't do so well with saying no. I had a lot to figure out, and I did eventually, but it was tough. We have to do a better job of looking out for our young girls, because there are predators out there." — Queen Latifah, regarding a song on her new album, Persona, about when she was molested as a 5-year-old by a male babysitter. [USA Today]
• "I get offered movies on a regular basis, but most of them are terrible because most of the movies that are made are terrible. I don't think anybody saw Adventureland, but they marketed it as a big comedy, so I get sent these really shitty scripts that I think people assume that was like. So many scripts where people are having sex with each other. Every script starts off with sex… [With Zombieland…they were nervous to hire me because I'm not famous. There were other more famous people who were auditioning for it. I think the main reason I got into it was because Sony really likes Greg Mottola, who directed Adventureland, so he vouched for me, because he directed their biggest movie in the last several years, Superbad. — Jesse Eisenberg. [BlackBook]
• "Guns seem dumb. I felt bad holding guns because I don't know what influence it has on people watching movies. You can make the argument that it lets people take out their aggression so they don't do it in real life. You can also make the argument that it makes guns look fun and people are going take them out and play with them." — Jesse Eisenberg. [BlackBook]
• "I normally get recognized as either a guy from Spring Awakening, or there's this other guy that screams at me all the time, Hey Napoleon Dynamite! I don't go to nightclubs, I don't go to nice restaurants. There's no perk that can be had aside from getting a slice of pizza at interviews. But you could. People really could exploit it. I haven't been single for 7 years, but I know people who are maybe my level of attractiveness or less and they can have sex quite often… That's great, because then they'll tell me about it." — Jesse Eisenberg. [BlackBook]

• Chris Brown, currently on his National Bow Tie Apology Tour, says he's ready to meet with a counselor: "I want to understand my feelings. I want to find out what really transpired as far as me that night."[People]

• "Sometimes when you're young you don't know how to express [your emotions]," Brown says, "so I think it actually would be helpful to talk to a counselor or to somebody who has an expertise in what those [feelings] are." [People]
• Kim Kardashian is busy planning her sister, Kourtney's baby shower: "
  "The baby is coming," Kim says, "All this stuff is going to take so much time, and it's going to be exciting at the same time." The sisters will no doubt spend most of the party discussing the baby, who will most likely be named Klara or Korin or Kashlee or some such. [People]
• Lori Petty has pled no contest to DUI in connection with a drunken driving arrest from last May and currently has completed 30 days of her court-ordered 60 day outpatient alcohol-treatment program. [TMZ]
• "Scientology is something that's been in my life for 18 years. It's so greatly helped me. Helps me keep the stress down, the happiness up and gives me tools for living a better life. I kind of ignore all the craziness in the press."- Jenna Elfman [LATimes]
• In awesome news: Tim Gunn is set to star in his own Marvel comic book storyline titled "Loaded Gunn," wherein he will fight "crimes against fashion." The comic is part of Marvel's reintroduction of the 60's series "Models, Inc." Maybe he'll use his superpowers to find out whatever happened to Andrae? [AP]
• "We don't target the kind of people who wear money, you know, those that would kill to have the latest designer handbag. We are more for the disenfranchised. We have a punk attitude, I guess."- Boy George on his new clothing line, B-Rude. [People]
• Anna Paquin enjoys working with her boyfriend, Stephen Moyer: "It's great to have the freedom to enjoy your work and not feel like you're leaving your other life behind. It's a pretty sweet setup." [People]
• Susan Boyle's dream appears to be coming true: her album, which doesn't even hit stores until November, is currently #1 on Amazon's best-seller list. [E!]
• Rev. Al Sharpton apparently forgot about the "private" aspect of Michael Jackson's private memorial service and Tweeted his way through the entire ceremony. [E!]
• "We would like to thank all of Michael's loving fans for their tremendous support, and ask that in Michael's memory give of yourself to the charities he believed in, and keep the magic going!"-LaToya Jackson [People]
• Just in case you care: Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo are totally "hanging out" again. [People]
• "Wonderful. One of the absolute best I've worked with. For me, it's her and Jodie Foster. You just don't get any better than that."-Anthony Hopkins on his The Wolf Man co-star, Emily Blunt. [DailyExpress]
• The Edge was quite embarrassed when he realized that a song he'd written sounded a little too close to the a White Stripes tune: "I went back and listened, and it wasn't exactly (Seven Nation Army), but it was way too close," he says, "I played it for Jack [White], and he was like, 'Mmm, it's a bit close, isn't it?'" [DailyExpress]
• Jack Tweed the widower of British reality star Jade Goody, has been arrested on charges that he raped a 19-year-old woman. [DailyMail]
• Apparently, the new female Saturday Night Live hires were replacements, not additions, as Casey Wilson and Michaela Watkins won't be returning to the show this season. [TheComicsComic]
• Screen legend Gary Cooper will be honored with his own postage stamp. [UPI]
• Mark Wahlberg and wife Rhea Durham who already have three children together, are expecting their fourth. [USWeekly]
• "I, in no way, support the destruction of Israel. I am for the two-state solution. I have been to Israel many times and love the country and its people."-Jane Fonda, in response to accusations by Rabbi Marvin Hier that her signature on a letter stating that Tel Aviv was built on destroyed Palestinian villages is a sign that she supports "the complete destruction of Israel." [TMZ]
• The paparazzi is making life tough for Robert Pattinson: "It's a nightmare," says a source, "He almost never leaves the hotel except to go to the set. And when he does, the crew has to go great lengths to find ways to transport him from one location to another undetected. Because of the paparazzi, Rob has been unable to interact with his many fans." Sleep with one eye open, paparazzi. The Twihards do not take kindly to being blocked from their sparkly vampire dreamboats. [ShowbizSpy]
• "The film should be on airlines in two months and off everyone's resume within three. No animals including the horse were injured making the film, so "Steve" counts as no great crime. Bit it does leave one question: Why did anybody think an attractive female star should wear red boots in every scene of a movie?"-Kirk Honeycutt on the Sandra Bullock.Bradley Cooper film, All About Steve. [Reuters]

• Jude Law got someone pregnant, but not Rachel McAdams' sister Kayleen — her rep (she's a makeup artist) says "She has never even met him." [Star]
• So. The mother of Jude Law's unborn spawn is:

Samantha Burke. She's an actress/model. Naturally. [TMZ]

• A source says that Samantha Burke wants Jude's cash! She expects "a large maintenance payment and financial costs, including a percentage of Jude's future earnings, agreed in writing." [The Sun]
• According to this report, Samantha Burke is from a wealthy family. Also, she looks good in a retro swimsuit. [Daily Mail]
• "Even Seth Rogen Now Hating on Katherine Heigl." He's talking shit about how she talks shit. And dissed The Ugly Truth: "That [movie] looks like it really puts women on a pedestal in a beautiful way." Plus: "I gotta say, it's not like we're the only people she said some batshit crazy things about. That's kind of her bag now." [NY Mag, LA Times]
• Carrie Prejean is planning to sue the Miss California USA organization for slander, libel, public disclosure of private facts, religious discrimination, intentional infliction of emotional distress and negligent infliction of emotional distress. This should be a big old mess. [Perez]
• Need beach reading? Three celebs have "written" new memoirs: Slumdog Millionaire's Rubina Ali; former Playmate Kendra Wilkinson and Good Charlotte's Joel Madden. [NY Daily News]
• Haterade Headline of the Day: "Tony Romo and Nick Lachey rebound with Jessica Simpson look-a-likes while she's left smooching a dog." [NY Daily News]
• Police chiefs suspected of "snooping" at Sarah Jessica Parker's surrogate's home have been arrested. [NY Post]
• Emma Watson is related to a 16th century witch! Her distant relative Joan Playle was excommunicated from the Church of England for witchcraft in 1592. [E!]
• Eminem's new track, "Warning," is an answer to Mariah Carey's song, "Obsessed." He raps: "You probably think since it's been so long if I had something on you I woulda did it by now, on the contrary, Mary Poppins, I'm mixing our studio session down and sending it to mastering to make it loud, enough dirt on you to murder you, this is what the fuck I do... Mariah, it ever occur to you that I still have pictures?" [Yahoo News via E!]
• Amy Winehouse's wedding album: Found in trash. Seems Blaaaaake threw his copy away. [The Sun]
• Nora Ephron says she hopes Julie & Julia will remind everyone that before EVOO, there was BUTTER, which has now been demonized. "I just do not get that at all," Ephron says, since Julia Child and her husband lived into their 90s. "And they drank like fish," she says. "I don't believe that anything has to do with what you eat, if you don't overeat. All these people who think they can cut down on their cholesterol by eating those awful egg-white omelets. There's something I really hate. It is simply not going to make any difference if you have a couple egg yolks in your omelet." [USA Today]
• Will Katie Holmes be in the Sex And The City 2: Electric Boogaloo? A source says: "The character they want her to play is a really ballsy, high-powered company executive who tangles with Samantha." Sometimes you sort of forget she's an actress, for Xenu's sake. [The Sun]
• Jeepin' jeewillickers! Even though Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar named each of their 18 children a name beginning with the letter J, their first grandchild (from son Josh) will be named Mackenzie. Whether Josh and his wife will have 18 kids with M names remains to be seen. [Star]
• So much sadness: This report claims that Michael Jackson may have had collapsed veins and needle marks all over his body — plus — he may have been dead as early as 8:30 a.m. — four hours before paramedics were called. [ET]
• Warrants filed yesterday allege that Michael Jackson was an addict. It's a violation if Dr. Conrad Murray was "prescribing to an addict." [Yahoo News via AP]
• The Michael Jackson autopsy report: Delayed. [TMZ]
• How will TLC balance Jon & Kate's popularity with the family's right for privacy? Network exec Eileen O'Neill says: "It's a sensitive situation and we navigate that as we go along… It's the family's decision to be involved in the show… We want to stay with them as long as they want to stay with us." [Variety]
• What you'll see when Jon & Kate Plus 8 returns: "Jon and Kate have never said they were perfect," Eileen O'Neill says. "You're still going to see two parents that love their kids, but you'll see them parenting separately." [People]
• This columnist asserts that the return of Jon & Kate will help Kate's image. [MSNBC Scoop]
• And, because no one is sick of these people: Jon Gosselin (and Michael Lohan??) brainstormed a new show: Divorced Dads Club. [Page Six]
• Leonardo DiCaprio's ex, Bar Refaeli, has a new man: multi-millionaire Teddy Sagi, who is among Israel's top 30 richest men. [NY Daily News]
• BREAKING: Katy Perry and Rihanna have become inseparable. [Page Six]
• Mario Lopez says the Saved By The Bell reunion was a long time coming: "Everybody knew the 20-year anniversary was coming up. This People story has been in the works for over a year, long before [late night host] Jimmy Fallon started talking about it. We were all excited about it." But what's next? "Everybody is fired up. People keep coming up to me saying 'When are you guys going to do a show?'" [People]
• Mark Paul Gosselaar says of Dustin "Screech" Diamond: That's a disaster on so many levels… I don't know where his head is. I know probably as much as you know from watching things on TV." Plus, Gosselaar says that when he played Zack on Fallon last month, there was a reason he looked young: "I read a blog [where] some guy said, 'Dude, lay off the Botox.' I've never had Botox before. The wig was so fucking tight, it gave me a mini face-lift." [Newsweek]
• Penelope Cruz looked amazing at the premiere of Broken Embraces, but the airline had lost her luggage. [People]
• Penny Cruz: "I love London... but I have difficulties with the rainy weather." [Telegraph]
• Lost spoilers! CHARLIE. [E!]
• Details of the sort-of Seinfeld reunion on Curb Your Enthusiasm, at the link. [LA Times]
• Lawyers are getting involved in that Twilight recasting drama involving Rachelle Lefevre. [E!]
• Viva la revolucion? Benicio del Toro, Bill Murray, Robert Duvall and James Caan were in Cuba yesterday. [Reuters]
• Paul Giamatti calls some scenes from his new film, Cold Souls, "sort of awkward and painful." [WSJ]
• Billy Crudup will join the cast of Eat, Pray, Love the movie, which also stars Julia Roberts, Javier Bardem and Richard Jenkins. [Variety]
• "Bandslam's account of a teenager's awkward attempts to settle into a new school remind former Friends star Lisa Kudrow of her own adolescence." [Telegraph]
• "Singer Peter Andre has accepted "substantial" damages over a newspaper claim he was unfaithful to his estranged wife, model Katie Price." [BBC News]
• "I really felt this film, which had a love affair with boeuf bourguignon, should come out in winter." — Meryl Streep on Julie & Julia. [USA Today]
• "I heard what he had to say and I knew at this moment my life would never be the same. Life no longer seemed like a series of Random events. I also began to see that being Rich and Famous wasn't going to bring me lasting fulfillment and that it was not the end of the journey." — Madonna, on first hearing about Kabbalah when pregnant with Lourdes. [AP]
• "Phoebe was so spiritual and 'out there' — and I wasn't at all. Not. At. All. If anyone was it was Jennifer [Aniston]. She introduced me to certain books that gave me an insight into that world – Phoebe's supposed world – which was a more spiritual realm." — Lisa Kudrow. [Daily Express]
• "My mom and dad were big hippies and I spent time on communes. I just remember the smell of soybeans everywhere. People were making all sorts of strange things out of soybeans: food, clothing, paper, everything. I suppose if I'd gone to military school, maybe I'd be pining for something like Woodstock. But I'm certainly pining for what it represents, and I think that's what Ang was really after with the film." — Liev Schreiber, on Taking Woodstock. [Style.com]
• "I don't watch Jon & Kate, but I still want to punch that Jon douche in the face.his smarmy,fat alcoholic bloat&Ed Hardy wear piss me off" — Rose McGowan. [Twitter]
• "The Jay-Z controversy is great. We couldn't buy P.R. like this. I think Jay-Z said he saw Auto-Tune used in a Wendy's commercial, and that pushed him over the edge." — Marco Alpert, vice president of the company which markets Auto-Tune, on Jay-Z's latest single, "D.O.A. (Death of Auto-Tune)." [NY Times]
• "Fuck you Katy Perry, you fucking stupid, maybe 'not good for the gays,' title thieving, haven't heard much else, so not quite sure if you're talented, fucking little slut." — Jill Sobule. [The Rumpus]

