newyearsresolutions

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Goop Scoop
What Did You Learn In 2008?
New Year, Same Ol' Resolutions
Hey Ladies: How Are The Resolutions Going?
This Year, Let's Call It Quits On The Nasty Nit-Picking

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AuntPenny
01/08/09

In reply to Goop Scoop
I think we should throw one big delicious party when her marriage to Chris Mouthbreather ends. We'll give out Shar-Peis as party favors.
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Scout
01/08/09

In reply to Goop Scoop
sycophancy makes me ill

as does hypocrisy

which means this particular post covers both
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AuntPenny
01/08/09

In reply to Goop Scoop
I want to be close to Gwyneth. Just so I can punch her in the face.
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jeepgirl
01/08/09

In reply to Goop Scoop
I'd rather have a huge ass than sound like I'm talking out of one.
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katastic
01/08/09

In reply to Goop Scoop
Oh I can't WAIT for THIS crap:
"Next week we get the GOOP guide to the best places to eat and stay in NYC."

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braak: You are, as usual, completely correct.
01/08/09

@katastic: Obviously, the best place to stay is in the Waldorf-Astoria's invisible "Cloud Castle," which floats above the Hudson river. The room service is a little on the slow side, but where else can you find fantasy castle residency for less than the cost of your entire brain?
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katastic
01/08/09

@braak: Well, I have 200 dollars in the bank, and my student loans add up to about 25,000 dollars. So my brain, financially speaking, is worth approximately -$24,480.
That room better be cheap.
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braak: You are, as usual, completely correct.
01/08/09

@katastic: Well, all right. Your brain is pretty cheap. But where can you find the magical castle lifestyle for less than the cost of mine?
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katastic
01/08/09

@braak: Please. I know you've got some student debt, Dr. Braak.
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braak: You are, as usual, completely correct.
01/08/09

@katastic: I do, but I fully intend to sell my brain at well above the value that I paid for it.

Because it is full of genius.
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katastic
01/08/09

@braak: If genius consists of 30% intentions to blow up government buildings, 20% theats against small rodents, 20% self-aggrandizement, 10% grandiose theories on theatre, 5% Brechtian philosophy, and 15% beard vs. no beard related decision-making, then yes! "Genius".*
*Also floating around in that scary little quagmire: some trivia about swords.
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braak: You are, as usual, completely correct.
01/08/09

@katastic: Yes. Why? What did you think genius consisted of?

Though, in fact, it's more like 20% intentions to blow things up, and 30% self-aggrandizement.
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Cerridwen
01/08/09

In reply to Goop Scoop
Holy hell, she actually used the phrase "saddlebags and post-pregnancy Shar Pei-like stomach." For the love of god, I feel like eating half a cheesecake just to spite her.

Mmmmmm, cheesecake...almost as delicious as another hit of negative energy...
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aubonpam
01/08/09

In reply to Goop Scoop
I just went and read the thing for the first time ever. It's like a really boring, dry blog. Yikes.
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Mafalda para Presidente
01/08/09

In reply to Goop Scoop
My butt is perfect the way it is. Just ask my bf.
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Red-headed bookworm
01/08/09

In reply to Goop Scoop
Everyone keeps talking about how she takes castor oil. Where did you read this at?
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Red-headed bookworm
01/08/09

@Red-headed bookworm: Nevermind, I found it now. Yuck...but...it is from a doctor. People trust doctors. And the rest of her detox diet actually sounds quite tasty.
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otherginger
01/08/09

In reply to Goop Scoop
Can we sick PETA on Gwennie's duck or something? This calls for lifestyle nazi-on-lifestyle nazi violence.
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hussein persepolis hussein
01/08/09

@otherginger: Well done.
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Aesop's Foibles. YES.
01/08/09

In reply to Goop Scoop
Hey guys! I've decided to make my very own newsletter! I'm going to call it "Big Happy Sandwiches" and it will detail my special diet suggestions and random musings.
Here's an example.

