Las Vegas, October 11. Image via Getty.

[Las Vegas, October 7. Image via Splash.]

[New York, September 4. Image via INFDaily.]

• Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham was on a plane with kids Romeo and Cruz when a bird flew into one the of the aircraft's engines right before take-off. According to The Sun, "Passengers screamed as the pilot slammed on the brakes and the plane screeched to a halt. It was then that the horrifying scale of the disaster really hit home for Victoria — she realised she was wearing standard-issue aircraft pyjamas and no make-up." [The Sun]
• Amy Winehouse hit her own damn bodyguard. Get a grip, girl! [The Sun]
• And here's a man who says Amy Winehouse punched him in the face three times at a pub. Is this new news? It's so hard to tell. [The Sun]
• Jamie Lynn Spears and new baby! Picture! [ONTD, via OK!]
• Is Mary-Kate Olsen heading back to rehab? Midweek Madness will have more on this later. [Star]

• Madonna is pissed that lawyers are saying her relationship with Alex Rodriguez is "an affair of the heart." [The Sun]
• The New York Post points out: "Yesterday's Times reported, 'Madonna has denied having an affair with Rodriguez.' In actuality, the hair-splitting statement issued in her name said she is 'not romantically involved with [Alex] Rodriguez.' As many readers of this newspaper know, you don't have to be romantically involved to have an affair." [Page Six]
• When Lenny Kravitz learned he was being accused of having an extramarital affair with Alex Rodriguez's wife, Cynthia, he "looked like he was going to throw up," according to a witness. Apparently Lenny fired Guy Oseary, who then planted the Cynthia Rodriguez story in retaliation. Messy! [Page Six]
• Alex Rodriguez was seen having lunch with Rabbi Michael Berg, the director of the Kabbalah Centre. What does it all meeaaaaaaaaaaan? [People]
• The Britney/Madonna video will be "very deep." [ONTD]
• Matthew McConaughey's little surfer dude is named Levi Alves McConaughey. [DListed]
• Jessica Simpson is "deeply hurt" by Pam Anderson calling her a "bitch and a whore" for wearing a T-shirt that read "Real Girls Eat Meat." [MSNBC]
• The Christie Brinkley divorce case chugs along. A shrink thinks Christie and Peter Cook both need therapy. [Fox News]
• But! Between the two, the psychiatrist thinks Christie is the one who should get custody. Because Peter Cook is a narcissist with a bottomless ego, blah blah blah. [Yahoo News]
• Nashville, TN is having a moment: Nicole Kidman gave birth there, Miley Cyrus, who grew up there, is also filming a movie in town; Sheryl Crow, Jack White and Kid Rock all own homes in Nashville. [Yahoo News]
• There will not, repeat, NOT, be a Friends movie. You may return to your regularly scheduled ennui. [Perez Hilton]
• Nick Cannon proposed to Mariah Carey twice! First when they were hanging out on her rooftop, he hid a 17-carat diamond inside a candy ring pop. A few days later, "He sort of kidnapped me and took me on a helicopter ride," she says. "Then he re-proposed." She spills this in the new Elle magazine. She's on the cover next to a line that reads, "Feeling broke?" Compared to Mariah I am, thanks! [People]
• Oprah's show helped the DVD of the BBC show Planet Earth sell 3m copies worldwide. She should be in the dictionary under "juggernaut." [Financial Times]
• David Lee Roth almost died! He was in anaphylactic shock due to a nut allergy when cops pulled him over for speeding. Now I'm gonna have "Just A Gigolo" stuck in my head. Ayyyyy ain't got nooooo body… [Perez Hilton]
• Will Pete Doherty and Kate Moss get back together? Apparently they've been "swapping hot texts." [Mirror]
• The news that Chris Martin loves changing diapers is almost as boring as a Coldplay song. [The Sun]
• Twenty-year-old model Lily Cole: Went out with thirty-five year-old Jude Law recently; is now seeing rocker Bryan Ferry, 62. The Mail says, "He's old enough to be your granddad!" [Daily Mail]
• The Balthazar Getty/Sienna Miller affair continues, and now they're in Italy… as is Balthazar's wife. [Page Six]
• Kathie Lee Gifford: Seen using some sort of exercise device in the ladies room of a New York city restaurant. [Page Six]
• Russell Simmons is on the market! Porschia Coleman, the lady he was dating when his wife Kimora filed for divorce, is now out of the picture. Brown, leggy model? You could be next! [Page Six]
• Kirsten Dunst: Seen making out with a downtown DJ. [Page Six]
• The previously discussed Jimi Hendrix sex tape will hit very soon. Are you experienced? [Rush & Molloy]
• Kinda lame blind item: "Which chummy-seeming reality-show hosts can't stand each other off-camera?" [Rush & Molloy]
• Another beauty queen with "embarrassing" photos! This time it's Elyse Umemoto, Miss Washington 2007. She's just like, flipping off the camera, holding booze and making "suggestive oral sex gang signs." [TMZ]
• "George is a great guy, a wonderful person. I don't regret spending time with him, and he's a great person to get to know. We still remain friends and have kept in touch. In fact, we spoke over the phone a couple of days ago. He's fun to be around, down to earth, laid back, funny and smart. Most people know George has a great sense of humor and is an adept storyteller, but I will always miss his extraordinary dance moves." — Sarah Larson. [L.A. Times]
• "Who doesn't feel the pressure in this business? You can't be in it as a woman and not be mowed down by these things. You can either submit - or just get mad and defy it! I don't work out. I am fatter than any movie star you have ever met! But, you know, I don't care! My oldest daughter is an actress and the pressure on her to remain really, really, really thin, to be glamorous is intense. To be at openings and wearing couture and having people throw borrowed clothing and borrowed jewellery at her like she is a mannequin, just to sell other people's crap. It is too bad. It doesn't really enhance your ability to do the job." — Meryl Streep. [Mirror]