• According to this report, Mischa Barton was taken from her home last week because she was so high on coke friends were afraid she was going to kill herself. [NY Post]

• A source says of Mischa Barton: "She is a mess. She is a suicidal, uninsurable mess." [The Sun]
• Madonna has visited the family of a worker killed in a stage collapse in France and will meet with three other people hurt in the accident. [UPI]
• Someone stole three boxes of clothing from L.A. stylist Jennifer Rade Thursday night. Who was Rade's client? Who was she collecting dresses for? Angelina Jolie. [Page Six]
• "Single Jessica Simpson Keeps A Low Profile." You mean she's not running around in circles chirping "I'm single! I'm single!"? Huh. [People]
• Nick Lachey says there is no truth to the rumor that he and Jessica Simpson might reunite: "I haven't talked to her in probably two years," Nick says. "I wish her happiness. That's where it pretty much ends." [People]
• Prince was spotted on a first class flight from Minneapolis to La Guardia. He was reading Elle magazine, carrying a gold- and diamond-encrusted walking stick and wearing flip-flops with sparkly silver socks. Whoever spotted him has pretty much had the best day of his or her life and it's all downhill from here. [Page Six]
• Gwyneth Paltrow: "Furious" that Scarlett Johansson is upstaging her. See, ScarJo is on the new Iron Man 2 cover of Entertainment Weekly, and in the new publicity shots; Gwynnie is not. [The Sun]
• David Beckham played his first home game with the L.A. Galaxy this year — and was booed by haters. One fan jumped over some seats to confront Beckham and ended up getting arrested. [AP]
• When we saw this Jean-Charles de Castelbajac ensemble, we were like, who the hell would wear that? Well, the answer, of course, is: Lady Gaga. [BuzzFeed]
• Kate Gosselin and the kids were in New York on Saturday to do a photo shoot for TLC; there was some kind of kerfluffle between security guards outside of the photo studio and paparazzi — the guards used umbrellas, styrofoam boards and folding tables to keep the snappers back; the kids had to be hustled into the studio. "It must have been very upsetting for the kids," says one observer. [People]
• Jon Gosselin's girlfriend Hailey Glassman went to fat camp before college, but would cheat by going to Panda Express. Apparently this was before her alleged "coke diet." [Perez]
• Jon and Kate Gosselin have been split up and living separately since last year, and Jon didn't start dating until after the divorce. [People]
• Wait, what? Jon Gosselin is dating a Star magazine reporter named Kate Major? [Gatecrasher]
• Concert promoter AEG is auctioning off the rights to the rehearsal footage of Michael Jackson's "This Is It" tour, and no Jackson family members are involved in the sale. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Looks like Sony Pictures is close to closing a deal to make a feature film out of the Michael Jackson rehearsal footage. [Variety]
• La Toya Jackson penned a "tribute single" after her brother's death and it will be available on iTunes on July 28. [Mirror]
• TMZ reported that Jermaine, Tito and Jackie Jackson would be performing at the Jamaican Reggae Summerfest. But Jermaine says: "TMZ needs to get their facts straight. We're not going to Jamaica." [E!]
• Tito Jackson seems to blame Dr. Conrad Murray for Michael Jackson's death, saying: "My opinion is that he panicked when my brother didn't wake up… He did have a pulse but he couldn't bring him back. I don't know what the time lapse was between the doctor finding him and when he called paramedics. But I believe if he had immediately called for help we might still have my brother here today, he would definitely still be alive." [Mirror]
• An anonymous senior law enforcement official says there will not be a murder charge in the Michael Jackson case. [UPI]
• Is Katherine Jackson trying to object to the executors named in Michael Jackson's will? And if so, why? There's a "no contest" clause in the will, meaning anyone who files objections to the will automatically gets no money. Is she being manipulated… by Joe? [TMZ]
• This report claims that Janet Jackson has offered to raise Michael's children, and loves them like they are her own. [The Sun]
• Russell Crowe is a hero! No, really: He helped out "a real-life damsel in distress" on the set of his new Robin Hood film. A crew member's car went up in flames when she was on her way to work. She told her colleagues about her scary experience, and Russell made a joke about it — but then ended up giving her enough cash to buy a new car. [Mirror, NY Daily News]
• Paula Abdul does not have a new contract to appear on American Idol for another season, which is probably more of a publicity stunt than an actual possibility that she won't return to the show. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Nevertheless, there's a #keeppaula Twitter trend. [LA Times]
• One reason Paula Abdul might not have a contract: She's holding out for more money. Apparently she makes around $2.5 mil a year, compared to the $15 a year Ryan Seacrest gets. [TMZ]
• Gossip Girls Michelle Trachtenberg and Jessica Szohr, as well as Rumer Willis, Ali Lohan and Stephanie Pratt attended a Charlotte Russe event in NYC last week, where a model playing air guitar almost hit a waiter in the head. [WWD]
• 50 Cent has been trying to sell his is giant mansion in Connecticut — the one that used to belong to Mike Tyson — which has 19 bedrooms, 37 bathrooms and a club with stripper poles. He's knocked about $4 million off the price, so if you have $10.9 million, it's all yours. [The Sun, Hartford Courant]
• Emma Thompson is looking frumpy and old-fashioned: She's filming Nanny McPhee 2! [Daily Mail]
• Jon Stewart has sent Daily Show DVDs to a 32-year-old man with leukemia and has offered to give the guy a tour of the set. [UPI]
• When Kylie Minogue and Spanish beau Andres Velencoso were arguing in a NYC club last week, he pulled out a camera and photographed her while she was upset. A source says: "He's making a collage of Kylie and has already got three albums full of photos of her, which he hopes to publish some day." [Daily Express]
• A source says of John Mayer: "Several years ago when he was dating Jessica Simpson, he couldn't go to her birthday party because he was on tour. So the night of her birthday she had dinner with [hairdresser] Ken Paves and a few friends. Everyone thought John would forget her birthday, but then a gift arrived from him — it was a DVD of him in concert. Jessica spent the rest of the night watching the DVD on a loop, 'being with him.' It was so sad." [Page Six]
• Zzzz: Peaches Geldof fell asleep during a TV interview with Fearne Cotton. [The Sun]
• "Kim Cattrall and toy boy split because he 'refused to be a kept man'" [Daily Mail]
• Jay-Z sips white wine as he is interviewed about The Blueprint 3, his 11th studio album, due in September — eight years to the day after the debut of the original Blueprint. "I wanted to bring it full circle," he says. "The first Blueprint was based on soul samples and more of a place where I came from and the records I listened to growing up with my mom and pop. This Blueprint, I liken it to a new classic, simply because we — Usher, Justin Timberlake, Beyonce, myself — are becoming the people that we looked up to musically growing up, like Marvin Gaye and Frank Sinatra." [Reuters]
• "Sienna Miller: 'I nearly burnt my breasts making GI Joe.'" [Daily Mail]
• Morgan Freeman is in talks to star with Bruce Willis in Red, based on the WildStorm/DC Comic. [Variety]
• Singer Christina Milian and producer/singer The Dream: Engaged. [NY Daily News]
• Click the link if you'd like to see video of Willem Dafoe talking about Lars von Trier's controversial thriller Antichrist. You know, the one where Charlotte Gainsbourg takes a blunt object to Dafoe's [ genitalia? [Guardian]
• Dazed Digital: There's a lot of nudity in the film so, I have to ask, is that actually your…
  Willem Dafoe: … Penis? No, it's not mine. Lars used a porn actor for those scenes. It was a good decision because, if it was me, then that's all that people would talk about. Obviously Lars wants the characters to have genitals but it would become a distraction: ‘Oh, they really had sex!' If he had asked me to do it, I don't know what I would have said. [Dazed Digital]
• Once, David Byrne almost hit Paris Hilton with his bike. [Page Six]
• RIP Frank McCourt. [NY Daily News]
• Blind item! "Which troubled starlet got her first big break on TV by sending the producer a tape of herself having sex with another girl? The producer thought the ploy was so original, he cast her instead of dozens of other ingénues." [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which perennial bachelor princeling should be more careful? While His Serene Highness was cavorting on a yacht in the Mediterranean with a hunky guy, he thought the servants on board would keep their mouths shut. He was wrong." [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which creepy dude and his posse of pals take photos of their overnight lady guests while the women are sleeping and tack them up on a 'Wall of Shame' afterward?" [Gatecrasher]
• "He put my son to shame! I provided my son with the best martial artists in the world, and he could not be persuaded to try it. In just two months, Jaden had learned so much. He is truly a talented boy." — Jackie Chan says Will Smith's son, who will star in Kung Fu Kid, is better at martial arts than his own son. [NY Daily News]
• "Anderson was just amazing. He said that the seven most horrifying words you can hear from a mother are, 'I'm going to write an erotic novel.' But he's fine with it, and of course I gave it to him before I even sent it off." — Gloria Vanderbilt, on her new book. The 85-year-old also says: "I think it's a work of art. The age of the artist is not what we're talking about. I mean, it's as if you looked at a painting and said, How old was the person that painted this? You really don't think in those terms." [Time]
• "When I started out, I'm not sure I was actually in it for the right reasons. I wanted very much to be famous. I did expect to succeed and I did have faith that I would. In reality, though, it has turned out to be something very different to what I wanted. It's the work and not the adulation that has proved to be the most fulfilling." — Gerard Butler. [Telegraph]
• "I have a boyfriend now, but I've been linked to so many guys I sound like a wanton woman. People say to me, 'Oh, it must be so easy for you, dating and boys.' It's really not easy. I suppose guys are either intimidated by me and have their defenses up, or they take the piss out of me. And I'm surrounded by cute older guys on set. That's my problem. It's a minefield, to be honest. It's stressful." — Emma Watson. [Mirror]
• "I'm sure I would have liked to have seen my parents more, and at that time, we did come second. But I like to think of them in Paris, having fun, not thinking too much ... And it was a different time." — Charlotte Gainsbourg, on being the daughter of free spirits French singer Serge Gainsbourg and the English actress Jane Birkin. [Independent]
• "He was the most important voice in our lives for thirty years. And that voice made people reach for the stars. I hate the world without Walter Cronkite." — George Clooney. [Yahoo News via E!]

