Rainbow Brite, aka Wisp, fashion icon and color-protector, has been re-imagined by Hallmark and is apparently now a Manga character. As Hortense points out, she and the Color Kids now bear an uncanny resemblance to Sailor Moon, who also defends the cosmos, but is a teenager and has nothing to do with colors. In fairness, Brite's makeover is not as reprehensible as is Shortcake's, but she is definitely sleeker and taller and, well, prettier, whereas Rainbow Brite was always cute.


Let's face it, even by 80's vaguely-galactic-pastel-cartoon standards, Rainbow Brite was slightly cockamamie: the plot, involving as it did the Colorless World, the Sphere of Light, the Color Belt, the Color Kids, the Sprites, Color Crystals, Color Caves and the Star Sprinkles, was basically incomprehensible, Kosinksi for the Romper Room set. And her look - which echoed the snowsuits of the times - was pure Reagan-era. They've already resuscitated newly-gaunt care bears and My Little Ponies; do we really need another wrong-headed sop to the Nostalgia Mart?

And here's what's always confusing: if it's all about playing into parental nostlgia - why are they turning everything into Bratz? Back in the day, little kids and cuddly animals could change the world as easily as a glamorous Jem. Nowadays, anyone under 5'10" need not apply, apparently; I'm braced for a modernist Sylvanian Family housed in Frank Gehry. And for that matter, if they want scrawny and big-headed, why not just bring back Rose Petal and friends? They were before their time.


The only toy with guaranteed immunity? Cupcake Dolls.


That is, unless she's rendered fat-free.


Rainbow Brite [Hallmark]
New Rainbow Brite [MyLittlePony]

[Easton, CT; September 28. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

• Strawberry Shortcake: The Fall Of Orange Blossom
• Plot: Orange Blossom, once a dear friend of Strawberry Shortcake, moves in with the Peculiar Purple Pie Man of Porcupine Peak and changes her name to Citrus Frost. All hell breaks loose when she tries to freeze her former fruit-friends into oblivion. Will Strawberry Shortcake save the day?
• Tag Line: "Orange You Glad This Shortcake Can Kick Some Ass?"
• 
  
  
  
• Care Bears And The Stare Of Doom
• Plot: A stomach virus infects Care-A-Lot, causing the Care Bears to fall into a trance, and their patented Care Bear Stare into a weapon that Captain Coldheart aims to use to ruin everything. Only one Care Bear, Funshine Bear, avoids the plague. But does he care enough to stop the end of the world?
• Tag Line: "Get Ready To Care....Or Be Taken Care Of."
• 
  
  
  
• She-Ra, Princess Of Power
• Plot: No, seriously, make this movie. There already is a plot. Just don't cast Megan Fox. That is all.
• Tag Line: "For the Honor Of Grayskull!"
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• Rainbow Brite: Colors That Kill
• Plot: Murky Dismal has designed a device that will rid the world of color...and humanity. It's up to Rainbow Brite and her crew to stop the plan through many violent action sequences involving multi-colored lasers and catchphrases like, "He just blue you away!" And "you'll be seeing red after this!"
• Tag Line: "These Colors Don't Run...Motherfucker."
• 
  
  
  
• Get Along Gang: The Final Battle
• Plot: Shit gets real when the Get Along Gang finds itself in the middle of an all-out gang war in a post-apocalyptic world. Can they get along...and survive?
• Tagline "The Gang's All Here...To Kick Some Ass."
• 
  
  
  
• Jem And The Holograms: Showtime, Synergy
• Plot When Synergy is corrupted by a hacker hired by the Misfits, Jerrica Benson and her alter-ego, Jem, go on a crime spree that shocks the nation. Can the Holograms rewire their lead singer before its too late?
• Tag Line: "She's Truly Outrageous...And We're All Paying The Price."
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• Lady Lovely Locks: Locks And Loaded
• Plot: When the Russian government decides to take over the world using tiny microchips implanted in hair follicles, it's up to Lady Lovely Locks and the Pixietails to save the day, and the hairstyles of all.
• Tagline: "You're About To Get Locked."

Feel free to add your suggestions (including casting!) in the comments.

'Asteroids' Lands At Universal [Reuters]

Sure, change is good: Except when it comes to items for which you have a sentimental nostalgia. I refuse to acknowledge the new electronic banking edition of Monopoly, which comes without paper money and includes a cell phone and a flat-screen TV as game pieces. Give me a dog or a wheelbarrow, or else it's not really Monopoly! Candy Land used to have a Molasses Swamp, but kids today don't know what molasses is (and can't use a dictionary?) so it's now the Chocolate Swamp. Don't even get me started on Candy Land: The Movie.

Why are these toy changes so irksome? Is it because we think of precious, happy memories from childhood as sacred and holy? Is it because — in the case of the dolls — you're taking something perfect and plastic finding fault with it? Is it because the changes are (usually) for the worse? Is it because saying, "when i was a kid, My Little Pony had four flat feet, not poseable legs and an ice cream truck" makes you feel old?

Interview - Disney Princesses Toy Designer, Dora Grows up-Stops Exploring, Starts Shopping [Babble]
Earlier: Berry Disturbing Makeover for Strawberry Shortcake
Related: My Little Pony Land

It's really tough to decide which is more awesome: The Indiana Jones who's been amputated at the waist? The "extremely articulated" Batman, whom one could misread as being "extremely articulate"? Sorta loving Dumbledore and his phoenix, but the best thing here is definitely the Ark of the Covenant business card holder. Thou shalt not gaze upon my fax number, or thy face wilt melt!

Surely you have a friend who hasn't let go of her My Little Pony love? Wouldn't she dig a diner? Or a pony with brushable hair and her own radio-controlled scooter?

Perhaps you have an evil little sister for whom this would be an appropriate present?

Severus Snape! Unfortunately, he looks like a nun with a bad (drug) habit.

Whether you know someone who loves Hitchcock or hates Barbie, this will be the right peck pick.

Twelve inch talking David Bowie from Labyrinth? Want! Love the part in the movie when he says, "Fear me. Love me. Do as I say… And I will be your slave."

So many choices here. Over on the left, there's Power Girl, who is "realistically proportioned." Here on the right there's the Barbie Wonder Woman. But down below, there's Amazon Warrior Wonder Woman, who comes without the cumbersome cape and bears a battle-ax and shield instead. Fierce!

Tons and tons of Beatles stuff says "Love, love me do."

Dude. Everything Lebowski-inspired except the white Russian. And stuff for Dexter fans, too!

Think you it odd, spending over $100 on a Yoda figure? Believe not in the force, you do. Understand not the awesomeness.

A fully-functioning R2D2 that guards your room and follows you around? Must-have.

It's unsettling that this figure allows you to take Heath Ledger's head off, no? Maybe this "fan" stuff goes too far. And the price is rather high.

Ah, yes. The Santa dreidel, "sure to confound and confuse both Jews and gentiles," makes everything better. And it's priced to move.

Entertainment Earth [Official Site]

[Image via Oh! My God! I Miss You]