• Jay Leno went after David Letterman last night, dropping a few Letterman jokes in his opening monologue. "If you came here tonight for sex with a talk show host," he told his audience, "you've got the wrong studio." [USWeekly]

• Leno then ended the monologue with "I'm happy to say that I've never had a sexual relationship with any of my staff members." [USWeekly]
• Jimmy Fallon also took a swing at Letterman: ""There's a new book out called Why Women Have Sex that says there are 237 reasons why women have sex. And, folks, Letterman knows the top 10." [USWeekly]
• CBS producer Robert Halderman, the man accused of trying to blackmail David Letterman for 2 million dollars, was reportedly deep in debt and "desperate," according to Assistant District Attorney Judy Salwen: "The evidence is compelling. It shows the defendant is desperate, and he is capable of doing anything." [AP]
• Meanwhile, Halderman's attorney says "This story is far more complicated than that two-minute statement by the assistant district attorney." [ET]
• Halderman has been released on bail, but must stay away from Letterman, due to a temporary order of protection issued by Judge Michael Melkonian. [TMZ]
• A source who used to work for Letterman says the reports of his affairs aren't surprising at all: ""It wasn't a big deal because he wasn't married. And we heard he had a girlfriend, but she never came around, so it just wasn't a big deal. He wasn't considered a sex symbol or anything. In fact, off the air, he came across a lot older than he was." [People]
• Another source claims that Letterman's behavior is typical of workplaces with intense schedules: "In politics it's the same thing. People who live it, eat it, breathe it ... [It's] not some sort of predatory, 'Let's hire beautiful women so we can feast on them' kind of thing. That's just not the way it works." [People]
• Elsewhere in lawsuit land, Nicolas Cage is being sued for 2 million dollars after missing a payment on a loan. [TMZ]
• Christina Milian and her husband, The Dream are expecting their first child. [People]
• "Yeah, I think I can appreciate that fashion exists for really skinny fucking people, you know, and I need clothing. I mean, I had a moment and it was great. I have lots of free things in the closet and, like, I don't have to wear them or sell them, and someday maybe I'll go through another crisis and fit into them again. Who knows? But at this point, I think it's time for me to, you know, embrace being 30 and not really care so much. I'm not going to lie. Of course I care. I'm a woman, you know. But I think you can still, like, be attractive, and I think maybe things get a little better."- Natasha Lyonne [NYMag]
• Kate Gosselin will appear on the Today show on Monday to discuss Jon Gosselin's latest round of shady moves. [People]
• Sarah Ferguson says she still gets along very well with her ex-husband, Prince Andrew: "Prince Andrew and I stand very firmly by the idea that, yes, people do sometimes have to move on through life and get a divorce, but not all divorces have to be acrimonious - you can actually do it for the greater good, for yourself and for your own personal growth." [DailyMail]
• Kate Beckinsale, named Esquire's "Sexiest Woman Alive," doesn't have very fond memories of her former modeling days: "I was on the cover of Elegant Bride magazine when I think I actually cried. I was looking sort of misty, bridey eyed. It was mortifying. There I was, in my riot-grrrl feminist stage, with a puppy." [Esquire]
• "I try not to be a jerk. I really do. I try to be nice and cordial. I've seen the real extreme diva behaviour and I don't think that's who I am. I think I have mannerisms and that whole thing, and I'm running around in these shoes. But even before I had any type of fame, I was like this." -Mariah Carey [Guardian]
• Katy Perry and Russell Brand are reportedly in a "secret romance," which is so very secret that the Daily Mail has all the details. [DailyMail]
• "Katy knows his bad boy reputation but could not resist - especially when Russell sent a love poem with a note attached saying, Please send me a poem back.," says a source, "Russell killed himself laughing when Katy sent a photo of her boobs with the word 'poem' scrawled across them. The next minute Russell picked up the phone and invited her to Thailand for a secret getaway." [TheSun]
• Hayden Panettiere pushed producers to include a lesbian storyline for her Heroes character, Claire: "I kinda threw it out there... They (writers) put you in relationships and I was like, 'Can I just be with a girl or something...? Let's do that." [DailyExpress]
• Tennis star Chris Evert and golf star Greg Norman have split after 18 months of marriage. [DailyExpress]
• According to Joey Ramone's brother, Mickey Leigh, Ramone struggled with schizophrenia throughout his life. Leigh and Legs McNeil plan to discuss Ramone's illness in the upcoming book ""I Slept With Joey Ramone: A Family Memoir." [PageSix]
• Courtney Love is still having financial troubles: "I'm f****d now dude. I have 120 bucks, my kid hasn't had a decent meal and I'm getting evicted." [TheSun]
• Kim Kardashian, the cover girl for November's Cosmo, says that she's learned from her experience with the now-infamous Ray J sex tape: ""I was devastated, but when something negative happens, I pick myself up and move on…and I don't make the same mistake twice." [JustJared]
• Lady Gaga plans to start a solo tour, now that her "Fame Kills" tour with Kanye West has been canceled. [ShowbizSpy]
• Kristen Stewart says that filming The Runaways saved her from losing her mind on the set of the Twilight films: "I think I would have been a psychopath by the end of a four-year stint on the Twilight saga without anything like that to change it up." [ShowbizSpy]
• The Spice Girls are planning to get back together, with or without Victoria Beckham: "This time next year at least four of the five girls will be back on stage doing the Spice material again." says a source. Zig-a-zig-ah! [TheSun]