• Twihards! Sparkle vamp Robert Pattinson says there will be a fourth Twilight movie; the plot of the book Breaking Dawn will come to the big screen. What does this mean?

To the uninitiated, (SPOILER) this creepy story involves young Bella being pregnant with a vampire baby that eats its way out of her uterus... Fun times! Vampires are dead, right? So how can they be born? Or have sperm to impregnate? Oh, that's right: SPARKLES. [The Hollywood Reporter]

• One of Robert Pattinson's bodyguards pushed a paparazzo into a trash can at Cannes. [Gatecrasher]
• Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez had dinner and drinks in Manhattan Friday night. It's so on. [People]
• Rihanna and rapper Drake: Really, really on. [Page Six]
• Sarah Jessica Parker is concerned for the safety and well-being of the surrogate carrying her twins: "She's had friends threatened and family threatened and she's had family of friends threatened," SJP says. Plus, the woman's phone and computer have been tapped/hacked. [USA Today]
• Gay bashing alert: A young woman was attacked at a party where Samantha Ronson DJ'd, and Sam says it was "simply for being gay." She writes: "NO ONE should have to suffer any sort of attack, verbal or physical, for any reason." Warning: She links to a picture of the victim's face, and the damage is terrible. [MySpace, Twitpic]
• The documentary about Amy Winehouse — Saving Amy — may reveal that the singer is struggling with anorexia, alcohol, and her parents. [Daily Mail]
• If you want to see what Michael Jackson looks like these days — without a face mask — go ahead and click. [Daily Mail]
• Property improvements! Brad Pitt is building a new pool cabana and deck on his Malibu estate, which is up for sale. If you have $18 million, you can get a lovely home, pool, tennis courts, and neighbors like Cindy Crawford and Leo DiCaprio. Any takers? [LA Times]
• Here's a first review of Brad Pitt's latest, Inglorious Basterds. Derek Malcolm calls it "absurd, overlong and mostly cardboard version of World War II." The script "places its actors in the unenviable position of appearing either melodramatic, farcical or just plain dull." And "there are some decent moments but they are few and far between." [This Is London]
• Ellen had No Doubt come to her show and overbooked the studio by 500 people — leaving hundreds in the heat and sun for hours, even though they had tickets. Feeling hella bad. [Perez]
• Shawn Johnson says Dancing With The Stars changed her life, and that her dancing partner brought out her personality. "And I've loved every second of it." [E!]
• A neighbor says Jon and Kate of Plus 8 fame are only together for the TLC paychecks. "A lot of people around town say that's what their relationship has been about for a while." [MSNBC Scoop]
• Paula Abdul was asked if all four judges would be returning to American Idol next season, and replied, "Tune in!" [LA Times]
• A reporter to Hugh Hefner: "Would you let Lindsay Lohan play for Playboy?" Hef: "Who?" Reporter: "Lindsay Lohan." Hef cluelessly looks to his young girlfriend, who says, "Lindsay Lohan?" Hef, still looking confused, says, "Sure." Its on video. [Radar Online]
• In this video, Katy Perry talks about her religious parents: "They're very much cool." And: "My mom's isn't the rock-n-roller pot-smoking debutant that she was, and my dad's not the acid dealer with long hair anymore." Plus, she says doing a second record will be good, because "It'll show that either I got lucky or that I was meant to do this." [Rolling Stone]
• Years before Jay Leno nabbed a primetime spot, NBC was asking Oprah and Letterman to try it. [Variety]
• George Clooney will star in a flick called A Very Private Gentleman, playing an assassin who who protects his cover by hiding out in an Italian town. Is it even fiction? Can't you picture Cloons having a secret identity? [Yahoo News via E!]
• Looks like Chace Crawford from Gossip Girl will definitely be in Footloose; and now he may be joined by Miley Cyrus. The world is a strange and mysterious place. [E!, The Hollywood Reporter]
• Paris Hilton has been trying to get paid to appear at nightclubs in Cannes; a source says: "They aren't about to pay her. It's not 2002." [Page Six]
• Seven words you didn't want to hear this morning: "Jennifer Love Hewitt to relaunch singing career." [NME]
• Jesus, there is still major drama going on in Gossip Girl star Kelly Rutherford's divorce and custody battle. Rutherford has filed legal papers asking the judge to bar her ex from taking their 2-year-old son Hermes home — until the dad kid-proofs the pool and play areas. [TMZ]
• In this video, Charlotte Gainsbourg, who stars in Lars von Trier's Antichrist — the one with the genital mutilation — defends the film and Von Trier against the charge that he hates and exploits women. [Guardian]
• Another day, another Slumdog Millionaire child star's home destroyed. This time it was the living quarters of little Rubina Ali. [Yahoo News via AP]
• Sienna Miller wants a rose named after her, so somebody had better get on that. [Daily Express]
• Do you care if Vanessa Minnillo is still with Nick Lachey or not? This report says she was seen "acting single." Because she was drinking and dancing in a club. [Page Six]
• Colin Firth says he was well-versed in Noel Coward's work long before he signed on to star in Easy Virtue, a film based on a Coward play. [UPI]
• Does Ryan Phillippe have a wandering eye? [Page Six]
• File under: Moms re-entering the workplace. Liz Hurley has been away from movies for five years — due to the birth of her son — but would like to come back: "I decided I couldn't do movies for a while, which was a huge decision for me because I actually love making movies more than anything," she says. If she could do a film that could work around her son's school holidays, she would "take it like a shot." [Telegraph]
• T-Mobile is bringing Catherine Zeta-Jones back to its ads. [Business Insider via WSJ]
• Interesting: Chris Pontius of Jackass fame will appear in the new Sofia Coppola film, Somewhere. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• It's hard to read this story about actor Rip Torn's probation for DUI, because his 2006 mug shot is so LOL. [Yahoo News via AP]
• Blind item! "Which wanna-be rocker had to take a trip to the emergency room because he went to sleep with his contacts in?" [Gatecrasher]
• "It is all going well and I know I am very happy right now. I want the happy ever after ending. I've definitely changed. I'm just letting things happen and seeing what does. In so many ways I am behind the mark for my age. I'm not married and I don't have children but my attitude now is that things may happen or they may not but just be happy." — Kylie Minogue, who has been dating this sweet piece of man candy for seven months. [Daily Mail]
• "I'm doing a speech about the situation with AIDS in America basically, and how we need to address what's going on. We seem to be falling a little behind in America. I find this disease very cyclical. Every 10 years or so, after we spend a lot of money trying to educate people — a new generation of people — and we tell them to have safe sex and to abstain sometimes but have safe sex, wear condoms, we find that after 10 years another whole group of people come along. And we have to start all over again, which is really, really frustrating because it takes money for education. And we find that if we could get into the schools at a grass-roots levels, which we do in places like Africa where we get to kids at a young age and we tell them about preventive measures for not getting HIV, we find the success rate is tremendous." — Elton John. [CNN]
• "I just hope it will go away, after a little bit of time. I hope I'm not naïve in thinking that's possible. I don't want to be a part of it. I can't seem to navigate a way of doing that, of actually telling the truth of events that happened without feeling I'm encouraging the whole gossip notion." — Christian Bale on his rant. [USA Today]
• "I don't want us to split up. I love my husband, but I can't sit around crying. This is a new story and a new chapter in my life. Pete is the love of my life and I am so sad and upset by his decision to separate and divorce me as I married him for life. This is not what I want, but the decision was taken out of my hands." — Katie "Jordan" Price. [Telegraph]
• "'Hot' has become a euphemism for all things positive, making it generally acceptable to use to describe everything from a jalapeño to a drum solo. It's sort of a useful word. We don't have to think of appropriate adjectives for people, places, performances, tacos, or objects anymore as they all fit snugly under the glorious umbrella of 'hotness.' So I don't know how hot I am but I'm honored to be considered as warmer than the average taco." — Olivia Wilde, who is number one on Maxim's Hot List. She also says, "Michelle [Obama] will always be No. 1 on MY list." [The Daily Beast]

• Has Britney Spears "fallen" for her backup dancer, Chase Benz?

