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New York, 3:46 PM
Mon Nov 30
35 posts in the last 24 hours

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    Dsmvwl  Admin  Promote to frontpage Approve user Ban user ×
    Image of angelheadedhipster angelheadedhipster
    11/23/09

    In reply to Ashro: Stop Being Such A Slob And Get Yourself A Suit, Hat & Wig
    I'm wearing everything in #15 AT THE SAME TIME to the next DC Jezzie meet-up. So, yeah, prepare yourselves for that.
     Reply
    angelheadedhipster was starred angelheadedhipster was unstarred
    Image of kkatt kkatt
    11/17/09

    In reply to 19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky Mall
    I'm going too get #15 and wear it at work. No more headaches and co workers will avoid the crazy cyborg lady. #skymall
     Reply
    boxspelunker promoted this comment kkatt was starred kkatt was unstarred
    Image of TransFat TransFat
    11/17/09

    In reply to Gothic Horror At The Twilight Saga: New Moon Premiere
    #15 I know "V" is not the best show it can be but was it really necessary to skin the visitors for couture? #newmoon
     Reply
    TransFat was starred TransFat was unstarred
    Image of Kateness has the skin of a KILLER Kateness has the skin of a KILLER
    11/10/09

    In reply to Latex, Sex & A Burning Sensation: An Analysis Of Lady Gaga's New Vid
    I think it's literally impossible for Lady Gaga to make a song that I'd hate. I love this and I think she looked really good in the video. Like, #15 and all the other face shots of her? Gorgeous! #ladygagabadromancevideo
     Reply
    Eleanor Ramilly promoted this comment Kateness has the skin of a KILLER was starred Kateness has the skin of a KILLER was unstarred
    Image of Eleanor Ramilly Eleanor Ramilly
    11/10/09

    @Kateness has the skin of a KILLER: She looks kind of like Christina Aguilera in fifteen, right? #ladygagabadromancevideo
     Reply
    Eleanor Ramilly was starred Eleanor Ramilly was unstarred
    Image of randomnessish randomnessish
    11/03/09

    In reply to A Sex Addiction We Can Believe In
    All this shows to me is that we use sex today for--as an excuse, or because of--so many different things. We may be closely biologically related to them, but we are not monkeys, and men aren't just blindly led by the urge to "spread their seed" (ew, that phrase), just as women aren't all driven by the urge to have a baby. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    randomnessish was starred randomnessish was unstarred
    Image of rednrowdy rednrowdy
    11/04/09

    @randomnessish: the concept of sex addiction blows all the excuses for infidelity in men as being "biological" out of the water. it also raises issues about how sex is learned in adolescence.

    on the flip side, it makes me question when a guy is caught in an affair is immediately treated for sex addiction (exhibit a: that guy on sportscenter). being caught one time cheating on a spouse is one thing, and being a sex addict is something else entirely. even people who carry on decades-long affairs while married doesn't make them a sex addict. correlation is not causation. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    rednrowdy was starred rednrowdy was unstarred
    Image of Pizza!Pizza!Pizza! Pizza!Pizza!Pizza!
    11/03/09

    In reply to A Sex Addiction We Can Believe In
    Sex addiction is real and destructive, so I'm totally in support of it being painted as such and not as something experienced by a really, really successful Pick-Up Artist contestant. Now let's just hope this guy was getting tested for STDs and AIDS. Because there's no question they are real and destructive. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    Pizza!Pizza!Pizza! was starred Pizza!Pizza!Pizza! was unstarred
    Image of clevernamehere clevernamehere
    11/03/09

    In reply to A Sex Addiction We Can Believe In
    What always bothers me about these sex addict pieces is how little mention there is of rejection. It is all conquests. That just isn't realistic for anyone and glamorizes the problem.

    I think there probably are some people who are addicted to sex, but these guy had a year long relationship during his addiction that appears to have been monogamous. I think that shifts it from addiction to abusive behavior. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    clevernamehere was starred clevernamehere was unstarred
    Image of FrankiTheB FrankiTheB
    11/03/09

    @clevernamehere: What always bothers me about these sex addict pieces is how little mention there is of rejection.