• "Sources" say Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick have decided to live apart just weeks after the birth of their twin daughters. Matthew will stay in their Manhattan apartment and Sarah Jessica will move to Brooklyn with the kids.

• A friend says: "Sarah clearly loves Manhattan but she has three children now. It might be better for them to grow up somewhere calmer. But Matthew loves their townhouse in Manhattan because it's close to his work on Broadway." The story doesn't address what impact these new living arrangements will have on their marital status. [ONTD]
• D.E.A. agents raided Dr. Conrad Murray's Houston office today looking for Michael Jackson's medical records. Last night Murray's lawyer issued a statement on his website saying, "The coroner wants to clear up the cause of death; we share that goal. Based on Dr. Murray's minute-by-minute and item-by-item description of Michael Jackson's last days, he should not be a target of criminal charges." [TMZ]
• Dr. Conrad Murray's lawyer issued another statement after the raid saying law enforcement officials were looking for evidence "of the offense of manslaughter," adding, "Law enforcement concluded their search around 12:30pm, and left with a forensic image of a business computer hard drive and 21 documents. None of the documents taken had previously been requested by law enforcement or the L.A. Coroner's office." [TMZ]
• Director and producer Bryan Michael Stoller, who was friends with Michael Jackson, says, "Michael really wanted to be a filmmaker and direct a feature film." Jackson also had Stoller tutor his children on filmmaking at Neverland Ranch. "He'd set up a makeshift classroom, and he wanted me to mentor the kids on filmmaking," said Stoller. "We were talking about how animation was done, scripts, screenplays. He was totally into that." [E!]
• Michael Jackson's friend, Fame choreographer Debbie Allen says she thinks he should be buried at Neverland. "I really wish he could be there," she said, "Michael just loved being there. It was his fantasy come true." [E!]
• As mentioned in Midweek Madness, Star claims Blanket Jackson's mother is a woman named Pia Bhatti. She met MJ in a hotel lobby when her then 12-year-old son Omer did a moonwalk for him. MJ and Omer became friends and was seated three seats from Blanket at the funeral. [Star]
• Rupert Everett says it's good Michael Jackson died because he wouldn't have made it through his London concerts and the press would have destroyed him. "I think it was fortuitous that he died,' he said.'‘He was a freak. He looked like a character from Shrek. He was a black to white minstrel... He was crucified by that court case when he was accused of child molestation – that killed him... He personified the pain and anxiety of a black man in a slave country. We all watched as he changed from black to white. He was living performance art." [The Daily Mail]
• Jamie Lee Curtis wrote in an article on The Huffington Post today revealing that like Michael Jackson, she was addicted to pain killers. "I too found painkillers after a routine cosmetic surgical procedure and I too became addicted," she writes, "The morphine becomes the warm bath from which to escape painful reality. I was a lucky one. I was able to see that the pain had started long ago and far away and that the finding the narcotic was merely a matter of time." She calls her recovery "the greatest single accomplishment of my life." [People]
• Mischa Barton has left Cedars-Sinai Medical Center and her rep says she's "making improvements," but is "still seeking treatment." She plans to return to work on her new show The Beautiful Life. [People]
• Jay-Z denied the rumor that he had Chris Brown kicked out of the BET Awards on a radio show saying, "That's the silliest rumor I ever heard … I was really sitting back and just watching all these suckers comment. Let me categorically deny that - that's not even my style. If I have a problem with Chris Brown, I have a problem with Chris Brown. I haven't said anything … I don't agree with what he did, and that's it. That's it. That's the end of it." [N.Y. Magazine]