A source says: "Brit really loves the way Chase looks, and she has a thing for Southern boys with loads of charm. She's totally into him. And being on tour again, plus having a sexy new guy to get close to, has put Brit in a great frame of mind." And that metal codpiece is just a bonus! [Daily Mail]

• Chris Brown denies that he has a new girlfriend. A source says that he and the lady in question "met recently. They're friends. That's it." [People]
• Amy Winehouse heard that hubs Blake Fielder-Civil got some other woman pregnant, and she is working on a song about it! The tune, called "The Ultimate Betrayal," goes: "Blake a baby, no, no, no." A source says, "It's very haunting." And by that you mean familiar and repetitive? [The Sun]
• This story seems mildly preposterous but here it is: John Mayer used to tell Jessica Simpson: "I'm really attracted to your spiritual side." A source says: "He'd tell her that every time she opened her mouth to speak. It was a nice way of basically saying, 'Just sit there and be pretty, and don't ruin it with talk.' The sad thing is she started to tell people, 'I'm working on being more spiritual,' and then just sit there quietly." [Page Six]
• In a Vanity Fair poll, 58% of respondents named Angelina Jolie "the most beautiful woman in the world." Gisele was a distant second with 9% of the vote. And what is the point of pitting women to compete against each other in a completely subjective competition again? [MSNBC Scoop]
• Madonna's former nanny was on Australian TV saying things like Madonna is a "fantastic mother" and so this column wonders if she is still on the payroll. [MSNBC]
• Apparently Lil' Kim's top nearly dropped on during a jive on Dancing With The Stars; she told a reporter after the show: "I don't know why this happens a lot of the time, but ... the girls were tryin' to come out." [AP]
• Deaf actress Marlee Matlin spoke to Joy Behar about sexual abuse, drugs and her volatile relationship with actor William Hurt; the transcript is up. She was molested by a babysitter at age 11; she was molested again by a teacher at age 14 and of her relationship with William Hurt, she says, "there was violence." [CNN]
• Meryl Streep plays Julia Child in the new flick Julie & Julia, but how did the 5 foot 6 actress play the 6 foot 2 chef? "Meryl believed that in order to capture the essence of the character, you had to believe Julia Child is 6-foot-2," says writer/director Nora Ephron. "Actually, our ambitions were more modest. We made her 6 feet. We used a whole bunch of fabulous tricks. Everything we could think of. Ann Roth did amazing things with costumes." [USA Today]
• Former Fugees star Wyclef Jean was the target of an assassination plot in Haiti. "They had a plot to assassinate me, but it obviously didn't go down. I take what I do very seriously, but I fear nothing... except my mamma." [Daily Express]
• Eminem's path back to the spotlight continues: He'll perform at the MTV Movie Awards next month. [UPI]
• Zac Efron is super adorbs on the cover of GQ, and inside he talks about getting advice from Leonardo DiCaprio: "He said, 'There's one way that you can really fuck this all up. Just do heroin.'" [People]
• Goop poop: Gwyneth Paltrow wants another baby. "At first I thought 'OK, that's it, I'm done, no way will I have more.' Then my son turned two and you think, 'Oh, I don't want this to be the last two-year-old I have. Maybe I'll do one more." The real question is, what will she name the sibling of Apple and Moses? Eden? Plum? Cain? Abel? Jesus? [The Sun]
• By the by, Gwyneth threw Moses a superhero-themed party in Los Angeles over the weekend. [Mirror]
• Guess who else wants another kid? Jessica Alba. We know this because she was shopping for real estate with her husband and wanted a place big enough for another baby. Says a source. [Ok!]
• Real Housewife LuAnn De Lesseps has been invited by Judge Lynn Toler to appear on Divorce Court. Is it classy enough for the Countess? [NY Daily News]
• ANTM hottie Nigel Barker wants you to know about baby seals being clubbed to death in Canada: "It's not a hunt, it's a massacre on the ice. Its barbaric." [NY Post]
• In this video, Hugh Jackman and Daniel Henney woo ladies on a Korean TV show in the most hilarious ways. [YouTube]
• After the director of the brand made what Jay-Z thought was a racist remark, Jay started boycotting Cristal and supporting Armand de Brignac champagne instead. Now Armand De Brignac is selling out its entire production run of 60,000 bottles. [Independent]
• Oooh: Lily Allen was the secret voice of Atomic Kitten, when she was 14 years old. [The Sun]
• Your friend Kanye West was supposed to be arraigned on misdemeanor charges — he's accused of breaking a paparazzo's flash last September — but his court date has been delayed until May. [Yahoo News via AP]
• Mel Gibson was heard telling people at the Roman Catholic church he had built in 2005: "Well, she's filed for divorce." [People]
• Jamie Foxx's Sirius radio show, The Foxxhole, spent a good minute and a half making fun of Miley Cyrus, calling her "that little white bitch," "the one with all the gums," who needs to "get like Britney Spears and do some heroin" or "go get chlamydia from a bicycle seat." Charming. [Perez]
• Prince William made a mistake in a £1 million Royal Airforce plane during training — flipping the wrong switch and "overcooking" the engine — but apparently the plane is fine and the prince is fine and everything is fine. [Daily Mail]
• Not that you care, but Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo are on the rocks and argue all the time. [Gatecrasher]
• Jenna Jameson has blogged about giving birth to her twins, Jesse Jameson and Journey Jette. She says: "I truly believe the 500 sit ups a day paid off. I was able to push my 5 pound Jesse out in 5 pushes." [ONTD]
• Lost star Josh Holloway and wife Yessica are the proud new parents of a baby girl named Java Kumala Holloway. [People]
• Animal guy Jeff Corwin is getting a show on the Food Network. He'll travel the world, meet with natives, sample "exotic" foods and learn about local customs. Kind of like Anthony Bourdain does? [EW]
• Is it the hair, the eyes or the mouth that make Phil Spector's mug shot so creepy? [TMZ]
• The high school in Kalama, Washington which was used in the filming of Twilight has become a tourist attraction. Fans have come from as far as Germany to visit the parking lot. What a world. [AP]
• The late George Harrison of the Beatles will get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. [Mirror]
• Blind item! "Which young songbird not only had lipo on her stomach, but even got the "back fat" sucked out from under her bra line?" [Gatecrasher]
• "You haven't responded to my emails, phone calls and text messages. You say you look at my website, so I'm trying to reach you that way. I want to see you and your family – in private, like the 'normal family' you say always wanted." — Candy Spelling, to Tori Spelling, on CandySpelling.com. [People]
• "I hate the internet. I find it dehumanising to constantly check emails or social sites which have become so fashionable. I'm not a celebrity. I don't go home or out with friends saying I'm a celebrity and I don't ask to be treated like a queen. Mum and dad wouldn't like that." — Keira Knightley. [The Sun]
• "I wasn't programmed by Disney. It's common sense. If you're gonna be drunk with your friends, don't get wasted at the Chateau Marmont and hook up with some famous chick. It's not rocket science." — Zac Efron. [People]
• "I like going to England. Women in England are really racy. Very very — uh — very fast. Very very nice. I like it." — Danny DeVito. [Mirror]
• "The movie poster should say, 'Starring Meryl Streep, Amy Adams and boeuf bourguignon.' My car crashes are burnt stews. You cannot begin to imagine how much eating there was, how much food. There was a huge kitchen on a soundstage with two fantastic people in it. Whenever a dish had to be made for the movie, they had to do at least seven of them. And there were always several left over." — Nora Ephron, on her new movie about Julia Child, Julie & Julia. [USA Today]
• "Age holds absolutely no fear for me. There is so much enjoyment ahead. Sophia [Loren] is 74 and amazing – every time I talk to her, she's full of wonderful stories about old actors." — Penelope Cruz. [People]
• "It's all about a woman's reproductive cycle and how we become fertile in terms of bearing children at a young age and then at a certain point in life we are no longer fertile in that sense. I think women can be at their most creative, their most dynamic, when their biological fertility cycle is over. So that's basically what that's all about. Just when I thought it's all over for me, I find myself in the most exciting, creative time of my entire life." — Kathie Lee Gifford, on her new book, Just When I Thought I'd Dropped My Last Egg. [Time]

"London is not in Cairo." Nick argues, "It's in the same part of the world, kind of." Kelly replies, "Not even." To which Nick says: "Well, that's true too." By the by: Kelly Ripa makes $7 million a year, which is $36,000 per episode; Nick was in an all-male singing troupe called 98°, which happens to be the average summer temperature in Cairo.

• Grey's Anatomy star T.R. Knight was in a three-car crash yesterday. He was not injured, but two other people were taken to the hospital by ambulance. [LA Times]