• Madonna speaks! "My husband and I are not planning on getting a divorce. I know Alex Rodriguez through Guy Oseary, who manages both of us. I brought my kids to a Yankee game. I am not romantically involved in any way with Alex Rodriguez. I have nothing to do with the state of his marriage or what spiritual path he may choose to study." [People]
• And yet! Alex Rodriguez's wife has left him. A source says: "The embarrassment over Madonna was the last straw. She flew to Paris to get out of town before everything blew up between them. There is no affair with Lenny Kravitz. They are good friends." [People]
• This report says Guy Ritchie wants the marriage to work for Rocco's sake. Apparently he loves Rocco "the most." A source says: "He absolutely adores Lourdes and David and has always treated them as if they were his own. But Rocco is Guy's flesh and blood." [Sunday Mirrror]
• Madonna's brother's book says Madge kissed Gwyneth Paltrow on the lips at a Donatella Versace party, which, frankly, is not so shocking. [The Sun]
• Model Lily Cole and Jude Law: It's on. And she spent the night. [Mirror]
• By the by! Jude is 35 and Lily is 20. [ONTD]
• Christina Applegate's boyfriend, Lee Grivas, was found dead in his apartment last week. The 26-year-old had a history of drug abuse. [Fox News]

• Is Britney Spears "getting close to" Mel Gibson's son Edward? [Mirror]
• Britney and Madonna made a video that will be part of the backdrop during Madonna's Sticky and Sweet tour. And Brit MIGHT join Her Madgesty on stage! [The Sun]
• Diddy almost didn't make it into his own 4th of July party in East Hampton — the parking lot was too crowded. The humanity! [Page Six]
• Did Nicole Richie get kicked out of the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas for being rowdy? (Her rep says no. But something happened.) [TMZ]
• Amy Winehouse performed in front of tens of thousands of people in Spain — with a glass of red wine in her hand. Cheers! [AP]
• Amy Winehouse hit (another) fan. This time a guy was trying to take her picture — but pinched her bottom. [The Sun]
• The picture of Blake Fielder-Civil doing heroin in his jail cell is like deja-vu all over again. [The Sun]
• Christie Brinkley on the chick who had an affair with her husband: "I feel bad for her and I forgive her completely." [People]
• The person she does not forgive is her husband, duh. His lawyer says, "I think it's pretty clear she's doing this out of revenge." [People]
• Kanye West is kind of pissed that when Harper's Bazaar came to his home, they assumed that the painting of a black angel on his ceiling is actually a painting of Kanye with wings. Says Kanye: "People think I'm so so so cocky that I would have something like that… Why didn't they write that my house had no pics of me, no plaques or awards, just art." A better question: Why assume that because the angel is black, it's Kanye? Does the mag think all angels are blonde, blue-eyed cherubs? [Kanye Universecity]
• Morrissey's cool, but it's kind of mean that he doesn't think Kylie Minogue deserves the Order of the British Empire she received recently. [Daily Express]
• Jim Carrey hit the beach in Malibu with Jenny McCarthy — wearing Jenny McCarthy's swimsuit. Which is supposedly hilarious. [The Sun]
• This George Clooney Martini ad is seven or eight different kinds of awesome. Shannyn Sossamon's cute; George is sofa king cool. [De Standaard]
• Another commercial to have a crush on: Tina Fey and Marty Scorsese for American Express. "I love those warm nuts." [Beam.TV]
• Nick Cannon says marriage to Mariah Carey is "the best thing that ever happened to me." No shit! [People]
• Sorry, but this trainwreck of an interview with Ranae Shrider, the lady on the Verne Troyer sex tape, is too awful not to share: "I'd lie on the bed and Verne would crawl up my legs to have sex with me," she says. "And as he did it his feet would be tickling my knees! It wasn't quite as passionate as sex with a normal-sized man but he did his best. He didn't wear a condom. There was no point, they're all too big. On the whole though, he wasn't short of sexy skills and tried his hardest to make up in technique what he lacked in size." [News Of The World]
• Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong went shopping with the kids — his and hers. Moving right along! [The Sun]
• Chloe Sevigny hearts Sonic Youth. [Page Six]
• Hot hottie David Annable of Brothers and Sisters says riding a motorcycle is like having sex: '"You can't be too aggressive but can't be overcautious." [Page Six]
• Snoop Dogg starring in a Bollywood music video makes perfect sense somehow. [Page Six]
• Usher's record sales are meh, so he might re-hire his mom as his manager. What will his wife say about that? [Rush & Molloy]
• Lynda Carter, aka Wonder Woman, says she used to be an alcoholic. "I needed help — I begged God in heaven to help me figure this out," she says. She's been sober for 10 years. [UPI]
• "I'm going to dedicate a song to my very, very, very, very, VERY pregnant wife!" —Keith Urban, before singing his hit, "Better Half." [People]
• Oh, apparently Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are planning a baptism ceremony in Sydney for their unborn child. [Sydney Morning Herald]
• Jamie-Lynn Sigler will be on three episodes of Entourage, playing herself… and maybe a love interest for one of the boys. Wanna bet it's Drama or Turtle? [E!]
• The new 90210 will have a new Peach Pit, but maybe with the same old Nat inside. [Yahoo News]
• Bindi Irwin has her own doll, which comes with binoculars, a camera, a cockatoo, a wombat and a python. [AP]
• Susan Olsen, aka Cindy Brady, was so hungover on some radio show that she had to rush out and puke. There's video, sorta. [CNN]
• City leaders in Malibu are trying to restrict the paparazzi in the area — the number has tripled; they're tailing celebrities on highways and once councilman says it's a "chaotic situation that keeps on getting worse." [Reuters]
• Former Bachelor star Andrew Firestone married a Serbian model on Saturday. Try to seem interested. [US Magazine]
• For her new show, Kath & Kim, Selma Blair says: "I let myself go a little. I didn't get fat, because that would sound wrong. I'm never going to be a big girl — I'm just a little floppy. It's hard going to the gym. It hurts. And it hurts when you don't see results. There's mirrors all over the gym!" [LA Times]

