On Saturday, Neil A. Lewis of the Times wrote that Edwards was considering announcing paternity, that Elizabeth Edwards had yet to come around to the idea, and that — as the National Enquirer reported last month — Hunter was planning to move to North Carolina so that her baby could be near the father. Showbiz411's Roger Friedman, though, says the story is vaporware. He says Hunter is in New Jersey with no plans to move, and that a source told him, "All that story is is regurgitation of old misinformation combined with false light and repackaged with bits of Andrew Young's book, probably leaked by his agent to heighten interest."

That book, by the former Edwards aide who once said he was the father of Hunter's baby, is the subject of a lengthy post by Glynnis MacNicol of Mediaite. MacNicol writes that the book proposal — which has yet to be picked up by publisher — seems like the main source for Lewis's Times story. But as we know from James Frey, just because something's in a book proposal doesn't make it true. Young's words haven't been fact checked by publishers yet, and he may be especially untrustworthy given that he once lied about being the father of the child. MacNicol characterizes the Times story as a quick-and-dirty attempt to get out in front of usually quicker-and-dirtier media outlets: "The New York Times is not going to be scooped by the National Enquirer anymore!"

But is there really even a scoop here? The Dave Matthews stuff is salacious, as is the assertion that Hunter gave her child the middle name Quinn to allude to the fact that she was the fifth of Edwards's children (and not, apparently, because she really liked the sister on Daria). But since Edwards is already totally discredited, the story doesn't really have anywhere to go from here. Lewis wrote in the Times,

Any acknowledgment of paternity would have ramifications for Mr. Edwards, who could suffer a further blow to his credibility but could also be praised for belatedly accepting responsibility. It could also shift Ms. Hunter's image from that of a predatory celebrity stalker (Mrs. Edwards told Oprah Winfrey that Ms. Hunter met her husband after waiting for him to come out of a New York hotel and telling him, "You're so hot.") to that of a mother concerned about her child's rights.

But any praise for Edwards's "belated" acknowledgment of his daughter is going to ring pretty false and hollow, given the lengths he went to in order to avoid acknowledging her. And Rielle Hunter will probably be forgotten in a few years' time, returning only to plague the nightmares of Caitlin Flanagan. At some point, John Edwards may make a public statement about Rielle Hunter and her baby (although she might be a teenager by then), and at least there will be some information to discuss. Until that happens, any face-off between the Times and the Enquirer just seems like a test of who can beat a dead horse the hardest.

For Edwards, Drama Builds Toward A Denouement [NYT]
The New York Times Edwards Story: Scandalous! Newsworthy! Vetted? [Mediaite]
John Edwards' Confession: Not So Fast [Showbiz411]

MOE: Hey sorry to be late AGAIN. I'm in my own house this time at least. And you are at Anna's. I went to a hip hop show last night. I have not yet brewed coffee. Ohhhh Joe Biden baby get some self-esteem. Why would you say that? As good as it would be for the VP debate ratings. Also Nike has a new slogan in Europe. It is also the name of a popular Catholic hymn. What, "Be Not Afraid" was taken? Ugh. Coffee. Must brew

MEGAN: Ugh, so, probably drinking more after I finished that first bottle of wine last night, while it seemed like a good idea at the time, probably wasn't. But I have my coffee well in hand already because otherwise, I would've crawled back into bed. And, someone needs to be nicer to Biden or something! He's likeable, too! Remember how we all liked him and his mama at the Democratic convention? Baby, it's cool, everyone's just a little distracted by the popular girl but you're so choice-a-riffic, it's sexy, they'll be back. I think I heard both those hymns the last time I was in church.
Oh, Jesus Christ, this line:

The agency decided to use animation to make the athletes less intimidating.

MOE: The other night we got a stalker tip on Serena Williams and the tipster noted that she "looked elegant, but has very toned arms." YOU DON'T SAY, DUMBASS TIPSTER. Oh I guess I should note here that it is September 11. Ughhhh okay the coffee looks ready.

MEGAN: I know, I'm not sure which part of my masochistic brain was all "Go to New York for September 11th!" except maybe the part where I've been in D.C. for the last 6 of them and thus I was going to be one of the two places anyway.

MOE: Ha ha ha whose idea was it to turn on the Hadron Collider for September 11? I like their sense of timing.