• The President Of The United States, Barack Obama, was on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno last night. He brought lulz (More later). [NY Daily News]
• Barack Obama made a joke about the Special Olympics and for that he is sorry. [NY Daily News]
• Here's a picture of Chris Brown getting off of a private jet and riding a bike around on the tarmac like he's having the time of his life. Raise your hand if it makes you feel stabby. [TMZ]
• Jennifer Aniston is narrating a children's book. Cue the ZOMG SHE WANTS BABIEZ headlines. [Gatecrasher]
• Are Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel on a fast train to Splitsville? [Perez, Chicago Sun-Times]
• When Beyoncé stopped at Patricia Field the other day, she spent $11,000 in 20 minutes. How come didn't get us anything? [Page Six]
• It's a big weekend at the box office, with lots of stars: Nicolas Cage, Paul Rudd, Jason Segel, Clive Owen and Julia Roberts. Plus, Amy Adams's Sunshine Cleaning will move into additional theaters. What to see? [Reuters]
• "Five Reasons Julia Roberts Is Too Old (or Not)." Wait, what? [E!]
• This article asks "Is John Hamburg (the writer/director of I Love You Man) The New Judd Apatow?" [LA Times]
• Actual headline: "Miley Cyrus Shakes Her Ass For Paps." And it's not on Perez! [E!]
• For some reason there is a feud between Chris Jericho and Mickey Rourke. Jericho says when Rourke comes to Wrestlemania, he will "get out of the ring, walk over to Mickey, and slap him in the face." Lame. [Gatecrasher]
• Someone is pregnant on The Office. [E!]
• Speaking of The Office, did you dig Idris Elba? He has a Twitter. [EW]
• A Sheryl Crow/Stevie Nicks tour? Maybe! [Gatecrasher]
• There's a new Facebook group called UCLA Students Against James Franco as Commencement Speaker. It's jut mean! [E!]
• Dane Cook's half-brother and former business manager was indicted Thursday on eight counts of larceny; he'd been funneling millions from Cook's business accounts. No joke there. [E!]
• Real Housewives Of Orange County star Gretchen Rossi was spotted making out with Slade Smiley. [TMZ]
• Nick Lachey pitched a reality show to MTV and they liked it! Taking The Stage is about kids at a performing arts school (his alma mater in Cincinnati). Kinda like Fame, if you're old enough to remember hot lunch. [LA Times]
• Debra Messing is named in a lawsuit involving a traffic accident in which her car struck a police officer, even though Messing wasn't driving the car. [TMZ]
• The cast of the new Star Trek flick is heading to Australia; the movie will make its world premiere at the Sydney Opera House on April 7. No word if that guy with the Kirk chair will get to go. [Yahoo News via Reuters]
• Not only is Vanessa Williams awesome on Ugly Betty, she is working on a new album. "I had been wanting to do a Latin-flavored album since I played a ballroom dancer in the (salsa) movie Dance With Me," Williams says. [USA Today]
• Ooh, Elle Macpherson on TV! The CW show is called Beautiful Life, and she'll okay the owner of a modeling agency, naturally. [Reuters]
• Hmm, Mary J. Blige is joining the cast if the next Tyler Perry movie. Love her; not sure about him. [Reuters]
• Gossip Girl fans: Check out this new clip that's popped up: Chuck vs. Dorota! [People]
• Whitney Port and actor Robert Buckley were seen making out all over Miami. Hopefully someday soon we can stop thinking about these semi-famous [E!]
• There is a new romcom in the works called Merman. Yes, it is about a man who is half fish. He "comes to land so he can win back his mermaid fiance, who has left him for a real man." I'm not lying when I say it's produced by the dude who brought you Splash. [EW, Variety]
• Tara Reid has a job! She's been cast in an untitled horror film, in which she will play a mother whose family is terrorized by an unsees presence. [Variety]
• Former Soul Train host Don Cornelius has been sentenced to three years probation after pleading no contest to misdemeanor spousal battery. [Reuters]
• Blind item! "Which engaged young couple shocked an entire film crew when they were caught having sex on set?" [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item: "Which hip-hop fashion team is taking more credit than it deserves? While most designers acknowledge their assistants do much of the work, this up-and-coming pair accept kudos but never mention the staff in the back who actually make it happen." [Page Six]
• "I remember a performance of The Fantasticks where a mom brought a teenage son with Tourette's syndrome to the show. It was explained to me that because he liked me a lot, it became especially difficult for him to control his outbursts when I came on stage. Every time I said or sang anything, he would snort, howl or bellow some expletive about bodily functions or female anatomy, [and drop] F-bombs." — Kristin Chenoweth, in her memoir, A Little Bit Wicked. [Page Six]
• "I like all the Wii games. Love Guitar Hero. Growing up, I liked Tetris. I even like BrickBreaker on the BlackBerry. [My first console was] a Nintendo. I would play Super Mario Bros. We weren't supposed to play it after nine o'clock, and I would sneak and play all night. I loved it." — Beyoncé. [Mirror]
• "I had my tonsils taken out [at age 13], and they gave me liquid Vicodin. I found, when I take this, people like me. I'm having fun, I'm not getting picked on. It became a confidence thing." — Kelly Osbourne, who says she is finally completely clean after a month in rehab. [People]
• "I am shirtless and I have back hair in Observe And Report, and it's glorious. They did have me shave my back for Knocked Up. Judd Apatow said, 'People are not ready for a hairy back in a sex scene. We're just not there yet as a society.'" — Seth Rogen. [Page Six]

• Amy Winehouse must be coming to her senses: she's given control of her £15 million fortune to her parents. She can't spend her own money without their approval, so drugs are probably out. [Mirror]

• Michael Phelps says of smoking that bong: "I engaged in behaviour which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment." And! "I'm 23 years old and, despite the successes I've had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again." [Guardian]
• Madonna, Guy Ritchie, and the kids all went to the same service at the Kabbalah Center in New York yesterday. Madge and Guy arrived and left separately, but things are "amicable." [Daily Mail]
• Madonna was spotted with that hot Brazilian model in New York on Sunday, Jesus Luz. Are Madonna and Jesus gettin' Biblical? [Perez]
• Britney's dad has obtained restraining orders against Adnan Ghalib and Sam Lutfi, who are "now working in concert to disrupt the conservatorship," according to the paperwork. Apparently Britney informs Adnan of where she's going, and he arranges for paparazzi to show up and photograph her for his financial benefit. Sam, meanwhile, tells Brit he's "trying" to "free" her from her conservatorship. [Extra]
• Get ready: Kate Moss wants to be an actress. [Elle UK]
• Wings and cupcakes: Jessica Biel threw Justin Timberlake a Super-Bowl themed surprise party in the penthouse of the Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood. [People]
• Tommy Lee's helicopter was pulled over by LAPD. No, really. [TMZ]
• Foxy! Pix of Slumdog Millionaire's Freida Pinto as a young aspiring model. [Daily Mail]
• As for Slumdog's Dev Patel, he says: "If you asked me a year ago would I ever have been doing a movie with [director] Danny Boyle, I would have absolutely laughed in your face." [NPR]
• Aw, 9-year-old Rubina Ali, who also starred in Slumdog Millionaire and lives in a "one-room shack" with her family in a Mumbai slum, wants to be a Bollywood star. "I like films. I like poems and I like my school," she says. [Reuters]
• Jennifer Aniston's house: Still a construction site after 2 years of remodeling.
  Star]
• Ciao, Hollywood: David Beckham will leave the LA Galaxy and join AC Milan permanently, after getting approval from wife Victoria. [Mirror]
• Here's Victoria stepping out with Cruz and Romeo, who are wearing matching shirts. [Daily Mail]
• Is it really the end for Prince Harry and Chelsy Davy? A source says they are still speaking and this may just be a "blip." [Daily Express]
• Although Chelsy was out partying and kept talking about how she wants to go "home" to Zimbabwe. [Daily Mail]
• Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi had a joint birthday party where Samantha Ronson DJ'd and celebs like Jennifer Aniston and Drew Barrymore celebrated. Our invitation must have gotten lost. [ People]
• Chris Martin has been banned from recording with Coldplay for two weeks. [Mirror]
• Even though Warner Bros. didn't push for Gran Torino to win an Oscar, the movie is actually cleaning up at the box office, unlike some other nominated flicks.It's "Clint Eastwood's $110 Million Revenge." [Fox News]
• Billy Bob Thornton claims: "I’d like to do another movie with Angie one of these days. We talk all the time. She and I keep looking for something to do together; we just have to find the right thing." Sure, sure. [Daily Express]
• Even though Courtenay Semel beat up Casey Johnson last month and set her hair on fire, they are back in love and "soul partners." [Page Six]
• Kristen Johnston talks about her role on the new Absolutely Fabulous: She will indeed play Patsy, not Edina, as previously reported. And the show will be "different.": "We don’t smoke, we are hungover all the time, we chew Nicorette, we’re trying to be more PC, but I think it really works. It’s one of those scripts that’s like my favorite kind because on paper you’re like, Oh, this is funny, but when you read it out loud with two actresses, it’s, like, the funniest shit ever." [EW]
• Score: Snoop Dogg coached his Snoop Youth Football league team to victory! [UPI]
• Mary Lynn Rajskub and Janeane Garofalo get the giggles when shooting 24 scenes together. "If we make eye contact, forget it," Garofalo says. [USA Today]
• Check out Zoe Kravitz, all dolled up for a photo shoot with Annie Leibovitz. The pix will appear in an upcoming issue of Vanity Fair. [Daily Mail]
• Blind item! "Which heartthrob actor keeps turning up drunk to the set of his TV medical drama?" [Gatecrasher]
• Nick Lachey loves that his girlfriend is a sports fan, blah blah blah. [People]
• Is ABC Family, with shows that contain teenage pregnancy and underage drinking, too edgy to be called a family channel? [UPI]
• The latest ABC family shows are all "female-oriented," including one series called 10 Things I Hate About You, based on the movie. [Reuters]
• Lisa Loeb got married on Saturday! The lucky guy is Roey Hershkovitz, a music supervisor for Late Night with Conan O'Brien. The bride wore pink. [People]
• Kate Middleton's childhood home is up for sale. [Telegraph]
• Because the world could not function without his opinion, Sanjaya Malakar would like for you to know he approves of the 4th judge on American Idol. [UPI]
• John Cleese's ex-girlfriend says when Cleese dumped her via a message on her answering machine for lying about her age, she texted back: "Look, at least it wasn’t a sex tape." [Mirror]
• "To me, it's a party whenever I go to work. The writing is so wonderfully dark, and everybody's lying to everyone else, that it's funny. It was a very relaxed time for me — actually, way more relaxing than comedy. Comedy makes me uptight. Because in comedy, everything is not funny until that one thing that is. " — Ted Danson, best known for doing comedy, now getting attention of his dramatic role on Damages. [Washington Post]
• "Oh God, wasn’t that awful?" — Kristen Johnston, on Bride Wars, in which she had a small part. [EW]
• "I'm not a romantic guy at all. It’s not that I don’t believe in romance. It’s that I don’t believe in dinner for two by the ocean, walking down the beach holding hands – that version of romance. I think I'm probably romantic, but I’m not outwardly romantic. I'm not a player." — Jonathan Rhys Meyers. [People]
• "I loved [Vicky Cristina Barcelona character] Maria Elena, yes. I mean, I hope I'm not too similar to her! And I didn't want to ever think, 'Oh, I'm playing a crazy person.' Because I mean, who's normal? I don't know anybody that is normal." — Penelope Cruz. [CBS News]
• "I asked my agent if I could have my costumes in my contract – but she laughed in my face! I guess that doesn't really happen." — Isla Fisher, on Confessions Of A Shopaholic. [The Sun]
• "It was pretty tough turning 18. I realised that overnight I’d become fair game. I had a party in town and the pavements were just knee-deep with photographers trying to get a shot of me looking drunk, which wasn’t going to happen. I don’t have to drink to have a good time. The sickest part was when one photographer lay down on the floor to get a shot up my skirt. The night it was legal for them to do it, they did it. I woke up the next day and felt completely violated by it all. That’s not something I want in my life. I just kept thinking that if it had happened a day earlier people would have sued their asses off… I find the whole concept of being ‘sexy’ embarrassing and confusing… I know everyone wants a picture of me in a mini-skirt. But that’s not me. I feel uncomfortable." — Emma Watson. [Daily Mail]

• Guy Richie will not fight ex-wife Madonna's plans to move their children to the United States, claiming that he would rather keep his children together than tear them apart with a nasty custody battle. [Mirror]