Us
This cover, showing a beaming Michelle and Barack Obama emblazoned with the words "Why Barack Loves Her," is perhaps part of the subtle image makeover we referred to earlier. Us seems very concerned with portraying the clearly awesome Michelle as a non-threatening soccer mom, and more importantly, differentiating her from Hillary. Says a friend: "[Michelle] is not the least bit interested in being a co-president or participating in policy decisions…Her first priority as a first lady would be that the girls are OK, and to continue to be the outstanding mother that she is." We always go straight to Us for astute political coverage. In other news, Hollywood wags think Katherine Heigl's career will be fine despite her ankling the Emmys. Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee are back together for the umpteenth time. They're like Bobby and Whitney but with exponentially more body modification. Finally, here's some news for all the hipsters out there: supermodel Helena Christensen has been "cozying up" to Interpol lead singer Paul Banks for over six months!
Grade: C (a timeshare in Cleveland)

In Touch
Rut roh! Angelina and Brad's CRISIS AT HOME in huge pink letters! They have a lot of babies, it's exhausting, it's possibly pulling them apart, and so on, and so forth. The only good part of this four page spread is the sidebar where Dr. Drew gives Angelina the business about her whole Mother Theresa routine. "I've never seen anyone remit heroin completely," Dr. Drew said. "Is she in recovery? If she's in recovery, I don't seen any evidence of it, because people in recovery invest themselves in simple, selfless acts of service, not global self-serving acts." Burn!!! On to matters of life and death: Did Mariah Carey have plastic surgery? Survey says: Probs. Her yo-yo dieting is well known and after her most recent weight loss, she has mysterious, Tara Reid-reminiscent ripples on her tummy. The liposuction of Mimi! Bret Michaels bonded with Sherri Shepherd when he went on The View because they both have diabeetus, but he wants to do it with Elisabeth Hasselbeck. "Barbara Walters was pretty hot," Bret admitted, "but Elisabeth Hasslebeck and me, I'm just telling her, if her husband ever falls out of the picture…" Scariest tabloid news of the week: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt spent $10,000 on guns because Spencer wants to be "prepared for anything." Can't wait for the Branch Davidianish FBI raid on the Speidi compound…
Grade: C+ (an unheated shack on the coast of Maine)

Star
More Brangelina business. Angie has panic attacks due to the stress of her pregnancy and Shiloh's terrible twos. Apparently she's worried about how she's going to handle "two more needy little ones in an already chaotic household." Uh, probably with the army of nannies she already employs. Miley Cyrus reportedly gets thousands of love letters from prisoners, "who claim they've taped her picture up in their cells." Creepy to the max!! Was Matthew McConaughey macking on strange ladies during a recent trip to Nicaragua while his super-pregs girlfriend Camilla Alves languished at home? If the photos are any indication (see Fig. A below), the answer is yes. An amused onlooker tells Star, "He grabbed the DJ's microphone, crawled onto a table and screamed 'I lost my flip-flops!' in broken Spanish!" Britney and Jamie Lynn are none too pleased about mom Lynne's forthcoming memoir, Through The Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World, which includes such revelations as Britney bit her nails as a kid. Shocking! And lastly, Jen wants boyfriend of thirty seconds John Mayer to marry her, but he's not down. Hmm, sounds dubious.
Grade: D+ (a metal trailer in Death Valley)

Ok!
Jeebus. Even more Angelina news. This time she's not stressed. In fact, she's so into all her babies, Ok! says, she's looking to adopt another boy. She'll get the lucky young tyke from the same Ethiopian orphanage where she found wee Zahara. Ange wants to "balance the races" in her household and since Maddox has Pax, now it's "Z's turn." Speaking of babies, Britney will charter a jet to Kentwood, Louisiana, the second lil' sis Jamie goes into labor. There are rumblings that Prince William and on-again, off-again flame Kate Middleton will be married next summer. Why did Anne Hathaway stay with scuzzy Raffaello Follieri for so long? Because he's a baaaad boy, of course. "[Women] believe that if we are wonderful enough, beautiful enough or sexy enough, we will cure them of their bad ways, and make ourselves all the more beautiful," Dr. Jenn Berman tells Ok!. Ugh. In other douche-dating news, David Spade says "girls date me because I'm normal." Good to know.
Grade: D- (a motel room on Three Mile Island)

Life & Style
Just when you thought she was getting better, L&S dredges up some old dirt: Britney tried to off herself twice, says a new book. Ian Halperin, an investigative journalist who is writing a bio of Brit tells L&S, "I can't divulge too much, but I will say the suicide attempts are true. I know all the details of both of them>" The book is also about how "sleazy and destructive" her handlers were, and how Britney is obsessed with Marilyn Monroe's tragic fate. The formerly self-destructive Nicole Richie is "back to her old ways" and is losing weight. She and Joel madden are fighting a lot and she's stressed out by baby Harlow. Unlike Nicole Richie, another Nicole (Kidman) is trying to gain weight. She thinks her baby bump is too small and wishes it were bigger. She also wishes that her jugs were bigger. Are Mariah and Nick already on the rocks? "I give the marriage six months, tops," says an insider.
Grade: D- (a teepee in Chernobyl)

