Jezebel 
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New York, 5:29 PM
Mon Nov 23
43 posts in the last 24 hours
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07/19/09
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07/19/09
Don't kid yourself, it's a curse if you're over 12, and you know, like, the major reason why Caroline Kennedy isn't the junior senator from New York.
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It's obviously a verbal crutch. Who doesn't, when under stress, add a "you know" or "uh," or "like"? But it's annoying, distracting, and is interpreted as a lack of confidence or knowledge, which really is not a good thing if you're interested in doing anything of importance in the world.
Considering that women still face glass ceilings because they are viewed as incompetent and unreliable, not a good thing. Presentation matters.
This is the female version of "I don't want to grow up." Unfortunately, it hurts women more than men because they start out with less power.
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If you attend a speaking group like Toastmasters, someone counts the "you knows" and "ums"to help the speakers break the habit. Professionals who have to make presentations attempt to avoid those crutches.
07/19/09
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I think it does, over time, although as with breaking any habit it can be irritating and painful for a while. Some people have discussed how parents or teachers helped.
Video: You took the words right out of my mouth. I once had some public speaking coaching and seeing myself on video really helped, even with things I'd been told that I did but never really processed.
One thing that helps is the realization that one usually can afford to speak more slowly and carefully than one thinks. Pauses that seem glacially slow to the speaker usually are not that slow to the audience. Speaking to a group requires a different rhythm than one-to-one or to your friends. It is partly a matter of practice.
I'm not a great public speaker, but if I wanted to break the "like" habit or generally practice my presentation skills, I would definitely use video. Ask a friend to propose a topic and trying speaking for a minute. Speak into cell phone camera. Build up from there.
07/19/09
07/19/09
I have the same issue. It's very hard because I naturally speak rather fast and sometimes the people I'm speaking to are not particularly welcoming, but you have to try to get a grip.
In addition, if you consider yourself to be primarily a writer, you have to recognize that oral expression is a truly different mode of expression, requiring different skills. I'm sure that if you want to, you can master it. But it requires work, and the ability to put up with some discomfort.
07/19/09
07/19/09
Men in professional settings can be very rude to women: They talk over them; cut into their discussions; repeat what a woman has already said perfectly clearly as if it were their own idea. But your use of Valley-Girl speech is self-infantilizing, so I don't have much outrage.
A stutter is fundamentally different from lazy speech, which is what too many "you know"s and "ums" and "likes" represents.
Angela Chase speak, when spoken by Angela Chase, is adorable. But to state the obvious, she was a character in a drama about a muddled but thoughtful adolescent girl.
And we could turn her off.
07/19/09
Deborah Tannen is a linguist who has written on these topics, especially the differences in the way men and women speak and how that effects how they're understood. I'm never more aware of my speech and tone than when I'm in a meeting surrounded by men. All the "I thinks" and "likes" and "goes" and "maybes" go out the window in favor of "This is" and "we need to."
But only because I realize that language effects how I'm perceived. When I'm back with my creative partner - a woman - or when I'm hanging out with my boyfriend, my speech goes back to normal, or even a caricature of normal. I'd say the more comfortable I am around someone, or the younger the person I'm talking to is, the more I relax my speech.
So perhaps speech a reflection of perceived authority? Certainly speaking with authority can make you feel more authoritarian, but I wonder if feeling less powerful can influence the way you speak.
07/19/09
but I wonder if feeling less powerful can influence the way you speak.
I have no doubt it's an influence. All the "you knows" and "likes" are a form of hedging, not taking responsibility, reinforcing the idea that "I'm just a girl, what I say doesn't matter."
And Tannen aside, not all women speak that way.
I think all people adjust their mode of expression to their audence, somewhat, but just as with African Americans who justify "black talk," I don't think that all the people who insist on their right to speak this way are actually all that articulate in professional settings. It takes a lot of practice to speak and write in a professional manner.