• ""It is quite simple in Guy's eyes - Rocco comes before him. He has always put Rocco and David's future ahead of his own and this is why he has relented," says a source, "He is adamant he wants to keep the boys and their sister Lourdes together. He does not want to tear them apart from each other. Guy is telling Rocco and David he will still see them a lot.He is already making plans to visit the children in America and looking at the possibility of them having holidays in England."[Mirror]
• Nick Lachey is the latest member of the "Leave Jessica Alone!" brigade: "I can't believe it's this big of a story and people are making such a huge deal about it. I'm never ceased to be amazed by people's reaction to things," Lachey says, "I hope she's happy, whatever size she comes in. I wish her nothing but the best." [People]
• And Heidi Klum agrees with him: "there are always people who are quick to offer an opinion and when you are in the public eye, people will always talk about you and put their opinions on you. That's what you get when you're in the public eye. But people need to be happy with the way they are." [People]
• As does Simpson's brother-in-law, Pete Wentz: "I think the media puts too harsh of a spotlight on women in general and I think it's a bummer. It's bad for young women. I see it affecting young girls who come to our shows and that's a bummer. Real beauty is on the inside, man." [NME]
• Is Katie Holmes afraid to leave Tom Cruise? A source says yes: "As much as Tom loves her now, Katie believes that if she left him, he'd make it difficult for her to see their daughter Suri. She's already seen how that would play out - because after Tom and Nicole Kidman divorced, he pretty much took control of their two children. Before Tom, she always had loads of friends and loved to go out. Now she must feel like she's living Tom's life, not her own."[ShowbizSpy]
• Uh-oh: did 30 Rock steal material from the Sarah Silverman Program?[Videogum]
• Britney Spears' father, Jamie, has just filed restraining orders against Britney's ex-boyfriend, Adnan Ghalib, and ex-manager, Sam Lutfi, claiming that the two men "are now working in concert to disrupt the conservatorship with utter disregard for Ms. Spears's health and well being." [People]
• Tom Jones is keeping it classy on his new tour, ladies: the singer says he's stopped dyeing his hair and won't be encouraging the underwear tossing that has dominated his past shows. "I don't capitalize on it as much as I used to," Jones says,"I used to pick it up and do shtick with it and all that, which I stopped doing because it was encouraging it." [AP]
• Amy Adams is still trying to balance celebrity and her everyday life: "I'll pick up my allergy medication and the pharmacist will say, 'I love you'. I'll be like, 'I'm just glad I'm not picking up something embarrassing.' Suddenly you realise you're not a private person any more. It's okay, just jarring, to realise that everything you do can be scrutinised or evaluated. But don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful for where I'm at."[Independent]
• Kimora Lee Simmons, who recently announced her pregnancy with Djimon Hounsou, has finally finalized her divorce from (now) ex-husband Russell. Yahoo]
• Evangeline Lilly is auctioning off a line of lingerie on Ebay to support Task Brazil, a charity that "provides housing, aid and guidance to children and teens living on the streets of the South American nation." Lilly says: "Here on eBay I'm offering beautiful, Brazilian-made lingerie as a fun, enticing way for you to not only invest in yourself but in the poor and abandoned children of Brazil." [E!]
• Steve Martin: Action Star? "I've always dreamed of doing an action movie," Martin says, "I'm very proud of the movies I've done and I have done some action scenes but I would have loved to have gone all out with all guns blazing like those guys, just once."[ShowbizSpy]
• Sex and the City creator Michael Patrick King admits that he had to fight to cast Jennifer Hudson in the first film: "It can't be called Sex and the City without a little color—it's just wrong," King says, "Women are very nice when they figure out who I am. And the only negative comment I ever got about the series was every now and then, some woman of color—whether it'd be Latina or an African-American—they'd stop and say, 'Where are the sisters?' in my ear, and I was like, 'Yeah, where are they?'"[Yahoo]
• My 7th grade love, Val Kilmer, will be the celebrity king of the Krewe of Bacchus parade in New Orleans on Feb. 22. [AP]
• Taylor Swift had to deal with some serious Mean Girls growing up: "I had a group of friends when I was about 12. [Then] they all just decided they didn't wanna hang out with me anymore. I would go and sit down at the lunch table with my friends. And they would get up and move their trays to another table," Swift tells Katie Couric. Maybe because you wore sweatpants? Or a ponytail more than once a week? [CBS]
• Robert Pattinson continues his "answering dumb questions with even dumber answers tour," claiming that he doesn't like to tell people he's an actor because "It's kinda cheesy, so I prefer to say I do something else. I don't like the word 'acting'. I prefer the word 'creating,' because I want to build a character with an idea that turns into something that people will remember." Oh, dude. Dude! Stop it![ShowbizSpy]
• DMX, or as I like to call him, Mr. Earl Simmons, has been sentenced to 90 days in jail for various charges, including animal cruelty. Goodbye, Earl! [Mirror]
• And finally, in beautiful people news, Brad Pitt admits that his life is chaotic, but he loves every minute of it: "It's chaos at times, but there's such joy in the house," Pitt says. And as for the lady in his life? "Angelina and I are together because we can enhance each other. I don't want to waste any time because I'm with company I really, really love." He then added, "I'm sevvvven, but I look a lot olllderrr." Ok no, that was me. I can't stop doing my Benjamin Button impression, you guys. It's becoming a serious problem. It's starting to scarrrre myyy dogggg. [People]

• "A Los Angeles Superior Court official said Tuesday that MTV was recently granted permission to shoot in a courtroom in Beverly Hills, but it was done after hours - and that's not one of their judges sitting on the bench in The Hills footage.MTV was granted permission to film 'what purported to be a wedding outside of court hours' at the Beverly Hills courthouse, court spokesman Allan Parachini said Tuesday. He did not know who the participants were in the wedding, but Parachini said court officials wanted the filming to be treated as a news event." [AP]
• Did Kate Walsh's marriage implode because she was getting McSteamy with Private Practice co-star David Sutcliffe? Soap opera-y dramz in real life! [Star]
• Tiffani Amber Thiessen: knocked up. This will be the first child for the artist formerly known as Kelly Kapowski. [Star]
• Speaking of 90s stars and their spawn, Full House star Jodie Sweetin is in the midst of a messy custody war. TMZ says, "Her estranged husband called for an emergency hearing this morning to get access to their 8-month old daughter ASAP." How rude! Sorry, it had to be said. [TMZ]
• Oh lord. Nick Lachey is going to be on another MTV show. Because the first one worked out so well for him and his marriage! Anyway, EW describes the show as "Untitled Nick Lachey project: Former Jessica Simpson appendage follows Ohio theater geeks." Sounds like a recipe for…something. [EW]
• LeeLee Sobieski swears that Christian Bale was a "protector" on the set of the new Terminator movie. However, she wouldn't elaborate specifically, and only said, "He was very protective of all the women and the men on set. He was actually amazing to everybody, the utmost professional guy. In fact there was even an instance one night where he kept a lady safe." [E! Online]
• Correction! Katy Perry is not engaged to Gym Class Heroes member Travis McCoy. Since we are olds, we still don't really know who these people are, but we are happy to relay the proper information. [Perez]
• An overzealous loon spooked Lindsay Lohan in Scottsdale the other night. "The gentleman became very excited when he realized he was so close to Samantha and he has a history of being a stalker with Lindsay Lohan so he immediately attacked her and started yelling, 'I love her, I love her.'" The man was arrested for disorderly conduct but released a few hours later. Stay safe Lilo! [TMZ]
• What habit does Jennifer Aniston hate most in a man? "selfishness. No, that's a behavior. What's a bad habit? I'd say forgetting to turn off the lights." Those pet peeves can really wear a gal down. [People]
• Joan Jett had this to say about recruiting bands for her new record label, Blackheart: "Now it's becoming something where we can give people an opportunity. And certainly girls who are having a tougher time, as I felt myself, but it's obviously not limited to girls, we're just looking for good music, bands that want to work hard." [Rolling Stone ]
• Speaking of Ms. Jett, Kristen Stewart says it's bonkers that she was chosen to play Joan in the forthcoming biopic about Jett's band, The Runaways. "It's an absolutely insane concept for me to even think that I'm going to play her, but apparently I got the job so I'm going to give it all I've got." [NYM]
• Katie Holmes turns 30 this week, and hubby Tom Cruise says he's going to plan a birthday palooza for his wife. "I've been kind of surprising her throughout the week with things," he says. [People]
• Though she's rumored to be dating actor Kyle Howard, Lauren Conrad says she doesn't know who her New Year's kiss will be. However, she is super fine with Amanda Bynes dating her ex, frozen burrito heir Doug Reinhardt. ""They seem really cute together," LC says. "I haven't met her, but he's a really great guy." [E! Online via Yahoo]
• Count Rosario Dawson among the Twilight obsessives. "I just read the first book, it's ridiculous, it's like crack cocaine. I read it for 10 hours straight until I finished it," Dawson gushes. [People]
• Eva Mendes wanted a ticket to Obama's inauguration, but this time, her celebrity couldn't help her snag an invite. "We are still working on it, but I understand the whole thing. They don't want to make (it) a celebrity studded event because I understand this in an extremely crucial time in our history and in our world right now. And I understand not wanting to make (it) a star-studded event; I completely understand that. But of course, I would love to go and be there," the starlet says. Yeah, you and 50 million other people, lady. [Daily Express]
• "So much of what I went through the last eight years, it was unnecessary. It was completely unnecessary. It costs a fortune. And more the psychic toll. I mean, I aged like 20 years in the last eight years. It really — it killed me. I was really tired." — Alec Baldwin on his trainwreck divorce from Kim Basinger. [Perez]
• OMG! Some dude got his Price Is Right bid in the final Showcase on the nose. This is the first time in 30 years someone has guessed the exact price of a Showcase. Host Drew Carey acted weird about it: "A TMZ spy who happened to be in the audience during the taping says when Drew knew the guy hit the exact number, he stopped down taping and had a pow-wow with show producers for nearly 30 minutes. Our spy thinks they were trying to figure out how to handle the situation on camera." [TMZ]

• Did Samantha Ronson refuse to DJ a lesbian bar because "she doesn't do those kind of venues" ? [Page Six]
• Headline of the day: "Lindsay's MySpace Is Like Her Fake Wedding Ring." [E!]
• Additionally, Lindsay says Joe Francis is "yuck." [E!]
• Did Michael Lohan write a blog in which he calls Samantha Ronson "disgusting" and discusses her toilet paper habits? [The Sun]
• Victoria Beckham says she'd like to have another kid but she's too busy right now. "I don’t want another baby for two years because I’m working so hard on my fashion business. I haven’t got time. We would like another child but it won’t be for a couple of years yet." She also says: "David and I still go out on our own and we have a real laugh together. I love him more now than I did when we first met." Awww. Sniff! [The Sun]
• The Jolie-Pitt Foundation has just donated another $1 million, this time to fund the Human Rights Watch's work in Burma and Zimbabwe. [Perez Hilton]