Fig. A:

• Ellen DeGeneres is so psyched about the California Supreme Court ruling regarding gay marriage that she's gonna get hitched to longtime love Portia de Rossi. Woohoo! It would be kind of awesome if they did it on TV. And then danced! [TMZ]
  
• Pregnant Angelina Jolie will be looking "sexy" on the July cover of Vanity Fair; she was shot by Patrick Demarchelier. Wonder if he'll have her Photoshopped? [Page Six]
  
• Click here if you need info on Angelina's tattoos. [Sydney Morning Herald]
  
• Angelina will probably give birth in France, FYI. [USA Today]
  
• Angelina's dad Jon Voight is all riled up over Israel: "God gave this land to the Jewish people; they shouldn't be giving it away," he says. But, um, Voight is not Jewish. [Mirror]
  
• "If I punched every bitch who called me fat, it would be dead bitches all up and down the highway." — Star Jones. [Page Six]

• Just two weeks after marrying Mariah Carey, Nick Cannon is driving a new car: the $120,000 Maserati Quattroporte. Did Drumline profits pay for it? [TMZ]
• Ali Lohan swears that even though sister Lindsay hangs with Sam Ronson, she is not a lezebel. "They're best friends. They're just friends. It's pathetic what people say," Ali claims. [Perez Hilton]
• Here's a book for your Amazon wish list: Hollywood Babylon: It's Back has full-frontal nudes of stars like Mick Jagger, Daniel Radcliffe, Ewan McGregor, John Malkovich, James Woods and Richard Gere. Plus! Stories about the size of other actors; Johnny Depp was known as "donkey dick" and an art student who sketched Sean Connery years ago swears, "It was the biggest I've ever seen. It made me drop my charcoal pencil." [Rush & Molloy]
• As previously reported, Britney Spears and Mel Gibson are on vacay together in Costa Rica. Also along for the adventure are Brit's dad Jamie and Mel's wife Robin, as well as some "unidentified youngsters." Apocalypto! [E!]
• An L.A. band says there's a Miley Cyrus song that sounds suspiciously like one of theirs. Miley's rep says, "She doesn't write the songs - she sings them. We have referred this to Disney." Ah, well, okay then. [Page Six]
• Hulk Hogan has written letters to the court trying to get his son Nick a softer sentence; Hulk says Nick isn't the wild kid people see on TV because their reality show "is scripted." [TMZ]
• American Idol alum Taylor Hicks will join the cast of Grease on Broadway. [ET]
• Duran Duran are in the news! They rerouted their world tour to perform for Deutsche Bank staffers; then the show got canceled. Now they're hungry like the wolf. Don't say a prayer for them now, save it til the morning after. [Mirror]
• Sheryl Crow has a new boyfriend; he's a restauranteur and pilot from Alabama. He can fly home the bacon and fry it up in a pan. [MSNBC]
• Movie-industry private investigator Anthony Pellicano has been found guilty of conspiracy after wiretapping and harassing a string of celebrities, including Garry Shandling, Kevin Nealon, Sylvester Stallone and Keith Carradine. [Portfolio]
• Rapper DMX has pleaded not guilty to felony drug possession and misdemeanor animal cruelty charges. [Yahoo News]
• Jury selection is complete in the trial of R. Kelly! Maybe the trial will finally begin? [Mirror]
• Ryan Kavanaugh, the executive producer of 21, smitten with Natalie Portman? What will Devendra Banhart say? [Page Six]
• Kanye West performed with four topless dancers wearing space helmets and made $1 million. [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which TV legend likes to play dirty in the bedroom? The larger-than-life fella ties up his conquests with bathrobes - and takes breaks from "satisfying" the girls only to snort piles of coke." [Rush & Molloy]
• Lil' Kim won $500,000 in a lawsuit against a former fellow Junior M.A.F.I.A. member. That kind of cash will get her some nice fingernails. [Vibe]
• Dennis Rodman has been charged with battery and domestic violence after allegedly hitting his girlfriend last month in an L.A. hotel. Rodman is currently in a rehab facility, but he told TMZ "I've never hit anyone." [TMZ]
• Kelly Osbourne has a new boyfriend named Luke. [Mirror]
• "The handbags alone were heavenly. I'm a handbag girl, so I was just salivating. Every time a new purse came into the wardrobe room I'd get so excited. People would walk in with arms full of bags, just trying to decide which one my character should use that day. Just flipping through them, one more beautiful than the next. I was stunned... Next time I will make sure I put a clause into my contract that I get to keep all my purses." — Jennifer Hudson, on the Sex And The City movie. [Mirror]

• Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo: Dunzo! [TMZ]
  
• OMG. Was Joel Madden flirting with Lindsay Lohan? Apparently Nicole Richie was home with the baby and Joel was out when Paris Hilton sent Nic a text: "Lindsay was all over Joel!" Nicole tried calling and Joel didn't pick up. Is this how it's gonna be? [Star]
  
• Lindsay Lohan's father thinks someone is supplying LL with drugs and Janet Charlton has posted a picture of LL with Samantha Ronson with the words, "Michael, the answer could be right under your nose - or better still, Lindsay's nose." [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]
  
• Is Mariah Carey pregnant? Apparently someone from her camp called famed L.A. baby boutique Petit Trésor and asked about (wait for it...) butterflies. [Rush & Molloy]
  
• Mariah and new hubby Nick rented out Six Flags Magic Mountain last night so they could have a wedding celebration with their homies. Roller coasters? Just like MC's "Fantasy" video. Which came out in 1995. When Mariah was 25. And Nick Cannon was 15. Not that it matters. [TMZ]
  
• Oh, wait: Nick had the theme park shut down as a surprise for Mariah. That is sweet. These two just might melt your cold cold heart. [ET]
  