MEGAN: When I was home with my family, they watch the actual network newscasts and NBC was all interviewing the Swiss guy who was like "They're going to create a black hole that will eat the Earth!! They must be stopped!!" It was kind of completely awesome and sort of made me want to watch the actual broadcast news more!

MOE: Sorry I keep getting bumped off. And a friend of Julie's is here now, wanting to show me an internet video. What else is happening?

MEGAN: No worries, I was just reading your brilliant piece about the oil-for-sex scandal. Anything Saddam can do, we can do better! And one of our readers apparently works for McCain and totally ripped off my smelly vagina line from yesterday and I'm trying to figure if I can sue for royalties.

MOE: The video is pretty awesome. Have you seen "America Is Fucked (Graphically At Least)"??

MEGAN: Um, I'm watching something called "Magic Flashlight" and it's making me want to get drunk and play with glowsticks... Am I watching the right thing?

MOE: Oh my god that is amazing but what the fuck LINKins? Two seconds of coding was two seconds too many? God that is awesome. Priceless. And no, shit, maybe I sent you the wrong link. Google "jess gibson america fucked graphically at least" though not actually in quotes like that duh. It's worth watching. I think anyway. I still seem to be not quite conscious. Wait, did I miss the part of Sarah Palin's resume where she was a CEO? Or are they just talking about the thriving if imaginary enterprise that was "Rouge Cou"?

Email from my brother:

i had a nightmare last night that "terrorists" assassinated joe biden, and john mccain and sarah palin were promising the country they would bring the real killers to justice and everyone was talking about how presidential they were and then i woke up and wanted to jump out the window. i need to get out of this city.

MEGAN: I just had dreams that I was pruning houseplants but kept pruning the wrong branches and leaving the dead ones and taking the live ones. Your brother has strange dreams,

Also, I think her "executive" experience is as in "executive branch." Because she was a mayor, see?

MOE: And about an hour and a half later I get a little email from the Obama campaign subheaded "Join Me." Message from my brother: "AHHHHHHHH look at what sarah palin made me do!!!"
Yeah but they're making signs that say "CEO".

MEGAN: Oh, well, then people are just fucking stupid. Big surprise. Anyway, here's a good link to that video. Anna was just like, what the fuck is that?

Oh, God, I sort of completely love the Enquirer's editor's OpEd in the Wall Street Journal on what is fair game.

MOE: Ha!

In this fractious environment, politics has made for more than strange bedfellows. Witness Mr. McCain greeting Levi Johnston and quickly becoming buddies with the 18-year-old hockey player who impregnated the daughter of his running mate.
Mr. McCain presumably did not have a copy in his pocket of the recently adopted platform of the Republican Party, which contained within its instructive gospel of morality and values: "We renew our call for replacing 'family planning' programs for teens with increased funding for abstinence education, which teaches abstinence until marriage as the responsible and expected standard of behavior. . . . We oppose school-based clinics that provide referrals, counseling, and related services for abortion and contraception."

MEGAN:

I've heard that [Sarah Palin] shoots wolves from helicopters. I've seen a video of her firing a rifle, and she looks like she handles it well. All of this leads me to the conclusion that Levi Johnston is either the bravest or stupidest teenager in Alaska.

I snorted laughing at that one, and not just because my Dad used to ask my high school dates if they wanted to inspect his shotgun collection. My dad, by the way, doesn't own guns. Also, I liked this part of it:

The mainstream media would like to believe it has evolved from the era of William Randolph Hearst — he of the infamous proclamation, "you furnish the pictures, I'll furnish the war." Yet, when a Republican VP nominee showed up with a pregnant teenage daughter, the mainstream media's superego disappeared faster than Dan Quayle at a spelling bee.

He even rags on the stupidity of George Bush!

The two-newspaper city, once a staple of every metropolis, is already as rare as a grammatically correct sentence from George Bush.

Do you think this guy would come drinking with us some time? He sounds like one of the more fun EICs to drink with.

MOE: Um what is this "getdrunkandvote4mccain" thing? Also: what is Ann Coulter's problem with getting tough on Pakistan? They are Muslims with nukes who sponsor the Taliban and just bombed the Indian embassy. Do you just hate America Ann Coulter? Oh wait yes she does.

MEGAN: Ann must not have read that Bush is already bombing the shit out of Pakistan.

MOE: Can you tell me something? Do we know what is being built at Ground Zero? And how much money has been wasted getting to this point?