I find that when you feel a hunger sensation, the best thing to do is go and stare into the refrigerator, thereby gleaning potential meal ideas and gaining valuable insight into what you actually feel like having. After you've ascertained your current food desire, you have two options. One. If you have the items necessary to allay your appetite, commence. If not, here's option Two. Go to the menu drawer, peruse the offerings on the pertinent menu, and make your selection. Then, find your phone-device. Dial the number listed on the menu and communicate your sustenance needs to the individual who answers your call. Wait patiently. Meditate upon your impending nosh. When at last your doorbell rings, go to the door and open it. Accept the items being proffered you by the delivery person. Hand the delivery person the proper amount of currency and accept your change. Close the door and take your seat. Remove the food items from their respective containers and begin eating. Continue eating until you are either sated or completely stuffed, whichever you prefer. Once finished, go and smoke a cigarette. And voila! Nourishment for body and mind is not as difficult as you may have originally expected! Go forth and enjoy!

Peace and enlightenment.
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aubonpam
01/08/09

In reply to Goop Scoop
The fact that she talks about her own body that way bothers me more than any of the other hundreds of douchey things she says for some reason.
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bklyn155
01/08/09

@aubonpam: Me too! It's kind of sad. She seems like a brittle, scared person, obsessing over that stuff and then sending an email out about it. There are more positive motivations for exercise, like heath and energy and feeling good physically!
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bluebears
01/08/09

@aubonpam: I seriously think she's just an unhappy person. imagine having all that she has and still being constantly obsessed with your appearance, its like a cruel joke.
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aubonpam
01/08/09

@bluebears: I think she was the first person I ever heard the phrase "skinny fat" from, once again in reference to herself.
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LaFemme
01/08/09

@bklyn155: I agree it is kind of sad how she seems to obsess SO much. She has always been like this and I think she has eating issues.

I don't care that she does her workouts for her ass though and not heath and energy and feeling good physically. I can relate to that. I hate exercise. The only reason I run on a treadmill like a gerbil or do yoga is to fit into my jeans.
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marybanjo
01/08/09

In reply to Goop Scoop
So the trainer is Tracy Anderson, she used to live and work here in Indianapolis. She declared bankruptcy a few times, she left town and took all this money from her clients and now is a trainer to the stars. Weird. [www.indianapolismonthly.com]
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bluebears
01/08/09

@marybanjo: weird! huh.
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Plum-Pie
01/08/09

@marybanjo: In a recent interview (which Jez linked to) she talked about how being a dancer gave her terrible habits and body image but how she's much better since inventing her own pilates-varient..... Then the article went on to say that she advocates exercising hard 6 days a week, not eating dairy, no alcohol, being "strict with yourself" if you're trying to lose weight and other things which reminded me of A PERSON WITH AN EATING DISORDER!
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tscheese
01/08/09

In reply to Goop Scoop
Y'know, usually, when someone is complimenting my cooking, they are not thinking about how awful my ass looks. I am not thinking about how awful my ass looks. Because we are chowing down on curry or spaghetti or grilled cheese together, and we are enjoying the brief respite from everyday existence that a good meal can provide.

I'm tired of constant suggestions from the media and from castor-oil-addled celebrities that I'm not good enough. It's fucking exhausting enough to bust my ass to pay my rent and be out of the house for 12-13 hours a day and not even be able to to find clothes because everything that is "haute couture" is sized for teenaged Jack Russell terriers and I'm a Sasquatch. I will never not be a Sasquatch, Gwyneth, no matter how much castor oil and organic escarole and extract of rainbow starlight I consume. I will never be able to care about your unicorn earth mother exercise routine or your mid-century sink. At this rate I'm lucky if I'll ever be able to own an actual sink.

I'm getting my hit of negative energy. Mmmm. Don't mind me.
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braak: You are, as usual, completely correct.
01/08/09

@tscheese: I had to wait two months to fix the hole in my shoe so that I'd be able to afford Christmas presents this year. I will never be able to afford $50 cashmere socks.

You and I, we're on the same team!
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justcallmespartacus
01/08/09

In reply to Goop Scoop
I'm going to completely change the shape of my butt to resemble the head of Elvis. I'm totally motivated by the fame it is sure to bring me. People will flock from thousands of miles away to see my Elvis shaped ass.
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justcallmespartacus
01/08/09

@justcallmespartacus: That, or the Virgin Mary. Which do you think would be more profitable?
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debo matar la zombi goldberry83
01/08/09

@justcallmespartacus: Maybe you could have one Elvis-shaped cheek and one Virgin Mary-shaped cheek! That would totally double your earning potential.
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