• John Mayer had a show in Orlando last night and totally kissed Jennifer Aniston backstage between songs. [People]

• Did Kim Cattrall and Sarah Jessica Parker avoid each other at the Sex And The City premiere after-party?
• Britney Spears hit a red Ford Explorer last night. Just a fender-bender. [TMZ]
• And Britney's "tummy" looks "swollen" so now there are pregnancy rumors. Same old, same old. [Mirror]
• Pete Doherty played his first post-jail gig last night and thanked fans for their support while he was inside. It would have been awesome if he'd started playing Johnny Cash's "Folsom Prison Blues." [Mirror]
• Uh-oh: David Thomson, Canada's richest man, has split with his fiancée, former O.C. actress Kelly Rowan, just weeks after she gave birth to his child. WTF. [Rush & Molloy]
• Blind item! "Which star of an upcoming blockbuster flick is a huge cad despite his image as a family man? Word is the actor is getting a little too touchy-feely with the ladies." [Rush & Molloy]
• Some conservative media whatchmacallit doesn't like Barbara Walters spilling her guts about her adulterous affair in her new book. "Barbara Walters is a shameless media whore," says Marc Dice of The Resistance. "Barbara has now sunk to the very level of other attention-starved celebrities such as Paris Hilton or even Steve-O from 'Jackass.'" Yeah... No.[Page Six]
• Ashley Olsen was seen on a date with an actor named Justin Bartha. Just so you know. [Page Six]
• Someone crushed Amanda Peet's baby stroller on an Amtrak train on Mother's Day. Boo. [Page Six]
• Does Diddy drink his own vodka, or does he prefer Malibu rum and pineapple? [Page Six]
• Two members of the '60s group The Turtles are suing Capitol Records over an Ice Cube song that samples their tunes. Cube's gonna have to shell out some dough, heh heh. [TMZ]
• Jennie Garth has signed on for the 90210 remake; now Tori Spelling is in talks to join the cast. Donna Martin graduates! [People]
• This is an actual headline: "Brody, Spencer Rekindle Their Bromance." Blerg. Brody Jenner has signed on to star in his own "unscripted" MTV series and it's possible that Spencer Pratt could be on the show. And yeah, the show is called Bromance. Try not to hurl. [E!]
• Actor James Garner (The Rockford Files, The Notebook) was hospitalized after suffering a minor stroke. [E!]
• Carmen Electra and her new fiancé Rob Patterson are already on the rocks, yawn. [Perez Hilton]
• Madonna is copying Oprah! She plans to build a school for girls in Malawi. [Reuters]
• Marisa Miller, Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Biel are the hottest women in the world, according to the testosterone-fueled jackasses at Maxim. Just be blonde with big boobs and no hips or thighs and you, too can be on their pointless list. [People]
• Kim Kardashian and her siblings deny that they ran up more than $120,000 in charges on Brandy's credit card. This was back when Kim was a "stylist" and not whatever she is now. [People]
• Prepare yourself: Rumer Willis may be releasing a CD. [Perez Hilton]
• Ludacris went back to his old high school in Atlanta to find they'd painted his likeness in a mural and named the gym after him. [AP]
• Monty Python's John Cleese was ordered to pay his estranged wife £77,500 a month but he says his divorce from her is "worth every penny." [Telegraph]
• Is there another Marlon Brando love child? [Page Six]
• If you like Ed Westwick, Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass, you should click here. [ONTD]
• "All the men that like me are gay. It's true. I have a really strong gaydar. I do love gay men though." — Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham. [The Sun]

[New York, May 8. Images via Splash.]

• Mischa Barton claims she is a PhotoShop Of Horrors victim: A new batch of paparazzi beach shots showed her legs riddled with cellulite. "Those photos are doctored," Barton's rep, Lisa Perkins, says. "I'm not saying she's perfect, nobody is. But they've given a 22-year-old woman the legs and bottom of an 80-year-old." The pix were taken by the dude she's pissed at for snapping topless shots; the same one who ran Nicole Kidman off of the road. [Rush & Molloy]
  
• You can see the pictures here, with a regular paparazzi shot as well. Photoshop? [Daily Mail]
  
• Apparently Mariah Carey wanted a $3 million wedding with doves and orchids and Nick Cannon wanted to get married ASAP with no fuss. Mariah agreed because, as she has said, "We really do feel we are soulmates. I never felt a love like this was in the cards for me." Aww, that should be sweet but somehow it's fucking annoying. [Mirror]
  
• Lindsay Lohan: Seen doing shots of tequila with Lauren Conrad! LL turned her back so no one would see; unfortunately she was facing a window and the whole bar could see her reflection. Whoops! [Rush & Molloy]
  
• Meanwhile: You know how Lindsay had finally gotten a movie role? In that Manson Girls flick? Well she's been kicked off of the project. Producers "discovered that they couldn't find any name actresses who wanted to co-star with her," says Nikki Finke. [Deadline Hollywood via ONTD]