• The rumor that Patrick Swayze suffered a heart attack isn't true either, according to his publicist who said, "He's continuing his treatment and doing very well, actually. Contrary to reports, he did not suffer a heart attack and has even gained a little weight." [Access Hollywood]
• Liam Gallagher was in a "bad mood" as he walked onstage last night, probably because someone in the audience threw a water bottle at him. When other people started throwing their beers at him he yelled, "Is that some fucking shitbag who's throwing fucking lager, can't handle a soft a**e from fuckingg Camden town? Well get on this fuckingg student." [The Mirror]
• Sienna Miller freaked out on Australian morning when a DJ brought up Balthazar Getty. You can take a listen here: [TMZ]
• Ryan Seacrest, who earns about $15 million a year from American Idol has offered to buy Paula Abdul lunch every day if she agrees to come back. [TMZ]
• TV Guide bought the offnet rights to Ugly Betty, which means new episodes will run two weeks after their TV premiere on TV Guide Network, and reruns going back to season one will air in primetime. [Variety]
• What has pregnancy done to Kendra Wilkinson? She took down her stripper pole because of the baby and when asked if she's worried about gaining weight she said, "I'm concentrating more on what's healthy for the baby more than my weight gain... I know my weight gain will go away very fast, so if I gain weight and that's what it takes to make my baby healthy, that's what has to happen." [E!]
• The CW has posted promos for the remake of Melrose Place, which stars Ashlee Simpson-Wentz as a small town girl who moves to L.A. and has a "disarming disarming naiveté [that] masks the calculating, shrewd sex kitten within." Check out the clip here: [People]
• Last night Whitney Houston previewed her upcoming CD to an industry audience and said her daughter Bobbi Kristina helped her while she was working on the album. "She was with me every step of the way: `Mom, you can do this.' When I get discouraged and I get like, `This is tiring, this is wearing me out, I'm just not at that point,' she'd just go, `No, mom, you can do this, get up, get up,'" Houston said. "She encourages me and inspires me, when I look at her and I look at her eyes and I see myself, I go, `OK, I can do this. I can do this.'" [Yahoo]
• Patti Stanger of The Millionaire Matchmaker is engaged to real estate executive Andy Friedman. "I feel like it should have happened years ago, so I'm kind of shocked," she said. [Us]
• Jennifer Lopez, whose twins are just starting to talk, says, "I would love to have more kids... I don't know if we will. I don't know if that's in the cards for us – but we'll see." [People]
• When asked if he believes in God or is spiritual, Brad Pitt said, "No, no, no! I'm probably 20 per cent atheist and 80 per cent agnostic. I don't think anyone really knows. You'll either find out or not when you get there, until then there's no point thinking about it." [Bild]
• "It feels like that stuff is behind me. Time is going by and it feels like I'm going to be all right...So now maybe I don't even know the kind of career I wanna have. But it's pretty cool that I get to figure that out. I was a child actor, which is not something that I'm proud of-aside from the fact that I'm on Pee-Wee's Playhouse, which I'm proud of. But obviously it wasn't like that was a choice. It wasn't like that was my career move as a six-year old. "Oh, I wanna be in show business!" I wasn't fucking Shirley Temple. And I doubt that she wanted to be. So that by sixteen when I was cast in this Woody Allen movie, right after that I was really angry that I wasn't given the choice to go to college and be a philosophy major. I never had time to figure out what I wanted to do with this life. I just bumbled along from one job to the next. It was really great, a lot of it. But I don't think I understood that I had a choice. So it's really good that I got take a self-imposed break and now I get to do it from a place of choice." — Natasha Lyonne [Gothamist]

• Cameron Diaz was out with Jude Law on Sunday night in London, but last week she was out in London with Leonardo DiCaprio. This paper calls it an "A-list love triangle."