MEGAN: Three office towers, the stupidly-named Freedom Tower, a memorial and a transit hub. And millions upon millions wasted.

MOE: Dude this headline/byline combination: unintentionally hilarious or intentionally so?

MEGAN: I'm going to say: unintentionally hilarious. Because I'm sure Ms. Lynn Forester de Rothschild would consider herself a child of privilege, not an elitist.

MOE: Ugh I'm still not quite awake, but I love how Politico is all this reminder of John McCain's principled stand against the unconscionable wastefulness of the military industrial complex could "boost" McCain. Um, yeah sure that is what people care about right now.

MEGAN: I think there are probably 4 people in all of America who really care about that tanker deal and they were all voting for John McCain anyway.

MOE: Oh come on I care(d) about it. Anyway, egg sandwich. I give up.

MEGAN: It's that kind of Thursday.

MOE: Morning boo! Time to get onerous?
MEGAN: Maybe ponderous?
MOE: I was checking Drudge last night on the way to a bar and there was this bizarre bunch of headlines as to Obama's 5 a.m. Western Wall visit and I thought, damn, that is early for the hecklers to be waiting.
MEGAN: Yeah, I don't heckle anyone before 10:30 at least. Luckily the Germans have the Obamania, so I don't expect too many hecklers there.
MEGAN: We should probably take a moment to defend our Attackerman on his reporting on how McCain fucked up when he said the Surge predated the Anbar Awakening, because Joe Scarborough accuses him and other bloggers of eating Cheetos while frantically Googling to play gotcha. Because I have never once seen him eat or heard about Spencer eating Cheetos, and I'm pretty sure he knew about the timing without having to Google since it's his job to know shit like that, being a national security reporter and all. It ought to also be McCain's job — or McCain's policy staff's job — to not just make shit up that isn't true.
MOE: That is hilarious. You name your whole show after a popular morning beverage and you get on us for eating extruded snack food? Speaking of which my own Awakening here has yet to be followed by my morning joe so I am a little slow. Do you think CBS was seriously trying to cover up McCain's ignorance though? Or are the video editors basically, half-Awake themselves?
MEGAN: Yeah, um, I haven't had any caffeine either because I needed to hydrate first this morning... I mean, I don't know if CBS did it to cover up what they knew was a wrong answer, or because someone on McCain's staff knew it was wrong, but why would you splice in an answer he gave to another questions completely randomly?
So, yes, personally, I think it was deliberate. I don't think you do it at that moment, for that question, for that answer, if it's not deliberate.
MOE: They were like "oh god this McCain senility thing has gotten too fucking hard to watch" or whatever?
MEGAN: This is why I wonder if it wasn't a quiet word from someone within the McCain camp, someone who realized the size of the gaffe and asked nicely or not-so-nicely and CBS complied. Because that's what I'd do if I worked for McCain.
CBS is saying that they "edited it for time,", which totally doesn't explain anything.
MEGAN: Anyway, so, onto other things, Nas rapped on Colbert last night, which he was on to promote his petition against racism Fox News and looking, dare I say, fucking hot as shit.
MOE: Well speaking of Subtle Mainstream Media Tricks To Save Politicians From Themselves That Are Completely Ineffective, John Edwards and Rielle: why make the story of the day "Why The Mainstream Media Is Ignoring This Urgent Sex Scandal" when you could just, like, run a bunch of stories saying the National Enquirer seems to have stalked John Edwards and boy, what a shameless douchebag! (They would probably spell it "douche bag.") Because my future colleague over at Gawker has a point here, even if the "Constitutionally Protected jobs" thing is an unbelievably warped jab to make considering the last time fucking anyone in newspapers had any fucking sense of job security was the Reagan administration, but that's neither here/there.
MEGAN: Well, but then you'd have to cover the National Enquirer. And they're probably still smarting over Gennifer Flowers or something.
Oh, well, if we're going to be like the real media, we should probably totally change the subject now and I would like then to point readers to Dana Milbank's column today which is about the House's Don't Ask Don't Tell hearing yesterday in which psychotic Elaine Donnelly testified about lesbian rape gangs and shit and just about everyone there was shocked that she thought it was appropriate but she always, always does. Also, she doesn't want women serving in the military for the sake of the men. And in 1950, she probably wasn't so keen on integration either. She's a scary bitch, yo.
I might have once implied in print that she herself is just scared of her own lesbian tendencies. Because I'm a mean bitch like that.
MOE: Dude, someone watching that hearing got a totally dope plotline for his next thrasher movie though. I love Vic Snyder for calling her testimony "just bonkers" because I can't really do better, this woman's just totally completely nuts and the thing we always forget is THERE ARE MORE OF THEM LIKE THIS OUT THERE MANY MANY MORE.
MEGAN: Yeah, there totally are more people like that out there. Speaking of more of "them," Steve Doocey weighed in on sexism yesterday. That guy is so dumb I think it probably rubs off.
MOE: And don't forget they're not just any lesbian rape gangs they are black lesbian rape gangs. Because white lesbians in the military are too busy planning their weddings while watching the L Word and styling their expertly layered hair to bother raping anyone?
MEGAN: Oh, right, black lesbians are waaaay scarier. Did I ever tell you how I once ended up at a black lesbian bar in D.C.?
My friend made me get on one of those party shuttle buses for her bachelorette, but the organizers were from out of town and ended up taking us to a black lesbian club. Best. Bar. The. Whole. Night.
Great DJ, appropriate level of air conditioning, super nice people. After dancing with strangers for 40 minutes I realized the bride and all her friends were huddled in a corner and talking about me.
MOE: Omg I went to a black gay coke bar last weekend and although or maybe because the coke was probably not really coke but crushed up No-Doz cut with laxatives it was the Best Night Ever Too. Musically, muscle tonally, etc. Anyway, we need to find some site about this alleged black lesbian rape gang attack in 1974. If only to WARN THE READERS.
MEGAN: I'll do that while you read about Lieberman comparing creepy Catholic-hating crazy pastor John Hagee to Moses and saying that bloggers would've shit all over Moses and Miriam, too.
MOE: Well, you gotta admit bloggers will shit on anything, they are like junkies that way. Remember Pastor Pfleger? That guy was so clearly Down with God but the haters wanna hate, you know?
Lieberman is such an idiot.
MEGAN: I mean, is he trying to flame out? Like, can he be recalled by voters or something? Because I don't understand when he went batshit.
MOE: I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING ABOUT THIS CYNTHIA YOST LESBIAN RAPE THING does this mean I have to nexis?
MEGAN: Ok, so, the lesbian rape story is only available in Elaine's testimony. This woman, Cynthia Yost, claims that she was hugged and rubbed by a group of black women she knew to be lesbians but never reported it until now.
MOE: because my nexis is down.
MEGAN: Page 10, by the way.