• It looks like officials in Malawi are all set to grant full adoption rights to Madonna. A document says: "Mr and Mrs Ritchie have shown a strong commitment in providing the infant with all essential needs like love, safe home environment, care, protection, material as well as emotional support." [Yahoo News]
• Jessica Simpson will be little sister Ashlee's maid of honor. At Ashlee's yet-to-be-scheduled wedding. [People]
• Jeremy Piven and Pink: Seen "all over each other" and "dancing really close." [Page Six]
• Alec Baldwin may want to switch careers. "In a matter of weeks, I'm going to be 50," he says. As long as he doesn't leave 30 Rock! [Page Six]
• Even though Tom Cruise told Oprah that he regrets his infamous argument on the Today show, Matt Lauer, Lauer says, "I don't think he needs to apologize. I don't feel there are any hard feelings. It was an interview. It was a good moment on television." Oh Matt. You're glib, Matt. Glib. [People]
• Jessica Alba challenges you to a staring contest. [People]
• Katie Holmes "has got the itch" to have another baby. Praise Xenu! [E!]
• Poor Uma Thurman may be in court again! Lancôme is suing Uma as a preemptive strike: Her contract as the face of the cosmetics company expired in 2005; yet her picture was seen in ads on Asian websites and on a Canadian billboard recently. [E!]
• Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt get their locks lightened by the same colorist. News you can use. [E!]
• Josh Brolin as George W. Bush. [E!]
• Daisy Lowe, 19, is loving hanging out with new boyfriend Mark Ronson, 32. Sigh. [Daily Mail via ONTD]
• Um, Chloe Lattanzi, daughter of Olivia Newton-John and contestant on Rock The Cradle, seems to have had quite a bit of collagen injected into her lips. And maybe a nose job. [ONTD]
• When Simon Cowell was a teenager, he hated school so much he was practically suicidal. He says, "I was so bored. I didn't like rules or discipline. So when someone said, 'These are the best days of your life' I actually thought about jumping off a bridge." [Mirror]
• Foxy Brown pleaded guilty to "menacing" a woman with her BlackBerry in 2007 and thereby avoided going on trial for assault. Time for a kinder, gentler Foxy! [Reuters]
• There is audio of the domestic violence 911 call involving Vanilla Ice, if you care to hear it. [The Superficial]
• Madonna is endorsing secondary ticket sales for her upcoming tour, which means if at first it seems like it's sold out, it might not be — if you have the cash. [Financial Times]
• Ashton Kutcher slept around before he met Demi Moore, surprise, surprise. [The Sun]
• Daniel Depp got his debut novel published, maybe because he is Johnny Depp's (half) brother? [Independent]
• Hot hottie Gary Dourdan of CSI has been charged with felony drug possession. Maybe I'm old but I remember him best as the gorgeous man in the Janet Jackson video. [Yahoo News]
• Rihanna kissing Chris Brown at KFC! LOL! [Concrete Loop]

There's Da Brat. She was reportedly at the nuptials:

• In her new memoir, Auditions, Baba Wawa gives the dirt on Star Jones' and Rosie O'Donnell's departures from the View; On Rosie: "The premise of 'The View' is that of a team working together, but for Rosie it was more like Diana Ross and the Supremes, as little by little she took over." [NYDN]
  
• The problem with Miss Jones was not just her diva behavior (though Walters et. al. were embarrassed about her fiasco of a wedding to Big Gay Al) it was that Star made her View-mates lie about her gastric bypass. Walters writes: "Joy [Behar], in particular, resented having to go along with a lie that implied all one needed to do was situps and ingest one cookie instead of two."[NYDN]
  
• The septuagenarian Babs is so scandalous! She also talks about her adulterous affair with Massachusetts Senator Edward Brooke, the first black Senator since reconstruction. [NYDN]
  
• Jimi Hendrix's sex tape? A hoax, cries the company that owns the rights to Jimi's music. Sigh. We'll always have Cynthia Plaster Caster. [Reuters]
  
• Marilyn Monroe's sex tape? The FBI cries fake! It's amazing how many stars can issue denials from the grave. [MSNBC]

• Speaking of fake naked Marilyns, Lilo's alleged lady love Sam Ronson is suing the lawyers she hired to sue Perez Hilton for defamation. Sam Ron says the lawyers "grossly overcharged" her. [TMZ]
• Miley Cyrus is skipping a Disney appearance in Orlando the wake of her Vanity Fair sorta nudie pics. She didn't want Mickey Mouse's ears to turn red. [Yahoo]
• Pete Doherty: getting out of the pokey today. The Babyshambles frontman spent 29 days in jail, and according to a friend, Petey will "go straight to play a gig — and then get smashed," upon his release. Oy. [The Sun]
• More on Star Jones! NBA star Dwyane Wade denied a romantic relationship with the much-older Jones, saying they're "just friends" on the TNT show Inside the NBA. Inside co-host and consummate gentleman Charles Barkley added, "I like Star. She's a cougar." [AP via Yahoo]
• Uma Thurman took the stand yesterday in a lawsuit against her stalker, Jack Jordan. Thurman said Jordan's persistent letters, phone calls and visits made her fear for her life. Poor Uma! [UPI]
• Pam Anderson Lee Rock Salomon is holding an estate sale for her Malibu pad before she retires to Vancouver. She is selling a jacuzzi, among other things. Might want to steer clear of it — I hear the skeeze of Rick Salomon is water soluble. [E! Online]
• The Mariah/ Nick Cannon wedding — reportedly no pre-nup! If Cannon ever tries to lay claim to Mariah's vast collection of Hello Kitties, you know she'll have her unicorn cut him. [Perez]
• Even though Britney still doesn't have custody of her kids, she will spend Mother's Day with wee Jayden James and Sean Preston. Aw. [MSNBC]
• This headline says it all: "Rob Lowe's ex-nanny discusses her countersuit, cries." [AP via Yahoo]

• Mariah Carey, 38, is engaged to Wild 'N Out star Nick Cannon, 27. Yeah, weird. Did you even know they knew each other? [Access Hollywood]
  
• And, um, the ring Nick gave Mariah is the same one he gave his former fiancé, Victoria's Secret model Selita Ebanks. That is just Tackée Harry. [Perez Hilton]
  
• Madonna humped Justin Timberlake in during her show at New York City's Roseland. The more things change, the more they stay the same, no? [E!]
  
