Jezebel 
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New York, 12:56 PM
Mon Nov 23
18 posts in the last 24 hours
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03/16/09
OK!
Soooo, dock her wages, treat her like an idiot and deny her birth control?
The oldies are godlies.
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A job is not an identity, people, just like a nationality is not an identity!
03/16/09
I am in almost the same situation as her. When we decided to have kids, we both agreed that I would stay at home taking care of them.
Fast forward to 10 years later. I work full time, and he works part time. I make almost twice as him. He works part time because he has his own business, his dream since he was in college, not because he couldn't find a full time job that paid more.
Yes, I resent him. Have I lost respect for him? Yes, some. We agreed I would be a SAHM, and he broke the promise. Now he's the one that works from home, picks up the kids and takes them to doctor and classes, which is was I looking forward to when pregnant.
He's able to do it because I have a GOOD salary and FULL benefits and he doesn't. I have talked to him about it, and his answer is, well, I'll be making good money some day and you can quit then.
So yeah, I understand what Eleanor is going through. There, now pile up the hate towards me.
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03/16/09
A lay-off is really really hard and it changes the dynamic of a relationship in a major way. The laid off person starts to feel worthless and the working person starts to feel taken advantage of. It's not an easy thing for anyone to get through.
03/16/09
In any case, there is a difference between promises made and having to adjust a relationship, and constantly attacking someone's "manhood" because of the way things turned out.
03/16/09
I'll go out on a limb to say that if your husband had talked with you about the difficulties of starting his own business, that he would have to start small and it would be part-time and would you be WILLING to be the primary income during that period you wouldn't be resentful. I think I'd resent if I was in your position. I may even feel a bit used to boot. Exactly when is "someday" anyway? When you reach retirement age?
03/16/09
@rocknrollunicorn: Yes, I KNOW. I even feel funny talking about it in this somewhat "anonymous" web site. I would NOT be on national TV. Geez.
@Gretchen (will NOT accept used timpani): I have no idea what "someday" means. I keep asking every month to no avail. And you are right, I wasn't asked about the business, but even at the very beginning when it started I brought it up. When I do so I get labeled as a nagging wife that has no faith in him.
03/16/09
I imagine it's very emasculating for some men to stay home - even if they like it, even if it's best for the family etc etc. Not to advocate for separation or divorce - but a calm enumeration of what you can and cannot live with can go a long way to resolving these problems. Of course, then you have to balance your breaking point with the financial and emotional consequences of divorce, but that's part of it. Unless you'd have to pay him alimony. F that noise.
03/17/09
I agree that this woman is out of line. I would love it if some of the household stuff was taken care of at home.
My husband has been out of work since last September.
I resent him sitting at home. I do.
It's not so much that he's a Mr. Mom. Really, he goes to the grocery store and that's it. We don't have kids.
He wanted a house and I moved away from my family so we could afford one. I didn't really care if we had a house, but I knew that he wanted one, so I took a leap of faith.
I made it clear that I after researching I wasn't going to be able to make the salary I was making before we moved. I would be taking a pay cut, while his salary would be close to what it was before the move. He was going to have to pick up the slack, though cost of living in the area we moved to was much lower than in our hometown.
Fast forward a few years - housing bust, no building work, no jobs at all in a town that's a combination of tourism/service-oriented positions, university and retail. People with master's degrees taking part-time parking attendant positions. I know that I'm lucky I have my job. We're just making the bills on my salary.
I get up to be at work by 7:30, and when I leave the house, he's still sleeping. I come home, the bed's not made, nothing done, and he's applying for positions online that we both know he's not going to get. He won't apply for positions that he considers "menial".
The thing is, you may think you know someone, but sometimes you don't until you're put into a situation where you see how people respond to a different reality. I always thought my husband would step up. I was wrong, and it has me completely re-evaluating everything about us as a couple. If that makes me a bad person, then so be it. I always wanted to work. I don't want to be a kept woman, but dammit, I don't feel like I should be supporting him either if he's not willing to make sacrifices too. And yes, this is not the situation Eleanor has. She should consider herself lucky.
I also think that if perceptions are supposed to be changing from the archaic ones of the 50's and women contributing equally, then equality in salary for women is critical. Really, women can be the breadwinners and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but in most cases, they're still working harder and longer to make the same amount a man would in a similar position. Fair is fair.
03/17/09
Yes, I understand the resentment, and I'm sad that many comments in this post have such vitriol, not just towards this lady (whose 50's ideas sound backwards, I mean, really) but towards people like us who work so hard and don't feel like the other party is too.
03/16/09
I can't even get my husband to do 50%. Eleanor, shut the fuck up!
03/16/09
The man LOVES his daughter and is willing to do whatever it takes. She needs to respecognize what she has.
03/16/09
Like she said she's envious of his time with their daughter and they both feel underappreaciated. The thing is he's her father too and i dont see why mum always has to be the one in charge of the household. I would think she would at least be appreciatvie that he gets to spend more time with their daughther. I get that she's stressed from working increased hours and having to shoulder the financial burden by herself until he finds a new gig but there's no need to be so disrespectful to her spouse, i mean damn that was harsh!If he got a new job and became the breadwinner again, would it be okay for him to treat her like she's treating him? I think not.
03/16/09
It's great. Show up at the house at 7 PM any evening and dinner is hot and on the table.
He is way better at this stuff than my mom ever was.
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03/16/09
However, I see your point -- while I'm sure the job loss caused the shit to hit the fan and certain previously unseen aspects of each partner's personality to emerge, there's no way her reaction came out of nowhere. How were they before this? He had to know something of who she was, I can't see this being a total shock.
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That being said, I hate these shows because they always find the most far out, sensational version of reality they can get their grubby paws on. Rather than focus on a couple that love and respect one another (as my partner and I did and still do), they chose these folks because it's... sensational.
Grr.
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03/16/09
Really, Today Show/Good Morning America? Kiss my ass. A lot of people are out of work and probably watching your show. I blame any and all morning-time suicides on you.
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03/16/09
We are also very cognizant of the fact that since our two kids are boys, they are especially fortunate to have this kind of focused attention from their father.
Our biggest hurdle is other people. You can't believe the side-eyes we get when they ask my husband what does he do. If I were the one staying home there'd be no second looks. But when he says he is the one that says home we get the Pause and then 'Oh...'
But we just shrug and pat ourselves on the back with the thought that our kids are smart, well adjusted and happy.
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03/16/09
Your looks intoxicate me
Even though you seem to hate me
There's too many like you Elenore really
Elenore gee I think you're swell
And you're sending women's lib to hell
You took my pride and joy etcetera
Elenore can I take the time
To ask you to speak your mind
Tell me that you love me better...
03/16/09