    I assume it would be rather easy to avoid rejection if you know your prey. People experience rejection in normal pick-up situations because we're looking for people we're attracted to, people we want rather than just the people who we think want us. If you shift your focus to just the easiest targets in the room, be they the people checking you out or the people projecting behavior similar to your own, the possibly of rejection decreases greatly, especially if you're good at reading people. If you're good at the game, you can tell fairly quickly if the person you're speaking to will go home with you; if you're not getting that vibe, you smile, say it was nice talking to him/her, and move on to the next person. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    clevernamehere promoted this comment FrankiTheB was starred FrankiTheB was unstarred
    Image of John Thompson John Thompson
    11/03/09

    @clevernamehere: I don't know, I feel like if you talked to a recovering gambling addict about his experiences at the tables, most likely he'd only talk about his big wins, what it felt like to win, because that's all really an addict can think about, it's the thing they're addicted to, and that kind of mindset can be hard to shake even when recovering. Which is why I like this particular piece of writing. You have to be honest about the implications of your addiction outside your own experience.

    But I hear you on "confessions" that are meant to be more titillating.
     Reply
    clevernamehere promoted this comment Edited by John Thompson at 11/03/09 3:25 PM John Thompson was starred John Thompson was unstarred
    Image of clevernamehere clevernamehere
    11/03/09

    @FrankiTheB: Moving on to the next person because you realize the one you are talking to isn't a likely candidate is a form of rejection.

    I don't think anyone is so amazing at seeing "prey" that they are almost completely avoiding rejection. People aren't that predictable, no matter what pick up artists say.

    Even Russel Brand, who has quasi admitted sex addiction, seems to have studied pick up techniques and is famous talks about women who say they want to screw him, but really want to hang out and get an autograph. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    clevernamehere was starred clevernamehere was unstarred
    Image of clevernamehere clevernamehere
    11/03/09

    @John Thompson: The handful of pieces I've read from gambling addicts all talk about struggling to pay bills and spending all their time in depressing gambling venues. It only seems like sex addiction gets this shiny gloss. If there isn't a big downside to you addiction, there isn't much reason to aim for recovery. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    clevernamehere was starred clevernamehere was unstarred
    Image of FrankiTheB FrankiTheB
    11/03/09

    @clevernamehere: A form of rejection, yes, but it's not the "Actually, I have no desire to sleep with you, go away," rejection. It doesn't feel like rejection because you haven't invested in it, and you pulled away before offering anything concrete to reject. Or that's how it feels to me, at least.

    And I don't think reading people is a matter of predictability; it's a matter of transparency. There's a subtle but important difference. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    FrankiTheB was starred FrankiTheB was unstarred
    Image of msAnthrope msAnthrope
    11/03/09

    @clevernamehere:

    i think the "shiny gloss" comes from the general media's inability to see a sex addiction as anything other than titillating.

    the real world of a sex addict includes all the same desperation you mention in gambling. plus the real danger of multiple STDs or worse, HIV/ AIDS. i mentioned in my earlier comment that my man's sex addiction was geared towards anonymous, mindless hookups to give BJs to other men. he spent tons of money on pay-by-the-minute phone lines, entrance into a gay men's sex club, etc etc.

    the desperate not very sexy world of the sex addict is out there. it's not just hetero and it isn't always gorgeous and sexy. that's why you don't read about that side of it so much. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    msAnthrope was starred msAnthrope was unstarred
    Image of clevernamehere clevernamehere
    11/03/09

    @FrankiTheB: The problem is, he doesn't make it seem like something he had to work at that sometimes failed. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    clevernamehere was starred clevernamehere was unstarred
    Image of veronykah veronykah
    11/03/09

    In reply to A Sex Addiction We Can Believe In
    After dating 2 guys with severe issues with their mothers a line like,
    "What truly disturbed me was my ability to use my honesty to get so many women into bed under the guise that I was interested in them long term. "
    Is so familiar. I completely believe in the sex addition thing. They both had serious issues with their moms, reeled me in by playing the super into you wanna be your boyfriend and have no one else game and both up and left with little to no explanation. They were the same dude, and I'm sure they are doing it to women to this day.
    Also, looking back, they both had SERIOUS issues with family and didn't seem to be having all the relationships because they believed themselves to be "players".
    Definitely a personality type to avoid at all costs. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    veronykah was starred veronykah was unstarred
    Image of msAnthrope msAnthrope
    11/03/09

    In reply to A Sex Addiction We Can Believe In
    i think part of the "believability" problem is viewing sex addiction as a heterosexual, male-on-female addiction. even the title of the article, "toxic bachelor" plays into this cliche viewpoint.