• A second nanny in the Rob Lowe case has filed a cross complaint and it says that Rob's wife Sheryl sexually harassed her by walking around naked and asking about the size of the nanny's boyfriend's penis. (Apparently the boyfriend is a 7 foot former NBA player.) But yeah, from an employer? Ew. [TMZ]
  
• The nanny also says the wife was "perverted, disgusting and crude." [People]
  
• Meanwhile, Rob Lowe's lawyer says the allegations are false, obvs. [People]

• Michelle Williams and daughter Matilda have been "hounded out" of New York by continued harrassment from paparazzi. She's considering leaving her home in Brooklyn. [News.com.au]
• Amy Winehouse is now rumored to be sleeping with Babyshambles guitarist Mik Whitnall. So in addition to Blake Wood and Alex Haines, she's keeping busy while Blake Incarcerated is away. If these rumors are true, that is. [The Sun]
• John Mayer: Seen not flirting with girls. Maybe he's actually into Jennifer Aniston? [Page Six]
• Aww, Jen and John "already miss each other." Hey, whatever makes you happy. [People]
• Kate Moss is moving a man into her home, but it's not her boyfriend Jamie Hince; it's her hairdresser, James Brown. He feels good. [Mirror]
• Lindsay Lohan's dad: Getting engaged to girlfriend Erin Page. How will LL feel about getting a stepmom? [Page Six]
• Um, Lindsay's new album will feature a song written by Snoop Dogg. For shizzle. [The Sun]
• Old news blind item: "Which celebrity dad is just as rebellious as his starlet daughter? The troubled parent wears a ring through a piercing on his nether regions." [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which wonky reality show star quietly checked into a California rehab center only to head for the exits when the staff said they would be searching her bags? Wait, you mean you can't take drugs into rehab?" [Rush & Molloy]
• Britney Spears will be spending a supervised Mother's Day with her sons; she bought Sean Preston and Jayden James t-shirts that read "Mama's Boy." [Rush & Molloy]
• The repo man took Lil' Kim's Bentley away, sob! [TMZ]
• Pete Wentz is being suing by a dude who claims Pete beat him up at a Fall Out Boy show last year. Dude, that's not something you admit. [TMZ]
• Edie Falco adopted a baby girl from Florida. Daughter Macy joins older brother Anderson, who is 3. Congrats! [People]
• Rosie O'Donnell no longer has a crush on Tom Cruise; adjust accordingly. [MSNBC]
• Meanwhile, Tom Cruise's two-part Oprah interview includes candid talk about his personal life: Suri, Katie and Scientology. Tune in Friday and Monday to see. [Yahoo News]
• Tina Turner, 68: Going on tour! [AP]
• Usher wants to team up with Michael Bublé and John Mayer. Musically. You know, singing. [Sydney Morning Herald]
• Diddy's in the booze biz, you know that, right? He's the brand manager for Ciroc Vodka. [Variety]
• T.R. Knight MIGHT marry his boyfriend, UCLA student Marc Cornelsen, on June 4 when Knight hosts the Matthew Shepard Foundation's group commitment ceremony for same-sex couples in West Hollywood. There's really no indication that he will, but it would be awesome. [E!]

• Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and all of their kids have hit the French Riviera. They're staying in a villa owned by Microsoft's Paul Allen that has breathtaking views of the Mediterranean Sea. A source says: "They love France and will now be here until after the babies are born and Angie is looking at Marseille hospitals as a potential place to give birth." [E!]
  
• These rumors about Mariah Carey marrying Nick Cannon will not die. Could they possibly be true??? [People]
  
• Gossip Girl gossip: Girl-on-girl action is on its way! [Perez Hilton]
  
• Plus! Lisa Loeb will make a cameo on Gossip Girl, playing a socialite. Hee! [LA Times]
  
• Paula Abdul spaced out or went cuckoo or something on American Idol. You can watch it here. [EW]