• It's official! Whitney Port, the girl who was flown to Paris by Condé Nast but could not pronounce Givenchy, has her own spinoff of The Hills. The series starts shooting immediately in New York and will follow Whitney's life working for Diane von Furstenberg. Can Whit hold her own? Can she pronounce Houston Street? All will be revealed in 2009. [E!]
• Shanna Moakler, who was "devastated" when she learned of the plane crash that left her ex-husband badly burned, is spending time with Travis Barker, trying to lift his spirits. [People]
• Will George Clooney come back for the final season of ER? (Hint: No.) [Reuters]
• MTV is working on a "black version" of The Muppets with, who else, Kanye West. [Rush & Molloy]
• Blake Incarcerated says he'd rather stay in jail than go to rehab, probably because you can get drugs in jail. [The Sun]
• Kate Moss has been "trying to forget" her breakup with Jamie Hince by hanging out in Paris. [The Sun]
• A judge has thrown out a paparazzo's suit against Keanu Reeves; Keanu hit the dude with his car as he was trying to inch out of a parking space and the guy tripped over his own feet and hurt his wrist. [AP]
• Is Kristin Chenoweth dating Jeff Probst? They're both very pretty. (She says "We're really good friends.") [E!]
• Jonny Lee Miller, ex-husband of Angelina Jolie and star of TV show Eli Stone, is expecting a child with wife Michele Hicks. It will be their first! [People]
• Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey may have split up, not that you care. Also maybe on the rocks: Josh Duhamel and Fergie. [E!]
• Radar did a photo shoot with Shannen Doherty and she looks all angst-y. [Radar]
• Isaac Hayes has left part of his estate to the Isaac Hayes Foundation, which promotes literacy, music and nutrition. [AP]
• Hugh Hefner says Holly Madison is not dating Criss Angel. "Holly shares my bed on a nightly basis," Hef says. But! He admits that his relationships with Holly, Kendra and Bridget are "in transition." [E!]
• Michael Phelps admits he pees in the pool. And! If you missed Phelps playing Dr. McSwimmy in a Grey's Anatomy spoof before the Emmys, you can see it here. [LA Times]
• Pete Doherty was a "chess-mad schoolboy" when he was a kid. [The Sun]
• Charlie Sheen's wife had emergency gall bladder surgery even though she's in the early stages of pregnancy, yikes. She's gonna be okay. [E!]
• Jennifer Hudson's new CD includes a duet with fellow American Idol alum Fantasia. That's a lot of voice on one track. [Fox 411]
• Janet Jackson has left her record label. Stay tuned as she tries to figure out how to stay relevant. [E!]
• "I would like to go to university and complete a degree and so that will mean a break from acting. I've always tried to balance my education with my acting career, but I just don't think it will be possible to juggle it with a degree course. I have a need now to study." — Emma "Hermione Granger" Watson. [Daily Mail]
• "I am a size 27 jeans. My measurements are 34, 26, 39. But remember I am 5'2" and ½ and everyone carries their weight in different places. I am really sick and tired of people being so mean and nasty and assume I am lying. JUST FOR YOU NON-BELIEVERS, I WILL POST A VIDEO BLOG OF ME SHOWING YOU GUYS MY SIZE 27 JEANS LATER TONIGHT!" — Kim Kardashian. [MSNBC]

• Amy Winehouse has joined a list of young millionaires! She has an estimated £10 million fortune. And yet you'd never know it. Love that! [Telegraph]
  
• Uh-oh. Amy might get arrested today, because she headbutted some guy who might press charges. [The Sun]
  
• Madonna's new album, Hard Candy, debuts today on MySpace — four days before the official release date. [People]
  
• Lauren Conrad will become a fashion blogger. For the poorly-named site College Tonight. Think she can write? [Fashionista]
  
• So MSNBC is claiming they never asked Heidi Montag to sit at their table at the White House Correspondent's dinner. And yet! Radar has an email from Courtney Hazlett of MSNBC.com attempting to confirm Heidi's attendance at the dinner. But see MSNBC and MSNBC.com are different, you guys. So the site sent the invite and Heidi declined. In any case! Heidi will not be at the dinner. So there's that. [Radar]

• Jailed Pete Doherty missed his own art opening in Paris. On view: 30 paintings by the singer, using his own blood as well and pencil and paint. The one of Kate Moss is um, impressionistic. [Daily Mail]
• Jimmy Fallon will replace Conan O'Brien on Late Night sometime next year. Well, the show will be full of laughter: He's great at cracking himself up. [AP]
• The unlawful smoking charges against Shia LaBeouf have been dismissed! Light up, dude. In a designated area, though. [Yahoo News]
• Rebecca Romjin's character on Ugly Betty — being scaled back and downgraded to a "recurring" role. Boo. Everyone loves a glam tranny. [E!]
• Two newspapers and the Associated Press are asking for access to R. Kelly's pretrial hearings. The lawyer repping the media outlets claims that R's celebrity status doesn't justify a media ban. [AP]
• Meanwhile! R. Kelly has a new video, in which he sings about getting his hair braided. [ConcreteLoop]
• Jerry Springer will be the commencement speaker at Northwestern Law School for the class of '08 and some people are not happy. [Page Six]
• Ice-T is producing a documentary about his hero, Iceberg Slim, a pimp-turned-novelist. [Page Six]
• John Legend is not, repeat, not dating Maria Menounos; they just had a "friendly drink." John has a girlfriend, Christine Teigen. [Page Six]
• Nick Lachey will host a show called High School Musical: Summer Session that's like a talent search or something and I feel sad about the direction TV is going in so I'm not saying any more. [Variety]
• Bill Cosby is teaming up with a Superior Court Judge in Atlanta to speak about at-risk black youth. [CNN, via AP]
• George Clooney's Oscar Nominee Gift Bag: Up for charity auction. [PR Newswire]
• Cynthia Nixon may marry her girlfriend Christine Marinoni in "a quiet autumn ceremony in Vermont under the red leaves." And they both have red hair! Sounds sweet. [ONTD]
• Michael Jackson's asked Akon to produce his new album. And uh, he's sworn off women so he can "concentrate." Yeeeeah. [Page Six]
• A new book scolds Paris Hilton and Britney Spears for impulse-buying animals at pet stores. [Page Six]
• Heidi Fleiss will be on Dr. Drew's VH1 show, Celebrity Rehab to deal with her Vicodin and meth addictions. Oh, and she's hoping to fall in love. LOL. [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which 'sensitive' heartthrob rocker does his best work with a snoot full of booger sugar? Girls who flock to his side at NYC clubs notice he can't go but five minutes between bathroom breaks." [Gatecrasher]
• The Empire State Building will be purple, pink and white tonight in honor of Mariah Carey. Somebody take a picture! [Gothamist]
• The paparazzi are mad at Mariah Carey because at a CD signing, she showed up two hours late, rushed down the red carpet and wore sunglasses on the red carpet. They might boycott her. Ooooh, burn. [TMZ]
• Some dude who once appeared in a movie with Michael Douglas is suing Douglas over an effed up business deal. [TMZ/]
• Two production assistants who worked on The Hills and Next have filed a class action lawsuit against MTV, claiming they put in more than eight hours a day, without meal breaks, but were not paid overtime. Plus: They had to deal with the cast of The Hills. [TMZ]
• Three years after his memorable couch-jumping incident, Tom Cruise will be back on The Oprah Winfrey Show. Oprah will be celebrating Tom's career since his breakout role 25 years ago in Risky Business. [People]
• Pete Wentz says the ring he gave Ashlee Simpson is not a conflict diamond, so you can all relax. [People]
• Ashlee is on the cover of Shape magazine, btw. In a string bikini. Is that why she doesn't want to admit she's preg? [MSNBC]
• The new 90210 might have Hilary Duff as a star. Meh. [E!]
• "I have accepted a part in a major studio film. It's a comedy. It's starting the first week in May and it's filming in Louisiana. I can't wait." — Kim Kardashian. The flick is one of those spoofs like Scary Movie, Date Movie, etc. You know, totes Oscar-worthy. [E!]
• Is there a James Bond curse? A stuntman is fighting for his life after crashing an Alfa Romeo into a truck while filming a chase scene. This is the third on-set accident this week. Fear not! Daniel Craig was not harmed. [Mirror]
• Oh, but production on the film as been suspended while the accident is investigated. [Perez Hilton]
• I've heard this before but maybe you haven't: Ashton Kutcher has webbed toes. [The Sun]
• "I think people are learning to actually aspire to be objectified. It's like the highest form of flattery for teenage girls. The culture we live in right now seems to reward behavior that we used to frown upon. We used to teach our daughters not to be like this. I think in the '80s, there would certainly have been a little bit of snobbery expressed if somebody admitted to getting a full Brazilian bikini wax. A circle of friends would be like, 'What are you, a porn star?'" — Christina Ricci. [MSNBC]

• Will Heath Ledger earn an Academy Award for his role as the Joker in The Dark Knight? That's the buzz coming out of his native Australia. [News.com.au]
  
• Pete Doherty setting young heroin addicts straight on a new TV show? With music-based therapy sessions? Verdict: Maybeshambles. [Sydney Morning Herald]
  
• Amy Winehouse took a cab home but couldn't pay for it. Anybody got a tenner? [TMZ]
  
• George Clooney is putting pressure on Olympic supplier Omega watches to make a stand against China's lax Darfur policy. This gossip column calls it the Sexiest Scolding Alive. [Rush & Molloy]