“Some of them were ethnic minorities, and it was a group of black lesbians who decided to gang-assault me. I don't know what else you would call it. This incident happened in the spring of 1974, at Fort Jackson, South Carolina. We were riding crowded together in a "cattle truck", and suddenly they all began groping my crotch and breasts through my fatigues, talking suggestively, rubbing my thighs, hugging me tightly around the waist and shoulders, and giggling.
“This was in 1974, when the military brass lived in terror of accusations of racist attitudes among military personnel. It was assumed that any white person hitting or attacking a black one for any reason, even in self-defense, was, ipso facto, a racist. Such an incident, reported, meant a letter of reprimand in one's permanent record, and many tedious hours of "race relations" classes.
“…I didn't report the assault because I wanted to keep my record clean, and I didn't defend myself from their physical assault for the same reason. I didn't want a permanent label of "racist" to derail my military career. So, I restrained my nausea and outrage, and just kept pushing their hands and arms off me and telling them to please stop. They finally did, when they were tired of it.

MOE: dude that description is totally from a porn.
MEGAN: Totally. Homophobic rantings about homosexuality are always pornographic for some reason. Frankly, like, why was it important that her alleged assaulters were black in that context.... if it wasn't important to her?
MOE: Yeah and call Lizz Winstead but this so-called gang rape does NOT SOUND THAT TRAUMATIZING. I mean, also, like, this is just nuts. I wonder where Cynthia Yost is now. I bet if we teepee-d her house she'd call it a hate crime.
MEGAN: We hate her for her heterosexuality, because we're just a bunch of fucking dykes.

Does anybody really care about Cameron Diaz?

We know we don't, except when we see pictures of her wearing no make-up in the National Enquirer. Oh the horror!

And speaking of the National Enquirer, they've just had to fork out a whole bunch of cash after accusing Ms Diaz of having hot steamy sex blah blah blah with some married dude.