But! Since Cammie worked with Jude in The Holiday and with Leo in Gangs Of New York, we're going with: Hanging with old friends. [The Sun]

• Julie Andrews was asked who she'd choose to play Maria in a remake of The Sound Of Music, and she said Cameron Diaz. Cammie D, who worked with Andrews on Shrek, says: "Julie is amazing and I don't know if I could follow an act like that." Agreed! No offense. [Daily Express]
• Kiefer Sutherland had a very public makeout session in a NYC park over the weekend. Spills a source: "One young mom breast-feeding her baby nearby was like, 'Go Kiefer!'" [Page Six]
• Dina Lohan speaks! Of Lindsay she says: "She's a genius. Such a good heart. Lindsay will direct one day. She loves directing." But then goes on to say: "You know what, I taught my children to love. And if you fall in love, life is about that. Family, it's not about work. You want goals…We're all looking for love and someone to be with; someone to share that with. My parents have been married for 50 years, we see that and that is important. It's work, but you want to separate it, go home and have a family. [Work] is not going to be forever." Wait, so: Life is not about work, it's about love, which takes work. And. Small children should work at an early age. Got it. [OK Magazine]
• A French newspaper claims that Madonna has "declined" to be interviewed by investigators in relation to the stadium collapse in Marseilles which killed two people. [The Sun]
• Jessica Simpson's family is worried about her; she's been staying in and watching chick flicks and feeling a little depressed. But damn. She got dumped on the eve of her birthday. She needs to cry it out. A source says: "The family used to have such faith in [Jessica] and they worried about Ashlee. Now they are fully confident in Ashlee's choices and they worry most of their days about Jessica. It seems she just can't catch a break." [People]
• Grace Rwaramba - the Rwandan nanny "Jackson insiders describe as the most maternal personality" Michael Jackson's kids have known — is coming back to be with the children. (She was fired in 2008.) She was introduced to MJ by Deepak Chopra; Chopra says "She is totally dedicated to the children and will do whatever it takes to make the children happy." [Time]
• "Neighbors of Neverland are organizing against any move to turn Michael Jackson's former home into a tourist destination that could disturb the area's rural tranquility." [AP]
• "Three months before his death, Michael Jackson committed to co-directing and financing a movie — a poignant drama about foster children — and planned to get started as soon as he completed his London concerts." [Reuters]
• The latest issue of Rolling Stone has a cover story titled "The Last Days of Michael Jackson," written by Claire Hoffman. She says, in a video at the link, that everyone she spoke with said the same thing: He was pumped about the O2 concerts and really wanted the experience to be the greatest show on earth. It's the comeback that never was. [Rolling Stone]
• Joe Jackson is planning a big 80th birthday bash in Tinley Park, outside of Chicago. It's scheduled for August 22. By the by, Michael Jackson's birthday is August 29. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Katherine Jackson doesn't want to challenge the will, but she does want "a seat at the table." [TMZ]
• Click the link and look at the gentleman whose face is circled in red. Six words: MICHAEL JACKSON'S SECRET NORWEGIAN LOVE CHILD. [Mirror]
• Debbie Rowe has a "stash" of pictures of her kids in her closet. She told a friend: "'I can't leave them out. When people come in to my home they steal these photographs." Naturally, since this paper is so classy, it's calling the collection a "shrine." [The Sun]
• Mischa Barton's rep says the actress is "still seeking treatment but making improvements." [ET]
• According to this report, Mischa Barton was struggling with body issues. A source says: "She has big self-esteem issues. She hates her legs. She isn't comfortable with her body. It's been a big source of stress and self-hate." Another source claims: "She had a big problem with those photos of her cellulite." Although a friend says "She was more pissed off than hurt… I never saw her diet." [People]
• Mischa Barton's rep says her intentions are being able to resume production on The Beautiful Life next week. [E!]
• After Public Enemies, Alice In Wonderland, and The Rum Diary, Johnny Depp has a no concrete projects coming up; the next Pirates flick has been delayed and everything else is iffy. [Hollywood Reporter, Reuters]
• Billy Joel is dating former The Young And The Restless star Alex Donnelley. I'll admit, out of curiosity, I checked to see if she was as young as his third wife, Katie Lee (27). But Donnelley is 50. If you care. [Page Six]
• Ugly Betty spoiler: Jamie-Lynn Sigler is joining the cast as Daniel's new assistant. [EW]
• Oh, yay: More waxing, more grandmas on stripper poles. Kendra has been picked up for a second season. Will we see the pin-up as a new mommy? [Variety]
• Jennifer Lopez's husband Marc Anthony has inked a deal with the Miami Dolphins, making him a partial owner. [Gatecrasher]
• Q: Who is your mortal enemy?
  A: Myself … but we're starting to make nice.
  Q: When's the last time you drove a car?
  A: Some things are better left undisclosed.
  Q: How has the Wall Street crash affected you?
  A: I'll never sleep with Bernie Madoff again. — From a Q&A with Natasha Lyonne. [NY Magazine]
• "Katie Price reveals her plans for life after Pete: Acting lessons, more Botox and a new tattoo." [Daily Mail]
• Blind item! "Which allegedly bisexual hotel heir is getting it on with an N.Y.-based male reality TV star?" [Gatecrasher]
• "I hadn't taken the subway in more than 20 years because I used to spend two hours each way on it every day going to school and back and did everything on it — slept, ate, homework — and I swore as soon as I had two pennies to rub together, I would never ride it again and I didn't — until [Taking Of Pelham 1-2-3] of course. I grew up in New York and subways were the way to get around so I spent many many hours on subways as a kid." — Denzel Washington hates the subway, okay? [Mirror]
• "I have wrinkles [on my forehead], which are very evident. I will particularly say when I look at movie posters: 'You guys have airbrushed my forehead. Please can you change it back?' I'd rather be the woman they're saying 'She's looking older' than 'She's looking stoned.'" — Kate Winslet. (And be sure to click the link to compare and contrast an untouched paparazzi photo of her with a Lancôme campaign photo.) [Daily Mail]