    the fact is, sex addiction spans all genders and orientations. my own man struggled with a sex addiction that drove him compulsively, mindlessly to anonymous encounters with other men. this stemmed from early childhood sexual abuse, and whenever he felt under stress, he would seek out this form of release.

    imagine somebody online until 4 am in the morning, unable to sleep and desperately seeking out a halfway suitable hookup and you get an idea of the absolute hopelessness. not to mention dangerous, as his specific hookup was giving BJs.
     Reply
    Edited by msAnthrope at 11/03/09 2:40 PM msAnthrope was starred msAnthrope was unstarred
    Image of candleflame candleflame
    11/03/09

    @msAnthrope: The 4am scenario you describe sounds more like an addiction than what is described in the article. Caspar evidently only went after good-looking women and it sounds like he went on some real dates with them, etc. Plus he had a 1-year (admittedly dysfunctional) relationship with one. For an addict, he still exercised quite a bit of control. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    msAnthrope promoted this comment candleflame was starred candleflame was unstarred
    Image of msAnthrope msAnthrope
    11/03/09

    @candleflame:

    i can only speak from my personal experience in living with my guy, but there was absolutely no control for him involved when "it" kicked in. sorta how you might picture when people are drug addicts and are trying to score a hit. nothing matters anymore except this one thing. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    msAnthrope was starred msAnthrope was unstarred
    Image of hussein persepolis hussein hussein persepolis hussein
    11/04/09

    @msAnthrope: Thanks for your insights. As someone in a lesbian relationship with a sex and love addict, I can assure everyone that it is very real. Gender and sexuality certainly impact the disease, just like everything else in life, but my gf really identifies with the straight guys most. She is struggling mightily, and our relationship of 8 years almost ended a few times. The meetings and the people in the rooms are what saves her. I can not imagine anyone voluntary taking this addiction on. It has been one of the most difficult things I have ever dealt with and my gf has ruined many relationships with friends and family and has a tremendous amount of amends to make. Quite frankly, I loathe that we are in this situation, but am so glad there are meetings and people willing to help each other. I don't really give a fuck what it is called or referred to; all I know is that it is the only thing that helps. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    hussein persepolis hussein was starred hussein persepolis hussein was unstarred
    Image of msAnthrope msAnthrope
    11/04/09

    @hussein persepolis hussein:

    i will PM you. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    msAnthrope was starred msAnthrope was unstarred
    Image of bklyn155 bklyn155
    11/03/09

    In reply to A Sex Addiction We Can Believe In
    "As women, we've grown cynical about what often seems a very convenient disorder."
    You've gotta be kidding me with this sentence. A) Speak for yourself. B) Convenient disorder? What does that even mean? #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    Breamworthy promoted this comment bklyn155 was starred bklyn155 was unstarred
    Image of Breamworthy Breamworthy
    11/03/09

    @bklyn155: I think she means that we worry it's convenient because it can be used as an excuse to get away with unacceptable behaviour. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    Breamworthy was starred Breamworthy was unstarred
    Image of leslieannelevine leslieannelevine
    11/03/09

    @bklyn155: It means that men can claim to be sex addicts to avoid blame for being, say, persistent cheaters. It's not convenient to actually be a sex addict, but it's convenient for inconsiderate assholes to have that disorder out there so they can diagnose themselves with it to avoid taking responsibility. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    colormeroutine promoted this comment leslieannelevine was starred leslieannelevine was unstarred
    Image of formergr formergr
    11/03/09

    @bklyn155: I believe Sadie is referring to that it seems more and more often, men in the public sphere who are caught cheating on their wives or girlfriends blame it on a sex addiction.

    In that sense, it's a "convenient" excuse for what is often (but of course not always) merely selfish and assholish behavior, not an addiction. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    formergr was starred formergr was unstarred
    Image of bklyn155 bklyn155
    11/03/09

    @Breamworthy: Is admitting alcoholism an excuse to continue drinking? I say the opposite is true. Admitting there's a problem is the first step toward recovery. It's an acknowledgement of a person's responsibility to do something about it.
    If a person identifies as an addict, I would say she's taken the first step toward recovery rather than saying she's using it as an excuse to continue her behavior.
    I know a lot of addicts, but the only ones who identify themselves as such are the ones working toward recovery. The rest are in denial, and use their DENIAL as an excuse to continue their destructive behavior.
    I think it's sad that someone would minimize or deny a person's problem by calling it 'convenient'. I find it offensive, ignorant, and counterproductive.