• Britney Spears is all anime in her new video for "Break The Ice." She looks kind of like she could be Sailor Moon's mom. [People]
• Audrina from The Hills will join the Pussycat Dolls on stage in Vegas to celebrate the new season of her show. Don't you wish your girlfriend was marginally-famous like me? [People]
• Nick Lachey will executive producing a pilot for an MTV reality show that's a version of the '80s show and movie Fame. The show will focus on students at the School for Creative and Performing Arts in Cincinnati, Lachey's alma mater. I wanna live forever, I wanna learn how to fly: High. [People]
• Neil Patrick Harris on Britney's role on his show, How I Met Your Mother: "I was shocked that Madame Spears was willing to come and do some acting... What if she shows up on set and she is absolutely, totally normal and that whole thing has been a big ruse?" [ET]
• Lisa Kudrow is remaking a British TV show called Who Do You Think You Are in which celebrities delve into their ancestry. Genealogy TV? Genius! [The Sun]
• John Mayer keeps Xanax on hand just in case: "There are these incidental kinds of loopholes in my brain, where the wires can cross for a second and the hard drive crashes," he explains. [Page Six]
• Owen Wilson jumped across a pool (?!) at a party in Miami, but when a photographer snapped a shot of the actor, Owen flipped and yelled at the guy to "erase those pictures right now." The event photographer complied but says, "A lot of friends and clients were there and that looked so bad for me." [Page Six]
• Lindsay Lohan's father Michael has criticized Dina for for having a reality show, but he's been pitching a male version of The View with fellow born-again Stephen Baldwin. So far, no takers; wonder why! [Page Six]
• Does Paula Abdul hate sweets? She went to dinner with five friends; they ordered dessert; Paula had the desserts sent back to the kitchen. [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which middle-age Lothario famous for playing a small-screen love interest has been using his renewed fame to land very young women? One recent hookup was all of 16 years old." [Gatecrasher]
• During her induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Madonna was forced to watch footage of her career in a retrospective. "Oh, look at my eyebrows," she sighed. "Oh, stop, stop!" [Rush & Molloy]
• Is Madonna's new song about Guy Ritchie? Lyrics: "You love me more miles apart/I love you, but we are at our best miles away/When you are gone you realise I'm the best thing that happened to you." [Mirror]
• Andy Dick, reeking of booze and groping girls? Just like old times! It's kind of comforting to know that some things never change. [Rush & Molloy]
• Ivanka Trump says that story about sending someone to polish the nails of her wax figure is total bullshit, since she doesn't even have a wax figure at Madame Tussaud's. How do these rumors get started? Is Ashton Kutcher behind it all? [TMZ]
• The Insider's Pat O'Brien: Out of rehab. [TMZ]
• Was America's Next Top Model winner Jaslene denied entrance to a Snoop Dogg party? Fo shizzle. [TMZ]
• Ugh, is Kathie Lee Gifford going to be the new co-host of the 10:00 hour of the Today show? Yuck. Say it ain't so. [TMZ]
• Josh Hartnett went to go see DJ AM spin at a club in New York but discovered that he was two weeks late. Did he stay to hang out with some girls and have drinks anyway? You bet. [Page Six]
• Cameron Diaz and Jason Patric star in a new Nick Cassavetes flick in which a former district attorney (Diaz) and her fireman husband (Patric) who are sued by their 13-year-old daughter (Abigail Breslin) for emancipation. [Reuters]
• Actress Samantha Morton told a court she lived in terror of a childhood friend who began stalking her. Damn, this woman has been through a lot. [Mirror]
• Jodie Foster: Also has a stalker, who mailed a bomb threat to an L.A. airport. Jeez. [Reuters]
• Elizabeth Hurley quit movies, but you probably didn't notice, since she admits "I really do very little film work at all." [The Times Of India]
• Girls Gone Wild douche Joe Francis goes to court in Florida today regarding filming underage girls. Will he get the book thrown at him? [Page Six]
• Here's a picture of Beyoncé in a blonde wig, playing Etta James in the film Cadillac Records. [Mirror]
• Ginger Spice helped saved the life of a girl in a coma by singing to her! Jessica Knight, 14, had been stabbed 30 times; Geri Halliwell sang to her and Jessica started moving her arms and legs. The next day, she opened her eyes. Girl powah! [Sydney Morning Herald]

So knocking our inability to fake isn't really gonna get us off! We asked our friends. In bed some of them curse, some of them try really hard to remember to say the name of their partners, others use that time to acknowledge the existence of a deity, and some of us scream out of habit from years spent faking it. But alone, most of us sound like, "Unnnnnnuhhhhnnnh." The sound of an actual orgasm is pretty whatevs.

50 Things Men Wish You Knew [Men's Health]

• A broken-hearted and cheated-on Kate Moss has reached the "mid-level arson" point of the 7 stages of grief. [The Sun]
  
• Child Protective Services visited Britney Spears' home three times last week and proclaimed it unsafe. It took three visits to determine this? What, the hypodermic needles and fridge full of rotting In-N-Out and pills didn't do the trick? Anyway she's living at a hotel with her bodyguard boyfriend now. [Page Six]
  
• Remember that super-tasteful, low-key Memorial Day BBQ Ralph Lauren had to celebrate his new fragrance? Yeah it didn't go down so well with the endangered species population. [Page Six]

• Hollywood wants to stop paying residuals. (Residuals = the reason Wilmer Valderrama gets laid.) [NY Times]
• OK Magazine paid $400,000 for the Minnillo-Lachey sex pics — only to tell everyone they're not running them just keeping them around for blackmail purposes. Blueballs! [Gatecrasher]

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"TMZ has learned that the rest of the roll shows the two not only making out, but having hardcore sex in the hot tub."

Yeah, don't answer that.

Nick and Nessa's Hardcore SeXXX Pic Scandal! [TMZ]
Related: "Erotic" sex

Welcome to Midweek Madness, our weekly binge on the sort of celebrity content we usually try so fastidiously to avoid every other day of the week. In which we "read" the Wednesday tabs. So you don't "have" to.

Us Weekly ("100% Paris Free!")
•Cover story: "Hollywood Baby Album!" Us clearly put a Herculean effort into coming up with Paris substitutes this week, starting with this eleven-page spread on Hollywood babies — the very definition of "filler topic"! A semi-creepy "My Life So Far!" sidebar on baby Suri (page 45) is written in Suri's imagined first-person voice.
•Although week's "hot story" for all of the magazines was Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake's romantic Scandinavian getaway (pages 30-31). Us isn't as dick-sucky towards Timberlake as the rest of the tabs — early to the backlash, wethinks? — noting that he "turns women into Debbie Downers" and that he threw a tantrum in Sweden when some fans asked him to pose for pictures with them.
•Us also sports a preview of an upcoming interview with Nicole Richie in Nylon (page 56), which is a more refined twist on the "exclusive about an exclusive" feature. Nylon — unlike Atlanta Peach and Genre two magazines whose "exclusives" are reported "exclusively" this week by Page Six — is a magazine we have actually heard of.
•More filler! "Us Investigates" probes deep into the minds of 100 women at Rockefeller Center as to whether they would "rather date Prince Harry or Prince William" (66% said William!); "Have Michael Lohan or Joe Simpson as your dad?" (78% said Simpson, because making inappropriate comments about his daughter's tits is a lot classier than securities fraud!); and "Share custody with David Hasselhoff or K-Fed?" (63% said K-Fed). (Pages 58-61.)
•In more substantive content (not!) Us brings in the big guns of Hulk Hogan to declare "winners" in celebrity feuds (pages 62-63). [SPOILER ALERT: Tom Cruise beats Germany, Samantha Ronson beats Candy Spelling and Elizabeth Hasselbeck beats Rosie on grounds of "Rosie isn't a true friend."] A "bonus section" features LeAnn Rimes' "Hot-Weather Hairstyles" (pages 64-65), which, in our opinion, beats Paris news any fucking day of the week!

Star
•Cover Story: "Hollywood Baby Secrets!" (pages 48-55). More baby filler stories, which include the following huge secrets: Britney might not be the most mature mom (page 50) and Angelina lets Shiloh suck on a diamond-encrusted pacifier (page 52), because nothing says "I Am Africa" like a pacifier mined by child slaves!
•Meanwhile, on page 47, Star reports on more details of Timberlake's tantrum in Sweden, which involved the tossing of water bottles ping-pong balls and spitting on fans who had gathered below his hotel room. Jessica Biel reportedly "watched in horror" but she's still gonna stick with the asshole because this is pretty much the only thing her career is riding on right now.
•In its strangest story Star reports on an AIDS-related, health-coverage scandal in Florida we'd never heard about (page 38). It is, according to an "insider" at the AIDS Healthcare Foundation, "the kind of stuff that has Hollywood up in arms." Too bad it, uh, doesn't! The story quotes nary a celebrity, celebrity representative, celebrity flak or Hollywood "insider" professing "outrage" over the scandal, which basically amounts to Florida Governor Charlie Crist awarding a health care contract to a for-profit health care firm.

In Touch
•Cover Story: "World Exclusive! Inside Tom and Kate's Marriage!" (pages 36-39). Could Kate [That's better -Ed.] and Tom actually be living normal and happy lives together? Could Suri's cuteness factor be the reason that the celeb weeklies have decided to flip their opinion on the couple? Or did the editors at In Touch decide to suck it up already and try Scientology? Also, what's up with Katie's [Here we go again. -Ed.] new haircut? It's pretty, right? But isn't it weird when ladies get their hair cut suddenly after having babies?
•Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie's rivalry is back because they're both promoting products at the same time! This could only mean that they are still at each other's throats about Brad Pitt! (Pages 40-43.)
•Shar Jackson gives In Touch an exclusive denying her pregnancy rumors (pages 26-27). Can someone explain to us how this can be "exclusive" when Shar already filed a lawsuit against Star denying the selfsame pregnancy, and lawsuits are public documents, so it's like "exclusively" between her and ALL OF AMERICA? Must be that video of Shar "taking the test" at intouchweekly.com! Wow. It's really hard to make Britney Spears seem classy, but Shar really excels at it.
•Speaking of classy, In Touch documents stars' boobs from smallest to largest (pages 72-73) by guesstimating their sizes with the aid of some dude from The Swan and a random gynecologist. Bonus! Includes the famously creepy quote from Joe Simpson on his daughter's massive sweater puppies!

Life & Style
•Cover Story: "Angie vs. Brad's Family: It's War!" (Pages 28-31). Uh, in case you glossed over the news reported for the past three weeks in the celeb weeklies, Life & Style is here to spell it out for you: Brad Pitt's mom likes his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston! A lot! They hung out recently! At Jen's house! We'd feel like we'd read this same Angie-is-jealous-of-Jen story fifteen times now save for the new sidebar of, "Meanwhile, Jen's Dating" (page 31).
•Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo were photographed nekkid in a hot tub in Mexico, where they went to escape all the media attention from those Lindsay knifeplay photos. (page 24-27). (Question: Why is "knife play" a phrase that just sort of rolls off our keyboards now? Is this even a real thing?) So we guess this means Nick forgave her, right? We can just sort of see him saying, all cheesy-like and whispery: "Next time some sexy photos of you wind up on the internets, baby, it's going to be pulling MY clothes off, got it?" Ugh. Puke.
•Ashlee Simpson spent a reported eight-hours at a salon (pages 52-53), which is controversial because she shouldn't neglect her very promising career in... whatever the hell it is she does!
•Lastly, it looks like the ombudsman over Life & Style is still upholding the validity of Spencer Pratt as a news subject. Who knows, you know: People made fun of the Washington Post for pursuing that two-bit burglary for so long; maybe The Hills is their Watergate! At any rate, Spencer's silicone-stuffed girlfriend Heidi Montag pops up on page 64 (get it? "pops up"?), while Spencer-nemesis and Teen Vogue cover-girl Lauren Conrad is dissed as a "Style Slipup" (page 81) by the likes of Road Rules "star" Theo Von. Ouch!