Written and directed by Joshua Grannell—a popular drag performer (Peaches Christ)—All About Evil is all about:

A mousy librarian inherits her father's beloved but failing old movie house. In order to save the family business she discovers her inner serial killer - and a legion of rabid gore fans - when she starts turning out a series of grisly shorts. What her fans don't realize yet is that the murders in the movies are all too real.

Shot on location in San Francisco, the cast is certainly gay friendly: Along with Lyonne and Peterson, it also features John Waters' regular Mink Stole, and Patrick Bristow (the dance instructor from Showgirls). No release date has been issued, as of yet, nor has a trailer been released, although the following stills from the film were made available. Check out Elvira au naturale:

'All About Evil' Poster- Natasha Lyonne Has Finally Gone Nuts [Pretty Scary]

• Alex Young, the husband of Private Practice star Kate Walsh, has filed for divorce from the actress. They've been married fourteen months, and got engaged after a five-month courtship in early 2007. [ETonline]

• Pete Wentz's favorite feature of Ashlee Simpson's? "I would start with the breasts.” At least the boy's honest! [Daily Express]
• The Mirror calls this set of Cosmo photos Scarlett Johansson's "hottest shoot yet," but we're unmoved. This is maybe a five out of ten on the Johansson hot Richter scale. [Mirror]
• Kylie Minogue says she wants to get back into acting after focusing on her music career for so long. "Acting definitely plays a role in music and many aspects of my musical career but I do look forward to more film or stage acting in the future."[The Sun]
• Ugh, why does everything coming out of Billy Corgan's mouth sound so obnoxious, even when it's about something benign like spirituality? "I'm not a humble musician, but I am a humble human being, I have perspective, I have God in my life. [In the band] we talk a lot about spirituality and about why God made us musicians and why we’re here to do what we do. And we have decided in our estimation that God put us here to try new things, and be innovators," the Smashing Pumpkins frontman says. [Observer]
• Those of you who enjoy rocking all night and partying every day will be pleased to hear that Kiss is making their first album since 1998's Psycho Circus. "It's going to be very much a vintage, classic, '70s KISS album without much regard to what's happened since then; it's back to the roots," said Kiss guitarist Paul Stanley. [Reuters]
• More bizarre news from Natasha Lyonne-land: the actress's Gramercy penthouse studio was sold for $440,000. In Manhattan real estate, $440,000 for a studio is so low its unheard of, especially since the place allegedly had "a 42-foot wraparound terrace, a beamed ceiling, open views and ample closet space." Did she smear dog poo on the walls or something? [NYM]
• An Iraq veteran who has been attempting to deliver a letter to Tom Cruise at his Beverly Hills manse has been ordered by a judge to stay away from Tom Cruise. Vet Edward Van Tassel's lawyer says "He is not there to stalk Mr. Cruise as some sort of fan-obsessed person. He wants to enlist him in his mission to get appropriate remedies for soldiers of the Iraq War." This Van Tassel fellow does not sound like the most stable person, as he " waved a gun and an American flag on a Highway 101 overpass and stopped traffic for hours in Santa Barbara last month." [AP]
• Speaking of Tommy, Brooke Shields has apparently fully recovered from their postpartum depression tiff a few years back, and offered Tom many, vaguely undermining congrats on his Golden Globe nomination for his role in Tropic Thunder. "I'm so glad for him! I think it's ironic, all the work that he does [and] that's what he gets nominated for. I think he's done tremendous work so I think he's probably chuckling about it too." [People]
• Watch out L.A. County motorists! Miley Cyrus just got her learner's permit. [Perez]
• Usher and his wife Tameka had baby boy number 2, Naviyd Ely Raymond, yesterday at 2:33 a.m. That baby already loves the nightlife! [People]