• Gwyneth Paltrow has broken her toes 30 times. She says: "I don't know what's wrong with me. Say there's a coffee table that's been there eight years. One day I'll just not know it's there and bash into it and break my toe." Is her macrobiotic diet giving her brittle bones or something? [Mirror]
• Gwyneth was also seen visiting a back specialist. And yet! She wears high-ass heels on the red carpet. [Daily Mail]
• Another story about Charlie Sheen and hookers, yawn. Although: His silk robe with"C. MaSheen'" embroidered over the pocket? Nice touch. [Page Six]
• Britney's brother Bryan Spears is dating actress Ivana Milicevic. You've seen her, she's been on TV and in a bunch of movies. [Page Six]
• Britney was seen walking around a spa in just her towel? Not sure why this is news. [The Sun]
• Newly sober Kirsten Dunst has been taking her All Good Things costar, Ryan Gosling, with her to 12-step meetings. But are they more than just costars? [Page Six]
• Dina Lohan: Seen "dancing, drinking and playing with her hair extensions." [Page Six]
• A judge has dismissed Ron Burkle's lawsuit against Italian businessman Raffaello Follieri, aka Anne Hathaway's boyfriend. [Rush & Molloy]
• Blind item! "What notoriously stingy actress buys books at her neighborhood Barnes & Noble downtown, only to try to exchange the dog-eared copies days later for cash?" [Rush & Molloy]
• Mario Lopez and Karina Smirnoff have not, repeat, NOT broken up. You may now return to your regularly scheduled apathy. [People]
• My Name Is Earl star Jason Lee is expecting a baby with girlfriend Cenren Alkac. Lee has a 4-year-old son, Pilot Inspektor, with his ex. So what kind of name will this kid get? [People]
• The title of the season finale of The Office is called "Goodbye, Toby." Plus: Spinoff rumors! [E!]
• Rapper T.I.: Has a new single, is hot. [ONTD]
• Diddy is hosting a $4 million "mega-party" to celebrate getting his name on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. David Beckham is helping him. Diddy will have 10 private jets; five different custom-made Sean Jean outfits, including a tux, a smoking jacket, and a top hat and tails; $400,000 worth of booze; and goodie bags with his own damn perfume in them. [Mirror]
• A former UCLA Medical Center hospital worker has been indicted in Federal charges for the theft of medical records of celebs like Farrah Fawcett, Maria Shriver and 60 others. She accepted $4,600 from "an unnamed national media outlet" for the info. [Reuters]
• Is Amy Winehouse leaving her record label? [The Sun]
• There is video proof that Ashley Dupre agreed to be filmed for Girls Gone Wild. [Yahoo News]
• Is Ashlee Simpson returning to reality TV? [MSNBC]
• Grammy-winning singer Mya was scheduled to being performances in Chicago on Broadway, but she's broken her foot! Sucks. [Playbill]
• "We pray for Brody. Honestly, Brody was such a good friend to me. He hooked Heidi and I up, and I think that everything will work out eventually. I wish that Brody and I were still best friends, I pray every day that everything works out between us." — Spencer Pratt. [People]
• Uma Thurman's parents testified in court yesterday regarding her stalker case. Uma's mom said she believed the stalker, Jack Jordan, "was someone who would benefit from medical attention." [AP]
• Vanilla Ice is off the hook for domestic battery charges because his wife recanted her original statement. [Yahoo News]
• Simon Cowell pays no attention to smoking bans. "He lights up where he likes - and pays the fine if he has to," says a source. [The Sun]
• Edie Falco battled breast cancer in 2003 but never told any of her Sopranos costars. [Page Six]
• SO MANY blind items from Michael Musto! "What hyper-quirky stage actor (who's also known for movies and TV) does lots of coke and has sex in club bathrooms when the boyfriend's at home? What fashion-magazine editor—no, not the obvious one—still has no idea how to use the Internet? (She has to have e-mails read aloud to her and then dictates the reply.) What current anchor is said to have been lesbian lovers with that unhinged late anchor, according to ancient legend? Which female rocker best known from the '70s and '80s recently got so plowed she blew chunks all over a nightclub? Which star who went from Hollywood hotshot to joke to rebounding talent has an impressively large member to go with his award? What longtime r&b singer was spotted in Harlem, where she told a fan who accosted her: 'If you ain't the crack man, don't come near me!'? Which legendary actor's bisexual father is murmured to have died of AIDS, not of "cancer," as the family officially reported? Which scandal-ridden ex-TV personality would have gotten a gay record deal, but he wouldn't come out of the closet? Shouldn't someone say, 'Who do you think you are?' Which star who denies being gay used to give so-so head and has a penis that's even less than four and a half inches? What famous grandson is so delightfully kinky he recently lodged M&Ms up his butt, turning his hole into a veritable McFlurry of sexual delight? (Alas, they melted before they could be of any use.) About which talk-show host's supposed girlfriend was Rosie O'Donnell heard to say: 'Look at her nails! She could never be a lesbian with those nails!'?" [Village Voice]

• After three hours in court (Kevin Federline showed up, Britney Spears did not) a family court judge decided that Kevin will retain custody of the kids. For now. Britney is allowed monitored visitation. There will be another hearing on Oct. 26. Also? Kevin was wearing an eyepatch. Britney was at Starbucks with her dog while this was going on. [TMZ]
  
• Is Britney checking into a Caribbean rehab facility this weekend? That would explain why she's so calm. [Perez Hilton]
  
• There is good news for Britney: "Gimme More" is number one on Billboard's Hot Digital Songs chart and #3 on the pop charts. [L.A. Times]
  
• "You are a pig, A sad jobless pig who is sad and talentless..." That's an excerpt from an e-mail from Charlie Sheen to Denise Richards, which she included in documents filed in the custody battle. Also included? Pictures of Charlie's "erect penis" he used for his profile on sex sites. Do not want! [Page Six]

• Ben Affleck is teaching his daughter to love the Red Sox. Poor girl! [Page Six]
• The Angelina Jolie pictures on the cover of In Touch that prompted the "Is she pregnant" story were cropped to hide her flat, flat stomach. Of course! [Page Six]
• Evan Handler, who played Harry Goldenblatt on Sex And The City, showed up to the set of the film Tuesday — and production was halted due to his chronic hiccuping problem. LOL. [Page Six]
• Kim and Kourtney Kardashian: Underage nude picture scandal? Why are we not surprised? [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which weight-loss poster girl has her people replace the labels on her clothes for photo shoots — from 8's and 10's to 4's and 2's?" [Gatecrasher, last item]
• Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia are expecting a baby, due in the spring. [People]
• Rita Cosby, author of Blond Ambition: The Untold Story Behind Anna Nicole Smith's Death was served papers regarding the $60 million suit by Howard K. Stern right on the red carpet of her book party. Ouch! [Radar]
• Sienna Miller was banned from her new movie's afterparty — maybe the producers of the film she is currently shooting wanted to make sure she didn't show up hungover? [Daily Mail]
• Nick Cannon and fiancée Selita Ebanks: Dunzo! This despite the fact that he asked her to marry him via Jumbotron. [People]
• Kid Rock claims that ex-wife Pamela Anderson lied to him about having a miscarriage. Pam says he's just "bitter." But she doesn't deny it, hmmm. [People]
• Are you ready for a Larry Birkhead "day in the life of a daddy" reality show? Yeah, neither are we. [Rush & Molloy]
• Nicky Hilton, Wilmer Valderrama and Nick Lachey are joining forces to open a restaurant called Company in Las Vegas' Luxor hotel and casino. Uh, thanks but no thanks. [E!]