    (Read caps as italics, please, not as shouting. I didn't know how to italicize) #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    bklyn155 was starred bklyn155 was unstarred
    Image of bklyn155 bklyn155
    11/03/09

    @leslieannelevine: @formergr: @itsonreserve: I meant to respond to everyone when I replied to Breamworthy, see above... #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    bklyn155 was starred bklyn155 was unstarred
    Image of telecomic the thoughtful red panda telecomic the thoughtful red panda
    11/03/09

    In reply to A Sex Addiction We Can Believe In
    I've always wondered if the guys who gravitate to the Pick-Up Artist/Mystery Method services have this sort of a dark, scarring youth experience. Sure, some guys are just shy and find it hard to talk to women, but some just seem to go through the process because they feel they should - emotionless, no real interest in getting into a real relationship, just having the physical aspect of sex and nothing more. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    J.D.Regent promoted this comment telecomic the thoughtful red panda was starred telecomic the thoughtful red panda was unstarred
    Image of Penny Penny
    11/03/09

    @telecomic the thoughtful red panda: I had long relationship with someone who had been abused in much the same way as this guy, and he had some major fucked up compulsions around sex. So much so that it kind of screwed me up as well. He separated sex from intimacy, he couldn't have sex with anyone he loved. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    Penny was starred Penny was unstarred
    Image of formergr formergr
    11/03/09

    @Penny: Same here, though it was only a short relationship for me. He's now married, and still propositions me whenever we run into each other (through work). It's always done in a joking way, but I'm quite sure he's serious and would take me up on it if a god forbid agreed.

    Total compulsion... I'm not sure of the details but he said he was molested by a guy in his neighborhood when he was a kid. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    formergr was starred formergr was unstarred
    Image of Penny Penny
    11/03/09

    In reply to A Sex Addiction We Can Believe In
    As he says, "sex was a separate, dark and destructive part of me, set up as a child to keep me safe and separate from a world I saw as dangerous. At last, I'm integrating my sexuality into my life in a way that is boundaried, healthy and genuinely loving."

    Also, I think this speaks volumes. The fact that he tried to be honest with the women he encountered and was met with such anger says more about the women than him.

    I am in no way a sex addict, but I very much empathize with compartmentalizing sex as he did. I'm happy that he was able to get past this roadblock. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    Penny was starred Penny was unstarred
    Image of annebreal annebreal
    11/03/09

    In reply to A Sex Addiction We Can Believe In
    I think people forget, as he touched upon (I really wish I could think of a different way to say that), that people with sexual compulsions/addictions were victims of trauma at some point. It's not all skeezy guys justifying their wandering dicks. Personally I've always believed in the possibility of sex addiction, why not? We have the possibility of having unhealthy relationships with normal parts of life - eating, imbibing, exercise, etc - so why not sex? It's a physical and emotional high, why wouldn't people get obsessed and dependent upon it? I've never really gotten why people suspect it's a myth, except maybe for that wandering dick thing. That's annoying. But I think in a lot of ways it's one of the last ways a person can be sick and no one believes them. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    Zombie Ms. Skittles promoted this comment annebreal was starred annebreal was unstarred
    Image of laureltreedaphne laureltreedaphne
    11/03/09

    In reply to A Sex Addiction We Can Believe In
    Sex addiction is completely and truly real. People use it as an excuse sometimes for what is just bad behavior, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist - that's like saying because some mothers use ADD to justify their children's unruliness, ADD doesn't truly exist. I have seen sex addiction interfere not just with someone's ability to form healthy relationships, but with their ability to be good parents, to have friends, to hold down jobs - it's horrible. I hope this article will be a real wake-up call for the people who think it's just an excuse for infidelity. We would never say that alcoholism was just an excuse for people who like to get drunk. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    hortense promoted this comment laureltreedaphne was starred laureltreedaphne was unstarred
    Image of Penny Penny
    11/03/09

    In reply to A Sex Addiction We Can Believe In
    Sounds like an addict to me. I most certainly do not roll my eyes at sex addiction. I just think that some people stake claim when they have no business doing so. The same goes for other addictions/disorders.

    I think what makes an addiction to sex so fascinating is that it involves such intimate personal/physical encounters. This adds an additional layer not often found with other addictions.