[New York, September 9. Image via Splash.]

[New York, July 29. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

[New York, February 7. Image via INFDaily.com.]

I know I'm not the first to say this, but I just hate how Fashion Week seems designed to make a lot of people feel bad about themselves—you're not thin enough, rich enough, important enough—in order to stroke the egos of a precious few. Ugh!

So basically, having to wait in line in the rain for an hour made me so salty I'm surprised I didn't melt right there from the moisture. What exacerbated the problem were the girls behind me. One of them kept talking about her pole dancing class over and over and over, as though it were the most novel and hilarious thing that nobody had ever heard of before she had the guts and spunk to go and sign herself up. I so badly wanted to be like, "Bitch, that shit was on season two of Celebrity Fit Club! When overweight has-beens beat you to the punch on something that was already long played out, you should just keep it to yourself."

But instead I just clenched my fists and scowled. Here are some quotes of theirs I furiously typed into my phone:

"What? What does 'accosted' mean?"
"I took the 'How Shallow Are You' test on Facebook. I got a 95%."
"He's not cute and I'm not into him, but he has all this money. Like a lot of money. And a cool apartment. So whatever."
"I don't know what 'neuter' means. What is that? 'Neuter'?"

A wadded up mound of TP with a giant, still wet, period stain. I wondered if that fell out by accident or if someone was just as pissed as I was about the door policy and pulled a Donita Sparks by throwing their makeshift pad on the ground. I like that second idea best.

I went up to the bar and waited roughly 15 or 20 minutes for the bartender to even look at me. Then when I heard her charge the person next to me $6 for a domestic beer, I realized that it was, in fact, not an open bar, even though the invite mentioned a vodka sponsor. I was like, fuck this, and went up to the balcony to check out the crowd from above. That's when my friend Alex spotted Natasha Lyonne. I tried to take a picture, but my camera is like a 3 megapixel piece of crap, so this is the best I could do.

She didn't look her best, but she also didn't look her crackiest, so that was an improvement from the last time I saw her, when she was wearing filthy clothes five sizes too big, picking at sores on her face while fighting with a bodega owner about how she didn't want to have to pay for her Marlboro Reds.

Other celebs I saw were Karen O, Richie Rich, Three as Four, Sophia Lamar, Ben Cho, Leo Fitzpatrick, and I'm pretty sure I saw Margherita Missoni. The Slits took the stage at like 12:30 or something. I realized, looking around, that instead of a "party" this was merely a free concert. The one thing I actually really liked was seeing Chloë down in front of the stage, singing along and jumping up in down. It was cool to know she was having a really great time in the crowd with the peons, instead of sitting in the V.I.P. area with the idiot assholes.

Matters reached their nadir in the summer of 2005 when she checked into Beth Israel Hospital in New York and was put in the intensive care unit with a host of ailments, including hepatitis C. She remained in the hospital for five months.

When Living At All Is The Best Revenge [New York Times]
Unrelated: Natalie Merchant is also alive [New York Times]

[Los Angeles, CA; Dec. 27. Image via TMZ.]