07/19/09
07/19/09
*raises eyebrow*
This is ... an interesting set of interpretive assumptions. I don't think there's time today to parse them all here, though.
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07/19/09
Also the particles.. aber, auch, denn, doch, eben, eigentlich, erst, etwa, halt, ja, mal, nur, ruhig, schon, ueberhaupt, wohl.. tend to fill in pretty well between words without really altering your meaning. And when all else fails I throw in "oder so..."
07/19/09
I like have to work on this, you know? I'm 40 for chrissakes.
07/19/09
Regardless, I find my self being sickeningly sweet to "service" people, waiters, saleswomen, car attendants, ect. I blame this on Angela, I feel like I often am loss and so confused in my own skin I have to become something else. I believe that it was this type of posturing that My So Called Life was all about. I tend not to use "like" or "you know" often, but I find that I use other phrases with the same effect.
thanks 90's pop culture.
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07/19/09
It was even worse when I was actually in England. People must have thought I was a bit dim - I would have to think "how would an American say this" before I opened my mouth - so I wouldn't be embarrassed.
My British accent is atrocious!
07/19/09
07/18/09
No other Jezzies here use the A. Chase or Valley Girl-type modifiers to soften their language after they've been told they're "intimidating", or "overbearing", because they end their declarative sentences without upspeak -- you know, like the important men do?
Because that's what can happen sometimes when you follow the directions about how to "speak more professionally" (and even end up being excoriated even more severely by fellow women)?
IDK. Whatever.
07/19/09
I always felt like a nerd at school and I think I tried to compensate for being perceived as a "brainiac" by using slightly valley-girl speech, or just dumbing down a bit in general. I try not to do it now, but still find that in social situations where I don't feel entirely sure of myself, it's my reflex to act sillier than I am. So Annoying.
07/19/09
I do not have an ounce of patience for namby-pamby nancy pants women who can't state their opinions without simultaneously saying they have bad ideas. "I might be off base here but..." Fuck that.
You can be firm without being an asshole and if you stick with it, people will learn you are smart, not scary, and they will trust your opinion more than Wanda the Wimpy Waffler across the table.
And I mean all this happens in the workplace, not amongst your lady friends. There is a way to speak socially and a way to speak professionally and they are very different, KWIM?
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that being said, when i'm with my girlfriends who speak in angela-ese, i can throw down the "likes" and the "sortas" with the best of them.
07/19/09
Maybe you can remind all those criticizing you for being "driven and insensitive" instead of "no-nonsense and visionary" that just this trait alone makes you "flexible and adaptable". :D
07/19/09
P.S. Your mom sounds like The Class Act. Can I quote her? :D
07/19/09
Oh, well, at least I know I'm not hallucinating. :-)
07/19/09
Oh, it definitely happens. You have to try not to give in.
Scholars like Tannen anger me (at least as I recall the book) because they don't take this dynamic into account. A lot of men don't respect direct, plain-speaking,, unmanipulative women, and a fair number of women are undermining.
07/18/09
I'm also a German major, and it really annoys me that I don't know what the German equivalents of these little fillers are, because it's such a normal part of my speech in English. And especially since I'm not fluent yet, so I have gaps in pretty much every sentence I speak, and a filler word would be nice!
07/19/09
Another good way to get a feel for the German filler words is to get on YouTube and get some post-game interviews with Lukas Podolski or Bastian Schweinsteiger, or some older interviews with Michael Ballack (warning: Sachsen accent may cause bleeding from the ears) to get some filler words used in context.
07/19/09
07/19/09
"it really annoys me that I don't know what the German equivalents of these little fillers are, because it's such a normal part of my speech in English"
There may not actually be that many.
I have friends whose native language is German, and some of them - even some of the men - are frequently chided by English speakers for being "too blunt". I think you just turned on a little linguistic lightbulb for me; thank you.
"(newsflash: none of my bajillion proofs contain 'like' or 'um')"
Hee hee hee. :D
07/18/09
07/18/09