    A sex addiction is not your inability to not cheat, nor is your need to have someone around you all the time. The very definition of addiction includes a level of compulsion that most people do not meet, even if they claim to. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    Penny was starred Penny was unstarred
    Image of clevernamehere clevernamehere
    11/03/09

    @Penny: What about the piece made you think it was a complusion? There was no mention of screwing up friendships or jobs in the quest for sex. He screwed up romantic relationships, but I don't think that's enough to say it was addiction. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    clevernamehere was starred clevernamehere was unstarred
    Image of Penny Penny
    11/03/09

    @clevernamehere: What about the piece made you think that it had nothing to do with compulsion?

    He did not "just" screw up romantic relationships. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    Penny was starred Penny was unstarred
    Image of clevernamehere clevernamehere
    11/03/09

    @Penny: He constantly hit on women and screwed up a few relationships. Even the relationship it screwed up ended because he lost sexual interest in her, not because he was cheating or obsessed with porn. He didn't mention getting arrested after soliciting a prostitute, he doesn't even seem to have visited prostitutes. He never mentions it affecting his work or his relationships with friends or family. When someone is addicted, they really can't stop themselves. Eventually that is generally going to affect their broader life (exceptions probably being food or nicotine), but there is no mention of it in the piece.

    Its great if the therapy helped him, but I'm not sure this is addiction.
     Reply
    Edited by clevernamehere at 11/03/09 3:15 PM clevernamehere was starred clevernamehere was unstarred
    Image of clairedeloony clairedeloony
    11/03/09

    @clevernamehere: There are functional alcoholics and drug addicts who manage to hide their addictions from nearly everyone they know for quite a long time. You don't have to be a visibly destroyed person to be an addict.

    And as mentioned above, people who legitimately think they're addicts are probably addicts. And I'm not talking about people who use the term in a casual, excuse-making, almost-bragging sort of way. I'm talking about people who are willing to do the gut-wrenching, painful process that is recovery. Those meetings are not joking around. It's not something you do unless you absolutely have to. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    clevernamehere promoted this comment clairedeloony was starred clairedeloony was unstarred
    Image of clevernamehere clevernamehere
    11/03/09

    @clairedeloony: Functional alcoholics do not give up drinking for a year without segwaying into recovery and this guy gave up chasing tail for a year until he got bored of his girlfriend for no real reason. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    clevernamehere was starred clevernamehere was unstarred
    Image of John Thompson John Thompson
    11/03/09

    @clevernamehere: I don't think an compulsion necessarily has to be disruptive to others to be considered noteworthy. Millions of people are addicted to tobacco products that, while annoying to some people, are not terribly disruptive to one's life until they end up killing you. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    clevernamehere promoted this comment John Thompson was starred John Thompson was unstarred
    Image of clevernamehere clevernamehere
    11/03/09

    @John Thompson: But again, people do not quit smoking for a year without dealing with their addiction. This guy says he ended up in a relationship and was faithful, but didn't deal with his addiction until later. In fact, the reason the relationship ended was he wasn't that into sleeping with her. It makes no sense. If he was a sex addict still in the throes of addiction, he wouldn't have remained faithful and he wouldn't have turned down sex.

    Sex addiction can be real without this guy being a sex addict. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    clevernamehere was starred clevernamehere was unstarred
    Image of bklyn155 bklyn155
    11/03/09

    @clevernamehere: How exactly are you able to speak for all functional alcoholics? The disease of addiction and compulsion affects different people differently. Simply because a person doesn't fit into your strict criteria doesn't mean the problem is faked.
    The fact that he got 'bored of his girlfriend for no real reason' indicates a problem. It can take that long for the 'high' of a new relationship to wear off before seeking that high again in a new affair. It sounds like he was not relating to people and forming real bonds, he was consuming people to get high, to get his fix. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    clevernamehere promoted this comment bklyn155 was starred bklyn155 was unstarred
    Image of clevernamehere clevernamehere
    11/03/09

    @bklyn155: I never claimed to be able to speak for all functional alcoholoics, I disagree with the analogy.

    Breaking up with someone because you're bored with them is pretty normal behavior. Less than ideal, perhaps but at most it points to committment issues not sex addiction. But his behavior in the relationship does not match the definition of a sex addict- he wasn't using her for his fix. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    clevernamehere was starred clevernamehere was unstarred
    Image of clairedeloony clairedeloony
    11/03/09

    @clevernamehere: Actually, stories about people who quit drinking for long periods of time and then violently relapse are pretty standard AA cautionary tales. #toxicbachelors
     Reply
    clairedeloony was starred clairedeloony was unstarred
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