You see, boys? That's what happens when you mess with the A-listers. Remember to stick with the G-lister soap stars, and fat people with no hands from Omaha in future. They're glad for all the coverage they can get, true or not.

[woman we don't care about sues people we don't like and wins]

Who's fat, who's feuding and who caught what from Paris Hilton this week, after the jump with our celebrity weekly round-up.

Well, as we mentioned earlier, Jen Aniston caught just about everyone on the hop, so we'll have to do with an awful lot of crap about Britney and Paris instead.

* There must be much gnashing of teeth over at Star Magazine today, as they came agonisingly close to getting a great cover, which would have smashed in the teeth of all their rivals. Close, but sadly no cigar. Plumping for the world's most blurry ugly picture of Angelina Jolie, clutching a baby, the mag screams 'WHY ANGELINA HAS THIS BABY!'. Now we celeb mag readers may be thick, but we're not that thick. Seeing as how Angelina is in full make-up/costume for her role as Marianne Perle, who had a baby after her husband Daniel was horribly murdered, we can actually guess that she has the baby because she's making a flim about someone who has a baby. Not too much of a strech, that one.
Meanwhile, nestling forlornly in a corner of the cover is 'MY SEXY NIGHT WITH VINCE!', which is actually a juicy little story about some girl who indulged in extended foreplay, possibly oral, we're not sure, with Vince Vaughn while he was filming on location and still OFFICALLY dating poor Jen. It's a bitch when Missed Opportunity ups and smacks you round the head, eh guys? Elsewhere Star attempts to have Britney and Justin back together, which as we recall they've done about fifty times before and still no-one believes them. It's like Demi Moore's eternal pregnancy. Sandra Bullock (yawn) is also allegedly pregnant, and in a world exclusive, Johnny Depp used to look like a nerd. All in all, Star's the best out there this week, but that's not saying much.

* In Touch has the holy trifecta of Britney, Lindsay and Nicole and asks the question 'DRUGS! ARE THE ALLEGATIONS TRUE?'. We'll save you the trouble of wading through the waffle and reveal the conclusions: Nicole - pills - NO! Britney - antidepressants - PROBABLY! Lindsay - every fucking drug you can think of and then some - PROBABLY! MIssing the Jen Aniston split just like everyone else, In Touch tries to lure you within its pages by telling you how Aniston and Jen Garner lost lots of weight. We can reveal the exclusive details: DIET AND EXCERCISE. We are dazzled by their scoop. Also 'inside Eva and Tony's wedding'. Not.

* Us Weekly leads with 'SAVING BRITNEY' which promises interventions, custody battles and scandalous photos. It's the same stuff you'll find in all the other celeb weeklies this week, except there's more of it. In other news Adrianne Curry got a boob job and that girl from the OC who wasn't Mischa Barton split from that other guy who was on the OC. Whatever.

* OK! continues it's dazzling run of non-stories containing no detail, with 'BRITNEY EXCLUSIVE MY CRY FOR HELP!', in which 'friends' say she's heading for a breakdown. Well, if by friends you mean the third cousin of the guy who used to carpool with the sisister of the man who briefly dated Britney's back-up dancer three years ago, then hey, this is a scoop. In their frenzied desperation, they spin a 57-word paragraph about Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban having lunch into a cover line 'NICOLE'S SEXY DATE WITH KEITH', which is about the saddest thing we've ever seen in our media career. And guess what? Pam Anderson was seen with her ex Tommy Lee. And Angelina is planning her marriage to Brad Pitt, in Africa. Yeah. Sure. Someone put this magazine out of its misery.

* Life&Style canned their editor-in-chief last week, and we're not terribly sure we can tell the difference this week. It promises all the juicy Brangelina wedding details and embarks on a round of speculation worthy of OK! only longer. It tries to get a bitchfight going by alleging Angelina wants to get married on the beach in Malibu - maybe, like outside Jen's house would be nice - but we're not falling for that. Elsewhere Britney is in crisis (really? Who knew!), Nick is still putting his naughty bits in Vanessa (and a couple of porn stars on the side, probably) and Eva and Tony are engaged and still no-one gives a fuck.

* The National Enquirer says that Britney fucked Mario Lopez, Brad and Jen are 'back in love', and Lindsay pops Oxycontin. All entirely believable. Yup.